Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

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We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says

"Five beers please"

Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

I met a bunch of cannibals online and we got along so well we decided to hold a get-together

The first few days were great but then we just got fed up with each other

Women really hold grudges.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

At what time of year does F=-kx not hold?

Spring Break.

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

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Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

Why can't dementors hold down long-term relationships?

They never get past the first kiss.

I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

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A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to it, the boar starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the same thing happens again and again - no matter wh...

An Iguana can hold it's breathe for up to 28 minutes

or longer if you don't mind it dying.

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God holds a competition to go to heaven.....

God holds a competition to go to heaven where you have to climb 100 steps and you reach heaven but if you fail you go to hell. Three guys decide hey want to try it out so they start climbing.

after 25 steps god shows up and tells one of the guys a joke, he bursts out laughing and goes to hell...

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

I can't hold in any of these spoilers any longer...

...Snape kills Dumbledore. The Titanic sinks. Brazil lost to Germany.

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For his birthday a man decides to hold a costume party

To put a twist on things, he declares in his invitations that the theme of the party will be feelings and emotions.

On the night in question, the host is putting the final touches on the decorations when the doorbell chimes.

The host opens the door to his first guest, a man with his fa...

My neighbour holds the world record for most concussions...

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Why can’t miss piggy hold down a relationship?

Because she’s afraid of kermit-ment

If I hold sodium in my hand...

Do I have Napalm?

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears.

Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever. The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.

At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop i...

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

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What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

Why shouldn't you let Elsa hold a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go

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Some people think of fanny packs as being a useful tool to hold your belongings,

I personally think they’re just waisted space.

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

Whenever people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive in that situation.

Almost died watching Aquaman..

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

My best friend told me that i hold grudges too much.

I never spoke to him again.

How does an orthodontist hold on to a lawyer?

He makes him a retainer

New York City tried to hold a nice New Year's Eve party.

But they dropped the ball.

Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"

"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

My town is holding their annual incest competition...

...I entered my sister.

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water

Well, dam!

Do you know who holds the world record for time spent in a cave?

It turns out it's actually a Thai

A priests asks the convicted murderer

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

I’ve always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation

Finding Nemo was a tough one

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

Why did Demi Lovato hold Wonder Woman captive?

Because she was a heroine addict

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

But she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!!”

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English la...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I hold prejudices against people with certain blod types.

edit: Blood*. Damnit. I hate type-Os.

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Wel...

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Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

In 1972, American singer/songwriter, Bill Withers, originally wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan. In the musical, Hook has become very discouraged by his lack of success in defeating Peter and the Lost Boys, so his right hand man sings to him and offers a shoulder to hold on to...

Lean on Smee.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Why does Mexico never hold the olympics?

Everyone that can run, jump, and swim are already out of the country.

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