I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

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I once found a beautiful woman lying on the railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had tremendous sex.

No head, though

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

My 5th grade class took a field trip to a funeral home - the director told us this joke

Why do you always have an extra chair at a funeral?

For rigor mortis to set in.

Seriously....the funeral director told this joke to a bunch of 11 year olds.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of ...

My grandma took my ecstasy, so I took her wheelchair.

Now neither of us are rolling.

It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19.

But in China, they got it right off the bat.

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth.

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm gong to screw that hostess".

Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell the pilo...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...

Took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning..

Being a sniper is awesome sometimes

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

I recently took my grandma to a fish spa...

It was easier than burying her or getting her cremated.

I took my cat in to get neutered today.

You think I'm taking this no nut November thing to seriously?

I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry...

Those were some crazy mood swings.

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

I just took three grams

Looks like Myrtle, Edna, and Phyllis won't be making it to Thanksgiving this year.

Finally took a lady out the other day...

...my mother.

I took a very expensive masterclass in reincarnation.

I could barely afford it but hell, you only live once!

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

i took the main courses in school, reading, writing, and meth...

....i hated my lab partner

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

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Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one of them took out a condom from her purse..

and cut off the tip, slipped it over cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey thats a good idea! What is it that you put over ur cigarette?' The other old lady said, "It's a condom". "A condom? Where do u get those?". The lady replied, "You can purchase them at pharmacy. ...

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

I just took a test to see how good my Jackson Pollock impression is.

I passed with flying colors.

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Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

I just took an IQ test!

I got a 70, but hey, that’s passing right?

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Did you hear about the pornstar who took a second job as a miner?

She had a lot of experience with veiny shafts.

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, ...

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

Did I tell you about the time I took a bunch of crows to the asylum?

I committed a murder.

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A man took penis enlargement pills but still his wife left him

She just couldn't take it any longer.

I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory

Unfortunately it folded.

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

I took a picture of rice but I decided to delete it...

It was too grainy.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

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What happened after the candidate took Viagra?

He awaited the erection results.

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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I took my new girlfriend out for a walk on a beautiful evening and...

.....we saw two dogs mating, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'?
I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was re...

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day

Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seem...

I recently took a poll and found out

100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

The other day I took my lovely wife/sister and our 2 children out to see the chimps at the birmingham zoo, but there was so much hurling of feces.

So the monkeys started throwing it back.

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said: "I think you have the wrong room!"

The old woman replied: "I'm in the right room alright..You put in my husband's teeth last week...Now you have to remove them!"

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Your mom is so slow

It took her nine months to make a joke

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

A thief took my Microsoft Office license key

I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word

To the person who took my iPhone off the dinner table, when I was distracted..

..I hope you face time soon.

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." said ...

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

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I took a sick day and lied that I had constipation

My boss bought it and even said he hopes I get well soon and stop being so full of shit

Took my socks off earlier and saw a battalion of soldiers taking cover between my toes

Trench foot again.

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I had it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram.

Took grandma to a spa where they have fish eat your dead skin

It was cheaper than paying for a funeral.

I took my Labrador to the vets for a CAT scan...

Turns out she is a dog.

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

Mu girlfriend cheated on me, So I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came back crawling

Omg it took an hour for my friend and I to realize that our Uber driver was a celebrity!!

He’s even ranked top ten in the list of most desired people in the world by the FBI!

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

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I took the missus two paracetamol and a glass of water

She said "I ain't got a headache"

I said "That's good, any chance of a fuck"

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

A hardware store got robbed by 3 guys. All they took was 10 metres of rope...

Police have searched for them all over. Looks like they have skipped town.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

Took a job in a fertiliser factory...

It's my first daytime job where they give me nitrates.

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

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I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool.

Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

Took a chance and it almost worked

Our science teacher loves creating multiple choice tests and odds are pretty good with the "just answer C" method.

We were discussing that amongst my friends when the popular girls a table over asked if it was true. We confirmed and showed our last graded tests where we "guessed" a few answe...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

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What's the difference between the Redditor and the nun who took a vow of chastity?

The nun actually lost her virginity.

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

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My dad said that people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

I don't know why my painting career never took off

Doctors always told me I was on the artistic spectrum.

Two old men...

...decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old men and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. T...

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The first time I had sex, my girlfriend took off my Hawaiian shirt

You can say she deflowered me.

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him...

Wanna hear a clean joke? jan took a bath with bubbles..

Wanna hear a dirty joke? bubbles was her neighbor.

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Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

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I left my apartment door unlocked and some motherfucker came in and took a shit.

When I returned home, there was a big turd floating in my toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were two.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A girl walks into the confession stand in a church...

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

T...

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I took my dog on a walk today

He pooped about 5 minutes into the walk, so I picked it up like a good citizen.

He pooped again about 10 minutes later. Unfortunately I had only brought one bag, so I had to reopen it to pick this one up. It was quite messy.

A few minutes later, he pooped for a third time.

"Are ...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

If the Americans took 40 attempts to get WD-40 recipe right

Then the Chinese did very well for getting Covid in 19

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.

For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.

I took an IQ test today

I dont know who it belonged to.

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

A mohel took out an ad saying how good of a circumciser he is.

But he wasn't getting any jobs. So he called the newspaper and asked them "is there something wrong with my ad?" They responded: It might be the tagline:

"Abe the Mohel: A cut above the rest".

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.

Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

Wonder if Kylo Ren took his grandfather's name in his honour.

Would be weird signing off orders as "K. A. Ren".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my grandma to the doctors the other day and he said to her that you have acute angina and she replied...

Wait til you see my tits.

I took out my ex today!

Being a sniper is amazing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

My friend took me to a blindfolded fencing class, but I didn’t enjoy it.

I couldn’t see the point.

I just took my life into my own hands.

I'm really enjoying my autobiography.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I took a dick pic, but instead of sending it to my girlfriend I accidentally send it to my whole address book.

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

I took photo of my flower.

Now it can photosynthesize.

"What do you think lies there, on the other side?", I asked my father as he took his last breathes...

He replied, "I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The president took some dick enlargement pills

He's 6'3 now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mom took away all my weed the other day...

So I dumped the old bitch out of her wheelchair and marched off with it. Now neither of us will be rolling.

Took an ancestry test and found out I’m 50% Jewish.

But I talked them down to 40.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

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I once took too much Viagra

It was the hardest day of my life

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

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My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

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I took a self defense class.

Don't you dare attack me in slow motion now.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

I took my next-gen RoboDog to be repaired today

It was only a couple of dead batteries but they still charged an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex & Good Grammar NSFW

**On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.** **The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who** **was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medic...

Three guys are drinking at a bar.

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun

she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.

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