A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cause you’re blocking the TV

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

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Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later.

The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

What do you call a sequence of dance moves made by Al Gore?

An algorithm.

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A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

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What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

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If your roommate made you watch a movie and left after 10 minutes, it would be a dick move.

My point: Old people should not vote.

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A newlywed couple moves into a house they've bought recently

They want to name the house but are having a hard time coming up with a suitable name. The couple comes into an agreement; they'll name the house after whatever is the next thing one of them says. A couple of hours of silence go by until the man trips while carrying some boxes into the house. Loudly...

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

I wanted to move a statue of a god

But it remained idle.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

Yo mamma so fat when she moves earth moves in opposite direction.

because it’s flat, you dumb genius.

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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

What dance move catches everyone by surprise?

The Plot Twist!

Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his gr...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

What happens when an austrailian moves to the soviet union?

A Czechmate

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

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A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.

My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.

Whom do you call when your unvaccinated teenager won't move out?

An exorcist.

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The Lord moves in mysterious ways

But you don't have to, so use your fucking blinkers

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

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An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

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A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their c...

What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden?

The avrage IQ of both countries go up.

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A man moves out to the countryside.

A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.

While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.

The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.

These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until o...

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the wall...

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I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers

They say that when you encounter a lion, you shouldn't move a muscle.

So when I encountered one, I stood still for 6 hours.

Then a bloke approached me and said, "The zoo is about to be closed."

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

What spell do you use to make someone move over?

Scootyus Bootyus

A german women and a Spanish guy get married and move to Spain...

Though she didn't know Spanish, ~~witch~~ which proved to be a problem. Each time she went to the grocery store to buy chicken's breast, she would have to point towards her own chest so the vender could understand what she wanted to buy. Things went on like this, until one day, when she wanted to bu...

I was waiting for a girl to make a move on me, but it was taking her too long

Then I found out she was a Chess Player

I took the shell of my pet snail to see if it would move faster

If anything it’s a little more sluggish...

"Dad, I don't wanna move to Australia"

Dad: "Shut up and keep rowing"

What does Gucci Mane say to get people to move out of his way?

Scooch

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

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An iron worker moves to Iraq

An iron worker moves to Iraq to make use of all the scrap metal lying around. After a few weeks of collecting he had a few close calls with finding mines in the piles of scrap, which according to the locals was a fairly common occurrence. After nearly loosing his arms for the fifth or sixth time he ...

A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas,

walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would ta...

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

I was helping my sister move when she said, "do you wanna box?"

Why was she so mad when I punched her in the face?

I learned a new move in fencing class today.

Riposte

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”


The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

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Your favorite joke from a move or a show?

What's your favotire joke that you heard in a movie or a show?


Mine would be:
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Trea...

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A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside,

...in middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbor, a big, hairy guy living a few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time.

"Theres gonna be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbor. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet l...

Elon Musk: Did you move my car?

Team: Yeah.

Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?

Team: Parking!?

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?

Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

What did The Terminator say to convince his girlfriend to move in with him?

Live with me if you want to come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to rural Idaho...

The day he finally gets all moved in, he decides to go down the road to meet his neighbor. The man knocks on the door and when the neighbor opens it, the man says, "Hey, I just moved in down the way and I thought I'd come and meet my nearest neighbor".

"Well great!" says the neighbor, "You c...

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An older man retires, and decides to move to Mexico

because his modest savings will go a lot further there. He tries, but really struggles to learn the language and local customs. Some days he’d sleep until noon and enjoy being retired…but a few days a week he made it a point to wake up early, fry a couple of eggs, and head into town to immerse himse...

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A Husband has become well-known for how well his marriage is going..

It had been almost 50 years, and not a single fight, nor disagreement had ever occurred between the two. One day, a friend finally confronted him to share his secret of success.

"Well, my friend.. it all goes back to our beautiful wedding. After the ceremony, we promised to ride horses into t...

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During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"

Edit: Wow, thank you people of reddit (- who still enjoy jokes without telling "omg, it's old."); (Jk, i love you all.)
You are all beautiful.

Where did the Pirate from Kansas move to?

Ar-Kansas

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

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Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

Convincing your girlfriend she's a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning.

It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

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A man moves to a new neighborhood...

...and after getting settled in, he goes down to the nehborood bar. When he walks in. He sees a fishbowl full of $100 bills on the bar with a note that says “Ask bartender about contest”.

So the guy sits down, orders a beer, and motions towards the fishbowl. He asks the bartender, “So what’s...

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A man moves out to the middle of nowhere.

He has no neighbors in sight for atleast 5 miles. About a week later he gets a knock on the door.

He answers the door and the man says, “Howdy, I’m your neighbor about 5 miles south, I just wanted to welcome to the neighborhood and invite you to my party tomorrow.”

He says “Well thank ...

Why does Trump always move so slowly?

He doesn't want anyone to think he's rushin'

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.

A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, sa...

Why did Slovakia move to digital banking?

because they ran out of Czechs

Soon enough, Apple will make the brilliant move of following a big trend in the gaming industry...

..."remastering" the ORIGINAL iPhone rather than releasing a new model.

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

Why can't statues move?

Because they're too stoned

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

Why did the whistleblower wait until summer to move to Russia?

It doesn’t really Snowden.

Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays?

It’s called the Srirachachacha

A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,

"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"

The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

How did the ancient Greek rabbit move around at night?

He had a Hoplite.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion, take one step sideways and then one step back. Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion...

...and prevents you from standing in your own shit.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Hey, anyone want to move to pompeii?

I hear the economy is pretty solid over there.

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree


Kid: California starts with Cal


Dad: And?


Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal


Dad: What does that mean?


Kid: It all adds up