What do you call someone who removes a tumor in the middle of the night?

An on-call-ogist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

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My friend decided to remove one of his testicles after he found a lump.

He takes his mashed potatoes very seriously.

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When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

Alcohol removes pimples and warts.

Not from me. From the people I look at.

Petition to remove titles once and for all

[me, ordering cake through the phone]
“What would you like the cake to say?
.
[covering the phone to talk to my friend] : do we want a talking cake?

What do you get when you remove the Y from analysis.

Alabama

I once spent 5 minutes trying to remove a photocopied image of a staple from a document.

Nothing worked until I xeroxed the staple remover.

A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?

Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.

Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?

Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.

Woman: Just so that I'm more co...

Donald Trump better not remove Justice Ginsberg from the supreme court.

that would be ruthless

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my thin...

What do you get if you remove the horn from a unicorn?

A eunuch

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Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

What happens when you remove 90% talent from 50 cent?

You get a Nickelback

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

I don't understand why people get so mad when someone removes their own question from Stackoverflow...

nvm, I figured it out.

What is under you, if you remove one letter on top of you, and if you remove two letters around you?

Chair
(Hair,
Air)

my girlfriend refuses to remove her leg hair

man...I hate these anti-waxxers

What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder finally removes team's controversial and offensive name.

He announced yesterday they will be removing the "Washington" from their name.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache....

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

What do you get when you remove the venom from a snake?

A belt.

A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....

Should have gone to Burka king.

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A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the sp...

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The iPhone X removes the home button.

Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels.

It took me an hour to remove a shard of glass from my donkey after it kicked in a window.

It was a pane in the ass.

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

The oxford english dictonary once debated whether or not to remove the letter 'u' from the alphabet. Why didn't they?

Because of Rick Astley

I woke up deciding to remove all the negativity from my life

so i killed myself

What is Iron Man when he removes his suit?

Stark naked.

My girlfriend is so scared of spiders that she removes herself from the house until I get rid of them.

I've been living alone and peacefully for six hours now.

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

Fun fact: if you take a man, remove all of his blood vessels and lay them out end to end...

He’ll die

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

I invented a robot to remove the cartridge from my gaming console and replace it with another.

It was a game changer!

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

How does Justin Bieber remove a condom?

He farts

Texas refuses to remove its statues.

Hurricane volunteers to help.

I didn't know how to help our screaming baby. My wife stared at me and told me to remove the nappy.

I said, "But I think it suits me."

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You me...

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

“What are the three tests?" asks the man

“Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here's...

Why does Hitler like acetone?

It's a Polish Remover

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.



To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that sh...

So Germany is going to fine companies that fail to remove hate speech and terrorist related content...

Maybe instead of companies like YouTube manually checking videos, they should just Autobahn.

At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.

They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.

If I had to remove any part in my body

I'd remove my spine, it's holding me back.

How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?

You ask them to leave.

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...

But it turns out it was all in vain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She repli...

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.

I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

Had to remove the seconds hand from my watch..

was really starting to tick me off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?

[removed]

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