My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't.

She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.

Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”

The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give a man porn flick and he'll masturbate for a day...

... Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player?

**Me:** once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.

**Interviewer:** and you?

**Me:** distracted her husband with an interview

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband said: "But they are twins. If...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

Give a man a plane ticket, and he'll fly for a day

Throw a man off a flight and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

An indian and Albert einstein make a bet, Albert einstein says for every question you say and I don't have an answer for I will give you $500 and when I have a question you can't answer you will give me $5. The indian agrees. Albert asks him what 96950x30857 is, then the indian gives him $5 then...

The indian asks him, what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4, albert is stumped and gives him $500 then curious albert asks the indian what does go up a mountain with 3 legs and come down with 4? Then the indian gives him $5

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Why do men give their jackets to women that are cold

Who the fuck wants a blowjob from a girl whos teeth are chattering

Two very stupid students are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”

At Sydney airport, the students catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”

“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the students. “And you’ll only be gett...

[NSFW] Right now only female cows can give milk...

but milk from male cows is coming!

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I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas

That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself

Kid: gives dad 50th birthday card

Dad: one would have been enough

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

Always give 100%!

Unless you're giving blood

It’s almost that time of year when the fat beardy person comes round to give all the kids their Christmas presents....

Man I hate it when the mother-in-law is in town.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Muslim girls don't give blowjobs

They give Hijabs

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?

The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

A couple were in divorce court and the judge said ‘I have reviewed this case very carefully and I have decided to give your wife £775 a week.’

The husband replied ‘that’s very fair your honor, and every now and then I will try to send her a few quid myself’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and... cola."

"Why the big pause?" Asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "Im not sure; I was born with them."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby.

The doctor starts body slamming it ,throwing it against walls, stomping on it, etc.
The woman woman gave the doctor a terrified look.
The doctor says, "I'm just fuckin with you. It came out dead."

Whenever someone gives you a tough time or is being ignorant tell them.

That the most surefire way to commit suicide is to jump from their ego, to their IQ

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Son: They do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash

Never give your seat up for a lady

Because that's how I lost my job as a bus driver

What’s brown, round, and if you give it a map it’ll still get lost?

Dora the Explorer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So in school we learned about how you don't give tea to people who don't want tea or are unable to drink it and tea stood in for sex

So what the hell was the Boston Tea Party?

Whats the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo when he rolls off the factory line?

Two test tickles

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

A woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy...

The baby asked the doctor, "Are you my father?"

"No." Replies the doctor.

The baby asks another doctor, "Are you my father?"

"Sure ain't." Replies the second doctor.

The baby asks his older brother, "Are you my father?"

"Not at all." Replies the brother.

Fin...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

To me, I think it was the right idea to give that new joker movie an R rating

Without it the whole film would seem like one big “*Joke*”

What’s the diagnosis most psychiatric professionals give to doomsday preppers?

Stock home Syndrome

If life gives you melons...

You have dyslexia.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

Why did the black referee give a warning to the Nascar driver?

Because he loved pulling out that race card.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx

"What did the alternative doctor give her starchild who kept acting out at school?"

"An Herbal Warning"

I always give my 100%

and thats how i died after visiting the blood donation camp.

A guy wearing a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred bucks he would give me five hundred in six weeks.

It turned out to be just a Fonzi scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"

About 20 students raise their hands.

The professor asks, "Has anyone ever...

You wanna know what gives me uncontrollable gas?

A brick on the accelerator.

A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies.

And to his sons, he gives sunflowers

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn't be able to open it anyways

What rank do you give an incompetent policeman?

Defective Inspector.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

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