UPJOKE
takeadmithavereceiveacknowledgerespondadopttake onagreerecognizeassumereactbearallowtake over

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

What do you call a large bug that's very accepting of people no matter what?

Tolerant

Does the Vatican accept Venmo?

No, they only take Papal

Never accept a ride from a stranger

unless he/she gives you candy.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Me: “I don’t want to ever see you anymore! I won’t let you hurt me like this again! Abuse is never acceptable!”

Trainer: “”It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.”

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

Although the World is more accepting, I refuse to accept some races.

Marathons are awful.

I refuse to accept non-binary

Quantum computers are expressly forbidden in this house.

(Everyone I know cringed, so I figured yall may like it.)

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

Jokes about deaf people are NEVER acceptable.

Imagine how they’d feel if they heard those jokes about them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

You want me to accept that I'm trash?

I refuse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?

She was the queen of denial

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

Hey everyone! I just got accepted to the theroretics branch of my company.

I think?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

English to become the official European language.

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

I was just on a diabetes information website...

It asked if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

Thailand and China could not agree on trade relations,

China would not accept the official Thai Baht currency, but Thailand saw that China would readily accept South Korean Won with no problems.

Thailand decided they would try to get around the issue by purchasing a large amount of Korean *Won* to use for international trading,

But China s...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him, so he hires a hitman...

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What type of currency will Superman never accept?

Krypto-currency

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

"Fat acceptance"

The only movement without movement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

3 men die and head to the gates of heaven

One is a mathematician. One is a philosopher. One is a lawyer. St. Peter is there to determine if he will let them in. He tells all three men he is going to ask them a question and that if they get it correct they will enter heaven.

He pulls the mathematician into a room and asks him: “What ...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Struggles of passwords

Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at ...

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

Why weren’t the ghost parents accepted in the new housing complex?

Because they were Trans-parent

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

Where do Santa's elves make the just acceptable toys?

In the satisfactory.

I went to a website about causes of obesity.

A window popped up that said ‘accept all cookies’. It all made sense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a brothel one day...

He walks in and asks the madame "How much for 30 minutes with a woman?" The madame replies "$200." The man says "I don't have that kind of money, what can I do with $20?" The madame replies "You can do in that room and fuck a chicken."

The man is disgusted and leaves. Fuck a chicken? What...

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

Three philosophers walk into bar.

Three philosophers walk into a bar: a nihilist, a fatalist, and an absurdist. They all are served an empty shotglass, which they dutifully and gladly accept.


The first two stay sober but the absurdist still gets hammered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie but a goodie! (Long) (nsfw)

3 men are traveling in a distant country when they're captured by a native tribe. The chief explains to the men that, because they were caught on the tribes land, they are to be sentenced quite harshly. They have a choice of one of two punishments. Death, or Unga Bunga!

The first man, a rathe...

"Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, doesn't the old saying state 'you are what you eat'?"

"If we accept that as true, then my client is an innocent man."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A merchant gets taken advantage of by two soldiers. (Long)

A merchant is on a journey to a neighboring kingdom to sell his wares. The king is known for wearing exquisite robes, so he has prepared his finest silk. He soon arrives at the city outskirts, but is stopped by the town guard.

“Halt! What business do you have, traveler?”

“I am here to ...

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

A blonde and her friend were watching the news

A blonde and her friend were watching the news when all of a sudden a breaking news about a man threatening to jump off a building pops up.

"Hey I'll bet you 20 bucks that he will jump" said the blonde's friend.

"You're on!" said the blonde, "the easiest 20 bucks i'll ever make!" ...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.

His mother didn’t want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him s...

The Emperor's new bank account

A well dressed man walks into a bank of a famously known gambler.

The man asks the gambler, would you be interested in a different type of wager?

If you guess the range of all my assets within 1 billion dollars, I will give you a billion, but you have to give me 1 dollar for every do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's this guy that moved into an African village...

He finds the locals aren’t accepting him because he hasn’t passed the initiation ceremony.

To be accepted, he has to drink three jugs of the local booze, have sex with the first woman he finds and then kill a lion with his bare hands.

He drinks the three jugs, gets obliterated and stu...

"I accept your sacrifice."

Good news, if your name is Cain.

Bad news, if your name is Abraham.

Tremendous news, if your name is Mikhail Tal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

I recently came into a large sum of money.

The bank, however, refused to accept it!


Said I'd have to wash it off first.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

I applied to the local rock quarry...

Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.

The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations.

All proceeds go towards good grief counsellors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me fo...

Why did I accept a job at a bakery?

I kneaded the dough.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

In Italy, it's traditiom to accept apologies after a dinner.

That happens because it's all in the pasta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy r...

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

Why was the robot cancelled?

Because it didn't accept non-binary arguments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

i got an award for being humble.

I obviously didnt accept it.

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Ork King.

Before heading out to fight the Ork King, they head to town to hire a mercenary.
The first one is a swordsman, who asks for 1000 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 2000 gold for her services.
The last one is a Spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experienc...

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim decided to propose to his girlfriend, sandy.

Prior to the acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got accepted to make a porno.

I play the role of the husband going off to work whilst my wife waits for the plumber to come and fix the washing machine.

How cool is that!

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

Why can't the Vatican accept Visa or Mastercard?

Because it's a Paypal state

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy joins a monastery

A guy goes to join a monastery while he's waiting for the monastery to accept him and his vowels of silence he's allowed to ask things about what they do at the monastery.

They guy feeling a little on the horny side one day pulls a monk to the side and asks him quietly what to do when he's g...

Don’t accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It could be SPAM.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is homosexuality still not accepted?

Because too many people are fucking assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

World's Unluckiest Man

This man was so unlucky he was born with only a single ball. Where ever he goes doom is with him. He decided to live in another country and books a plane ticket for USA. Mid flight a turbulence started to occur and the Captain starts to announce that the plane is about the crash and there are only 9...

The Tech Text Times We Live In

DEAR NEIGHBOUR Hi, Morris . This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell youface-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it athome rec...

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?

Ass skin for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

When is it acceptable for a parent to beat their child?

When they are a chicken.

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam and Eve in the garden..

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflec...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

What is the difference between a cheating wife and a joke?

Will Smith cannot accept a joke.

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.