Lead Jokes - 104 Hilarious Lead Jokes

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Help??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, a car battery and a set of jump leads walk in to a pub.

The landlord looks at the bra and says, "I'm not serving any of you. You're off your tits and your friends look like they're about to start something",.

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.

He really dodged a bullet there.

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

How much lead is safe to eat

It depends on the velocity

Why do archaeologist lead sad lives?

Because their career lies in ruins.

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him swim.

I am _never_ playing water polo again

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

I love this time of year, the lead up to Christmas

When your partner walks into the room you can slam your laptop shut and you don't get any disgusted looks.

I can lead a horse to water...

But the police told me if I drown another one they'd arrest me.

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

Ignoring indigestion or allergies can lead to sneezures or a fart attack

I’ll show myself out.

Stephen Wilhite, one of the lead inventors of the GIF, passed away last week at the age of 74

Jodspeed, Stephen.

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is leading his prize bull to market.

Suddenly, the bull collapses in the lane outside the vet’s house.

The farmer runs up to the house, knocks on the door and asks the vet to help.

The vet looks the bull over and says, “I know what you need.” He goes back to the house and returns with two enormous red pills. The vet say...

What type of fish leads its school?

a sardean

What do you call a sample of gold that used to be lead?

A transition metal.

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful

That in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts

" Where isth she ? "

"In the attic" shouted half of the audience

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to always be the best at something, leading from the front from the very start…

Except with sex. I don’t mind coming from behind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

Lead + Alchemy.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

Why does a mathematician with tourrettes lead a private life?

A good logician never reveals his ticks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

"Read" rhymes with "lead"

... and "read" rhymes with "lead", but "read" doesn't rhyme with "lead."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

what did the new volcanologist researcher say to the other volcanologist after the lead researcher died?

We should probably give him a proper fumarole.

Bacon and Egg lead very interesting lives

Egg went to college but Bacon Strips

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

Why does Optimus Prime lead orchestras in his free time?

Because he is a semiconductor

Why can't Plastic Man lead an orchestra?

Because he's a poor conductor

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."

"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.

"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."<...

I work as the lead singer in a U2 tribute band that provides free performances for charities and at protests

I'm a pro bono pro Bono

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

The lead singer of The Eagles has been arrested by Customs.

Apparently he was trying to smuggle exotic animals parts into the country.

It turns out that you can't hide those lion eyes.

I just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead

He seems like a fungi

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison?

for fingering a minor

(NSFW) GSW blew a 3-1 lead. Cleveland Indians blew a 3-1 lead....

Can't believe La La Land blew a misread

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

You can lead a horse to water

...and you can now make him drink thanks to modern science!

Hi Billy Mays here to tell you about a joke that's front page material!
I'm not asking for 30,000 upvotes, I'm asking for $19.99 + shipping and handling.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!
CLICK NOW AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR KAR...

I can't stop watching movies with strong female leads

I'm a heroine addict

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

Alabama leads nation in fewest covid related deaths.

They have been marking uncles, fathers, and brothers as the same person when they die.

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

What is Middle-Eastern, vegetarian and turns lead into gold?

The falafel-er's stone

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

A general once asked Napoleon Bonaparte if he was capable of leading a country.

"Of Corsican," he replied.

2 jump leads go into a bar..

Barman says “I’m happy to serve you but don’t go starting anything”

Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.

Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

Kissing lead to foreplay...

She liked it when I used one finger,

She: "Now use two fingers"

Me: "Yeah you like that?"

She: "Now stick your hand in..."

Me: "Oh babe, you're kinky"

She: "Two hands now..."

Me: 😦"okay...."

She: "Now clap...

Me: "I can't..."

She: 😏 "I...

The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast

Gotcha :)

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

I like bands that are named for their lead singer.

You know, like Alice Cooper and Tool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

The lead actor in a play has become very ill.

This is a case of lead poisoning.

In the months leading up to their expedition,

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin trained in a remote moon like area in the Western United States. The area was home to several Native American tribes.
One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. The man asked them what they were doing there. They replied that t...

I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.

At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

Why did the flight of mi-24s get confused when a bee flew into the lead helicopter?

Because the lead helicopter is now beehind.

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

a man takes his 7-year-old daughter to visit a castle...

while they are visiting the castle, they come accross some stairs that lead to another floor. since the castle is filled of history and authenticity, the man, amazed by the castle, tells his daughter: "can you believe that a long time ago, the king, ministers and other important people used to take ...

I think retirement can lead to senility.

Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.

They say just doing a little cocaine wont lead to addiction

So I just do a small line every 30-45min

What is the leading manufacturer of vibrators?

Genital Electric

I helped lead a blind man into our local supermarket today.

I mean we were aiming for the car park but I'm a driving instructor, not a miracle worker.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.