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Assume Jokes

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals.

Well, that balloon has burst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

Never assume what your friends have been up to

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”.


The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve a...

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

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You know what happens when you assume, right?

U get in between me ass.

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Never assume that your boss knows what he is doing.

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, ”This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said ...

Me: I think it’s safe to assume we are both donkeys.

My friend: Careful, you know what happens when you assume.

Me: Exactly.

Assuming this is funny.....

A physicist , chemist and an economist are shipwrecked. They have retrieved a box full of canned food but they don't have a can opener. The physicist
says "let's determine an angle at which if the can is thrown we can get it opened up"
The chemist chips in "let me think what metal is used to ...

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume I’m in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

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If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

People always assume I've never seen Fight Club

But I just don't talk about it.

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When you 'assume', you make an ass...

...umption about how the sentence ends that turns out to be completely wrong.

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

Since it's, I assume, mainly rednecks that'll follow Trump's advice...

Does this count as ethnic cleansing?

If you're born in September, its pretty safe to assume

. . . . your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

Assume your office is a Temple.

Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an atheist for a happy life.

I got a letter the other day without a return address on it. I assumed it was from the Philippines...

It was in a Manila envelope.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

Don't assume the elderly are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th Wedding Anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd s...

Never Assume

With his request approved, the Bulletin newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone and called the Townsville airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hang...

I assume 9 out of 10 redditors are guys

I’m only wrong about 10 percent of the time

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

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We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

Someone people are good-looking enough for others to assume they must be an IG influencer...

People take one look at me and assume I have reddit.

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Me: “Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.”

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

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A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island

The only thing on the island besides the three academics is a single can of beans. They are discussing how to get it open.

The physicist suggests that they build a fire and heat up the can until the pressure causes the can to explode.

The chemist says “No, no, the beans will fly eve...

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People assume I have a small penis because I have a Ferrari.

It's actually the other way round.

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

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I'm from Cape Breton Island, what that means is I face a lot of discrimination. People assume I'm an incestuous, alcoholic, wife beating, fish fucker.

I'll have you know I've never hit my sister once.

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there i...

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What do incel and Excel have in common?

Both frequently assume that things are dates, even though they are not.

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall.

At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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[NSFW]A man and his family are checking in to a hotel, at the front counter the man leans in and says "I assume the porn is disabled?"

The clerk says "No it's regular porn, you sick fuck"

My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

I saw this poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself.

I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than $1.50 in her wallet.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

A man assumed he could fly so he jumped off of the roof of the Empire State Building

I guess you could say he jumped to his conclusion.

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional...

A drunk stumbles into a confessional after a midday binge. The priest, hearing the commotion on the other side of the divider, assumes the man is having quite the crisis and patiently waits for him to sit down and begin.



After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

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Two young engineers failed their thermodynamics class

Since it's their last exam before graduation, they beg their professor for a second chance. The professor agrees and set a special oral examination for the following week.

When they get there the professor asks them to enter the classroom for the test one at a time. The first enters and the t...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all.

He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion.

On his third round, the ...

What do incels and Excel have in common?

They both wrongly assume something is a date when it's not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

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One day Bill is on a walk, when he sees his new neighbor, John.

He greets him and they start getting to know each other.

"So what do you do for a living, John?"

"Well I'm a logic professor"

"What's that?"

"Instead of telling you, it would be easier if I showed you. Do you own a dog house?"

"Yes, I do"

"Well then ...

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