Taken Jokes - 126 Hilarious Taken Jokes

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

What a selfie called taken by an orphan?

A family photo.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you t...

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient w...

Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu

His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.

"Yes, go get a priest."

"A priest? But we're Jewish!"

"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"

Trump was taken to Walter Reed tonight

I wish him a speedy recovfefe

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."

He conti...

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Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.

While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked. He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge's penis that he called his assistant in. Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing's gotta be the size of a baseball bat!" the assistant commented.

L...

Selfies taken by orphans are

Family photos

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A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The i...

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3 men are walking through the jungle when they get taken by cannibals

They beg for their lives are given the chance of freedom - they have to go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of the same fruit.

So off they go and not long after the 1st man returns with 10 apples. This is when he is told about the 2nd part of the deal

"You must insert all of t...

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"

All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarel...

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Being taken to heaven

Sunday school teacher asks her class "when a person dies, what part of you does God take to heaven? " hands go up and she calls on a young girl in the front.

The girl says "I think God takes your hands first because when we pray we put our hands together."

"What a good ...

I came home to find all the windows wide open and everything had been taken.

Next year I'll be hiding my advent calendar.

Kim Jong Un visits a pig farm somewhere in rural North Korea. A photograph of him with some pigs is taken.

The caption reads: Several pigs surrounding Dear Leader (3rd from left)

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

My grandad was recently taken ill

My grandad was recently taken ill, so we took him to hospital. He seemed ok for the first 3 days, but on day 3 they covered his entire back in lard. He began to go down hill really quickly after that.

A new Taken movie is being made.

In it, Liam Neeson feels like nobody appreciates the effort he went through to get his family back. So he pays people to kidnap him to make his family see the lengths he went through to save them.

It’s going to be called Taken 4 Granted.

What do you call a high resolution video taken during Jesus' resurrection?

ADHD

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An arab was wrongfully taken into custody at the airport..

After feeling humiliated by the incident he decided to hire a lawyer to sue the TSA

The lawyer tells him “I’m sorry this happened to you. Ever since 9/11, your people have been forced to live in fear. This needs to stop! Now tell me exactly what happened?”

The arab goes on to explain h...

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

because the owner will tell you

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

Sorry ladies I'm taken!!!

Taken as a joke.

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

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MEXICAN MAID - Joke taken from a FW email

The [Mexican maid-NSFW](http://imgur.com/a/Y31qa) asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

”Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. ...

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home.

The family bought Grandpa Joe in on his wheelchair.

A kind young nurse met them. "Welcome to our nursing home! Let me show you around!" She said in a friendly tone, as she took the wheelchair.

She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. "This is the lounge. Y...

Did you hear about that lorry driver that got pulled over and taken to jail for the white powder in the trailer?

It turned out to be sodium chloride, poor driver got arrested for a-salt.

Thoughts go out my Mother-in-law. She's been taken to hospital after a bee landed on her face

Luckily she wasn't stung as I was too quick with the spade.

Why was the runner in the marathon stopped and taken to jail?

He was resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running joke in my family.

A man was taken into custody and questioned about a robbery committed by a man wearing a skirt. The man was freed without charges.

He never made an admission of kilt.

Texas being taken over by snowflakes

Guess they should have voted Democrat

What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?

What a load of Istanbull

The tornado may have taken my house but I found it very refreshing

It was an F5

It dawned on me that I was being taken for granite

as I overheard my kidnappers negotiating my release for a set of quality countertops.

Sucks how every girl I'm interested in is either taken

or has good taste in men

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Haven't taken a dump in 4 days and I feel fine.

Then again, I could just be full of shit.

I've recently taken up tap dancing.

Unfortunately I keep falling into the bath.

Which metal can only be taken by force?

Cesium

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Did you here about the cow that got taken away?

[Remooved]

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.

"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"

The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

I knew I shouldn't have taken my dog to the blacksmith

As soon as we got there, he made a bolt for the door

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

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An old cowboy was captured by some Indians and was taken to the chief.

The chief said, "For trespassing on our sacred land you will be put to death in 3 days, but at the morning of each day I will grant you one request."

Two young men from the tribe woke him up early the first morning and asked him what his first request is.

"Just let me talk to my horse,...

(Sorry if Tha Joke was already taken) An American and a Soviet Russian...

Were Talking About Their Countries Freedom of Freedom and Rights , The American said : "Mr Kutznesova , in the Usa i can go right into the White House and say to President Ronald Reagan that he's way to Manage the Country isnt Right for Me " . The Russian Guy replied : " Mr Smith , i can also go to ...

What does the bowling ball who was taken hostage say?

Please spare me

Why can't school buses be taken seriously?

They are always kidding around.

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

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My wife has taken mask wearing very seriously

She even makes me wear it during sex

My dad has taken Dad Jokes as far as they can possibly go.

Seriously, you couldn't take them any father.

I just had a photo taken with REM...

That’s me in the corner!

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House

He said, "So nothing new then"

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding...

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning.

The officer talks to the first girl asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.

The officer ask...

How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in while?

She does a split and sticks to the floor.

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate. Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. But johnny...

Benny swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.

When his mother asked how he was, the nurse said "No change yet."

Comedians tell better jokes when they’ve taken drugs.

It’s always funnier when they crack themselves up.

A Russian boy sees his father being arrested by the FSB and asks, “Papa, why are you being taken to the Gulag?”

The father replies, “I don’t know son, I’m not interested in politics.”

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

I've taken up meditation

It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

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A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

I'll never forget my dog's last words

"You've taken too much acid."

Schizophrenia is a very serious condition and shouldn't be taken lightly and joked about.

At least, that's what the 12 foot tall guy in my bedroom mirror keeps telling me.

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People who haven't taken a crap yet today...

...stop holding onto yesterday's shit!

A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music.

He was arrested for his sick beats

What do you call a redditor who has been taken hostage?

A stolen joke

I was taken advantage of my first day of college

I was young.

There were more than one of them.

They wanted my interest and they got it.

They said I couldn't back out.

And it won't be that bad.

I took more than I could handle and it hurt.

Now it burdens me every day.

They said after college th...

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Two explorers are taken prisoner by cannibals.

The cannibals take the explorers to their village where they are immediately thrown into a big pot of water. A fire is lit beneath them, and immediately the water gets warm. One of the explorers starts laughing hysterically, to which the other explorer exclaims, "What the hell is so funny? We're a...

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A new mint flavored contraceptive taken before sex...

called Predickamints.

Women are like parking spots. Usually, the best ones are taken...

So when no one's looking, stick in the disabled one.

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Hitler could have taken over the world...

If he would have just stoped Stalin

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

My YouTube video with no audio just got taken down.

John Cage gave me a copyright strike.

I had barely taken off my finger out of her wet hole, that......

..... within seconds she started going down on me. I thought to myself, "Man! I am really gonna miss this boat"

I haven't taken a bath since last year!

and by tomorrow, it'll be two

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

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Three young men were caught doing drugs and taken to court

The judge said to them "I should have you all punished severely, but I'd like to give you a chance. I'd like you to go out and convince other young people not to take drugs, but I'd like you to do it using this piece of paper."

He gave them each a small piece of paper with two circles on them...

So this dog gets arrested and taken to the police station

Detective: What did you get arrested for?

Dog: I buried a bone.

Detective: Where did you bury it?

Dog: In your mom.

Neo probably should have taken the blue pill

Ask Hugh Hefner.

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.

Taken from Tinder bio post...

Anti-vaxxers make me sick. They should be taken out back...

...and given shots.

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A tourist is backpacking through the highland of Scotland (Taken from Andrew Stanton’s Ted talk)

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in their is the bartender and an old man drinking a beer. He orders a pint and they sit in silence and drink for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and says, “ye see this ...

What do you call X-rays taken by a dentist?

Tooth-pics.

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists.

The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.

When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where th...

A man wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap is taken to a psychologist for an evaluation

He walks into the office and the first thing the psychologist says is, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Someone told me that weed was more potent taken anally...

... But i feel like they were just blowing smoke up my ass

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

"Life is way too short to be taken seriously."

An anti-vaxxer said to her kid.

Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed...

Woke up with a few though.

"Have you ever taken any ecstasy?" asked my friend.

"Yeah," I said. "My first love really enjoyed the ocean, actually."

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Terrorists have taken over the local courthouse.

They are threatening to release a lawyer every 15 minutes unless their demands are met.

The Chinese have taken over our office block.

That's wong on so many levels.

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence

Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

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How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

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