A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”

​

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

​

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

​

The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”

​

The woman replies...

Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a redditor a joke and he’ll repost it for a lifetime.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

A women walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre

So the bar tender gives it to her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The hunter who didn't care

There was a hunter who simply didn't care.

One day, the hunter who didn't care was out hunting and bagged several animals that he intended to sell for furs. And when I say many animals, I mean *many* animals, well beyond his legal limit. But, alas, he didn't care. He just kept waiting for ...

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

​

The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been trying to give up pornography...

... but some of the stuff on the Internet makes it very hard for me.

What's the best flower for a boy to give for Mother's day?

Son-flowers of course!

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese doctor opens a clinic

A Japanese Doctor, can't find a job in a hospital in the US so he decided to open his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $50 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost...

Whatever You do Always Give 100 %

Unless You're Donating Blood

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

"Give it to me,"She begged. "I'm so wet! Give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

What happens of life gives you melons?

You're dyslexic

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chinese Guy Walks Into A Bar

and sits behind the counter The bartender is black. The Chinese guy says "Give me a Jigga ya nigga" .. The black bartender begins to make him a Jigga but questions himself and then asks the Chinese guy.. "Excuse me sir can you repeat yourself"? He responds "Yea ya monkey nigga give me a Jigga". The...

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

A guy on the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.

I lost it.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

god is waiting at the gates of heaven, and is waiting to give judgement to the next batch of people

the first man comes in. he is a priest. god asks "how did you die?" the man replies, "I was shot while I was having sex." god says that he can't have sex, being a priest and sworn to chastity, and god sends him to hell.

​

the second man appears. god asks "how did you die?" t...

What happens when you give away your batteries?

They get free of charge

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens when you give politicians Viagra?

They get taller.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

A guy is asked to give an address at his best friend's wedding.

He grabs the microphone, clears his throat and, in the smoothest voice he can muster:

- Number 23, Maple Street, 2nd floor, apartment number 3.

The groom is dumbfound, looking at his friend.

- That's the address of you wife's lover, bro.

What do you call a cow that can't give milk?

A milk dud.

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn't be able to open it anyways.

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.

​

“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. ...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband resp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

I'm opening a tattoo shop where I give free tattoos to girls who show me their breast

I'll call it "Tit for tat"

Can I give you an Australian kiss?

It’s down under.

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

When life gives you lemons...

...take advantage of lemon law.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

Can teachers give homeless kids...

... homework?

I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman, tired of her husband's obnoxious snoring, decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That night, they went to bed, and as the husband rolled over and began to drift off, the wife started to snore. When he didn't react, she got louder. She continued until the husband, grumbling, started fumbling around in the dark. He groped until his hand found one of her breasts, and he gave her ni...

Why can't you give Elsa (from Frozen) a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.


My 5-year-old son just told me this.

What is it that lives if it is fed, and dies if you give it a drink?

***fire***

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man how to phish, and he'll probably become a Nigerian Prince.

Always give 100% at work

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Friday

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine

The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

What do you call wireless headphones you give to your kids?

Heirpods

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you give blowjobs to strangers?

No? Then allow me to introduce myself.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion......

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive” but it’s still hard without him.......

I told a poltergeist that I'd give him $10,000 to leave my home forever

But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house

Give a man a jacket...

And he'll be able to leave the house.

Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house.

While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand.

When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony.

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

A Christian priest, a Muslim priest and a rabbi are asked what method they use to give money with God and the community.

The Christain priest goes first. He draws a circle and throws all the money into the air. "Whatever falls into the inner part of the circle is mine, whatever falls on the outer side of the circle is God's and the communities.

The Muslim priest goes second. He draws a straight line and throws ...

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

So, the guy says doc give it to me straight what's the prognosis?

The doctor says well you've got to make a choice. You can choose a or b. A, you have to live the rest of your life with your wife.."B", the guy interrupts, I'll take "B"

I won a million dollars in the lottery! I plan to give a quarter of it to charity.

That'll leave me with $999,999.75 to spend on myself!

God’s assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God’s assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God’s assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won’t help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn’t it be funny when he won’t...

Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"

Guy is fine with that.

Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"

Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.

Guy: "Ok, I want to be...

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

&#x200B;

Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

This girl asked me If I won a million what will I do with it? I told her: I'm gonna give it to you. She seemed happy and hugged me

the poor thing thought I'm talking about the million.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey guys I've been talking to this girl for a while, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice to move out of the friendzone.

Because she's fucking crazy and I need to get away from this bitch.

People dont give JFK enough credit

He was very open-minded

Woman on a full bus to a guy sitting: "Can you give me space? I am pregnant."

Guy replies: "Sure. And how long are you pregnant? You dont show yet"
Woman: "Two hours. But my legs still hurt".

Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $200, and they proceed to a back bedroom...

After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"

"About three knots," says the hooker.

"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"

And the hooker says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

My wife didn’t believe that I would give our daughter an embarrassing name.

But I decided to call her Bluff.

What the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway.

What has got one wheel but you have to give it back?

A wheelborrow.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

What do you give a cannibal that's late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

What would you give to a guy who has everything? Asked a girl to her friend.

My phone number! Answered her friend.

What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Surname.

What is a very moving gift that you can give to a scientist?

Joules

I was so bad at math my bank refused to give me a loan

Thank god I had someone to cosine

How do you tell someone that they give really bad head?

"You really suck?"

What does the animal give?

Teacher: What does the pig give?

Student: Bacon

Teacher: What does the chicken give?

Student: Eggs

Teacher: What does the cow give?

Student: homework

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a drink, quick!"

The bartender gives him his drink, and says "What's the hurry, buddy?"
The guy downs the drink and says "Just went to the doctor. Get me another drink, quick!"
The bartender gives him another drink, which he promptly guzzles.
The guy downs the next drink, and the bartender says "Really, ...

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How long after a tonsillectomy is it safe to give a blowjob?

Asking for my wife. She had the operation in 2015 .

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary...

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."

"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"

Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and s...

My sister wanted me to give her something hard to write on...

I don't even know why she became so mad. It's pretty damn hard to write on sand.

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it a clock?

Eon

Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do
a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...