Take Up Jokes

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

The man asked his wife why she was doing meditation. And she answered that she was feeling lost and trying to find herself.

So the man went and printed out a map of their local area, then made a pen mark where their house was on the map with a caption that said "You are here". Then presented ... read more

so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, “Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. “Now w... read more

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk.... read more

It was for a Stock Car race.

Now he's an exterminator

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

So I've started smoking

I didnt know it could be so faucinating

the best part is, you don't even need a camera.

A man with no arms or legs decided to take up swimming in an attempt to make the Paralympics. He was called Bob

An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre.

He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.

The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.

The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must ... read more

He flips some sick 180s.

She said to me I am going to run 7 miles every day to lose weight.

I thought, great, in two weeks she will be 98 miles away:

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month... read more

I told him it was the only job I could really see myself doing.

Occupies.

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

I think he’s just going through a stage.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

Because people keep telling me I should grow a pear.

You might have an exit-stencil crisis.

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ... read more

I'll be bach.

I'm in it for the long hall.

"You're two shellfish."

She heard it could be habit-forming