Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.

The neighbor says, "be ...

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me while I tried to learn the meaning of "many"

It means "a lot"

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

Liam Gallagher, lead singer of Oasis, decides to learn the politics of his home country. So he goes up to Noel and asks-

"What's a Tory, (Morning Glory), weeeelllll??"

Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet?

because they can spend years at C!

Husband: I think we should learn Punjabi.

Wife: Why?
.
.

Husband: We have adopted a Punjabi child. When he grows up and learns to talk, we won't understand what he's saying.

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The kids learn to cuss . . .

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss".  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say...

People always tell me to learn from mistakes...

Why would I ever want to listen to my children?

Would you like to learn how to stop your period

Allow me to de-menstruate

How long would it take Keanu Reeves to learn Spanish?

Juan Wick

In medical school, you really do learn something new every day...

...for instance, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as "seedless".

A man decided that he wanted to learn how to scuba dive.

He spent weeks getting certified, and hundreds of dollars on all of the top of the line equipment he could get - fins, a wetsuit, a mask, and even a waterproof notebook with a pen that could write underwater.

When he finally got down underwater for the first time, he was surprised to see a m...

The first sentence you should learn when learning a foreign language...

my friend is paying.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

People who assume everything will never learn new things

Atleast, i'm assuming

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

You'll learn two things as you get older: never trust a woman

and never trust a fart

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

After years in Veterinary medicine, I decided to learn Taxidermy also.

Now my sign reads: “Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,you get your dog back!"

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

Hey want to finally learn what the G spot is?

It's where all the gamers hang out. You didn't get invited.

In Star Wars Episode I, we learn (spoilers)

That Anakin Skywalker has no father, the midichlorians caused his birth.



I guess his mom was forced into it.

Tinder can learn a lot from Uber...

It's much easier to find a ride on Uber

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

I've been trying to learn Spanish to impress my Latino friends

They call me a Duogringo

Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??

Well, I for one..

The only way to learn...

When I was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool. Swimming to the ladder was easy, but getting out of the sack was the hard part.

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

I went to work today, and was shocked to learn that my company was taken over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

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A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

It didn’t take long for my son to learn about lizards.

He understood from the ge-cko

Women bait me into feeling ugly so they can learn how much money I make.

Turns out, I’m ugly and poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Helen Keller learn how to masturbate?

By reading lips.

I always learn from the mistake of others

Who take my advice.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

"What did you learn in the class about not listening?"

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention, but I got an A+."

If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen,

does that make him an oxymoron?

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics.

And then I looked at her head.

mother to son : what did you learn in school today ?

mother to son : what did you learn in school today ?

son : not enough !! they want me to go back tomorrow !

Learn to speak Chinese

1) That’s not right ………………….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…………. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ………… Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table …….. Ai Bang Mai ...

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Tarzan learns about sex

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his...

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

Why is it hard for blind people to learn spanish?

Because they can't sí.

My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia

Egg beats you

I was struggling trying to learn to play the song “Take On Me.” Then all of a sudden it clicked and I got it

It was a real Ah-Ha moment

What's the first thing an elf learns in school?

The elf-abet...

Where do hippos go to learn?

The hippocampus.

Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it

But those who fail to delete their history are doomed to explain it.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Best way to learn about your problems is

Identify 1 mistake in your wife and ask her to correct it.
In response she will help you identify ALL of your problems, your parents problems, all of your relatives and your friends problems.

Braile isn't that hard to learn.

You just have to get a feel for it.

If there's one thing we can learn from Mac Miller...

It's how to get out of attending your ex's wedding

Moose hunters never learn . . .

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6.  As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last ...

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it ag...

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

What do you learn in both Math and Social Studies class?

Inequalities

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

"Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest"

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert"

"Well sir, that's what they call it now"

My mother learns a lot from me...

You know how the saying goes. You learn from your mistakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck learns more than he bargained for

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good ...

Did you hear what the Australian man said to his doctor when he learn he was saying "perscription" rather than "prescription" after all these years?

he said: ya gotta be more pacific mate!

As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.

I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

Learn how to avoid clickbait!!!

Don’t do what you just did!

It’s a great feeling when your phone learns that you swear ...

and eventually quits ducking up your words.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!

Where is the best place for a large animal to learn things?

A hippocampus

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

I didnt learn anything in college...

I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.

(Stolen from BJ Novak)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 10, I told my dad I wanted to learn ballet. He said no, because "ballet is for sissies".

When I was 12, I told my dad I wanted to learn cooking. He said no, because "cooking is for sissies".

When I was 14, I told my dad I wanted to learn knitting. He said no, because "knitting is for sissies".

When I was 18, I told my dad I wanted to go to fashon college. He said no, becau...

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