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I'm not the kinda guy that takes out a girl and spend $300 and think that she owes me sex.

That's cause I don't think sex is worth $300.

If I take out a girl and spend $300 on a date then she owes me money.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

My dad told me to take out the garbage, but I said no..

I refuse.

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happens after you take out a loan

Looks like it's paying off

Word on the street is that an Iranian lawmaker is trying to take out the President

He should know that the President has a preference for hamburgers and caviar.

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

I ordered Chinese take out from a place around the corner

Just went to pick it up and as I was driving home I heard the bag rustling and moving!!!

I thought what on earth is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could even see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenge...

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

Why did the chicken take out the cassette?

To get to the other side

My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

My wife asked me to take out the trash.

I didn't know that her mother was home tonight.

I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes.

It reminded me of you.

The loan officer approved my plan to go forward and take out a mortgage for the horse farm I've been looking at.

He called it a stable investment.

Why did the fruits take out a $30,000 loan for their wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

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Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...

to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese hooker. In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his h...

What do Koreans need when they take out the dog?

Oven mitts

A frog went to the bank to take out a mortgage.

He sat down with Patty Mack the banker, and began the negotiations.

His credit score wasn't bad, but when it came to the subject of collateral, he was a little unsure. Collectables and other odds and ends were all he had to offer.

Patty was not convinced. No car? No property? Littl...

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

Why - what are YOU afraid of?

A cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her license and registration.

The LOL says, "Before I reach for my license, you should know I have a .45 in my purse."

The cop says, "Thank you for telling me. Please move very slowly when you take out your license!"

The LOL says, ...

Student: Sir! Can I ask you a question?

TEACHER: Yes!

STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

TEACHER: I don't know.

STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

TEACHER: Ok, ask.

STUDENT: How to put a donkey inside the fridge?

TEACHER: It's eas...

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“I don’t know, but...”

Joe walks into a bathroom. He walks up to a urinal and unzips his pants when he hears “Psst.. buddy. Can you help a guy out?” Joe looks over and sees a man standing a couple urinals down. “Uh.. what?” inquires Joe. “Buddy, I need help unzipping my fly,” responds the man, who upon saying so nods his ...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

They want to buy a gallon of MD2020, the clerk says I can’t sell alcohol to nuns. The nuns say it’s for mother superiors constipation, so he sells it to them. A half an hour later the clerk goes to take out the trash and he finds the two nuns stinking drunk. He says Sisters I’m shocked, you said it ...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

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