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Lift Jokes

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

I offered my elderly neighbour 20 bucks to give me a ride on her stair lift.

I think she's gonna take me up on it..

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

I can't lift a ton of chicken soup but I can lift a ton of pho.

Because a pho ton is light.

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

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What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

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A tall, attractive blonde woman walks into a lift

and next to her is a dwarf. After a few seconds, the dwarf turns to her and says: "Hey, can I smell your pussy?". The woman screams back: " No, you can't! You little pervert!". And the dwarf replies: "Oh, right. It must be your feet, then".

After a grueling 12 hour shift I felt my mood lift as I walked in on my girlfriend wearing nothing but her skimpiest undies and a smile.

My smile soon faded as she yelled at me, saying I'd "stretch the material" and that I should "buy my own".

What do you call an astronaut that lifts weights?

Neil Armstrong

A strongman tries to lift a heavy bar and succeeds...

Everyone is absolutely astonished. "How strong are you!?" asks the bartender inside.

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Two blondes are in a lift together

Two blondes are in a lift together.
"Hey, there's some semen stuck to your face.", says one of them, poining at her own left cheek.
"What? Really?", the other blonde exclaims and touches her right cheek in shock.

"No, on the other side!", replies her friend.

"Oh, thank you!", say...

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

My new venture in Russia for renting heavy machinery used to lift materials was not very successful.

U-Crane

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

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An old man was relaxing at a nude beach with his hat over his crotch…

A young lady passing by whistled at him and said, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift that hat!”

Old man: If you were pretty, it would lift itself!

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?

Because if it lifted up two, it would fall over

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

At the last supper Jesus lifted the bread and spoke, "This is my body."

He then lifted the wine and said, "This is my blood."

He lifted a jar of mayo...

Peter: "Okay, that's enough!"

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What do you do after getting a Brazilian Butt Lift?

Work your ass off to pay your ass off.

A man enters a pet shop

He spots a parrot with a higher than normal price tag.

"Why is this bird so expensive?" he asked the shop owner

"Oh well, it's a very special parrot you see" the owner replied "if you lift its right leg, it will sing a you hymn. And if you lift its left leg, it will recite a psalm"
...

My friend and I used to make frequent conjugal visits to an all-female prison to help lift their spirits.

And it also gave us some scents of perp-puss.

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

What do you call a man who's so strong he can lift a car?

Jack

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

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Stair Lift

My gran hates her stairlift, she said it drives her up the fucking wall.

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

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A woman was standing in a crowded lift

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying...

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A woman went to her plastic surgeon wanting a face lift....

The doctor showed her how she would look and explained it would be ten thousand dollars.

" Oh, I don't think I can afford that much"

The doctor said there is a less expensive option.
" We install a handle you twist on the top of your head. As you see a wrinkle, you just twist and...

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

The Lift

>A Britisher walks into a NY hotel.

Receptionist: Hello sir, can I help you?

British: Yes, where is the lift?

Receptionist: Oh, do you mean the elevator?

British: The lift.

Receptionist: Sir it's called elevator, we know cause we invented it.

British: And...

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide up...

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all live in the same apartment block and are in the lift together.

The brunette notices a very questionable and quite fresh semen stain on the wall of the lift.
"Look at that' she said. The redhead looks and says " Is that what I think it is? That's disgusting! Who would do such a thing?"
The blonde goes over to the stain, dabs her finger in it, tastes it and...

Funny how Americans call it an "elevator" instead of a "lift" and...

... my American crush says "Stop messaging me or I'm calling the cops" instead of "I love you".

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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A Japanese tourist had been learning English conversation. However, as soon as he landed at an American airport, he collapsed. A doctor rushed to the scene and lifted the Japanese man up. "How are you?"

The Japanese answered in a hoarse voice.
"I'm fine thank you, and you?

A bucket of zippos is easier to lift than a bucket of bricks

Zippos are lighter

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

Guns N’ Roses got their tour bus lifted

Axl Rose

A mother is on her deathbed...

A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Moth...

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

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What is it called when you lift a port-a-potty on the roof of a 2 story building with a crane?

Taking that shit to the next level.

Yesterday I farted in a lift.

It was wrong on so many levels.

I hate stair lifts

They drive me up the friggin wall

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall over.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells

"This is too much." He decided.

He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

How many Russians can you fit in a lift?

As many as you can Put-In.

Make puns in a lift.

It might elevate the mood.

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

How do you get an ant to lift a cabinet?

You make a cabinet so small that an ant can lift it.

A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says:

"I'll take five beers"

Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box?

Its was too falcon heavy
















I'm sorry

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Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

Anyone know how to lift a house?

My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

What bird can lift the most?

A crane

A blond is returning to US from Brazil lifts her skirt at US inmigration

officer: thank you mam, it looks really nice but I think you got confused between vax and wax

What do you say to an amputee when lifting something heavy

I need an extra pair of hands, do you mind helping me

You know what would really lift my spirits these days?

If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.

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A truck driver stopped and lifted a prostitute

While on the highway, she was giving him a BJ and just when he was going to finish he twitched and accidentaly flipped the truck causing a huge wreckage and his dick falling off and flying away.

On the other side of the road came a car with a dad and his 10 year old daughter. Out of the blue ...

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A man goes to a brothel looking for something different

He goes to the counter and tells the lady “I feel like I’ve tried everything. Regular sex is boring for me. I’ve done 2 girls, 3 girls, 2 guys, 3 guys, toys, watching, everything. I can’t even get it up anymore. Can you help?”

The madame cracks a sly smile and says “go down the hall to room 4...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

I used to love farting in lifts.

Until I discovered saunas.

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A woman goes to her doctor to get her third face lift.

The doctor says "I would love to help you but I can't recommend getting another one. You have had too many already."
The woman protests and wants to know why she can't get her favorite procedure done again.
"Look" says the doctor. "See that cute dimple on your chin? That's your belly ...

They lifted there blades, in one last final assault...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

I asked my granddad how he is enjoying his new chair lift.

He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”

I try working out by lifting dictionaries...

I've been told that's how you get definition.

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this poi...

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

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#372: A man sees a beautiful woman trying to hitch a lift.

He pulls over, and asks her where she was heading.

She didn't respond vocally, but signalled that she was hard of hearing and to go straight.

Following the road, the guy then comes to a stop at T-junction, which had a lake behind it. Since he didn't know any sign language, he mouthed t...

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

Going up in a lift

on campus l read on one wall ,'Look on the opposite wall for lift-tennis!' Curiosity compelled me to do that, and l read,'Look on the opposite wall for lift-tennis! '

I was going to make a joke about lifting the mask mandate in Texas

but it's too soon.

A guy was driving down the road when he saw a farmer lifting a pig up to a tree to eat apples

Confused, and curious, the guy pulls over to watch as the farmer picked up pig after pig and held them up to the tree to eat an apple.

The man finally decided to speak up and asked the farmer “wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you shook the tree so the apples fell on the ground and the pigs j...

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

Do you even lift?

Or do you Uber?

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

So you think my lift company is corrupt?

Well, I'm taking you down!

The doctor said I can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

I think this lift building company is corrupt...

...and I believe it goes all the way to the top.

Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights...

One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

The other says, "Why's that?"

The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

I offered to give my daughter a lift to school.

"Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."

I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight."

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My doctor told me "No heavy lifting."

Looks like I'll be sitting down to piss for a while.

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My grandfather is really upset at the new stair chair lift he got for his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”

•


The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

As soon as the stay at home order is lifted...

I’m going to turn in all my bottle returns and buy a yacht

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors..

..a conductor notices and says "Sorry sir, this train doesn't stop at the next station on a Sunday night." Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says "It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like."

So as the train slows down th...

Why do I only lift at the weekend?

Because Monday to Friday are weak days

"Lift those weights, see if I care."

Said the impersonal trainer.

Strong People Don't Put Others Down, They Lift Them Up

...Just like Darth Vader.

What do catholic body builders lift?

Their guilt.

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Do you even lift?

Somebody once asked my pop if he exercised in the mornings. He said, "Oh you'd better believe it! I lift and run every morning!"

"Yep, I lift my ass out of bed and run to the bathroom!"

Donald Trump never lifts trucks

He doesn't believe in fake mews

I’ve spent a month lifting and I still haven’t gotten stronger

I guess it’s not working out

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A nun was hitchhiking and the truck driver decided to give her a lift

Nun kept saying how grateful she was and if there's anything she could do in return. The trucker was a bit shy at first, but finally admitted:

- "Well, you know how lonely these roads can get, and we truckers really like to make some love on the way. And to be honest, I've never had sex with ...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?

Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.

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