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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.

He lost my case.

I know how to deal with all of the stupid antivax people!

Push them off the edge of the earth!

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

What do epileptic ship captains deal with?

Sea-zures

(This is a bad joke; I'll sea myself out)

Often, people use fiction as an escape. They live vicariously through the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems that they do.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

Im actually a really big entrepreneur i just signed a 2 year deal with general motors

I bought a new car

Disney / Marvel just signed Caitlyn Jenner for a movie deal.

The new ex-Men movie.

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.

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"Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.."

"I don't know Jenny.. I kinda wished you didn't have one at all.."

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How does Hermione deal with constipation?

EXPELLIANUS!

Some people don’t know why the black hole picture is such a big deal...

Honestly, they just don’t get the gravity of it.

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

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I don't know why sex with customers is such a big deal

Well, anyway, I lost my job at the cemetery.

Did you hear about the duck and Chinese chef that teamed up to deal drugs?

They were slinging quack wok!

What part of the brain deals with knowledge of trees?

The treefrontal cortex.

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3 men make a deal with the devil

A white man, black man, and Mexican man make a deal with the devil
The devil tells them if they survive 100 days with out their biggest habbit he would grant tham immortality.
The whit guy chooses food
The black guy chooses women
And the Mexican guy chooses weed

The devil locks th...

What is the longest game of Deal or No Deal?

Brexit.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

Have you noticed how misleading modern smartphone deals are?

They're all so phoney.

Theresa May’s Brexit deal just lost for a third time in parliament.

Didn’t she ever learn that “no” means “no”?

Too soon? For me too.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

A new Vietnamese restaurant opened across from another, and the owners have been throwing competitive deals all week.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

What do you call a magic drug deal?

A Gandalf handoff.

The green new deal is actually a national security bill.

With out any airplanes there will be no more hijackings.

How does Sisyphus deal with his boulder falling down the mountain?

He just rolls with it.

I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

What's the deal with Roman Catholics?

Why don't they just stay in one place?

How to deal with annoying dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is s...

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An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

A good deal...

Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min.

Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months.

Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake?

Guy 2: No. That was our deal !

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:

"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so y...

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A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop.

The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pret...

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

Why does Donald Trump's book "Art of the Deal" weigh so much?

It has four chapter elevens.

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Nsfw, what's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer?

A sex worker can clean their crack and sell it again

Here's a great deal.

Use promo code: NETFLIX to get 50% off grades.

"There's a great deal of noise coming from your boot," said the policeman.

"It's my subwoofer, officer. Rather bassy isn't it?"

He frowned and said, "Sir, I've never heard a subwoofer scream for help before."

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I don’t see the big deal with same sex marriage

Me and my wife have been having the same sex for over 20 years

What do you call Spongebob with a brand deal?

Sponsbob

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

I deal with my personal problems the same way study for tests...

I don’t.

How did the cops know two men were involved in the weed deal?

It was a joint effort

What’s the deal with airline food?

Just because we’re high they think we’ll like it?

What's the worst problem an IT person who works at a sperm bank has to deal with?

Sticky keys

LPT: How to Deal with Fat Jokes

Lighten up.

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

Toys R Us black friday deals suck this year, don't waste your time...

...travel equipment.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

I don't see what's the big deal about driverless cars.

Every parking lot is full of them.

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People don't make a big deal about elevators, but they are really ahead of their time...

It's some next level shit.

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

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Did you hear Doritos secured an endorsement deal with the Dalai Lama?

He’s going to be the Chip-monk

Donald Trump seems to be great at pulling out of deals.

Shame his dad didn’t have such a strong pull out game.

How did the mathematician deal with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

What’s the deal with this new thing called Fortnite?

Saw it a couple of weeks ago

Deal!

A man from Poland and a man from Russia together dig up a treasure.

The guy from Poland says:

\-- Let us divide this like brothers!

The Russian:

\-- Let’s better 50-50.

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

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[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

Deal with your problems like Jesus did

Pretend you’re dead and disappear for three days.

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