UPJOKE
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My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

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My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

The issue with Cocaine is...

...that its EXACTLY what its cracked up to be

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

What is the most common digestive issue among pathological liars?

IBS!!

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.

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Me and my wife agree that I am having some erectile disfunction issues.

Our approaches, however, are different. She bought me a pack of Viagra. I bought her a gym membership.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused.

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

Farting Issues

Patient: Doctor, every time I pass gas, the room fills up with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: Get some rest. You're just exhausted.

Hulk Hogan had to overcome serious mental issues in order to be famous.

He had to..wrestle mania.

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

I have issues with the central dogmas of the major abrahamic religions.

But I have no beef with hindus.

Ducking the issue

Him: What kind of duck is that one over there?
Me: Eider, no?
Him: Me neither.

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An Amish kid has a medical issue...

An Amish kid has a medical issue that necessitates a hospital visit in the big city. The family travels to the big city for the very first time, and the mother heads to the check-in desk at the hospital.

Meantime the father and son see a metal door on a wall. An elderly woman on crutches push...

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

My girlfriend said I have "body odour issues" all the time when she gets home.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her. "I shower after every shift."

She said, "You only work one day a week."

An 86 year old man goes to the doctor with a perplexing issue...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said,
>Things are great and I've never felt better.
>I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
>So what do you think about that Doc?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then beg...

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

Apparently I have “boundary issues”

At least that’s what my neighbor wrote in his journal anyway

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

Strange medical issue

Guy, suddenly feeling quite 'off ' makes an appointment to see his doctor. When he finally sees his doctor, the doc asks "so what's going on?". The guy replies "well doc, it's weird but I can suddenly tell future". Perplexed, the doctor asks "well when did this start?" The man replies "next Tuesday"...

In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

I just figured out why airlines are having staffing issues.

The whole crew keeps taking off!

The amount of short people with anger issues has always striken me as weird

Specially considering that they are the ones that should be more down to earth

What do you call it when a Necromancer has issues raising the dead?

Resurrectile Disfunction!

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

Why does the Pillsbury Dough Boy have so many health issues?

Because he was inbread.

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

What do you get when the government gets involved in digestive issues.

An enema of the state.

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What is the worst issue facing cannibal couples?

Oral sex.

Why are all the nuclear byproducts such an issue?

They are not. Just barium.

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

Littering is a massive issue where I live.

If only it had been picked up sooner.

Santa’s reindeer had an issue with their dinner reservation.

The restaurant simply refused to seat the Donner party.

Underage drinking is a big issue in my house.

My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.

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My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

I thought people would take issue with my having two wives.

But everyone said it was awful bigamy.

I don’t get why so many people have an issue with The Kardashians show.

I like to compare it to the Lego movie with all of the plastic parts moving around

Race is a complex issue

It's not just black and white

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Went to Switzerland and I had such a delightful time. Only issue was, I paid $100 for a cup of coffee and a blowjob

What kind of absurd country charges $98 dollars for a cup of coffee?

PP Issue

Husband comes home drunk and pees ALL over everything in the bathroom.

When he wakes up in the morning, his wife is super angry.

He asks "Why are you so ticked off". She looks at him with hands on her hips and says-

"**Urine Trouble**"

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

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My girlfriend said that a little dick shouldn't be an issue

Easy for her to say, I'm the one getting pegged

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A man is having marital issues...

A man is having marital issues with his wife, and as a result they go to a marriage counselor.

The counselor says, "The best thing my wife and I ever did for out marriage was to avoid sex for a month. It forces you two to see if you're compatible."

The woman immediately agrees, and th...

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

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Therapist: What's the issue?

Dave: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Dave: That's right

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3 elders were discussing issues with their age.

The first man says “60 is the worst age to be. You always feel like you have to pee, but then whenever you go to the toilet, nothing comes out!. It’s so frustrating!”

The second woman says “Ah, that’s nothing. 70 is way worse. I always feel like I have to poop, but whenever I go to the toilet...

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What did the guy with anger issues say when he got his prescription for a laxative?

“If take this I’d lose my shit!”

Surround yourself with people who have issues....

People who have issues, always have alcohol.

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues

I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”

My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother

Runs in the family

I was told I had Trust Issues,

I don’t believe it though.

How can you tell if a tiktoker has mental health issues?

They'll tell you.

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

commitment issues

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues...

I'll show him.

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A guy goes to a doctor with a tapeworm issue

A doctor says:

" There's a new groundbreaking treatment that will help you to get rid of it. Works 100% of the time. Every morning, eat a cookie and drink a glass of milk. Do it for three days. Then on a fourth day drink a glass of milk only"

The guy sure follows the instructions. Has ...

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

A small issue

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

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Hygiene was an issue at the farm

John, the farmer was an old man who couldn't tend to his farm any more. His children had left for the city for greener pastures.
Few years back his wife passed away of old age.

Seeing the farm in neglect, all the domesticed animals on the farm called for an urgent meeting.

The cow, ...

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A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

New Father Issues

A husband rushes into the hospital after being told his wife is giving birth.
The doctor meets him in the waiting room and hands him his newborn son.

"Congratulations on the birth of your son sir, but, I'm afraid your wife didn't make it." the doctor sadly informs him.

"Well," the...

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I told the doctor about my issues...

My stress, restlessness, problems falling asleep, anxiety about sex.

He said: The cure is coming.

TIL that Tibetan leaders can issue special forgiveness to buxom country music singers

It's known as the Dalai Pardon

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

Huawei issue is quite simple really

It's either Trump's way or the Huawei.

Why do world travelers have bladder issues?

They're in continents.

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.

I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains.

“I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”

“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”

“No, I meant are you taking a...

A Serious Issue

Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

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Some of my friends told me, I have an alcohol issue, but that's bullshit.

The problem doesn't come until there is no alcohol.

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

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Evolution of bowel issues

The evolution of communication about stomach issues with your significant other:

Dating: Sorry, I can’t go out. I don’t feel so well tonight.

Engaged: I need to stay home honey. My tummy hurts.

Newlyweds: Ohhh. I don’t think that food agreed with me. I’m not feeling so well. Ta...

story about a couple who had been happily married for years with one issue

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morni...

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

If two vegans have an issue with each other...

Is it still called a 'beef' ?

Why does the mule have daddy issues?

His dad is an ass

Two politicians are debating an issue

The first politician yells “You’re lying!”

The second politician says “Yes I am but hear me out!”

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

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I’m going to a support group tonight for my issue with Premature Ejaculation

I’m not sure what to wear, so I’ll probably just come in my pants

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

Why is parking at game companies such an issue?

They have loading zones only.

Maintenance issues

Husband: (Calling up the hotel reception) Please come to my room immediately. My wife and I are having an argument and she just threatened to jump out of the hotel window.

Receptionist: Sir, I apologize but since this is a personal issue, we cannot interfere.

Husband: You asshat! The...

How to make a person with anger issues angry?

Tell them that they have anger issues.

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

The FDA has issued guidelines on animal testing

All companies testing on rats are encouraged to switch to lawyers, for the following reasons:

1. They are easier to breed

2. Nobody cares what happens to them

3. There are some things rats just won't do

My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.

I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

A man is having issues getting his van to start

So he googles mechanics in his area.

He stumbles upon this one called Vincent's Van Repair.

"Hmm, I've never heard of this one but they do on the spot repairs so it's probably my best bet"

He calls them the next morning and the mechanic comes to his house around 11am.

He ...

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My wife has been bugging me about my constipation issue lately

I don't give a shit.

Why do men with prostate issues have issues stealing video game systems?

Because they have trouble taking a Wii.

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.

The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can’t find a better man.

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The biggest issue with being the child of a Japanese dad and a Mom from Hawaii...

Is that every year around this day, you feel the overwhelming need to attack yourself.

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

A dry salad is an issue

That definitely needs a dressing

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

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Terrorism is a serious issue

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 194...

If Pakistan PM Imran Khan could resolve Kashmir issue with dialogue,

he wouldn't have married three times.

a question about racial issues, concerning the police.

is sting's fake Jamaican accent problematic?

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

Interviewer: What is your stance on women's rights and issues

Trump: Look, I know a lot of women, and they all have issues, next question..

I have a very debilitating issue the doctors are calling “Irish constipation”

I can’t pass a bar.

Why does Doctor Strange never have WiFi issues?

He uses æthernet

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The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

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Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

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