Learn Jokes - 143 Hilarious Learn Jokes

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

r/Jokes is a great place to learn English

Not just because of the vocabulary and fun, but also because reading the same thing over and over again is crucial in the learning process.

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

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Fast learning

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

\- "Son, how old are you?"

\- "Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued,

\- "Do you know what t...

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

I just learned what BBC stood for.

It was a lot to take in.

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...

Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

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A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Braille isn't that hard to learn...

You just have to get a feel for it

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

When a BMW owner learns to drive...

What kind of car do they switch to?

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.

To teach himself CPR.

I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

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The thing I learned from Beauty and the Beast:

Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.

I've decided to learn jokes in sign language

Then I can guarantee no one's heard them before.

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I recently learned the meaning of threesome

It's when three people have sex together. And a foursome is the same, but with four people. Now i know, why my teacher always called me a handsome guy

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Why couldn't the trans person learn coding?

They are non-binary!

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

I didn't learn about turtles at school

They never tortoise

Some say that the english language is hard to learn.

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then the...

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Learned this one when I was 5

The elephant said to the camel: Haha! You have your tits on your back!
Then the camel answered: So what? You have your dick om your face!

(it was hilarious when I was 5, and I still giggle a bit when remembering it)

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?

At Sundae school.

Why did the atheist struggle to learn algebra?

Because he didn't believe in a higher power.

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Just learned

the German word for constipation.

Farfrompoopen..

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Tarzan learns about sex

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his...

English is so easy to learn...

You just need to remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don’t rhyme and neither do read and lead.

I learn a lot from my mistakes

I think it's time to make a few more.

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Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

I just learned that Peruvian Owls always hunt in pairs..

It's because they are Inca hoots.

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with.

Verizon Wireless customer service.

I've been learning to make pasta recently...

And I'm pretty good apart from a Fusilli mistakes

Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??

Well, I for one..

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bul...

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!

[ I'm^so^sorry ]

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[NSFW] Why is it a good idea to learn how to masturbate?

It comes in handy.

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

Learning to collect trash wasn't that hard.

I just picked it up as I went along.

What is a spell that you can learn with a frying pan?

Cast Iron.

i told my girlfriend yesterday, she should learn to embrace her mistakes

she seemed very content, because she instantly hugged me.

I learned about woodturning after my 30's

I was a lathe bloomer.

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

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I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands...

...no canaries there either.

I was pretty surprised to learn Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car

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What school do men attend, to learn how to masturbate?

The school of hard socks.

What does an executioner get to learn about events?

A noose-paper

I’m learning sign language…

Not sure if I’m any good at it, but I never heard any complaint.

Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

Why did the cleaning lady learn hypnosis?

She wanted to do some brainwashing.

About a week ago I decided to try and learn sign language

Turns out it's very handy.

Little Johnny is in second grade. They’re learning about different animals

The teacher asks Suzie, “Suzie, what do chickens give you?”

Suzie answers, “eggs!”

Teacher says, “very good Suzie. And Mark, what do pigs give you?”

Mark says, “bacon!”

Teacher goes, “excellent, Mark! Johnny, what do cows give you?”

Johnnie answers, “usually homewo...

A teacher tells the students to each tell a true story that has a moral that they learned from one of their parents...

The teacher calls up a little girl, and she tells her story, "My dad is raises chickens for their eggs. One day he collected the eggs from his hens and put them all into a big basket. Then he put the basket into the back of his truck but as he was driving to market he hit a big bump in the road, whi...

Learning the birds and bees

A little girl goes to her mother and tells her she learned how babies are made. Her mother asks her what she learned.

"A boy puts his peepee in a girls mouth, and a baby is made."

"Oh, sweetie!" replies the mother, "That's not how babies are made. That's how jewelry is made."

I tried joining a long-exposure photography course, but I didn’t learn anything.

It all went by in a blur.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

How do camels learn to mate ?

They read the Llama Sutra.

Alpaca my bags, I think.....

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My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myself…

That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!

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Today I learned that the Invisible Man has been masturbating to me

It came out of nowhere…

What do you call someone who learns too many languages?

Polyglottenous!

I just learned how much rainbows weigh.

It turns out they’re pretty light.

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

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In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

10 things electricians don't want you to learn to DIY!

Number 4 is truly shocking

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

Where do manta rays learn to read?

In elemantaray school.

What's the difference between learning vowels and learning computer science?

When learning vowels, it's only sometimes "why?"

A few days ago, I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere.

I've learned that "Chicken Kiev" is a misnomer

There's nothing chicken about them.

I wanted to go to vacation to Thailand but then I learned more about the place

So Phuket

(Wrote this one yesterday, let me know if it's been heard before)

Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from?

What does a prudent Ukrainean learn?

It depends.

An optimistic Ukrainian learns English.

A pessimistic one learns Russian.

A realistic one learns how to shoot a rifle.

 

It's an old Romanian joke, from the '90s, it suddenly became relevant for our neighbours.

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

In math class the students are learning about fractions.

The teacher asks Lindsey, "What would your mother do if she had 7 kids, but only 4 apples?" Lindsey says, "She'd make applesauce!"

And yes, this joke is from the days before tape diagrams...

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Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

I wanted to learn how to fly a plane...

But I realised I was in the wrong class when the professor said this will be a crash course in flight!

(Sorry if it's a bit dad joke-ish I tried to write my own joke but chances are it's been told before)

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The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

L...

Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands

They just don't want to

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I recently learned how to suck my own dick...

Sorry if I sound full of myself.

When Sean Connery first learned to talk..

he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."

His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.

And the resht is hishtory.

A baker trainee is learning how to make bread.

While preparing the dough, he asks his boss: 'How do I know it no longer needs kneading?' 'As soon as your asscrack gets drippy with sweat', the boss says.

After a while, the trainee, tired of kneading, sticks his hand in his pants.
'No, not yet.'

Little Timmy learns something

One day little timmys dad asks him what he learnt in school that day. Little Timmy says: "Well, my teacher was mad as hell at me today." His dad asks:"Why was that?" "Well," says Little Timmy "she showed us two glasses filled with water and whiskey and then she put two worms in them. The worm in the...

Walking is super annoying to learn.

It always takes more than 2 steps to figure out.

I took me forever to learn what Tl;dr meant.

All the explanations were too long; so I didn't read them.

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How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English?

Dairy practice.

Learning photography is hard.

Last week I got kicked out of a photography workshop for indecent exposure.

You need to learn spreadsheets...

if you want to Excel in life.

Today I learned that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export

And also its biggest import.

What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

After learning about Roman Numerals, no wonder they had so many orgies:

...the sixty-nine position took 4 people!

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

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A dad from Appalachia asked his son what he learned in school that day. He said “the boys on the bus were saying the skin between your legs is the ‘taint’ but I don’t know why they were calling it that.”

The father replied, “well if I remember correctly from my learnin it’s because it t’aint the balls, but it t’aint quite the butthole either.”

I was shocked to learn the girl working at IKEA reported me to her manager.

All I did was ask, "How much for the one night stand?"

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I just learned about the roundest knight at the Round Table

I just learned about the roundest knight at the Round Table.

His name was Sir Cumfrince.

Moose hunters never learn . . .

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last ...

I just learned Albert Einstein’s real

I always thought he was a theoretical physicist

What's the first thing a young witch learns?

How to spell.

In school i hed learned three things:

Reeding and caunting.

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Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong

One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong

One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”

The teacher says no,

He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

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Things I learned today!

1) My penis is larger than the pens you get in the bank.
2) I’m not welcome in the bank anymore.

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Learning how to identify

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer wearing a rainbow pride shirt. "I didn't realize you were gay," the bartender says. "Oh, I'm not. But I just discovered I am a part of the LGBT community and I want to show my support," the guy replies. "Since I get all my loving from prostitutes it was point...

Where do bees learn about pollination?

Plant Parenthood.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

How does a computer learn karate?

With a punch card

In school, you learn about spies

In soviet Russia, spies learn about you!

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

Today I learned that Dr. Seuss’ mom was a pioneer in physiotherapy.

Ma Seuss.

Women only find me ugly until they learn how much I make

Then they find me ugly and poor

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When kids learn to swear.

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and yo...

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It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.

To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third ...

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

A Machine Learning algorithm walks into a bar.

200 times.

>!But on the 201st iteration it managed to path around it. !<

>!On the 202nd iteration it became the bartender and all the other bartenders were fired. !<

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

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I try to learn from my mistakes,

but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass.

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

We learned about oxymorons.

It was very fun, there were many examples.

freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!

Today I learned...

It’s not polite to greet a blind person with long time no see

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