Leave Jokes - 59 Hilarious Leave Jokes

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Why did my girlfriend leave?

My girlfriend said we had to have a serious talk. She had enough of me constantly singing “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. She said if I didn’t stop singing that song, she was done with the relationship and would leave.

I said, “Tell me why?”

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.

"About $20 a pint." she says.

"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .

As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....

The right to abortion would be the first amendment.

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

A bank teller decides to leave his job to go back to college for an education in chemistry.

Turns out he had a compound interest.

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

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A King was about to leave the kingdom for a long journey

However, he was jealous that every servant and Knight in the castle would want to approach his queen.

He therefore created a chopping mechanism that would cut anything that would penetrate his wife. He put that belt around his woman and left.

After three months he returned to the castl...

What happens when you leave your citizens to freeze in the cold?

They turn blue.

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

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A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to...

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

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An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening:

"Dear Wife,

You have been a wonderful companion to me all these years. I can't believe that both of us are already 60! Time sure has flown by!

However, I am writing this letter to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I have a few needs that you have been unable to sa...

What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta?

It turns into a Ford Focus.

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?

Because he got cold feet.

A husband decided to pull a joke on his wife and texted her saying 'it's not cheating if I leave my socks on is it ?'

She texted back saying 'no hon it's not, I do it all the time'

My wife says she’s going to leave me because of my Alzheimer’s.

But I just can’t remember why!

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

My wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop making jokes using peoples names.

I decided to stop temptation by deleting Reddit
Justin Case.

I've just found out that my wife has been lying to me. Every morning, she says she's going to leave me.

And when I come home, she's still there.

Why did the Escape key want to leave?

Because it kept being repressed.

I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry...

She replied, "YES, I'll definitely marry you."

If you go into the bathroom American, and you leave the bathroom American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European.

Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory?

No, Not every one, only the males

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it

Naked and screaming in the back of a Trans Am

I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..

With me crying and the people around me celebrating.

My parents told me to leave the house because I didn’t know my directions

So I packed my things and right

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wan...

Did my wife leave me because I was bad in bed?

A tiny part of me says yes.

Trump doesn’t want to leave the White House.

Unfortunately for him, once a baby comes to full-term it has to come out.

Why did the man leave the south of France?

He had too much Toulouse

In Captain America: Civil War, why wasn't Wanda allowed to leave her apartment?

Because she was under super-Vision.

My girlfriend told me that if I kept saying Oasis lyrics, she would leave.

I said maybe

A Redditor leaves the hotel..

(Username) checks out

The teacher arrived in class and told me to leave

She said I was outstanding

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