The 109+ Best Lead Jokes

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

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A bra, a car battery and a set of jump leads walk in to a pub.

The landlord looks at the bra and says, "I'm not serving any of you. You're off your tits and your friends look like they're about to start something",.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Help??

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him swim.

I am _never_ playing water polo again

How much lead is safe to eat

It depends on the velocity

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

Why do archaeologist lead sad lives?

Because their career lies in ruins.

I love this time of year, the lead up to Christmas

When your partner walks into the room you can slam your laptop shut and you don't get any disgusted looks.

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

Stephen Wilhite, one of the lead inventors of the GIF, passed away last week at the age of 74

Jodspeed, Stephen.

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

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I have to always be the best at something, leading from the front from the very start…

Except with sex. I don’t mind coming from behind

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The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful

That in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts

" Where isth she ? "

"In the attic" shouted half of the audience

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

I can lead a horse to water...

But the police told me if I drown another one they'd arrest me.

I work as the lead singer in a U2 tribute band that provides free performances for charities and at protests

I'm a pro bono pro Bono

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After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

Ignoring indigestion or allergies can lead to sneezures or a fart attack

I’ll show myself out.

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

What do you call a sample of gold that used to be lead?

A transition metal.

what did the new volcanologist researcher say to the other volcanologist after the lead researcher died?

We should probably give him a proper fumarole.

What did the two-year old say when he saw the author of the leading commentary on the English law of contracts and his brother gunned down in succession by two gunshots?

Chitty! Chitty! Bang! Bang!

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

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A farmer is leading his prize bull to market.

Suddenly, the bull collapses in the lane outside the vet’s house.

The farmer runs up to the house, knocks on the door and asks the vet to help.

The vet looks the bull over and says, “I know what you need.” He goes back to the house and returns with two enormous red pills. The vet say...

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

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My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast

Gotcha :)

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

Why does a mathematician with tourrettes lead a private life?

A good logician never reveals his ticks.

What type of fish leads its school?

a sardean

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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

The lead singer of The Eagles has been arrested by Customs.

Apparently he was trying to smuggle exotic animals parts into the country.

It turns out that you can't hide those lion eyes.

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Why did the flight of mi-24s get confused when a bee flew into the lead helicopter?

Because the lead helicopter is now beehind.

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

A general once asked Napoleon Bonaparte if he was capable of leading a country.

"Of Corsican," he replied.

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass

A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."

"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.

"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."<...

Why does Optimus Prime lead orchestras in his free time?

Because he is a semiconductor

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me alone.

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A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

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Pepsico have teamed up with a leading pharmaceutical company to created a viagra infused soft drink.

I cannot wait to pour myself a stiff one

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

So the FBI only interviewed ten people in the Brett Cavanaugh investigation, despite getting thousands of leads.

I guess their tip line was actually a “just the tip” line.

Bacon and Egg lead very interesting lives

Egg went to college but Bacon Strips

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

What state has the lead in the United States?

Pencilvania.

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A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

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Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.

At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.

Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

I just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead

He seems like a fungi

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Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison?

for fingering a minor

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

Why Bill Gates should lead the team to find the Corona Virus cure?

He has been dealing with viruses since Windows 3.0

There's a new epic movie coming out about Harry & Meghan abandoning the royalty and moving to Georgia to lead an agrarian lifestyle.

It's called ***Gone with the Windsors***

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

I can't stop watching movies with strong female leads

I'm a heroine addict

Why can't Plastic Man lead an orchestra?

Because he's a poor conductor

What is Middle-Eastern, vegetarian and turns lead into gold?

The falafel-er's stone

A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner

BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighb...

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

Obama died, and, as usual for any president, he was lead to the hell.

Satan looked at him “ Mmmm, I can see that you have been elected twice as President. Also, you are one of a kind. So, I am giving you a rare opportunity. You can see the other inmates in hell and select your eternal fate. If you chose their fate, they will be sent to heaven”.

With nothing to ...

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

I've been using up the ink in all the pens and all the lead in our pencils.

Makes my daughter's Christmas wish list much shorter.

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

I like bands that are named for their lead singer.

You know, like Alice Cooper and Tool.

Lead + Alchemy.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

The lead actor in a play has become very ill.

This is a case of lead poisoning.

Liam Gallagher, lead singer of Oasis, decides to learn the politics of his home country. So he goes up to Noel and asks-

"What's a Tory, (Morning Glory), weeeelllll??"

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

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