A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

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The hunter who didn't care

There was a hunter who simply didn't care.

One day, the hunter who didn't care was out hunting and bagged several animals that he intended to sell for furs. And when I say many animals, I mean *many* animals, well beyond his legal limit. But, alas, he didn't care. He just kept waiting for ...

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a redditor a joke and he’ll repost it for a lifetime.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: ...

"You have perfect eyesight."

I was going to give you guys an Asian joke....

But I know some of you would never reddit go.

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Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?

No strings attached.

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

A women walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre

So the bar tender gives it to her.

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?

The cold Shoulder.

How much room should you give fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

If life gives you melons...

You have dyslexia.

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

I steal from the poor and give to the rich, what am I?

The government.

I've heard that "Never gonna give you up" is a great song.

But everytime I'm asking for a link I'm just getting rickrolled...

Why does a man who gives out money have no friends...

Because he’s a LOANER!

What award do you give a bad dentist?

A plaque.

What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

What to give an armless child for Christmas

Obviously nothing...they can’t open it

How do communists give handjobs?

They seize their partners means of reproduction!

Jacob survived the Holocaust, but his family did not. Angrily, Jacob raises his fist to the sky and shouts "God, give me back my family!"

A few seconds later, a big load of fine ashes is poured down on Jacob and a deep voice from above roars "Here you are, Jacob."

Jacob looks down, then he looks up and shyly notes: "They also had gold teeth."

"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull is standing at the border between the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull doesn't give milk"

"Belgians don't know that!"

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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So you know what always gives me butterflies?

Caterpillars.

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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I know a hooker who gives telepathic orgasms.

She'll blow your mind.

"Give it to me,"She begged. "I'm so wet! Give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

What did Santa give to his parents when they asked for a divorce?

He gave them semicolons; they are great for separating independent clauses

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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...!

.. she just spits it out. !

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A Japanese doctor opens a clinic

A Japanese Doctor, can't find a job in a hospital in the US so he decided to open his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $50 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost...

What do you call the magical beam that gives people karma?

The legendary cakeray.

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

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Which Disney Princess gives the best blowjobs?

Cinderella, cuz she goes all the way to the ball.

What does a microorganism say when they give birth to their sister?

OW! My toe sis.

If you're using public transport never give up your seat

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus drive

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

What do you call the Imodium the head nurse at Hogwarts gives you?

Defense Against the Dark Farts

Marriage is a give and take relationship.

I give her money and I take out the trash.

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

I knew this chick who would give handjobs to anyone, regardless of their profession.

Jacks off all trades.

A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."

Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?

Or is that a blanket statement?

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

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How do you get a fuck out of someone who doesn’t give one?

Beat the fuck out of them.

My wife gives me sound advice.

90% sound, 10% advice.

Next time you make dinner rolls, be sure and get some clay and make a model of it. Give it a name, and you will always find it useful in your time of need!

After all, it is important to have a roll model.



\-my grandpa

When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

What do you give to a dog with a fever ?

Mustard, it's the best for hot dogs!

They say that orienteering gives you a sense of freedom.

I don’t think that is true, there are controls everywhere!







(Seeing as Americans don’t know what orienteering is I foresee this joke bombing!) :D

If a Stormtrooper offers to give you a ride in his car, you shouldn’t worry about ending up in a car accident

They have a stellar safety record, because they’ve never hit anything since the beginning of time

What do you get when you give Eevee money?

Patreon

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

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(NSFW) I give my GF an orgasm everyday.

And sometimes she spits it back out.

What rating did Jesus give the Romans for his crucifixion?

X/X... They nailed it!

While in North Korea they abducted Trump, and demanded the US give them a billion dollars or else . . . .

they would give him back.

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My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

Everyone told Beethoven to give up because he was deaf

of course he didn't listen

My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship.

It’s been a real disorienting experience for him.

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

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What does a Lawyer get when you give him viagra?

Taller

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandma nice birthday gifts.

My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively. I couldn't afford anything other than a talking parrot. However, this could've worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandmo...

A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused...

I have this instinct to murder the most beautiful person in the world and I want to give into it.

But I also don’t want to commit suicide.

Girls are ridiculous man. Give em an inch and they take

All your child support.

Why don’t crabs give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

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I'm trying to give up sexual inuendos

It's hard, so hard

Give a man a jacket...

And he'll be able to leave the house.

Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house.

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

If you get a new hairstyle that you don't like, just give it some time...

It will grow on you.

I told my wife I want to give our fifth child a Chinese name, she asked "why?"

I said "because one in five kids are Chinese".

A lady gives herself a treat for her 7pth birthday

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 was the standard rate. S...

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

Classic #3829 - A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth

A guy is waiting in the hospital waiting room, while his wife is in labor. There are 3 other men sitting next to him, also waiting for their wives to give birth.

The doctor comes out and says to the first guy, "Lucky you! Your wife just had twins!"
The guy says,"Wow what a coincidence, I ...

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You should never give a therapist space

A space is what seperates the rapist from therapist

My wife's the worst. You give her an inch...

And she wants six more.

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll deplete the ocean of its fish stocks, starting a chain reaction that will lead to the 6th mass extinction, leaving the human race extinct

What's the best flower for a boy to give for Mother's day?

Son-flowers of course!

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Three kids are talking about the gift they’re going to give their mom for Mother’s Day.

The first one say: I bought her a necklace and a scarf. So if she doesn’t like the necklace she can put on the scarf.

The second kid say: I’m going to give her a ring and gloves. So if she doesn’t like the ring she can always put on the gloves.

The third one say: I’m giving her earring...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day...

Give a man a fishing rod and he'll pretend it's a massive penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been trying to give up pornography...

... but some of the stuff on the Internet makes it very hard for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby...

...and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! I...

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

When life gives you lemons

Just take it, life might be feeling merciful for once

An old woman took a taxi, and every now and then she gives the taxi driver some almonds, the taxi driver was really thankful and wanted to compliment her so he said "you took good care of your teeth to be able to eat almonds at this age", and the old woman replied:

"Oh no they're all gone, I'm just eating a mars bar, I lick off the chocolate and give you the almonds"

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

What the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

A teacher gives 7 grade students a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, horses, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the next week with props and costumes. One of those students, George, felt that this was a stupid thing to do and didn’t prepare that day. The following day, his parents got a...

“Take this number four out of my hand and I’ll give you one million dollars. However, a complete stranger to you will die,” said the man in a back alley.

“No!” the other man responded, “I would never four give myself”

A rich philanthropist decides to give some jewelry to a homeless woman on the street, named Edith.

Edith: thanks for the gold!

Whatever You do Always Give 100 %

Unless You're Donating Blood

I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

Why do people give rotten food to Victor?

Because to the victor go the spoils.

My jokes are so bad they could give you a headache..

I’m aspirin to be better.

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.00 and that Continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $1.50

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.

“First you give me $2.00 every ...

During a conversation a friend brings up his theory about how the moon landings were faked. I give him a concerned look.

I say “you believe in the moon?”

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

If you give birth to a boy and it hurts afterwards...

Is it called a sonburn?

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

It’s a good idea to give high IQ people handjobs.

Some would say it’s a stroke of genius.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

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