UPJOKE
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Claim Jokes

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer...

But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.

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There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

My wife claims that I'm cheap

But I'm not buying it

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.

I think..he made it up.

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five ...

A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar.

I told him his accusations were bassless.

My neighbor claimed he can hypnotize people into obedience.

He tried it with me, but failed.

Now I gloat to him about it every Monday as I wash his car.

My friend claims Yukon is his favorite Canadian Territory

But I’m having Nunavut

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I got blackmailed by a person who claims to have nudes of me

Jokes on him, now I filmed myself, send him daily videos and ask for money to make me stop.

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

And God said to John, "Come forth and claim eternal life."

He came sixth instead, but got a new TV for his troubles.

My friend claims that understanding a Fibonacci sequence is hard, but I disagree.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

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A nazi walks into a bar...

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar lying on the ground is a mystery, but that's what the eyewitnesses all claim happened.

Why did the Inventor of sandals take back his claim for a patent?

He got cold feet

I once met a man who claimed to be a mushroom

He's was a bit simple but a really fungi

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still happily drive my 2010 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

My Latin teacher had this piece of luggage that used to claim I was doing something wrong.

It was an accusative case.

A writer friend of mine claims he is 'glued to his memoir'

That's his story and he's sticking to it.

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

"Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car."

-"... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?"

-"In the lake."

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

What happens when you claim an island by peeing on it?

Urination

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PETA claims that their ads have significantly reduced animal abuse...

But seeing those nude models in billboards and magazines spread have only made me beat my monkey harder

Why did Hansel and Gretel claim they were sick?

They had Munch hausen.

What's it called when a female member of a religious community keeps claiming that she can see things others can't?

Habitual nunsense

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country

I think they are in de Nile

My neighbor claims he took a photo of a flea on the moon.

Never mind… it’s just a lunatic.

I told my girlfriend today that PMS pains aren't actually as bad as women claim they are.

Could anyone please tell me how I can get a pair of nail clippers out of my back? The hands won't reach far enough.

How can people claim Walt Disney was anti-Semitic...

...when one of the most famous Disney songs is "When Jewish Upon a Star?"

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

People claim ghosts are real...

But I’ve lived in this house for 527 years and I’ve never seen one.

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.

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My friend claims there's no word for excrement produced by male cattle.

I think that's bullshit.

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

You might not agree with or even believe the claims of the Canadian prime minister

It's Trudau.

A new scientific study claims that fertility is hereditary...

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

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Why did Britney claim to be a virgin?

Because her first boyfriend was Justin.

Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped

The Police still have no lead.

My wife has claimed I’m too obsessed with eighties music

I said to her “Don’t, don’t you want me?”

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

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A German, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be thr next coming of Jesus

erman, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be Jesus, and decide to settle who is speaking the truth by proving their claim.

First the German tries to prove it by walking across the mighty German river, the Rhine. However he falls in and gets completely soaked, and admits he must not be the...

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

I finally found someone who cares as much as I do about providing sources for every claim.

It was love at first cite.

Monk who claims he saw face of Jesus in his margarine tub...

... said: "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

People claim to be into recycling

but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Most people claim they support recycling,

But they sure get mad when someone reposts a joke.

Google fired an employee who claimed their technology was sentient.

Which is sad, because he was Chrome's only friend.

Some people claim Al Gore dances too robotically

He says its just his Al Gore rhythm

Most Airlines claim to have claim their customer service is "unbeatable"

Only United can say its is "undefeated"

My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter.

But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

Some people claim Epstein killed himself.

Others are calling it fake noose.

People keep claiming I caused a car accident

I don’t know what they’re talking about because I did it on purpose

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

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Did you hear about the ventriloquist who claimed that he could use a live donkey as a puppet?

Turns out he was just talking out of his ass.

How do ice cream trucks claim their routes?

An all out fight with another ice cream truck.

This is what's known as a cold war.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

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Johnny Depp claims amber heard or her friend pooped on his bed

This incident surely left a stain in their relationship...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

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People who claim they like golden showers ...

... are probably taking the piss.

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This yogi in India claims he hasn’t gone to the bathroom in 76 years.

I think he’s full of shit…

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

My friend called me for help, claiming he had turned into a harp.

I raced over there only to find he was a lyre.

Russia claims to have found a coronavirus vaccine...

I'm not putin that in my body!

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

How do you reduce the amount of workers' compensation claims by 25%?

Fire 50% of the workforce.

My friend hates it when he sees the Star of David everywhere, but he claims he's not racist

Just anti-semiotic

My friend claims that his dog can catch a frisbee out of the air, thats been thrown 200mtrs.

I thought that's a bit far fetched

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Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer

Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer. When He enters John's office, John figures out what's going on and starts laughing hysterically. "What's up with the scythe? You look like an out-of-work farmer", he says. Red with embarrassment, Death storms out.

The next day,...

Some bloke on the bus claimed to have the lowest amount of hair follicles on earth..

I said bloody hell that's a bald claim

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

Trump claims if he could walk on water, the fake news media would report:

"Trump can't swim"

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

Droids claim they were molested by George Lucas during filming for Star Wars...

#R2MeToo

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My roommate claims that he caught me with a sex doll.

This is completely untrue and slanderous. He caught me with a sex action figure.

Why do the French claim the moon as theirs?

All the flags on the moon have turned white

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My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.

My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash.

I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

Did you know scientists claim that dolphins are second to man in intelligence?

That means woman just got pushed to 3rd place

People who claim to talk to God are so delusional..

I've never talked to any of them.

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

I told the insurance investigators that they can't rule in my act of god claim.

I want to consult with priests instead.

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A man running for office claimed he was celibate...

Therefore he said "by voting for me there is no way I can fuck you over"

EDD doubled their workforce to handle rising jobless claims

Now they can hang up on you in half the time.

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There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
...

My short lived lawsuit against the airport baggage claim was thrown out

They made another brief case disappear

My girlfriend claims I can’t carry on claiming to have French-Italian heritage when people ask me where I’m from.

Corsican.

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I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

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Claim to fame

Celebrities walk on red carpet because they are famous.

I walk on toilet paper because I'm the shit!

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On first night of their marriage husband & wife claim Virginity.

Wife: “If This Is Your First Time How Did You Fuck So Well”.

Husband: “If This Is Your First Time How Do You Know I Fucked So Well“

I’m not claiming my neighbor is in the mob, but...

There was a mole in my yard and I asked him to help me kill it.
He asked if it needed to look like an accident.

A man walks into a bar claiming he has a talking dog

He goes up to the counter and bets the free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk to which the bartender agrees.


The man asks the dog, “What is on top of a house?”


“Roof!” says the dog.


Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again. ...

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept ...

today I met a girl that claims to work with bees

yeah, she’s definitely a keeper

My dad just said this and claims he thought of it himself.

An elderly couple, Ed and Martha go out to dinner together. Martha feels a rumble in her stomach and says to Ed, “Ed, I think I just had a silent fart. What should I do?”

Ed replies, “Well, honey, you could start by turning up your hearing aids.”

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking!

Thinking the accusation was ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

She said: Your meat.

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