I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

Guy in a bar called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**

...stupid keyboard...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."


From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"


"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
...

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Tool number seven

\- Quick! I need tool number seven, I've only got a minute to fix this!
\- Here, take it.
After a minute of trying
\- What the hell? This is the wrong number!
\- Sorry, tool eight.

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

My dad says I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.

But he also says atleast I’ve got the being a tool part down to a science!

My friend asked me what my favorite tool was

I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

Which common kitchen tool would drink your blood if it could?

*Spatula*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross.

He says it's a whisk he's willing to take.

What material do they use to make tools in China?

Thaitanium

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.

She chose the ladder.

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking?

A chizzle.

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

What's the pope's favorite power tool?

A cathedrill

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Me: That's right. But co...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

How do you know when a guy is a tool?

When he nuts and bolts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

Who hosts the tool awards?

Emcee Hammer

What tool should a good liar use?

A Bong, so they can blow more smoke up your ass.

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure

So yeah, I got a big booty hoe

Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

Why'd the tool go to the bar?

He wanted to get hammered and find someone to nail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man browses the newspaper every day for advertisements.

On day 1, the first things he see are reaping tools.


On day 2, he still sees reaping tools first.


On day 3, he's tired of seeing reaping tools and inquires about it to the editor.


The editor exclaimed "Oh yeah, the front page is always full of reap posts."

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How bout a limerick?

There once were two girls from Birmingham.

I know a story concerning 'em.

They lifted the frock

And diddled the cock

Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.

​

But the bishop was nobody's fool.

He gone to a fine public school.

He lowe...

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

Did i tell you that someone hit me over the head with a power tool the other day?

Minding my own business, then next minute BOSCH.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

what brand of power tool does Chris Brown use?

Black and Decker.

Why do Christian bands only record with Pro Tools?

Because they don't understand how to use Logic or Reason.

What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

It tunes and scoops?

What do you call a tool that both tunes and scoops?

​

A tuning spork!