The 106+ Best Remove Jokes

Doctor : I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did America remove the "u" from "colour"?

Because fuck u

that's why

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

What is Iron Man when he removes his suit?

Stark naked.

My wife let me remove all of her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it’s more sluggish.

Do you know how can I remove this stain from my dress?

- Come again?
- No, this time is red wine…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the man remove the Swiss Army knife from his rectum safely without hurting himself?

Please answer soon it’s starting to hurt

You should never remove ice from your windshield with a discount card

It only takes off 20%

How many Soviets did it take to remove a lightbulb?

Two.

One to remove it.

Another to accuse the first guy of being a bourgeois saboteur spy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

Doctor: Unfortunately sir, we had to remove part of your colon due to the cancer

Me. Oh my gosh

I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries...

They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in our universe but if you remove it you get gravy

also austria is not part of nato

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

There's a new skin treatment where expensive shoe leather is used to scrub and remove a layer of dead skin

It's called a Jordan peel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed....

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mods removed the previous joke that summited about my penis.

It was improperly tagged as long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I ever become famous, I'm gonna kiss another guy publicly just to remove homophones from my fan base.

John and Jon, that means you.

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

I told my wife, “Did you know our next door neighbor was in a hospital and had half of his intestines removed?”

Her: Is he in a coma?

Me: No, a semi colon.

How do you remove all the Russian tanks stuck in the fields outside Kyiv?

Ukraine them out.

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

What do you have if you are unable to remove a paperweight from your pile of timber industry investment certificates?

A stuck stack of stick stocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a lump, so my doctor friend suggested that I have one of my testicles removed.

He really takes his mashed potatoes extremely seriously.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once travelled the Trans-Sahara Highway in an old funeral coach with all of the badges removed.

I suppose you could say I've been through the desert in a hearse with no name.

You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla Removal

" A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a la...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

Why did the old witch in the woods get removed from the Grimm's fairy tales?

Hansel Culture.

\-- Late Night with Seth Meyers

(I apologize for this)

What do you call it when you remove a dog from public office?

An impoochment!

Why did the blonde remove the lense from her eye and draw circles around it for hours?

She was practicing before her interview to be a contact tracer.

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that's plaguing the donut industry?

Cut out the middle, man.

A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils.

Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.

Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has just removed her clothes to get into the shower when she hears a knock on the door.

Woman: "Who is it?"

Blind Guy: "It's the blind guy!"

Woman: *Well, he can't see me anyway....* (opens the door)

Blind Guy: "Nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"

Credit: A barber in SC years ago. If it's a repost, I'm sorry.

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

When I was a baby, I had to have surgery to remove 10 nipples, I still have 2. But yes, I was born with 12.

Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

A woman with five kids went to a dentist to have a tooth removed

The woman said "Doc, I must admit i've been DREADING this. I'd just as soon have another baby before I'd have a tooth pulled!"

The dentist said "Well, make up your mind- i have to adjust the chair."

What would you call it when a bald man finally removes his ponytail?

A hipsterectomy.

A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus

Other doctors point out this is already a well known operation

The doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have kidney stones removed so to prepare for surgery…

I wrote “I was in the pool!” on a sticky note an stuck it to my penis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had the words "I love you" tattoed on my dick. Wife made me remove it because...

she said I was always trying to put words into her mouth.

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

In mother amarica you remove the polish with chemicals.

In fatherland germany we remove the Polish with chemicals.

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

Why did the deceased mans family remove his chair from the living room.

The carpet was getting depressed.

I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

Why did the scientist remove the bell off the house?

Because he wanted to win the NoBell prize.

I read an article about doctors taking almost a week to remove food lodged in a man’s throat.

“Dad chokes for days”

How does Justin Bieber remove a condom?

He farts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Why is it wrong to remove the leaves from a tree?

It's shear madness.

The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently the surgeon who removes testicles is a great doctor

His patients all speak very highly of him

When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches....

.... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers?

A misdirectomy.

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

She told me to remove the bra, so i did. Then she told me to remove the panties, so i did. Then she looked me the eyes and said

Stop wearing my underwear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

It's so hard to remove Trump from the White House.

Because it's difficult to remove a mental health patient from government housing.

Not mine. Feel free to remove if it's a repost.

Year 2030.
Aliens invade the Earth.
\- Take a look! It seems that all earthlings died from some kind of virus?
\- Yes, that's true, but look how clean their asses are!

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

What happens when you remove 90% talent from 50 cent?

You get a Nickelback

Ok Mods I want to know why my post was removed.

It's annoying because my fence keeps falling down.

I decided to remove all the mirrors from my home.

Not a good idea on reflection

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

I was arrested for allowing Gordon Sumner to remove my tonsils.

Turns out The Police were running a Sting operation.

My friend just told me that he had his third nipple surgically removed.

He just needed to get it off his chest.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.