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I'm not the kinda guy that takes out a girl and spend $300 and think that she owes me sex.

That's cause I don't think sex is worth $300.

If I take out a girl and spend $300 on a date then she owes me money.

My dad told me to take out the garbage, but I said no..

I refuse.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happens after you take out a loan

Looks like it's paying off

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

Word on the street is that an Iranian lawmaker is trying to take out the President

He should know that the President has a preference for hamburgers and caviar.

I ordered Chinese take out from a place around the corner

Just went to pick it up and as I was driving home I heard the bag rustling and moving!!!

I thought what on earth is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could even see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenge...

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

A stranger asked me to take out my watch and see how fast he could circle a fountain

I told him I didn’t have the time for this

What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

My wife asked me to take out the trash.

I didn't know that her mother was home tonight.

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out.

OP will not deliver

I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes.

It reminded me of you.

I asked my wife to take out the trash, and she said, "I'd sooner die. Find someone else to do your dirty work."

Can anyone recommend a good hitman?

The loan officer approved my plan to go forward and take out a mortgage for the horse farm I've been looking at.

He called it a stable investment.

I had to take out a restraining order against my molar...

...it was abscessed with me.

Why did the fruits take out a $30,000 loan for their wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

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Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...

to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese hooker. In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his h...

A frog went to the bank to take out a mortgage.

He sat down with Patty Mack the banker, and began the negotiations.

His credit score wasn't bad, but when it came to the subject of collateral, he was a little unsure. Collectables and other odds and ends were all he had to offer.

Patty was not convinced. No car? No property? Littl...

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question

Teacher: Yes!

Student: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

Teacher: I don't know.

Student: it's easy. You just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

Teacher: Okay ask!

Student: How to put a donkey inside the fridge??

Teacher: It's e...

Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

Jeff goes to the grocery store.

Jeff - (to the clerk) can I get those dog biscuits?

Clerk - sure sir, would you like to eat in or take out?

A guy is out fishing and runs out of bait...

And he sees a snake that slithered into his boat with a frog in his mouth. He’s fishing for big fish, so he thinks the frog should do for bait. He picks up the frog close to his head, and the snake goes limp enough for him to take out the frog. Well, the fisherman didn’t think too far through with ...

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it !! Healthy p...

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Sailor has some balls

Two Generals of the Army and Marines are joined by an Admiral of the Navy around a campfire off the landing zone doing shots of rye whiskey when someone calls out and asks who’s got the most balls.

The Marine General goes all right and says, “Marine,” over the radio, “I want you to take that ...

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