You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

\[Credit to Milton Berle\]

​

\[Credit and many thanks for the gold to an "anonymous redditor," namely u/Blake88fair\]

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.

​

At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.

​

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audienc...

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

Lead + Alchemy.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so th...

Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison?

for fingering a minor

My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I’m easily lead

"Read" rhymes with "lead"

... and "read" rhymes with "lead", but "read" doesn't rhyme with "lead."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

You can lead a horse to water

But you can't drink a horse

Why is it good to poison yourself with lead when you get stage fright?

It impairs the nervous system

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off

I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again

Why did the Romans nailing Jesus to a cross lead to Christianity being the world's most believed religeon?

They made him hole-y

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

Bacon and Egg lead very interesting lives

Egg went to college but Bacon Strips

Back in the 70's, when the lead singer of the Who had a mental breakdown, the rest of the band wanted him committed...

...but his psychiatrist refused to do it because it says in the bible, "Thou Shalt Not Commit A Daltrey."

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

What do you call the passage that leads to Indian guys' apartment?

A currydoor!

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

If the drummer is also the lead singer...

... Whose couch does he sleep on?

Why does the tin man's wife have so much lead in her?

She solder soul to the devil.

Why did the lead pipe run for president?

Because he was born to lead.

What will a cure for Dwarfism lead to? Dwarf shortage

If offended, grow up

You can lead a horse to water

But you can't drown it and make it look like an accident.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

At one time a falling Apple lead to the Theory of Gravity

Now it's just a broken iPhone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Peacock. In the library. With a lead pipe.

Because anything can be a dildo if you're brave enough.

Don't judge! She had the room all to herself. It had been a while, you know?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two buddies were out for a saturday stroll

One had a doberman and the other had a chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Dober...

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Masturbation always leads to sex....

It's a gateway tug...

I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.

[deleted]

Why does getting one small dog with a smushed up face lead to getting many more dogs?

It's a gateway Pug

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. He stands there holding the light bulb while the world revolves around him.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

I think retirement can lead to senility.

Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.

A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner

BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."


"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.


"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."<...

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar ...

The bra goes to get the drinks but the barman refuses to serve them. The bra asks why. The barman says ".. you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So 2 twins are going into first grade, and they lead some new "words" on the playing field

They aren't very good words, and their mother does not like hearing them at home. So one night she tells them before tucking them in "Those aren't very good words, and there will be consequences if I here them in this house again." So they replied "Sure mom!" So the next morning she asks Jimmy "Jimm...

I like rock bands named after their lead singers

Like Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, and Tool.

A lead singer gets blown by a big fan backstage at the end of a concert and all the band members find him naked.

Group: Ewww! Get a room!

Singer: I would if you could fit three blades the size of a jet engine into my living room!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

A water inspector got a lethal lead poisoning...

Before dying he said: "It tastes... Irony"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead.

I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

What leads people to Rome?

The scents.

They want some aROMAtherapy.

How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity?

"Look at this photograph"

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

Sting was kidnapped last night

The Police are looking for a lead.

Tommy Wiseau was considering casting Dumbo as a lead actor

He changed his mind because nobody would talk about the elephant in the room.

Who lead the Chinese empire into the Wi-Fi age

Emperor Ping

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "...

If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives...

...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

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