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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

A girl returns from US to see her father in India.

Being from a poor village, it was a big deal for the father seeing their daughter who became a successful nurse in the states.

The girl had brought some presents for her father, which included a cool looking boxer.
The people in the village were accustomed to wearing a lungi ( a large clo...

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A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

So many dads nowadays say they're "going out to buy milk", and then never return.

Oh well, at least our moms still have the milkman: he doesn't just come and leave, he also brings the milk.

Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "...

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"

I said " you don't have a vase?"

-Tahir Bilgic

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What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

I ordered rabbit stew but had to return it.

There was a hare in my soup

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An old woman was watching the news while waiting for her husband to return from the Elk's club

A breaking news story came on about a car driving the wrong away on the interstate.
Being worked for her husband's safety she called him.

"Bill I hope I haven't caught you too late," she said. "The news is reporting a car driving the wrong way down the interstate you use to come home. You ...

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A man returns home from a doctors visit..

He sits down in front of his wife with tears dripping down his cheeks,

"I've got 12 hours to live.."

​

The wife begins to cry as she grabs her husbands cold hands,

"Is there anything I do for you? Any last wishes?"

​

The husband looks ...

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player?

A quarter back

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A wife returns from the salon, "Honey, I took your advice and got a new hair color, what do you think?"

Husband: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said "it's time to diet".

One day a man returns home early...

Wife: Why are you early home today?

Husband: because boss told me to just go to hell.

Why did the chicken return to the buffet?

To get to the other sides

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has o...

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

Because the pot was calling the cattle back!

I got a new vacuum cleaner but think I'm going to return it...

It just blows.

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

Why didn't Monica Lewinsky get a tax return in 1995?

Clinton was paying her under the table.

Three vampire bats had a bet to see who could come back with the most blood, first bat comes back, nothing second bat also comes back nothing, third bat takes off and later returns with blood oozing out of his mouth, the other bats say where did you get all that blood? He replies, see that tree.

Well I didn't.

A news reporter returns to his job after 45 years

He would tell you what he found out, but you aren't a monk.

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

A kindergarden class returns from recess...

The teacher asks Suzie, "What did you do doing recess?"

Suzie replied, "I climbed on the monkey bars."

The teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write ‘monkey’ correctly I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie. The teacher asks B...

Did you know that "boo" means "return" in Australia?

That's because when you throw a normal meringue, it doesn't come back.

The 16-yo son returns home at 10am the next day..

.. The Father asks angrily: "Son, where have you been for such a long time?"
Son replies: "Dad, I'm not a virgin anymore!"
The father in relaxed tone: "Son, sit down and tell me the whole story".
The son replies: "Telling the story OK, but sitting NO!"

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A young boy returns from school a little confused.

Arriving at home, he goes to find his dad.

"Dad, today at school we learned about theory and reality. The teacher explained the difference but I don't understand."

Dad responds: "Son, go ask your sister if she will have sex with the pool guy for a million dollars, then ask your mom if...

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

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I came out to my friend as gay, who in return came out as gay

Makes all the times we fucked before then seem like he didn't mean the no homo

A friend of mine told me they have a dog that can return a ball shot out of a cannon...

To me that seems a little far fetched.

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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A businessman returns from the far east.

After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors.

They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. S...

You can borrow five cents and no one will ask you to return them.

Apparently, people don't like a nickel back.

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet...

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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A Russian general returns from an inspection trip.

Immediately, he requests an experienced typist:

"Vera Ivanovna, I need to issue an order concerning the state of military discipline. Are you ready? Very well, let's begin."

He paces the office and dictates:

"YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Typist: "Comrades officers,"
...

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A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

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The tax return

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.
<...

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

Lady Penelope returns to her mansion after a long weekend at Tracy Island

Upon seeing Parker in the main bedroom she commands him;

"Parker, take of my dress"

"Yes, M'lady" replies Parker

"Now Parker, take off my Bra"

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker take of my Panties"

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker if I ever catch you wearing my clothes...

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry.

I’ll return.

A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

I bought a blindfold the other day, but I'm gonna have to return it.

I just can't see myself wearing it.

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Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100. Everyone is happy and they all praise John for being a great guy. Next year he dos the same, all villagers happy again. The thi...

My brother can no longer return to his school, especially after what he just did...

He graduated.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

An astronaut refused to return to Earth to see his girlfriend

he said he needed more space.

Why did Logan Paul return to Youtube?

He didn't want to leave his fans hanging

Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:

"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"

I went to the boomerang store the other day

They had a great return policy

An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”

The doctor say...

Why didn’t Saddam Hussein watch Return of the King?

He was living under Iraq

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

My wife bought me a ridiculously expensive wig which covered me from head to toe! Wtf, I mean... I had to return it...

... simply far too much toupee.

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

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What do you call it when a person will give you a hand job in return for any physical item?

Jack off all trades

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

Man walks into a store to return a doorbell...

A clerk asks if he needs help and the man tells him "Yes I'm here to return a doorbell, she's broken."

The clerk says "Why did you just call that doorbell 'she'?"

The man says "Because it's a female doorbell."

The clerk asks "How do you figure that?"

The man says "Because...

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Little Johnny returns to school after Thanksgiving break,..

and the teacher asks the class if anyone had an experience they learned from over the vacation.
The first child raises their hand and says, "I spilled my milk at dinner and I learned not to cry over spilled milk."
The teacher says very good and calls on Little Johnny next.
Johnny lau...

A genie offered a man 1 wish. All the genie asked in return was for the man to boil some water and make him a tea. But the man refused.

The man decided the price was to steep.

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

&#x200B;

The h...

After announcing Voldermorts return, it dawned on me that Harry Potter's name should be changed to..

Herald Potter

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One day a woman returns home from work.

She enters her room and sees her husband lying on the bed, sweaty and naked. It also sounds like he has trouble breathing.

"George! Are you okay?"

"Honey... I... think... I'm... having... a... heart... attack..."

The woman panics and rushes to call 911. Halfway through the talk ...

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Everyone knows good ol' Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.

Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.

Wife: that exp...

Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.