UPJOKE
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I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Someone told me I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed

What does that mean?

some guy told me I was a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

if you made a Venn diagram of Rick And Morty fans and Tool fans what would it look like?

Would it be a Perfect Circle?

Why does Popeye's tool never rust?

Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.

If Snoop Dogg was a carpenter, what would be his favorite tool?

A Fo-Chisel

What is Pinocchio’s father’s favorite wood shaping tool?

A Geppetto file.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

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A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

I saw a man walk by with a Tool shirt.

At least he's honest with himself.

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Why did the one tool seek another tool to be its therapist?

Because sometimes even wrenches need a vice.

P.S.: I had just seen this video on here that showed a special vice grip for certain tools and random shaped objects. Was cool as hell. Enjoy!

What is the smartest tool?

A thermometer because it has so many degrees

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

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I've heard that women can use sex as a tool to manipulate men.

But unfortunately my wife thinks I have nothing more to offer.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?

He sticks it in Olive Oyl...

cowboy walks into a blacksmith shop.

Starts picking up some tools and looking them over. Blacksmith starts getting annoyed. As he walks over to the him, the cowboy picks up a horseshoe that the blacksmith just made and burns his hand. Blacksmith says "did it burn ya?" Cowboy says "nope, just doesnt take me very long to look at a horses...

What is the king of all tools?

The Ruler.

I bought a great power saw two years ago. I can't wait to use it.

The owner's manual said *Warning: Do not use this tool until you read and understand the entire instruction manual!*

But half of it is in Chinese! I'm getting there.

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What tool do you use to sculpt genitalia?

A dick pick

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

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An Irishman buys a chainsaw...

Paddy goes to the tool store to buy a chainsaw.

The storekeeper says " this model will cut 60 trees a day".

"Fine," says Paddy, I'll take it now".

The next day, Paddy returns to the store. "You said this chainsaw would cut 60 trees a day, I'm only able to cut 40?"

The st...

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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

Three men at the pearly gates....

Three men have died and arrive together in the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first man "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man proudly answers "Not once in 40 years of marriage"

"You are a good man" St Peter tells him. "Here are the keys to your brand new Porsche. " He...

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

What's the favorite tool of a dad biologist?

A pun nett square

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

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What does a tool box and a penis have in common

They both come in handy

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

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A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

What’s Snoop Dog’s favourite tool?

A chisel

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

When your only tool is a hammer..

all problems start looking like nails.

What tool does a spanish man use to play the violin?

Elbow

What’s a squirrels favorite tool

A nutcracker

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.

"That's my step ladder", he said. "I never knew my real ladder".

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what shes trying to say.

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

Our boss told us to go to the tool room and grab a tool each. He then asked us to explain the importance of each tools that we picked.

Mike - "The hammer is good for nailing and building stuff"

John - " The hand saw is important for cutting woods"

Boss - " i see that you don't have any tool in your hands. That's pretty impressive because you are considering yourself as a tool right?"

Me - "I'm a hoe"

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

Every time I go biking I find tools on the road.

Most of them are driving cars.

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

Have you met our on-board cook who likes green power tools?

He is our Makita cruise chef.

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.

I mean, how did they hold the tools?

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What’s the best tool in the Mexican Magician’s arsenal?

His Magic Juan.

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

A bad workman blames his fools..

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard

I'm looking for a woman, recently married, recently cheated on , mad or scorned...

Who is willing to sell her man's tools for cheap.

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

What is a stoner bro's favorite tool?

A saw, dude

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

God gave us a chance...

He gave all of mankind a chance.

"Humans, I offer you the gift of words. The ultimate tool. These words are reusable, renewable, and refutable. Go do what you please with this divine gift!"

God watched from his pedestal as primitive man and woman jumped about in excitement alike.
<...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

I built a shelf for my tools right beside my work bench.

Now I can finish projects all by myshelf.

Tool number seven

\- Quick! I need tool number seven, I've only got a minute to fix this!
\- Here, take it.
After a minute of trying
\- What the hell? This is the wrong number!
\- Sorry, tool eight.

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

What's the difference between a hacksaw and a blender?

Are you kidding? You should be able to tell them apart, they're two completely different tools.

>!Anyway, you can't just put the entire baby into the blender, it doesn't fit. That's what the hacksaw is for.!<

What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.

She chose the ladder.

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

Why should you never use a tool for sorting big and small fences

It's a fence-sieve

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

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(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

My friend asked me what my favorite tool was

I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

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A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

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