If you’re removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes

Those will just slow you down

What will happen if you take out an eye from a waiter?

He will become water.

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

Mom: Can you take out the trash?

Me: Sure. Where do you want to go?

My mom wanted me to take out the trash.

Now she panicking trying to find me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not the kinda guy that takes out a girl and spend $300 and think that she owes me sex.

That's cause I don't think sex is worth $300.

If I take out a girl and spend $300 on a date then she owes me money.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

My dad told me to take out the garbage, but I said no..

I refuse.

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happens after you take out a loan

Looks like it's paying off

I ordered Chinese take out from a place around the corner

Just went to pick it up and as I was driving home I heard the bag rustling and moving!!!

I thought what on earth is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could even see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenge...

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins

Why did the chicken take out the cassette?

To get to the other side

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

My wife asked me to take out the trash.

I didn't know that her mother was home tonight.

I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes.

It reminded me of you.

I asked my wife to take out the trash, and she said, "I'd sooner die. Find someone else to do your dirty work."

Can anyone recommend a good hitman?

Why did the fruits take out a $30,000 loan for their wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...

to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese hooker. In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his h...

The loan officer approved my plan to go forward and take out a mortgage for the horse farm I've been looking at.

He called it a stable investment.

A frog went to the bank to take out a mortgage.

He sat down with Patty Mack the banker, and began the negotiations.

His credit score wasn't bad, but when it came to the subject of collateral, he was a little unsure. Collectables and other odds and ends were all he had to offer.

Patty was not convinced. No car? No property? Littl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Life insurance

An elderly man goes to the life insurer to make a contract with them, but the lady there asks:
- How old are you, Sir?
- I'm 102 years old.
- 102 ?! And you want to take out life insurance at your age? Do you know what? Come back tomorrow.
- Not good tomorrow. Then it will be...

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

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