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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Smallpox blankets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

My sister asked me to bring something hard to write on...

I don’t know why she got mad. I mean, sand’s pretty hard to write on.

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

​

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

​

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the cl...

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

​

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater...

But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!

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A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

Never bring Mark Ruffalo into the dairy Aisle

He'll spoil everything

What do you bring to a lawyer BBQ?

Just ice

Why should you always bring two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

If you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

Why did the folk singer bring a notebook to battle of the bands?

He heard that paper beats rock.

What brings out your inner kid?

A coat hanger.

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Why did the woman bring toilet paper tot he gala?

She was a party pooper!

Told by my 7 year-old

If a stork brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby; what brings no baby?

a swallow

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet, the vet takes one look at it and says "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do."

The man is furious, "You didn't even try!"

Vet shrugs, walks out of the room and walks back in with a black labrador. The dog sniffs the parrot, pauses and then shakes its h...

What did the vulture bring on his flight?

Carrion luggage.

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

Why did the homebuilder bring 6 bimbos to his job site?

None of his men could find a stud.

They told me I couldn’t bring my favourite Disney movie to class yesterday

But I showed them Up.

A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says "wow...your baby is beautiful". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her "oh no I don't"..........

......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says "I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you."

My financial adviser asked me what I bring home at the end of every month.

"Crippling depression," I told him.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

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How do you bring a penis back to life?

You ressErect it

I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

What does an abortion doctor bring to a barbecue?

Baby backs.

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

With all the havoc that Christmas deliveries bring, FedEx and UPS decided to come together.

Now they're FedUp.

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

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"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in: “My hair and make up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?!”

The husband says: “Because he’s thinking of get...

What did Santa bring to the potluck?

Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

A husband brings home a dozen roses for his wife one day.

She sees them and says, "What did you do wrong?"

The husband says, "Nothing, I just wanted to get you a gift."

The wife responds, "Now you expect me to lie in bed all week with my legs apart!"

The husband replies, "What, you don't have a vase?"

Why do people bring up pesticide free food so much during conversations?

I don’t know, I guess it comes up organically.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy brings his sober friend to his apartment.

They hang out for a while, then the sober guy says, “I should really get home, do you know the time?”

“Yeah! I have a talking clock.” The drunk guy responds.

“A talking clock?” His friend replied.

“Yeah! I pick it up, and slam it against this wall, and it tells me the time!” He ...

A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I’ve heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where’s the girl?
She responds with: “you’ll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive “

A college girl brings her new beau home to meet the family

Her father takes him aside for a chat,

"You seem like a nice enough fellow young man, what do you study?'

"I'm a theology major sir." Answers the young man.

"I see,If you dont mind my asking, where will you live with my little girl after you get married?"

"God will provi...

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

Bring me my red shirt!

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two ...

It was bring your pet to school day

I brought my desert eagle

Why did the boy bring a joint to school?

To get to high school

A tree lives next to a lake. One day, the tree loses a branch and asks the lake, "Would you bring that back to me?"

The lake says he shorewood.

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A man brings his gorilla to a bar

And the bartender says to him, "Hey man, you need to get that gorilla out of here. We don't serve animals."

The man replies, saying "No, this isn't your average gorilla. Watch."

The bartender goes "Ehh.. well.. okay. But make it quick."

So the man orders two beers, and gives one...

Why did the Blonde bring a ladder to the store?

Because it said "High Discounts".

What does a priest bring to a sporting event?

Penance

Why did Susan bring two pairs of pants to her golf game?

In case she got a hole-in-one

Why does the golfer bring two pair of pants?

In case he gets hole in one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an Arab that brings down loots of pussy?

Lawrence of the Labia.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Anecdote] Sometimes friends bring light to even the darkest situations

This happened back when I was in university back in 2012. During those days in my hometown there was an insurgent outfit that was on the verge of extinction but would occasionally surface to issue (empty) threats of violence through the media, particularly before National Holidays since they were a ...

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face,

For instance when you push them down the stairs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

Officers bring Bad News

Officer knocks on door
A Man opens the door.

Officer: "Sorry sir, it's your wife. Looks like she's been hit by a truck"
Man: "She has a great personality though"

Why did the sailor bring diapers on shore leave?

He was worried about being in continent

ALWAYS BRING THE FINGERS

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

The injured man repies, "But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.

The injur...

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He...

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

Who brings Purell and wet wipes to all the good little OCD girls and boys?

Sani Claus.

Some bring joy wherever they go...

Others whenever they go.