I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter to me.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly ha...

You know I don't understand the deal with Americans and their hatred of the French and calling them surrender monkeys. I mean if it wasn't for the French we'd be speaking English right now.

Wait

It's always nice getting a deal on a hooker

It's a better bang for your buck!

What's the deal with wet paper?

It's so tearible

Amazing BLACK FRIDAY deal:

Buy NOTHING and save up to 100% in EVERY STORE!

What’s the best way to deal with kids with ADHD?

Send them to a concentration camp.

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A rookie hunter walks into a gun shop and asks the owner about the optimal modification for his pistol to better deal with brown bears.

With little hesitation the owner says to file down the front sights.

Intrigued the rookie asks how such a simple modification will help. The owner replies, "Well... It will hurt less when the bear shoves it up your ass."

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

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A man says “I sure hate having to deal with my wife”

His wife: “What the fuck, I’m right here!”

The man: “No, I meant my other one”

I've got the deal already worked out - this Black Friday, I'm getting a new Lexus for my wife

I think she's going to be really surprised - but from my perspective, it's an awesome trade.

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I want to sincerely thank everyone on Reddit for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder

Fuck you

What's the deal with babies?

They're up in arms until they're up in arms!

What do window washers, who are high on really good weed, deal with every day?

Chronic pane

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Buck was selling his car and a girl named Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3,500 and a blow job?” He smiled and replied “You’ve got a deal!” . . .

He was excited he got the
“Kelly Blew Buck” price!!

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

I don’t see what’s the big deal about Jesus anyway. God sent him to earth to suffer and die. Well guess what

He did the same to us.

What’s the deal with prisons and starting with the letter A...

I mean Alcatraz, Azkaban, Australia and Auschwitz.

A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.

He lost my case.

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

I know how to deal with all of the stupid antivax people!

Push them off the edge of the earth!

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

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Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

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Three men are sitting in a bar with a buy 3 get one free special

One says, "this deal is crap, we could go down the street to McVee's, it's buy two get one free"

The second guy says, "yeah well I always go to O'Donnell's, it's buy one get one."

The third says, "that's nothing, I know a bar that gives you the first *three* beers for free, then they t...

Husband and wife meet again in Heaven.

Husband and wife meet again in Heaven.

Wife says 'Here we are together again'.

Husband says 'Screw that! the deal was til death do us part!'

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, t...

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"Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.."

"I don't know Jenny.. I kinda wished you didn't have one at all.."

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

What do epileptic ship captains deal with?

Sea-zures

(This is a bad joke; I'll sea myself out)

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing.

I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.

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A man starts his new job as a miner in a far away Australian town.

The town only exists for miners, and all the miners are men.

After a month on the job the man is very horny, but with no women in town he's out of luck.

One night in the bar he's talking to his fellow miners about his situation. He asks them how they deal with the loneliness.

Th...

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I've been dealing with intermittent impotence

It gets hard sometimes

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

Some people don’t know why the black hole picture is such a big deal...

Honestly, they just don’t get the gravity of it.

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How does Hermione deal with constipation?

EXPELLIANUS!

A businessman and a gambler were travelling in the same plane. They were seated next to each other.

Businessman: Lets play a game of questions and answers. If you are not able to answer my question then you will give me $100. However if I am not able
to answer your question then I will give you $1000. Deal?

Gambler: Oh really? Its a deal then.

Businessman: How many countries are...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

A guy goes to stay at a cheap hotel.

He orders a 5 AM wake up call for the next day.

Next day, the phone doesn't ring till 5:30AM.

He calls reception and complains about it saying that if he had a million dollar deal, he would've lost it due to their negligence.

The receptionist says that if he had a million dollar...

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

What part of the brain deals with knowledge of trees?

The treefrontal cortex.

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

Im actually a really big entrepreneur i just signed a 2 year deal with general motors

I bought a new car

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I don't know why sex with customers is such a big deal

Well, anyway, I lost my job at the cemetery.

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Thoughts on a joke I just came up with:

My mom always be actin so cheap and shit, even though my dad leaves her tons of money when he's out of town. She went to buy a massage wand and said to the guy at the counter "I want a deal doe..."

I do have to admit the one she bought works pretty well.

I've got my mother's eyes and my father's nose

I think my brother got the better deal, he got left their house and money.

Disney / Marvel just signed Caitlyn Jenner for a movie deal.

The new ex-Men movie.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll,...

A man walks into a bar

He proceeds to sit down when the bartender approaches him and asks his drink.

“Whiskey” he says.

After the bartender pours it, a leprechaun that’s been sitting on the mans shoulder runs down and kicks the glass, thus spilling it everywhere.

“Another one please” the guy says. ...

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Life is like a farm

Gives you a ton of shit to deal with

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An Old Woman In a Nursing Home Finds A Nurse Having Sex With Her Boyfriend In Her Room

Like some real, wild, kinky stuff. The young woman’s legs were behind her head as her boyfriend went to town.

Caught in the act, the two stop, and the nurse begs the old woman not to tell. “Please! You know they’ll fire me!”

The old woman stops and thinks. She and her husband haven’t h...

What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show?

Deal or No Deal

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A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

On Tinder I’m looking for special ed teachers

So they know how to deal with me

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The Lion gives a royal decree...

In the jungle, the migthy Lion decided that he is too busy dealing with the affairs of the royal court, leaving him unable to hunt his own prey.
Due to this, he decided to give a royal decree, so that the animals in his kingdom must bring him 20 kilograms of raw meat every day. Any animal ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves ...

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What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet?

A toilet is only expected to deal with one asshole at a time.

This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why?

He said the deal was no strings attached.

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Brexit is like my girlfriend's experience with anal sex.

At first there was intrigue, then there came a great deal of pain. And now when it so much as gets mentioned there's no way she'll even listen.

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they...

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

My wife found out I was cheating and broke up with me

I didn't know Monopoly was such a big deal for her.

There was a huge fight at the boat store.

Paddles were on clearance for 90% off, and people went crazy trying to get them.

It was quite an oar deal.

I came into a pile of cash when my grandmother died.

Weird fetishes help me deal with grief.

Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees ...

A man see's a guy throwing a ball for his dog at the park.

He throws the ball, the dog chases it but as he gets close to the ball he falls to the ground and starts choking. The owner doesn't seem too fazed and the man watching is about to rush to help the dog when the dog gets up, snatches the ball and brings it back to the owner. The owner throws the ball ...

Thank you for teaching me about bargaining

It means a great deal

An old man has recently gotten ill, and is becoming worse as time went on...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

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You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

A man walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is how ridiculously short the guy on the piano is.

He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, uh, so what's the deal with the piano guy?"

"Well, you see this shiny rock right here? If you put your hand on it, it's supposed to grant you a wish."

"Holy hell, are you serious? Let me try!"

"Oh no I wouldn't. It can be finicky, it...

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

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A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

A cop pulled me over for my dark window tint.

I didn't understand why my glass being dark was such a big deal until he removed the tint.

Then it was clear to me.

Two Chinese brothers

come to New York in the seventies and open a disco. Sam Poo and Sam Pan, they do really well and the disco is a big hit.

After 10 years Sam Poo dies and goes to heaven, he has been in heaven a while when St Peter see's Sam Poo and asks whats wrong you look sad?

I am missing my brother...

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I don't know how to title this but according to higher-ups, this should be labelled as a repost so yeah. Enjoy

A guy walks over to his neighbour and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the guy asks her "Do you have a vagina?" The woman looks at him in disgust and slams the door on him.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guy walks over to his neighbour, knocks on the door and when s...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

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Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class....

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This guy was driving a really top-notch Ferrari on the highway

Speeding as much as he could, there he went, happy with his life. Until an old woman in a beat up Wolkswagen just overtook him, going way faster than he was. The guy in the Ferrari puts the pedal to the metal, but only catches up to the woman in a service station miles ahead.

He comes out of ...

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A hunter is in the jungle looking for a prey when he spots a majestic tiger...

Thinking that he has hit the jackpot, he shoots the tiger but the bullet misses it by an inch. The hunter gets really nervous and pleads the tiger not to kill him.

The tiger says,"I won't kill you but only on one condition. You have to let me fuck you". Seeing no other option the hunter says...

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally...

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