Deal Jokes - 126 Hilarious Deal Jokes

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

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I seem to stopped masturbating recently but it's no big deal...

Just haven't been feeling myself lately.

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

What's the deal with marriage?

It's like "I do" quickly turns into "I don't get how you can eat cereal like that."

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

What's the deal with Orions belt?

Waste of space!

Bad joke? Okay okay

3 stars

One of the many problems I deal with: I'm a Math addict

I just gotta get me sum.

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Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

Costco has a good deal on Condoms

It’s an anti-family pack.

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They sit down to work it out with a pencil.

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

The Secret Deal

An original of mine. Excuse the grammar.

There once was a clan of hunter-gatherers dedicated to being self sufficient. They would ONLY ever hunt and gather. Absolutely no trading or sales of any kind was allowed in this clan. Being self sufficient was religion to them, and they hated the idea...

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal

Drug dealers: "It's a set up!"

My local funeral service is offering a 2-for-1 deal on coffins...

... but only to short people.

The AMC theater workers weren't very happy with the deal made to end their labor strike

They had to make a lot of concessions.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

What's the deal with airline food?

It's so plane.

How does the Soylent Green factory deal with workplace misconduct?

Human Resources.

LPT: How to Deal with Fat Jokes

Lighten up.

What's the deal with Neil Young?

I mean the guy is born in 1945. That's retirement age. Shouldn't he start calling himself Neil Old by now?

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

What is the deal with strip club food?

It lacks dressing

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

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I was looking for a knickknack for my desk and found a great Amazon deal on sexy prisms.

And don’t worry about your office decor because they come in many colors.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

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Bullshit I can deal with

But horseshit? I say neigh

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An American man goes to Japan to close a big business deal.

The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a woman in the hotel bar. She speaks no English but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed she is wildly thrashing around and screaming a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what sh...

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

How did the zookeepers deal with reports of nudity in an enclosure?

They addressed the elephant in the room

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"Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.."

"I don't know Jenny.. I kinda wished you didn't have one at all.."

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptat...

One thing I can’t deal with..

is a deck of cards glued together.

What’s the deal with Furries? Haters think there’s nothing wrong with drawing cats.

But oh, when the cat becomes a femboy it’s suddenly a problem.

Why was "Art of the Deal" so long?

It had six Chapter 11s.

A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school.

So usually at about 3:15

What do you call a gangster who’s always on the hunt for a good deal?

Al Coupon

Great deal

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eight hundred dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I c...

How to deal with annoying dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is s...

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The Devil’s Deal

There were three guys- a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic. They went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with for a 1000 years with your temptations and if you get over your sins I will send y...

What is the longest game of Deal or No Deal?

Brexit.

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My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....

She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?

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A man is about to walk into a bar, when a num holding a sign that reads "alcohol is evil" stops him.

The nun tells him about the evils of alcohol, "alcohol is evil! Alcohol is the devils tool!

Then, the nun says something that really effected the man. "What would your parents think!" The man explains how both his parents have passed away, and how he's not sure what they would think.

T...

What do you call a girl who is always considering surgery to deal with her weight problem?

A lipochondriac

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks aw...

A Salesman is working late one night to close a deal with some clients.

They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. The kitchen is already closed for the night, so the best the chef can do is whip up some sandwiches. As the chef is plating them up, he accidentally knocks the pickle jar off the counter and shatter...

After unsuccessfully trying to post here, I finally gave up and messaged the mods asking what the deal was. They sent me back pictures of flutes, trombones, trumpets, tubas and cymbals. Confused, I asked what that meant. They answered...

Your band!

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Mr. Fenwood owns a cow, but has nowhere to pasture her . . .

. . . So he talks to his neighbor, Mr. Potter, and cuts a deal to pasture his cow in Potter's field for $200 per month. Months go by and the cow is happy, but Fenwood hasn't paid Potter anything.

After 10 months, Potter goes to Fenwood to sort things out.

"Listen, you owe me $2000 an...

I got a great deal and paid only $6 for a book titled “100 Truly Disgusting Jokes.”

If you break it down per joke, I only paid for the author’s 6 cents of humor.

I just got fired for making a typo. It’s unreal. Like IT’S A TYPO! It’s not a big deal.

Firstly, “ie” and “y” are often interchangeable. Secondly a neon sign saying “Comedy Here” is way less eye-catching. And thirdly, the client said it themselves, they’d never had so many people walk in their door.

Our company has been working on this big deal for a year and I just blew it.

Oh well, I guess it’s no big deal.

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

I recently told my doctor that I cannot deal with people without feet.

He says I'm lack toes intolerant.

It's fine though, because from what I hear, they cannot stand themselves.

Why did Loki hate Roosevelt's New Deal?

It created the TVA

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

So what's the deal with lampshades?

I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

An elderly couple see a doctor about how to deal with their short term memory loss.

The doctor says to help them remember certain things they should write it down on a piece of paper. One night the couple is watching TV, when the husband starts walking to the kitchen. His wife asks "Can you bring me some strawberries?"

"Sure."

"Aren't you going to write it down so you...

I tried looking up pictures of Freud's mother to see what his deal was,

Apparently, there aren't any good surviving pictures,

they all look kinda bleached & whitened from over-cleaning.

Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with...

They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

What's the deal with racism?

You're not running a race.

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

"What's the deal with the non-linear structure?", the bartender asks.

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

How do you deal with a bad umpire?

Two balls, one strike.

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My Wife Offers a Deal

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.”

I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Some people will tell you that a rapid irregular heartbeat isn't a big deal,

but that's a-fib.

I plugged in a nightlight to deal with the monster under the bed.

Tonight it's reading Pet Sematary.

The reopening of Lego World in 2021 was a big deal.

People were lined up for blocks.

How do you call a drug dealing cow?

A narcow

The Deal

# A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary & his wife didn't speak to him for 3 months !!

# Why ... Was the necklace fake?

# No ...

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# .

# .

# .

# .

# .

# .

# .

# .
...

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

Amazing BLACK FRIDAY deal:

Buy NOTHING and save up to 100% in EVERY STORE!

A good deal...

Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min.

Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months.

Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake?

Guy 2: No. That was our deal !

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New wife: “Having a small penis is no big deal...”

New husband: “I kind of wish you didn’t have one at all.”

How do you deal with an angry tree?

Ignore them, they are all bark and no bite

Deal!

A man from Poland and a man from Russia together dig up a treasure.

The guy from Poland says:

\-- Let us divide this like brothers!

The Russian:

\-- Let’s better 50-50.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

What's the deal with Net Neutrality?

(This post has been blocked by your service provider)

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I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

What's the deal with babies?

They're up in arms until they're up in arms!

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I don't want to deal with shit from last year

Therefore, I just had my first poop in 2021

I'm sorry you're dealing with imposter syndrome

You don't deserve it.

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Two best friends make a deal.

The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.

When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is hear...

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Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

"I've never been good at dealing with confrontation."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing."

Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall.

For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

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Anniversary deal

The night before our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

I was up first the next morning so I slowly pulled back the covers and stuck my cock in her mouth.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight..

..if you're not willing to deal with the reaper cushions.

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A married guy is complaining to his friend:

“I’ve been having sex with my wife lately, but she’s been making me pay for it like a hooker!”

“How much is she charging you?”

“$50 each time!”

“Damn, that’s a great deal! She’s been charging me $200!!”

Here's a great deal.

Use promo code: NETFLIX to get 50% off grades.

What's the deal with Roman Catholics?

Why don't they just stay in one place?

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus...

They’ve gone into full loch down.

What's the deal with wet paper?

It's so tearible

After dealing with dad-jokes all winter...

I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.

The business deal...

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

T...

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

It's always nice getting a deal on a hooker

It's a better bang for your buck!

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

That perfect three-meals-for-one deal...

...ends up being a three-meals-for-dinner.

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

I heard Barcelona is ironing out a new deal with their best player.

It might get Messi

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

What do epileptic ship captains deal with?

Sea-zures

(This is a bad joke; I'll sea myself out)

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

Two guys made a deal with each other about baseball.

Bill and Bob both really love baseball.

The two guys made a deal that whoever died first would have to come down from above and tell the other guy if there was baseball in heaven.

When Bill died, he came down to tell bob.

Bill: I have good news and bad news.

Bob: The g...

What do you call someone tricked into signing a terrible deal?

The groom

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

I don’t know why people think Trump can’t make a deal...

He makes a big deal out of everything.

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