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Rent Jokes

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

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[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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There's a young couple that's down on their luck and don't have enough money for rent.

So they talk it over and decide that she'll go and stand on the corner. The first guy that comes up asks how much for sex? and she told him a hundred dollars. He says that he only has forty so she says she'll blow him for that. They go into the alley and when he pulls his pants down she sees he has ...

I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.

Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

My new venture in Russia for renting heavy machinery used to lift materials was not very successful.

U-Crane

Why did the Rasta not pay his rent?

He was Jahb less!

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants

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An Asian man goes to rent a car, and the clerk sees the man's name is Herschel Leibowitz

The clerk asks him how an Asian man like himself got the name Herschel Leibowitz. He responds in a heavy accent "When I was going through immigration, we were in a line in the area where we give our names. The name of the man in front of me was Herschel Leibowitz. When they call for me to ask me ...

A Scotsman was looking for a room to rent for the night.

While walking through a rather dilapidated neighborhood, he came upon a sign outside of a rooming house:

>MCPHERSON'S INN
>
>For Only $20 Ye Get
>
>A Room
>
>20 Course Dinner
>
>Dancing Girls
>
>Bottl...

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

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I pay my rent in sexual favors.

I try to stay on top but sometimes I end up behind.

How did Beethoven rent out his house?

He put it up Fur Elise

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

Do not ever rent an apartment to an ant.

As soon as they sign the lease they then become tenants.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

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House for rent

A man puts an ad in the newspaper: "House for rent: christians only"

Next day, someone came. The bad looking owner shows at the door and grumble:

What do you want?

Well, I saw the ad, I want to rent this house.

Ugh, fine, fine, and what is your name?

David Rosenber...

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.

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I am currently renting a really crappy furnished apartment.

All the appliances suck.

Except the vacuum cleaner.

My landlord doubled my rent. I’m going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I’m going to give up, drinking for a month.

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually get...

If you robbed a bank. You wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, or any bills for about 20 years.

If you get busted for it ,or not.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

When Pablo Picasso was a young struggling artist, he was several months behind in the rent.

The landlord came by and told him that if he didn't come up with the money he would be evicted on Tuesday.


Picasso exclaimed, "Before you kick me out, just think, years from now people will look at this building and say the great Picasso lived there."


The landlord looked at him...

5 ants rent an apartment.

they realize there is plenty of room so they invite another 5 ants to join them



They are now Tenants

RENT FOR APARTMENT [LONG]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR...

Was looking for a place to rent. Landlord said I owe him first and last month's rent.

I said, I'm happy to pay you first month's rent, but it's hardly my responsibility to pay you last month's rent.

I'd like to rent a pueblo style building and open a business selling photographic prints.

It will be called: Adobe Photo Shop

So three guys rent a room at a ski lodge

Three guys rent a room at a ski lodge but due to a lack of other rooms they're forced to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, they all wake up abruptly and the one on the left says *"Man I dreamt I was getting a handjob"*

The guy on the right replies *"That's weird, I was dreaming ...

Room for rent with bathroom just 8km from the city center.

— Nice offer, but you don't have some rooms with a bathroom closer?

A man enters a Blockbuster and asks “I want to rent Batman Forever”

The clerk replies: “I’m sorry but you must return it tomorrow”

Went to Blockbuster and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The best they could do was 3 days.

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.

I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

When you pay rent...

it's like hitting the snooze-bar on being homeless

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

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How does hitler go about renting a car?

He heirs one

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

Looking for a house to rent...

A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they fe...

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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.

The bartender thinks "Wow, a talking duck," and pours him a beer.

The bartender asks "I don't think I've seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?"

The duck says "No, I live across town. I'm a drywaller, and I'm working the office renovation across the street. I...

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

I’ve decided to make a living renting out my two pet ferrets for events.

I’m a small business owner.

I have a guy named Lou who rents from me

I call him Loutenant

What do you call a fetus that pays rent?

A womb-mate

A man in the desert rents out a camel to ride on.

The rental guy asks, “Have you ever ridden one of these?”

The man replies, “No.”

“It’s simple. If you say Woah, it will walk. If you say Woah Woah, it will run. If you say Woah Woah Woah, it will run so fast you have to pray to god to stop.”

The man hops on the camel and says “W...

Two blondes rent a boat and go fishing.

They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st blonde: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

2nd one: Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st blonde: You idiot! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow?

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

Renting a dirty video

A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back.

After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles...

A man is late on his rent...

His landlord is threatening to evict him.

So he lies "I sent the payment last week I swear! Hey you know the old Czechoslovakian guy that lives below me, Jaroslav? I saw him going through everyone's mail the other day. He must have stole it!"

The landlord calls the cops and the elderl...

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

What do you call an army official who rents toilets?

A Loo-Tenant

What happens when a Communist doesn’t pay their rent?

They get Bolshevik-ted.

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner

And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

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A man is looking to rent a camel...

He drives around and notices on the side of the road a man sitting with a sign that says, "Camel 4 Rent". Being ecstatic, he pulls over and talks to the owner regarding a rental.

"It will cost you $250 for one hour," says the owner of the camel.

"$250??? That's pretty expensive. How a...

What does a pirate call renting cheap accomodation?

Arr'Bnb.

I once shared renting a property with a man from the army...

...I took the right half, and he was the left tenant.

I rented a house out of town.

It looks so isolated and peaceful. I asked the landlord if the house was rented by anyone before. He said that the house was previously rented by many ones. I asked why they left house and he said that they never left the house. I didn't get what he said.

Three guys were traveling for a ski trip to the mountains and had to stop in a small town to rent a room for the night.

The small mountain inn only had one room left, and it only had a single queen size bed. Being a drafty old inn, the men decided to sleep together in the same bed to conserve space and warmth.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said, "Oh my god, you guys, I had the ...

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

One time I went to Blockbusters and asked if I could rent Batman Forever...

The man at the counter said, “NO! You can only rent it for the week”!

"Where can I rent a scientist?"

Post-World War 2 Germany.

I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.

They said, take IT or leave IT.

TWO men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment.

The reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day that they go fishing, they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the ...

A guy took his girlfriend to prom.....

...He waits in the long ticket line but gets the tickets. Goes to rent a limo waits at the rental line for very long, but rented it. Went to buy flowers for his date, stands in a long line, finally he got the flowers.At prom, she asked him to go get some punch. He went to the refreshment table, and ...

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.

Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines.

He is now the lessor of two weasels.

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A man walks into a library to rent a book.

He goes up to the librarian and asks,

"Do you have any books on suicide?"

She angrily looks at him and shouts, "Fuck you, you'll never return it!"

Two idiots rent a boat...

They go out fishing and have the best day they've ever had. Both of them have caught personal bests, and wish to remember the spot so they can come back tomorrow. One guy asks how they will remember the spot. The other guy says "I know!" And begins to draw a big "X" in the bottom of the boat with a ...

A father thought of surprisingly paying a visit to his son at his apartment he was renting, he came to know that....

his son was renting the place alongwith a girl, he gave his son 'the look' and his son clarified that it's not what he thinks and they're just housemates.
The father didn't say anything and he asked if he could crash for one more day and both the boy and the girl were fine with it.
Next day he...

Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.

Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...

I’m too cheap to rent a parachute

I prefer free falling

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.

We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

I went to the local video store and asked if I could rent Batman Forever

The clerk said "no, you need to bring it back by Tuesday"

How do princes and princesses rent castles?

Heirbnb.

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You can tell how good a house is to rent just by looking at the advertisement outside.

If there’s an i between the “TO LET” sign, you know it’s a shit hole.

An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free" said the owner.

Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the
o...

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Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent

She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

An AmerIcan pilot rents a small plane while on vacation in Australia...

The plane start to have engine trouble and crashes. He wakes up in the hospital the following day in a body cast and excruciating pain. Depressed and in agony, he asks the nurse to come over.

He asks her, “Did I come here to die?”

The Australian nurse responds, “Of course not, sweethe...

Did you hear Tom Cruise rented a whole ship for the M17 crew’s accommodation in Norway?

It really is a Tom Cruise.

What hotel did Blockbuster rent for their corporate retreats?

Hotel Rewind-a.

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

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I rented a prostitute for $60 an hour,

I paid her 50 cents.

Guy takes his girlfriend to the prom...

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do.

First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a flo...

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My internet was down so I rented a porno from the last video store in the country...

I was really excited to watch it but was disappointed to see that it was just a fat guy masturbating in the dark. And then I realized I forgot to turn the TV on.

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

For some reason, I have a hard time renting trailers.

I never seem to pull it off without a hitch.

I couldn't recall where I had rented my car from...

...but then I remembered the Alamo

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

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Rented myself a little studio in Glasgow. It's so nice that every girl I've brought back has instantly agreed to sex.

I love my aye pad.

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My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.

He is a leaser of two evils.

Bill Nye's grandfather rented a tuxedo to attend a Rotary convention in Philadelphia. The tuxedo came with an untied bow tie and he didn't know how to tie it.

Just taking a chance he knocked on his hotel's next door and there was a guy there.

\- Excuse me, can you help me tie my tie?

\- Sure. Just lie down on the bed.

The grandfather wasn't sure what he was getting into, but he wanted to have the tie on.

So he lay down on the b...

Why does Sia live in a low-rent apartment?

She loves cheap bills

It's a little know fact that the Kraken cannot be owned, only rented.

Re-lease the Kraken.

After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed...

...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.

Friend said he was going to rent a court for us to play on

The next time I saw him


He booked it.

Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

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Apparently the same firm rents buildings to both ISIS and Neo-Nazis.

You could say they're the lessor of two evils.

[OC] What do you call it when mozzarella, cheddar, and parmesan rent a little beach house together?

Cottage cheese

Did you know Beethoven wrote a song in order to pay his rent?

It was for a lease

An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.

I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.

A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.

I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.

Her cousin said that she was lying that the money sh...

I asked my math teacher if he wanted to rent an apartment with me

Then he went on some tangent about needing a co-sign.

Late at night a divorced man has a phone call from the police station.

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

"Nothing," she says. "You know when we ...

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I am satisfied with my life choices. I no longer pay for rent, food, electricity and blow jobs...

not until my jail term ends...

I’m moving to North Carolina and I think I’m going to buy a house instead of renting

I hear the market is flooded right now

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