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A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality...

The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.


After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep...

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

Where do you learn how to make ice cream?

Sunday school.

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

Tinder can learn a lot from Uber...

It's much easier to find a ride on Uber

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they are stuck at sea.

It didn’t take long for my son to learn about lizards.

He understood from the ge-cko

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

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A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

In Star Wars Episode I, we learn (spoilers)

That Anakin Skywalker has no father, the midichlorians caused his birth.

​

I guess his mom was forced into it.

The only way to learn...

When I was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool. Swimming to the ladder was easy, but getting out of the sack was the hard part.

Women bait me into feeling ugly so they can learn how much money I make.

Turns out, I’m ugly and poor.

I always learn from the mistake of others

Who take my advice.

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How did Helen Keller learn how to masturbate?

By reading lips.

Why did the sailor find it hard to learn the alphabet?

Because he spent years at C.

Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

I went to work today, and was shocked to learn that my company was taken over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

"What did you learn in the class about not listening?"

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention, but I got an A+."

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A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??

Well, I for one..

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia

Egg beats you

If a chemistry student is too stupid to learn about Oxygen,

does that make him an oxymoron?

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

Learn to speak Chinese

1) That’s not right ………………….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…………. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ………… Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table …….. Ai Bang Mai ...

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics.

And then I looked at her head.

mother to son : what did you learn in school today ?

mother to son : what did you learn in school today ?

son : not enough !! they want me to go back tomorrow !

I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

I was struggling trying to learn to play the song “Take On Me.” Then all of a sudden it clicked and I got it

It was a real Ah-Ha moment

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

What's the first thing an elf learns in school?

The elf-abet...

My friend told me that I should learn more languages

I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it

But those who fail to delete their history are doomed to explain it.

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tarzan learns about sex

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his...

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it

Moose hunters never learn . . .

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6.  As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last ...

Where do hippos go to learn?

The hippocampus.

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it ag...

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

Best way to learn about your problems is

Identify 1 mistake in your wife and ask her to correct it.
In response she will help you identify ALL of your problems, your parents problems, all of your relatives and your friends problems.

If there's one thing we can learn from Mac Miller...

It's how to get out of attending your ex's wedding

What do you learn in both Math and Social Studies class?

Inequalities

Why did the worm learn judo?

So he could flip the bird





Thanks dad

I was disappointed when I discovered that I can’t learn Egyptian hieroglyphics on the Rosetta Stone...

...I’ve tried to contact customer support for three weeks, and they think I’m pranking them.

My mother learns a lot from me...

You know how the saying goes. You learn from your mistakes.

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

"Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest"

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert"

"Well sir, that's what they call it now"

Braile isn't that hard to learn.

You just have to get a feel for it.

Did you hear what the Australian man said to his doctor when he learn he was saying "perscription" rather than "prescription" after all these years?

he said: ya gotta be more pacific mate!

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

It’s a great feeling when your phone learns that you swear ...

and eventually quits ducking up your words.

As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.

I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

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Redneck learns more than he bargained for

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good ...

I didnt learn anything in college...

I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.

(Stolen from BJ Novak)

How did the salamander learn so much?

He would always axolotl questions

Learn how to avoid clickbait!!!

Don’t do what you just did!

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When I was 10, I told my dad I wanted to learn ballet. He said no, because "ballet is for sissies".

When I was 12, I told my dad I wanted to learn cooking. He said no, because "cooking is for sissies".

When I was 14, I told my dad I wanted to learn knitting. He said no, because "knitting is for sissies".

When I was 18, I told my dad I wanted to go to fashon college. He said no, becau...

Where is the best place for a large animal to learn things?

A hippocampus

Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

Teacher: "What's the most important thing to learn in a chemistry lesson?"

Student:

**"Don't lick the spoon."**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple wanted to learn how to play golf.

They had rented a coach that should help them learn the basics of golf.

"Ok, how about you try to hit the ball as far as you can Mr. Johnson.

Ok, Let's try!" The husband hits the ball about 2 yards away.

"Um... Good...Job... Now, how about you try the same thing, Mrs. Johnson!" ...

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man learns about the birds and the bees on his wedding day.

A young man is fumbling with his tie the morning of his wedding when his grandfather enters the room.

“You seem nervous. Are you getting cold feet?” his grandfather asks.

“Grandpa, I’m not nervous about the wedding. I’m nervous about the wedding night. I was never able to have the talk...

How did the mayor of Chicago learn to cook noodles?

With the Ramen Manual

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When did the Japanese learn to eat egg?

A long tamago.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."

​

The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:

​

"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do n...

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Time to learn

Farmer John says to his wife "Ethel, Cletus is 18 now, i think its about time we teach him about fuckin."

Ethel agrees so Farmer John goes to his son and says "Cletus, you're 18 now, it's time you learned about fuckin."

"What's fuckin?" Says Cletus.

"You mean you're 18 and yo...

A catholic man dies and goes to Heaven, there he learns that "lie clocks" exist for all humans...

A man is greeted by St. Peter, he quickly notices there are many objects that look like clocks attached to the walls.

St. Peter explains that every time a person tells a lie, the hand on their clocks spins just a little faster.

As he walks through the hallway, he sees mother Teresa's c...

They say you should learn from mistakes

So then why did my parents have another kid after me?

Why do chemistry students learn about ammonia first?

It's pretty basic stuff

Timmy Learns to Count

A preschool teacher asked her students in class, "who can count from one to ten?"

Little 3-year old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, "I can!" and started counting "one, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!"

The teacher is impressed, "Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?"...

Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe

..when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in Fr...

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I didn't learn much from Mario Party 64, but I did learn that...

the button mashing and joy stick rotation techniques don't necessarily translate well to the bedroom.

When you learn more, it's called a lesson

When you learn less, you're called a moron.

A British couple wanted to learn how to speak German

They went to a tutor. Tutor asked them why they wanted to learn German. They replied, "We have adopted a German baby. We want to learn German before it starts to speak".

I was surprised to learn what Princess Diana died from.

It was car-pole-tunnel syndrome.

Liposuction surgeons hate her! Learn how this woman lost 250 pounds in just one day with ONE easy trick!

She became widowed

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

I didn’t learn a thing in university

I elected to get a major in psychology and minor in reverse-psychology.