MEN TEND TO CHOOSE HIGH PAYING PROFESSIONS - LIKE DOCTOR, ENGINEER, CEO, ETC.,

WHILE WOMEN NATURALLY GO TOWARD LOWER PAYING CAREERS - LIKE FEMALE DOCTOR, FEMALE ENGINEER, AND FEMALE CEO."

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

What did the giant choose for his PIN?

3541

If I had to choose between you and remembering what portable stairs are called.

I would choose the ladder.

Choose a color, I’m taking a survey.

Reddit is, then

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

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We choose to masturbate,

not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

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If I had to choose my favourite type of star, it has to be a white dwarf.

Peter Dinklage is by far #1 in that list.

Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets?

Because their ports are always a disaster!

my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together

I said for god’s sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating

Or getting a new tattoo.

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

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Before I was born, God gave me an opportunity to choose...

...whether I want to possess exceptionally good memory or extremely large penis. Strangely, I can't remember what I replied to him.

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

If you could choose between living in a world of eternal peace, or in a world where humans live side by side with Pokémon ..

Which starter would you choose ?

My girlfriend just told me that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I have some breaking news for her.

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?

Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

I choose to think outside the box

I'm claustrophobic

Why does everyone choose 'x' as the go-to alphabet in mathematics ?

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane





*Fckin kill me already*

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

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An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.

The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
...

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

You can't choose your father...

... but you can choose who you call daddy.



Happy Fathers Day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do when you're from Alabama and you have to choose someone to have sex with?

Pic related.

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Choosing a new password

Choose a new password:

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces.

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must c...

I don't get Racism, why would you choose to hate an entire group of people...

Simply because of the way they all behave?

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After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

The teacher asks the student, what do you choose?

Money or Mind?

Student: Money

The teacher smiled and said: I'll choose the mind.

The student also smiled and said: you're right, everyone chooses what they need.

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells a store associate that she’d like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

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A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

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If you had the option of being 3 inches taller or a 3 inch longer dick, what would you choose?

I’d go with the height for sure so I’ll be close to 6’ and I really don’t need a 3.5 inch penis

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What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she sh...

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

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A son is hesitating between 2 jobs so he asks his dad which one he should choose so he won’t end up in shit

Son: Dad, I don’t know what to choose dentist or construction worker

Dad: if you’re a dentist you’re okay, if you’re a construction worker it depends
Either you work on top of the building or on the ground

If you’re on the ground it’s okay, if you’re on the top it depends
Either ...

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

Dad, why did you and mom choose this name?

"You see Blue, its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"

And why is my sister called Lana ?

"For the same reason."

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A Hong Kong activist strikes up a conversation with a Chinese bartender.

Eventually, the bartender starts lamenting about his extremely dominant and overbearing wife and his poor sex life. He tells the activist, "She told me, 'I choose the position. You don't get to try new stuff with me.'"

The activist replies, "That's what Xi said."

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life

1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

A man says to his doctor... (Barry Cryer's wife's favourite joke)

A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?"

The doctor replies "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say som...

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with K...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

Stupid kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro ...

My Girlfriend asked me to choose what was the best tasting sausage, a Lincolnshire sausage she bought at the shop or a German sausage she made from scratch

Hers was the wurst

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

Dying me and popcorn.

[about to get the electric chair]

executioner: why would you choose this as your last meal

me: [eating another spoon full of unpopped popcorn kernels] you'll see

Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

Her: What do you do? (Version 2.0)

**First Date at a restaurant**

Her: What do you do?

Me: (*Holds up menu*) You just choose a meal from this book of food

Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.

I used to date a girl obsessed with carpentry. Finally I said, “You have to choose. It’s me or the equipment!”

She chose the ladder.

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A man had 3 girlfriends...

He wanted to settle down finally and marry someone. He had no idea about whom to choose, so he gave each one of them 10k$ and asked them to spend it in the best way possible.

The first one bought clothes and cosmetics for herself.

The second one put it in her savings saying it will he...

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

I played plague inc and choose to upgrade infect by food

Now i can’t infect africa

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

What do you call it when you're forced to choose between cherries and herilooms?

An ul'tomato'm

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A seamen, an airmen, and a green beret, are stranded on an island...

and captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe ties them up and brings them in front of the chief. The chief explains to them, “We are going to eat you and skin you and use you to make our new canoes. We thank you for this gift and as a thank you we will allow you to choose the way you die.”
...

If you had to choose between a wonderful wife or a wonderful car..

Would you choose a petrol or a diesel engine ?

If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn’t choose to be on losing team

that would be Sioux side.

What do you need to choose a good air freshener?

common scents

I am so sorry reddit . . .

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. ...

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

What’s the difference between pick & choose?

Pick is something you point to that you want. Choose is something Dominicans put on their feet.

Men do wear the pants in a couple...

But women choose which colors.

Choosing what happens in reincarnation

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.
All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom,"...

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

My girlfriend asked me to choose between her and the office.

Which episode do you think I should watch today?



Correction: Ex-girlfriend\*

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life

No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Airforce Pilot, Army Engineer, and Marine crash land in the rainforest.

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the chief of the tribe. The chief says they are going to eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they can choose their own method of death. The pilot shoots himself with his sidearm, and the engineer asks for some fast acting pois...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

A man walks into the bar toilet, chooses a cabin, sits on the seat. He sees someone else's feet in the next cabin..

..not minding him and trying to evacuate his bowels, suddenly, the man right next to him says "Hi..". Our protagonist, startled by this totally unexpected awkward salutation responds "hi?"... then the man continues "how are you doing?" our man answers "doing fine, how about you?"... the other man sa...

What did the skeleton choose for his stage name?

"Pelvis".

I just beat my wife at dominos again...

When will she learn that **I** choose the pizza toppings?

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem.

The wife has a heart attack and passes away.
One of the local crematoriums offers to cremate and encase his wife in a vase for $500. The alternative would be to fly her back home to be buried/cremated for $10,000s of dollars.
The man chooses to send her home.
One of the crem. Folk asked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill gates dies

He dies and meets God. God tells him, “Now, Bill, you lived an extraordinary life. The products you made helped many people. However, there were also some debacles like Windows 95. I’m unsure whether to send you to Heaven and Hell. This is why, I’ve decided that for the first time in eternity, I am ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have sex with her...

I'd probably choose alive this time.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

If you had a choice between drinking wine or being skinny what would you choose?

Red or white?



My grandma laughed a lot when she read this on Facebook so I’m not even sure if it’s that funny but whatever eh?

Why do Americans choose from only 2 people for their president and...

...50 for Miss America?

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

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