Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man pulls up to a petrol station and goes go buy a chocolate bar...

He goes up to the cashier and says "can I have a kit-kat chunky?"

The cashier returns with the chocolate bar he asked for and says "there you go, that will 80p please"

He turns back to her and says
"No, I wanted a regular kit-kat you fat bitch".

A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office worker reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a dildo. Sighing, he says:

"Some cunt's got my pen"

Why did Martha pull her kids out of band class?

Too much Sax and Violins.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to pull a joke out of my ass on loan.

I didn't have the colonlateral

What do you call couples that use the pull out method?

Parents

Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.

He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading.

"Why are you reading? How old are you?"

"I'm 19 officer."

"And her?"

"Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black kid pulls the flour over his head.

A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.

He says "what can I get for $50?"

"A penguin."

He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?!...

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...

My dog kept growling at my girlfriend's toddler when he would punch him or pull his fur. It broke my heart to get rid of him

But now the problem is keeping the dog from digging him up.

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"A nurse pulls out a rectal thermometer from her front pocket

Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"


-jimmi carr

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls a guy over..

Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.”

Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.”

The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system”

“Nick”

“Nick... wha...

*cop pulls over a driver*

Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?


Miner: Mine.

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I...

A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license. The guy says sorry I never got my drinking license.

Have you been drinking? No, but when I do, they ask for my drivers license.

I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…

Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!

Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

Jesus! My wife acts really freaking strange sometimes!

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde

The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says...

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over...

The policeman says: "Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?"

The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost."

Why did the motorcyclist have to pull over to take a nap?

He was 2 tired.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A state trooper pulls over a speeding car.

The trooper approaches the car and says “90 miles an hour in a 65, what’s the rush?”

The man in the car replies “I’m a magician and juggler at the circus and I’ll be late!”

The state trooper thinks for a minute and puts the man up to a challenge. The state trooper says “Alright, here’...

A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to tell her parents a joke. I said, pull my finger and then shit all over myself. They didn't laugh.

Guess they don't get my self-defecating sense of humor.

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

The cop tells the driver "License please."

"What is a license?" the driver answers.

The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."

As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says ...

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.

"130 km/h" the man answers

"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.

"I was keeping up with traffic!"

The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other car...

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got into a fight with a French man for calling me "Pussy! Pussy!" when I couldnt pull open the door to a bar.

That's the joke. French speakers would get it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.
The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :
"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', an...

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”

The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explain...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies doing 20 in a 65mph zone. The cop walks up to the window.

"How can I help you officer?"

"Did you realize you were doing 20 in a 65mph zone?"

"I thought we were doing the speed limit. It says so right there." The old woman pointed to a sign....

Two packets of crisps are strolling down the street when a car pulls alongside them...

The driver asks if they would like a lift.

The crisps say, "No thanks, we're Walkers."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

I heard that Louis CK is trying to make a comeback.

You think he'll pull it off?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump Pulls Out of Iran Deal.

Man, these porn stars come up with weird names.

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

A young girl is walking home from school one day when a car pulls up along side her.

The window goes down and the driver says to her
"Hey sweetie, I'll gove you a dollar if you get in the car with me..."
The girl doesn't say anything, she just walks a little faster.
The driver says
"Alright, I'll give you ten dollars if you get in the car with me..."
Again, the girl...

I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and pulls a minuscule person out of his pocket

They sit at one of the tables, waiting for a friend of theirs. Meanwhile, they order drinks: a whisky for the man, and a thimble of whisky for Peter, his minuscule friend.
The person they were waiting for arrives, and they start talking about the pair's last travel:
-The landscapes in Keny...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me yo...

A penguin pulls up to a dealership

He barely made it there before his car gave out. The technician tells him that it's going to be a few hours before the repairs are finished.
The penguin sees an icecream shop across the street and goes inside. He asks the manager if it would be okay to hang out in the freezer because it's just t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
“There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentar...

Man pulls over to the side of the road next to two guys

Man: Awwww, look at this ! How cute are you !

Guy: Sir...

Man: You are so cute ! Are you twins??

Guy: Sir, I...

Man:Your mom even got the same clothes for both of you, you must be twins !

Guy: Sir, turn off the engine, and give me your licence and registration.

[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?

After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recently married deaf couple were discussing how they were going to communicate in the bedroom with the lights off.

The husband said "if you want to have sex pull my dick once if you don't want to have sex pull it 358 times".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sco...

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit ...

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I ...

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

One day a cop pulls a van over...

One day a cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man ag...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....

....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."

"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"

"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have t...

Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, and Supreme Leader Snoke pull up to a drive-thru.

"We'll be paying separately."

"Go ahead with The First Order."

An English couple is driving through central Canada and realize that they're lost, so they pull over and ask a local which city they're in,

The local kindly replies "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The couple says thank you, and leave. "Did you understand that?" The woman asks the man.

"No, he didn't even speak English!"

Trump announced plans to pull out of Iran deal.

And if that doesn't work he'll just pay them a bunch of taxpayer money to get the abortion and keep quiet about it.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

[NSFW] I know that it is your first time, so try to relax. Be open. Let me know if it hurts. It might bleed and that's totally fine. Let me know if you want me to pull it out. And above all...

...trust your dentist.

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper

Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ice Cream Truck pulls away from Acacia Drive, having served the happiest bunch of kids all day...

...the driver whistles a gay tune, the sun is shining, the traffic is good, there’s but a solitary car at the red light ahead.

Suddenly, there’s a banging on the side of the truck. Startled, he pulls away, thinking its a jacking. His heart racing he makes it to the next set of lights. He tur...

A cop pulls over a speeding driver...

"Do you know why I pulled the over?" The cop asks the driver. The driver responds: "yeah I was going a little fast there." The cop nods and says "well I'm in a good mood today so if you give me a good reason for why you're speeding, I'll let you go ." The man thinks for a second and then says: "my w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did Buddha pull coins out of his asshole?

Cause change comes from within.

When it comes to women, I'm like an ant:

I pull three times my own weight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.

Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"

The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault...

So a Cop pulls over a Priest...

Cop: Have you had anything to drink today?
Priest: Just water.
Cop: Then why does it smell like wine in here?
Priest: Dear Lord, he's done it again!