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Robert Jokes

Patrick Rothfuss, Robert Jordan, and George RR Martin walk into a bar...

I'll finish writing this later

What did Robert Plant?

...I don't know, but Roger Waters it.

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What does Robert Plant say before he has an oragasm?

Valhalla, I am cumming.

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

When Robert's wife got a job as a seamstress he was absolutely thrilled.



Because he knew she'd need her bobbin every day!

Did you hear that Shirley MacLaine once let Robert Redford rip off all her clothes?

Well, it was unavoidable; try to put a left-handed nut together with a right-handed stud and at least one of them is going to end up stripped.

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor...

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the...

Why doesn’t Robert Plant shop at Aldi?

No quarter

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

Robert!

Once three poor guys had to sleep in one blanket. And they wanted to sleep with their heads inside it. But they were scared of each other farting. So they decided that if anyone wants to fart they have to say the code word “Robert is coming” so that they could take their heads outside the blanket. <...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer in a glass and a beer in a thimble.
The waiter finds his request strange, but he complies.
Suddenly a tiny man comes out of the man's shirt pocket, sits down on the bar and drinks his beer from the thimble. The waiter looks at ...

What do Tom Brady and Robert Kraft still have in common?

They go to Florida for happy endings

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Bobs wedding

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After ...

Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

[removed]

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

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You all know how you get Bill from William and Bob from Robert but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Ask him nicely

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens.

This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.

Stranger: “Bob? Is that short for Robert?”

Bobert: “No”

Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."

That's just generally speaking.

Ever since Robert was a child

He had a fear of someone under his bed at night.

So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psy...

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Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

It's not been made public, but Robert De Niro recently became the father of a boy called Tom.

Apparently, he almost spoke his first word the other day.

De Niro asked him, "You talking, Tommy?"

Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer

And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

6 guys playing poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game, Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife...

The camouflage test

\- **Soldier**: Hello commander Robert!

\-**Commander**: Hello! I didn't see you at the camouflage test...

\-**Soldier** :Thanks commander Robert!

What do you call a Turkish man named Robert?

Kebob.

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Robert Downey Jr and Benedict Cumberbatch both got constipation

No shit, Sherlock

Robert called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner

*"Hello?"* said a little girl's voice.


*"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"* said Robert. *"Is mommy near the phone?"*


*"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."* After a brief pause, he said, *"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"*

*"Yes I do. He's upsta...

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

I ordered a steak prepared à la Robert Kraft at a steakhouse outside Gilette Stadium.

It was well-aged meat, massaged with an Asian rub, publicly grilled and roasted.

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee

And surrender.

Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business?

I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

David Cameron, Barack Obama Robert Mugabe are all in crashing plane with one parachute. The crew have already jumped in blind panic.

(my friend told me this back in 2016, hence the political outdatedness)

After the initial panic, they pull themselves together and decide what to do. Finally, Cameron speaks up

"Right" he says. "We're all from democratic nations, so I suggest we hold a vote as to who should get the par...

Robert, caring child

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the...

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death...

I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?

Robert De Niro has six children,

That’s mucho de niro.

What's Robert Kraft's favorite wing flavor?

Dry rub!

Robert Mueller gets drunk after the report is released.

He convinces Jim Comey and Andrew McCabe to accompany him downtown but he can’t seem to make up his mind where to go. He crosses the street from one pub to another. People gather to watch as he strides back and forth.

Knowing that Mueller is a man of few words, they ask Comey what’s going on...

Robert Pattinson is playing the next batman.

I guess he's a vampire bat now.

Donald Trump, Robert Mueller, and Vladimir Putin find themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

“Are we dead?”, Mueller asks.

“No,” Saint Peter says. “You’ll be going back shortly. I need to correct a mistake that was made before any of you were born. We mixed up your names! See,” he turns to Mueller, “you were supposed to be named Trump, to symbolize how, like a Trumpet, you are to s...

What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play?

The rub and tug in the end zone.

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If robert frost was bisexual...

He would have gone both ways.

Robert walks into the bar down the street from his house...

He proceeds to drink his fill and is quite drunk, tries to stand up, gets his feet and proceeds to fall face first onto the floor. Jake the barkeep says "Robert can I help you get home?" No No Robert replies, my wife will be home in the morning and I need to get home so she doesn't she suspect any...

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

What does Robert Mueller like to drink?

Just ice.

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

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Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a ...

What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch?

I didn't mean to turn you on.

If Robert Kardashian hadn't gotten OJ off,

eventually one of his daughters would have.

People are giving Robert Kraft a hard time for paying someone to give him a tug, but let's be honest...

Giving _yourself_ a tug isn't that comfortable when you've got 6 rings on.

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with solicitation of prostitution

‪Robert Kraft ought to open his own chain of rub-n-tug parlors called Kraft’s Singles. “Your balls deflated or your money back!”‬

Robert Kraft - 7 rings.

Robert Kraft:

- 2001 Super Bowl Ring
- 2003 Super Bowl Ring
- 2004 Super Bowl Ring
- 2014 Super Bowl Ring
- 2016 Super Bowl Ring
- 2018 Super Bowl Ring
- 2019 Prostitution Ring

My dad has a brother named Robert

I guess Bob's my uncle.

Robert goes down to the mega church on Sunday.

He waits in line for his turn and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. After 3 minutes of violent shaking of his head by his ears and trying to push him backwards the preacher asks, "hows your hearing?" Then Robert replies " well my hearing is not until Wednesday at the courthouse".

Robert died...

He was working on the local brewery and fell inside the beer tank, drowning. It is believed he didn't suffer as footage shows him leaving the tank twice to take a leak.

Why is Robert Pattison so pale?

There's no sunlight in the closet.

Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis?

He's addicted to love

- You will have to be strong, sir. The results indicate that you have a very strong case of Roberts’s disease.

- oh, my. is it bad?
- we still don’t know, mr. Roberts.

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

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Robert

“Did you know there’s 1.5 gallons of blood in an average person” One of the girls at our lunch table looked at him in disgust, and looked away.

Robert was a weird ass kid. None of us were friends with him, and we didn’t pay any attention to him, so it was a surprise to see his greasy self sit...

[L] My friend Robert took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day.

My friend Robert (Bob, if you want) took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day. Nothing out of the ordinary: some shirts, a jacket, and his favorite pair of shorts. Now, you should know: Robert isn’t the fittest of my friends — he’s what we affectionately refer to as “husky”, and IMO the short...

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Robert Plant, Paul McCartney, and Mick Jagger convene once a year to discuss all the great foods they've found travelling the globe on tour.

Robert is the first to excited reveal his 'big find'. He takes out a little pie tray from a brown paper bag and places it on the table.

"It's a pastry of some kind from Tanzania. It's akin to what we call a quiche, but uses yak cheese and quail eggs instead!"

"Fascinating" says Paul, w...

A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit

He answered: "I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold..."

President Trump accidentally bumped into Chief Justice Roberts.

Trump: "Pardon me."

Roberts: "Well that is your absolute right."

Ogden Nash and Robert Frost die and are facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter doesn't recognize them and asks for identification. They both respond that they are great poets from Earth and are surprised that they're not recognized. St. Peter challenges them - "If you're such great poets. let me hear you form a rhyme for "Timbuktu".

The poets think for a mom...

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

My friend Robert showed me a cross between a cabbage and a turnip...

I said, "That's cool, Robbie!"

Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked?

There was no bikini atoll

Update on Robert from the Paid a Homeless Lady in Nashville $1 for 2 Jokes

Thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/ 2nd and 4th posts.

I received information today that Robert passed away in San Diego in August. This is the only information I will post.

Mods, if you don't mind letting this one camp a...

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