A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen.

I can feel it.

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

I just saw a headline that read “The 10 Worst Netflix movies of 2020”

...There’s only 10?

What’s black and white and read all over?

An artic fox on black tar heroine

i read the story about JFK

the ending was mind blowing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read a tear-jerker about a man who grows younger every time he ejaculates.

It's a coming-of-age story.

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

This joke is offensive and should be read with discretion.

offensive and should be read with discretion.

I was reading a book about helium

I couldn’t put it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read in the school newsletter today that there were kids in the school toilet block pissing up the wall to see how high they could reach

Anyway, apparently the school principal heard about this and was fuming, so he stormed over to the toilets and hit the roof!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke I read while searching for jokes on Discord with friends the other day. Not mine, but good regardless.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sand...

How a Chemist reads the alphabets

A B C D E F G water P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I read this joke when i was a kid, its funny every time. It goes like: A Kid ran to his mother shouting...

"Mother, Mother.. there is a Dog outside our house and its the size of an Elephant!!"

The Mother replies " Son, i told you 5000,000 times, don't over exaggerate things too much."

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

I just read that drinking can kill you. So that's it for me.

No more reading.

I just read some great political news today!...

...Arizona, Georgia and North Carolina have all projected that they will probably have the 2020 ballots counted in time for the 2024 presidential election.

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

When you're hiring for your business, take the stack of applications, and throw half of them out without reading them.

You don't want to be surrounded by unlucky people, do you?

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

What do they use at Hogwarts to read PDFs?

A-Dobby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is reading, and he's carrying a sheep under his arm...

Farmer: See? This is the pig I've been fucking!

Wife: That's not a pig, that's a sheep.

Farmer: I was talking to the sheep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

i took the main courses in school, reading, writing, and meth...

....i hated my lab partner

My wife suggested I should read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

I stopped at a roadside stand where a sign read "LOBSTER TAILS $5."

I paid my $5 and the guy said....

"Once upon a time, there was this lobster....."

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

Has anyone read the Indian wordplay book?

It’s written in punjabi

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

We all know that Trump can't read

That's why he thought his blue pills would give him a better election.

Not sure if this belongs here, but please read!!!!

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Tro...

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

I left my pastor on read this morning

Call that a holy ghost

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area". He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some enco...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

You are looking through your food bag after just leaving the Taco Bell drive through and find a note written on a napkin that reads "There are 2 armed men in here".......what do you do?

Eat your food.......1 armed men can't make tacos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill. Read it fast.

Jack and Jill ran up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name was Randy.

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/jokes, but today she is absent.

So today, a subreddit

Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.

"Ah", said the mystic. "One year from now I see great glory in your future.

Two years from now I see even greater glory.

Three years from now the glory is joined by love.

However I must warn you that past that I can read nothing of your future."

At this the dictator gets...

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds

I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

This is the third time I've read the policy upon posting jokes.

Ok Admin, i reddit already

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

Had a really bad start, but by the end I really liked it.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

What are ghosts favorite thing to read?

BOOks

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.

I’m finally above average for something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is a repost from long ago, but it is the best joke I ever read here

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's ...

Just read a book about an immortal dog.

It was impossible to put down.

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

I read a thriller in Braille.

You can really feel the suspense.

I finally got around to reading that Stephen Hawking book!

It's about time!

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

I read an article on internet....

and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are-


diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

Read it

A rabbit went into a library, Hippy hop hippy hop in it went.

It went through the aisles and picked up a bunch of books and put them into its cart.

The rabbit went up front to check them out, the librarian thought it was a little odd but since it had a library card they checked them ou...

If you read this joke you will die.

You'll die if you don't read it too, though there's no way of knowing that now...

I tried reading Dostoevsky's novels in Chinese

But there were too many characters.

How do you call a redditor who read everything?

A readitor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

Earlier today I read that an alligator can grow up to 15 feet...

...but I've never seen one with more than 4.

There are two sisters...

...one is blonde and hte other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed ...

Read carefully, because I am only going to write this once...

this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I read my mom's ID card today

She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it

I can read any language in the world!

If it is written in English.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler goes to a fortune teller to have his future read to him...

He walks up to the gypsy and she looks deep into he crystal ball. She tells him that he would die on a jewish holiday. Hitler, stunned by her prediction, seems worried and asks her what makes her so sure of her prediction. She replies “Because any day that you die on will be considered a jewish h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

A Man Stands In front of a Taco Truck and Reads the Menu.

It reads:

Taco $2
Burrito$6
Handjob$10

He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful woman at the register.

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" He says, ahnding her ten dollars.

"Yes I am." She answers seductively.

"Well wash your hands, I want 5 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been reading a very brief book on the history of Japanese warrior traditions.

It been heavily Samuraised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

I was just reading an article of ten facts about diarrhoea.

Number 2 will really surprise you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

What was the name of King Arthur's faithful sidekick who would go through the castle in the evening reading stories and tucking everyone else into bed?

Knighty Knight

What's the most terrifying to read in Braille?

"Do not touch."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.