UPJOKE
conveymaketakegetcomefetchchangeimpartcreatecarryaltermodifycome upworkland

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

*“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”*

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"



A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

When life brings you lemon

You must be Jamaican

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Smallpox

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

-Johnny you can't bring your cat to the school you're gonna be in trouble for it

\-I know but I can't leave it at home

\-why ?

\-I heard my dad talking to my mum and said : "once the kid goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy"

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at h...

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.

The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."

Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night clothes, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting ...

A snail brings his car into a garage

He requests a new paint job. The body guy asks what he wants, and the snail says, "Give me a handsome burgundy paint job with a special detail on it. Paint the letter S all over it in yellow gold."

The body tech thinks this is an unusual request, but hey, it's money. The snail returns later t...

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“Yeah, I play a little guitar!"

"The strengths I bring to this job? Excellent numeracy, a perfect memory,

and a fourth one... ugh, what was it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wondered why my wife brings me cake when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Alice brings her friend Kelly over to her house for the first time

They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge.

Kelly sees a pretty-looking cookie jar on the windowsill and goes to pick it up and admire it. "Wow, this is really beautiful." she muses as she opens the lid. "..but, uh.. what's this stuff inside it?"

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A Hunter

A man goes hunting and runs into a bear. He takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, he sees no bear. The bear taps him on the shoulder and says: bend over or I eat you. The next year, the hunter brings a bear gun, sees the very same bear, takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, the...

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

SON: Dad, I'm not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

Why did Harry Potter bring his pig to the vet?

Because it had hog warts

why do minimalists, and aspiring minimalists, bring lanterns on their travels?

Because they need to you to know that they're packing light :P

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

I’ll be here all week folks, try the veal.

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

I took my daughter to "Bring your child to workday."

As we were walking around, she started getting cranky and began crying. A group of my co-workers gathered around to see what the commotion was. I asked her what why she was crying.



She said: "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with."

Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

My great-grandad was personally responsible for bringing down over 30 German aircraft in WW2.

All the other mechanics in the Luftwaffe never really liked him though.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Wel...

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather told me how, during WW2 when my nation was under Nazi occupation, he was part of the underground resistance, managing to bring down several German aircraft, and killing many of the pilots.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my ri...

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

Tried to play “Don’t Let it Bring You Down” on Spotify

And was let down.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents…

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in ...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

A man went to the doctor..

The doctor said, "As a part of your physical exam we're gonna need a sperm sample, take this jar and bring it back to me tomorrow." The next day comes back and says "Sorry, doctor." He hands her the jar and it's empty." "Well doc, it was like this. I started with my left hand, nothing, then my right...

3 men are captured by a group of Indians

The Indians tell the men “were going to kill you, skin you, and turn your skin into canoes. You have 3 options, we can burn you, drown you, or hang you.”

First guy says, “hang me.” So they hang him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.

Second guy says, “down me.” So they drown him, skin h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

My buddy asked how to bring up having a 3way to his wife.

I told him “ I’ve talked to your wife before. Do you really have it in you to disappoint two people at once?”

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

Weird names can bring problems

In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, som...

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes back home from work.

Sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little confused, but brings him his beer.

As soon as he's done, he yells at his wife again:,,Hurry, bring me another beer. It's gonna start any second now!"...

So my friend forgot to bring the mayonnaise for the party tonight…

I was like, “What the Hellmann”

R Kelly is bringing out a new range of ovens

The only setting it has is fan forced

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7, but that brings up the question, “why did 7 eat 9?”

Because you need 3 square meals a day

Will Santa bring me a PS5 for Christmas?

I really could use another to scalp online for profit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

As an eastern European living in a western country, dealing with bureaucrats always brings me to tears

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and the Sheriffs

A cowboy named Jack rides into town. He brings his horse up to the outside of the saloon but as he goes to get down, his foot gets stuck in the stirrup. The sheriff happens to be walking by. Jack calls him over and asks for help getting his foot unstuck. The sheriff gives him a hand. The cowboy than...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

In an upcoming movie, Peter Parker brings the founder of Theranos to justice

They are calling it: "Spiderman: No way, Holmes"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

A man is about to jump off from a bridge

Just as he's about to take the final leap, a woman yells out at him in the distance.

"Wait! Hold on!"

He's startled, looks over. He sees a cute young woman running towards him, her face conveying deep emotion. She yells out "Wait, just hear me out!"

He's touched. No one has ever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When your son told you he was gay, did he bring shame to your family?

No, he brought Shane.

Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around befor...

Why do golfers always bring a spare pare of socks

Incase they get a hole in one

Why did the golfer bring 2 pairs of trousers?

Incase he made a hole in one

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

What gun would Jesus bring to war?

A nail gun.

A man calls the RV place where he bought his travel trailer to ask what he needs to do to winterize it. The guy says, “bring it on over and I’ll summarize it for you.”

“No, I need it winter-ize…never mind! I’ll figure it out myself!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me fo...

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

Satan: So, what brings you to hell?

Me: I'm innocent!

Satan: Just tell me, what did you do?

Me: I saw my friend fighting a pregnant woman, so I jumped in to make it 2v2.

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

Sending a message to mom

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,

\- "I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

A guy brings his new blonde girlfriend to a family dinner

His parents are devoutly religious and he was born and raised in the south, so he's nervous - he gave her some pointers beforehand so everything would go smoothly.

After having a lovely conversation where his parents have warmed up to his girlfriend, they sit at the table and dig in. The guy ...

Prince Charles was organising the buffet for the Jubilee

He and Camilla would bring the pheasant

William and Kate arranged the quails

Harry and Meghan were providing the caviar

Andrew said he would bring cupcakes, but Charles said 'no', because at the last gathering she downed a bottle of the queen's sherry and threw up

What fruit can’t you bring to a wedding?

A cantaloupe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher brings some venison to school..

She says “this is a different meat, it’s something your mom calls your dad…”

A voice from the back screams “don’t eat it it’s asshole!!”

How do engineers pick a location for a hydropower dam?

They analyze the hydrology of several locations along the river, examine the geology of the underlying rock, determine the feasibility of bringing in materials and equipment, then they pick a spot that's a damsite better than the others.

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Timmy...

The teacher asks Timmy "why did you bring your cat to school today?"

To which Timmy replied quite sad, I heard daddy telling mommy this morning, "Baby, I'm gonna eat that pussy when the kids go to school"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a man walked up and asked if he minded if he fished in the farmers pond. The old farmer said “go right ahead.”

A couple of hours later, the man came back and asked the farmer if he had a bucket he can use. “I found some milkweed in your field and want to go back and get some milk.” They farmer said “you can’t get milk from them, that’s just what they’re called, but sure, go right ahead.” A little bit later, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two attorneys walk into a cafe

However, they do not order anything. Instead, they both reach into their respective briefcases and pull out a sandwich each. Seeing this, a grumpy old waiter walks over to them.

"Look, I don't know who you hotshot fellas are, but I hope you can read that sign over there. It says 'You cannot b...

Guy buys a BMW

This guy had just bought a BMW M5 and decided to take it out and open it up. He was cruising along Dutch roads just admiring the beautiful scenery.


He decided to see how it ran at speed, so he took it up to 110kph. It felt great. Then up to 145kph. Then he saw the flashing lights in his...

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a potion-maker bring his wife to orgasm?

Elixir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

Wife brings home a street cat

The husband hated the cat however and one day carried him a short walk down the road and left it there.

When he arrived home he was shocked to find the cat was already there eating some food the wife had given him. Before it could finish however the man again took the cat and this time rode ...

In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…

As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John and Jack go hiking in the woods

Two best friends, John and Jack, decide to go for a hike in the woods. Halfway into their hike, Jack has to pee and goes behind a tree. After a few moments John hears Jack screaming his head off and rushes to go help him.

John finds Jack laying on the ground grabbing his crotch screaming, wit...

New Bull

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't k...

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decid...

I went to video shop the other day and said can I borrow batman forever?

He said no. You’ll have to bring it back on Tuesday.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

My thoughts on zodiac signs

Like I don’t mind them in general, but I hate it when people bring them up all the time.


So this one time I called my friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.


He said, “No dude, I can’t, I have cancer.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.