This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

Women really hold grudges.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

I can't hold in any of these spoilers any longer...

...Snape kills Dumbledore. The Titanic sinks. Brazil lost to Germany.

I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

A Roman citizen walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,

“Five beers please!”

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Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

When someone says hold your horses...

They’re telling you to be stable

Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever. The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.

At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop i...

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

My neighbour holds the world record for most concussions...

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

Why can’t miss piggy hold down a relationship?

Because she’s afraid of kermit-ment

An Iguana can hold it's breathe for up to 28 minutes

or longer if you don't mind it dying.

If I hold sodium in my hand...

Do I have Napalm?

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

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What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

Why shouldn't you let Elsa hold a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

Whenever people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive in that situation.

Almost died watching Aquaman..

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A town holds a poetry competition every year

The participants are given a word for that year and everybody must make up a poem on the spot using that word. The competition has dwindled down to only two contestants. For the final round, the two finalists must make up a poem using the word "Timbuktu."

The first guy goes to the podium and...

My best friend told me that i hold grudges too much.

I never spoke to him again.

How does an orthodontist hold on to a lawyer?

He makes him a retainer

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

New York City tried to hold a nice New Year's Eve party.

But they dropped the ball.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A soldier holds 3 hostages during war

He says he will set all the non-conformists free and shoots the others. So, he begin giving his questions to the 3 men.

Soldier: "Are you a Muslim?"

1st man: "No, I eat pork and have gay sex."

The soldier sets him free and gives him bacon to eat. Proceeding to the second man, th...

Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster

A zipper

A priests asks the convicted murderer

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

My town is holding their annual incest competition...

...I entered my sister.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family holds a reunion and decides to run a lemonade stand.

The mother was an architect, the father was a computer scientist, the son was a business owner, and the daughter was a prostitute. The family held a reunion and decided that a great bonding exercise would be to run a lemonade stand.

The family split tasks when designing the lemonade stand. Th...

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water

Well, dam!

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"

"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

I’ve always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation

Finding Nemo was a tough one

Is it okay to repeatedly tap the gas pedal instead of hold it down?

I ask because I didn't want to leave it depressed.

Why did Demi Lovato hold Wonder Woman captive?

Because she was a heroine addict

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.

This one is round and red."  Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl.  "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.  The next one is oval shaped and green."  The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."  No, it's a guana, but i...

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English la...

Do you know who holds the world record for time spent in a cave?

It turns out it's actually a Thai

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

But she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!!”

In 1972, American singer/songwriter, Bill Withers, originally wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan. In the musical, Hook has become very discouraged by his lack of success in defeating Peter and the Lost Boys, so his right hand man sings to him and offers a shoulder to hold on to...

Lean on Smee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Wel...

I hold prejudices against people with certain blod types.

edit: Blood*. Damnit. I hate type-Os.

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

Why does Mexico never hold the olympics?

Everyone that can run, jump, and swim are already out of the country.

I grew up on McDonalds, and it still holds a special place in my heart.

I’ve even got plaque dedicated to it.

In America, we hold staring contests.

In Asia, they squint.

Why do gangsters hold their guns sideways?

Because that's the way it came in the box.

Where do Peeping Toms with foot fetishes hold their annual conference?

Topeka, KS

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did Michael Jackson hold that baby over the balcony?

...He didn’t want to drip any cum on the carpet

Worst way to hold a baby?

Hostage.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up the...

What do you say to a guy trying to hold open a revolving door?

Nothing. It'll hit him eventually.