Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

What tool does a spanish man use to play the violin?

Elbow

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

When your only tool is a hammer..

all problems start looking like nails.

My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor

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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

What’s Snoop Dog’s favourite tool?

A chisel

Every time I go biking I find tools on the road.

Most of them are driving cars.

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

A bad workman blames his fools..

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard

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Three Irishmen are walking home after a night at the pub.

They're all a bit pissed, and decided to take the shortcut through the churchyard. As they pass the gravestones, one Irishman says to the others, "Look at this, boys. Ol' Patrick Flannigan lived 'til 85". Another of the men says, "Ah, that's nothing. Davie O'Toole is buried here. He lived to be 97."...

two screws in a toolbox and one says to the other "do I have to go first?" the other replies...

"come on, you know the drill."

Some f*cking lunatic just hit me over the head with a power tool!

I was just minding my own business when from out of nowhere... BOSCH!

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

That cop exploded saying “Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

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duck walks into a bar and puts down his tool bag

the bar tender is speechless. He’s even more amazed when the duck orders a drink. the same thing happens the next day. same routine. the duck walks in, puts down his tool bag, takes a seat, orders a drink. after a week of this the barman works up the courage and says to the duck “I hope you don’t mi...

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after

A couple of weeks later she wakes up and asks the doctor, "Where are my babies?"

The doctor replies, "They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother had to name them"

"Oh no! What did he name them?" The w...

There is some doubt about the nationality of Ötzi the Iceman.

He can't have been Italian, because he was carrying tools. He can't have been Austrian or Bavarian, because he had brains. He may have been Swiss, because he was run over by a glacier. But most likely he was a northern German, because who else would go hiking in the mountains while wearing sandals?

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

Hand Lotion!!^NSFW

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfwa...

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best tool in the Mexican Magician’s arsenal?

His Magic Juan.

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

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(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."

She chose the ladder.

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are posts about the new Tool album getting so many Reddit awards?

Because it is worth its wait in gold.

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

Pigs using tools

A new study has found that pigs can actually use tools after a scientist in Paris saw one start digging with a piece of bark it had in its mouth.

Finally, it's about time that pigs can start bringing home the bacon.

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

There was a construction site

There’s 3 labourers, ready for their morning job.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinese man.

The boss tells the Englishman, when I get back from lunch, I want this pile of dirt moved over there further.

To the Irishman, after he’s moved it, you need to spread the soil.

To ...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

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Hammer time

John the ranch hand is told to team up with Annie the young college girl helping out over the summer. They have been meanding fences in the foothills for a few days so they've got a donkey with them with a tool pack and supplies strapped on its back since the terrain is too rough to get a vehicle ...

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

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A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

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It was a cold Sunday...

It was a cold Sunday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs O'Tooles house. When she answered the door, Seamus Glynn, her husbands co-worker at the brewery was stood on the doorstep.

‘Seamus, hello. Where’s my Patrick? He should have been home from work hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry t...

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Southern Woman

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then ...

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

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A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

Why should you never use a tool for sorting big and small fences

It's a fence-sieve

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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door



A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for ...

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

What’s the approximate Venn Diagram of Tool fans and Joe Rogan fans

It’s a Perfect Circle

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long...

It has lasted for one Tool song.

A cowboy challenges an renowned native american warrior to a bear hunt ..

The native guy accepts, so they pack up their tools. The cowboy takes 5 revolvers, 2 rifles and a bunch of knifes just in case. The native? Only one bow and just TWO arrows.

The cowboy is perplexed and has to ask:

Cowboy: "Are you sure 2 arrows are all you need?"

Native america...

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

What do parties hosted by billionaires have in common with hardware stores?

They're both filled with tools.

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A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell

"How'd you die?" asked a demon.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
D: Well what happened?
P: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.
D: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell...

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

Tool number seven

\- Quick! I need tool number seven, I've only got a minute to fix this!
\- Here, take it.
After a minute of trying
\- What the hell? This is the wrong number!
\- Sorry, tool eight.

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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"

But t...

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking?

A chizzle.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

There once was a man from Stamboul

There once was a man from Stamboul,
who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You've taken my health,
you've ruined my wealth,
and now you won't pee, you old fool!"

What's the pope's favorite power tool?

A cathedrill

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

My friend asked me what my favorite tool was

I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention

Which common kitchen tool would drink your blood if it could?

*Spatula*

My dad says I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.

But he also says atleast I’ve got the being a tool part down to a science!

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