I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.

Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.

How do blind people learn to read braille?

They get a good feel for it

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

What's the most important lesson a which learns in school?

Spelling

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

What do we get to learn each year of our life?

Life lessens

I tried to learn the tongue of the people in Finland.

But I couldn't Finnish a sentence.

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Once the sex robots learn cooking...

women will be 'screwed'.

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I really wish i could learn how to juggle like the carnival guys

But i don’t have the balls to do it

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal...

Im trying to learn about circular motion...

But i keep going off on tangents.

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college..." "Well then, I'm sorry. But you are unqualified to work here."

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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

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All my life I've wanted to learn how to juggle

I just never had the balls to do it

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

My friend is learning to write code and he just lost an eye..

He wants to write a patch but he can’t see sharp.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

My dad wanted to learn more about Korean culture.

K, pop.

I think my new roommate is learning a new language using post-its.

I think that's why he is acting really strange lately.

It's a pretty strange language, though. Every food item is called "Frank."

Where did 2021 soldiers learn to shoot?

In school!

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

What important historical fact can one learn from Mount Rushmore?

The best American Presidents were stoned.

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My Girlfriend is leaving me after learning that I spent our life savings on a penis extension.

She said that she could not take it any longer.

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

Now that I’m an dad, I’ve been learning dad jokes. But I Can never find the opportunity to use them.

Guess I gotta look father

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were shouting “13...13...13.”

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting “14...

What do you call someone who has an unhealthy relationship with learning too many languages?

They’re polyglottenous.

(Sorry it’s a bad joke)

What do you call friends who learn mathematics together?

Algebros....

Today I learned that cows can't eat the round bales of hay.

Because they need to have a square meal.

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I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Not learning from mistakes runs in the family.

Which is why I have a little brother.

In prison I learned from mexicans

That "Jesus loves you" means something different.

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

I learned today that I'm colorblind

This was a surprise, it really came out of the purple

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

Why did the priest learn music?

He wanted to play in A-minor

How does a computer learn things?

Bit by bit

(Apologies for dad-ness and possible repost)

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Son goes to dad to tell him he learned to get an errection whistling.

"Dad, dad. Look!" He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
"Very good, my son. Just like your dad. Look." He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Uncle sees that and approves. Then, demonstrates. He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Grand...

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

The first Time in went to prison was at a very young age. Learned the inner workings very quickly and even got some tips from the guards.

Man I miss schooltrips

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Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong

One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong

One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”

The teacher says no,

He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

Learning letters

"I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

My grandma asked where I learned a good joke I told her.

I told her “Reddit”

She said “read it where”

I said Reddit.

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson today, as a parent.

Pretending that you don’t know your kids in public, is much easier than trying to discipline them.

How much did you learn in school today?

Not enough, they want me to go back tomorrow.

I have a 444 day streak on Duolingo. Here’s what I learned:

French.

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

When I first learned how to count, I found it very strange at the beginning.

It was odd at first, even then.

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Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.

The neighbor says, "be ...

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!

Priests do it all the time

How do judges learn who's guilty and who's not?

By trial and error.

I thought about learning how to shoot a longbow

but there were just too many drawbacks

Where did the hippopotamus go to learn?

The Hippo Campus.

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The kids learn to cuss . . .

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss".  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say...

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Santa wants to learn the subject Logic

he goes to his friend Banta, and says, this 'Logic' is really difficult for me to understand. Could you please help teach it to me.

Banta: well its really simple. let me give you an example. Do you have an aquarium in your house?

Santa: Yes

Banta: logically there must be fishes ...

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I had a cockroach that learned to meme. But, he died.

It tried Raid at Area 51

Do you want to learn how to dance in a few seconds for free?

Step 1: Remove your shoes

Step 2: Go on the street

Note : Higher chances of success if you live in Europe

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

People always tell me to learn from mistakes...

Why would I ever want to listen to my children?

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet?

because they can spend years at C!

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me while I tried to learn the meaning of "many"

It means "a lot"

Husband: I think we should learn Punjabi.

Wife: Why?
.
.

Husband: We have adopted a Punjabi child. When he grows up and learns to talk, we won't understand what he's saying.

Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

Liam Gallagher, lead singer of Oasis, decides to learn the politics of his home country. So he goes up to Noel and asks-

"What's a Tory, (Morning Glory), weeeelllll??"

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

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Today I learned there are somethings you shouldn’t slap the shit out of.

One of them being, a colostomy bag.

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

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Little Johnny is learning the alphabet...

And you guys all know little Johnny, right? The kid is *no good.* He uses any excuse to disrupt class and say something rude. And his teacher is going through the alphabet and asking for examples of the letters.


"Who can tell me a word that starts with 'a'?"

Johnny's hand shoots up...

Same old cow

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......s...

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

I'm having trouble learning new languages. Every time I try to pronounce "Blyat"...

The Russians look at me funny.

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When I make mistakes my parents would always asked me, why do we make mistakes? To learn from them

Well the other day, I got drunk, really drunk, and for some reason I made sure everyone in town knew about it. I drove around exclamating curse words and screaming at people from things as simple as walking their dogs. Eventually I even tried to go back to the bar but I was so drunk they didn't let ...

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In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

I've recently learned that I have a severe case of kleptomania.

During my episodes, I have to take something for it.

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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TIL:Today I learned that prostitutes in the old west charged as little as $1.00 for their services

You really got a bang for your buck!

Would you like to learn how to stop your period

Allow me to de-menstruate

What do you call an amputee learning karate?

Partial arts

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

How long would it take Keanu Reeves to learn Spanish?

Juan Wick

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

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One thing i learned about sex these past 24 years..

Is that i don't have any.

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[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a str...

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

Kid v. Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

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Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

Today I learned what Chromecast is...

... and the rest of the family found out what Interracial Bootyhole Stretchers Vol. 3 is.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Trump wants to ban Muslims, but if we learned ANYTHING from prohibition...

 

 

...it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

A man decided that he wanted to learn how to scuba dive.

He spent weeks getting certified, and hundreds of dollars on all of the top of the line equipment he could get - fins, a wetsuit, a mask, and even a waterproof notebook with a pen that could write underwater.

When he finally got down underwater for the first time, he was surprised to see a m...

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

In medical school, you really do learn something new every day...

...for instance, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as "seedless".

In English class I learned the word for when you take someone literally.

“Kidnapping”

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

The first sentence you should learn when learning a foreign language...

my friend is paying.

Why did God create war?

So that Americans could learn geography.

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

My friend asked me to learn Filipino with him

but I didnt want to tag alog.

I learned from my parents mistakes.

You could say I'm self taught.

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

After years in Veterinary medicine, I decided to learn Taxidermy also.

Now my sign reads: “Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,you get your dog back!"

People who assume everything will never learn new things

Atleast, i'm assuming

Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??

Well, I for one..

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

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