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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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"Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.."

"I don't know Jenny.. I kinda wished you didn't have one at all.."

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

What do you call a magic drug deal?

A Gandalf handoff.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:

"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so y...

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An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

People often use fiction to escape into the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems as them.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

So whats the deal with latin music artists and their obsession with those little automated vacuum cleaners?

RUMBA!

What's the deal with Roman Catholics?

Why don't they just stay in one place?

How does Sisyphus deal with his boulder falling down the mountain?

He just rolls with it.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

A good deal...

Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min.

Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months.

Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake?

Guy 2: No. That was our deal !

How to deal with annoying dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is s...

My wife deals with a glass ceiling everyday at work

She fixes sunroofs

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Nsfw, what's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer?

A sex worker can clean their crack and sell it again

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A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop.

The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pret...

Here's a great deal.

Use promo code: NETFLIX to get 50% off grades.

How did the cops know two men were involved in the weed deal?

It was a joint effort

I deal with my personal problems the same way study for tests...

I don’t.

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday

All Fridays matter.

"There's a great deal of noise coming from your boot," said the policeman.

"It's my subwoofer, officer. Rather bassy isn't it?"

He frowned and said, "Sir, I've never heard a subwoofer scream for help before."

Why does Donald Trump's book "Art of the Deal" weigh so much?

It has four chapter elevens.

What’s the deal with airline food?

Just because we’re high they think we’ll like it?

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I don’t see the big deal with same sex marriage

Me and my wife have been having the same sex for over 20 years

Toys R Us black friday deals suck this year, don't waste your time...

...travel equipment.

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"

But then an idea struck him!

The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

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People don't make a big deal about elevators, but they are really ahead of their time...

It's some next level shit.

What's the worst problem an IT person who works at a sperm bank has to deal with?

Sticky keys

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Donald Trump Pulls Out of Iran Deal.

Man, these porn stars come up with weird names.

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

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Did you hear Doritos secured an endorsement deal with the Dalai Lama?

He’s going to be the Chip-monk

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

LPT: How to Deal with Fat Jokes

Lighten up.

I don't see what's the big deal about driverless cars.

Every parking lot is full of them.

Deal!

A man from Poland and a man from Russia together dig up a treasure.

The guy from Poland says:

\-- Let us divide this like brothers!

The Russian:

\-- Let’s better 50-50.

Dont challange Death to a pillow fight

...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

How did the mathematician deal with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Donald Trump seems to be great at pulling out of deals.

Shame his dad didn’t have such a strong pull out game.

How do you approach a Care Bear that deals in absolutes?

Carefully.

I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.

I have a great deal of very tight boxer briefs.

I buy them in XS.

I thought I got a great deal on this new bow.

Turned out to just be a nock-off

What’s the deal with lamp shades??

If you want a lamp, why do you need shade??

My favorite supermarket had a fantastic deal on a mirror...

... I could see myself buying it.

When asked about how Chris Brown deals with Rihanna's infidelity, she replied

"Beats me"

What medication are ants prescribed to deal with their low moods?

Anty depressants.

T-Mobile and Sprint have finally agreed to a massive merger deal

I tried to join the celebration, but there was no reception

What’s the deal with this new thing called Fortnite?

Saw it a couple of weeks ago

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

The best feeling in the world is waking up realizing that you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of what you did in your dreams...

That is until my wife wakes up and I have to deal with the repercussions of what I did in HER dreams

Deal with your problems like Jesus did

Pretend you’re dead and disappear for three days.

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

My wife said she couldn’t deal with my OCD anymore.

I said fine, open and close the door five times and leave.

An existentialist, a nihilist, and an absurdist are baking cookies,

They've been at it for hours trying recipe after recipe, but they just can't get it right. Nothing they make tastes as good as they hope.

Eventually, the existentialist throws his hands up in despair. "Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe we just need to accept that taste is subjecti...

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

​

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each...

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks aw...

Great Deal at the Grocery Store

Bill is a man in his forties and he gathered his old fraternity brothers together for a weekend to play some poke, reminisce about old times and complain about their lives. Particularly, Bill had marital troubles, and was explaining his worries that his wife was cheating on him.
One of the guy...

I don't get the deal with overprotective parents,

they clearly didn't use protection if they are parents.

An Indian baker was making a big deal about his bread...

...turns out it was a na'an issue.

KFC

A man from KFC arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Holiness, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church."...

What's the deal with Net Neutrality?

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Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”

So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every s...

People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

I love to go to bookstores and ask "Hello, I'm looking for a book titled: How to deal with rejection without killing"

... do you have it? ...

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Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework.

Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor.

I’m like yeah sure what?

He asks me to dri...

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Have you ever thought "I don't want to deal with this shit today"

So you leave without wiping?

I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

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After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

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My Wife Offers a Deal

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.”

I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”

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On the first night my girlfriend and I stayed togather overnight, we made a deal that whoever woke up first had to surprise the other with oral.

I dont understand why she was so pissed when she woke up with my Dick in her mouth.

It's not a big deal that people are now printing guns using 3D printers

I have had a Canon printer for years.

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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

For like a week every month, my wife will make a big deal out of the smallest things

I think she's just ovary acting