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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent.

So a subreddit

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

If I’m reading their lips correctly,

my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

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A woman is in bed reading when her husband walks into the room with a sheep under his arm

He says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache ".

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that that is a sheep."

Husband says, "I think you'll find that I was talking to the sheep."

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I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week.

They must have a really well paying job. I can only afford it once a month!

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

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A man was reading a newspaper

when his son suddenly barged into the living room. He was all sweaty and out of breath, but had a big smile on his face. “Dad!” exclaimed his son, “I just lost my virginity!” The man put down his newspaper and looked at his son proudly. The young man standing before him reminded him of his youth, wh...

You have to read them backwards to get them.

What's the problem with time travel jokes?

What do Hogwarts students use to read PDF files?

They use Adobby

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Read this in a pirate voice

Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?

He got Marooned!

So I'm reading a horror story in braille

And I feel that something bad is going to happen

One nudist turns to the other and asks "Have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "*Yes it must be these old wicker chairs*"

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

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A story is told of a Londoner, a Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what di...

The scariest warning that you can read in braille

"Poisonous surface, do not touch"

So I was reading the obituaries the other day, and I'm really concerned.

People are dying in alphabetical order.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

The sign on the door read “To succeed, please enter”.

I walked in to find a naked man.

“Hello, I’m Ceed!” He said.

Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.

Wrong.

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate

But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.

I read an article which said that I could become an optimist in 7 weeks.

I doubt it.

Do U want Super Bowl Tickets?? Read below.

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED... A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2021 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid 11,500 each. It comes with ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and 400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room. He didn't realize last year when he bought them, i...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

I always wondered where those little cans of soda came from until I carefully read the writing on one...

...it said, "Made in Halfcanistan"

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I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

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i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary.

she went out with a wimple and not a bang.

what do ghosts read?

booooooks

Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book?

He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"

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to be read in the voice of george st. pierre (NSFW)

so there is this french canadian guy out in the bar, in alberta, he's having a few drinks he's buying rounds, having a real good time. he meets some girls, starts buying them drinks, and next thing you know he's out on the dance floor, making out and working that french pelvis of his, and with his ...

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.

I get to the end and I think, 'Well, *that's* not going to happen.'

This joke is terrible when you read between the lines

Line terrible line

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

If I'm good at lip reading correctly...

Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.

Learning to read Braille with my index finger hasn't been easy so far

In fact, it's been a pretty bumpy ride

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Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

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I just read an article on a woman with 12 breasts

Seems fake, dozen tit?

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

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I have a habit of reading when I am travelling via train.

This one journey I was reading *Mein Kampf*.

Suddenly this one lady in the cabin caught sight of the title and immediately started a ruckus. She snapped at how inappropriate it is for someone in the modern age to read that regressive book. She even went on to call me a Nazi and continued rebu...

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

It's important to not read the bible, but skim it -

The devil's in the details

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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A husband and wife are laying in bed reading

Man says" honey can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time?"

Wife says " you have the biggest penis out of all your friends"

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Ever wonder why fire engines are read?

Because newspapers are read too.
Two plus Two is four.
Four plus four is eight.
Eight plus four is twelve.
There are twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
There are fish in the sea.
Fish ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

Why is that palm tree reading out your dead grandfather's will?

Isn't it obvious? He's the Exeggutor of the estate.

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books

It was a real page-burner

If giraffes could read books I bet they wouldn't be able to stop at just one.

. . . what with them being two-story animals and all.

I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business.

Here's the Amazon link to it!

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

I have a hard time reading woman's signals.

I once tried going to the red light district, but I didn't stop.

Read below

A glass bottle says 'you break me you get a year of bad luck
A mirror says ' that's nothing you break me you get 7 years bad luck
The condom just sits there laughing

Why can't you read cat poetry to children?

It's all purr-verse.

Which is harder? Trying to read a doctor's handwriting or trying to read a programmer's code?

Trying to read a doctor's code.

An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!


"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.

I just finished reading a book on Leon Trotsky

It was a nice pick

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I just read a tear-jerker about a man who grows younger every time he ejaculates.

It's a coming-of-age story.

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A man was sitting on a park bench reading about the pro-trump rioters

Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, "All politicians are assholes."
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said, "I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. "Are you a politician?"
"No, " he replied, "I am an asshole. "

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

How a Chemist reads the alphabets

A B C D E F G water P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

i read the story about JFK

the ending was mind blowing.

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

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An old joke I read while searching for jokes on Discord with friends the other day. Not mine, but good regardless.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

Man was reading his wife's suicide note

Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sand...

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

What’s black and white and read all over?

An artic fox on black tar heroine

What I if told you

What if I told you you read the title wrong

An irish couple are reading the paper together (an original joke)

"Aye, did you hear Puff Daddy got arrested for public urination?"

"Ah, pee'd did he?"

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

My wife suggested I should read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

I just read some great political news today!...

...Arizona, Georgia and North Carolina have all projected that they will probably have the 2020 ballots counted in time for the 2024 presidential election.

I saw a sign that read 'Give Blood' and thought

'Yeah, that'll freak the kids out on Christmas morning'.

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I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

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