The 128+ Best Shoot Jokes

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.

^(i feel bad)

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool?

Asking for a friend

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

Someone once asked me if I would shoot my boss for $50,000...

...I said yes, I would definitely do that, but it's going to take me a while to come up with $50,000.

John is trying to convince Fred how smart his dog is. "Pretend to shoot it," he says.

Fred points his fingers at the dog and says "Bang!" The dog does nothing.

"See," says John, "He knew you were only pretending."

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

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I participated in an adult film with the promise of a refreshing soft drink after the shoot.

I got a Squirt.

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

Why shoot down so many balloons?

It’s a fight against inflation.

What do you call a gun that shoots salt.

A-salt rifle.

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

A Stormtrooper tried to shoot me with a water gun.

But as usual, he mist.

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?

" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which on...

I'm trying to understand how there can be so many school shooting jokes on Reddit...

But I guess everyone's aiming at a younger crowd.

I want a gun that shoots wooden benches.

I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

I've got a joke about what happens if you shoot an archduke...

...but it's a bit over the top lads.

I hear Alec Baldwin is shooting another movie this year.

I hope he misses.

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Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

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A man wanted to shoot a porn video with his girlfriend

But he came too fast and created a gif.

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

I'm not much of a hunter. but I managed to shoot my first turkey today!

Only problem is, now the supermarket says I'm banned for life...

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf.

St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 670 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one.

St. Peter was outraged. “I thought yo...

Alec Baldwin has resumed shooting on the set of Rust.

In other news, filming will resume next week.

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?

Tequila

Three cats are hanging out one evening just shooting the breeze.

The first one says, “I really like milk.” The second one chimes in “I couldn’t agree more. There’s nothing quite like a good bowl of milk.” The third cat says, “I don’t know - I hear that water is better to drink than milk and costs less too.”

The first cat says, “OK, but I’m sure we all a...

What's the difference between an anorexic and a shooting star?

One's all skin and bones, and the other's a little meteor

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

I saw a movie where a guy tried to shoot open a lock, but the heat from the bullet actually fused the metal together so the door wouldn't budge.

Now that's what I call a shotgun welding.

What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in?

My grandpa always said "Shoot for the stars"...

...too bad he's in jail now for trying to shoot Justin Bieber

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

What do Michael Jackson and a fighter pilot shooting down a balloon have in common?

Both are King of Pop.

My friend and I went to shoot some pool, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”

I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

Which beer cans do cops shoot at for target practice?

Black and tan.

If Russia and Germany would invade Poland again, who the Poles will shoot at first?

Germans. Business before pleasure.

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

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A hunter shoots a bear in the ass with a pistol...

The bear, feeling the sting in his ass, turns towards the hunter runs down the hill and pins the hunter down. The bear says "since you shot me in the ass, I'm going to screw you in the ass..."

The hunter, not wanting to die, agrees - pulls his pants down and allows the bear to have its way wi...

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What do you call someone’s belly button when you shoot a load into it?

A kiddie pool

Shoot your shot they said. You'll be okay they said.

I got charged with attempted murder.

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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Why did Hitler shoot himself?

He saw the gas bill.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"!

A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police offic...

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

You shoot a sick bird, but get arrested. Why?

Because it was an ill eagle shooting.

I like my men like I like my shooting games

Top Down

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?

He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.

Why in the world did a Kenosha, Wisconsin police officer shoot the unarmed Jacob Blake in the back SEVEN TIMES, leaving him paralyzed?

Because he ran out of bullets.

Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That...

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

Did you hear about the mass shooting at the circus?

A dyslexic clowns got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

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TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

A pun walks into a room and shoots ten people... BAM BAM BAM BAM !!!

Pun in; ten dead.....

What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer?

A hole in Juan

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Don’t shoot the piano player

A guy is looking for a job and sees a bar advertising for a piano player.

He goes in and says, “I play, and I’d like the job.”
The bar owner says, “Well, play me something so I can see what you’ve got.”

The guy sits down and plays beautifully. The owner is moved. “What do you call...

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A world champion in grizzly bear hunting wanted to shoot a polar one

He's got yet another prize in USA for hunting grizzlies, proving he's the best there is. Doesn't matter how hard it would be to hunt one, he would track them and hunt them.

One day he wanted the challenge, and thought he would step up his game and hunt for polar bears. He's no expert in polar...

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.

***
Also works with, “How does a democracy die?”, etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn’t see it after a quick glance.

Octopus: "Don't move or I'll shoot!"

Cat: *squinting* "You're one short, pal."

Why did the CSI team get called to the set of the Purple Rain video shoot.

They needed to dust for Prince.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

They’re traveling light.

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A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

For anyone who shoots blanks…

I’m coming for you

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

How do you tell how good a Soviet soldier can shoot?

...his marxmanship.

Dad, when you in the army, did you ever shoot anyone dead?

No son, they were alive when I shot them!

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An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having sex in bed with his best friend, the local MP.

‘How could you, Miranda?’ he cried. ‘After everything I’ve done for you. I’ve given you this beautiful house, I’ve always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I’ve tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!’

Hearing ...

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Nooo you were supposed to shoot at the sky too!

Haha Aaron go Brr

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

Why couldn’t the strawberry shoot it’s gun?

Because it was jammed

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. She comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

We should get a gang of us and go to the shooting range.

And have a gang bang.

clone of me quick! shoot her! she’s the clone!

my friend who’s known me since birth: ...

my friend who knows every aspect of me: ...

my boyfriend: ...

my sister: ...

my brother: ...

everyone consecutively: you’re the clone! she would never pass up an opportunity to die!

me: so close.....

Oh shoot, it’s Father’s Day.

Maybe I’ll get my father milk, so he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore.

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

Why did the female robber shoot the man?

He offered her his family jewels.

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

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