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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools because we have class.

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A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

Shoot your shot they said. You'll be okay they said.

I got charged with attempted murder.

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

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A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home.

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home, and has his wife clean it and cook some of it for dinner. The wife then serves it to the family. She says to the children: "Can you guess what this meat is? As a clue, it's something I call your father."


"Don't eat it!" says one child to the othe...

Chinese man: Don’t shoot it’s me!

Man with gun: It’s you who?

Chinese man: Yes.

Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?

Tequila.

A dentist shoots a kid doing a fortnite dance.

"You're bleeding because you were flossing"

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

The teacher asks Billy, “If there are 5 birds on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Billy says, “None, because the others would fly away.”

“The answer is 4, but I like the way you think,” says the teacher.

“Now I have a question for you,” says Billy, “If there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, and 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking, which one is married?”...

Pun walks into the room, shoots people

Pun in ,10 dead.

How does a Catholic gun sound when used to shoot?

Pew pew!

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

Why couldn't the Mexican archer shoot his bow?

He didn't habanero

My mom tried to convince me not to shoot myself

But you know how it is - In one ear, out the other.

A panda walks into a Chinese’s shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do ...

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Why did Hitler shoot himself ?

He saw the gas bill.

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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

A man saw this very pretty lady and decided to shoot his shot.

Man: "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?"

Woman: "My goodness, I suppose so, shall we discuss the terms?"

Man: "How about ten dollars?"

Woman: "What kind of woman do you take me for?"

Man: "Ma'am, we've already established that. We are now just haggli...

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What do you call it when a bisexual person shoots down flirtations from both men and women?

A double bi-pass!

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Girlfriend said my dick shoots like a cannon.

A Canon 40mm pancake lens to be specific.

What’s the difference between you and a guy who dresses up in a toga & wings and shoots arrows at couples on Valentine’s Day

One’s a Cupid Stunt...

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

Women shoots her husband

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

"I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped".

"Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant .







"No not yet the floor is stil...

What do you call it when the police shoot down your cocaine drone?

A crackdown

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When ejaculating semen shoots out at around 30mph

Maybe thats why the cops got so pissed at me for jerking off in a school zone.

What is it called when you shoot at a river?

Stream Sniping.

What do you call a firearm that can shoot salt?

A salt rifle.

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Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you'r...

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

My mom told me that it’s impossible to shoot fireballs from your hands.

I disagree, I told her shoryuken.

When Spiderman shoots a sticky substance all over someone he's "amazing"...

But when I do it I'm a pervert.

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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A buddy of mine called last night to shoot the shit and he asked me, "So man how are things goin? You been gettin laid?"

Me: "Yeah man! Matter of fact I've been fuckin twins!"

Friend: "No shit?? Twins? Well how do you tell them apart?"

Me: "It's easy, Kim has red hair and Bob has a dick."

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

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He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

Man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident...

"How can you shoot someone five times by accident?" The officer asked.

"Well i was aiming for the man beside him but i have a lazy eye" the man said.

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A hunter shoots a bear in the ass with a pistol...

The bear, feeling the sting in his ass, turns towards the hunter runs down the hill and pins the hunter down. The bear says "since you shot me in the ass, I'm going to screw you in the ass..."

The hunter, not wanting to die, agrees - pulls his pants down and allows the bear to have its way wi...

A Mexican, an Arab and a Redneck are at the same bar. (Offensive)

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his pistol. He says, "In Mexico, glasses are so cheap that we don't have to drink from the same one twice. "

The Arab, impressed by this, grabbed his empty glass and threw it in the air, shortly before shoot...

My friend wanted to shoot an apple off my head but I was scared. He said "don't be chicken!"

So I ducked.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair

so she goes to a gun shop and buys a revolver.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blond...

Shoot! I forgot to vote...

If only the internet would have reminded me.

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What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.

I explained to my friend that I was going to shoot him, and I did. He didn’t seem to care.

It just went in one ear and out the other.

I tried to shoot up a school

But the fish were too fast

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Don’t shoot the piano player

A guy is looking for a job and sees a bar advertising for a piano player.

He goes in and says, “I play, and I’d like the job.”
The bar owner says, “Well, play me something so I can see what you’ve got.”

The guy sits down and plays beautifully. The owner is moved. “What do you call...

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

News reporter: How did you know who the criminal was to shoot him?

“I’m a film major, I shoot mistakes for a living”

What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer?

A hole in Juan

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

What do you call a hitman that only shoots people under the thighs?

An asashin.

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police offic...

A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

*"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.*

*I have been tapping your wife all the time. I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt.*

*I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that ...

My mum always hated my dad for using thousands of dollars to shoot drugs up his arm.

I kept telling her he was diabetic but she didn't care

What happens when you shoot Napoleon with a cannon?

He becomes Napoleon Blownaparte.

Shoot the kids, hang the family...

And then frame them all

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?

The bystander with the camera.

If someone tries to shoot the President...

The Secret Service will have to yell "Donald duck!"

A man finds another man with his wife in bed. In a fit of rage, he shoots him.

The wife says, “Keep it up and you’ll lose all your friends”

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and waits to be served.

The owner is confused by the presence of the panda, but decides to provide service just like he would any other customer. The panda orders a meal, eats the meal quietly, and then asks for the check.

As the owner prepares the bill, the panda suddenly pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into t...

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"

Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"

The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"

My dad always told me "you eat what you shoot"

I recently found out he meant hunting.

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