Took Jokes - 134 Hilarious Took Jokes

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

God took only one rib from men to create women

Because he knew, if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo

The money's not great but the tips are huge

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

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I took dick sucking class in college and got an F

I sucked so hard at it.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

A guy took his girlfriend to prom.....

...He waits in the long ticket line but gets the tickets. Goes to rent a limo waits at the rental line for very long, but rented it. Went to buy flowers for his date, stands in a long line, finally he got the flowers.At prom, she asked him to go get some punch. He went to the refreshment table, and ...

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

Me: A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie

Friend: Gladiator?

Me: No I really miss her.

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"

I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

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I took this girl home after our date...

Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe-

Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card?

Her: *softly* holy shit

My brother took going to jail pretty badly

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"

I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."

She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."

I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."

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I took my girlfriend to the library to show her that my penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

But the librarian told me to take it out!

I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy...

Thank God it came back negative!

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I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.

She just couldn't take it any longer.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

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My girlfriend took of her shirt and bra during an argument where i was winning...

It was a booby trap!

I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

A farmer took his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed...

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, s...

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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Took my wife to the doctor to find out what’s going on with her??

Took my wife to the doctor to get looked at. The doctor says it could be two things either
A) She has aids or B) She has Alzheimer’s.

I asked the doctor how easy is it to tell which one she has.

He replies take her and drop her off in the woods. If she finds her way back home don’...

I took my girl to starbucks..

Cause i forgot her name

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

An American Indian chief took three wives...

To the first, he gave a buffalo hide. To the second, he gave a deer hide. But for the third, his favorite, he sent a brave far away, across land and water, to retrieve the rare and highly coveted hide of the hippopotamus.

Within a year, the first two squaws had each borne the Indian chief a s...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

Yo mama so fat she took a bath in the ocean

and ran out of water.

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, ...

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Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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I took a Viagra pill earlier today, but it got stuck in my throat.

I've had a stiff neck for hours.

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So I took this babe back to my place. . .

. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging. We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"

"I do have a clock - a wall clock."

"What's a wall clock?"

So I bang on the wall. From next door a voice, "Hey asshole! Don't you k...

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

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A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat.

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"

"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.

Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"

Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."

...

They took the duracell bunny into custody

He was charged with battery.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

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I took my Japanese girlfriend to meet my nana

My girlfriend excitedly greeted her by saying, "It is so nice to finally meet you seven!"

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, “Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” ...

I took my grandpa to one of those places where the fish eat dead skin.

It cost me $50, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than a funeral.

The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An...

WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!

I will find you, I have contacts!

A women took a nap on New Years Eve...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped pres...

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

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Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities.

I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%

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A woman took her husband to the doctor.

"He can't talk, only sings!" she told him in some distress. "I can't communicate with him anymore!"

The doctor asked the husband, "Is this true? Are you only able to sing now?"

The husband looked at the doctor and burst out, "Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to f...

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

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“You took my daughter’s virginity!”

“I’m sorry Sir, it won’t happen again!”

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

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One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a shit. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a shit in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man.

He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.
The guy said, "It's a hurt bird."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."
The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bi...

I took a pole and found out that 100% of people

were angry when the tent fell down.

What did the cliffhanger say when he took a laxative?

"Can't...hold...on...much...longer!"

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I took my girlfriend home to meet the family

My wife went fucking ballistic

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Some motherfucker took a shit

When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.

I took the plunge three years ago, and had a vasectomy done.

Mainly because I didn't want any kids at all. However, when I got home after the operation, they were still there..

I took an OCD test...

...nineteen times until I got it all right.

I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs'

It was a Hannibal lecture.

I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant

We noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the...

I recently took part in the World Innuendo Championships

It wasn't long before I got pulled off

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A father took his son fishing.

As he was preparing the fishing rods, his son tells him:
- Dad, i want to take a shit.
- Son, we’re in the great outdoors, you can take a shit anywhere!
The son left and came back a while later.
- Where did you shit?
- In the car, there are no mosquitos there.

Did you know that the original Easter took place on April 1st?

That Jesus sure knew how to pull off a prank!

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

A woman took her husband to the doctor

The woman said "Doctor, for the last eight months my husband has thought that he is a lawnmower."

"Eight months?!" the doctor said, "Why in heaven's name didn't you bring him in sooner?!"

And the wife said "Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

My parrot was looking a bit sick, so I took him to the veterinarian.

The vet told me he had a Canarial disease.

It's called Chirpees.

He told me not to worry too much, as it's tweetable.

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

After my wife had her baby, we took a trip to Dollywood.

We actually saw Dolly herself in concert! My wife was sad when it was over, but it was just a touch of post-Parton depression.

I took my subatomic car to the quantum mechanic

He said the wheels have no spin

My uncle took 4 pictures to to the hobby store to get frames made for them, but got mad when they took an hour to get them finished.

"Everybody gets 15 minutes a frame," the employee retorted.

I took a picture of my girlfriend sleeping and she looked incredible

Apparently I still shouldn't show my wife

I took my goldfish to the vet.

“He’s having seizures.”

The vet responded, “He looks fine to me.”

“Sure,” I said, “but wait until I get him out of the bowl.”

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A sweet old lady took her awful grandkids to the Grand Canyon.

These kids were the worst. Constantly fighting, constantly screaming, constantly doing things they shouldn't, actively trying to piss off everyone else. Finally they sent her over the edge. >!Those kids are stronger than they look.!<

A man goes to his son and says "My son. It is time you took a wife."

"I agree, father. Whose wife should I take?"

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So I took this girl home from the bar

And once we started getting down and dirty I noticed a bit of lettuce sticking out her arse. I said " you know you have a bit of lettuce sticking out your arse right?" And she replied "oh its just the tip of the iceberg"

What did the philosopher say after he took a bath?

"I stink, therefore I swam."

Help, I took medicine to clear congestion and I’m still suffering with it.

It’s 6 am and I hate traffic so much.

I took my mother in law out today

I love being a sniper

I took a spiritual guide to court for crashing into my car.

They tried to claim it was an accident.

I said there are no accidents.

They said they didn't think they would hit my car because they were on a spiritual plane.

I said you should have gone to a higher plane.

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I just took two fiber capsules and a marijuana edible.

I did it for shits and giggles.

I took a taxi the other night

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home

Sure enough i...

A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen

He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park..

He sat down on a bench and began eating.

After a few minutes, a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few seconds, looked puzzled, and finally ...

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth...

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said: "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm going to screw that hostess".

Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell t...

I took my son to the fair on the weekend…

…and we we’re having a great time. At least we were until I let him go in to see the palm reader. When he came out he was sad and when I asked what happened, he said “She told me that in 15 years I would have one of the worst days of my life after a loss.”

Being the great dad I am, on the way...

My neighbor claims he took a photo of a flea on the moon.

Never mind… it’s just a lunatic.

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I just took a shit a few minutes ago

When I told my friend, he said that it was “fucking disgusting” and that I should “put it back in the toilet and flush the goddamn thing”

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

I just took a test and got an A, B, and a C!!

These Hepatitis tests are a joke.

I took my dog to the Vet yesterday because he ate a Scrabble tiles.

The Vet took an x-ray and said that his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

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Today I took a dick pic

Thought of sharing that pic on Reddit, unfortunately Reddit doesn't support small resolution images.

I took my wife to Subway today.

I asked the girl, can you make me a sandwich please.

She said no problem sir.

I turned to the wife and said, see how hard was that...

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.

Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"That's the manager." said the waiter.

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