I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?

"Smell ya later!"

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

You’re American before you enter a bathroom, you’re American after you leave the bathroom. But what are you when you are inside the bathroom?

European

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Wife refusing to leave.

So this was told by my hubs. He doesn't use reddit, so he asked me to post it.




Police: Sir, we can't make your wife just leave the house when she has no where to go.



Husband: That's not true. I bought her a place years ago, just for her and she refuses to go there....

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight?

Frost bite

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother said, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I said. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

What did the yoga teacher say when they were asked to leave the premises?

Nah imma stay....

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

What do they give Tickle Me Elmo before he leaves the factory?

Test-tickles

I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Job seeker: Because the company moved.

Interviewer: Where did it move to?

Job seeker: They didn't tell me.

If you're Asian when you go into the toilet, and you're Asian when you leave the toilet, what are you when you were in the toilet?

European

What do you call the type of guy who *always* leaves the party with his ex-girlfriend?

The groom

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...

Are they out for delivery?

When do Canibals leave the dinner table?

Once everyones' eaten

Did you hear about the monk who got so rich he had to leave the monastery?

he couldn't live with all the Trappists of wealth

What does the sperm donations receptionist say when customers leave?

Thanks for coming!

How did the blonde die while raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

What did the Hindi man say to his mother when she was about to leave?

Namaste.

Wife: I'm so tired of you talking about dinosaurs all the time. If you bring them up one more time I'm going to leave you

Wife: I'm so tired of you talking about dinosaurs all the time. If you bring them up one more time I'm going to leave you.

Husband: That's not true! Tell me one time I talked about dinosaurs

Wife: .......

Husband: (whispering) *She was silent, like the 'P' in Pterodactyls*

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.

I told her, "Wait! This isn't what you think it is!"

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

The Park Ranger told me not to leave any wrappers inside my car otherwise bears might try and break into it....

I didn't know bears were so into Hip Hop

Which insect is always the first to leave?

The flea

What does a depressed person do when they leave the toilet?

I don’t know, they just feel empty inside

(Courtesy of my ten-year-old cousin. He told me he made it up, what a legend)

What do staff say to sperm donors as they leave the clinic?

Thank you, come again.

The guy at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

When my Spanish friends leave town, I always tell them "mucho."

It's just a small thing, but it means a lot to them.

I understand parents who accidentally leave children in cars.

I mean who really checks their trunk everyday?

What’s the easiest way to leave a casino with 1 million dollars?

Enter with 10 million dollars

Why did the fish’s wife leave him?

He got caught in Annett.

What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta?

It turns into a Ford Focus.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

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My wife leaves out her dildo

My wife leaves dildo out and my son sees it so i kick it under the bed.

Son: What was that?

Me: A mouse

Son: its sure had a big dick

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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I want to leave this world the same way I entered it...

An unfinished blowjob

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Why did the shit stain leave the toilet bowl?

It got pissed off.

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Wife leaves a note on the fridge:

"I have made all attempts. It's not working.I can't take it anymore. I am going to stay at my Mom's place !!"

Husband opens the fridge, checks the beer bottle. Feels it is cold. He takes a few big gulps from the bottle. Feels it is chilled. Then says to himself, "What the hell is she talkin...

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Got written up for being moody at work today. They told me to leave my problems at the door...

That door is gonna need a shitload of therapy.

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."...

...A tachyon walks into a bar.

My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop talking in binary

I wish I could have responded with grace but I was more like, "I... Oh..."

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss wouldn’t allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I wa...

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

Did you know if you leave a group you’re singing with and then come back, they have to give you an Altoid?

It’s a re-choir mint

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

Will my girlfriend leave me because of my love of TV dramas?

Find out next week

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

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I always masturbate before I leave the house.

That way I last longer when I masturbate on the bus.

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I don't stop singing "I'm a believer" from the Shrek Movie

Then I saw her face...

Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?

He wanted to beat the crowd..

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

When the UK leaves the EU they will have more storage space

Exactly 1 GB

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Why do you have to leave cannabutter alone to let it steep overnight?

Because a watched pot never boils.

What did captain Kirk leave in the toilet?

A captain's log.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

A cop lies in wait as a group leaves a bar

Finally closing time, he dims his lights and waits for the group to get in their vehicles.

As the people get to their cars, the first car to leave the parking lot swerves a bit, pops the curb slightly, continues on and gets back on the road and makes a slow start to head home. Seeing this, th...

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

Would a lion leave its wife?

No, but a tiger wood.

What does every tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s of...

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