My doctor told me to take up an activity that takes me out of the pub.

So, I've started smoking.

I decided to take up a new art form called long exposures

the best part is, you don't even need a camera.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

I’ve been bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they’ll call the police unless I put it back.

My dad asked me why I chose to take up window cleaning as a profession.

I told him it was the only job I could really see myself doing.

A limbless man takes up swimming

A man with no arms or legs decided to take up swimming in an attempt to make the Paralympics. He was called Bob

Mario decided to take up an extra job at the bank.

He had only been working a few weeks and was having a rough day when suddenly a masked man bursts through the door and yells: "This is a robbery!"

This was the last straw for Mario and pulls a shotgun out of his desk, aims it at the man and gives him til the count of 3 to get out or hell blas...

Why did the math student take up baking?

She heard it's as easy as pi.

I decided to take up plumbing

I didnt know it could be so faucinating

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...

You might have an exit-stencil crisis.

My Wife decided to take up running to lose weight:

She said to me I am going to run 7 miles every day to lose weight.

I thought, great, in two weeks she will be 98 miles away:

Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.

Now he's an exterminator

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I suggested to a friend that we take up bird watching

He remained unconvinced until I showed him a photo of a nice pair of tits.

I think I want to take up acting...

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist pleaded with me, “You need to go out more! Take up a hobby! Stop doing weird things!” I replied quietly, “Well, I went to the zoo." The therapist exclaimed proudly, “That’s what I mean! Did you get anything from that?!”

I slowly opened my coat and whispered, “I got this penguin..."

Donald Trump should take up skateboarding.

He flips some sick 180s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do female pornstars never take up a second careers flying helicopters in the airforce?

They get them up fine, but they have no experience getting a black hawk down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man decided that he was going to take up shooting...

So he signed up for a concealed carry license class and got his own weapon. When he was done with the classroom portion, they took the class out to the shooting range to shoot some targets. The instructor told them only to shoot the 3 targets across the range. The man hit all 3 directly in the middl...

I've decided to take up meditation..

..at least it's better than sitting and doing nothing.

What type of pies take up the most time?

Occupies.

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk...

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

Taking up Three Seats

An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre.

He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.

The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.

The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must ...

I should probably take up growing fruit trees

Because people keep telling me I should grow a pear.

I prefer to buy rental properties that take up an entire city block or more.

I'm in it for the long hall.

What did the Terminator say when he decided to take up piano?

I'll be bach.

I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”

The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundre...

A nun was losing sleep over whether or not to take up sewing

She heard it could be habit-forming

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

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