I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged a...

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

If you go into the bathroom American, and you leave the bathroom American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European.

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My wife leaves out her dildo

My wife leaves dildo out and my son sees it so i kick it under the bed.

Son: What was that?

Me: A mouse

Son: its sure had a big dick

A cop lies in wait as a group leaves a bar

Finally closing time, he dims his lights and waits for the group to get in their vehicles.

As the people get to their cars, the first car to leave the parking lot swerves a bit, pops the curb slightly, continues on and gets back on the road and makes a slow start to head home. Seeing this, th...

Would a lion leave its wife?

No, but a tiger wood.

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligat...

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

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I always masturbate before I leave the house.

That way I last longer when I masturbate on the bus.

What does every tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

An old man always leaves his fishing trips with tons of fish.

-my recently deceased grandpa told this all his life-


The game warden always asked him “How’d you catch so many fish?”

The old man would always say “Fisherman’s secret, can’t tell you.”

After about a year of asking, the old man finally agrees to take him fishing. As the two ...

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I love my job! I'm on paid leave for weeks, maybe months.

All I had to do was shoot an unarmed black man. I love being a cop.

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

My wife and kids are going to leave me accusing me of being obsessed with horse racing

And they’re offfffff

Man: Boss, can I leave early today?

Boss: Only if you make up the time.

Man: Fine. It’s 35 past 70.

Boss: You’re fired.

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I don't stop singing "I'm a believer" from the Shrek Movie

Then I saw her face...

This is a story about a man. His wife has told him that if he ever comes home drunk she will leave him.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend is helpful.

“Go home,” he says. “Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her t...

It was so hot today that I didn't dare to leave my dog alone in the car.

In the end I decided to leave my baby there too to keep him company.

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

Why don't people from Alabama like to leave their state?

Because it's their incestral home

- Boss, I need to leave 2 hours earlier, my wife wants me to go shopping with her.

- No way, go back to work.
- Thank you boss, I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

My wife told me that if I took one more picture of her, she'd leave me

That's when I snapped!

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My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

I used to be a beekeeper, but my wife demanded that I either leave her or the bees because she had so many stings. At first, I thought this couldn't be true.

Then I saw her face, ...

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

My girlfriend wouldn’t leave me alone about my obsession with wanting to be Mysterio...

but all I had to do was turn off the projector.

Why couldn't the whistleblower leave Russia?

He was snowed in.

I keep trying to leave Rome...

But all the roads have this weird thing...

Wife threatened to leave me

My wife threatened to leave me because of my “filthy and disgusting habits.”

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do two bisexuals tell each other when it's time to leave?

Bi bi!

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

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My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will and she's going to leave everything to me.

Well, she can fuck right off and hire a Lawyer.

Tight bitch.

They told me true love would never leave you in your life.

I guess I've already found it. Crippling deppression would never leave me in my life.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

Two nuns leave the abbey on their bicycles to spend the day in town. A road closure forces them to take a different route home....

"I've never come this way before," the first nun says.

The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

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Why did the plumber leave his job?

He was sick of everyone's shit.

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

What did the yogi say when asked to leave?

Nah, I’mma stay.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

Why do leaves change color in Autumn?

Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.

A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her. His brother answers the phone.

"Hey! I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"

His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how t...

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

What did one gekko say to the other gekko when they were ready to leave?

Let’s gekkoing

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

What do you call a pepper that won’t leave you alone?

Jalapeño business

Basketball players don't like to leave their home town

We hate travelling so much.

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

I was supposed to be teaching origami to kids but I had to leave halfway through

I guess you could say that I folded

How does a frog get its leaves from a tree?

They rippit

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.

How did she find out the password to my computer?

NSFW. Why did Princess Leia leave Han Solo?

Because he always shoots first

Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was Snowden

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium

Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?

PSW: Don't do it

Me: It's a nickeless cage

PSW: LEAVE!

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?

I told a poltergeist that I'd give him $10,000 to leave my home forever

But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house

I can't believe my girlfriend would leave me for being "insecure"!

Oh wait, she just went to make a cup of tea.

Why did the terrorist's wife leave him?

She didn't know what jihad.

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

Wife asks. “can you leave me some of your donut?”

Husband replies “Ok, I’ll leave you the hole!”

What does an Indian who refuses to leave say?

Namaste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this really shy guy who never leaves his room.

Although he is desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he's terribly self- conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye.

Finally, his best friend says, "Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you've simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the dance on Sat...

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

What did the fallen leaves say to the gardener?

Blow me

The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

The hunchback of Notre Dame had to go on sick leave today

He was burned out

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

I hate it when people leave the door open...

It leaves me pretty unhinged

After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune.

He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.

Two men are talking about how they want to leave the world.

“I’d like to go out like my uncle,” says the first man. “He died at the racetrack.”



The second man says he’d like to go out like his grandfather. “He just died peacefully. Fell asleep and never woke up or made a sound. Nothing like the people riding in his bus.”



Why do French riot police leave early for work?

So they can beat the crowd.

My neighbors leave their windows open, so last night

He conquered, She came, I saw.

What kind of dog leaves a permanent mark?

A Shar Pei

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.


His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to hi...

What does Asian Khajiit say when you leave his store in?

Arigatou gozaimasu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig?

because he forgot toupee

do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

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