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I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

“Mom I think I’m adopted!”

Mom: No you’re not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?

Nathan: Well, I’ve just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I’ve got no living relatives?!

Mom: This is nonsense, let’s show this to your dad…

Dad *walks in*: Well of course he’s not our son, don...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that s...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

My French girlfriend is aggressively insisting we adopt a kitten

She stormed into my room and said "I think it's time you and I had a little chat"

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

Son, you were adopted!

- what do you mean I was adopted? I saw a picture of mom pregnant..
- No. I mean you were adopted! Pack your things. Your new family is coming to pick you up!

What does adopting a cat and being homeless have in common?

Getting your pick of the litter

My wife found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept
asking, "Why didn't they want
me?" I comforted her and after a
while, still crying, she asked me
to make love to her... which led
to more tears.

Upon reflection, banging her
from behind and shouting,
"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" was a
little insensit...

Son: Dad? Am I adopted?

Dad: You almost were, but couldn't find anyone who wanted you,

I've decided to adopt a 4 day work week

I really hope my boss doesn't find out.

For years I was adopting this little African girl.

Until I saw this ad on TV, and I learned that for the cost of adopting her, I could buy a cup of coffee. Every day.

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

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Adopted children are like testicles.

I always get weird looks at the grocery store when I take mine out.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?

So he could get a long little doggie.

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I told my dog he was adopted.

I also told him his mom was a bitch.

Little Timmy is called by his parents.

Father: "There's no easy way to tell you this: you have been adopted."

Timmy: "Whoa! Am I going to meet my real parents now?"

Father: "We ARE your real parents. And now go pack your bags. You're going to be picked up in 30 minutes."

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My parents told me I was adopted.

You mean you're not my real parents?! My dad said, 'we are, you've been adopted, get your shit together, they're picking you up in an hour'.

For Christmas I adopted a dog that used to belong to a locksmith.

I just caught him helping himself to the turkey and he made a bolt for the door.

A man goes to a kennel hoping to adopt two dogs

The employee there shows him two powerful looking dogs and one small, cute dog.


The man asks if it’s possible to have one powerful dog and the cute dog.


‘Unfortunately,’ says the employee, ‘the two powerful dogs are twins, so they can’t be separated. As they are completely i...

Did you know that Germans were the first to adopt daylight savings time?

It's definitely the second worst thing they've ever done.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

Why did Saint Nicholas adopt the nickname of St. Nick?

No L

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Adoption agencies are sexist. Women adopt babies all the time and no one cares...

But a 40 year old man asks to adopt a 16 year old and suddenly you need to leave the premises immediately.

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?

So he could get crow cane from his vet

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

My friends tried to convince me that I'm adopted, but there's no way I am.

I look so much like my fathers.

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"


Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

I told her she is adopted and….

She just walked away and meowed for food

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Son, you were adopted

— I always knew it somehow! I never had anything in common with you guys..
— No, you didn’t understand. We are your biological parents, it is you who were adopted, pack your things, your new parents are coming to pick you up!

So, why did you adopt, asked one friend to another

Because my wife couldn't get pregnant, he answered, and neither could I.

My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted.

Homeschooling for us was fun though

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

A father tells his son that he is adopted

The boy starts crying and screams, "I wanna meet my real parents"
Father says, "We are your real parents. Now pack your bags, they are waiting outside."

A man is shopping for a dog for his family…

He visits a dog farm just outside of town, and meets with the farmer. The farmer is very helpful, and shows the man his dog cages, where he breeds all different types of dogs.

“Here’s the Dalmatians, they’re $200 each. Here’s the Bassett Hounds, they’re $100 each,” says the farmer. As the far...

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the ...

A woman and her husband got a dog

They show off their new dog to their friend, who absolutely adores the little guy.

“What a good boy!” Their friend says. “Did you adopt him?”

“No,” says the wife, “he’s our biological dog”

Why do PC builders hate adoption?

Because they dont want a pre-build

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

His pa...

I went in my son's room today and told him he was adopted. He said "I knew it, who are my parents?"

...I told him he didn't understand... we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:


"We tried, but nobody would take you"

The EU has finally decided to adopt English as its primary language, over German.

The European Union has just announced an agreement whereby English will be its official language rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year ph...

My parents sat me down and told me I was adopted.

Me: "What! WoW!! Do you know who my biological parents are???"


Parents: "We are your biological parents, you have been adopted by another family. They will be here in 30 mins, go pack your stuff!"

A trans friend of mine was recently able to adopt a kid.

Haven’t really seen him around lately, though, now that he’s a trans parent.

Was it hard to adopt nihilism as your personal philosophy?

Nah, there was nothing to it.

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

A father says to his son: Son, you're adopted

Son asks in shock: Who is my real dad?

Father: Me, but your new parents are coming in thirty minutes, so pack your stuff

Step 1: Adopt a religion.

Step 1: Adopt a religion.
Step 2: ????
Step 3: Prophet.

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.


The first twin is adopted by an Egyptian family and is then named "Amal."


The second twin is adopted by a Spanish family and is then named "Juan."


After 25 years, Juan sends a picture of himself to his biological moth...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

I had to call it quits

I tried adopting a puppy, but it was so hard, I had to call it quits.



Anyways, so this is my puppy, Quits.

Joke I just thought up: What did the orphan say to the Star Trek fan thinking of adopting?

Bring me up, Scotty!

Did you see the news about the trans couple adopting kids?

It was *Transparent*

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

My wife has decided to adopt a "Feng Shui" approach to our apartment

Which is a Chinese translation of "you no longer get an opinion"

My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

Flying

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a c...

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

A Chinese couple adopt a white baby...

A Chinese couple adopt a white baby.
Although it’s obvious, everywhere they go, someone inevitably asks them if they adopted their child.

“What? Of course we did!” They’d say... “Don’t you know two Wongs don’t make a white?”

My brother recently adopted a chimp

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

Father :"Son, your mother and I have decided it's time to tell you you're adopted."

Son: "That's OK father! I will always love you and mom neither what!"

Father: "That's good son. Now pack your bags your new parents will pick you up in one hour."

What's another name for a baby adoption center?

A stork market.

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A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby.

Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby.

"How nice!" said the teacher.

"Yeah," they agreed. "He'll be talking in a couple years and we want to be able to understand him!"

Would anyone like to adopt my grades?

I can’t raise them myself.

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

True Story: My Aunt Just Adopted a Deaf Pitbull and was Wondering what to call him.

I told her, "It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway."

What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

Why did the dog go see a psychiatrist?

He found out he was adopted.

What happens when you adopt Communism in Sahara Desert?

For the first three years, nothing. After that you'll get deficit of sand.

Parents: "We don't know how else to tell you. You're adopted. Your actual parents are from Alaska."

Kid: "Inuit all along!"

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

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