Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

They say patience is a skill that can be acquired

But how can I learn it faster?!?!

What happens when a red-head acquires the Infinity Gauntlet?

A ginger snaps.

A man goes to his church to ask the priest a question.

"How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?" the man asks.

The priest replies, "you mean, a choir?"

"Uh, okay, I didn't think that mattered. How much does it cost to *acquire* a church-singing group?"

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A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure...

...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.

How do churches acquire holy water?

They boil the hell out of it.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was

Sir Cumference.



He acquired his size from too much pi.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to acquire a forbidden item.

They just won’t let you buy the plastic checkout dividers in supermarkets. Every time I try it just gets put back.

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4 men walk into a pub

They all sit down at the bar and get settled. The first guy to the left leans over to the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, can I get a can of olives?”

The bartender hesitates with a confused look, and responds, “I’m sorry, but we actually don't have any olives, or any food items, on the...

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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your ar...

Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

What do you call spaghetti you have acquired?

Spaghotti

Maybe caviar is an acquired taste...

... and I am not rich enough to acquire it.





Dead baby jokes are an acquired taste...

...much like the babies themselves.

While married to Rose, we acquired house, cars, jewelry, retirement accounts. And with the divorce,

everything is coming up *ROSE's*!!

I have no idea how my first submission of this came to be flaired "Religion"... so I deleted it.

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.

1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.

1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.

1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).

1....

EA just acquired a new video game license...

Fallout

An Arab prince acquires a dairy farm

He's known far and wide as the Milk Sheikh

Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?

Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.

Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?

Me: No, my relationship.

I bet they are ferocious

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.


She asked, "What are their names?"


The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."


Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"


"Hellloo...

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ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

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Palette Cleanser

The first time Charlie ate dinner with his girlfriend's family, her mom prepared a huge pot of soup for the whole family. The dad, mom, and little brother were all there. Although Charlie couldn't identify the exact contents, it smelled pretty good, and Charlie hadn't eaten all day. Everyone was eag...

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

Why do gingers buy so many shoes?

It's the only legal way to acquire soles.

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

I wanted to hire a singing group for a wedding

So I called an event planning company (EPC) and asked them about the rates.

Me - How much to hire a singing group?
EPC - Oh, you mean a choir?
Me - Uhhhhh fine, how much to acquire a singing group ?

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Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

An old woman has done everything she ever wanted in life...

So she decides to commit suicide. She acquired a gun and, unsure of how best to do the deed, she calls her doctor.
“Doctor” she asks, “where exactly would I find my heart?”
“In the left side of your chest, just below the nipple.” The Doctor replies.
She hangs up before the doctor can ask ...

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

A Farmer Sends his Son to Town for Supplies

He tells him to visit the commons as there are sure to be reputable merchants selling their wares at this time of year.

But on the way the son gets waylaid by a strange man with big flashy signs advertising the latest in imported tools. All his neighbors are also there buying this man's tools...

There once was a cow from Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the ...

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Frank, an aerospace engineer, purchases an old iPod and fills it with his favorite bands...

He's in his office trying to get his newly acquired gadget to work when the janitor, Joe, walks into the office and asks, "Hey man, what are you listening to?"


Frank replies, "Nothing yet! I can't get this damn thing to work! Can you help me?"


Joe decides to gives it a shot, s...

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons...

If they acquire my parent’s divorce, they will own my entire childhood...

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

A scientist is in his lab...

So one day a scientist is in his lab, and he's stressed out. How will he get his next grant so he can do an experiment and feed his family for a while longer? He decides to take a small nap...

Then it hit him. After several all-nighters he came up with a prototype for **The World's First Trul...

They say that coffee is like my sense of humor.

It’s an acquired taste.

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You gota map?

An old pilot regains his desire to fly, so he acquires all of the needed certifications to fly for a popular airline. Sitting down as a first officer, waiting for the lead pilot, a younger flight officer takes a seat at a small table behind the old aviator. The old man asks "who are you" to which ...

Mitt Romney and the King of Saudi-Arabia are having a dinner party...

...the mood of the night is very good and after they spent a while talking about what new amazing things they have bought for themselves and the amount of money they managed to acquire in the past year, as well as all sorts of political matters they come to some lighter topics.
So the King says t...

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I acquired this one.

Russian foodie joke

A guy sitting in a restaurant in Moscow orders quail. When it arrives, using two spoons he carefully opens and peers into the rear of bird and announces, "This is not a quail. It is a simple chicken: born in Saint Petersburg, age: 3 years. Please, waiter, bring me a quail!"

Each subsequent d...

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An intern's first day on a pirate ship...

A pirate and his protege are together on a ship. The protege asks the pirate, "Barnabus, how did you get that peg leg?"
The pirate replied "I was in a rigorous battle, attempting to plunder another ship. Out of nowhere came a cannonball, and blew my leg square off!"
"Well then, how did you acq...

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Native American Names

A Native American child was curious as to how he had received his name. So he went to speak to his father, the chieftain of the tribe.

"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name?"

The noble chieftain began a long narrative for his youngest son.

"Well, my son, I named...

"Just a Head"

So there was once a child and he had a terrible, terrible birth defect where he was only a head. On his 21st Birthday, his father took him to bar to get his first drink and of course the bodiless kid was excited to get drunk for the first time. The father places his son on the bar and orders him a b...

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There are three priests at an airport...

Three priests are traveling home from a trip to the Vatican. They have yet to purchase tickets when they get to the airport, so the youngest priest volunteers to purchase them for the rest of the group.

As he walks up to the counter, he notices that the lady working there has a very large bo...

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Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

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The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting item...

Eleven

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his f...

The Parrot Joke.

!Okay, so, this single fellow in his mid forties has a parrot. He just recently acquired his new feathered friend at the local aviary. However recently the creature has been acting strange. It swears endlessly all day. The man does not swear around the bird and can't understand where it picked u...

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The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW)

So this guy breeds exceptionally rare, prized pigs, pigs that people from across the world seek to acquire.

One day, as he was sailing with a group of pigs to over-sea market, a nasty storm rolled in. His ship capsizes, and the man wakes up on the shore of a desert island with only one pig, ...

A city man hears there is money in pig farming..

..And decides to start his own pig farm. He goes to the local pig farm to get his first pig. The farmer there tells him that the pigs are a dollar per pound. The city man feels this is a fair price and picks out a pig. The farmer goes over, grabs the pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig up. Af...

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