Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

I stopped a fight from happening at work today. I made the two guy see sense and talk through their personal issues like grown adults.

The promoters were furious and fired me from my job as a referee.

I have a very debilitating issue the doctors are calling “Irish constipation”

I can’t pass a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I have trust issues.

I don't believe her though, because she's crazy.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

PP Issue

Husband comes home drunk and pees ALL over everything in the bathroom.

When he wakes up in the morning, his wife is super angry.

He asks "Why are you so ticked off". She looks at him with hands on her hips and says-

"**Urine Trouble**"

Why did the bankrupt woman have hearing issues?

Her money was in arrears

Why doesn't the Church take the issue with priests molesting children seriously?

Because it's a minor problem.

Me and my blind friend argue a lot about small issues.

Apparently, we don't see eye-to-eye on anything.

My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

Archeologists make pretty bad lovers

I guess they have mummy issues

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

If Pakistan PM Imran Khan could resolve Kashmir issue with dialogue,

he wouldn't have married three times.

Why does everyone have such an issue with Russian satellites?

It’s none of our business if they want to build a Death Tzar

Why is parking at game companies such an issue?

They have loading zones only.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said a small dick is a non issue in our relationship

Still wish she hadn't got one...

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

Someone told me I have anger issues

Lets just say they wont be saying that anymore

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

Did you hear the local ATM was having issues?

It was having withdrawal symptoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

The management at my laundromat has been having some issues lately, and as a result, have been slow on getting items back

I need my suit on Sunday so I hope they've ironed things out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

Tommy has an issue

It's okay, Hilfiger it out


Sorry if this is a repost

Back in the 60s,my little brother thought he could communicate with the trees and i used to think he had some mental issues...

That is until i was drafted to Vietnam

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

If two vegans have an issue with each other...

Is it still called a 'beef' ?

Huawei issue is quite simple really

It's either Trump's way or the Huawei.

Maintenance issues

Husband: (Calling up the hotel reception) Please come to my room immediately. My wife and I are having an argument and she just threatened to jump out of the hotel window.

Receptionist: Sir, I apologize but since this is a personal issue, we cannot interfere.

Husband: You asshat! The...

In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

I have such issues with Panic! At The Disco.

They’re teaching people to follow a single path when really, you can panic anywhere.

My girlfriend told me I have control issues...

So I pulled tighter on her leash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called my boss at work and said I can't come in and that I'm taking a sick day. He said he wanted to know what the issue was.

I told him "I'm fucking my sister." My boss said "You're doing what? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I said" I told you I'm sick."

I was having issues getting my phone audio to connect to my car stereo

So I changed the name of my device to "Titanic".

Now its syncing.

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI

He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.

Fred and Wilma are having marital issues...

Their marriage is on the rocks

How do you send a girl with daddy issues over the edge?

Hi coming, I'm dad.

My wife has rejection issues. She asked me to help by rejecting her from time to time.

I said no.

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

My friend has an issue with the perfect inflection of the Star of David.

He's anti-symmetric.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: What's the issue?

Dave: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Dave: That's right

When I was young, I wanted to grow up to have no money issues

Now that I'm an adult, I have no money *and* issues.

How do spiders diagnose health issues?

they use WebMD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My two friends are dating and are toxic for each other. The only time i see them is together because of their trust issues...

Or when I'm fucking his girlfriend.

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.

Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set

His password is “ParisLondonMickeyMouse”

Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyway...

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

What do you call it when an iguana has intimacy issues?

A reptile dysfunction

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

A lot of people think apartheid is a complicated issue

But i think it's pretty black and white

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say to your uncle Ted who is an asshole and has issues with drugs?

You're a dick Ted.

Why do Catholic girls have body image issues?

Because the impossibly thin body of Christ is literally shoved in their faces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

Two politicians are debating an issue

The first politician yells “You’re lying!”

The second politician says “Yes I am but hear me out!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pul...

My doctor says I have aggression issues

Next time he says that he won't get away with only a broken nose!

There are some issues with the top floor of my house...

It's problem-attic.

An Old Man and a Young Man are watching a play. The young man having issues with his wife, notices the Old Man staring at him. When he asks what’s wrong, the old man replies:

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of ...

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

My girlfriend says I have commitment issues!

Well, technically she's my wife.

story about a couple who had been happily married for years with one issue

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde meet for coffee to talk about issues they are having with their daughters.

The brunette says “I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, and I found a bottle of alcohol under her bed. I didn’t even know she drank!”

The redhead says, “well when I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, I found a pack of cigarettes under her bed. I didn’t even know she smok...

What do you call an electrical engineer trying to solve an issue?

Sherlock Ohms

I have trust issues

Been wearing them for 3 years now. Good as new

My girlfriend got sick of my self esteem issues and ran off with my best friend.

The worst part is they were both imaginary.

My three biggest relationship issues are

1. Commitment issues

I found a useful website for people with commitment issues.

But I didn't want to sign up.

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

Bob Dylan misspoke and would like to issue a correction

"It was me you were looking for, babe."

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*After Breakup due to commitment issues*

Girlfriend : You're an unreliable pathetic fuck. I'm leaving! Bye!
Me : Can't say adieu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and a wife is having issue in the bedroom

An ancient Egyptian couple are having sex. After a while, the wife becomes annoyed and tells her husband, "It's too damn hot in here! I can't come. Call the slave boy in and have him fan us".

The slave boy comes in and starts fanning, but it's no use, and the husband can barely continue anymo...

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

What do you call the opposite of a hypochondriac, someone who isn't scared of health issues at all?

Dead.

For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

THIS IS A PREMIUM JOKE
--------------------------
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CONTACT YOUR ISP TO
UPGRADE YOUR SERVICE

Starting at just: $60.00/month

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

This will give 1 or 2% a chuckle...

Two milk cartons and a bottle of creamer were discussing an issue:

Whole: I think we’ve covered the Whole thing.

Skim: Really? We just Skimmed over it.

Creamer: I would normally side with Whole on this point, but I’m actually Half and Half.

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

What is a horse politician most important issue?

A stable economy


(Incert sitcom laugh track)

Why do you never see doctors with anger issues?

Because they just lose their patients.

It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions

Most of them have already had management training

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

A small issue

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

An economist was asked in a talk about how to solve 3 issues

"How would you solve the inevitable future problems of overpopulation, water and employment?"

"Well" he says, "In the future when the water get scarce, we will probably go to war so it can be secured, which will solve the employment problem, and the population should go down as well."

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

An 86 year old man goes to the doctor with a perplexing issue...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said,
>Things are great and I've never felt better.
>I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
>So what do you think about that Doc?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then beg...

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