If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

Why does Batman leave his lower face visible?

So cops can see that he's white

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That...

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

How do you get the bass player to leave the party?

Pay him for the pizza.

Why did Santa's wife leave him?

He was an alcohohoholic.

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Why did the guy from Dirty Jobs’ wife leave him?

Because of his Mike Rowe penis.

Trump is the first person in American history who is refusing to concede and leave the White House despite losing the election.

I think he really wants to be the precedent.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

Biden’s all-female communications team will leave his Twitter unmanned.

Thank God

I caught my wife cheating. This isn’t the first time. I have asked her to leave the family home. I have filled for divorce and will ask for full custody of the kids and the dog. I thought 2020 couldn’t get much worse.

Hopefully this is the last time she steals monopoly money, when playing as the banker.

They say to upset a blind man, leave the plunger in the toilet...

But I think you'd frustrate him more by putting door handles all over the wall.

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the ba...

Why did Barbie leave Ken?

Because he came in another box.

A private asks his commanding officer for a few days leave.

The private explains that his wife is going to have a baby. The commanding officer is very supportive, and approves the request.

The next week when the private returns the commanding officer asks, "So private, was it a boy or a girl."

"Don't be silly, sir," says the private. "It takes ...

What did the wig maker leave to his children after he died?

Heirlooms

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

What do you call a car covered in leaves?

An autumnobile.

What animal leaves their family after its baby is born?

Bison

Trump doesn’t want to leave the White House.

Unfortunately for him, once a baby comes to full-term it has to come out.

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

My Yoga instructor was so hot, I didn't want to leave the studio...

She kept telling me it was done but I said "namaste"

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How come The Flash leaves his partners temporarily blinded after sex?

Cause they get Flashbanged.

In Captain America: Civil War, why wasn't Wanda allowed to leave her apartment?

Because she was under super-Vision.

My friend says that if I leave my sauces to simmer for longer they'll be a better consistency.

Then, he has always been one for reductionist arguments.

Why did the man leave the south of France?

He had too much Toulouse

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me for being lazy.

I think she's being unfair, it's not like I did anything.

Trump has pledged to fulfill one last campaign promise before he leaves

to finally follow through on campaign pledge to stand in middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody.

What kind of car runs on leaves?

An autumn-mobile!

How do you make 1 leave?

You put a "g" in front of 1.

*Thanks to my 9 year old, it gave me a good chukle. *

Why did Freya leave Odin?

because she ain't no Valhalla-back gurrl!

Why did the blonde leave the ice pick in the freezer?

Because she thought if she left it out for too long it would melt

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

What do you say to people who threaten to leave the country, if Trump loses?

Good Biden.

Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her

But then I saw her face

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

My wife threatened to leave me over my obsession with 70s american comedies.

Happy days!

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I don't stop singing I'm A Believer

I thought everything was fine. And then I saw her face...

Where do you leave your dog?

In the barking garage.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I quoted Arnold Schwarzenegger one more time.

She can leave me all she likes but I'll be back

My girlfriend threatens to leave me if I don't stop refrencing Transformers..

I guess I'll just roll out

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory?

No, Not every one, only the males

I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.

Now there are cameras everywhere.

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

What do you get when you steep only the finest eucalyptus leaves?

Quality koala tea

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

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A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who is buried in a pile of leaves?

Russel

Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

The husband fiddles with the door but isn’t having any luck.

The wife says “I know! I’ll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!”

The husband replies “Great idea! But hurry, because it’s about to rain and the top is down!”

Why did Oscar Pistorius leave the courtroom?

He had to bounce.

70% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their house...

100% of men, kiss their house goodbye, when they leave their wife.

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

How do you know when it’s time to leave in the middle of your prostate exam?

When you feel both the doctors hands rest on your back.

I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave.

They reduced meowers.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

I used to have a job collecting leaves

I was raking it in

How did the blonde break her legs raking leaves?

She fell out of a tree.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction.

I think she's bluffing.

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

John leaves the tent where he is with his girlfriend in the campsite late in the evening.

- John, where you go?

- I’m going to pee outside. Be right back!

Two minutes later when he sits next to his girlfriend:

- John! It’s raining?

- Nah! Just a lil bit windy!

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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A couple goes to a sex therapist..

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks i...

A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him

He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came c...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

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A man walks into a bar

orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”

The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”

The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! W...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

A caveman is sculpting leaves from stone

"Why are you doing that?"

"Ugh!"

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

I enter through one ear, leave through the other one, but still stay inside. What am I?

A pickaxe.

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sit down on a chair in front of barista and orders a drink.

While barista was preparing drink, he pulls out a 8-inch man from his pocket who has a small piano, and that small guy starts to play a great tune.

Surprised, the barista asks the man, "Where did you...

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

What do people say when they leave the arcade?

See you later, Simulator!

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, ‟Do you sell condoms here?”

‟Sure. What size are you?”

‟I do not know,” he replies.

‟Well, just let me check,” the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and th...

A young man is finally about to leave for college

His things are all packed up and he is at the door.

"Father, i'm about to leave." He said.

"Son, im so proud of you. I wanted to give you a little gift before you go." His father said emotionally.

He reached out and hands him car keys.

"I want you to take the family car a...

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