The 61+ Best Submit Jokes

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

I submitted almost a dozen jokes to my local paper, hoping one of them would win a spot on the front page, but...

No pun in ten did

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

Apparently, Trump is blaming Melania for advising him to endorse failed NJ candidate Dr. Oz.

Which makes sense, he blames illegal immigrants for everything.

update: thank you to /u/supergenius98k for the original comment that made this joke. I enjoyed it but couldn’t find the comment again when submitting to r/jokes. thanks to /u/martini497osu for finding the source for me

Last week I submitted a ten page in depth technical description of my groundbreaking invention to a prestigious journal... but it didn't get published.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

Dateline GOTHAM CITY, December 24th:

Alarms went off this evening when Batman was booked for a possible DUI after leaving the City Hall Christmas Soirée. The caped crusader tore out the entire steering column on his heavily modified sports car while driving recklessly in pursuit of The Joker, who fled the area. Officers noted that he “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

I created an AI that analyzed everything submitted to /r/Jokes over the past year, then I had it write its own joke. Here is that joke.

EXC_BAD_ACCESS (code=1, address=0x0)

A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says “I’d like to submit a joke of my people”

The receptionist looks at him and says “listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I’m not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.”

Mushroom: “so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says ‘tell me about yourself’ and he says ‘well I’m a fu...

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..

So I just submitted a picture instead.

How do you go about dismantling a bureaucracy?

make sure you submit the proper forms first.

60% of the jokes I submit to reddit are bad math puns.

and 50% are bad math.

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

The neighbourhood kids just invited me to a waterfight!

I'm just submitting this post while the kettle boils.

So I decided to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head

[Removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A national newspaper recently participated in a contest to discover the funniest pun

The paper collected ten different submissions from their staff and submitted all to the contest certain at least a single entry might be good enough to win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

Why is it that if we want to submit something to multiple Reddits, it has to be done angrily?! Can't it be done happily?!

Does everything have to be a crosspost?!

An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Fou...

A young boy submitted 10 puns to a joke competition.

He thought at least one of them would win an award, but no pun in ten did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.

After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

I wanted to submit a Indian sports joke...

But all it got was crickets.

I keep submitting jokes to Reddit but none of them get popular. Last week I posted ten puns!

I thought at least one of them would get trending.

As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I often read a joke and think, "What a dick. That's not funny."

Then I press 'Submit'.

If someone has already submitted a joke about defensive swordsmanship...

...sorry for the riposte.

I clicked "Submit a Joke" before thinking of what I'd say

Now I know how the Republican party feels.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

I submitted my DNA to 23 & Me

They recommended I resubmit it to 24 & Me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally submitted my thesis about people with a fetish for clocks.

It's about fucking time.

I submitted a post to r/unpopularopinion

but nobody liked it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.

So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:

"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, righ...

How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman?

No, wait.

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I submitted a penis joke once

The mod tagged it long...

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

When people repeat the title in the description.

My biology teacher asked me to make a diagram of bacteria.

When he questioned why I submitted a blank piece of paper, I told him : "it only appears blank because its invisible to the naked eye"

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

I submitted a glass pane in for a competition.

I'm hoping I can window.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Submitted this to r/trees and didn't get much love. Maybe you guys will like it more.

One day a doctor decided to do an experiment on 3 people with different vices. He chose a sex addict, an alcoholic and a stoner. He took the sex addict to a room filled with all sorts of women, men and and sex toys that the sex addict could imagine. The doctor told the sex addict that he would check...

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.

So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.

This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every referen...

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need onl...

Another Genie Joke...if submitted before, sorry (being Canadian)...Long

A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget...

I submitted a great joke about Reddit's search functionality a while back.

I can't find it now.

Because of the anti-semitic comments on my last joke, I am submitting a revised version

A ~~man~~KKK member goes to his ~~Rabbi~~ Grand Dragon.

"~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"

"Very interesting," says the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."

A few hours later the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Drag...

I would like to have submitted that joke about UDP here

but I don't think you would get it.

I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

I entered a pun competition

Being a competitive sort, I scoured my brains for my very best puns, sorting them and analysing them by punningness, and finally submitting my very best top ten puns. I was sure I would win, or at least one would make the medals table.

But unfortunately no pun in ten did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.