I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, a...

Why is it so expensive to fill tires at the gas station?

Inflation

How many lawyers does it take to fill up an ambulance?

I don’t know, nobody’s ever tried to save one.

When a woman sits in church her soul fills up with hope

When she sit in a bath something similar happens

Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety ye...

Every day I like to fill my kids' minds with a sense of wonder.

Like "I wonder who my Dad is?"

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?

A lot.

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Pedro and Juanita

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.



One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."



Juanita says "Pees off you peeg....

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

How many poachers does it take to fill up a lion?

At least three.

I was preparing a bowl of cereal, finished 1 box of raisin bran and started another to fill my bowl. I was alarmed to see a different colored cereal;

Then I realized, they were different brans



this is a tru experience that just happened to me

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

Took my dog to the eyecare store to fill a prescription. When we got there they asked why my dog was getting glasses

I said, "Because insurance doesn't cover contacts."

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The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?


Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytim...

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free Sex with Fill-Up

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get ...

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Frank, an aerospace engineer, purchases an old iPod and fills it with his favorite bands...

He's in his office trying to get his newly acquired gadget to work when the janitor, Joe, walks into the office and asks, "Hey man, what are you listening to?"


Frank replies, "Nothing yet! I can't get this damn thing to work! Can you help me?"


Joe decides to gives it a shot, s...

How to fill 12 holes with another hole?

Stick a flute in your ass.

I went down to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today and walked up to the main desk to sign in when the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented...

I said, 'A folding bottle.'

She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'

'A fottle.'

'What else do you have there?'

'A folding carton.'

'OK, what do you call it?'

'A farton.'

She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds ...

Fill out job applications in crayon...

...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.

Teacher : Why did you only fill in all the odd questions in the exam?

Blonde : Because i can't even

What does a pig fill in it's pen?

Oink

I'm sorry.

I dug a trench around my desk at work today, complete with running water, but the boss got really angry and made me fill it in…

Can't believe I've been demoated…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman asks her Milkman to fill her bath with milk..

He asks "Do you want that milk pasteurised?",

She replies "No, just up to my boobs please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A custodian fills in for a priest

A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

"son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there's a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woma...

What does College fill you with?

Trivia and beer.
Sometimes trivia that wins you beer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I try to fill the void in my life with food...

But it always goes to shit.

My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....

....she means well

George Clooney creates an iTunes playlist and fills it with various cartoon soundtracks.

Clooney Tunes

I was driving and I decided to fill up the Escort with diesel.

She died.

What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

I'm going to buy 100 mounted fish and fill a room with them.

When someone comes over and asks where the bathroom is, I'll send them to that room instead. As soon as they come back disappointed, I'll say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said my bassroom!"

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee: _________ (fill in the blank)

Started [**here**](http://www.reddit.com/r/Coffee/comments/f88l5/i_just_went_black/c1e1vtu), this seems like something that deserves its own thread.

Go.

**Edit**: Ok, apparently [**this was done before**](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/f294e/finish_this_sentence_i_like_my_coffe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

The music teacher at the school my niece goes to was out sick 2 days last week. The school had a dog fill in for her.

He was a sub woofer.

Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath...

She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you use to fill your butt crack?

Ass-fault

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I approach the boring task of buying tampons with the same procrastination used when needing to fill the car up with petrol:

ignore depleting supplies until well in the red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad...

... Then stab the fucker.

It takes many nails to build a crib...

But only one to fill it

Fill in the blank: Friends are like_____

mine is "Friends are like trees, if you hit them with an axe they fall over."

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

When the Chinese fill out government forms...

Under "Occupation" do they write "Tibet"?

Frieza from Dragon Ball Z gets a job as a medical receptionist

After a long day of fighting Vegeta comes into the Dr’s office to get some wounds looked at. As a new patient, Frieza directs him to fill out a hefty stack of new patient paperwork.

After some time, Vegeta brings his finished paperwork to Frieza only to be handed another stack of paperwork. ...

Two fill in the blank jokes for your particular rivalry.

1. What's the difference between a girl from _______ and a parrot?

You can teach a parrot to say no.

2. Did you hear that _________ school library burnt down?

They lost both books. One of them hadn't even been colored in yet.

Why did batman fill his freezer with water bottles?

Because he wanted just ice.

Have you guys seen how expensive it is nowadays to fill your bicycle tires?

Damn inflation...

How do men and women fill the fuel tank differently?

Men jiggle the nozzle afterwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[maybe NSFW] How can you tell that a porn star works at your local gas station?

Right before he's done filling the tank he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the trunk of your car.

The Aussie Farmer, Osama Bin Laden And A Biker

Three men - a Farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.


They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.


The Farmer says, 'I am a farmer and my son wil...

I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings.

I'll call it Salvador Deli.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine...

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed?

NYC subway commuters.

What's the difference between Reddit and Instagram?

Reddit fills your mind with thoughts.

Instagram fills your mind with thots.

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