I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

Why should you never use a tool for sorting big and small fences

It's a fence-sieve

A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Tool fan and an unvaccinated child have in common?

Neither one will be alive when their next album is released

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

Guy in a bar called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

What’s the approximate Venn Diagram of Tool fans and Joe Rogan fans

It’s a Perfect Circle

A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**

...stupid keyboard...

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

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A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."


From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"


"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
...

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

Tool number seven

\- Quick! I need tool number seven, I've only got a minute to fix this!
\- Here, take it.
After a minute of trying
\- What the hell? This is the wrong number!
\- Sorry, tool eight.

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

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A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

My dad says I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.

But he also says atleast I’ve got the being a tool part down to a science!

My friend asked me what my favorite tool was

I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Which common kitchen tool would drink your blood if it could?

*Spatula*

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking?

A chizzle.

I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.

She chose the ladder.

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

What's the pope's favorite power tool?

A cathedrill

I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

How do you know when a guy is a tool?

When he nuts and bolts

I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure

So yeah, I got a big booty hoe

Who hosts the tool awards?

Emcee Hammer

I work at a cell phone repair place at the mall.

It's literally called 'Cell Phone Repair.'

Don't let the name fool you though, we fix just about anything. Tablets, computers, TVs, whatever. I use all sorts of tools, but super glue is one of my favorites. You can't even begin to imagine how many problems it solves.

Anyways, I used to...

A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Me: That's right. But co...

Why'd the tool go to the bar?

He wanted to get hammered and find someone to nail.

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

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Gypsy with a deadly sin

One Gypsy went to a church for a confession: - Father, I have sinned - said Gypsy

-Tell me son what are your sins - priest asked

-They are so great so I am afraid to tell them even to you.

-God is merciful and he will forgive you you if you confess

-I fucked my mother! -...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

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Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

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What Windows program is the most used by the Jews?

The Snipping Tool

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