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hold up

if bedbugs live in beds where do cockroaches live

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of an aircraft that is rapidly plummeting towards the ground.

They all realise that one must sacrifice themselves to save the rest. Nobody volunteers to sacrifice themselves, the. suddenly the brunette makes a heroic speech about how she will let go of the aircraft to save the rest.

Then all the blondes clap.

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A boy holding duct tape walks by an old man on a bench

The old man says, "what're you doing with that duct tape?" The boy replies saying, "I'm going to go catch some ducks." The old man says, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough, the boys comes back later holding a bunch of ducks wrapped in duct tape.

The next day the boy passes th...

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The Pretzel hold

For years, there has been the champ, and nobody has been able to beat him because of his "pretzel hold". Eventually, this wrestler was good enough to beat the champ, except for the pretzel hold. He got his chance, and took to the ring. Within Minutes, he was slammed into the Pretzel hold, and the cr...

what has 36 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?

my zipper

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Heard a rumour from Jack Blacks ex that he could hold a boner for 12 hours

That's some Tenacious D

When someone tells you to , "hold your horses"

They are telling you to be "stable"

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

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A man holds a contest to see who can bring him the most ping pong

A very wealthy collector decides to hold a competition to see who can bring him the most ping pong balls at once. They have a week to do so.

Three men sign up for the challenge and are promised a big reward if they can gather more balls than their fellow competitors.

A week goes by an...

What do you call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a World Cup?

A waiter

I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

i hate it whenever i try to be nice and hold a door open for people

and then they just scream and fly out of the plane, like, what the hell?

Someone stole the enclosure that was built to hold the animals in the ark.

Newspaper headline: “Noah fence taken.”

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

What do you call a clown holding a door open for an elderly woman?

A nice jester

Which country holds the most electric charge?

Coulombia.

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

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Next time your homie is holding a grudge tell him:

You need to take a chillaxative & let that shit go

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

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Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally.

During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan.

Octopus : [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat : You're one short buddy

A roman man walks into a bar and holds up two fingers

While saying “five beers please.”

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

A Roman centurion, in a noisy saloon, walks up to the bartender holding up two fingers and says loudly

"5 beers please".

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Hold a door for a lady and you are called a Gentleman.

Hold a revolving door and people will call you an Asshole.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

There are three things holding me back in life:

1. Extreme ADHD that makes it impossible to finish a task.

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation

Almost died watching Finding Nemo

Did you hear about the Cobra who couldn't hold himself upright?

He had reptile dysfunction

I'm holding a bee in my hands. What is in my eye?

Beauty

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.


Edit: *Father


Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

One snowman is under a tree, holding a red lightsaber,

another, is in the sun, holding a green lightsaber,

Red snowman: Come to the dark side.

Green snowman: Why? all you do is terrorise people!

Red snowman: Dude, we're snowmen, the dark side; under the tree..

Green snowman: Oh! Okay.

Red snowman mumbling: Stupid..

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears of course!

My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight

He has a chip on his shoulder

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head

. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

Why did the chicken hold a seance?

To get to the other side.

We are holding our annual social anxiety conference this weekend.

We hope to have more than 1 person show up this year.

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We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

What's the name of the type of force that holds a baby in the mother's womb?

Centrifetal

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

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I'm holding an charity event for people who can't orgasm.

Please let me know if you can't come.

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A knight and his footmen were holding a castle during a war.

One of the footmen guarding the gatehousse begins calling.

"SIRE, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE"

The knight orders the men to defensive positions and rushes up the wall where the footman points at the indistinct and distant mass of men.

"What do you think? Friends or foe?" ...

A Spanish man walks into a department store

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines" said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl....

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

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Cannibals hold a grudge.

I was invited to attend a cannibal banquet, but showed up late. Apparently they were pissed because all I got was the cold shoulder.

The banquet manager was walking by holding a hot bowl of soup...

She said "hot stuff coming through"

I responded "oh? What are you carrying then?"

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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.

The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.

She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, a...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

I get really embaressed when my wife asks me to hold her handbag...

I look like an idiot holding two.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

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A singer is holding a concert indoors.

While doing so, he feels the urge to defecate. As soon as he finishised the piece, he excuses himself upstairs.

He notices the WC has the hole continue indefinitely instead of curving, but doesn't worry too much. He does his buisness and goes downstairs.

There, everybody is running awa...

A chimp walks into a bar

A chimp walks into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the chimp, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the ba...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a..................beer."

The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."

Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

So Gary goes to prison...

One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.

"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out...

What’s the only thing cargo shorts can’t hold?

A conversation

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

I dared my friend into running into a cucumber field holding a bottle of vinegar... my friend tripped and spilled vinegar everywhere. Shortly afterwards, a farmer came to check on the commotion and began scolding my friend...

Guess my friend got himself in a bit of a
Pickle.

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It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

I met a bunch of cannibals online and we got along so well we decided to hold a get-together

The first few days were great but then we just got fed up with each other

I keep seeing guys holding signs that say, “Homeless Vet.”

Rough times for pet doctors, eh?

A magician is on a cruise ship, accompanied by his pet parrot.

Every day, the magician holds a magic show for the patrons on the cruise. The parrot sits on his shoulder throughout the act.

Eventually, after days of viewing these acts, the parrot starts to get the tricks behind them all. So as the magician would carry on with his show, the parrot would ru...

Husband was standing on the scale, holding his stomach in.

Wife - I don't think that is going to help.
Man - Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?

Why did Atlas stop holding up the sky?

Flat earth believers convinced him that it would remain, but he got carried away.

Why can't dementors hold down long-term relationships?

They never get past the first kiss.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

Why did the skeleton get in a bar fight?

Because he couldn’t hold his liquor.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

Four rabbis are arguing:

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it star...

I can't hold in any of these spoilers any longer...

...Snape kills Dumbledore. The Titanic sinks. Brazil lost to Germany.

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

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Old Joe

A cowboy walks into a saloon looking for a good time.

"You got any women around here?" He asks.

"Nope," the bartender replies, "But we've got Old Joe in the back." He motions to a donkey outside.

The cowboy shakes his head and scoffs, "I ain't into that shit." He drinks his whis...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

At what time of year does F=-kx not hold?

Spring Break.

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

An Iguana can hold it's breathe for up to 28 minutes

or longer if you don't mind it dying.

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The man and the camel (NSFW)

A man travels with his camel through a big desert. After days of traveling he gets really horny and decides to fuck the camel. As he approaches the camel, the camel turns his head towards the man and gives him a sad face. The man pities the camel and decides to continue the journey. After days of tr...

I was walking through the jungle when I noticed a monkey holding a can opener

"You can't open a banana with a can opener"
I said
"I know" he replied,
"this is for the custard"

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If I’m holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

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Old Man and Old Woman in a Nursing home

An old man and an old woman live in a nursing home. Their spouses have died and they're lonely. After meeting each other, they begin dating. Because they're so old, they can't engage in sex anymore, but they like to just lie in bed, while the old woman holds the old man's penis.

This goes on ...

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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's ob...

Never trust a math teacher holding graph paper.

They are always plotting something.

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