J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

Anyone know how to lift a house?

My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.

those goddamn stair lifts...

they drive me up the wall every single time

Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box?

Its was too falcon heavy
















I'm sorry

Tonight at 11:59 lift your left leg

So you can enter the new year on the right foot

Make puns in a lift.

It might elevate the mood.

Farting in a lift is wrong...

on so many levels!

What do you get when you put a lift kit on a supra

Suprised


I’ll see myself out.

A man was naked on the beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”

He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.


A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat".


He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".

What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA

This American woman ran up to me and said, "Help, someone robbed me as I was leaving the elevator." I said, "That's not right!"

She said, "I know, right? What shall I do?"

I said, "Start calling it a lift like normal people do."

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A little Lift home

I saw my midget neighbour on my way home today .

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.

“Fuck off" he shouted back.

“What an ungrateful little shit” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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Did you hear about the urologist who got rich doing scrotal lifts for aging men?

He decided to go for the low hanging fruit

My grandfather seems really annoyed for having to use the stair lift to go upstairs.

He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall over.

Look at my arms, can you tell I dead lift Mon-Fri?

Unless it's a public holiday, the morgue is shut then.

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I’m tired of people assuming I lift weights because I’m insecure

It’s just coincidental that my dick is small!

So you think my lift company is corrupt?

Well, I'm taking you down!

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.

As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47...

I think this lift building company is corrupt...

...and I believe it goes all the way to the top.

Strong People Don't Put Others Down, They Lift Them Up

...Just like Darth Vader.

The doctor said I can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

What do you call a clam that lifts?

A hoyster

Today I found my first grey pubic hair.

I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

I offered to give my daughter a lift to school.

"Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."

I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight."

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

I'm pretty envious of the lift installer...

His job is literally getting high.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

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A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want ...

I wish Kanye's new song Lift Yourself would have come out 35 years ago

It wouldn't have taken me so long to get potty trained.

What did the Bra say to the Hat?

You go on ahead, I'll give these 2 a lift.

My sister told me about a christian motivational group that came to her school. She said they were super strong but didn't lift weights.

So I figured they must do crossfit.

Two nuns.....

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a ha...

Why do I only lift at the weekend?

Because Monday to Friday are weak days

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’

I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

What's black and white and can't turn round in a lift?

A nun with a javelin in her head.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

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Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt.

Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks.

Why doesn’t the Math professor use the lift?

He wants to prove all floors exist and are real.

Guy running the ski-lift said it would be $50 to get to the top of the mountain...

I said "that's a bit steep."

He said "exactly."

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

Donald Trump never lifts trucks

He doesn't believe in fake mews

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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How do you call a lift in France ?

You push the button.
What did you expect ? Ascenseur ?

What bird can lift the most?

A crane

A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.

He chose the ladder.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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A woman was standing in a crowded lift

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying...

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg....

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

Going up in a lift

on campus l read on one wall ,'Look on the opposite wall for lift-tennis!' Curiosity compelled me to do that, and l read,'Look on the opposite wall for lift-tennis! '

People say girls like men with 6 packs, ripped and able to lift them up.

Well I have more than 6 packs of rubbish, ripped jeans and can lift bags full of trash across the street without sweat.

Call me up.

Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?

Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

"Lift those weights, see if I care."

Said the impersonal trainer.

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Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."

Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.

Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.
After a while the man asked.
Man: "So what's your name?"
Vin: "Cin Diesel"
Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"
Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel"
Man: "But why?"
Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v"

So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift.

Well, he was obviously coming down with something.

I'm scared of lifts

Guess I have to take steps to avoid them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
Th...

A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift.

It was an uphill battle.

I picked up a hitchhiker and he was surprised

He asked me, "Dude, why did you give me a lift? What if I was a serial killer?"

I laughed and replied, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

If Oskar Schindler was your Uber fare...

...you'd be Schindler's Lift

There is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day...

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body.

He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

...

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My Italian grandmother just got a stair chair lift, I asked her how she likes it... she said ...

"IT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL"

I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...

... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls dow...

What do catholic body builders lift?

Their guilt.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

An old man is at a nude beach

He is sunbathing naked. For civilty he kept a hat over his genitals. Later a woman was walking up to the man and with a smile,said "if you were a gentleman you would take off the hat." The old man replies. "If you weren't so ugly. It would lift its self.

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the...

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You are moving cross country. FedEx agrees to fly all your belongings over. During the flight the plane is unable to maintain lift.

The pilot asks you to lose some baggage. What do you lose ?

The fridge.

Why ?

Cause it's heavy. Why is the fridge heavy ?

Cause it has a fucking giraffe in it.

As a girl who lifts weights at the gym...

I experience a lot of flexual tension

A Roman enters a bar

He lifts two fingers and says "five beers please"