I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Why does Popeye's tool never rust?

Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.

I saw a man walk by with a Tool shirt.

At least he's honest with himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the one tool seek another tool to be its therapist?

Because sometimes even wrenches need a vice.

P.S.: I had just seen this video on here that showed a special vice grip for certain tools and random shaped objects. Was cool as hell. Enjoy!

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?

He sticks it in Olive Oyl...

What is the smartest tool?

A thermometer because it has so many degrees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

What is the king of all tools?

The Ruler.

If Snoop Dogg was a carpenter, what would be his favorite tool?

A Fo-Chisel

Some guy called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've heard that women can use sex as a tool to manipulate men.

But unfortunately my wife thinks I have nothing more to offer.

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

God gave us a chance...

He gave all of mankind a chance.

"Humans, I offer you the gift of words. The ultimate tool. These words are reusable, renewable, and refutable. Go do what you please with this divine gift!"

God watched from his pedestal as primitive man and woman jumped about in excitement alike.
<...

I'm looking for a woman, recently married, recently cheated on , mad or scorned...

Who is willing to sell her man's tools for cheap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What tool do you use to sculpt genitalia?

A dick pick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

What’s a squirrels favorite tool

A nutcracker

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

What's the favorite tool of a dad biologist?

A pun nett square

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a tool box and a penis have in common

They both come in handy

What's the difference between a hacksaw and a blender?

Are you kidding? You should be able to tell them apart, they're two completely different tools.

>!Anyway, you can't just put the entire baby into the blender, it doesn't fit. That's what the hacksaw is for.!<

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.

"That's my step ladder", he said. "I never knew my real ladder".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what shes trying to say.

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

Every time I go biking I find tools on the road.

Most of them are driving cars.

What’s Snoop Dog’s favourite tool?

A chisel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

When your only tool is a hammer..

all problems start looking like nails.

Have you met our on-board cook who likes green power tools?

He is our Makita cruise chef.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor

Our boss told us to go to the tool room and grab a tool each. He then asked us to explain the importance of each tools that we picked.

Mike - "The hammer is good for nailing and building stuff"

John - " The hand saw is important for cutting woods"

Boss - " i see that you don't have any tool in your hands. That's pretty impressive because you are considering yourself as a tool right?"

Me - "I'm a hoe"

What tool does a spanish man use to play the violin?

Elbow

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

Getting to Heaven.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father...

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

What do you call a tool that sells drugs?

Escrobar

Some f*cking lunatic just hit me over the head with a power tool!

I was just minding my own business when from out of nowhere... BOSCH!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best tool in the Mexican Magician’s arsenal?

His Magic Juan.

I built a shelf for my tools right beside my work bench.

Now I can finish projects all by myshelf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

What tool do you use to open an egg?

A hatchet

For 30 years I’ve made tools employing a chamber with a colored liquid and an air bubble, used to determine if a surface is perfectly horizontal. My wife says that’s not a career and that I’m a joke.

Yeah, well this joke has worked on so many levels.

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are posts about the new Tool album getting so many Reddit awards?

Because it is worth its wait in gold.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and l...

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

What’s the approximate Venn Diagram of Tool fans and Joe Rogan fans

It’s a Perfect Circle

The three bears.

The three bears are out of work after the whole Goldilocks scandal.
Anyway they get offered a days work on a building site, and the foreman gives them a task and some picks.
On giving them their tools he says, "don't lose your tools".
So after working all morning dinner arrives, and off the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Tool number seven

\- Quick! I need tool number seven, I've only got a minute to fix this!
\- Here, take it.
After a minute of trying
\- What the hell? This is the wrong number!
\- Sorry, tool eight.

I came up with a new circumcision tool

It's cutting edge technology.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

What is a sheep’s favorite office tool?

A lamb-inator

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

A bad workman blames his fools...

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.

She chose the ladder.

New kid on the jobsite today asked what was the proper name for the tool we were using (plumb bob)

I told him "Plumb Robert".

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.