I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

How about my golf clubs?

Husband: Honey! I've read somewhere that men die much younger and it made me think if God forbid I die before you would you marry again?

Wife: Yes. I think so!

Husband: That's great! I wouldn't want you to be lonely Sweetheart! Do you think you would live in our house?

Wife: I l...

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(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

One cop visits another

- Maybe your son will grow up to be a cop like you!
- Bobby? No way, he's... pretty dim. Just watch this. Hey, Bobby! Go check if I'm coming back from work! (to the other man's surprise, Bobby obediently runs out the front door to check the driveway)
- Sheesh, you're right about that, he's no...

Score one for genetics

Good golf story: Dad hits one into a gully. He sees the ball about ten feet down. He goes to get his ball retrieval tool. I already have mine out and am sliding the extensions out. He puts his back in the bag and says, "yours is longer than mine."
Me: "Mom's side of the family."

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Pigs using tools

A new study has found that pigs can actually use tools after a scientist in Paris saw one start digging with a piece of bark it had in its mouth.

Finally, it's about time that pigs can start bringing home the bacon.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

I overheard my wife and her friends talking about how great their husbands are

My wife said that while I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, she does sleep with the most handsome man in the neighborhood.


And as soon as I find out who he is I’ll break his goddamn neck!

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Hi, I’m an asshole stretcher.

If you don’t know what that is, basically I’m paid to put my hand in someone’s asshole and then widen it with special tools. Pulling, prodding and generally expanding someone’s asshole, until it’s five feet in diameter.

Now you might wonder, “u/Shredder5780, what would you do with a five foo...

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony
I guess you couldn’t handle the joke
I’m gonna dig up some more
I’ll spade you of any more puns
If you couldn’t handle that you’re a tool
This is comedy gold!
Please don’t steel the joke
I’m probably just digging my own grave with this joke

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

This guy at the bar called me a tool...

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

I guess he was right.

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best tool in the Mexican Magician’s arsenal?

His Magic Juan.

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A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job. "We are kinda rough here. And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."

"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."

Soon, the foreman is on...

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

I took my car to an Irish mechanic yesterday

The mechanic was loosening a fastener with a tool when suddenly the tool snapped in half. Disgusted, he threw the wrench to the ground.

"Was that important? Does that happen often?" I asked him.

"Yes!" He proclaimed. "It drives me nuts!"

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

A bad workman blames his fools...

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

Why wasn't the drill ever invited to parties?

Because it's a boring tool.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

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An archeologist is tasked with exploring an ancient sealed off tomb.

He cracks it open to find one long hallway. He feels dissapointed that his expedition will end without so much as a rubbing, until he finds at the end of the hallway, one large room.

Sitting square in the middle of the room is an ornately decorated coffin.

As he approaches the coffin h...

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

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Gypsy with a deadly sin

One Gypsy went to a church for a confession: - Father, I have sinned - said Gypsy

-Tell me son what are your sins - priest asked

-They are so great so I am afraid to tell them even to you.

-God is merciful and he will forgive you you if you confess

-I fucked my mother! -...

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What Windows program is the most used by the Jews?

The Snipping Tool

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

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Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

Why should you never use a tool for sorting big and small fences

It's a fence-sieve

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What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

If the world followed Facebook trends

The plumber would come with noodles instead of tools

Where does Kim Jong Un shop for tools?

Home Despot.

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm

He knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yerpa home?" The farmer asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." <...

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A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

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A man browses the newspaper every day for advertisements.

On day 1, the first things he see are reaping tools.


On day 2, he still sees reaping tools first.


On day 3, he's tired of seeing reaping tools and inquires about it to the editor.


The editor exclaimed "Oh yeah, the front page is always full of reap posts."

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

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A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

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What does a Tool fan and an unvaccinated child have in common?

Neither one will be alive when their next album is released

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

What’s the approximate Venn Diagram of Tool fans and Joe Rogan fans

It’s a Perfect Circle

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

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A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

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Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

Tool number seven

\- Quick! I need tool number seven, I've only got a minute to fix this!
\- Here, take it.
After a minute of trying
\- What the hell? This is the wrong number!
\- Sorry, tool eight.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

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