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Study Jokes

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How is studying similar to masturbating?

If you do it a lot of times a day it's not gonna be very hard. And when you finish it feels great

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The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published

The study noted that loss of habitat in the north pole has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviors towards other bears of both sex...

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The Penis Study

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to ...

Studying at Oxford.

I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didn't finish it.

I got up to 'P'.

The Kinsey Institute once conducted a study on men's preferences for women's physical attributes.

5% of men reported liking long legs. 5% of liked short legs. And the other 90% liked something in between.

The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.

The results were staggering!

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A new study has shown 85% of men masturbate daily.

Coincidentally, the same study showed that 15% of men are pathological liars.

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Quasi NSFW

A boy comes home from school at 7PM. His dad is PISSED.

"Where have you been?"

The son replies "I was at Megan's house. We were studying for tomorrow's algebra test."

He grabs a snack off the table and says "Wow, dad, these crab cakes are delicious!"

Dad says, "Go wash ...

A study conducted on representation of persons with disabilities found that

blind people were 100% less likely to see themselves represented in the media

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.

The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying t...

NYU has a new branch for studying comedy in the style of 3 Stooges

It’s called NYUK NYUK NYUK

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...

Why shouldn't you study French philosophy before Roman poetry?

Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.

A mother is helping her son study physics

She asked him "Do you know Newton?"
He said no.

She said " if you had been paying attention to your lessons, you would have known him."

The son asked her " do you know Rachel?"
She said no.

He said " if you had been paying attention to your husband, you would have known he...

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.

Studying History makes you numb

but studying Mathematics makes you number.

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

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Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

A recent study shows that the best place for corporations to do business in the US is St. Louis.

As they say, ..Missouri loves companies.

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What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?

Asstronomy

Go to health

A recent study shows that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.

My sister-in-law said her friend was studying abroad...

My brother quickly replied, "what's her name?"

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

Who is cheating?

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

• ⁠


Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

A new study shown that 1l of beer cuts life for 5 hours

By my calculations, i died in 1872

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A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

A recent police study found that..

you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

A study by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has determined that the most common first name on consumer complaints is actually "Sharon."

My kindergarten teacher was right. Sharon is Karen.

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

Does the International House of Pancakes answer to the United Nations or is it the other way around?

Serious answers only. I'm studying for my AP World History final.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Accordion to a recent study...

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,

The Daughter's Confession

Mandy asks her mother for a few minutes to have a serious conversation. Concerned for her college-age daughter, Nina stops what she's doing and makes them coffee. They sit for a few minutes, with Mandy looking nervous.

"What is it, sweetie?" her mother asks. You know you can tell me anything...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subjec...

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around. A few days pass and the father calls the son.

\- Hows it going son? Having fun with your car?

\- No father. I am ashamed, everyone here gets around by train.

\- Dont embarrass me son....

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

What is the controlling design factor for the ceiling of a study room?

The attention span.

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There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting...

30% of women think their ass is too fat,

10% of women think their ass is too skinny,

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm st...

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What do you call the study of lovebirds?

Hornithology

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

A doctor rushed out of his study room.

"Get me my bag!" he shouted.
"Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty young wife.
"Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me," he gasped as he reached for his hat.

The young wife sighed. "Just a moment," she said gently, "I think that call was for me.

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey...

The bartender gives him one, looks at him head to toe, and asks, "So, what did you dress up for this Halloween?"

The man replies, "A nine-carbon chain".

The bartender chuckles and says, "A nine-carbon chain with alcohol?"

"Yeah, any problem with that?"

"No, nonanol"
...

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

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A recent study has shown that men are more likely to procrastinate than women

except when it comes to orgasming


-credit Norm Macdonald SNL 1997

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

Arab student in Germany.

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million $ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans...

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

I took an astronomy class in college but it was harder than I expected.

I had to study day and night.

I wanted to study History at university, but I was advised not to.

People told me there's no future in it.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

What do you call the study of human regret?

Anthroapology

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident, is it considered..."

"...manslaughter?!"

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BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

What does a Capitalist Bat study in College?

Echonomics

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

there was a Saudi guy

Who was studying in Pennsylvania University.
His father was one of the richest Sheikh in middle East.
Everyday he comes to his college in his own Ferrari GT 250 while the others use public transport.
This makes him quite uncomfortable and sad.

One day he texts his dad and says " ...

No matter how much I study

I always get a B- on my blood test

Based on a true story

During the liberation of Kuwait many Kuwaitis named their children that were born during that time with related names to the event.

One of those names were, and I kid you not, "George Bush". Not as in George and the dad bush but literally a single first name George Bush.

Now this guy...

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

I have a theory that confirmation bias doesn't really exist

and I've found an obscure study that proves it.

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A freshman college woman is midway through the semester...

...and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid 40s man, and says "professor, I'll do anything to pass this class." The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and tal...

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

A study into the impact of minimum unit pricing of alcohol in Scotland found it did not cause major bulk buying across the border in England.

Mainly because the off-licenses wouldn't take Scottish notes.

How to make your life longer...

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said,

"We will all die someday, and none of us really know when, but if we did, we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

Everyone s...

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

Maker

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For...

I wanted to study about the reproductive organs of flowers

... until I learned there was a stigma attached

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

I got distracted while studying Reading a book about abdominal pain in the library last night

Someone ripped out the appendix

A man spends his days studying archeology at university, and his nights dreaming of someday finding a girlfriend.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never master the techniques of dating.

Eventually, his professors had to fail him.

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

Don't drink water while studying...

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.

A new study found

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

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Some worrying news for grammar Nazis, a new study shows...

that homophone misuse is at an awl thyme hi.

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

A new study indicates that listening to albums by the band Queen might be bad for your health.

They have a high Mercury content!

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

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