UPJOKE
rippullrivetearbustrupturesnapyahroooodrahdurhurgadtoh

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

When Pablo Picasso was a young struggling artist, he was several months behind in the rent.

The landlord came by and told him that if he didn't come up with the money he would be evicted on Tuesday.


Picasso exclaimed, "Before you kick me out, just think, years from now people will look at this building and say the great Picasso lived there."


The landlord looked at him...

My landlord doubled my rent. I’m going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I’m going to give up, drinking for a month.

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

Room for rent with bathroom just 8km from the city center.

— Nice offer, but you don't have some rooms with a bathroom closer?

I’m so sick of Millennials and their attitudes….

Always walking around like they rent the place

I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.

Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

A man in the desert rents out a camel to ride on.

The rental guy asks, “Have you ever ridden one of these?”

The man replies, “No.”

“It’s simple. If you say Woah, it will walk. If you say Woah Woah, it will run. If you say Woah Woah Woah, it will run so fast you have to pray to god to stop.”

The man hops on the camel and says “W...

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.

A man enters a Blockbuster and asks “I want to rent Batman Forever”

The clerk replies: “I’m sorry but you must return it tomorrow”

Moving back in with your parents is not rent free.

There’s at least one or two of them.

Three guys were traveling for a ski trip to the mountains and had to stop in a small town to rent a room for the night.

The small mountain inn only had one room left, and it only had a single queen size bed. Being a drafty old inn, the men decided to sleep together in the same bed to conserve space and warmth.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said, "Oh my god, you guys, I had the ...

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

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Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert.

He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and says to Shaun "ah, that would have been the Camel Leg Thief, you ca...

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw ...

How did Beethoven rent out his house?

He put it up Fur Elise

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.

We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

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I pay my rent in sexual favors.

I try to stay on top but sometimes I end up behind.

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.

I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

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Busy night

A young married couple was having money problems, and since the rent was due in just two days and they were short, they had to think of something fast…

She might not have been the brightest bulb, but his wife had a great ass, so when he suggested she turn that great ass into a money-maker an...

Went to Blockbuster and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The best they could do was 3 days.

Bill Nye's grandfather rented a tuxedo to attend a Rotary convention in Philadelphia. The tuxedo came with an untied bow tie and he didn't know how to tie it.

Just taking a chance he knocked on his hotel's next door and there was a guy there.

\- Excuse me, can you help me tie my tie?

\- Sure. Just lie down on the bed.

The grandfather wasn't sure what he was getting into, but he wanted to have the tie on.

So he lay down on the b...

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

So three guys rent a room at a ski lodge

Three guys rent a room at a ski lodge but due to a lack of other rooms they're forced to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, they all wake up abruptly and the one on the left says *"Man I dreamt I was getting a handjob"*

The guy on the right replies *"That's weird, I was dreaming ...

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

Was looking for a place to rent. Landlord said I owe him first and last month's rent.

I said, I'm happy to pay you first month's rent, but it's hardly my responsibility to pay you last month's rent.

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

A boy asks a girl to prom

A boy asks a girl to prom and she says yes.
He wants to looks nice so he heads to the suit store. As there's a lot of prom goers shopping, there's a long suit line.
The boy waits in the line, buys the suit and and leaves to go rent a car.
As there's a lot of prom goers here as well, there'...

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Three guys go to a luxury resort for a business siminar

This resort happens to have a very high end golf course so they each bring their clubs in the hopes of getting in a round if they get some free time. As luck would have it midweek the day's activities end at lunchtime. So they grab their clubs and head to the clubhouse to see about getting a tee t...

A father thought of surprisingly paying a visit to his son at his apartment he was renting, he came to know that....

his son was renting the place alongwith a girl, he gave his son 'the look' and his son clarified that it's not what he thinks and they're just housemates.
The father didn't say anything and he asked if he could crash for one more day and both the boy and the girl were fine with it.
Next day he...

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

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A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young attractive woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. Tell me what you want?"

Man " well it's kinda embarrassing."

Woman "Dont worry I'm a professional and deal with many cases everyday".

Man "Well, My cock is always e...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

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*The TV Game*

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie.

So both are given one final assignment.

It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

It is a city in Africa.

The priest returns...

Dad sees a patient..

Dad and I operate a practice together.

He once had a patient that came in with a flea behind his ear. Week after week, said patient keeps returning to get this flea looked at.

One day, dad goes on vacation, and leaves me in charge of the practice.

The patient comes in, and in h...

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

Two idiots go on a fishing trip

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this u...

Family vacation

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet ...

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

A man's father dies...

After the funeral and burial he wrote a check to pay for the entire service.

A month later he received a letter from the funeral parlor. He opened it and saw it was a bill for a hundred dollars.

They must have overlooked some detail he thought so he wrote a check and sent it back to th...

One time I went to Blockbusters and asked if I could rent Batman Forever...

The man at the counter said, “NO! You can only rent it for the week”!

I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.

They said, take IT or leave IT.

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants

What do you call a fetus that pays rent?

A womb-mate

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says,"Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case".
Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around thi...

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.

Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

Did you hear Tom Cruise rented a whole ship for the M17 crew’s accommodation in Norway?

It really is a Tom Cruise.

I was going to open a business renting out blow up bouncy castles...

I was going to open a business renting out blow up bouncy castles, but I've heard that the IRS doesn't like it when you inflate your assets.

What do you call a Metal Can renting an apartment?

A tinant.

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner

And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

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You can tell how good a house is to rent just by looking at the advertisement outside.

If there’s an i between the “TO LET” sign, you know it’s a shit hole.

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

Two blondes rent a boat and go fishing.

They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st blonde: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

2nd one: Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st blonde: You idiot! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow?

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Rented myself a little studio in Glasgow. It's so nice that every girl I've brought back has instantly agreed to sex.

I love my aye pad.

I have a guy named Lou who rents from me

I call him Loutenant

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

I once shared renting a property with a man from the army...

...I took the right half, and he was the left tenant.

What do you call an army official who rents toilets?

A Loo-Tenant

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

A guy walks into a bar, pulls up a seat, and orders his favorite drink.

In the bar there's a group of gorgeous blond ladies who are having a bit of a celebration. "TWENTY-SIX DAYS! TWENTY-SIX DAYS!" they shout as they're knocking back drink after drink.

This goes on for some time. The ladies are getting more and more intoxicated, "TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS.... &...

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

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My internet was down so I rented a porno from the last video store in the country...

I was really excited to watch it but was disappointed to see that it was just a fat guy masturbating in the dark. And then I realized I forgot to turn the TV on.

Three Shops

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee by the name of Bruce shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.

"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"

"Men's Wear," say...

I rented a house out of town.

It looks so isolated and peaceful. I asked the landlord if the house was rented by anyone before. He said that the house was previously rented by many ones. I asked why they left house and he said that they never left the house. I didn't get what he said.

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House for rent

A man puts an ad in the newspaper: "House for rent: christians only"

Next day, someone came. The bad looking owner shows at the door and grumble:

What do you want?

Well, I saw the ad, I want to rent this house.

Ugh, fine, fine, and what is your name?

David Rosenber...

What happens when a Communist doesn’t pay their rent?

They get Bolshevik-ted.

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

Hillary Clinton is giving a lesson about the world at a gifted-student primary school in New York

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? Second -...

Homes are so expensive in my area I had to move into my friend's bouncy castle.

The rent's pretty expensive, but it's mostly due to inflation.

Looking for a house to rent...

A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they fe...

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Did you hear Elon Musk opened a storefront down at the mall?

"Space for Rent"

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A man is looking to rent a camel...

He drives around and notices on the side of the road a man sitting with a sign that says, "Camel 4 Rent". Being ecstatic, he pulls over and talks to the owner regarding a rental.

"It will cost you $250 for one hour," says the owner of the camel.

"$250??? That's pretty expensive. How a...

What does a pirate call renting cheap accomodation?

Arr'Bnb.

[OC] What do you call it when mozzarella, cheddar, and parmesan rent a little beach house together?

Cottage cheese

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Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent

She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

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My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.

He is a leaser of two evils.

Do not ever rent an apartment to an ant.

As soon as they sign the lease they then become tenants.

I got evicted from the womb at birth

I guess that makes sense because I wasn’t paying rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.

Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...

After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed...

...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.

My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines.

He is now the lessor of two weasels.

A man is late on his rent...

His landlord is threatening to evict him.

So he lies "I sent the payment last week I swear! Hey you know the old Czechoslovakian guy that lives below me, Jaroslav? I saw him going through everyone's mail the other day. He must have stole it!"

The landlord calls the cops and the elderl...

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

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A man walks into a library to rent a book.

He goes up to the librarian and asks,

"Do you have any books on suicide?"

She angrily looks at him and shouts, "Fuck you, you'll never return it!"

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

When you pay rent...

it's like hitting the snooze-bar on being homeless

Renting a dirty video

A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back.

After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles...

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

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A blonde decided to rent her first porno...

...so she went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded sexy. She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR, but nothing appeared on her screen except static. So she called the video store and complained. She said "I just rented a por...

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

"Where can I rent a scientist?"

Post-World War 2 Germany.

I’m moving to North Carolina and I think I’m going to buy a house instead of renting

I hear the market is flooded right now

Fishing

A young couple rents a cabin for a week on a lake for their honeymoon. As they arrive they are met by an older gentleman who shows them where the fresh sheets are and how to use the fireplace and such. He bids them well and drives off to his home on the other side of the lake.

A week later, a...

It's a little know fact that the Kraken cannot be owned, only rented.

Re-lease the Kraken.

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Two older couple…

Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now...

An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.

I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.

A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.

I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.

Her cousin said that she was lying that the money sh...

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

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