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I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter.

You don't get followed easily.

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's...

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Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Ger...

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?


They one by resistance.

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

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Sex in the office

A guy conducting a survey calls up a random person on the phone and asks, "Sir, what are your thoughts on sex in the workplace?"

"Well, first of all, I'm married. But regardless, the options in my workplace aren't all that great anyway."

"And where exactly do you work?"

"From ho...

You child is playing with wires and is getting electrocuted, what can you do?

Ground him until he can conduct himself properly.



First word in title should be "your"

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A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.....

A heavily drunk man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes. The Lady stopped him and said - "Tell me!!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I g...

What's the difference between a geologist and Dwayne Johnson conducting an experiment?

One is a rock scientist. The other is The Rock, scientist.



(This is so dumb. I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this.)

An examiner is conducting a test...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student:- I will open the window.

Examiner :- Great, now suppose ...

A man goes in for a prostate exam

The gentlemen is waiting for the doctor to come in and start the examination.

The young doctor comes in and greets the patient explaining that he will conduct the exam and grabs a pair of gloves.

The doctor then says “ Okay Steve this is your first Prostate exam, don’t get an errectio...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

A scientist is looking to conduct an experiment using dolphins

He goes to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any dolphins

The clerk responds “We don’t have any dolphins, but would a whale work?”

The scientist responds “No thank you, that defeats the porpoise”

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

Survey

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

I found my son eating electrical cord

So I grounded him,
Until he could conduct himself properly

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer ...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

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A survey was conducted for poor tennis players who were bad at sex

It was decided on a worst come worst serve basis

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.

She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance ...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

A train conductor was conducting his train...

when he derailed it and the train suffered a terrible crash. Only those in the front of the train survived. He was put on trial for the murder of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied ...

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

Scientists recently conducted research on the human brain.

Scientists recently did a study on the roles the right side and left side of the brain had on cognition. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking...

Planned Parenthood is conducting a beauty contest.

The winner will be called 'Miss Carriage'.

What did the train conducter say to the carriage full of cricket players?

Wickets, please!

Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

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A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

All the anti gravity experiments I conducted gave my son terminal cancer

It was incredibly hard to put him down.

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What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.

They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.

In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.

The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.

As the doctor conducting your STD tests..

I want to congratulate you on your positive results!

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

What would you call it if a duck conducts a kidnapping?

Ab-duck-tion

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A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

There was once a rich politician (long)

He had everything you could possibly want: countless wealth, endless land, and a beautiful mansion. But he also had an 18-year-old daughter, and she had not yet found a suitable husband.

To ensure that his daughter would find the right man to marry, he conducted a test. He invited every young...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

How does Ohm conduct an orchestra?

Standing on his head!

A U.S. warship is conducting war exercises off the coast of N. Korea

The captain accidentally launches a live cruise missile at N. Korea. The missile strikes Pyongyang and kills Kim Jong Un. The captain goes on trial and is found guilty. President Trump attends the sentencing hearing due to its importance. The captain begs Trump for a pardon explaining that he killed...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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I decided to conduct a study on how to use as few sheets of toilet paper as possible when wiping your ass

Yesterday I had a breakthrough

A study conducted in the United States showed that:

1. The popular sport of the urban population is basketball

2. Favourite sport of maintenance people is bowling

3. The favourite sport of the average staff is football

4. The favourite sport of senior staff is baseball

5. The favourite sport of directors is tennis

6...

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A New Study Conducted on Asians (A joke I came up with,but still not sure if a repost)

A new study conducted on Asians shows that the long held to be true stereotype is partially false. In fact, only 50% of Asians have small penises.

The other 50% are women.

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Did you hear about the new Nazi documents that have been uncovered?

They were conducting experiments involving mixing the DNA of electric eels, dogs, and captured British soldiers.

According to the plans they were quite eel-lab-brit.

Ps: sorry...

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While conducting drills up in a mountain, a soldier gets bit on his penis by a rattlesnake...

The platoon was split into pairs for these drills, and while climbing the mountain, one of them yells out to his partner: "OUCH!! A snake just bit me on my dick! Quick, run down for help!!"

So the other soldier runs his ass down the hill and finds his Lieutenant and explains the situation. Th...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

Where did fraudulent stone age people conduct business?

The concave.

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

A recently conducted study reveals...

Birthdays are good for health

people with more birthdays were found to have lived longer

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

Two scientist were exploring Chernobyl years after the incident.

They were shocked to find a man still living in the area seemingly unaffected by the radiation. They ask the man if he would return with them to conduct some tests to which he agreed.

They explained that as the man was probably highly irradiated, he would have to put on some protective clothi...

A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people

skip his name

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The Study Conducted by the German Scientist

Okay this isn't really a joke but it's kind of interesting, especially if you like dogs. In 1998 a German researcher by the name of Dr. Karl Wagner conducted a study on the agility of dogs. One hundred male dogs and one hundred females dogs each ran a series of increasingly difficult obstacle cours...

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Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson

Once me, a British and an American soldier were conducting a secret operation in Nazi Germany. We were caught, and the Nazis gave us an ultimatum: they will fuck us in the ass and then free or we will be hanged.
The British soldier immediately agreed, he was fucked and freed. American soldier tho...

In a survey conducted in a land far far away it was found that....

6 out of 7 Dwarves are not happy

Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items!

Number 6 won't shock you

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
[email protected] online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

A very bright scientist was conducting experiments on frogs

He spent a lot of time teaching them to jump as they heard the word *jump*.

And so, after he had 10 frogs that could jump when they heard the word *jump*, he took one to the experimentation room, put the frog on the table.

"*Jump*"

Sure enough, the frog jumped. The scientist wro...

why can't coffee conduct electricity?

because it is grounded

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -

"Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !!

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket.

It was a herd shot round the world.

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

A study was just conducted to see what the #1 fear in humans is

The results came back, and it's cats. But something seems a little off. They've only done testing on mice so far

A new test was conducted to study how fat Americans are getting; the test results are as follows:

60% are deemed overweight

30% are deemed morbidly obese

10% ate the test

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A dutch and belgian soldier patroll the river maas. (Srry if repost)

Patrols are conducted on both sides of the river Maas. A Dutch soldier walks on one side, a Belgian soldier on the other. It is early in the morning and there is still some fog on the water.

The Dutch soldier wonders which section of the army the Belgian soldier is on. He wants to ask the Be...

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A man was visiting Japan for a business trip when he decided to buy a prostitute.

That night when the prostitute showed up to his hotel, he spent all night having his way with her. Though, all night, she keeps screaming, "Yoshimoto! Yoshimoto!"

Not knowing what she's saying, he thinks that it means something good.

The next day while conducting business on the golf c...

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