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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

Why can’t miss piggy hold down a relationship?

Because she’s afraid of kermit-ment

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

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Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework.

Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor.

I’m like yeah sure what?

He asks me to dri...

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

"Five beers, please," he says.

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears.

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What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

If I hold sodium in my hand...

Do I have Napalm?

Why shouldn't you let Elsa hold a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

Whenever people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive in that situation.

Almost died watching Aquaman..

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

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A town holds a poetry competition every year

The participants are given a word for that year and everybody must make up a poem on the spot using that word. The competition has dwindled down to only two contestants. For the final round, the two finalists must make up a poem using the word "Timbuktu."

The first guy goes to the podium and...

My best friend told me that i hold grudges too much.

I never spoke to him again.

A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

New York City tried to hold a nice New Year's Eve party.

But they dropped the ball.

Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

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A soldier holds 3 hostages during war

He says he will set all the non-conformists free and shoots the others. So, he begin giving his questions to the 3 men.

Soldier: "Are you a Muslim?"

1st man: "No, I eat pork and have gay sex."

The soldier sets him free and gives him bacon to eat. Proceeding to the second man, th...

How does an orthodontist hold on to a lawyer?

He makes him a retainer

What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster

A zipper

A priests asks the convicted murderer

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

A family holds a reunion and decides to run a lemonade stand.

The mother was an architect, the father was a computer scientist, the son was a business owner, and the daughter was a prostitute. The family held a reunion and decided that a great bonding exercise would be to run a lemonade stand.

The family split tasks when designing the lemonade stand. Th...

My town is holding their annual incest competition...

...I entered my sister.

Customer service put me on hold, but there was a good orchestra playing.

It was classy-call music.

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"

"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team?

It's a Thai

I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water

Well, dam!

Is it okay to repeatedly tap the gas pedal instead of hold it down?

I ask because I didn't want to leave it depressed.

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

I’ve always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation

Finding Nemo was a tough one

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.

This one is round and red."  Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl.  "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.  The next one is oval shaped and green."  The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."  No, it's a guana, but i...

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

But she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Wel...

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Cheating Wives

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.


The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"


The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"<...

Why did Demi Lovato hold Wonder Woman captive?

Because she was a heroine addict

I hold prejudices against people with certain blod types.

edit: Blood*. Damnit. I hate type-Os.

I grew up on McDonalds, and it still holds a special place in my heart.

I’ve even got plaque dedicated to it.

Why does Mexico never hold the olympics?

Everyone that can run, jump, and swim are already out of the country.

In America, we hold staring contests.

In Asia, they squint.

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

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Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Where do Peeping Toms with foot fetishes hold their annual conference?

Topeka, KS

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

Why do gangsters hold their guns sideways?

Because that's the way it came in the box.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did Michael Jackson hold that baby over the balcony?

...He didn’t want to drip any cum on the carpet

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up the...

What do you say to a guy trying to hold open a revolving door?

Nothing. It'll hit him eventually.

My boyfriend is such a doofus. He tried to hold the door for me.

"What's wrong with that?"
"It was a revolving door."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hold a dollar bill between your chin and your chest. Ask someone if they know who you are.

When they ask who, answer "Christopher Reeve at a titty bar!"

Worst way to hold a baby?

Hostage.

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to...

What's the one currency superman can't hold?

Kryptocurrency.

How does our solar system hold its pants up?

With an asteroid belt.

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

Hold the door for a clown

It's a nice jester

I tell people to hold their horses before jumping to conclusions.

I just want them to have stable lives.

It took me 25 years to find out that when someone asks you to "hold your horses"...

they're asking you to be stable.

Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?

Geri can.