UPJOKE
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So few people today disassemble their watches, take away the hand showing seconds and sell it to other people

the second-hand second hand market is minute.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

What happens when you take away the ski from an eskimo?

He becomes emo.

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

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I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...

When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...

I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.

He replied with ‘Fuck off you piece of shit!’

I work in a prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mum always told me to lock the doors or else robbers are going to take away everything I have

Guess who'll lose his virginity tonight

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

what did the robot order at the take away place?

computer chips with a dessert of raspberry pi

What do you get when you take away a seal's electron?

A sealion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will that be dine-in or take away?

A bloke walked up to the counter and said "Burger & Chips thanks "

"Certainly sir" I said. "Will that be dine-in or take away?"

"Piss of ya bastard" he snapped before storming off with the food

I love working in the Prison Canteen!

The FCC is trying to take away Net Neutrality.

This isn’t a joke it’s real my dudes

Which take away food produces the most energy?

Fission chips.

How do you take away an Italian's freedom of speech?

Handcuff them

AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

If you have three tuna and take away one half, what do you have?

Two 'n' a half -OR- tuna half.

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan?

You take away the broom.

how do you stop an elephant from charging?

take away its credit card

A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch

What’s the worst thing you can do to a dog, and what’s the second worst thing you can do to a dog?

Take away his balls

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

How do you make a hot dog stand up?

You take away it’s chair

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

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The wife....

Thursday night had tickets to the theatre, but the wife didn't want to drive, so she phoned a cab......
Friday night got home from work and she didn't feel like cooking, so she phoned for a take away.....
Saturday night she said I have a headache no sex tonight... So I handed her the phone....

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

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Lil Johnny speeding past a bridge.

(This was a take away joke)

Officer: Do you know you were doing 80 in a 65?
Johnny: No, I apologize, I was just rushing to work.
Officer: What makes your job so important that you need to put peoples lives at risk, speeding along the roadway?
Johnny: I'm a rectum stretcher.
Office...

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

I always find maths jokes divisive but sometimes they add up

My main take away is that you have to move with the times

People ask me, "How do you relate to women so well?"

And I say, "I just think of a man, and then I take away reason and accountability."

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

How do you keep a skeleton from joking?

Take away his funny bone.

A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar

The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"

The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"

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