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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English?

Dairy practice.

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

I was shocked to learn what BBC stands for.

It was just a lot to take in.

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I've just learned the medical name for viagra

Mycoxaflopin

You need to learn spreadsheets...

if you want to Excel in life.

If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.

Their, I finally said it.

Huge shoutout to everyone who helped me learn the definition of ‘many’.

It means a lot!

There’s only 1 rule in learning English

1.) Their our know rules

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Learn to masturbate

Someday; It'll come in handy

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I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past 'X'

I just don't know why !

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My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

In my time owning a dog I've learned two things

1. Dogs love chocolate
2. Dogs don't live very long

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. –

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I just learned how to lock pick

Its opened so many doors for me

Did you hear about the blonde who didn’t learn to water ski?

She couldn’t find a lake with a slope

I found geometry tough to learn

It was an all around problem for me.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

Calculus has a steep learning curve...

But at least you know exactly how steep the learning curve is!

Today I learned that the folds in the iris of your eyes are called crypts

No wonder I find them so cryptivating

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I learned today that taxi's are now a hot political topic.

I called for acab and all the conservatives got pissed.

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

A: Where'd you learn to swim so well?!

B: In water.

I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest....

It’s so sad. He had so much potential

My friend said he's learning bass guitar...

...Something about this sounds fishy.

Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs?

Just follow these ten simple steps!

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

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My wife has been watching porn to learn new ways to spice up our sex life.

The other night she laid down in bed and remained completely motionless while we made love. I asked what she was doing. She said “it’s called ‘buffering’ honey”.

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

I recently learned that the large lump under my chin is actually an exotic parasite.

When I first noticed it, I wanted it gone immediately. But now I have to admit, it's grown on me quite a bit.

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.

EDIT: sorry, type-O

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

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Today in history class, I learned that Hitler was gay,

he was Europe's most feared dick taker.

I keep trying to learn about this one TV show,

but every time I ask “What is Jeopardy?”, people just laugh.

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I learned to tie rope on the toilet

I shit you knot

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies

Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England

Student: what’s new England?

England: *walks in* nothin much what’s new with you

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

I just learned how to speak parrot.

I just learned how to speak parrot.

Ezra, a devout Jew, sent his son to Israel to learn about the culture.

When Ezra's son came back, he told his father, "I had a great time in Israel. I even converted to Christianity!"

Ezra was so shocked that he decided to tell his next door neighbour, Levi, also a devout Jew.

"Funny you should mention this," said Levi. "I too sent my son to Israel and he...

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

I recently learned that friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them, they disappear.

I really wanted to learn to play the theramin,

but once I finally got one I never touched the thing.

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My girlfriend promised me we would have anal sex if we got married. We got married, and I have learned 3 things...

1. Listen more carefully
2. The meaning of the word 'annual'
3. Don't get married

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.

Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

When I first moved to the US, I learned English by playing Pokemon Red

It was super effective

Little Johnny Learns Math

The teacher asked Little Johnny, "What's two and two?" He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers.


"Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three." He put his hands behind his back, ...

What is the fastest way to learn surviving a car crash?

A crash course

This one just came from my 3 year old, she’s still learning jokes: What do you call a monkey on a swing?

A monkey going “wee-wee”

Normally her jokes don’t make *any* sense, but this one actually made us laugh

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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My therapist said I should take myself on a date to learn to love myself.

I couldn't because I don't date broke people.

I've learned a bunch of secrets about cows.

I heard them through the bo-vine.

So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

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Little Johnny learns politics

One night at the dinner table a little boy asked his father what politics was. The father states, "well son, I make the money in the family, so we will call me the capitalist. Your mother budgets and manages the money, so we will call her the government. Your nanny works for us, so we will call her ...

Today I learned that 92% of people will believe everything you say...

...as long as you start by saying "Today I learned..."

I’m learning a soon to be dead language

It’s called Italian

I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

Where did Anthony Hopkins go to learn about cannibalism?

To a Hannibal Lecture.

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Learning from Construction workers *long*

So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mother asks "Did you ...

I tried to learn what clandestine means.

Turns out it's a secret.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Which is more important to learn—derivatives or anti derivatives?

Anti derivatives. They’re integral to your success.

I learned Jesus loves you...

Means something completely different in Mexican prisons.

Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet

Because he spent years at C

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

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Two brothers, a 6-year-old and a 5-year-old, decide that today is the day they will learn how to swear..

The 6-year-old says, "I'm gonna say the word 'damn,' " and the 5-year-old replies with glee, "I'll say the word 'ass,' " and they giggle and wait for their opportunity. Mother calls for them to come down for breakfast. They run downstairs, into the kitchen, and jump on the stools.

"What woul...

Today I learned the side effects of smoking frogs

It turns out that it makes you super jumpy

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could dea...

How do American schoolkids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

Mmmm. Just learned an interesting fact

So apparently anti vaxxed children have mid life crisis at the age of 2

The most important thing I learned in school is how to use math in my everyday life.

Damn, I meant to say meth, damn drugs been messing with my brain

Where do ice-cream makers go to learn their trade?

Sundae school.

There first 3 things I learned when I went to school.

1. I'm stupid

2. I suck at maths.

What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

Just learned about the Baader-Meinhof effect...

Now I can't stop seeing it everywhere!

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

I just learned that some teas cause cancer

But that's a Brisk im willing to take

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

Kid vs Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan

It's non-stick

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

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A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."

Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"

"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I ro...

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Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

A proctologist fed up with his job decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a diesel mechanic.

He decides to enroll in a course at the local community college to learn the basics. He’s a talented student. Before he knows it, he’s acing all of the paper exams and quizzes.

At the final evaluation, the proctologist is asked to apply what he learned by completely disassembling, rebuilding,...

How do blind people learn to read braille?

They get a good feel for it

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

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Today I learned what cock fights actually mean..

Apparently its 2 male chickens fighting to the death. Well, I guess I wasted 4 years of my life training for nothing..

Learning to waltz is hard.

It feels like I'm taking two steps forward, then one step back.

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

What’s the first thing you learn working in construction?

Substance abuse

What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray

what would you do if your father learned that you are prostuting?

>discount.

You're an intern when you're learning to be a doctor

But when you learn to pull teeth, are you indentured?

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

Rudeness vs Kindness

Rudeness vs Kindness

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked and yelled at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she le...

In high school we were learning about cells by examining our own cheek cells under a microscope. One girl was confused because her cheek cells didn't look like the diagram in the book. The teacher went over to take a look and said

Those are sperm cells

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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

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One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

When you learn to think on your feet, you can make something from a mistake.

I learned from my parents...

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me

If you fall into water and don't know how to swim

You have the rest of your life to learn.

True story from an acquaintance from Zambia: Before I came to this country, I learned that the Zambian government would offer a stipend to any family with five or more children...

My wife and I had only four children. When I found out about the stipend, I came to her and admitted that, years ago soon after we married, I had been with a woman in the mountains while traveling, and that I had a son with this woman that my wife never knew about.

After cursing me up and do...

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