It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

Dad Joke: What do you call clean music?

A soap opera!

they have a Roomba now that can clean stairs

which sucks on so many levels

I got offered a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I can really see myself doing

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What do you call a guy that helps a lady clean up after sex?

A fucking gentleman.

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My favourite Old Dirty / Clean Joke

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrappi...

Clean joke, dirty joke

Clean joke: Johnny took a bath with bubbles

Dirty joke: Bubbles was the girl next door

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Are these plates clean?

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold...

Why did the amphetamine addict have to clean his room so often?

He wath a methy perthon.

Superglue can also be used for cleaning

your computer keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

What do you call a gangster with clean teeth?

Oral-G

What does an Icelander use to clean their lawn?

A Reyk-javik.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The grim sweeper

The cleaning lady

True story: My friend Peter owns a diner. He was delighted to have a nice middled aged couple regularly come to his place once a week to eat.

But then the couple didn’t show up for a month. Finally the husband showed up but was by himself. He looked like a wreck.

Peter asked the guy i...

My fish clean my tank for free

Suckers

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

Jeff Bezos is cleaning out his attic and stumbles upon a magic lamp

Naturally, he rubs it and out comes a genie. As soon as the genie comes out, Jeff Bezos starts walking away.

Genie: Uhm...hello, I’m a genie...what about the wish?

Bezos: Ugh, fine, what do you want?

Yo mama so fat, the only way she gets clean

is during a meteor shower

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The craziest job I ever had was cleaning the monkey cages in our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

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Voting in America is like cleaning up after your dog...

No one wants to deal with that shit, but it's your duty.

Everyone cheered when Hercules cleaned the Aegean Stables.

Everyone except the people living downstream.

I gave up cleaning the dryer filter...

...for lent.

Bill Clinton brings a dress to the dry cleaning

He asks "Anything you need to know?", but since it's loud from all the machines running, the worker doesn't understand him and asks "Come again?"

"No", said Clinton, "Tomato juice this time"

I asked the barber to shave me and make my beard look nice and clean.

He completed. But I was not satisfied.






So I said, "Can you do a little more better?"






"Alright, sir, I'll do some modifications"





I was still not satisfied.






"Could you please do some more modificati...

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A guy goes into his basement to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp.

He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie.

The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then...

Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.

The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.

I cleaned the attic with my kids yesterday.

Now I'm having trouble getting the cobwebs out of their hair.

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breathe.








Edit : it's breath (sorry for the typo)

In college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

Who cleans the sea?

A mer-maid

Cleaning up the heavens

God finally gets around to clean up the heavens and finds the commandments. What to do with the old junk? He looks down onto the earth, maybe someone could have a use for them.

He asks the Egyptians. The Pharaoh looks up and says "Dude, sorry, we're busy with our pyramids, no can do."

...

People tell me I'm stupid for cleaning my firearms with honey.

But I'm sticking to my guns.

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

What does dark.humour and clean water have in common

Not everyone gets it

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I don't clean my ass on Sunday morning [Nsfw]

I go to church and sit in my own pew

Of course I should clean the windows....

... but privacy is also important.

Clean Joke

If you shove a bar of soap up your ass, you'll fart bubbles.

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Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

Jeff Bozos was cleaning his bedside lamp when a genie popped out.

Genie: One wish only, my good sir.

Bezos: Name it.

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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

A man was helping his friend clean out his garage.

He noticed an amazing looking belt in the garbage can. It was black, with numerous stars and galaxies etched into it in intricate detail.

"Why are you throwing this out?" He asked.

His friend replied, "It is just such a waist of space."

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, ‟Do you sell condoms here?”

‟Sure. What size are you?”

‟I do not know,” he replies.

‟Well, just let me check,” the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and th...

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You are helping a friend name jack with cleaning the gutters.

You are holding the bottom of the ladder for him as he is cleaning his gutters out.
Jack goes to get on the roof to get a better position of the gutter and the ladder slips. Says “I have seemed to let the ladder slip off and I’m stuck on the roof now”

Will you help jack off?

There are 5 places in my house that haven't been cleaned out in years.

I'd better go to the pharmacy and get some laxatives.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

Cleaning

I had a cleaning lady come to my house and when I opened the door I saw a 75-year-old lady standing there. So I told her what to clean and she worked but, it wasn’t done that great. So I asked her “how do you keep your job?" She then explained to me, “I just keep clients who can’t see any better tha...

Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.

I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

[CLEAN] A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the law...

They find shelter in an abandoned potato factory and each hide in an empty sack. The cops find the sacks and an officer kicks the first one. The brunette says, "Meowww" with her best cat impression. The lieutenant yells, "Leave that sack be! We don't need a cat clawing our ankles. Another officer ki...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I got cleaning duties today and my wife told me she would be resting

It was my first time in years. While i was cleaning the halls, i could hear her screaming from the bedroom things like "Faster!", "Thats the spot! Right there!"




I just love how supporting she is

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

What do cannibals use to clean their noses?

Nose tissue.

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I did meth and masturbation for one year, but now I'm clean.

Just washed my hands.

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

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Scott was completely bald, and clean shaven.

He visited a naturopath seeking advice for curing his malady.

"Every day for three months rub the secretions of a woman's vagina on your head." Advised the naturopath.

Three month's later he returned.

"You dirty bastard!" exclaimed the naturopath when he saw Scott's luxurious mo...

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A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth.

As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face.

"Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked.

"Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is inters...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

Grandma made a bet with John that if he didn’t eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment

John eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th is not in the plate ... That's all you need to know about drafting contracts.

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair?

They found his head and shoulders in the glove box

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay?

Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.

Navy recruit's first day on a submarine

The new recruit speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changi...

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

They say a good woman will cook and clean for you.

That's why i married a part time Chef and a full-time janitor

What do dolphins use to keep clean?

Multi-porpoise cleaner.

A young woman moves in next door to a married couple

One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty. She says to her husband, "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"

The husband doesn't say a word. Time and time aga...

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a maid wants a raise

a maid hired by a couple wants a raise so she goes to the wife and asks her.

the wife asks her why she should get the raise and the maid tells her it's because she cooks better.

the wife: really who said it

the maid: your husband

the wife gets mad but gives her a raise. t...

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Every time I take my butt plug in for cleaning...

they say, "Not this shit again."

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

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Little Johnny was under foot all morning while his mother was trying to clean the house.

She tells him to go across the street where they are building a house to see if he might learn something.

A few hours later Johnny returns home, the mother asks, “What did you learn?”
He replies, “Well, you hang the damn door up there and it doesn’t fit, of course. So you take it down and ...

Whenever my wife asks me to clean the kitchen, I show her funny videos until she forgets she asked

But now she says she's had enough of my delaying TikToks

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Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

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What does a bidet and 46th US President-Elect Biden have in common?

They both clean up after assholes

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What did the man say to the toilet when he cleaned it?

“This thing has really seen some shit!”

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

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Owing to the TP shortage, I've been using a picher and water to clean my butt...

.... baseball players will do anything for money now that the season is postponed.

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What’s the easiest way to clean a toilet?

Flush the shit out of it

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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...


A month later ...

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

A woman walks in on her husband cleaning his guns.

He greeted her with open arms

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

How does the blind man know his backside is clean after a no.2

When his service dog stops licking.

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

What if Cinderella was a cooking slave instead of a cleaning slave..

.. and her name was Mozzerella

I used to be addicted to Soap

But now I'm clean.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

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Mind Your Words...

In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

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