UPJOKE
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Clean Jokes

Ukrainian cleaning his pistol

It's 1961, and a Ukrainian is cleaning his pistol. His son runs into the room shouting: "Daddy, daddy, Russians have gone to space!" The man stops cleaning his pistol. "What, all of them?" "No, just one!" The man grumbles & continues cleaning the pistol.
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I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.
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Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.
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I clean my dick for the same reason I polish my trophies:

I want them to look good even though they serve absolutely no purpose.

My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at ...
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I want a job cleaning mirrors....

It's just something I could really see myself doing.
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It’s clean

So I worked late last night, and when I left I detoured 2 blocks to buy a newspaper. While walking to my car,, a young lady was coming the other way and as we were passing, she said “You look a little lonely. Want some company?” Now this was no tenderloin district, so I was surprised and asked if I ...

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.
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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.
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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

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My favorite clean joke

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first i...

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...
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A wife sees her husband furiously cleaning the kitchen...

She asks "what are you doing?"

Husband replies "I gotta rub everything down, I just saw a cockroach crawl all over the kitchen!"

The wife nodds and walks away.
Later she goes on askreddit and posts a thread- help: how to catch a cockroach fast, my in-laws are coming and I need to ...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

My wife told me she wanted to come clean

So I installed a handheld pulsing showerhead
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The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women
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How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

thbjgctr[HUV93tqwbhj4yui89 4ruq9-tyq3t9qp36crioedfh qweoyq9f7ewr y9p7q8tr q37902t 4047yq3rqwrqorgq rp8oqgrqo8g8owg fp8ewfg o8wegf ofhu prhq439pyr q4t83q[i09[fi0a[fdshv payuhieyu463wsur58ry r927ct9y1y9f38qepw0t7f8qeje278ee0
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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

after my wife found my letters I had to come clean and tell her I was cheating

She said she will never play scrabble with me again
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A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS BITCH OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step 1: Use commas.
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How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
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How does a Reaver clean its spear?

He runs it through the Wash
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If you clean your vacuum...

You are actually vacuum cleaner
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What’s the best way to clean a dolphin?

Use a multi-porpoise cleaner…..

I’ll see myself out
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How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?

With fossils.
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A Clean Joke

One day, an old man and his wife visited their doctor for a checkup. The doctor wanted to examine the old man first. After examining the old man, he said "I'm surprised you are in such excellent health."

The old man replied "I attribute it to my good and clean life."

"Your good and c...
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two clean Irish jokes

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
...
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I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.
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Fake out clean jokes

Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:

I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.

If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never ...
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Dark Humor is like clean water

Everybody should get it but not everybody does.
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How does an Aussie clean his bum?

With a B' day mate!
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Why don't blind people clean up their guide dogs' poop? .

Because they can't see shit

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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.

On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.

An angel who witnessed this...
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner

So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober.

So I’m going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store
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I should clean mirrors for a living.

It's a profession I see myself in.
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I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it
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My girlfriend came home to a clean house today.

Girlfriend: Cleaning lady came today?

Me: Yeah. I thought she was just breathing hard, but she actually came.

She took 10 seconds to realize what I was saying then she smacks me on the chest.
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I can remember when the air was clean

and sex was dirty.

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How do Australians clean their butts?

Bidet, mate.

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Two nuns were cleaning the church...

The first nun says, "You aren't going to believe this, but the other day I was cleaning Father Tim's room, and I found condoms in his night stand."

The second nun says, "Oh my! What did you do?"

The first nun says, "I poked holes in them."

The second nun says, "Fuck..."

I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon

I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.
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What's the boxer that cleans his house the most?

Mike Dyson
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How do rabbits keep their pelts so clean?

They have hare supplies.
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I once had a job cleaning other people's pools...

It started off swimmingly, but soon it got to be too draining.
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A janitor is cleaning the church.......

.....when suddenly the priest runs out of the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of p...

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

The cleaning lady was almost finished cleaning a suite when she noticed her Hoover wasn't working.

Thinking quick, she threw it out the window, making the room a vacuum cleaner.
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What nationality are best at cleaning mirrors?

Polish
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What does an Australian clean himself with after using the bathroom?

A b'day.
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Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!!

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and ...
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I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.
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Clean Habits

Maybe an oldie but a goodie...

Two young nuns were fresh out of the convent when they've been assigned to a rectory that is being remodeled.

"Your first assignment is to repaint the offices. But it's very important that you don't get any paint on your brand new habit." The nuns discus...

We hoped for a good clean World Cup Final.

But instead we got a Messi one.

Congrats to Argentina.
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Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.
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I used my discount card to clean ice off my windshield.

I could only get about 20% off tho
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A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been un...
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It's always such a delicate conversation when I have to tell my acupuncturist friend to clean up his floor.

I'm walking on pins and needles here.
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Susy Q needs her dress cleaned

She goes to the laundry mat and Old Man Jon who runs it is half deaf, can't hear real well. When she walks in Old Man Jon says "Hey Susy Q what can I do for you?" She says "I need to get my dress cleaned."
Jon: "Come again?"
Susy Q: "No its icing."
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I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.
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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover ...
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What does Santa use to clean his suit for Christmas?

YuleTide.
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Why did the cleaning lady learn hypnosis?

She wanted to do some brainwashing.
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I'm OCD about cleaning up.

There's never any dirty dishes in the sink, the floors are spotless, all the surfaces are wiped down. I even do this if I'm visiting somewhere. If I see a fingerprint or a footprint I just have to take care of it. It makes me a GREAT roommate... but a TERRIBLE crime scene investigator.
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I’ve been clean for 237 days

Today I feel too lazy to take a shower.
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I got a job cleaning horse manure.

Well, the ad promise a stable income.
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How do pro-lifers clean up after jacking off?

By using baby wipes.
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I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me.

This wasn't just any ordinary rabbit.

I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows.

Seeing as I didn't want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my n...

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How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?

With 2-in-1 shampoo.

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Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

I always used to lick the bowl clean.

Until my parents told me to flush it like everyone else.
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A clean joke

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...
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What did Christopher Robin's mother say when she got tired of cleaning up after him

"Stop leaving Pooh lying around!"
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I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.
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My insanely clean Canadian Bee Joke.

My bee joke I crafted myself:
*My Canadian Bee Joke*


My Aussie friend Deidre is an Apiarists. She works with bees. Actually she likes to be called Dee.

She was in Canada recently doing research at a university and she said she noticed that when she describes her interactions w...
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After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...
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Your best clean joke?

Mine: 3 men are wandering lost in the desert, and stumble upon a lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. He tells them "I will give you each one wish."

The first man says "I really miss my family. I'd love to be back with them." *POOF* He's back with his family.

The second man says "...
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Dad Joke: What do you call clean music?

A soap opera!
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I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead
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How do nudists clean their glasses?

Very genitally.
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How many ensigns does it take to clean the USS Enterprise?

Zero, space is a vacuum.
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I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!
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A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...
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Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."
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Someone told me you can clean pigs with vodka

sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me
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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

My dad wanted me to let you know he’s cleaning a window.

He just wanted to make it clear.
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Come clean

Want to hear a clean story? I took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a dirty story? Bubbles is the girl next door.
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A clean dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” ...
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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Mary cleaned Marsha's house. Marsha cleaned Mary's house.

They both were maid for each other
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Wanna hear a clean joke?

I blew bubbles in the bathtub. Wanna hear the dirty version? Bubbles was a clown.
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I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

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What does "a fear of heights" and "cleaning up after anal sex" have in common?

Don't look down.

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...
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Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean.

His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.
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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Clean

Everyone is arguing about how to stop spreading the virus. But I'm washing my hands of the whole thing.
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I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.
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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

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A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. Africa...

Cleaning

I had a cleaning lady come to my house and when I opened the door I saw a 75-year-old lady standing there. So I told her what to clean and she worked but, it wasn’t done that great. So I asked her “how do you keep your job?" She then explained to me, “I just keep clients who can’t see any better tha...
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For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...
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The cleaning lady

True story: My friend Peter owns a diner. He was delighted to have a nice middled aged couple regularly come to his place once a week to eat.

But then the couple didn’t show up for a month. Finally the husband showed up but was by himself. He looked like a wreck.

Peter asked the guy i...
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When i was little, we had the best cleaning lady

Because one time, my dad took her upstairs to clean his bedroom. And she must have done a great job because i could hear him applauding her for almost 10 minutes!
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Operation Clean-Up

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

What president likes to clean heavy objects?

George Washington
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I've decided I want to start a career in Mirror Cleaning

It's just something I can see myself doing.
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I work at a funeral home and just got my drinking buddies a job helping to clean the place up…

…Now I can crack open a cold one with the boys everyday
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What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The grim sweeper
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How do you clean Disney World?

With an Orlando Broom.
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What do you call a dinosaur with clean teeth?

A Flossaraptor
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Step-dad tells his step-son to clean his room

Step-son: Am I going to have to pour hot melted cheese all over myself?

Step-dad: Why would you have to do that?

Step-son: To remind you that I'm NACHO son
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This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

How do you greet a very clean woman?

Hi Jean
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My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

BANG@#$%^&a...
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CLEAN THE POOL!

My wife’s been bugging me to vacuum the pool for months.

I tried telling her “If the water’s healthy enough for those tadpoles, it’s good enough for the kids”.

I think she’s being a little too bossy.
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How do they clean up messes at the Vatican?

Papal towels.
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Short clean joke

I was at a party and there was a Russian DJ, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
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Cleaning up the heavens

God finally gets around to clean up the heavens and finds the commandments. What to do with the old junk? He looks down onto the earth, maybe someone could have a use for them.

He asks the Egyptians. The Pharaoh looks up and says "Dude, sorry, we're busy with our pyramids, no can do."

...
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An usher was cleaning out a theater after a show in the late sixties.

Walking into the theater the usher noticed a hippy was laying passed out, sprawled across several rows of chairs.

"Hey! You can't be here, shows over." He poked the hippy with his broom. The hippy groaned. "You gotta go man. Shows over."

The hippy just moaned, and the usher took pity o...
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Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?

He was used to his transport being a little buggy.
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what does Big bird clean with?

an elmop
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