Why was "Art of the Deal" so long?

It had six Chapter 11s.

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

How do football players deal with their problems?

Tackle them head on.

I don’t know why people think Trump can’t make a deal...

He makes a big deal out of everything.

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The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them…

It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…

Just grabbed myself an early black friday deal - sleeping bag for only £30

No idea how to wake it up though...

I headed out before dawn today and braved some insane crowds, to snag some Black Friday deals.

The only thing I think I scored was a case of COVID-19.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat.

We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.

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You would not believe the shit I had to deal with today...

But at least my stomach's feeling better.

"What's the deal with the non-linear structure?", the bartender asks.

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

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[NSFW] My girlfriend asked me what the hardest thing I had to deal with growing was....

My dad's cock.

What do you call someone tricked into signing a terrible deal?

The groom

Everybody wearing masks at Walmart like it's no big deal,

but suddenly I'm the weirdo for adding tights and a cape.

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

Every other country simply does not understand why the United States keeps making such a big deal about 9/11...

"Never forget", "Fallen Heroes", "forever in our hearts",

Big woop, it means nothing to us.

the 9th of November is just as boring as any other day

If Trump loses the election at least he’ll get a movie deal

The Lyin’ King

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

You’re half a man Jerry. Just deal with it, I told him

He hopped away from the mirror

Two guys made a deal with each other about baseball.

Bill and Bob both really love baseball.

The two guys made a deal that whoever died first would have to come down from above and tell the other guy if there was baseball in heaven.

When Bill died, he came down to tell bob.

Bill: I have good news and bad news.

Bob: The g...

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

I went to McDonald’s and asked if they had any deals. The lady said, “We have the Travis Scott special, it comes with fries and a drink.”

I asked, “does it include a burger or is it just the rapper?”

Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics?

Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.

How do you deal with an angry tree?

Ignore them, they are all bark and no bite

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

What's the deal with racism?

You're not running a race.

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

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I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments.

But it was cancelled.

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Studies suggest that masturbation is twice as effective as sex for dealing with stress.

So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal.

It was a small price toupee'.

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New wife: “Having a small penis is no big deal...”

New husband: “I kind of wish you didn’t have one at all.”

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, os she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the wrld her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd.. She walks towards him and says:

‟if i can guess how many sheep you've i...

After dealing with dad-jokes all winter...

I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.

Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal!

Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?

Paul: It is half past 9.

They arrested my neighbor dentist for dealing drugs!

I'm surprised! Being friends with him all these years I didn't know he was a dentist!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

What's the deal with airline food?

This is not a joke. I think it's really plane

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

My favourite word in the world is "bargain".

It means a great deal to me.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

A hairdresser got put it jail for 9 years because he was drug dealing

All this time, I've been coming to him and never did I know that he was a hairdresser

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A man went into a Birmingham supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there...

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the stor...

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

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A drunken Dick came home and fell dead asleep next to his wife

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter said, "You died in your sleep Dick."

Dick was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"Saint Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Di...

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

...

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them. “That I’m going to give you a special gift…“I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.”And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.The two handsome figures approach...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

What do you call a deal brokered by a cephalopod?

Squid-pro-quo.

I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.

It was an empty envelope.

I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year....

I am now dealing with emotional baggage.

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor

and complains about her frequent flatulence. "But it's not a big deal" she assures the doctor "as they neither smell nor are they loud." Doctor examines and gives her some pills. "Take these and see me in two weeks." Two weeks pass and woman returns, furious. "What did you do?" she demands "I'm stil...

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic

He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95

I hear the best deals on lipo-suction can be found in Great Britain...

...Pound for pound.

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

I don’t see the big deal with triplets.

You see one, you’ve seen them all.

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What do statisticians and sexologists have in common?

They both deal with STDs

A close friend recently died, and at the funeral I asked if I could say a word

The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".

Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.

A kid always embarrasses his father

Whenever they are in public, he shouts “dad i need to pee!” So the father made a deal with the kid, instead of saying “pee” he says “whistle”
The days passed and the kid went to spend the weekends in his grandpa’s house, when night came, he woke up his father mid-night saying “grandpa i need to ...

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

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Products with what deals do pornstars buy?

Bang for buck.

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

Sorry everyone,

Today’s session on dealing with disappointment has been cancelled.

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day.

Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DE...

A circus owner walked into a bar.

Everyone was standing around one table. He checked what was happening. He saw a dancing duck on an upside-down bucket, and the people loved that little show.

The circus owner himself was impressed. He decided to buy the dancing duck. After a few minutes of dealing, they settled for $25,000 fo...

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One Upon A Time Up The Dirt Track...

Two rocks are lying side by side on a dusty track. The first rock says to the other, ‘the strangest thing happened to me this morning; a man was walking up the track and he stopped and started looking intently at me, as if he was visually gauging my grain size and colouring.”

“That is strange...

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ...

I can't deal with high-maintenance people.

Christian Bale gained 40lbs for a role.

Big deal, I gained over 50lbs from multiple rolls.

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

A blond City girl named Amy marries a N. Dakota rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The ...

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

What’s the best way to not deal with annoying in-laws?

Marry an orphan.

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Two old friends meet at the supermarket and one says

"Hey, man! How have you been?"

"Oh, great," says the other. "I have recently bought an elephant."

"An elephant? Are you serious?" asks his friend.

"Yeah, man. The kids love him, he's their best friend. They call him Mr Trunks. He washes my car with his trunk. I don't need to cut...

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven’t seen him since

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A guy from the city decides to go hunting

He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

I recently started a recruitment agency that only deals with the underground mining industry.

It's called, Staff It Where The Sun Don't Shine.

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter to me.

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Donald and Mike

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were travelling down Route 66 when Donald fell asleep at the wheel and crashed head on to oncoming traffic and they both died. When Donald and Mike reached the pearly gates of hell Mike said:

"Listen Devil, my time on earth is not done yet. I'll do whatever you wa...

I was going to propose to my girlfriend

I was going to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate joseph walked into the room, tripped and put his head through the glass coffee table. He had glass in his eye.

I didn't really know my roommate. I didn't even know where he was from, but I postponed the proposal, to deal with this medi...

I think in a couple of months we're all going to sit back and just laugh at this so-called COVID crisis and say what was the big deal.

Well, not all of us.

I was in my kitchen

Drinking a beer, when suddenly it said "hey hiya, how's it going!" I was stunned. "Wow, you can talk?" I asked the beer.

"Sure!" It said, "All beers can talk."

"Oh really?" I asked. I picked up an empty bottle and said "Can you talk?"

"Mmrrphrrgaaaa!" Is all the empty bottle sai...

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A guy coming in the bar makes a 50$ bet. ( this is a very long joke so sorry about that.)

He says to the bartender if I can put my eye in my mouth you have to give me 50$. The bartender says sure I’ll make that deal, so the guy takes out his eye and says glass eye and puts it in his mouth. The bartender is visibly angry and the guy says. If I can put my other eye in my mouth it’s another...

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

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Voting in America is like cleaning up after your dog...

No one wants to deal with that shit, but it's your duty.

At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

On the seventh day God rested when He should've fixed the bugs.

Just came up with this after dealing with somebody's PMS.

That perfect three-meals-for-one deal...

...ends up being a three-meals-for-dinner.

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal.

The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”.

The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

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Two men are shipwrecked on an island... (long)

They decide to explore the island to look for food as they are quite hungry. After a while of searching they find a cabin hidden in the middle of the woods and there's smoke coming from the chimney.

The first man tells the second he'll go knock and check it out and that the other should stay ...

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For many, figuring out who to give the free Reddit award will be similar to choosing who to lose your virginity to.

For some: it’s not a big deal, you’ll have fun with it, and it’ll be whoever you see in the moment.

For others: you’ll overthink it and fumble deciding. Soon the moment will pass and you’ll be a virgin forever.

I told a girl that periods are no big deal

She ovary acted

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Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

These cruise deals are getting out of hand

A month ago, if you paid $1500 you could cruise for seven days. But right now if you pay $219, you can cruise for the rest of your life!

The German National Basketball team just signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with Nike

From now on the only sneakers they'll be wearing are Herr Jordan's

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In a faraway land there was a king

And he had a very beatiful daughter, the minister loved her so much that he would offer anything for a night with her, So the strategist made him an offer: "give me half your wealth and I'll think of a way so you get to kiss her for a whole day...but if you break our deal you will regret it"
...

Yesterday, a man comes into a store, buys a newspaper

He looks at the headline and throws it in the trash.

Today, same deal. Buys newspaper, throws it away. The man behind the counter asks for the reason.

"I'm looking for a death notice"

"Shouldn't you be looking in the obituaries, then?"

"The one I'm looking for will make t...

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Two best friends make a deal.

The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.

When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is hear...

Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home.

They're in karentine.

I’ve never been in a plane before so I never knew what the deal with airline food was.

Does that mean the joke went over my head?

A man went to the doctor about rectal itching.

After the exam he asked the doctor "Is it hemmorhoids?".

The doctor replied "That's how they started, but they have grown a good deal. I think I would call these meatier rhoids".

I’ve been on the prowl for the best thrift store deals

I guess you could say I’m Goodwill Hunting.

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

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