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Engage Jokes

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

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A couple from Alabama got engaged

The wife was still friends with a lot of her exes, but her fiancé didn’t mind. He just didn’t want them at the wedding.

The wife agreed it would be awkward, saying that it would be weird if she invited someone she’s slept with. Her exes were a little upset about not being able to go to her w...

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

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This white dude gets engaged, and decides to take a solo vacation to Jamaica.

Before he leaves, he gets his fiancé’s name, Wendy, tattooed on his prick. He has the tattoo artist make it so, that when he’s flaccid, his tattoo would spell WNY. When he was erect, it would spell out her full name. He arrives in Jamaica, and is having the time of his life. While at one of the nude...

Did you know there's a city in Ohio called "Engagement?"

It's somewhere between Dayton and Marion.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

A man and a blonde woman get engaged

A man and a blonde woman get engaged. The man presents her with a big, beautiful, expensive diamond ring. After a few months, the man notices that the ring is in rough shape - scuff marks, dents, and scratches. He asks her to take it to the jeweler.

So, the blonde woman brings the ring to th...

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Why do prisoners engage in anal sex?

Because they are reared in captivity

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are about to engage in a lightsaber duel, when Vader suddenly whispers, "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."

Luke ignores him and continues to prepare for the fight.

Vader whispers again, "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."

Luke lowers from his attack stance and asks, "Ok, what are you going on about?"



Vader says, "I can sense your presents."

A catholic woman gets engaged

I heard this joke from a father(catholic priest) today.

A catholic woman gets engaged and finds out that her fiance doesn't believe in hell.

She goes to her father and says : "Father, my fiance doesn't believe in hell. Maybe I should rethink about marrying him".

Her father says...

How did the hipster refuse a romantic engagement?

He said he was bespoken for

The best time to engage yourself in a long, self-reflection is...

....when you're getting a haircut.

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.

But I broke it off

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Why should men not engage in esports while horny?

They get erekt.

Boy gets engaged down south

Down South, a young man falls in love, and he rushes home to tell his Pappy about his new sweetheart.

Pappy sadly shakes his head back and forth and says, "Son, I hate to tell ya, but in mah youth, I sowed mah wild oats, and that girl is yer half-sister."

Brokenhearted, the young man c...

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

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Man buys $20 engagement ring (nsfw)

A man bought a $20 engagement ring.
He hides it where the sun dont shine.

Later that day he gets on one knee and asks his soon to be wife to check if he had something stuck there.

After a bit of struggle she fishes it out and he pops the question.

Confused and in tears she re...

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring

And suffering.

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement...

her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly...

"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident.

They find themselves meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he’s about to let them in to Heaven. Before they go in, the woman says “St. Peter, we were planning to get married in a few months, is there any way we can get married in Heaven, so we can spend the rest of eternity together?”

“H...

Oedipus at social engagements:

Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Oedipus, this is my significant mother...

What crime does a careful walnut engage in?

Safe cracking

"I bought you an engagement ring," I told my girlfriend.

"How much did it cost?" she asked in a flash.

"£300," I told her.

"£300?!" she fumed. "You said you were going to spend a month's wages!"

"I didn't say it was going to be *my* month's wages."

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An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a c...

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

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An Engagement Request

A young prince was courting a nearby princess. She was exceedingly beautiful, but not well off; her parents insisted that she entertain the request, as his kingdom was very wealthy.

So she told him, "I will only marry you on three conditions; the first is that you build me a palace covered i...

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An engaged couple tragically die in a car crash and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter looks at the couple thoughtfully and replies,

“Yes, but it might take some time”

Three months later St. Peter comes back to the couple with a priest who soon marries them. A few thousand years pass and...

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

I read that if you're unsure about how much to spend on an engagement ring, a monthly pay check is a good guideline.

So I spent £200 and gave most of the ring to our landlord.

2 people I went to high school with recently got engaged...

...so statistically speaking one of those is gonna end in divorce

A man was engaged to be married

but his fiancee's beautiful younger sister kept flirting with him. One day he dropped by his fiancee's house to find no one was home except the sister, wearing only a slinky bathrobe. The sister said "I know you are engaged to my sister, but if you come upstairs with me, I'll give you one last fling...

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

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A back woods West Virgina man gets engaged.

He rushes home to tell his dad.

"Pa! I met me a woman and we's gonna marry!" His dad replies, "Well, tell me 'bout her!" The son says, "She's beautiful, nice, an a virgin!" At the news the father is visibly upset, "No you ain't gon marry you no virgin! If she ain't good nuff fer her family, s...

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I got engaged to a prostitute from India

She was always thanking me and telling me to come again.

A man wanted me to engage in necrophilia... NSFW

I told him to drop dead

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

I was engaged before

It didn't work out so now i just refer to her as a near miss

I've always found lobotomists to be some of the most curious, engaged conversationalists

They jump at any opportunity to pick your brain.

How did Putin get engaged to Trump?

He went to Jared.

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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

An engaged couple dies and goes to heaven.

They ask St. Peter, "Are there weddings in heaven?"
St. Peter tells them he'll get back to them.

Six months go by, then a year.

Finally after two years, they get a call from St. Peter asking if they still want to get married. They say yes, and get married. A marriage made in heaven...

Did you hear about the long-engaged couple with Parkinson's?

They finally tied the knot!

First comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring

And finally, the suffer-ring

I was engaged to a zombie

but it fell apart.

Being engaged

Daddy what does being engaged mean?
Son It's like getting a bike for Christmas but not being able to ride it til Easter.

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Why don't Junior League debutantes engage in group sex?

Too many thank you notes to write afterwards.

Facebook is getting rid of engagement bait

Guess I can't go phishing anymore.

Probably it was an Engagement Ring

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd...

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

My friends just got engaged, so I asked if they've picked a date for the wedding

They said, 'Yeah, we're taking each other.'

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a light saber battle...

...when suddenly Darth grabs Luke by the tunic and pulls him close. "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas", he says to the young Jedi.

"How? How could you possibly know what I am getting for Christmas?" Luke says skeptically.

Vader replies: "Because, I felt your presents."

The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.

It was love at second sight, they said.

What do you call a Transformer that engages in illegal activities?

Optimus *Crime*.

The Pope is engaged in an intellectual debate with an atheist. Fed up with the atheist's irreverence towards the leader of the Catholic world, the Pope finally snaps at him

"Arguing with you is impossible!" the pontiff proclaims. "You cannot speak of God in such a way. You look for the Lord like a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't even there!"

The atheist is silent for a moment, but then says: "We are not so dissimilar. You are also a...

What idiot called it an engagement ring...

When he could've called it a Kneel Diamond?

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

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So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

A research group was engaged in a study..

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, thi...

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

I got engaged for the third time today

Half Wife 3 confirmed.

What do you call engaged melons on the TSA watchlist?

Cantaloupe

What do you call a bee that gets engaged?

A Beyoncé.

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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There was an engaged couple...

talking to a priest about the possibility of getting married in his church.

"You two look like fine young lovers, and I would be happy to marry you, but first you must prove your loyalty to one another by abstaining from sex for a month."

The couple agreed and they all planned to meet ...

Before getting engaged to Serena, Alexis Ohanian actually dated a fencer

Until he got sick of the ripostes.

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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A woman told her friend about her engagement...

* Had been married 3 times before
* Told friend she was still a virgin
* Friend was surprised
* Woman said yes, still a virgin
** First husband was gynecologist, just wanted to look at it
** Second husband was a contractor, kept telling me 'tomorrow'
** Third husband psychothera...

A young man becomes engaged to his girlfriend over dinner.

The next day he excitedly goes over to his mother's house, eager to tell her the news.

"Ma, I've fallen in love with a woman, and we became engaged last night. Just for fun, I've brought over her and two different women, and you can guess which one I'm going to marry."

His wife walks ...

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

How was my engagement the same as my divorce?

In the end, I settled.

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Did you hear that the coprophiliac Scotsman is engaged to be married?

They're so cute together; apparently, it was love at first shite.

When I asked the court why I was forced to accompany a gentleman to a social engagement

They said I was mandated

My wife's grandfather told me this one infront of 2 nurses his wife and my now motherinlaw in hospital when we went to visit and announce our engagement.

Gp- "So you know what ro do when she (wife) annoys you right?... bend her over your knee, pull her pants down. And you'll forget why you were annoyed."

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So an engaged couple die in a car crash...

A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even ...

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

They say marriage is like a three-ring circus

First, you get the engagement ring.

Then, you get the wedding ring.

And finally, you get suffering

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A guy goes to see his doctor

The doctor, as per routine, asks, "What brings you in today?"

The guy sighs and says, "My penis is orange."

The doctor looks up from his chart, slightly confused and askes, "Is that a metaphor or...."

The guy stops him and says, "No, doctor. My dick is bright orange."

Eve...

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.
“Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy-eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a twenty-eight-year-old girl, and also, on the side, her nineteen-year-old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in ...

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A middle manager was called into HR for a harmless ice breaker.

"Do you know why you've been sent here? One of your new employees, Gina, has levied sexual harassment allegations against you". The stern HR rep asserted.

"What!? Gina!? Oh god, no this must be a mistake! I've only known her for a few days!" The manager replied perplexed and shocked.

"...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

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The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes....

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