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A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

Why did the blacksmith take out the trash?

Because it smelt bad.

Just came up with this taking out the trash.

If you are having trouble unlocking your front door, take out your wallet and arrange all the bills in mathematical order.

Because organizing your finances is key.

My wife asked me to take out the trash

I spend few hours drinking with the trash, nice guy to hang out with.

What will happen if you take out an eye from a waiter?

He will become water.

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

If you’re removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes

Those will just slow you down

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

Mom: Can you take out the trash?

Me: Sure. Where do you want to go?

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

My dad told me to take out the garbage, but I said no..

I refuse.

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

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I'm not the kinda guy that takes out a girl and spend $300 and think that she owes me sex.

That's cause I don't think sex is worth $300.

If I take out a girl and spend $300 on a date then she owes me money.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happens after you take out a loan

Looks like it's paying off

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

I ordered Chinese take out from a place around the corner

Just went to pick it up and as I was driving home I heard the bag rustling and moving!!!

I thought what on earth is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could even see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenge...

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

Why did the chicken take out the cassette?

To get to the other side

I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes.

It reminded me of you.

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Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...

to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese hooker. In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his h...

Why did the fruits take out a $30,000 loan for their wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

I asked my wife to take out the trash, and she said, "I'd sooner die. Find someone else to do your dirty work."

Can anyone recommend a good hitman?

The loan officer approved my plan to go forward and take out a mortgage for the horse farm I've been looking at.

He called it a stable investment.

I had to take out a restraining order against my molar...

...it was abscessed with me.

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

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What is the difference between a fridge and a vagina?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take out some meat.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

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This bloke goes out to the bush to visit a mate...

He's there for a couple of days, until he's bored shitless. So he says to his mate, "Fuck me rotten, I'm so bored. What do you do for fun mate?"

His mate replies, "Well, you can go shooting tomorrow if you like. Take out my 303 and my dogs. That's always fun."

So he goes out the nex...

Library Line

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take y...

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