Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

Why do nurses bring a red crayon to work?

In case they have to draw blood

If a black bird brings black babies and a white bird brings white babies. What kind of bird brings no babies?

Swallows

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

Wife: It’s hard to live with him. He’s so literal.

Me: My truck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

I brought my MP3 player to school yesterday, but bullies broke it. Luckily, today is my birthday and my parents got me an MP4 player, but the bullies broke it again

Tomorrow, i'll bring an MP5

Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register?

Toupee.

Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

Why’d the golfer bring an extra shirt?

Incase he got a hole in one!!

Today is the day "Bring your pet at school "

Can I bring my desert eagle?

You know what really brings the child out of someone?

An abortion.

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

April showers bring May flowers. But what do Mayflowers bring?

Murder.

If I bring potatoes in my luggage to Ireland

Is that smuggling or reparations?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Upon preparing for our vacation to Iran, I asked my friend, "Should I bring weed?"

He replied: "Only gay people get stoned where we're going."

Told by my 12 yr old sister - April Showers Bring May Flowers, but May Flowers...

Bring Pilgrims.

My friend is crazy, he told me he is going to bring a bulletproof vest to school

For real though, noone is going to shoot back anyways.

Don't listen to people who bring you down.

Everybody told Beethoven that he couldn't continue producing music because he wasn't able to hear anymore..

But did he listen?

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

What food did the priest bring to the potluck?

Peas and hominy

My sister asked me to bring something hard to write on...

I don’t know why she got mad. I mean, sand’s pretty hard to write on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

A guy brings his girlfriend home

Mother: I think you can find someone better

Guy: Mom, but I love her and she's the one

Mother: I am not talking to you, I am talking to the girl.

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

What do you bring to a lawyer BBQ?

Just ice

Bring on the limericks

Belinda, a charming young lass Had a most magnificent ass. Twasn't rounded and pink, As you probably think, It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

​

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

​

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

​

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the cl...

Why should you always bring two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

If you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

Never bring Mark Ruffalo into the dairy Aisle

He'll spoil everything

They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater...

But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

What brings out your inner kid?

A coat hanger.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

If a stork brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby; what brings no baby?

a swallow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the woman bring toilet paper tot he gala?

She was a party pooper!

Told by my 7 year-old

What did the vulture bring on his flight?

Carrion luggage.

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet, the vet takes one look at it and says "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do."

The man is furious, "You didn't even try!"

Vet shrugs, walks out of the room and walks back in with a black labrador. The dog sniffs the parrot, pauses and then shakes its h...

They told me I couldn’t bring my favourite Disney movie to class yesterday

But I showed them Up.

Why did the homebuilder bring 6 bimbos to his job site?

None of his men could find a stud.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

My financial adviser asked me what I bring home at the end of every month.

"Crippling depression," I told him.

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says "wow...your baby is beautiful". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her "oh no I don't"..........

......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says "I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you."

I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

With all the havoc that Christmas deliveries bring, FedEx and UPS decided to come together.

Now they're FedUp.

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

What does an abortion doctor bring to a barbecue?

Baby backs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tyrion Lannister once brings a jackass and a honeycomb to a brothel (no spoilers)

Madame: What can we do for you?

Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.

Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?

Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in: “My hair and make up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?!”

The husband says: “Because he’s thinking of get...

What did Santa bring to the potluck?

Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.

My parents love to bring up the time that I peed on the doctor

Which really sucks for me because it happened the same day that Karen took the kids.

A husband brings home a dozen roses for his wife one day.

She sees them and says, "What did you do wrong?"

The husband says, "Nothing, I just wanted to get you a gift."

The wife responds, "Now you expect me to lie in bed all week with my legs apart!"

The husband replies, "What, you don't have a vase?"

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

Why did Susan bring two pairs of pants to her golf game?

In case she got a hole-in-one

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I’ve heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where’s the girl?
She responds with: “you’ll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive “

Bring me my red shirt!

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two ...

A college girl brings her new beau home to meet the family

Her father takes him aside for a chat,

"You seem like a nice enough fellow young man, what do you study?'

"I'm a theology major sir." Answers the young man.

"I see,If you dont mind my asking, where will you live with my little girl after you get married?"

"God will provi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy brings his sober friend to his apartment.

They hang out for a while, then the sober guy says, “I should really get home, do you know the time?”

“Yeah! I have a talking clock.” The drunk guy responds.

“A talking clock?” His friend replied.

“Yeah! I pick it up, and slam it against this wall, and it tells me the time!” He ...

A tree lives next to a lake. One day, the tree loses a branch and asks the lake, "Would you bring that back to me?"

The lake says he shorewood.

I honestly think that words can bring people to their knees, even in very tense situations where a fight can break out any second

Just say "I have a gun" and it works like a charm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man brings his gorilla to a bar

And the bartender says to him, "Hey man, you need to get that gorilla out of here. We don't serve animals."

The man replies, saying "No, this isn't your average gorilla. Watch."

The bartender goes "Ehh.. well.. okay. But make it quick."

So the man orders two beers, and gives one...

Why did the Blonde bring a ladder to the store?

Because it said "High Discounts".

Why does the golfer bring two pair of pants?

In case he gets hole in one.

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