This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?

Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.

Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?

Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.

Woman: Just so that I'm more co...

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

What do you get if you remove the horn from a unicorn?

A eunuch

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my thin...

What happens when you remove 90% talent from 50 cent?

You get a Nickelback

What do you get when you remove the Y from analysis.

Alabama

Donald Trump better not remove Justice Ginsberg from the supreme court.

that would be ruthless

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

I don't understand why people get so mad when someone removes their own question from Stackoverflow...

nvm, I figured it out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

my girlfriend refuses to remove her leg hair

man...I hate these anti-waxxers

What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder finally removes team's controversial and offensive name.

He announced yesterday they will be removing the "Washington" from their name.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you remove ice from the windows of a plane?

Using a skyscraper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the sp...

What do you get when you remove the venom from a snake?

A belt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache....

A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....

Should have gone to Burka king.

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The iPhone X removes the home button.

Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels.

The oxford english dictonary once debated whether or not to remove the letter 'u' from the alphabet. Why didn't they?

Because of Rick Astley

I woke up deciding to remove all the negativity from my life

so i killed myself

It took me an hour to remove a shard of glass from my donkey after it kicked in a window.

It was a pane in the ass.

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

My girlfriend is so scared of spiders that she removes herself from the house until I get rid of them.

I've been living alone and peacefully for six hours now.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

​

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of her...

Fun fact: if you take a man, remove all of his blood vessels and lay them out end to end...

He’ll die

What is Iron Man when he removes his suit?

Stark naked.

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

I invented a robot to remove the cartridge from my gaming console and replace it with another.

It was a game changer!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

Texas refuses to remove its statues.

Hurricane volunteers to help.

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You me...

How does Justin Bieber remove a condom?

He farts

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

Why does Hitler like acetone?

It's a Polish Remover

So Germany is going to fine companies that fail to remove hate speech and terrorist related content...

Maybe instead of companies like YouTube manually checking videos, they should just Autobahn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.

They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.

How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?

You ask them to leave.

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

If I had to remove any part in my body

I'd remove my spine, it's holding me back.

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.

I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...

But it turns out it was all in vain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She repli...

Had to remove the seconds hand from my watch..

was really starting to tick me off

A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

There are 500 bricks on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

.
499.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Open door. Insert elephant. Close door.

How do you put a giraffe into a fridge?

Open door. Remove elephant. Insert giraffe. Close door.

The lion king is having a birthday party. Two animals are missing. Who are ...

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure th...

What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?

[removed]

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...

It only made it more sluggish.

Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi says he...