This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues

Only retards do that

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

My friend has an issue with the perfect inflection of the Star of David.

He's anti-symmetric.

My girlfriend told me I have control issues...

So I pulled tighter on her leash.

If two vegans have an issue with each other...

Is it still called a 'beef' ?

In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

I was having issues getting my phone audio to connect to my car stereo

So I changed the name of my device to "Titanic".

Now its syncing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I called my boss at work and said I can't come in and that I'm taking a sick day. He said he wanted to know what the issue was.

I told him "I'm fucking my sister." My boss said "You're doing what? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I said" I told you I'm sick."

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

How do you send a girl with daddy issues over the edge?

Hi coming, I'm dad.

Fred and Wilma are having marital issues...

Their marriage is on the rocks

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI

He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.

How do spiders diagnose health issues?

they use WebMD

Therapist: What's the issue?

Dave: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Dave: That's right

What do you call it when an iguana has intimacy issues?

A reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My two friends are dating and are toxic for each other. The only time i see them is together because of their trust issues...

Or when I'm fucking his girlfriend.

When I was young, I wanted to grow up to have no money issues

Now that I'm an adult, I have no money *and* issues.

Why do Catholic girls have body image issues?

Because the impossibly thin body of Christ is literally shoved in their faces.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

Two politicians are debating an issue

The first politician yells “You’re lying!”

The second politician says “Yes I am but hear me out!”

My wife has rejection issues. She asked me to help by rejecting her from time to time.

I said no.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you say to your uncle Ted who is an asshole and has issues with drugs?

You're a dick Ted.

My doctor says I have aggression issues

Next time he says that he won't get away with only a broken nose!

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.

Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set

His password is “ParisLondonMickeyMouse”

Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyway...

There are some issues with the top floor of my house...

It's problem-attic.

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

My three biggest relationship issues are

1. Commitment issues

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

A lot of people think apartheid is a complicated issue

But i think it's pretty black and white

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pul...

I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

What do you call an electrical engineer trying to solve an issue?

Sherlock Ohms

My girlfriend says I have commitment issues!

Well, technically she's my wife.

I have trust issues

Been wearing them for 3 years now. Good as new

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

My girlfriend got sick of my self esteem issues and ran off with my best friend.

The worst part is they were both imaginary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde meet for coffee to talk about issues they are having with their daughters.

The brunette says “I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, and I found a bottle of alcohol under her bed. I didn’t even know she drank!”

The redhead says, “well when I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, I found a pack of cigarettes under her bed. I didn’t even know she smok...

Bob Dylan misspoke and would like to issue a correction

"It was me you were looking for, babe."

story about a couple who had been happily married for years with one issue

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morni...

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

Weight issues

Kid wakes up in the middle of the night to hear creaking from his parents bedroom. He slowly walks down the hallway to see what’s causing it. Peeks through the crack of the door of his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of daddy. Satisfied in knowing where the noise is coming ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

*After Breakup due to commitment issues*

Girlfriend : You're an unreliable pathetic fuck. I'm leaving! Bye!
Me : Can't say adieu.

What do you call the opposite of a hypochondriac, someone who isn't scared of health issues at all?

Dead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

I found a useful website for people with commitment issues.

But I didn't want to sign up.

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

A small issue

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions

Most of them have already had management training

Why do you never see doctors with anger issues?

Because they just lose their patients.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and a wife is having issue in the bedroom

An ancient Egyptian couple are having sex. After a while, the wife becomes annoyed and tells her husband, "It's too damn hot in here! I can't come. Call the slave boy in and have him fan us".

The slave boy comes in and starts fanning, but it's no use, and the husband can barely continue anymo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple are having some sex issues....

.....The wife is always prepared for it at the end of the day, but the husband just doesn’t have the libido he had in their younger days. The wife does her best to work solo, but no matter what, she is never really satisfied.
To correct this issue, the wife decides to see a specialist wi...

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I named my WiFi network after my wife.

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

An economist was asked in a talk about how to solve 3 issues

"How would you solve the inevitable future problems of overpopulation, water and employment?"

"Well" he says, "In the future when the water get scarce, we will probably go to war so it can be secured, which will solve the employment problem, and the population should go down as well."

What is a horse politician most important issue?

A stable economy


(Incert sitcom laugh track)

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

THIS IS A PREMIUM JOKE
--------------------------
IN ORDER TO VIEW THIS JOKE
CONTACT YOUR ISP TO
UPGRADE YOUR SERVICE

Starting at just: $60.00/month

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.

​

In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

​

The h...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

The Net Neutrality issue made me come to the sad realization...

I'll finally have to start paying for movies I get from Pirate Bay.

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."

Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"

Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's ...

My wife and I were having some marital issues but we have moved on.

We have been doing it doggy style a lot lately, too much if you ask me. I guess I shouldn’t complain. Her strap on, her rules.

About the issue of celebrities getting their nudes leaked...

On one hand, I fell really bad for them as that's their reputation on the line and possibly their career.

On the other hand however, well, that hand was busy.

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues:

'Wide Open Spaces'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Women say I have commitment issues because of my unhealthy relationship with my father

But I still talk to my dad all the time, our sex life has never been better.

I told my wife that I think we have communication issues.

She hung up on me!

Had an issue with how the latest season of Game of Thrones ended:

Bit of an auntie climax don't you think?

Little Johnny & his mortgage issues

Little Johnny asked his dad for a $100 bike for his birthday. Johnny's dad said, "We have an $90,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $100 bike!" Three days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His dad asks him why he's le...

An 86 year old man goes to the doctor with a perplexing issue...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said,
>Things are great and I've never felt better.
>I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
>So what do you think about that Doc?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then beg...

I was once addicted to commitment issues.

I quit before it got serious.

I joined a BPD support group to deal with my abandonment issues.

But I didn't deserve those beautiful losers, so I left them.

My wife said I'm lucky because I don't have to deal with women issues; periods, birth control, menopause...

Yeah, but you get to live longer.

A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.

After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told...

I don't understand why my coworkers get so upset when I joke about medical issues. Yesterday I made one about multiple sclerosis...

and that *really* got people bent out of shape.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Now that things are getting serious between my girlfriend and I, I decided it was time to have a good long talk with her about my premature ejaculation issues...

honestly she was really cool about it, and it only lasted a few seconds.

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...