A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

Guy in a bar called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

What’s the approximate Venn Diagram of Tool fans and Joe Rogan fans

It’s a Perfect Circle

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."


From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"


"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
...

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

A bad workman blames his fools.

*edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

Who should play a car mechanic wielding a hefty tool in any film?

Hugh Jackman.

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

Tool number seven

\- Quick! I need tool number seven, I've only got a minute to fix this!
\- Here, take it.
After a minute of trying
\- What the hell? This is the wrong number!
\- Sorry, tool eight.

My dad says I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.

But he also says atleast I’ve got the being a tool part down to a science!

My friend asked me what my favorite tool was

I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross.

He says it's a whisk he's willing to take.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

What material do they use to make tools in China?

Thaitanium

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.

She chose the ladder.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

What's the pope's favorite power tool?

A cathedrill

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking?

A chizzle.

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

How do you know when a guy is a tool?

When he nuts and bolts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

Who hosts the tool awards?

Emcee Hammer

What tool should a good liar use?

A Bong, so they can blow more smoke up your ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure

So yeah, I got a big booty hoe

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

An FBI agent tells a Montana Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Ok, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

Why'd the tool go to the bar?

He wanted to get hammered and find someone to nail.

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

It tunes and scoops?

What do you call a tool that both tunes and scoops?

​

A tuning spork!

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

So this man, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but a very good husband nonetheless.

So this man, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but a very good husband nonetheless.
He gets a call from his son, "daddy daddy come quick! Mommy's door is locked and she's screaming"
So he rushes home, naturally, and finds his son crying at the steps. They both run inside, and dash upstairs t...

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they’re all tools.

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it)

Did i tell you that someone hit me over the head with a power tool the other day?

Minding my own business, then next minute BOSCH.

A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".

"What?" asks the clerk.

The man pointed to the garden tools. "That hoe over there."

What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

what brand of power tool does Chris Brown use?

Black and Decker.

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

Why do Christian bands only record with Pro Tools?

Because they don't understand how to use Logic or Reason.

Three men at a bar

Man one turns to the other two and says:
“Fellas I think my wife is cheating on me with a Doctor”
Man two and three reply:
“How do you know?”
Man one says:
“because I found a Doctor’s-medicine bag under the bed”
Man two says:
“Well Fellas I think my wife’s cheating on me w...