The 64+ Best Submit Jokes

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

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A woman submitted a speedrun for “Fastest Female Orgasm”

It was rejected though, turned out to be a TAS

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

I entered a contest where I had to submit eleven jokes about Wimbledon.

But I think tennis enough.

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..

So I just submitted a picture instead.

A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says “I’d like to submit a joke of my people”

The receptionist looks at him and says “listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I’m not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.”

Mushroom: “so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says ‘tell me about yourself’ and he says ‘well I’m a fu...

So I decided to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head

[Removed]

Last week I submitted a ten page in depth technical description of my groundbreaking invention to a prestigious journal... but it didn't get published.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

I created an AI that analyzed everything submitted to /r/Jokes over the past year, then I had it write its own joke. Here is that joke.

EXC_BAD_ACCESS (code=1, address=0x0)

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

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Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

60% of the jokes I submit to reddit are bad math puns.

and 50% are bad math.

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

Why is it that if we want to submit something to multiple Reddits, it has to be done angrily?! Can't it be done happily?!

Does everything have to be a crosspost?!

I've submitted ten puns today trying to make the front page

no pun in ten did...

An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Fou...

A young boy submitted 10 puns to a joke competition.

He thought at least one of them would win an award, but no pun in ten did.

I wanted to submit a Indian sports joke...

But all it got was crickets.

I keep submitting jokes to Reddit but none of them get popular. Last week I posted ten puns!

I thought at least one of them would get trending.

As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

I clicked "Submit a Joke" before thinking of what I'd say

Now I know how the Republican party feels.

How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman?

No, wait.

I submitted my DNA to 23 & Me

They recommended I resubmit it to 24 & Me

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

If someone has already submitted a joke about defensive swordsmanship...

...sorry for the riposte.

I entered a joke contest and to increase my chances of winning I submit 10 jokes....

Unfortunately I didn't win, no pun in ten did...

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I am always so nervous about posting on Reddit because I don’t want to rack-up bad karma. I just have to remind myself to use the KISS method before submitting the post.

Keep it simple stupid, most entries tally hundreds of downvotes but every forum on Reddit empowers sour users. Be mindful in that the individual, not group, trolls horribly. Every poster offers sincere titties.

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I finally submitted my thesis about people with a fetish for clocks.

It's about fucking time.

I submitted a post to r/unpopularopinion

but nobody liked it.

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So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.

So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:

"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, righ...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

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I submitted a penis joke once

The mod tagged it long...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

When people repeat the title in the description.

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need onl...

Another Genie Joke...if submitted before, sorry (being Canadian)...Long

A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget...

I submitted a glass pane in for a competition.

I'm hoping I can window.

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.

So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.

This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every referen...

I submitted a great joke about Reddit's search functionality a while back.

I can't find it now.

I would like to have submitted that joke about UDP here

but I don't think you would get it.

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Submitted this to r/trees and didn't get much love. Maybe you guys will like it more.

One day a doctor decided to do an experiment on 3 people with different vices. He chose a sex addict, an alcoholic and a stoner. He took the sex addict to a room filled with all sorts of women, men and and sex toys that the sex addict could imagine. The doctor told the sex addict that he would check...

I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

Because of the anti-semitic comments on my last joke, I am submitting a revised version

A ~~man~~KKK member goes to his ~~Rabbi~~ Grand Dragon.

"~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"

"Very interesting," says the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."

A few hours later the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Drag...

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

I entered a pun competition

Being a competitive sort, I scoured my brains for my very best puns, sorting them and analysing them by punningness, and finally submitting my very best top ten puns. I was sure I would win, or at least one would make the medals table.

But unfortunately no pun in ten did.

World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering t...

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...

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A student is blatantly cheating in an exam

The invigilator is watching in a mixture of disbelief and amusement as the student peeks at a crib sheet and looks at his neighbours papers.

At the end of the exam the students line up to hand their papers in. When the cheater gets to the front of the line the invigilator says "Uh-uh, no way....

There's only two things I hate in this world.

Accidentally pressing "submit" when making a post and

How do you go about dismantling a bureaucracy?

make sure you submit the proper forms first.

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

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I often read a joke and think, "What a dick. That's not funny."

Then I press 'Submit'.

Since we’re doing Readers Digest…

This is a true story, and one that my dad submitted and had published in RD back in the early 80s. It takes place in the early 60s. I’m typing it here from memory.

“My friend and I were driving between 2 rural Indiana towns during a winter blizzard when we ran out of gas. With only $5 to our ...

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This was the first long joke I ever learned. Interview with a pirate.

There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate's business. She then began interviewing him.

"So Mr. Longbeard, are there any risks to your business? I see you have a pe...

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