UPJOKE
surveylearnconsiderreadsubjectmeditatecontemplateworkauditexamineresearchreportanalyzeanalysediagnose

Study Jokes

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it
upvote downvote report

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...
upvote downvote report

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”
upvote downvote report

The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.

The results were staggering!
upvote downvote report

Accordion to a recent study...

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,
upvote downvote report

A few years ago I was studying abroad...

...in Egypt. I was attending a beautiful university in the capital city, having a wonderful time.

One day I had a pretty important test to take, and I stayed up way too late cramming for it. I slept terribly and woke up with a crick in my neck and pain all throughout my back and shoulders. <...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Ger...

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
upvote downvote report

Study shows that...

Study shows that if you say 'study shows that' before saying a statement, people are 56% more likely to believe you and this number can increase to 71% if you add a random statistical data and to further amp up this number to 82.3% you can include decimals in that number as well.
upvote downvote report

Studying History makes you numb

but studying Mathematics makes you number.
upvote downvote report

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
upvote downvote report

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...
upvote downvote report

A new study shows that 11 out of 5 people are bad at fractions.

This looks like a math joke until you find out the other 4 people are Mike, Dustin, Lucas and Will.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
...

Why did the horse want to study genetics

Because he liked DN-neigh
upvote downvote report

Don't drink water while studying...

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new study has shown 85% of men masturbate daily.

Coincidentally, the same study showed that 15% of men are pathological liars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Study finds what makes a perfect sandwich.

Your mom after sex!

Why don't Jewish girls study on their period?

Concentration Cramps
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was in bible study one morning.

Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.
The teacher asks Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny pokes her in the ass with a pin and she yells "Jesus Christ!" And falls back to sleep.
A little while later the teacher asks Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the ass again w...

A recent police study found that..

you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
upvote downvote report

A recent study has found out that humans eat more bananas than monkeys..

Which makes sense. I don’t think I have ever eaten a monkey.
upvote downvote report

Studying at Oxford.

I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didn't finish it.

I got up to 'P'.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

Why shouldn't you study French philosophy before Roman poetry?

Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.
upvote downvote report

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…
upvote downvote report

What do you call the formal study of pasta?

Linguinistics.

I'll show myself out.
upvote downvote report

Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...
upvote downvote report

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
upvote downvote report

New study

A new study released today shows that 9 out of 10 people who study sign language says it’s handy
upvote downvote report

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...
upvote downvote report

What's the singular of "Women's Studies?"

Study abroad.
upvote downvote report

Einstein spent 10 years studying gravity.

It must have weighed heavily on him.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting...

30% of women think their ass is too fat,

10% of women think their ass is too skinny,

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

What do you call the study of an Alabaman’s family tree?

Incestry
upvote downvote report

I've been studying Zeno's paradoxes for the last two years...

And I am already half way there.
upvote downvote report

Nothing is better than studying

That's why i do nothing.
upvote downvote report

I was doing a study on whether women are open to dating short guys

The 2 most common resposes were

1. Who are you
2. How did you get in my house
upvote downvote report

A mother is helping her son study physics

She asked him "Do you know Newton?"
He said no.

She said " if you had been paying attention to your lessons, you would have known him."

The son asked her " do you know Rachel?"
She said no.

He said " if you had been paying attention to your husband, you would have known he...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published

The study noted that loss of habitat in the north pole has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviors towards other bears of both sex...

A study conducted on representation of persons with disabilities found that

blind people were 100% less likely to see themselves represented in the media
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

The Kinsey Institute once conducted a study on men's preferences for women's physical attributes.

5% of men reported liking long legs. 5% of liked short legs. And the other 90% liked something in between.
upvote downvote report

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."
upvote downvote report

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
upvote downvote report

A new scientific study claims that fertility is hereditary...

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.
upvote downvote report

Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out
upvote downvote report

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.
upvote downvote report

A new study found

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..
upvote downvote report

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...
upvote downvote report

2 college friends skip studying for Chemistry final to party

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?

Asstronomy

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.

Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in agai...

A doctor rushed out of his study room.

"Get me my bag!" he shouted.
"Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty young wife.
"Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me," he gasped as he reached for his hat.

The young wife sighed. "Just a moment," she said gently, "I think that call was for me.
upvote downvote report

When Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history...

Is it called genealogy or geology?
upvote downvote report

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around. A few days pass and the father calls the son.

\- Hows it going son? Having fun with your car?

\- No father. I am ashamed, everyone here gets around by train.

\- Dont embarrass me son....
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex

The other 7% have not been to jail.

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

My sister-in-law said her friend was studying abroad...

My brother quickly replied, "what's her name?"
upvote downvote report

What does a Capitalist Bat study in College?

Echonomics
upvote downvote report

What do you call the study of human regret?

Anthroapology
upvote downvote report

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.
upvote downvote report

A new study shown that 1l of beer cuts life for 5 hours

By my calculations, i died in 1872
upvote downvote report

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...
upvote downvote report

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.
upvote downvote report

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”
upvote downvote report

If a biologist studies biology and a nutritionist studies nutrition

Trump must be an expert at studying races.
upvote downvote report

Scientists recently did a study

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to c...
upvote downvote report

Studying the nature of Mars

A NASA scientist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's work going?" the bartender asks. "It's frustrating. We've been studying the planet Mars and trying to figure out how it went from having a warm and wet habitat to a cold and dry one," the scientist says. "So far, we don't have an answ...
upvote downvote report

I've decided to study abroad,

and her name is Brittany!
upvote downvote report

What does an incestuous physicist study?

The theory of relativity.
upvote downvote report

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD…

or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
upvote downvote report

I wanted to study about the reproductive organs of flowers

... until I learned there was a stigma attached
upvote downvote report

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.
upvote downvote report

What is the controlling design factor for the ceiling of a study room?

The attention span.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

onomastics, the study of names

Names like Johnson, Smithfield or Rodgers are fairly easy to explain.

I wonder how to explain the name: Dickinson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

Why is it a waste to study history?

Because there is no future in it.
upvote downvote report

Bible study

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher....
upvote downvote report

I wanted to study History at university, but I was advised not to.

People told me there's no future in it.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some worrying news for grammar Nazis, a new study shows...

that homophone misuse is at an awl thyme hi.

I wanted to study nihilism...

but meh, what's the point?
upvote downvote report

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...
upvote downvote report

Scientists were studying rams

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the g...
upvote downvote report

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read
upvote downvote report

My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid...

...just can't stop.
upvote downvote report

"I'm an entomologist; I study words."

"You mean an etymologist?" "...I'm not very good at it..."
upvote downvote report

Colleges are still offering study abroad courses...

...via Zoom meeting.
upvote downvote report

I didn’t study for chemistry

My chem teacher once asked me what S was on the periodic table, and I didn’t know so I said “the element of Surprise,” apparently he was surprised with my answer.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information