A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed out...

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

It it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it.

I want to learn more about suicide..

But I’m having trouble finding a jumping off point.

Forget everything you learned in college...

’Forget everything you learned in college. You will not need it working here.’

’But I never went to college.’

’Well then, I am sorry. You are underqualified to work here.’

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

Something that I learned from reddit...!

Post anything on this day.

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

A man learns that he has a Terminal Illness, and decides to go back to school to pursue his lifelong dream of being a Comedian, and joins a Comedy School.

He earned his Degree Post Humorously.

Do you guys know about the tree that was cut down for learning to speak?

She dialog.

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In the car, a mother is trying to advise her son after practice: "Billy, if you want to be a running back, you've got to learn how to hold a ball!"

Billy: "I can't! Coach buys these footballs that are shiny and too slippery."

Mother: "You can't blame the coach. You need to take responsibility."

Billy: "Oh yeah? You try to hold one of those things. Pretty easy to be a backseat coach on the field."

Mother: "Bi...

I bet the first thing you learn as a radio salesman is

stereotypes.

Bass guitar is so easy to learn...

...Even bass* players can do it.




*For bass players the joke is you’re dumb.

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

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I learned what compromise is in a relationship.

When she asks for a 10" dick, I offer to meet her halfway.

When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to drive a stick.

We couldn't afford a car.

Where do Avatars learn to bend?

At elementary school!

We were learning trigonometry in math

I asked the teacher for help

He told me, "You must be soh cahnfused right now."

My friend next to me told him, "That was a toapnotch joke, sir."

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

I learn from the mistakes of others

who have taken my advice.

I recently learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.

Now everyone's talking about it.

Did Marie Antoinette learn from her punishment?

Nope.

She'd still do anything to get Ahead.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

A pirate captain says to his 3 crewmates, "Let's learn Roman numerals!"

The first one says, "Aye."

The second one adds, "Aye aye."

The third one finishes, "Aye aye aye."

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

What was the name of the movie about a baby goat that learns karate?

The Karate Kid

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals.

I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

What do I do when I learn that the ice cream man is a serial killer?

Ice-scream

They say you “live and learn”...

...have you seen the people at a Walmart lately? Only thing they’ve learned is multiple wrong ways to wear the mask

Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they...

don't mean their asthma pump.

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A joke I learned as a car salesman

What do you call nuts on your wall?

Walnuts!

What do you call nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts!

What do you call nuts on your chin?

My dick in your mouth!

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

What do you call a magician before he learn magic?

Ian

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

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My 4 year old nephew is learning about manners and also learning Spanish. He said “Can you por favor me some juice?”

He followed up with: “I don’t have to say PLEASE because I already DID.” Smart ass.

I just learned sign language

I've found it quite handy.

I've recently started to learn about the history of chess boards

Seems they have quite the checkered past.

I just learned today is International Joke Day.

But do we really need a whole day dedicated to Trump?

Now that we’ve learned all this year’s terrible lessons...

... I can’t wait until 2020 is hindsight.

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

How does a computer learn something new ?

Bit by bit

I never knew my grandfather but I just learned he had a purple heart.

It's terrible what alcoholism does to your organs.

If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy

He's just a fancy stick figure

One day I’ll learn how to be patient

And that day can’t come soon enough

I'm so glad I learned to lockpick.

It's opened so many doors for me.

We were learning about ions today

I feel pretty positive about it

I learned a lot from my divorce.

Do you know they won't sell you a gun if you're crying?

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A father learns his daughter's virginity has been taken

He is infuriated. He races down to her boyfriends' house and pounds on the door demanding an explanation.

He opens the door and says "Don't worry. It won't happen again."

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

The hardest part about learning the alphabet is the first four letters;

The rest is just E-Z.

Parents should be cautious about having there kids do virtual learning...

The internet has a lot of PDF files.

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A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

Husband: You should learn to embrace your mistakes.

\*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\*

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve learned that there are four types of matter. Solid, liquid, gas, and...

Black lives

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

How did the man learn how to fart loudly?

He watched a toot-torial

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

There’s only 1 rule in learning English

1.) Their our know rules

Today I learned...

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman.

More people need to learn about the ways of the Simp

That is why I am hosting the very first worldwide simposium

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How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English?

Dairy practice.

Trump was rushed to the hospital after learning that 3 Brazilians died from the Coronavirus

Lying in the hospital bed his face still white with shock, he finally got the courage to ask shakily and in a quiet voice, “How many people is a brazillion?"

Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?

They got stuck at C.

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

Today I learned that diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

I learned the hard way why you don't stay too late at the duck bar.

You'll end up getting bread from a quack addict.

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

Remember, men, when your wife declares her intention to learn how to drive,

Don't stand in her way.

You need to learn spreadsheets...

if you want to Excel in life.

Its funny Dr. Seuss ended up writing kid's stories because his older sister learned massage.

Ms. Seuss

Front page: “I’m making desks for the children in my area doing long distance learning”

r/pics: “I’m also making desks for children in my area doing long distance learning”

r/nosleep: “I’m also making desks out of children in my area doing long distance learning”

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

Where do you go to learn how to be a conductor?

A training program

We were learning about energy in 3rd grade...

I raised my hand curiously and the teacher called on me and I asked “What energy do lights use?” She looked at me hesitantly, as if I asked about a forbidden knowledge, questioning what she should respond with and said “I would tell you but the answer is very shocking.” Frustrated with the answer, ...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ?

The phrase "I surrender" in german

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

Got a phone call waking me up in the middle of my remote learning class today.

My students are such nerds.

How i learned to mind my own business

One day I was walking on the sidewalk next to a mental hospital and heard 13...13...13...
So I decided to peek through a hole in the wall and immediately got poked In the eye and heard 14...14...14...

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon.

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

Why Is C++ Such A Rough Language To Learn?

Because it has a bunch of std's...

A mother says to her young son, "It's high time you learned the difference between a man and a woman."

"Take off my shirt," she says. So he takes off her shirt.

"Take off my pants," she says. So he takes off her pants.

"Take off my bra," she says. So he takes off her bra.

"Take off my panties," she says. So he takes off her panties.

Then the mother says to her son, "I don'...

Having a son the last eight years has been a learning experience, and has taught me all about responsibility.

"I'm really proud of myself," I told my girlfriend.

"You shouldn't be," she replied. "He's 24."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

How did possums learn to play dead?

When scientists learned that possums can survive up to 80 rattlesnake bites

If you learn all of the european languages, you know which one you have to learn last?

Finnish

i was so bored i learned 6 pages of the dictionary.

i learned next to nothing.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset.

To learn that All Votes Matter.

Voltaire said “To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.”

It’s time we rise up against those kids with leukemia

I learned to swim when I was very young when my dad threw me into the river

I thought i’d never get out of the bag

Huge shoutout to everyone who helped me learn the definition of ‘many’.

It means a lot!

I was shocked to learn what BBC stands for.

It was just a lot to take in.

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

The class was learning about subtraction and the teacher calls on little Johnnie to solve a problem.

“Johnnie, suppose there are five birds sitting on a fence together and you throw a rock at one of them. How many are left?”

Johnnie ponders the question for a moment and finally replies enthusiastically: “Zero!”

The teacher frowns. “How did you arrive at that answer?” She asks.
...

Did you hear about the blonde who didn’t learn to water ski?

She couldn’t find a lake with a slope

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My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

We learn from our mistakes –

and never lack for study material.

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I've just learned the medical name for viagra

Mycoxaflopin

A teacher was trying to find out where each of the kids thought they were at in their learning.

The teacher was standing at the front of the class and said “stand up if you think you are stupid.” There was a long gap and then Johnny stood up. The teacher the. asked “why do you feel stupid Johnny?” Johnny then replied “ I don’t I just felt bad that you were the only one standing up.”

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

First dirty joke I ever learned...from my mother

Little Red Riding Hood: Mr. Big Bad Wolf, are you going to eat me whole?

Mr. Big Bad: No, when I come to that part, I am going to spit it out.

My Middle Eastern dad has learned English from watching infomercials.

So when I would get in trouble as a kid and get punished, he would finish by saying "But wait, there's more!"

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A wealthy man comes home and says to his wife...

"I lost my fortune in the stock market crash. We have to change our lifestyle. For instance, if you learn how to cook, we can fire the chef."

"All right" she says. "If you learn how to fuck, we can fire the gardener too."

I just learned that ants never get sick.

I suppose it’s because they have little anty-bodies.

I was slightly surprised to learn that dogs' tongues are smooth

I thought they'd be ruff

If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.

Their, I finally said it.

The class is learning about the holocaust, when the teacher asks if anyone's grandparents died in the deathcamps. Little Billy puts his hand up.

"Oh... Class, let us hold a minute of silence for him. If it is not too indiscreet, how did he die?"

"Fell off a watchtower."

I found geometry tough to learn

It was an all around problem for me.

TIL Helen Keller has a waterfall named after her, to celebrate her story of learning about water.

It's named Helen Keller Falls

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