I created an AI that analyzed everything submitted to /r/Jokes over the past year, then I had it write its own joke. Here is that joke.

EXC_BAD_ACCESS (code=1, address=0x0)

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says “I’d like to submit a joke of my people”

The receptionist looks at him and says “listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I’m not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.”

Mushroom: “so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says ‘tell me about yourself’ and he says ‘well I’m a fu...

A young boy submitted 10 puns to a joke competition.

He thought at least one of them would win an award, but no pun in ten did.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

I love reading the local newspaper. Just last week, they had a pun contest and I submitted 10 jokes, hoping that at least one of them would win.

However, no pun in ten did.

Name Changes

Several hundred years ago a young hispanic boy was born. His mother wanted to give him a name deserving of her little king. Unfortunately, without medication and in pain she screamed when telling the nurse the name she picked. So instead of Prince, riIINS is what she heard and so Rins was his name. ...

I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..

So I just submitted a picture instead.

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

I submitted my DNA to 23 & Me

They recommended I resubmit it to 24 & Me

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

If companies made toasters.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You w...

60% of the jokes I submit to reddit are bad math puns.

and 50% are bad math.

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

So I decided to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head

[Removed]

Why is it that if we want to submit something to multiple Reddits, it has to be done angrily?! Can't it be done happily?!

Does everything have to be a crosspost?!

If someone has already submitted a joke about defensive swordsmanship...

...sorry for the riposte.

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

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I finally submitted my thesis about people with a fetish for clocks.

It's about fucking time.

I submitted a post to r/unpopularopinion

but nobody liked it.

I keep submitting jokes to Reddit but none of them get popular. Last week I posted ten puns!

I thought at least one of them would get trending.

As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Cow!

Cow who?

A cow says moo, silly.

(my 5 year old daughter made me submit this... )

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So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.

So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:

"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, righ...

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need onl...

An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Fou...

Heir of a world famous laundering business in the 19th century...

took control of his fathers business after the father's passing. Mr. Bartholomew Nutts was not like his father. He used to flirt with all the young ladies who used to wash all the dirty clothes. After a little while things escalated, and it appeared that more than a few of the workers were in child'...

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3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

I wanted to submit a Indian sports joke...

But all it got was crickets.

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.

So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.

This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every referen...

My Work Joke

Here is how my file name changes over the course of few days before submitting for approvals.

DB support Business Case Approval.pptx


DB support Business Case Approval v1.pptx


DB support Business Case Approval v1.1.pptx


DB support Business Case Approval v1.2....

I clicked "Submit a Joke" before thinking of what I'd say

Now I know how the Republican party feels.

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. ...

How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman?

No, wait.

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I submitted a penis joke once

The mod tagged it long...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

When people repeat the title in the description.

I submitted a glass pane in for a competition.

I'm hoping I can window.

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A timely joke

All of the college students were sent home due to the pandemic, but their classes continued online. Two friends were working together on their group project from their respective homes in New York (Mike) and California (Tony).

Mike: hey man, we missed the deadline to submit the group report, ...

A Brazilian Jiu Jitsu teacher and black belt told his Purple belt employee,

"We're going to have a match. If you can avoid being submitted for 10 minutes, I'll award you a black belt and I'll give you a raise. If I can get you in a chokehold and you can't escape, I'm going to fire you."

The employee agreed, and they started the match. Five minutes in, the teacher loc...

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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

I submitted a great joke about Reddit's search functionality a while back.

I can't find it now.

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Submitted this to r/trees and didn't get much love. Maybe you guys will like it more.

One day a doctor decided to do an experiment on 3 people with different vices. He chose a sex addict, an alcoholic and a stoner. He took the sex addict to a room filled with all sorts of women, men and and sex toys that the sex addict could imagine. The doctor told the sex addict that he would check...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

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Once upon a time there was a toad named Ian.

Ian had tourette's. His life's dream was to become a toad janitor. But every place he applied turn him down because he would cuss repeatedly as a result of his tourette's. Him saying cuss words all the time was distracting to the other employees.

Finally he saw there was an opening to be a ja...

Job ad: Position of a psychic at large international corporation open ($1M/annually)

Submit your application and cover letter you know where. The deadline is you know when.

I would like to have submitted that joke about UDP here

but I don't think you would get it.

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

Because of the anti-semitic comments on my last joke, I am submitting a revised version

A ~~man~~KKK member goes to his ~~Rabbi~~ Grand Dragon.

"~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"


"Very interesting," says the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."


A few hours later the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Drag...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

My parents got called into a conference with my math teacher

I wasn’t submitting homework and I was skipping questions on my tests. It’s no problem though; I’m in the clear. They explained to him that we are atheists so he can’t make me solve exponential functions due to the fact we don’t believe in higher powers.

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

I entered a pun competition

Being a competitive sort, I scoured my brains for my very best puns, sorting them and analysing them by punningness, and finally submitting my very best top ten puns. I was sure I would win, or at least one would make the medals table.

But unfortunately no pun in ten did.

A drunk was walking down the street and approached a cop.

He told the cop "Someone stole my car."
The cop glanced at his partner, then replied "OK, so where did you leave it?"
The drunk said "right here on the end of this key."
The cop laughed and said "Well why don't you head on down to the station, they got all the forms you need to submit a...

What do you call it when you have a problem with beef?

A mis-STEAK.

(Submitted by my 10 year old.)

There's only two things I hate in this world.

Accidentally pressing "submit" when making a post and

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

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The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...
submitted 3 years ago by wtfmynamegotdeleted

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let ...

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Mickey Mouse is requesting a divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey: (submits paperwork to judge)
Judge: I don't know if I can divorce you based on these grounds.
Mickey: What grounds?
Judge: That you say your wife is crazy.


Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.

(not my joke, just one of my favori...

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