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Accept Jokes

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate

is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

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My friend started a tattoo parlor that only accepts payment in the form of flashing.

They named it tit for tat.

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A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy r...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry.

What did the Urologist say to the student who just got accepted in Urology School?

"Urine"

When does it become socially acceptable for adults to build little hideouts out of pillows again?

When they’re in their forties

A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Ork King.

Before heading out to fight the Ork King, they head to town to hire a mercenary.
The first one is a swordsman, who asks for 1000 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 2000 gold for her services.
The last one is a Spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experienc...

Although the World is more accepting, I refuse to accept some races.

Marathons are awful.

Does the Vatican accept Venmo?

No, they only take Papal

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant a...

You want me to accept that I'm trash?

I refuse.

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

I refuse to accept non-binary

Quantum computers are expressly forbidden in this house.

(Everyone I know cringed, so I figured yall may like it.)

"Fat acceptance"

The only movement without movement

Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?

She was the queen of denial

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

Never accept a ride from a stranger

unless he/she gives you candy.

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

One night stand is only acceptable thru college

After that you should get a matching pair for the other side of the bed

What type of currency will Superman never accept?

Krypto-currency

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

"I accept your sacrifice."

Good news, if your name is Cain.

Bad news, if your name is Abraham.

Tremendous news, if your name is Mikhail Tal.

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

Jokes about deaf people are NEVER acceptable.

Imagine how they’d feel if they heard those jokes about them?

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I think it’s totally acceptable to tell jokes about eating ass.

As long as they’re tongue-in-cheek.

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."

Why can't the Vatican accept Visa or Mastercard?

Because it's a Paypal state

someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

Why did I accept a job at a bakery?

I kneaded the dough.

I got an wedding invite that said, “We are not accepting any gifts. Your presence on our special day is a gift in itself.”

Reading it, I realized that I wasn’t invited.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations.

All proceeds go towards good grief counsellors.

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

What do you call a large bug that's very accepting of people no matter what?

Tolerant

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

In Italy, it's traditiom to accept apologies after a dinner.

That happens because it's all in the pasta.

How does a deaf person accept a package?

They sign for it

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

Where do Santa's elves make the just acceptable toys?

In the satisfactory.

Don’t accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It could be SPAM.

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Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?

Ass skin for a friend.

Never accept anything from a will

It’s a dead giveaway.

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

Adam and Eve blundered when they hit "Accept and Continue."

They forgot to read the apple terms of service.

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I just got accepted to make a porno.

I play the role of the husband going off to work whilst my wife waits for the plumber to come and fix the washing machine.

How cool is that!

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Is this an acceptable excuse?

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
     1) A certifiable medical excuse.
     2) A death in the student's immediate family.


The...

A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar

she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.

"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."

So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"

"Really? What did you ...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

When is a fart joke acceptable?

When it doesn't stink!

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

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I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult.

Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.

Why weren’t the ghost parents accepted in the new housing complex?

Because they were Trans-parent

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

I saw an Egyptian not accepting his responsibilities

He was in de-Nile to say the least

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

A janitor gets accepted into Nascar

His car goes "Broom, Broom"

Why did Akbar didn't get accepted into Hogwarts?

Because he is a "Mughal"

I knew a rabbi who wouldn’t accept payment for circumcisions,

He only took tips

Me: Hello do you accept walk-ins?

Morgue: What.

Why do art schools in Austria and Germany have such high acceptance rates?

They still remember what happened the last time they turned someone down.

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Never accept fellatio from a leper.

When they say they're going to give you head, they mean it literally.

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Another man accepts a job in a village with no women...

He asked his foreman "what do you do without any women here?"

The foreman replies "there's a barrel with a knothole in the side. Stick your dick in it and you'll be able to get off".

The new recruit is surprised but eventually gets horny enough to give it a try. He is amazed: it feels ...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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My dyslexic friend won't accept that he is gay.

He's still in Daniel.

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

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I don’t accept nudes, I tell the girls to cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.

After some tim...

Do not accept a friend request from Lizzie Borden.

You will get hacked.

Why did the fish accept its death after losing its respiratory organs?

Because it lost the gill to live.

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

I got my letter of acceptance to urology school today.

It read:

'Well done. Ur-ine'

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

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Why didn't Hitler get accepted to art school?

Because he didn't like to mix colours

Two groups of rabbis were having an argument at a synagogue...

Rabbi Isaac said: "Fourteen other rabbis here agree with me, Rabbi Herschel, please just accept our position."

Rabbi Herschel begins to pray along with two other rabbis who take his side, when all of a sudden, a great booming voice says: "I am Adonai, the Lord, and Rabbi Herschel is right" an...

Me: “I don’t want to ever see you anymore! I won’t let you hurt me like this again! Abuse is never acceptable!”

Trainer: “”It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.”

We have two ways to deal with the coronavirus. A) Accept science now

Or
B) *vent later*

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. ...

Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?

He didn't believe in golden globes.

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

I was just on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

Goodwill has announced they will no longer accept donations of vape or tobacco products

Clothes, but no cigar.

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

Where do alligators that can't accept the truth go?

Da Nile

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

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I asked the prostitute will she accept bitcoin ?

"No, it goes up and down more than you do"

My local church has just started accepting contactless donations!

I’ve suggested they implement contactless priests

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A man bets his boss 5000$...

that he (the boss) has a pimple on his ass.

"No way!" - says the boss and accepts the bet.

He opens his ass to show to the man. The man says: "It's too dark here, move to the window so I can see better". The boss moves to the window. "Ok, you were right, there is no pimple on your ass"...

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