This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have just written the ultimate guide to masturbation.

It's a hands-on guide.

Guide to being worshipped:

Step 1: Be born

Step 2: Hide in a cave for 3 days

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

A blind man is walking the busy streets of the city with the help of his guide dog...

He senses himself coming closer to a busy street with cars driving left and right beeping at each other and driving fast. The dog, urges the man to walk despite the obvious sounds of ongoing traffic. He pulls his dog back, the dog walks harder urging him to walk but the man pulls him back again even...

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Hey, I just found some old 1980's copies of the TV Guide!

Or as they are now known - the sex offenders registry

A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.

Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date."


"Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

I’ve read “ An Idiot's Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm ...

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The Safari Guide

There once was a safari guide in Africa, and one day he was leading a tour through the grasslands when he encounters an elephant standing on three legs. He watches this elephant for a minute and it doesn't move. He decides to investigate. Leaving his tour behind he approaches the animal slowly, as t...

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down the stairs.

Step 20

Step 19

Step 18

Step 15

Step 12

Step 9

Step 4

Step 1

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't blind people clean up their guide dogs' poop? .

Because they can't see shit

I went for a guide through a factory once, but was not amused...

It was a dissatisfactory.

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

(NSFW) So me and my native american guide were out buffalo hunting

I figured I would take him since his people are rather well known for living off the buffalo before they went relativly extinct. So while we were out in the field I just followed him and let him lead the way. Eventually he said he thought he had begun to find a trail but we later lost it.

So...

Three women go hunting

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette go hunting with a guide.

The brunette goes first. The guide tells her "find the tracks, follow tracks, shoot the deer." She comes back 2 hours later dragging a deer.

Next goes the redhead. The guide tells her "find the tracks, follow tracks, sho...

A Blind Man And His Guide Dog Walks In To A Grocery Store.

He picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head.

One of the employees ask: "Uhm.. Can I help you sir?"

The man replies: "No, I'm just having a look around!"

Mr. Rogers had a 9 step guide to talking to Children. I have 1 Step.

Step 1 - Don't Talk to Children

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

A Plant's Guide to Autoerotic Asphyxiation

By Artichoke

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

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A blonde and her guide returned from an overnight hike

The blonde went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a stiff drink.

"You look frazzled," the bartender said. "Tough time on the hike?"

"TERRIBLE," she said after downing the drink. "The walking was hard, the weather was bad, and my guide almost died!"

"Really? What happened?" <...

My diet guide is nowhere near as helpful as my vegan friend's diet guide.

I think I'll take a leaf out of his book.

Guide: How to fall down the stairs

Step 1

&nbsp;
Step 2

&nbsp;

&nbsp;
&nbsp; &nbsp; Step 6, 7, 8, 11

Guide to trapping an elephant.

Start by digging a hole about 10 meters deep, and 5 meters in diameter.

Then, light a fire down in the center of the pit, a really big fire. Let the fire burn down to just the ashes, and leave it.

Place a pea 1 inch apart from one another, around the entire hole.

So, when the el...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction

Go fuck yourself

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LONG Priest is out fishing with a guide...

Priest is out fishing with a guide when the priest pulls in a huge fish. The guide lets out a loud "Sonnabitch!". The priest looks at the guide and says he appreciates the guide's excitement, if not his language.

The guide recovers quickly, and replies, "Oh no Father. That is the name of that...

A buffalo hunter and a Native American guide

One day when they were hunting the guide stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo come"

The hunter asked "How can you tell"

The guide replied "Ear sticky"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horny American man gets sent to the desert for a job

The desert has a total population of 50 people. After a couple months of his "dry-spell", the man seeks to find out if there's a way to "get the job done" somewhere in the desert.

He asks the locals around and they guide him to the "PIMP with the Camel". He immediately runs up to the PIMP and...

A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption

If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour. You can halve your cake and eat at 2.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man encounters his first BBC

A white guy arrives in Jamaica and needs to take a whizz. He runs into a Jamaican tour guide and asks where the closest bathroom is, and the guide says “Hail up! I’m headin’ me way dare now, com wid mih.”

The man follows the guide to the bathroom stalls and they both unzip. Looking over for a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some day I will write a guidebook:

"suicide for dummies", just because I fucking love redundancy

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming...

I'm getting ny first book published

I'm an ex stunt man getting my first book published about the best way to fall down stairs

It's a step-by-step guide

A hunter and his guide.

After a all day spent walking, a hunter and his guide finally reached the mountain top. By night, around the camp fire, the two talk to each other:
- You now Mike, yo're a great guide and I feel that I can trust you, but I wonder: if I was caught in some accident of fallen ill, how would you do t...

The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster

1.
Don't follow this guide.

American female journalist in Afghanistan

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.

She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later...

A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates.

To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.

&#x200B;

The lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so specia...

I ordered a book on the internet called "A beginner's guide to Origami".

When it arrived it was a scrunched up piece of paper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A simple guide on how politics works

Fuck you

I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago

I Haven't received it yet..

The joke about the museum guide

Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"

Guide: "70,000,006 years."

Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?"

Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."


💀🎷💀🎷

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A step-by-step guide of how to tell if your girlfriend is cold:

1) She won't stop fucking telling you.

When someone asks if anyone has recommended Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to me

Reddit already.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters.

A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favorites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto. As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd. Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the d...

40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus

The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

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I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a guide dog piss on his owners leg...

To my disbelief the blind old guy reached into his pocket and got out a treat for the dog and fed it to him. I went over and said ''Hey, your dog just pissed on your leg you know, how come you're giving him treats?''

He said ''I'm trying to see which end his mouth is 'cause he's getting a kic...

If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.

With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.

The "Age" of Dinosaurs

A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"

The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes into the grocery store...

She grabs a basket, and fills it with her shopping - a single portion dinner, a bottle of diet soda, a TV Guide, etc. She gets up to the register and puts her items on the conveyor. The young man at the register looks at the woman, looks at her purchases, then looks back at her and says, "Wow...you ...

I just finished 'To Kill A Mockingbird'.

1/10 Worst guide ever.

A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park!

1) Park somewhere else.

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

The Drums

The paleontologist Ben and his translator arrive on the remote island.

&#x200B;

So the guide arrives. Ben says "Ask him about those drums?"

&#x200B;

The translator says something; the guide says something.

"He says 'Drums are good. If the drums stop, th...

I work as a guide at a zoo. What's your favourite animal joke?

I give tours at a zoo. Each tour goes for a couple of hours so it is good to engage the guests and make the tour a bit more fun. What is your favourite animal joke I can use at work?

(Dirty) The cavalry were riding through the plains with their Native American guide.

The Indian gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up at the captain and says " Buffalo come " . The captain is astounded and asks " Can you really hear buffalo from here? The Indian replies "NO, side of face all sticky!"

A guide and a tourist are sailing past the coast...

They sail past a few sights and the guide gives some backstory on these.

Eventually they sail past a man and a woman making a ruckus in the bushes. The guide is embarrassed and says: "These people are just cycling."

The tourist grabs an oar and throws it at the guy's head.

The g...

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

&#x200B;

They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"

&#x200B;

The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

I got sacked as a tour guide in Vatican City.

As I was talking about the pope, we turned a corner and I said, "Ah, speak of the devil".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Moshe is looking to go on holiday by himself...

He decides to go to Prague and sees a brochure for a tour of the Bohemian Forest. He arrives and gets his own personal tour guide. As they are hiking through the forest, they come across two large black bears. The guide tells him to be quiet and not move and the bears should be on their way. Mos...

How to get laid. A guide.

Steps:

1. Lay on Bed

2. Wait 2 hours

3. Lay becomes past tense.

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."


"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."


"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"


"The usual? You know...

I worked as a zip line tour guide.

It had its ups and downs, but it was a great way to get my career off the ground.

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night.

In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VER...

Tour guide

A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.

When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"

Another guy from the tou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A field guide to corpses

there was a professor at a school that taught morticians how to do their thing during an autopsy. The professor had a pretty slack bunch of students this time and decided to give them a test while they were around the corpse they had to practice on. he told them that to tell in the field how long a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple visits Jamaica for the first time...

A couple visits Jamaica for the first time and decided it would be best to see the country with a tour guide who can show them the best parts.

On the tour, the husband and guide take a quick stop at a local rest station so they can go to the bathroom and relieve themselves. With curiosity get...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So an American businessman and a Jamaican travel guide both walk into a bathroom...

An American businessman and a Jamaican travel guide both walk into a bathroom. They step up to the urinals next to each other and undo their trousers. The Jamaican man happens to glance over to his side while going about his business and catches a glimpse of the American man's member. He notices a f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guide to spirituality.

Religious Views of Life

Taoism - Shit happens

Confucianism - Confucious says, shit happens.

Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism - This shit happened before.

Islam - If shit happens, it is the ...

There is no ghost

While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
“And how long have you worked h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:

UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:
If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker follows you...it's a black bear.

If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker shakes you out...it's a brown bear.

If you're runni...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is on a private safari in the middle of the desert.

It is just him and a guide. They’re speeding along in a car, looking out for wild animals. Suddenly, the man desperately needs to pee, and so they stop at an oasis for him to relieve himself.

As he’s peeing, he is distracted by a herd of beasts in the distance, As he is gazing off to the sid...

Lenin in Warsaw

At an art exhibition in Moscow, there is a picture showing Nadezhda Krupskaya, Lenin's wife, in bed with a young member of the Komsomol. The title of the picture is "Lenin in Warsaw." A bewildered visi- tor asks a guide: "But where is Lenin?" The guide replies quietly and with dignity: "Lenin i...

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

A blind man walks into a bar...

He makes his way in and grabs his guide dog's lead. Without a moment's hesitation the man hurls the dog into the air and swings it around the room, faster and faster.

"WOAH WOAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" yells the barman.

.... "Just taking a look around" he replies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man travels thousands of miles to seek the wisdom of a famous, old yogi...

The man flies to the remote little country where the yogi lives isolated in the mountains

He lands at the airport and takes a bus as far as it will take him, to a little town at the base of the mountains.

He rents a pack animal to take him as far as the animal will go up the mountain, ...

An Englishman, Irish man and Scots man are trapped in a desert

The 3 are trapped in a massive desert, when they find a magic Genie. The Genie can grant each a wish to help them with their journey home

English man asks "I want a 20 litre bottle of water for each of us to carry on our way"

Scots man asks "I want a map and compass to guide us on our...

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

Two sclerotic grannies are coming back from the cinema.

They encounter a grandson of one of them, who asks:
- "Hi grandma, what movie did you watch at the cinema?"
The old lady tries to remember the word she wants to say, but has trouble due to her bad memory, so she tries to guide the boy with the hints.
- "Umm... It's that thing that sticks fr...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy dies and goes to heaven...

He’s a little worried because he’s not a religious person, nor has he ever been a religious person. But Peter greets him, smiling. “Welcome! Come on in!”

Confused, the man asks, “Really? But I’m not religious at all.”

Peter grins and shrugs. “That doesn’t matter,” he says. “Overall, yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with a masturbation addiction marries a Catholic young woman.

Because of his wife’s beliefs, he has to hide his constant masturbation from her. He does it pretty well.

On their anniversary, she puts a blindfold on him and tells him not to peek at his surprise. She guides him to sit at their dinner table and is about to remove the blindfold when suddenl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That’s the last time I go to the internet for sex tips...

...I Googled ‘fingering a girl guide’ and got 20 years in prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seat...

A guy goes skydiving for the first time...

... and while he's in the plane he's looking at his fellow jumpers. He's quite surprised when he sees that among them is a blind man, with his guide dog. After a bit of internal debate about minding his own business, curiosity wins out and he decides to just ask.

"Excuse me, but are you blind...

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"

The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.

All the while ...