If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on ho...

My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot

Ouch

What did the father tree say to his son when he was ready to move out?

Boy, don’t forget your roots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop...

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”



The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”



While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

I've seen a lot of great moves as a fencing teacher...

...but you guys have the best ripostes.

I hate immigrants...

If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there...

Which NBA player has moves like a mouse?

S. Curry

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner ...

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the girl of my dreams doesn’t have the same affection that I have for her and that really sucks because I really liked her. Oh well. I guess I just have to move on and let her go

She’s been tied up in my basement long enough

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

What's a redditors favourite swordfighting move

A riposte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

How do you get a Greek boat to move?

Just ϱ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A retired polish porn star moves to America with his family.

He eventually gets to old to live by himself during the days no one is there so they find him a home. His son asked him, "how are they treating you, are you enjoying it?"

"Yes!" He replied, "They treat everyone here with much respect! Tom down the hall was a doctor and they still call him Dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy businessman sells everything he has and moves to a cottage in the countryside.

He unpacks his things and goes out to the front porch to sit on his rocking chair and soak in the ambiance.

A pickup rolls by.


"Howdy!" says the driver, a toothless bearded man in his fifties.

"Hey!"

"You new round here?"

"Sure am. Just unpacked."

"Say,...

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, Sir. You've already moved most of the earth."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men can't move their penis without closing their butt...

And that is how you make any man clench their ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teen moves to a new school

A teen moves to a new school, only to learn it has a very similar social structure. There's only one group that he can't figure out. It's made up of a cheerleader, a goth girl, and a thot.

He finds a group he gets along with pretty well and asks one of his new classmates about them.

Th...

I am going to build an app that allows people to charge rent to their adult children when they move back in after college.

It's called HeirBNB.

What's the most explosive opening move in chess?

C4

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later.

The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

Three Chinese brothers decided that they move to US.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu and Fu decided that they move to the US. To fit in better, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changes his name to Chuck and Fu stayed in China.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A retired stock broker moves to the country

He buys a large plot of land and is living by himself for a few months when he gets a knock on the door.
The man answers the door and a large country boy is standing there.

"Muh name is Bubba, I'm your neighbor with the farm across from ya"

The man is excited as he hasn't really ...

A preacher moves to a new neighborhood...

He rides his bike around the neighborhood checking it out, and comes across a little boy with a lawn mower and a for sale sign.

Preacher:Why you selling the lawnmower?

Boy:I'm tired of mowing, I want a bike to ride around on.

Preacher:Well I just moved here and I need a lawnmowe...

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land

It was a very heavy bird den

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place.
“It’s terrific,” he says. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family moves from Maine to Massachusetts

Their son is enrolled in the third grade.
The first day, he comes home from school looking sad. He goes to his father and says "Da, today at school we had history, and all the kids from Massachusetts know more than me. Why?" And his father says, "Well, son, that's because you're from Maine, and...

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

What do you call a sequence of dance moves made by Al Gore?

An algorithm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey guys I've been talking to this girl for a while, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice to move out of the friendzone.

Because she's fucking crazy and I need to get away from this bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your roommate made you watch a movie and left after 10 minutes, it would be a dick move.

My point: Old people should not vote.

Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

Why did Elon Musk move to an African island?

Because he was mad at gas car.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his gr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.

My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

What dance move catches everyone by surprise?

The Plot Twist!

Yo mamma so fat when she moves earth moves in opposite direction.

because it’s flat, you dumb genius.

Whom do you call when your unvaccinated teenager won't move out?

An exorcist.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lord moves in mysterious ways

But you don't have to, so use your fucking blinkers

What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden?

The avrage IQ of both countries go up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man moves out to the countryside.

A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.

While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.

The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.

These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until o...

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

A german women and a Spanish guy get married and move to Spain...

Though she didn't know Spanish, ~~witch~~ which proved to be a problem. Each time she went to the grocery store to buy chicken's breast, she would have to point towards her own chest so the vender could understand what she wanted to buy. Things went on like this, until one day, when she wanted to bu...

I was waiting for a girl to make a move on me, but it was taking her too long

Then I found out she was a Chess Player

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"

Edit: Wow, thank you people of reddit (- who still enjoy jokes without telling "omg, it's old."); (Jk, i love you all.)
You are all beautiful.

Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.

Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?

Team: Parking!?

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.

Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your favorite joke from a move or a show?

What's your favotire joke that you heard in a movie or a show?


Mine would be:
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Trea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”


The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

What does Gucci Mane say to get people to move out of his way?

Scooch

"Dad, I don't wanna move to Australia"

Dad: "Shut up and keep rowing"

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.