Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?

" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which on...

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

Pun walks into a room and shoots ten people

Pun intended.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. She comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

A vegan asked me what I feel when I shoot a deer.

Recoil.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An actor about to shoot a scene with a lion

He noticed the filming crew was in a cage, barely enough for them plus their equipments
The actor felt the need to inquire about the safety measures they had regarding the lion

"Before the scene, we make sure the lion mated, just to take the edge off." the lion tamer said.

"I'm not ...

What do you call a gun that shoots swords?

The Excaliber

Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Porn Actress got pregnant after one of her shoots

They sued for an accident at the workplace

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

They told me to shoot for the stars.

But the neighbors called in a noise complaint.

What do you call an interrupted wedding at a shooting range?

Near Mrs.

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

A woman pregnant with triplets was involved in a drive by shooting

She was shot three times in the belly, and a bullet hit each one of the babies. Everyone survived, but the doctor told the mother that one day, when their bodies are big enough, the kids will have to pass the bullet out of their system.

About 15 years later one of her daughters called the mot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?

An a-salt rifle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit.

A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

I dont know how the US government can get mad at students with depression for shootings

when the only reason the US got over the Great Depression was because of WWII.

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally shoots him.

She calls the hospital and says "It's my fooken husband, I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him."

The operator says "Please, calm down ma'am. Can you first make sure he is actually dead?"

\*Click\*... Bang!

"OK, I've done that. What now?"

Why did the two racist cops start shooting everywhere?

Because the light was off and the room was black

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

Why do Americans have good computers?

Because they have no troubleshooting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

I finally framed my certificate for being able to shoot my sperm 15m,

And I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

How do you tell how good a Soviet soldier can shoot?

...his marxmanship.

Where did 2021 soldiers learn to shoot?

In school!

What’s the first thing you feel when you shoot a civilian?

The recoil of your rifle

Shoot your shot they said. You'll be okay they said.

I got charged with attempted murder.

*clone of me* quick! shoot her! she’s the clone!

my friend who’s known me since birth: ...

my friend who knows every aspect of me: ...

my boyfriend: ...

my sister: ...

my brother: ...

everyone consecutively: you’re the clone! she would never pass up an opportunity to die!

me: so close.....

Back in my day we didn’t call them school shootings

We called them surprise hide and seek

A Muslim, a Mexican, and a Redneck are sitting in a bar

The Mexican finishes his drink, throws his glass up in the air and shoots it. He then looks at the bartender and says "glass is so cheap in my country you don't have to drink from them twice."

The Muslim, impressed throws his glass into the air, pulls out an AK-47 and lays in to the glass sha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

A woman shoots her husband for stepping on the clean floor

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla on his roof.

So he searched the internet and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers". He calls the number, and the gorilla catcher, Bobby, says he will be over in 30 minutes.

Bobby arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van. He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG....

I thought about learning how to shoot a longbow

but there were just too many drawbacks

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

Why do pandas make awful boyfriends?

Because he only eats shoots and leaves.

Do you know how to kill a french person?

Shoot 10 feet above his head and you will hit his superiority complex.

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home.

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home, and has his wife clean it and cook some of it for dinner. The wife then serves it to the family. She says to the children: "Can you guess what this meat is? As a clue, it's something I call your father."


"Don't eat it!" says one child to the othe...

A functional gun shoots

While a broke one needs troubleshooting

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

A film is to be made about the shootings last month in the El Paso Walmart

The Texas Chain Store Massacre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a bar, my friend made an astounding pool shot.

I asked how he did it. He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

After he finished destroying me at pool, we were playing darts and he hit nothing but bullseyes. I was pretty pissed. I asked, "Lemme guess. A line like magic?" He...

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a Woman was pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank, and then a robber pulled out a gun, and started to shoot the people inside to control the crowd. the woman got hit 3 times and she was moved to the hospital really quickly after the event had been cleared.

The ultrasound check confirmed that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter wha...

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones that go to school

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

It's tiring to shoot schools,

There are too many photos to take.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

Chinese man: Don’t shoot it’s me!

Man with gun: It’s you who?

Chinese man: Yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter shot a rabbit and his wife made a stew with it

They all ate well and were very content.

A couple days later, his daughter walks in and she says:

"Dad, i went to the toilet and peed shotgun pellets. What's wrong?"

"Ah shoot!" exlaims the dad "i just remembered I forgot to clean them out of the carcass. Call the rest of the fa...

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

What does an anti vaxxer child say at a school shooting?

"No shots for me, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this redneck is walking in the park when he sees his friend Joe.

Joe is crying his eyes out so the redneck walks up and says why are you crying. And Joe is like, my father died. And the redneck starts weeping bitter tears himself and he is like omg I'm so sorry how did he die.

And so Joe says, my father fell asleep on his armchair while the fire in the hea...

A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink. The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

A customer looks at the bar keep and says...

A dentist shoots a kid doing a fortnite dance.

"You're bleeding because you were flossing"

What do you call a school shooting in a math class?

Derive-by

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire exti...

A newly wed couple is riding through the field on a donkey-cart.

After a while the donkey trips up. The man calmly gets down and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.

"This, is the first time," he says.

Terrified the donkey keeps trotting on and tries his best to not trip again, but eventually they get to wet grass and he can't help slipping. The m...

Why do Americans hate school shooting jokes?

Most of them are aimed at younger audiences so the adults can’t have any fun

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

 

Now I see the appeal in a pregnancy shoot

But isn't it just an abortion?

Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?

Tequila.

Shooting newborns in the maternity ward is just low.

Spawnkillers are absolute scum.

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my grandad for his shooting range

He said: no, you wouldn't make a good principal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler shoot himself ?

He saw the gas bill.

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

My mom tried to convince me not to shoot myself

But you know how it is - In one ear, out the other.

the seven statues.

a wife was cheating on her husband. one day he says he was going out to a business trip. she invites her secret boyfriend. the boyfriend goes in and the sit there with the wife for a while and unexpectedly the husband came back because he forgot his passport. she said "QUICK, stand next to the seven...

A Czech and a Pole go hiking

They wander upon two bears having relations. They try to run but the bears easily chase them down and eat them. A ranger hears the commotion and runs in and shoots the bears. Police arrive and they dissect the female bear and find the Pole. The ranger sighs and says, "Well, I guess the Czech is in t...

I tried to test my new gun at the range, but it wouldn’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

Cerealsly amazing joke

Once upon a time, there was a Cheerio who wanted something to do with his life, because it sucked. He decided he wanted to marry someone. So, one day, he went to the town square and saw a beautiful Fruit Loop. He went up to her and tried to ask her out on a date, but before he could get any words ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter goes off into the woods

And he finds a bear. He raises his gun, shoots and misses!

The bear gallops over, bends the hunter over and fucks him in the ass.

The hunter leaves the woods with his ass sore as hell.

The hunter returns the next day and after some lookin he finds the bear. He raises his gun, ...

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

Why couldn't the Mexican archer shoot his bow?

He didn't habanero

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

The nerve of some people! Here it is, July 8th and idiots are outside shooting off fireworks.

They almost burned down my caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?

Shoot him in the face

A rookie officer was in IA after shooting a man that had flagged him down while on fire.

In his defense, the man had been waving a Fire Arm in his direction.

What do you call a shooting at a Mexican golf course?

Hole in Juan

A Physicist, an Engineer and a Statistician go out hunting together...

The three of them are hunting for deer and manage to see one. The physicist attempts the shot by shooting directly at it.

He misses by 5 metres to the left.

Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."

The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metr...

I'm such an introvert

That I keep a gun next to my bed to shoot myself when a thief enters my house just because I don't wanna go with the process of meeting him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man discovers his wife cheating on him

So he goes to a gun store and after telling the story he asks the owner for a rifle and two bullets. The owner asks him why two bullets and he replies "one is for her lying mouth and one is for his dick."

One hour later he is back and places a single bullet on the table. The owner asks him wh...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.