A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Assuming this is funny.....

A physicist , chemist and an economist are shipwrecked. They have retrieved a box full of canned food but they don't have a can opener. The physicist
says "let's determine an angle at which if the can is thrown we can get it opened up"
The chemist chips in "let me think what metal is used to ...

Never assume what your friends have been up to

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”.


The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve a...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume I’m in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

If you were born in September.....

it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

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Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

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Twin Switch

A man once dated a woman with a twin. The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.

One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick. She makes up a last minute excuse...

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A man is walking home from the doctor's office in soviet Russia

He is stopped by a solider, who says "comrade, let me see your papers."

He begins looking but can't find them.

"Show me your papers now or I will assume you are an American spy." The soldier cocks his rifle.

Reaching into his inside pocket, he finds some papers, and throws th...

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

Someone people are good-looking enough for others to assume they must be an IG influencer...

People take one look at me and assume I have reddit.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

My wife constantly complains that I don't listen to her

Or at least, I assume she does.

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You're in a little later than usual today," the bartender says. "Yeah, it's payday. I wanted to stop by the house first and drop off my pay slip before I came out," the guy replies. "That way if I get in a wreck and die tonight people won't see the pay ...

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Never assume that your boss knows what he is doing.

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, ”This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said ...

It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

Me: “Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.”

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

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[NSFW]A man and his family are checking in to a hotel, at the front counter the man leans in and says "I assume the porn is disabled?"

The clerk says "No it's regular porn, you sick fuck"

The Nudist Club

(Long)

A man joins an extremely exclusive nudist club. The first day in the camp he undresses and starts walking around a bit uncomfortably. The first person he meets is an extremely beautiful busty blonde and the man gets an erection immediately. The woman notices his erection, comes up to h...

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We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

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I'm from Cape Breton Island, what that means is I face a lot of discrimination. People assume I'm an incestuous, alcoholic, wife beating, fish fucker.

I'll have you know I've never hit my sister once.

I hate going into jewellery stores with my girlfriend , all the staff always assume we're there for the engagement rings.

Mind you, the ski masks probably don't help.

People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

People always assume I've never seen Fight Club

But I just don't talk about it.

A gastroenterologist walks into a bar

The bartender says, I'd offer you a booth, but I assume you want a stool

A police officer pulls a man over

"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.

"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.

The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."

"Sir, the police doesn't hav...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

I assume 9 out of 10 redditors are guys

I’m only wrong about 10 percent of the time

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When you 'assume', you make an ass...

...umption about how the sentence ends that turns out to be completely wrong.

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

I just assume people who say “the best things in life are free”

Are really just kleptomaniacs.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

For my 3rd cake day I'd like to re-re retell

Resell, retail, retale, resail reset preset presume resume
Assume retell

That my favorite joke is good ol' #788

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

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One day Bill is on a walk, when he sees his new neighbor, John.

He greets him and they start getting to know each other.

"So what do you do for a living, John?"

"Well I'm a logic professor"

"What's that?"

"Instead of telling you, it would be easier if I showed you. Do you own a dog house?"

"Yes, I do"

"Well then ...

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Buster the farting dog...

A guy was at his girlfriend’s parents’ house, meeting them for the first time. He was understandably nervous, especially because he was trying desperately to hold in his gas.

At one point, shifting in his seat, he accidentally let one slip and it reverberated quite loudly on the leather chai...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

You guys wont believe what happened today

So my friend told me that he didn't like the Lord of the rings trilogy.

And just a minute after that he was hit by a car!

I assume it's a bad sign to dislike Tolkien.



Anyway, I lost my drivers license today.

I'm 75 and someone assumed that I listen to AM radio...

How dare they stereotype me like that

Assume your office is a Temple.

Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an atheist for a happy life.

Don't assume the elderly are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th Wedding Anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd s...

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The Island.

There were three guys shipwrecked on a island and they set out to find some food and water. They reached this giant cliff and they came across a magic lamp and all three of them grabbed on to it and the genie was set loose.

“I can safely assume all three of you want off my island, so run to ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are escaping prison

After somehow dodging the security guards, they make it out of the prison. However, they are on an island and still have to swim 10 miles to be free.

They all swim away, but after 1 mile the brunette gets exhausted and turns back, saying she can't make it the whole way.

2 miles later ...

My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

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An atheist on an airplane has a response

An atheist was seated next to a girl on an airplane and he turned To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the stranger, "What would you want to talk about...

What is the difference between Skyrim NPCs and Ghost Deniers?

None. Like both will see their surrounding destroyed and assume it's the wind.

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Hot Tip :

When someone yells pickpocket start searching for your wallet near your groin and exclaim" Thank God my wallet is safely tucked in between my testicles." The pickpocket will see this and assume that the wallet is there. These people usually have very supple and delicate hands so when they try to tak...

A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.

A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we’ll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.

Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...

I was a bit surprised that my wife just assumed that I am alright with circumcising our child

I mean we don't even know for sure that it will be a girl...

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