The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

My job involves drilling holes into the earth

It's well boring

Marriage involves three rings.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

Four people were involved in a stand off where they all shot and killed eachother.

It was a four gun conclusion.

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I just found out that cock-fighting involves chickens

Well that's 12 months of training wasted

What do you call a German involved in WW2 who went undercover after the war?

A veteranaryan.

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A man was involved in a terrible car accident.

Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.  

Some months pass and the man finally works up the courage to go out in public. His friends talk...

How do you know the CIA weren't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well, he's dead, isn't he?

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

I got a call from the hospital late last night informing me that my wife had been involved in a terrible accident.

I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse “How is she? Can I see her?!”. The nurse replied “I’m so sorry, I’m afraid you’re too late.”

“No worries.” I said. “I’ll come back in the morning.”

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

I was involved in quite a bad explosion the other day.

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

My friend is involved in a harsh custody battle.

His wife doesn’t want him, and his mother won’t take him back.

Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by

My Focus is shot.

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

Two turtles were involved in a head-on collision, the police turtle asked a bystander turtle how the crash happened?

The bystander turtle said, I don't know, it all happened so fast.

I wasn’t sure about getting involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

My friends job involves cloning the DNA of trains.

But I just call him a genetic engineer.

My girlfriend wants to have a baby…

and I don’t, so we’re going to compromise. We’re having a baby but I get to name it. So I’m going to call it Brexit, because although only half of the people involved want it to happen, it’s going to happen anyway.

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

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I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

Dad: If 2020 and 2021 were involved in a duel who would win?

Me: I'd have to say 2020 won.

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A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

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I heard Lorena Bobbit was involved in a road rage incident.

Apparently, some dick cut her off.

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

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So apparently “cockfighting” involves chickens

I am livid! All those years of training for nothing!!!

A crow was arrested today under suspicion of being involved in a murder

The judge threw the case out. He said he had just caws.

Why didn’t 4 get involved in the 789 incident?

He was 2²

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

Was Donald Trump involved in birther conspiracy?

Yes, he played a small hand in it.

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

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I just learned today that cock fighting involves two roosters...

...well there goes a year and a half of intense training.

Not stupid joke at all involves no puns.........

There was a bamboo stalk and a corn stalk who lived in the same neighborhood. The corn didn't really know the bamboo but the bamboo liked to watch the corn and sometimes follow him. The bamboo sometimes said "Sup my HUSKY bro". One day the corn turns around and yells at the bamboo, "STOP STALKING M...

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two.

I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident. They died and went to heaven. At st. Peters gate, they were told it wasn't their time to die, so they will be sent back to earth. As a reward for their good earthly deeds they will allowed to go back to earth as whom they want regardless of timeline.
1st ...

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

Any jokes that don't involve Elephants;

are irrelephant.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

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"Your happiest memory.."

A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village. The reporter asks him: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life...

"Well, th...

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

Uncle Names Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud m...

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell “cah, cah,” but not “bus, bus.”

What kind of math involves trees?

The ones that stump you

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My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?

Discuss

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be frien...

There isn’t much training involved in being a garbage man

You just pick it up as you go along

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute?

A Ronda Rousey fight.

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

A woman pregnant with triplets was involved in a drive by shooting

She was shot three times in the belly, and a bullet hit each one of the babies. Everyone survived, but the doctor told the mother that one day, when their bodies are big enough, the kids will have to pass the bullet out of their system.

About 15 years later one of her daughters called the mot...

What’s the best thing about being involved in human trafficking?

It can really take you places.

Why are the Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

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I don't know what's involved in the training for the Paralympics

But it looks fucking dangerous

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

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I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

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My GF broke up with me over a misunderstanding when we tried a new sexual position

Apparently, her "doggy style" doesn't involve any real dog

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal because...

Everyone who searches for actual news on Elongate will only get 50 pages of a reposted joke from Reddit.

A kid's parents were told that their kid was involved in a fire

The parents said in unison "But arson didn't do it!"

Sports which involve throwing things.

Discus.

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

Brother and sister Yu and So (long)

A young man named Yu and his sister So were involved in a terrible car accident. By some horrible coincidence they both developed amnesia from the accident. So’s amnesia was only partial, remembering much about herself but unable to remember important people in her life. Yu had it much worse, as he ...

I was involved in a car jacking

I just hope none got on the upholstery

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

Working on a new type of martial arts that involves taking money from Hispanics..

called TakeJuan'sDough.

Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

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What do you call a man who uses Greek flatbread to achieve sexual gratification?

In general he's a pitaphile but if there is hummus involved, he's also hummus-sexual.

What do you call a fender bender that involves two airplanes?

A winger dinger.

I took some pictures of a cop involved in criminal activity and brought them to the Washington Post.

Yes, Post. This officer right here.

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