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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

​

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

​

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a bu...

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

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A teen moves to a new school

A teen moves to a new school, only to learn it has a very similar social structure. There's only one group that he can't figure out. It's made up of a cheerleader, a goth girl, and a thot.

He finds a group he gets along with pretty well and asks one of his new classmates about them.

Th...

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cause you’re blocking the TV

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

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A family moves from Maine to Massachusetts

Their son is enrolled in the third grade.
The first day, he comes home from school looking sad. He goes to his father and says "Da, today at school we had history, and all the kids from Massachusetts know more than me. Why?" And his father says, "Well, son, that's because you're from Maine, and...

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

A preacher moves to a new neighborhood...

He rides his bike around the neighborhood checking it out, and comes across a little boy with a lawn mower and a for sale sign.

Preacher:Why you selling the lawnmower?

Boy:I'm tired of mowing, I want a bike to ride around on.

Preacher:Well I just moved here and I need a lawnmowe...

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

I am going to build an app that allows people to charge rent to their adult children when they move back in after college.

It's called HeirBNB.

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

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Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later.

The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place.
“It’s terrific,” he says. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

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A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

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Hey guys I've been talking to this girl for a while, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice to move out of the friendzone.

Because she's fucking crazy and I need to get away from this bitch.

My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land

It was a very heavy bird den

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A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

What do you call a sequence of dance moves made by Al Gore?

An algorithm.

Putin wants everyone to move to Moscow. Don't worry if you're busy.

He won't Russia

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What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

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If your roommate made you watch a movie and left after 10 minutes, it would be a dick move.

My point: Old people should not vote.

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

Why did Elon Musk move to an African island?

Because he was mad at gas car.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

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A newlywed couple moves into a house they've bought recently

They want to name the house but are having a hard time coming up with a suitable name. The couple comes into an agreement; they'll name the house after whatever is the next thing one of them says. A couple of hours of silence go by until the man trips while carrying some boxes into the house. Loudly...

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Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

I wanted to move a statue of a god

But it remained idle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his gr...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Yo mamma so fat when she moves earth moves in opposite direction.

because it’s flat, you dumb genius.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

What dance move catches everyone by surprise?

The Plot Twist!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.

My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

Whom do you call when your unvaccinated teenager won't move out?

An exorcist.

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

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An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Lord moves in mysterious ways

But you don't have to, so use your fucking blinkers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their c...

What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden?

The avrage IQ of both countries go up.

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.

Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

A german women and a Spanish guy get married and move to Spain...

Though she didn't know Spanish, ~~witch~~ which proved to be a problem. Each time she went to the grocery store to buy chicken's breast, she would have to point towards her own chest so the vender could understand what she wanted to buy. Things went on like this, until one day, when she wanted to bu...

I was waiting for a girl to make a move on me, but it was taking her too long

Then I found out she was a Chess Player

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A man moves out to the countryside.

A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.

While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.

The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.

These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until o...

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

"Dad, I don't wanna move to Australia"

Dad: "Shut up and keep rowing"

What does Gucci Mane say to get people to move out of his way?

Scooch

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Your favorite joke from a move or a show?

What's your favotire joke that you heard in a movie or a show?


Mine would be:
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Trea...

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An iron worker moves to Iraq

An iron worker moves to Iraq to make use of all the scrap metal lying around. After a few weeks of collecting he had a few close calls with finding mines in the piles of scrap, which according to the locals was a fairly common occurrence. After nearly loosing his arms for the fifth or sixth time he ...

Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.

Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?

Team: Parking!?

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”


The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

I was helping my sister move when she said, "do you wanna box?"

Why was she so mad when I punched her in the face?

A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas,

walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would ta...

What's a fencing Redditor's favourite move?

The riposte.

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"

Edit: Wow, thank you people of reddit (- who still enjoy jokes without telling "omg, it's old."); (Jk, i love you all.)
You are all beautiful.

I learned a new move in fencing class today.

Riposte

I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?

Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside,

...in middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbor, a big, hairy guy living a few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time.

"Theres gonna be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbor. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet l...

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to rural Idaho...

The day he finally gets all moved in, he decides to go down the road to meet his neighbor. The man knocks on the door and when the neighbor opens it, the man says, "Hey, I just moved in down the way and I thought I'd come and meet my nearest neighbor".

"Well great!" says the neighbor, "You c...

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An older man retires, and decides to move to Mexico

because his modest savings will go a lot further there. He tries, but really struggles to learn the language and local customs. Some days he’d sleep until noon and enjoy being retired…but a few days a week he made it a point to wake up early, fry a couple of eggs, and head into town to immerse himse...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

Convincing your girlfriend she's a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning.

It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

What did The Terminator say to convince his girlfriend to move in with him?

Live with me if you want to come.

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man moves to a new neighborhood...

...and after getting settled in, he goes down to the nehborood bar. When he walks in. He sees a fishbowl full of $100 bills on the bar with a note that says “Ask bartender about contest”.

So the guy sits down, orders a beer, and motions towards the fishbowl. He asks the bartender, “So what’s...

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A man moves out to the middle of nowhere.

He has no neighbors in sight for atleast 5 miles. About a week later he gets a knock on the door.

He answers the door and the man says, “Howdy, I’m your neighbor about 5 miles south, I just wanted to welcome to the neighborhood and invite you to my party tomorrow.”

He says “Well thank ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Husband has become well-known for how well his marriage is going..

It had been almost 50 years, and not a single fight, nor disagreement had ever occurred between the two. One day, a friend finally confronted him to share his secret of success.

"Well, my friend.. it all goes back to our beautiful wedding. After the ceremony, we promised to ride horses into t...

Why does Trump always move so slowly?

He doesn't want anyone to think he's rushin'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.