UPJOKE
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The issue with Cocaine is...

...that its EXACTLY what its cracked up to be

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A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

Apparently I have “boundary issues”

At least that’s what my neighbor wrote in his journal anyway

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An Amish kid has a medical issue...

An Amish kid has a medical issue that necessitates a hospital visit in the big city. The family travels to the big city for the very first time, and the mother heads to the check-in desk at the hospital.

Meantime the father and son see a metal door on a wall. An elderly woman on crutches push...

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

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My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...

Me: Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: The commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

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Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

50 Jokes for 50 US States

# ALABAMA

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

'...

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

I stopped my wife from waiving down our server at the Indian restaurant when they forgot the bread...

We got rice dishes so it was a naan-issue.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused.

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part V

# California

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) want to see who is the best at catching perps. So, a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.

In goes CIA. They place...

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.

The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can’t find a better man.

I don’t get why so many people have an issue with The Kardashians show.

I like to compare it to the Lego movie with all of the plastic parts moving around

My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother

Runs in the family

Ducking the issue

Him: What kind of duck is that one over there?
Me: Eider, no?
Him: Me neither.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Programmers don't change light bulbs. Broken light bulbs are a hardware issue.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1) How to tell this to my wife

2) Where to find a 1 year old baby

A soldier in the middle of a war walks up to his commander...

"Commander, I have an issue. What am I doing here?"

The commander stunned, answered:

"What do you mean? You're here because you're at war with the enemy!"

The soldier looked around and asked:

"Who is my enemy?"

The commander irritatingly pointed to the enemy base.<...

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.

I refused to come inside.

I told my son I couldn't make curry one night because we didn't have flatbread.He asked why?

I told him it was a naan issue.

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

A teacher asks a “dumb” student a question…

“If I give you 5 apples and take 3, what will you have?” “Trust issues”

Two nuns walk into a bar.

The bartender is surprised and then asks them

"I'm sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?"

"We know it's not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here."

The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender a...

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze.

(Roughly translated from a recent issue of *Acadie Nouvelle*)

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A man goes to a psychiatrist

A man goes to a psychiatrist for a variety of psychological issues.

During the interview the subject of sex comes up.

The doctor asked him how often do you have intercourse with your wife?
Three times a week he replied.

And what's your favorite position that you both enjoy?...

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

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A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"

She replies, "All of them."

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

“Just hit my hand as hard as you can”

Two workers were digging underground at a construction site . It was really a tiring job.

Worker A: “Why the hell we need to do all the hard job here for only a meager pay, while that arrogant foreman just sits there sipping the tea so comfy, and pockets much more than us?”

Worker B, ...

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

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I think my roommate wants to kick me out.

Therapist: "You're single, and live alone with your cat?"

Me: "Yeah, but I can tell she's done putting up with all my mental health
issues."

A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.

I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains.

“I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”

“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”

“No, I meant are you taking a...

Mom finds chains and whips in sons room

So she goes and ask her husband what they should do about his bdsm issue. The dad says, “well I definitely wouldn’t spank him”

How can you tell if a tiktoker has mental health issues?

They'll tell you.

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The knob - Long

A rich older woman had an addiction to plastic surgery and would go to her surgeons office regularly for little touchups here and there. One day she went in and asked about a full facelift. Her surgeon suggested, instead of getting the facelift, he could install the knob for her.

What's the k...

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

Coal

Its a burning issue

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A prostitute goes to see a gynecologist with severe stomach pains....

After she had stripped off and the doctor had examined her, he said "The issue is with your aviaries". She said "Don't you mean ovaries doctor?" He replied "No, there's been a cockatoo in there!"

A woman went to her doctor

She complained of hearing loss and digestive issues.

After a cursory examination, the doctor found something very unusual.

"Ma'am, you're NOT going deaf in your left ear. You, uh... appear to have a suppository stuck in there."

The woman paused for a moment and then yelled "Wel...

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Santa’s reindeer had an issue with their dinner reservation.

The restaurant simply refused to seat the Donner party.

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

Why are all the nuclear byproducts such an issue?

They are not. Just barium.

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What is the worst issue facing cannibal couples?

Oral sex.

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

I thought people would take issue with my having two wives.

But everyone said it was awful bigamy.

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

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3 elders were discussing issues with their age.

The first man says “60 is the worst age to be. You always feel like you have to pee, but then whenever you go to the toilet, nothing comes out!. It’s so frustrating!”

The second woman says “Ah, that’s nothing. 70 is way worse. I always feel like I have to poop, but whenever I go to the toilet...

A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom ...

Thailand and China could not agree on trade relations,

China would not accept the official Thai Baht currency, but Thailand saw that China would readily accept South Korean Won with no problems.

Thailand decided they would try to get around the issue by purchasing a large amount of Korean *Won* to use for international trading,

But China s...

My friend says he wants to sleep with Cleopatra

I think he just has mummy issues.

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

At one point, playboy tried to capitalize on the MILF craze but was wildly unsuccessful.

It turns out nobody wants to ask the person running the register if they got the *Mommy Issues.*

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

Some homeless man got overly angry with me when i said i have never heard of the newspaper he was selling

I don’t know what the big issue was

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

A chicken farmers’ chickens suddenly stop laying eggs one day…

He waits until the next day and still no eggs. A week goes by and still no eggs.

Worriedly, he calls a friend that is a biologist. The biologist comes over and takes temperatures of the chickens, takes stool samples and blood samples, and goes back to his lab. A week later the biologist ...

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

Surround yourself with people who have issues....

People who have issues, always have alcohol.

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

What do you call it when a Necromancer has issues raising the dead?

Resurrectile Disfunction!

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A man is having marital issues...

A man is having marital issues with his wife, and as a result they go to a marriage counselor.

The counselor says, "The best thing my wife and I ever did for out marriage was to avoid sex for a month. It forces you two to see if you're compatible."

The woman immediately agrees, and th...

Underage drinking is a big issue in my house.

My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

Littering is a massive issue where I live.

If only it had been picked up sooner.

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

Strange medical issue

Guy, suddenly feeling quite 'off ' makes an appointment to see his doctor. When he finally sees his doctor, the doc asks "so what's going on?". The guy replies "well doc, it's weird but I can suddenly tell future". Perplexed, the doctor asks "well when did this start?" The man replies "next Tuesday"...

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

The Electric Bus

It’s a new day in the world of public school transportation as the fleet has been switched over to electric powered buses. Everything has been working out wonderfully except for ongoing issues with bus 118.

Not every day, but at least once a week, bus 118 would be out on it’s run when there ...

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

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My girlfriend told me that a small penis isn't an issue

I still wish she didn't have one

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

TIL that Tibetan leaders can issue special forgiveness to buxom country music singers

It's known as the Dalai Pardon

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

The Age Factor

(Taken from Reader's Digest Year:1998)

Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognised the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I...

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?



one to issue the requisition form LB24, one to sign the work order DF69, three to consult with management and reject both forms as not applicable to maintenance as per regulations. Seventeen to form a fact finding committee to discuss the overuse of LB24,after ten months of debate, there wi...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

A tribal island nation in the pacific…

A tribal island nation in the pacific make their riches by trading cocoa beans with other civilisations. The chief of the tribe one day looks upon all the gold they have accumulated and decides that he must do something to show his affluence. His consults his advisor and decides on a nice throne, bu...

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My girlfriend said that a little dick shouldn't be an issue

Easy for her to say, I'm the one getting pegged

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

I was told I had Trust Issues,

I don’t believe it though.

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

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I told the doctor about my issues...

My stress, restlessness, problems falling asleep, anxiety about sex.

He said: The cure is coming.

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

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I’m going to a support group tonight for my issue with Premature Ejaculation

I’m not sure what to wear, so I’ll probably just come in my pants

My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.

Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

My boyfriend left me for my anxiety issues....

Edit: Oh, wait, he just went to the bathroom.

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