Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?

Because he was told to get a long little doggie.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted.

Homeschooling for us was fun though

My parents sat me down and told me I was adopted.

Me: "What! WoW!! Do you know who my biological parents are???"


Parents: "We are your biological parents, you have been adopted by another family. They will be here in 30 mins, go pack your stuff!"

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.


The first twin is adopted by an Egyptian family and is then named "Amal."


The second twin is adopted by a Spanish family and is then named "Juan."


After 25 years, Juan sends a picture of himself to his biological moth...

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

What's another name for a baby adoption center?

A stork market.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I adopted two dogs and named them Timex and Rolex

They're my watch dogs.

I named my son "adopted"

Years later

Dad: son, you are adopted

Son: i know

Mom, was I adopted?

-Not yet son, I just put the announcement yesterday

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

I asked my parents am I adopted

They answered, "Of course no, why do you think we would choose you?"

I went in my son's room today and told him he was adopted. He said "I knew it, who are my parents?"

...I told him he didn't understand... we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the ...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

What would you call a reality show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley children?

Orange is the new Black... 🙃

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Hitler adopted a child

He's now a step-Fuhrer

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog he's adopted?

I'm 22 now

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I just adopted a new puppy. I love him and he's great but I hate driving with him in the car.

Its so fuckin hard to find a barking spot.

A Girl Was About to Celebrate her 18th Birthday

The mother asked the girl what would she like as a gift.

As the girl was not materialistic, she said even a heartfelt message that will make her cry will suffice.

And the mother said "you're adopted".

My brother recently adopted a chimp

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

Was it hard to adopt nihilism as your personal philosophy?

Nah, there was nothing to it.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She didn't want to, but i already signed the papers and it would be insensitive to bring the child back into the orphanage.

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

A father says to his son: Son, you're adopted

Son asks in shock: Who is my real dad?

Father: Me, but your new parents are coming in thirty minutes, so pack your stuff

There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”

My dad told me this

Father looks at teenage son...”I have to tell you...you’ve been adopted.”

Son....”What?? I want to meet my biological parents.”

Father (bit embarrassed)...”Mixed message. Sorry. We are your biological parents. I mean, pack your bags. Your new parents are here.”.

Parents: "We don't know how else to tell you. You're adopted. Your actual parents are from Alaska."

Kid: "Inuit all along!"

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

A turtle is standing on tree branch and looks around

Then she jumps. But no matter how much she waves her limbs she of course falls down. Undeterred she climbs up again, climbs on tree branch and jumps again. And of course crashes to the ground again. Yet again she climbs up, ready to jump again. Two pigeons are looking at her and one turns to other "...

"Should we adopt the Kelvin temperature scale?"

"That would just make everything seem larger."

"Yeah, it is an absolute unit."

How can you destroy your relationships with your family?

Adoption papers

True Story: My Aunt Just Adopted a Deaf Pitbull and was Wondering what to call him.

I told her, "It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway."

People that sag should put their pants up for adoption

Cause they sure can’t raise them

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

Dad : One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Son: What?



Dad: I'm putting you up for adoption.

The dog we adopted keeps eating our paper towels

Turns out he was trained as a Bounty hunter

My wife has decided to adopt a "Feng Shui" approach to our apartment

Which is a Chinese translation of "you no longer get an opinion"

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

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I adopted a female dog. Her name is

Karma. Karma is a bitch.

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I founded out that my mom was a prostitute

When I asked for a family discount, she said I need to pay full price because I was adopted

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:


"We tried, but nobody would take you"

Father and mother are with their son, telling him he was adopted

The son replied "I knew it, I always knew you were not my real parents!! How could you two have keeped this from me for so long?!"

The father then replies "Shut up, we are your biological parents. Now go pack your stuff because your adoptive parents arrive in 20 min".

What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

A trans friend of mine was recently able to adopt a kid.

Haven’t really seen him around lately, though, now that he’s a trans parent.

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

His pa...

I walked into an adoption center today

The lady at the front said “I can’t believe it’s you , I haven’t saw you since you were a baby!”

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something

Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

I hate it when people think I'm a kidnapper...

I'm merely a surprise adopter.

Father :"Son, your mother and I have decided it's time to tell you you're adopted."

Son: "That's OK father! I will always love you and mom neither what!"

Father: "That's good son. Now pack your bags your new parents will pick you up in one hour."

Would anyone like to adopt my grades?

I can’t raise them myself.

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

Identical twins, given up at birth are separated and adopted by 2 different families.

One family takes one of the twins back to their home in Mexico and the other boy is sent to live with a family in Egypt.

Years later the birth parents receive a letter from their son in Mexico and inside the letter is a picture of him.

Ecstatic, the husband runs to his wife to show h...

I’m putting my grades up for adoption. You know why?

Because I can’t raise them.

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

I'm glad my parents told me I was adopted...

But everyday feels excessive.

I adopted a retired K9 the other day.

I've found more cocaine than ever!

Finally got to tell the kid he was adopted today!

The face he made as we made him pack his stuff and leave was priceless

A Chinese couple adopt a white baby...

A Chinese couple adopt a white baby.
Although it’s obvious, everywhere they go, someone inevitably asks them if they adopted their child.

“What? Of course we did!” They’d say... “Don’t you know two Wongs don’t make a white?”

I asked my parents if I was adopted.

They said, "Hell no, why would we pick you?"

I'm so happy!

Step 1: Adopt a religion.

Step 1: Adopt a religion.
Step 2: ????
Step 3: Prophet.

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We adopted this dog. She's a kinda mean. Always growling at people. We named her Payback.

And Payback can be a real bitch.

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A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby.

Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby.

"How nice!" said the teacher.

"Yeah," they agreed. "He'll be talking in a couple years and we want to be able to understand him!"

The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications...

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil ser...

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

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If you ever walk in on your parents having sex and they don’t stop...

You’re probably adopted.

My grandfather adopted a legless dog and named him Cigarette.

And after a long day, he goes for a drag.

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