My first real estate investment will involve campers and dolphins...

For all intents and porpoises...

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

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# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

I've developed my own style of martial arts that involves defenestration.

I call it Yeet Kune Do.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t ...

My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid…

- “My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid. She cooks soup for homeless people in our city.”
- “And is she good at it?”
- “Oh boy, definitely! Half of the homeless rather found a job already!”

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam.

And that man is Michael Scott.

Marriage involves three rings

The engagement ring , the wedding ring and the suffe-ring

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

My job involves drilling holes into the earth

It's well boring

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I just found out that cock-fighting involves chickens

Well that's 12 months of training wasted

Little Red Riding Hood was involved in an accident.

Paramedics are on the scene but she's not out of the woods yet.

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

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Heated Argument

A General, a Colonel and a Major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex. The General maintained that sex was 60% work and 40% fun. The Colonel said it was 75% work and 25% fun. The major thought it was 90% work and 10% fun.

At the height of the argument, a Private appeared at th...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

What do you call a German involved in WW2 who went undercover after the war?

A veteranaryan.

Four people were involved in a stand off where they all shot and killed eachother.

It was a four gun conclusion.

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

I once donated a kidney and everyone said I was so selfless and that I was a hero.

Later that month I donated three more and all of a sudden I'm some kind of psychopathic monster and now the police are involved.

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

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A man was involved in a terrible car accident.

Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.  

Some months pass and the man finally works up the courage to go out in public. His friends talk...

I got a call from the hospital late last night informing me that my wife had been involved in a terrible accident.

I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse “How is she? Can I see her?!”. The nurse replied “I’m so sorry, I’m afraid you’re too late.”

“No worries.” I said. “I’ll come back in the morning.”

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

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An old lady shows up to a bank..

An old lady shows up at the Bank of Canada one morning with a bag of money.
The old lady insists on talking to the president of the bank about opening a savings account because, she says, she has a lot of money.
After much discussion, an employee took him to the president's office.
The Pre...

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

I was involved in quite a bad explosion the other day.

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

Speeding

**Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"**


**The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."**
...

My friends job involves cloning the DNA of trains.

But I just call him a genetic engineer.

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I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by

My Focus is shot.

Four psychologists are talking . . .

. . . and one says "all day long we listen to people's guilts and fears, but we have no one to go to with our problems. Why don't we take some time right now and hear each other out?" The other three agree.

The first psychologist confesses "I have an almost uncontrollable desire to kill m...

Two turtles were involved in a head-on collision, the police turtle asked a bystander turtle how the crash happened?

The bystander turtle said, I don't know, it all happened so fast.

My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

In the Soviet Union they don't play Minesweeper.

They play Oursweeper.

It involves a bunch of players who must each click on a different square simultaneously. And repeat until they are all dead.

My friend is involved in a harsh custody battle.

His wife doesn’t want him, and his mother won’t take him back.

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Two older couple…

Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now...

Why was the pigeon arrested in Washington?

For its involvement in an attempted coo

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There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

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So apparently “cockfighting” involves chickens

I am livid! All those years of training for nothing!!!

I wasn’t sure about getting involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

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I just learned today that cock fighting involves two roosters...

...well there goes a year and a half of intense training.

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book...

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book... And every time she gets rude when I tell her we don't have it.

Finally today I lost my temper and screamed at her to take her entitled attitude and get out of the store. There was some...

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two.

I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.

Dad: If 2020 and 2021 were involved in a duel who would win?

Me: I'd have to say 2020 won.

A crow was arrested today under suspicion of being involved in a murder

The judge threw the case out. He said he had just caws.

Not stupid joke at all involves no puns.........

There was a bamboo stalk and a corn stalk who lived in the same neighborhood. The corn didn't really know the bamboo but the bamboo liked to watch the corn and sometimes follow him. The bamboo sometimes said "Sup my HUSKY bro". One day the corn turns around and yells at the bamboo, "STOP STALKING M...

Why didn’t 4 get involved in the 789 incident?

He was 2²

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I heard Lorena Bobbit was involved in a road rage incident.

Apparently, some dick cut her off.

Any jokes that don't involve Elephants;

are irrelephant.

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

Mathew connoisseur from Connecticut woke up one morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight

with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall. He smashed the first bottle swearing, "You are the reason I fight with my wife". He smashed the sec...

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Was Donald Trump involved in birther conspiracy?

Yes, he played a small hand in it.

What kind of math involves trees?

The ones that stump you

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

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My preferred method for making liquor involves using my rectum.

It's a little unconventional, butt still.

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?

Discuss

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident. They died and went to heaven. At st. Peters gate, they were told it wasn't their time to die, so they will be sent back to earth. As a reward for their good earthly deeds they will allowed to go back to earth as whom they want regardless of timeline.
1st ...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be frien...

A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell “cah, cah,” but not “bus, bus.”

What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute?

A Ronda Rousey fight.

I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

World renowned singer-songwriter Billy Joel questioned about Fox News tree blaze

Authorities in New York City say that they briefly questioned award-winning musical superstar William Martin Joel about his potential involvement in a Wednesday morning blaze of the Christmas tree in front of Fox NewsCorp's headquarters in Midtown Manhattan.

Police say they questioned the 72 ...

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

There isn’t much training involved in being a garbage man

You just pick it up as you go along

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

What are the people involved in the beef industry called?

Steak-holders.

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I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

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I don't know what's involved in the training for the Paralympics

But it looks fucking dangerous

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

A woman pregnant with triplets was involved in a drive by shooting

She was shot three times in the belly, and a bullet hit each one of the babies. Everyone survived, but the doctor told the mother that one day, when their bodies are big enough, the kids will have to pass the bullet out of their system.

About 15 years later one of her daughters called the mot...

Working on a new type of martial arts that involves taking money from Hispanics..

called TakeJuan'sDough.

What’s the best thing about being involved in human trafficking?

It can really take you places.

Sports which involve throwing things.

Discus.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal because...

Everyone who searches for actual news on Elongate will only get 50 pages of a reposted joke from Reddit.

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I found a great way to lose weight and it involves sitting down

awww; nevermind it's a shitty idea

My girlfriend wants to have a baby…

and I don’t, so we’re going to compromise. We’re having a baby but I get to name it. So I’m going to call it Brexit, because although only half of the people involved want it to happen, it’s going to happen anyway.

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A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You'...

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