UPJOKE
joyridetool aroundtechnologyinstrumentdeviceimplementgarden toolpower toolhand toolprovideprocessgrapnelprickdickshaft

Tool Jokes

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.

I know the drill.

my friend told me that tool puns aren't funny

I said I disagree because I think awl puns are funny

What is the best power tool to love?

A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.

Why does Popeye's tool never rust?

Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

My friend was showing me his tool shed.

He pointed to a ladder.
"That's my step ladder," he said.


"I never met my real ladder."

What is the smartest tool?

A thermometer because it has so many degrees

Someone told me I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed

What does that mean?

some guy told me I was a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the one tool seek another tool to be its therapist?

Because sometimes even wrenches need a vice.

P.S.: I had just seen this video on here that showed a special vice grip for certain tools and random shaped objects. Was cool as hell. Enjoy!

What tool do you use to inseminate a sheep?

A laminator!

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

What is Pinocchio’s father’s favorite wood shaping tool?

A Geppetto file.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

What is the king of all tools?

The Ruler.

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What tool do you use to sculpt genitalia?

A dick pick

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?

He sticks it in Olive Oyl...

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A construction foreman is interviewing three guys for a job.

He asks the first guy, "Can you take this hammer, throw it in the air, and catch it in your tool belt?"

The first guy says "I sure can!" and tosses the hammer 6 feet in the air. He catches it behind him right in his tool belt.

The foreman nods his head, and says to the second guy, "...

What’s Snoop Dog’s favourite tool?

A chisel

When your only tool is a hammer..

all problems start looking like nails.

I saw a man walk by with a Tool shirt.

At least he's honest with himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yells from behind me.

"Yee haw, it's a hoe down"

A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**

...stupid keyboard...

What tool does a spanish man use to play the violin?

Elbow

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

What's the favorite tool of a dad biologist?

A pun nett square

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a tool box and a penis have in common

They both come in handy

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is about to walk into a bar, when a num holding a sign that reads "alcohol is evil" stops him.

The nun tells him about the evils of alcohol, "alcohol is evil! Alcohol is the devils tool!

Then, the nun says something that really effected the man. "What would your parents think!" The man explains how both his parents have passed away, and how he's not sure what they would think.

T...

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking?

A chizzle.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

Tool number seven

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)

What do you call a tool that sells drugs?

Escrobar

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best tool in the Mexican Magician’s arsenal?

His Magic Juan.

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

Every time I go biking I find tools on the road.

Most of them are driving cars.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

I'll never forget my first day working with my brother and my dad. My brother put his shovel in the dirt and my dad stepped in and said "You're doing it all wrong, you gotta let the tool do the work."

Then he handed the shovel to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are posts about the new Tool album getting so many Reddit awards?

Because it is worth its wait in gold.

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What tool should a good liar use?

A Bong, so they can blow more smoke up your ass.

My friend asked me what my favorite tool was

I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

Why'd the tool go to the bar?

He wanted to get hammered and find someone to nail.

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

How do you know when a guy is a tool?

When he nuts and bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what she's trying to say.

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

what brand of power tool does Chris Brown use?

Black and Decker.

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.