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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

When a BMW owner learns to drive...

What kind of car do they switch to?

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

I was surprised to learn that stepping on a crack really breaks your mama's back and stepping on a line really breaks your father spine

Unfortunately for me, my sister just stepped on a rock

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

What did the germans learn during WW2?

War isn’t just Danzig with flowers.

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I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I just can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

What's it called when a cowboy has a learning disability?

Yeehawtism

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

You would think that I would eventually learn

That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a hell of a lot ...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

In school, you learn about spies

In soviet Russia, spies learn about you!

What do you call a recently hired conductor who’s still learning the job skills?

A trainee

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Why is learning linux stupid?

All of the lessons are full of sudo science

If there's anything we learned from this vaccine, it's that Eminem was wrong:

you do get more than one shot.

Today I learned that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were the most open-minded presidents in history.

I was quite shocked by this, and it blew my mind.

Today I learned why Alzheimer's patients love r/jokes

Because there are no reposts


Ps I'm so sorry.

I learned how to meditate from my school teacher. She would say to me...

..."SHUT UP, STAY STILL AND JUST BE QUIET!!!

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

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I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands...

...no canaries there either.

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.

Something about five customers being better than one.

In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism.

It's my Hannibal Lecture.

Wanna know how to learn englis? (probrobly made before, if so then i havent seen it)

Spill oil on the ground and then wait for the us army, they will teach you.

Well, if there's one thing I've learned from my daughter's first swimming lessons,

She's definitely not a witch.

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As male porn stars age they learn one thing...

You’re either working hard, or you’re hardly working.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

I've been trying to learn to play solitaire, but I can't finish a single game!

You'd think it would be easier, since my deck is already missing six cards.

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...

...and pays for 5 lessons.

After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"

"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.

After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"

"I learned the fir...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary...

I learned next to nothing.

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I wanted to learn so I bought the Kamasutra and...

Man, there's a lot of fucking information in here.

We learned about oxymorons.

It was very fun, there were many examples.


freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

Where do dads learn how to tell their jokes?

In the delivery room.

This is America,why don't you learn to speak English!!

Karen yelled at a group of Scots.

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Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."

Twat

I've been learning to use a new web browser lately, but my teacher is being really harsh to me.

He's my Tor-mentor.

How does a computer learn karate?

With a punch card

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Interviewer: Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it here.

Me: But I never went to college.

Interviewer: I'm sorry, then you're underqualified to work here.

A few days ago, I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Since then, I have started seeing it everywhere.

A boy enters a barber shop.

The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did...

Why did the straw learn karate?

There were too many tired people hitting the hay

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The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

I just learned female pandas only mate between one and three days per year...

I just learned female pandas only mate between one and three days per year...

...I never knew I was married to a Panda

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources.

Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. Itread, "Jonathan Peters worked for our compan...

Today I learned...

It’s not polite to greet a blind person with long time no see

what do you call a paraplegic child that just learned tae kwon do

partial arts

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

What did the dog say to console his owner upon learning that his wife left him?

"Sorry buddy, that's

...RUFF!"

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

Today I Learned



Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

It it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

Where does a squire learn everything he knows?

*Night school.*

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A Rather Distasteful Joke

New students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important quali...

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

So I learned some interesting things today

I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete o...

Learning to read Braille with my index finger hasn't been easy so far

In fact, it's been a pretty bumpy ride

I want to learn more about suicide..

But I’m having trouble finding a jumping off point.

I didn't think my pet bat would ever learn echolocation...

But it eventually clicked.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to drive a stick.

We couldn't afford a car.

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

Today I learned about the links between high intelligence and depression

I just wish it made me feel better....

Where do crustaceans go to learn about science and history?

To the Shrimpsonian Museum

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

I’m thinking about learning how to make mirrors

It’s something I could really see myself doing

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

Complicated Concept!

A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does ph...

Well, at least we learned one thing about Trump from his speech this morning...

He can, in fact, read.

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

Today I learned about a new vocation to which I can aspire: Second Gentleman.

Only problem is, I've been told I don't qualify.

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

We were learning trigonometry in math

I asked the teacher for help

He told me, "You must be soh cahnfused right now."

My friend next to me told him, "That was a toapnotch joke, sir."

Something that I learned from reddit...!

Post anything on this day.

What do you call a magician before he learn magic?

Ian

I learned not to be mad at lazy people.

Because they didn't do anything.

Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday.

Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.

Her: "What's that!"

Me: "I can explain...it's not what it looks like!"

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

I've been learning keyboard shortcuts

I have decided to start learning and using keyboard shortcuts, they are really convenient and can actually save you quite a bit of time.

For example:

The Windows key + D will minimize everything and go to your desktop

Alt Tab will switch between applications

Alt Right wi...

Do you guys know about the tree that was cut down for learning to speak?

She dialog.

If there’s one very thing that I’ve learned during this unprecedented week of events in America...

It’s that I have the same coffee mug as Nancy Pelosi.

I used to have two girlfriends, but then I learned

I can't have Kate and Edith too

Where do Avatars learn to bend?

At elementary school!

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A man asks his hunter friend to take him on a trip

It's a rather cold and windy day so the man asks his friend: "How do you bear this freezing cold?"
His friend replies: "I just take one of these." and hands him a flask of whiskey.The wind gets stronger and still nothing to shoot in sight, so they help themselves out to a couple of more shots. ...

I wanted to learn how to say impossible in French

Turns out it's impossible.

I was learning about the gastrointestinal system...

It was a lot to digest.

My parents asked my why i was suddenly learning a foreign language?

I told them, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition "

A pirate captain says to his 3 crewmates, "Let's learn Roman numerals!"

The first one says, "Aye."

The second one adds, "Aye aye."

The third one finishes, "Aye aye aye."

Turns out, I’m allergic to latex

… I learned that one the hard way

If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy

He's just a fancy stick figure

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How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English?

Dairy practice.

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I learned what compromise is in a relationship.

When she asks for a 10" dick, I offer to meet her halfway.

They say you “live and learn”...

...have you seen the people at a Walmart lately? Only thing they’ve learned is multiple wrong ways to wear the mask

What was the name of the movie about a baby goat that learns karate?

The Karate Kid

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

I've been learning lockpicking for a year now.

And Honestly it has opened a lot of doors for me.

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Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

Why don't impatient people like learning about longitude and latitude?

Because they hate long lines!

Husband: You should learn to embrace your mistakes.

\*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\*

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15 minutes late...

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

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