UPJOKE
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I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

What do you call an event that involves money?

An occurrency!

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

Some shapes got involved in an accident.

The circle got up and looked round, the triangle suffered acute injuries and the square was alright.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

My first real estate investment will involve campers and dolphins...

For all intents and porpoises...

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong.

We’ve been married three years now.

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A couple are driving and get involved in a huge crash.

The wife is thrown from the car and killed instantly. The husband wasnt hurt severely from the crash by wearing his seat belt.

When emergency services arrive the man is screaming for his wife and rolling around in pain. Police come and inform him his wife died in the collision.

The m...

There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t ...

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

At an international scout camp, three boys were talking about where babies come from.

A German boy said that the stork brings babies, while a French boy said it involved the mother and father. The American boy was silent.

After some prodding, he finally said “Well, with us it depends on whether you’re from a red state or a blue one.”

My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid…

- “My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid. She cooks soup for homeless people in our city.”
- “And is she good at it?”
- “Oh boy, definitely! Half of the homeless rather found a job already!”

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

I've developed my own style of martial arts that involves defenestration.

I call it Yeet Kune Do.

The guy who made the opening theme music for The Exorcist is getting involved in the canned chicken business.

He’s called it Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Birds.

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

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# POST REMOVED

# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

Breaking World Cup News.

Ivan Toney has denied that the recent betting allegations cost him a place in the England Squad and states he is gutted he will not be involved in Monday's 2-2 draw with Iran..

Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam.

And that man is Michael Scott.

A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, h...

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

What do you call a German involved in WW2 who went undercover after the war?

A veteranaryan.

A Politician tries telling the truth for once

A crisis gripped the State.

"Mr. Politician! How do you intend to solve this crisis!"

"Honestly...? I don't know. This is a very complex situation, with so many moving parts that it's far beyond the understanding of any one person, or even a small group. I don't know what I'm going to ...

Little Red Riding Hood was involved in an accident.

Paramedics are on the scene but she's not out of the woods yet.

Rugby most be the most salacious sport there is....

It is the only sport that has hookers right on the field and involved in every play.

Any jokes that don't involve Elephants;

are irrelephant.

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Kids today.

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other...

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

Marriage involves three rings.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

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I just found out that cock-fighting involves chickens

Well that's 12 months of training wasted

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

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Johhny went to sleep and woke up in heaven

He awoke before the Pearly Gates...

St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Johnny"...

Johnny was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...

St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but...

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

I got a call from the hospital late last night informing me that my wife had been involved in a terrible accident.

I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse “How is she? Can I see her?!”. The nurse replied “I’m so sorry, I’m afraid you’re too late.”

“No worries.” I said. “I’ll come back in the morning.”

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[Almost a real story] My middle school friends and I, when we were in middle school, were talking about our wet dreams. everyone was having a good time talking about the naughty stuff, but my friend Hassan was all quiet and unamused. Later he came to me and said that he wants my thought.

\- So what's up Hassan?

\+ Ali all the guys are having wet dreams and I am not. Am I sick or something?

\- I don't think so. but there must be a reason that you don't. tell me, Do you fap?

\+ Of course I fap.

\- Do you fap a lot...?

\+ not really. once or twice...

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

Four people were involved in a stand off where they all shot and killed eachother.

It was a four gun conclusion.

My job involves drilling holes into the earth

It's well boring

A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell “cah, cah,” but not “bus, bus.”

Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by

My Focus is shot.

Two turtles were involved in a head-on collision, the police turtle asked a bystander turtle how the crash happened?

The bystander turtle said, I don't know, it all happened so fast.

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A man was involved in a terrible car accident.

Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.  

Some months pass and the man finally works up the courage to go out in public. His friends talk...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be frien...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

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How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

A crow was arrested today under suspicion of being involved in a murder

The judge threw the case out. He said he had just caws.

I was involved in quite a bad explosion the other day.

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

I wasn’t sure about getting involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

My friend is involved in a harsh custody battle.

His wife doesn’t want him, and his mother won’t take him back.

Dad: If 2020 and 2021 were involved in a duel who would win?

Me: I'd have to say 2020 won.

Why didn’t 4 get involved in the 789 incident?

He was 2²

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I heard Lorena Bobbit was involved in a road rage incident.

Apparently, some dick cut her off.

My friend is from another culture, and he’ll ask me questions about Christianity

Like this one time, he was confused about the story of the birth of Jesus.

“Why was the mob involved?

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Says right here, that there were three wise guys there.”

(Edited thanks to u/soveranol for the better joke)

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

Sports which involve throwing things.

Discus.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

There isn’t much training involved in being a garbage man

You just pick it up as you go along

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident. They died and went to heaven. At st. Peters gate, they were told it wasn't their time to die, so they will be sent back to earth. As a reward for their good earthly deeds they will allowed to go back to earth as whom they want regardless of timeline.
1st ...

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

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Heated Argument

A General, a Colonel and a Major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex. The General maintained that sex was 60% work and 40% fun. The Colonel said it was 75% work and 25% fun. The major thought it was 90% work and 10% fun.

At the height of the argument, a Private appeared at th...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

Was Donald Trump involved in birther conspiracy?

Yes, he played a small hand in it.

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two.

I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

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I just learned today that cock fighting involves two roosters...

...well there goes a year and a half of intense training.

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A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You'...

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I don't know what's involved in the training for the Paralympics

But it looks fucking dangerous

My friends job involves cloning the DNA of trains.

But I just call him a genetic engineer.

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