A group of tourists in Africa where enjoying a guided tour….

A group of tourists in Africa were enjoying a tour of the bush observing the wild life. The guide says to everyone , “Don’t be surprised if you see an elephant wearing sunglasses.”

One of the tourists asks-
“why would an elephant be wearing sunglasses?”

The guide replies- "Well, ...

Step by step guide to falling down stairs

-Step 1

-Step 2

-Step 4

-Step 7

-Step 11

-Hospital

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

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A complete guide on how to pirate:

1) You steal a ship

2) Get a crew

3)Go steal shit from other ships

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.

On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada

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A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed. Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.

Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks. "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep...

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

[old indian joke] while on a tour of Tajmahal, the guide was explaining how Shahjahan built this tomb for his wife due to grief.

My wife asked : would you build me one like this ?

I replied " I already bought vacant land, now it's your turn" .

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nev...

A band visited the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone without a guide.

Everyone suffered from radiation poisoning, except the lead guitarist.

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The five secrets to happiness (a Man’s guide):

1. Find a woman who can make you laugh

2. Find a woman who can cook

3. Find a woman who really listens to you

4. Find a woman who is good in bed

5. Make sure these four women do not find out about each other

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

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Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath

and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the o...

Guide on how to be cool:

A) Use sunglasses emojis
B)

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

An experienced mountain guide leads a tourist from the big town trough a narrow cliff.

The tourist annoys the guide with dozends of questions. The guide swallows his pride and paitiently answers all the questions the tourist has. Finally they reach a spot the guide has the tourist on suspense on a long rope.

"Oh it´s deep here" the tourist says.

"Yep, always was" the gui...

A man dies and goes to hell where he finds himself in the middle of a tour.

The tour guide walks them to a room of people covered in scorpions and says- “Here is where all of the Catholics go.” He then takes them to a room where all of the people are burning alive- “This is where all of the baptists go.” He then walks the group into a beautiful valley where children are run...

A group of Americans were touring Ireland

One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your day...

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A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

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Was browsing the channel guide and stumbled upon a show called POV Shorts on PBS

I had to put my dick away when I realized POV isn’t just a porn category

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

I asked the lady at the bookstore for a guide to Turtles.

She said ‘hardback?’, I said ‘Yeah, and like, little heads’

I was going down on my girlfriend

She kept trying to guide me to the right spot.

"A little to the left, no, right a bit, go down, up a little.."

I stopped what I was doing and said, "Just tell me what you want, I'm tired of eating around the bush!"

A man climbs Mount Everest.

He manages to reach the top, looks out at the amazing view, and promptly bursts into tears.

"Sir, what is wrong?" His guide asks.

The man struggles to get himself under control. "I- I just- I just realized..."

"My entire life will be all downhill from here."

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This was a joke that I was told last year by my tour guide in Berlin about Cold War-era Russia.

Every morning, General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev would go out onto his balcony and stretch. He would look up at the sun, rising in the East and go, “Good morning, Sun. It is a beautiful day outside.”

The sun would reply, “Good morning, General Secretary! Thank you for admiring my work!”
...

What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?

A con-tour map

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

How to walk up the stairs

A STEP by STEP guide

Girl guides

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was
selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting
several homes, she commented on the different styles of
doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound li...

A man goes into a town he's never seen before

He finds someone to give him a tour, but as he's lead around the town, everything is so strange. Finally, the tour guide brings him to a big building. "This is the train station" he says. The man from out of town says "Finally something normal". But when he goes in there's just a bunch of drawers. H...

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

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One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is ...

Here's a step by step guide to becoming a fossil

Step One : Die

Any out-of-work wilderness guides out there with cringeworthy jokes? As a river guide, I always liked:

“This is the only place you can find these particular rocks in the whole world!” and “Look, you can see a planet, right now!”

Guide dogs

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the...

A blind man and his guide dog walk into a bar

The man just stands there for a few seconds, then suddenly, he starts swinging his guide dog around by his leash.
The bartender, shocked, asks the man: “what the hell are you doing with that dog?”
The blind man replied: “I’m just looking around”

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

I was a guide in a city tour for cross eyed people

“If you look to your right, you will see the Eiffel Tower on your left”

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

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A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

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A man asks his guide in Hell, "Why is Hitler neck deep in shit , but Stalin is only waist deep?"

His guide responds, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders"

A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.

"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."

"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."

"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther ...

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Pilots

One day the passengers of a flight were waiting impatiently for takeoff. After a few minutes, they notice two men dressed as pilots with white canes and guide dogs make their way into the cockpit. The mood of the plane shifts dramatically from impatient and anxious to scared and skeptical as the pla...

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Why don't blind people clean up their guide dogs' poop? .

Because they can't see shit

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."

Here is a quick guide to social distancing.

If you can smell my fart, we are not far enough apart.

“A Beginner’s Guide to Boxing”

- By Bob Andweave

I bought a guide on how to not panic buy.

It's so good I got twenty copies just to be sure.

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose...

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to ...

An egoistic tourist goes on a tour of London.

Walking past an enormous building, he boasts "We have buildings 4 times the size of that where I'm from."

The tour guide replies "I'm not surprised. That's a lunatic asylum."

What do you call a rafting guide without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

A blind man with a guide dog walks down a busy street.

Out of nowhere the dog starts to lead him onto the road and into oncoming traffic. Just before the blind man is hit by a truck, a man pulls him off the road with the dog. After realising what's happened the blind man gives his dog a treat, his rescuer asks
'He's just nearly killed you, what are y...

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A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.

The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and b...

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

Yoda must be the worst car guide ever.

Master Yoda, are we in the right direction?

Off course, we are.

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

Rick Astley’s guide to password management

* Never going to give you out
* Never going to write you down
* Never going to run around and reuse you

A man's guide to love and lasting relationships

1. Get a woman who cares for you and is compassionate.
2. Get a woman that knows how to maintain a home.
3. Get a woman that puts out.
4. Get a woman who will stay faithful to you forever.

And, most importantly:
5. Never let those four women meet each other.

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

Two retired British Indian Army officers sat in the common room of their nursing home waiting for tea when they began reminiscing about their time India.

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several ho...

My cave exploring guide asked me if I'd ever repelled before.

I told him that I've been repelling people for years.

An older man sees a sign saying "Free Shaves! Closest you'll ever get!"

The old man walks into the barber shop and goes to the counter.

"Free shaves eh? And you claim that they are close? All these wrinkles make it impossible for me to get a close one."

The barber smiles and hands him a wooden ball, and guides him over to the barber chair.

"Put ...

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1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction

Go fuck yourself

Went to the Coca-Cola factory last week. At the end of the tour our guide asked if I would like a complimentary beverage

"Sure. I'll have a regular Coke, please."

"Is Pepsi okay?"

Tour guide: And now we are passing by a brothel...

Tourist: But why???

Did you know...

An AGM guided missile has an explosion big enough to wreck several decks on a warship?

Anyways, I got dishonorably discharged from the navy

I hate when people guide me by the testacles.

Drives me nuts.

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LONG Priest is out fishing with a guide...

Priest is out fishing with a guide when the priest pulls in a huge fish. The guide lets out a loud "Sonnabitch!". The priest looks at the guide and says he appreciates the guide's excitement, if not his language.

The guide recovers quickly, and replies, "Oh no Father. That is the name of that...

A Tour Guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. Looking at a T-Rex he says

"This fossil is 23,000,011 years old." One of the members of the group asks out of curiosity, "Wow, how'd they find out such a specific number?" the guide replied "Well, it was 23,000,000 when I started 11 years ago."

*Source: Reader's Digest*

I went for a guide through a factory once, but was not amused...

It was a dissatisfactory.

A guide to waking up in the morning

Step 1: Buy a rooster

Step 2: Name it Russell

Step 3: Fall asleep

Step 4: Wake up to Russell Crowe

(NSFW) So me and my native american guide were out buffalo hunting

I figured I would take him since his people are rather well known for living off the buffalo before they went relativly extinct. So while we were out in the field I just followed him and let him lead the way. Eventually he said he thought he had begun to find a trail but we later lost it.

So...

A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London.

“This mummy here is over 5,000 years old,” the guide told the group. “It’s possible that Moses saw it.”



A tourist raises her hand and asks, “When was Moses ever in London?”

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him.

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night ...

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were being shown separately around an experimental farm

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."

Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."

When the President came by the...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

My diet guide is nowhere near as helpful as my vegan friend's diet guide.

I think I'll take a leaf out of his book.

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

What's the difference between a rafting guide and a mutual fund?

A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making money

A blind man is walking the busy streets of the city with the help of his guide dog...

He senses himself coming closer to a busy street with cars driving left and right beeping at each other and driving fast. The dog, urges the man to walk despite the obvious sounds of ongoing traffic. He pulls his dog back, the dog walks harder urging him to walk but the man pulls him back again even...

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

A Blind Man And His Guide Dog Walks In To A Grocery Store.

He picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head.

One of the employees ask: "Uhm.. Can I help you sir?"

The man replies: "No, I'm just having a look around!"

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An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

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Guide to pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2013 Survival Guide for taking a du...

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

A buffalo hunter and a Native American guide

One day when they were hunting the guide stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo come"

The hunter asked "How can you tell"

The guide replied "Ear sticky"

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Hey, I just found some old 1980's copies of the TV Guide!

Or as they are now known - the sex offenders registry

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

A joke told to me by a tour guide while in Scotland

One night, a Scottish distillery caught fire and burnt all night. One million bottles of Scotch Whiskey were destroyed and gave the fire a bright blue flame.

The next morning a local news station began interviewing the locals in a nearby village about the fire. Everyone they asked agreed tha...

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

The joke about the museum guide

Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"

Guide: "70,000,006 years."

Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?"

Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."


💀🎷💀🎷

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/...

Three guys are walking their dogs and they see a bar

"I could really go for a drink," says the first guy. The two other guys agree, but as they get closer to the bar they see that there are no dogs allowed inside.

"I guess we can't go in, as there is nowhere to tie up our dogs," the second guy says.

"That's where you're wrong," the first...

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A simple guide on how politics works

Fuck you

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago

I Haven't received it yet..

Christopher Museum

I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits.

He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan,

and these boots are made for Walken

A Plant's Guide to Autoerotic Asphyxiation

By Artichoke

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