If you Remove the Shell from A. ....

If you Remove the Shell from A Snail it Actually Doesn't Make Faster, but Instead Makes it More Sluggish. ...

I was arrested for allowing Gordon Sumner to remove my tonsils.

Turns out The Police were running a Sting operation.

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a few weeks, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

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The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. F...

My dentist removed the wrong tooth

It was accidental.

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What's the similarity between Hitler and my sister?

They both used chemicals to remove the polish.

An inmate went to see the prison doctor and was dismayed to be told that he needed to have one of his kidneys removed. “Look,” said the prisoner, “you’ve already removed my tonsils, my adenoids, my spleen and my gallbladder, and now you want my kidney?

I only came to you in the first place to see if you could get me out of here.


The doctor was unruffled “And that’s exactly what I’m doing,” he answered, “bit by bit.

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

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I started my girlfriend up like a chainsaw last night.

But, now she's mad at me because, evidently, you're supposed to remove anal beads SLOWLY!

My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother ...

My uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

My wife said I was breathtaking in bed.

So I removed her oxygen mask. RIP Marie.

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A man goes to a doctor for headaches

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to re...

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

So shespends $ 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happ...

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Why is capitalization important?

because using chemicals to remove polish is just an annoying thing people have to do with their nails but using chemicals to remove Polish is one of hitler's war crimes.

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A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine.

I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did....

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A white woman, an asian woman, and a black woman are seated next to each other on a plane...

The pilot announces that they've lost the engines and instructs the passengers to prepare for a crash landing. Panic erupts on the plane as it begins to rapidly descend. The white lady quickly gets out her purse and starts touching up her make-up. The other two women asked 'What are you doing?' t...

When I was 3, I had a pet snail.

I always wondered why it was so slow. After a while I figured "maybe it's that shell of his"
So I removed it, but it didn't make him any faster.
He became really sluggish.

From my late Polish grandpa

A man moved to a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, and fell in love with the community because everyone was so nice, happy and good looking.

Upon his next doctor’s visit, he asked, “Doctor, how do I become Polish? Everyone is so nice, happy and good looking.”

“Easy!” his doctor responde...

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Hair removal

Andrea, found out her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurri...

Job interview for a TV news anchor

At a job interview for a TV news anchor an applicant seems very qualified and well suited for the job. But the recruiters notice an uncontrolled wink in the man's right eye. They tell him that he'd be great for the job if it wasn't for the frequent winking, which probably won't go down well with the...

How do turn root beer into beer?

.. Put it in a square glass

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Doctor Visit

A guy goes to his doctor and complains that he can't get an erection anymore when trying to have sex with his wife.

The doctor ponders the situation, and then asks the patient to come to his office the next day, and bring his wife along.

The next day the guy, and his wife arrive, and m...

What do panties and nail polish have in common?

Both can be removed with alchohol.

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house.

It was delicious.

Why did apple remove headphone jack from iPhone?

Because Tim Cook prefers one hole underneath instead of two.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Doctor: I’m afraid we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

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An old man is in the hospital

A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?"

So he asks again, "Are my testicles black?"

Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in her han...

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A man was out fishing in his tuxedo...

A curious onlooker stopped and asked him,"Excuse me.I was just wondering why your fishing in a tuxedo?"

The man replied,"I just got married."

"Well, congratulations" He said. "But shouldn't you be in that hotel room banging that new bride."

"Well, normally yeah, but she has AIDS...

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A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.

The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and ...

I saw a snail creeping slowly across the ground.

I thought if I remove his shell, he could move faster. But it only made him more sluggish.

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Are my Testicles black?

One day an old man was taken into the recovery room he had a biopsy, he also had an oxygen mask on. The nurse walks in and takes his vitals to which he asks "Are my testicles black?". The nurse looks confused and brushes it off. When shes done he asks again "Are my testicles black?". Again she ignor...

A man goes to a doctor

He says, "Whenever I have coffee or tea, I feel a sharp pain in my eye."

The doctor was confused. He had never heard of anything like it before. He conducted various tests on the patient, but still could not understand what was happening. Tired and frustrated, he went back home. Suddenly, he ...

Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?

On her bedroom dresser he found a bottle of "polish remover."

Elephant jokes

How do you put four elephants in a Cadillac?

Two in the front and two in the back

How to put a hippo in a Cadillac?

Throw out one of the elephants

How to you put three elephants in the fridge?

Remove the elfs from the top and bottom shelfs, put one on the top shelf...

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

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A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

Why was the vampire removed as CEO?

He couldn't appeal to the stakeholders.

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The priest and the nun.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks prett...

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Genie in a bottle

One day a man found a bottle, he rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie tells the man that he will grant 3 wishes but his sworn enemy will get double. The first thing he wishes for is 1 million dollars. The genie says ok but your enemy gets 2 million. His next wish was for 24 of the most beautifu...

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My first time buying condoms

When I was 13, I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful women assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me a package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.” So she unwrapped th...

Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special.

Edit: That's stupid, Jack. I removed the H from my name coz it saves ink in my printer.

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

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Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

My wife

My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.

"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off

"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.

"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.

"Now remove my bra", I ...

A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?

Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.

Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?

Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.

Woman: Just so that I'm more co...

I'm off to have my legs removed.

I won't be long.

Alcohol removes pimples and warts.

Not from me. From the people I look at.

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

What do you get when you remove the Y from analysis.

Alabama

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

I tried to get a job as a professional band aid remover.

But I couldn’t pull it off.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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When women remove the polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it, everyone loses their shit

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

Petition to remove titles once and for all

[me, ordering cake through the phone]
“What would you like the cake to say?
.
[covering the phone to talk to my friend] : do we want a talking cake?

Donald Trump better not remove Justice Ginsberg from the supreme court.

that would be ruthless

My mom got part of her colon removed.

Now she has a semicolon!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I had to see the doctor to have a mole removed from my penis.

The lesson here is don't try to have sex with a mole.

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My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

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(NSFW) Did you hear Caitlyn Jenner had her penis surgically reattached, then decided to have it removed once again?

She’s redickless

What do you get if you remove the horn from a unicorn?

A eunuch

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

What happens when you remove 90% talent from 50 cent?

You get a Nickelback

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

But if you remove it, you get gravy.

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

I don't understand why people get so mad when someone removes their own question from Stackoverflow...

nvm, I figured it out.

Women are like grenades....

Remove the ring and your house is gone

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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