A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Some people say that we need to accept all races, but I refuse!

Marathons are just awful!

My friend won't accept criticism of his wardrobe.

He's so clothes-minded.

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

You want me to accept that I'm trash?

I refuse.

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?

She was the queen of denial

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Why weren’t the ghost parents accepted in the new housing complex?

Because they were Trans-parent

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

Where do Santa's elves make the just acceptable toys?

In the satisfactory.

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

"Fat acceptance"

The only movement without movement

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

What type of currency will Superman never accept?

Krypto-currency

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

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Adam and Eve in the garden..

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflec...

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Double

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby an...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

What's the difference between women and computers?

Women don't accept 3 and a half inch floppies

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

The anti vaccine society just stopped accepting members which is sad…

People are dying to get in .

Abortions should be safe, legal and rare.

However, I am willing to accept medium rare or even medium as long as they are well seasoned.

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

A Scottish Terrier walks into a bank

He sits at the desk of the Loan Officer, a Ms. Patty Black. He asks if he’s eligible for a small business loan.

“Do you have any collateral?”, Patty asks.

“I do have this,” replies the Terrier, rooting around in his bag and pulling out a small porcelain figurine.

“I’m not sur...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Thailand was having troubles trading with China.

China refused to accept Thailand's official currency, (the Baht) but the Thais noticed that China had no problem trading in South Korean Won.

So they made a plan to buy 3.2 trillion Won from Korea and use it as an official currency for international trade exchanges.

Unfortunately, it t...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

Subject: Chemistry Mid-term

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus ...

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The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound w...

Your momma is so fat....

Your momma is so fat that when she accepts website cookies they run out.

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One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

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Irish Whiskey

A man walked into a pub, took a seat, and when the barmaid asked him what he wanted he replied, "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat between your luscious breasts".
"You bloody degenerate!", the barmaid shouted, "Get out before I fetch my husband!"

The man apologize...

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

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An old man was living out his days in a nursing home.

One day the nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked, “Is there something wrong?”

“Yes nurse,” the old man replied, “my private part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were sometimes a little senile she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, please accept my condole...

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

The Charlie Brown Foundation is now accepting donations.

All proceeds go towards good grief counsellors.

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

\* Never make resolutions

\* Be accepting of paradoxes

\* Use the binary number system more often

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A woman puts an ad in the paper for a new husband

After many years in an unsuccessful marriage, a woman puts an ad for a new husband in the paper. She says she’s looking for a man who won’t hit her, run around on her, and is good in bed.

The next day, the doorbell rings. She answers it, and to her surprise, a man without arms or legs is sitt...

A doctor and a lawyer collide.

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the ...

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

"I accept your sacrifice."

Good news, if your name is Cain.

Bad news, if your name is Abraham.

Tremendous news, if your name is Mikhail Tal.

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Canoe ride.

My grandmother was in a nursing home and caught the eye of an elderly gentleman in the home. The home was on a gentle river and he asked her if she would like to go on a canoe ride with him. She took him up on the offer of a date on the water. As they drifted away from the dock, he first looked u...

A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole

after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in th...

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

A man walks into a Christian talk centre

He listens to the priests speech and halfway through interrupts him.

“Your god can’t exist and Jesus can’t be his son and your bible is corrupted.”
The priest objects “my son i have proof if you would just let me finish-“

But the man exits the centre. The priest secretl...

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

In Italy, it's traditiom to accept apologies after a dinner.

That happens because it's all in the pasta.

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

I am banned from my church livestream

Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

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Two brothers come across two fields at night.

Two brothers come across two fields at night. One field is full of watermelons, the other one is full of olive trees.

The two brothers decide to steal some olives and watermelons so they could eat it at home. One brother goes to the watermelon field, the other one goes to the olive trees fie...

I went on a diabetes awareness webiste

...and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

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Another man accepts a job in a village with no women...

He asked his foreman "what do you do without any women here?"

The foreman replies "there's a barrel with a knothole in the side. Stick your dick in it and you'll be able to get off".

The new recruit is surprised but eventually gets horny enough to give it a try. He is amazed: it feels ...

I am finally ready to accept applications for my deer cloning business...

It's for anyone looking to make a quick buck.

My SO has a foot fetish which I've never found appealing. After a bit of pressure and experimenting, my SO finally won me over.

I ultimately accepted defeat.

2 Life Lessons...

Lesson 1:

There once were these two boys walking in a field and one of the boys finds a green rock. He picks it up and says to his friend, "I bet you five bucks that I can throw this green rock up in the air and it won't come back down." So his friend says, "Okay, you're on." So the boy wi...

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

Why did I accept a job at a bakery?

I kneaded the dough.

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Two months ago, while I was leaving Wal-Mart, I got totally scammed.

These two gorgeous college girls, wearing nothing but bikini tops and mini-shorts, started washing my car just as I was about to leave the parking lot. When they were finished, I asked them, "How much should I pay you?" One of the two girls said, "We don't accept payment in money. We accept payment ...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

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A man goes to a brothel, but all the prostitutes are busy

The manager tells him that all the women are at work right now, and all the men too. The only one not taken is Kolobok, a spherical piece of bread.

The man accepts, pays and takes Kolobok to a room. He holds it and turns it around and mutters to himself: "how do I fuck this, how do I fuck thi...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A guy goes to the doctors.

A guy goes to the doctors complaining of feeling generally unwell. The Doctor examines him, then looks at him and says, 'Well, Mr Jones, it looks like you have Yellow 24'. 'What's that? ' asks Mr Jones, and the doctor explains 'Sadly its not a good prognosis. First you start feeling unwell, as you h...

I saw an Egyptian not accepting his responsibilities

He was in de-Nile to say the least

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A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy r...

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After graduating from college, a woman comes home and confesses to her father, "After four years of college, I ain't a virgin anymore."

"I'm very disappointed in you," says the father. "Ever since you were just a little one, you were very bright. You got amazing grades in school, and you were actually the first member of our rural family to get accepted into college. To afford it, I had to get a second mortgage on the farm and sell ...

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.

I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"

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Why is homosexuality still not accepted?

Because too many people are fucking assholes.

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Dave was in love with Wendy...

As a sign of his devotion he got her name tattooed on his willy, just before asking for her hand in marriage. Now, when he was flaccid only the first and last letters of Wendy's name were visible. That night in bed Wendy noticed the "Wy" tattooed on his member. Upon inquiring Dave about it, he becam...

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

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Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?

Ass skin for a friend.

Adam and Eve blundered when they hit "Accept and Continue."

They forgot to read the apple terms of service.

Why can't the Vatican accept Visa or Mastercard?

Because it's a Paypal state

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

Don’t accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It could be SPAM.

A man goes to a boat port at notices a man with a small head

He goes up to the man and asks why he has such a small head. The man tells him a story



Once a couple years ago, I was fishing on my little boat when all of a sudden I fell something very large in my net. I reel it in, only to find it is a mermaid. I was going to kill her and sell her ...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Ork King.

Before heading out to fight the Ork King, they head to town to hire a mercenary.
The first one is a swordsman, who asks for 1000 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 2000 gold for her services.
The last one is a Spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experienc...

A man goes to a kennel hoping to adopt two dogs

The employee there shows him two powerful looking dogs and one small, cute dog.


The man asks if it’s possible to have one powerful dog and the cute dog.


‘Unfortunately,’ says the employee, ‘the two powerful dogs are twins, so they can’t be separated. As they are completely i...

2 Christians in the Sahara

Were lost and looking for food/water. They found in the middle of the day a small city with a mosque in its entrance. The two men decided to go look for charity there. Before going in they had a discussion:
Man 1: I don't think they will provide us with food knowing that we're Christians, I'll sa...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow.

A man goes to a monastery and asks to join. The Abbot agrees to accept him under one condition. "You must take a vow of silence, and you are only allowed to speak 2 words every 5 years upon reaching your anniversary of taking that vow".

The man agrees, and in due course he takes his vows. 5 ...

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A Guy Has Just Bought a New House in a new neighbourhood.

A guy purchased a new property in an area where he didn't know anyone. So he thought we would go to the neighbours and introduce himself.

He went next door, and was greeted by a gentleman telling him to FUCK OFF!

He was taken aback, and replied with, "I have just bought the house next...

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

Plato absentmindedly bumps into someone walking down the street.

He hands him a book and says, "Please accept my Apology".

An Acadian, a Newfie and a Quebec'er were walking down the beach when they they found a Genie's lamp

The Genie said that he would grant them each one wish. The Genie turned to the Acadian and asked "What will be your wish?"

The Acadian said "Well, I had to start working out West and they don't speak a lot of French there, so it would be nice if they would accept me for who I am."

Th...

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A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

A student is failing his classes, so he goes to the teacher with a bet

"I will tell you a riddle. You have an entire week to solve it. If you do, I am giving you 500€, if you don't, you give me an A"

"I accept"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The teacher thinks and thinks the entire week, but d...

I got my letter of acceptance to urology school today.

It read:

'Well done. Ur-ine'

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

How does a deaf person accept a package?

They sign for it

When is a fart joke acceptable?

When it doesn't stink!

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