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Masturbating too much leads to two things

Loss of memory and something else…

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A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

You can lead a horse to water

But a pencil must be lead.

What state has the lead in the United States?

Pencilvania.

How do you know a lead guitarist has entered the building?

Got the wrong key and doesn't know when to come in.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.

Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

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Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.



At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.



Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Lead + Alchemy.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

You can lead a horse to water

...and you can now make him drink thanks to modern science!


Hi Billy Mays here to tell you about a joke that's front page material!
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My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

A battery and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar.

Battery: three drinks now!

Bartender: I'm not severing you.

Battery: why not!

Bartender: because you and your mates look like you're about to start something.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so th...

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I’m easily lead

"Read" rhymes with "lead"

... and "read" rhymes with "lead", but "read" doesn't rhyme with "lead."

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison?

for fingering a minor

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

Why did the Romans nailing Jesus to a cross lead to Christianity being the world's most believed religeon?

They made him hole-y

I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off

I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

Bacon and Egg lead very interesting lives

Egg went to college but Bacon Strips

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

What military officer leads the nation of corn?

The kernel

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

If the drummer is also the lead singer...

... Whose couch does he sleep on?

What do you call the passage that leads to Indian guys' apartment?

A currydoor!

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

Back in the 70's, when the lead singer of the Who had a mental breakdown, the rest of the band wanted him committed...

...but his psychiatrist refused to do it because it says in the bible, "Thou Shalt Not Commit A Daltrey."

You can lead a horse to water

But you can't drown it and make it look like an accident.

Why does the tin man's wife have so much lead in her?

She solder soul to the devil.

Why did the lead pipe run for president?

Because he was born to lead.

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Two buddies were out for a saturday stroll

One had a doberman and the other had a chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Dober...

What will a cure for Dwarfism lead to? Dwarf shortage

If offended, grow up

At one time a falling Apple lead to the Theory of Gravity

Now it's just a broken iPhone

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A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

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Masturbation always leads to sex....

It's a gateway tug...

A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."


"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.


"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."<...

Why does getting one small dog with a smushed up face lead to getting many more dogs?

It's a gateway Pug

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

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Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. He stands there holding the light bulb while the world revolves around him.

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

I think retirement can lead to senility.

Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner

BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighb...

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A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

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A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar ...

The bra goes to get the drinks but the barman refuses to serve them. The bra asks why. The barman says ".. you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

I like rock bands named after their lead singers

Like Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, and Tool.

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

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So 2 twins are going into first grade, and they lead some new "words" on the playing field

They aren't very good words, and their mother does not like hearing them at home. So one night she tells them before tucking them in "Those aren't very good words, and there will be consequences if I here them in this house again." So they replied "Sure mom!" So the next morning she asks Jimmy "Jimm...

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

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What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity?

"Look at this photograph"

I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead.

I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.

A water inspector got a lethal lead poisoning...

Before dying he said: "It tastes... Irony"

Sting was kidnapped last night

The Police are looking for a lead.

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

What leads people to Rome?

The scents.

They want some aROMAtherapy.

A lead singer gets blown by a big fan backstage at the end of a concert and all the band members find him naked.

Group: Ewww! Get a room!

Singer: I would if you could fit three blades the size of a jet engine into my living room!

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "...

Who lead the Chinese empire into the Wi-Fi age

Emperor Ping

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

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