UPJOKE
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Take Out Jokes

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

How do you take out a group of clowns?

You go straight for the Juggler.

What do call undelivered orders from a take out restaurant?

Leftuber

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

Why did the blacksmith take out the trash?

Because it smelt bad.

Just came up with this taking out the trash.

My wife asked me to take out the trash

I spend few hours drinking with the trash, nice guy to hang out with.

Mom: Can you take out the trash?

Me: Sure. Where do you want to go?

What will happen if you take out an eye from a waiter?

He will become water.

My mom wanted me to take out the trash.

Now she panicking trying to find me.

If you’re removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes

Those will just slow you down

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

If you are having trouble unlocking your front door, take out your wallet and arrange all the bills in mathematical order.

Because organizing your finances is key.

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

I ordered Chinese take out from a place around the corner

Just went to pick it up and as I was driving home I heard the bag rustling and moving!!!

I thought what on earth is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could even see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenge...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happens after you take out a loan

Looks like it's paying off

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

Why did the chicken take out the cassette?

To get to the other side

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...

to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese hooker. In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his h...

Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins

An Englishman, Frenchman and Turk

Were all in a train cabin. Feeling a little warm, the Frenchman opened the window and a little fly came buzzing in.

Wanting to impress the other two, the Frenchman takes out his sword and in one swoop sliced the fly in half. Feeling proud of himself, closes the window and hands out his busine...

I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes.

It reminded me of you.

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