UPJOKE
carrydirectbehaviorconveydealleadperformbehavebehaviouractguidetakebeardemeanorcarry on

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter.

You don't get followed easily.

My son was eating electrical cords

So I grounded him till he conducted himself properly

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

What do you do if your son keeps biting on wires?

Ground him till he conducts himself properly

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

Timmy went to a big city and looked for a job

He finally got an interview. He never held a corporate job before so he took tips from his friend about how to conduct himself in the interview. But when he came back from the interview, he looked defeated.

His friend asked: why do you look so disappointed? didn't the interview go well?
...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?


They one by resistance.

Some historians were convinced that Jesus's birth place didn't exist

After extensive research they conducted that it Israel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.....

A heavily drunk man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes. The Lady stopped him and said - "Tell me!!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I g...

What's the difference between a geologist and Dwayne Johnson conducting an experiment?

One is a rock scientist. The other is The Rock, scientist.



(This is so dumb. I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

An examiner is conducting a test...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student:- I will open the window.

Examiner :- Great, now suppose ...

A scientist is looking to conduct an experiment using dolphins

He goes to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any dolphins

The clerk responds “We don’t have any dolphins, but would a whale work?”

The scientist responds “No thank you, that defeats the porpoise”

A man in Bulgaria drives trains

A man in Bulgaria drives trains for a living. He made decent money, enough to support himself. One day, he got tired while conducting and fell asleep. The train ended up crashing and killing one person aboard.

He went to court and pleaded guilty. The judge ordered Death by Electrocution. Late...

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

After Quasimodo's death…

…, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their s...

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

A man goes in for a prostate exam

The gentlemen is waiting for the doctor to come in and start the examination.

The young doctor comes in and greets the patient explaining that he will conduct the exam and grabs a pair of gloves.

The doctor then says “ Okay Steve this is your first Prostate exam, don’t get an errectio...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

This just in! A recent survey conducted has found some interesting results!

Out of every 10 people surveyed, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9.

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

A train conductor was conducting his train...

when he derailed it and the train suffered a terrible crash. Only those in the front of the train survived. He was put on trial for the murder of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A survey was conducted for poor tennis players who were bad at sex

It was decided on a worst come worst serve basis

You child is playing with wires and is getting electrocuted, what can you do?

Ground him until he can conduct himself properly.



First word in title should be "your"

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex in the office

A guy conducting a survey calls up a random person on the phone and asks, "Sir, what are your thoughts on sex in the workplace?"

"Well, first of all, I'm married. But regardless, the options in my workplace aren't all that great anyway."

"And where exactly do you work?"

"From ho...

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.

She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A whole crowd is gathered for the highschool orchestra concert. Its quite the ordeal and every seat is filled, but a phone call informs the the principal that the conductor had been in a car accident!

Nothing serious, but both his wrists were sprained and he could not conduct this evening!
A quick staff meeting and one short straw later; the gym coach made his way out to the waiting audience. Megaphone in hand, the gym teacher walks center stage announcing in a slight static over the megaphone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor sees a gorgeous woman walk into his exam room…

A doctor sees a gorgeous woman walk into his exam room and becomes immediately smitten. He tells her to undress and then begins fondling her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"You're conducting a breast exam."

"That's right," says the doctor, "I'm checking for lumps."

Nex...

Scientists recently conducted research on the human brain.

Scientists recently did a study on the roles the right side and left side of the brain had on cognition. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

All the anti gravity experiments I conducted gave my son terminal cancer

It was incredibly hard to put him down.

A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.

They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.

In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.

The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

What did the train conducter say to the carriage full of cricket players?

Wickets, please!

Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

As the doctor conducting your STD tests..

I want to congratulate you on your positive results!

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

How does Ohm conduct an orchestra?

Standing on his head!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to conduct a study on how to use as few sheets of toilet paper as possible when wiping your ass

Yesterday I had a breakthrough

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Study Conducted on Asians (A joke I came up with,but still not sure if a repost)

A new study conducted on Asians shows that the long held to be true stereotype is partially false. In fact, only 50% of Asians have small penises.

The other 50% are women.

A study conducted in the United States showed that:

1. The popular sport of the urban population is basketball

2. Favourite sport of maintenance people is bowling

3. The favourite sport of the average staff is football

4. The favourite sport of senior staff is baseball

5. The favourite sport of directors is tennis

6...

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a Tea tasting festival, the guy conducting said, the best way to enjoy a cup of Tea was to agitate the bag, so I went home.

And slapped her ass a couple of times.

Where did fraudulent stone age people conduct business?

The concave.

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

What would you call it if a duck conducts a kidnapping?

Ab-duck-tion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While conducting drills up in a mountain, a soldier gets bit on his penis by a rattlesnake...

The platoon was split into pairs for these drills, and while climbing the mountain, one of them yells out to his partner: "OUCH!! A snake just bit me on my dick! Quick, run down for help!!"

So the other soldier runs his ass down the hill and finds his Lieutenant and explains the situation. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

A recently conducted study reveals...

Birthdays are good for health

people with more birthdays were found to have lived longer

A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people

skip his name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Study Conducted by the German Scientist

Okay this isn't really a joke but it's kind of interesting, especially if you like dogs. In 1998 a German researcher by the name of Dr. Karl Wagner conducted a study on the agility of dogs. One hundred male dogs and one hundred females dogs each ran a series of increasingly difficult obstacle cours...

A wealthy merchant must leave to conduct business in a foreign land.

It is well known that the merchant's wife is promiscuous, so it is logical that he is always anxious when he embarks upon a long journey.

This time, however, the merchant decides enough is enough. The night before he is to set sail he makes wanton, passionate love to his beautiful wife, but ...

In a survey conducted in a land far far away it was found that....

6 out of 7 Dwarves are not happy

Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items!

Number 6 won't shock you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

why can't coffee conduct electricity?

because it is grounded

Survey

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

A very bright scientist was conducting experiments on frogs

He spent a lot of time teaching them to jump as they heard the word *jump*.

And so, after he had 10 frogs that could jump when they heard the word *jump*, he took one to the experimentation room, put the frog on the table.

"*Jump*"

Sure enough, the frog jumped. The scientist wro...

Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket.

It was a herd shot round the world.

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -

"Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !!

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer ...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.