UPJOKE
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Admit Jokes

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

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In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films

But only for the crying parts
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.
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A man to a psychiatrist: "How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?"

The psychiatrist replies: "We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a
bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub."

The man smiles: "Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket."

The Psychiatrist replies: "No, a sane guy pulls the ...
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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!
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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
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Justin Timberlake admitted to being dyslexic.

Take a moment to let that N'Sync
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My boyfriend admitted to me that he's a dom

I always pegged him as a sub.
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A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"

When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, de...
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My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that
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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...
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I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.
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A woman was admitted to the hospital.....

for heart surgery. At this time, the Grim Reaper came and stood beside her. The lady said, "Am I going to die today? " Reaper said, "No. You'll live for another 30 years. "

The lady thought, "If I only live another 30 years, I may as well live lavishly. She got her teeth fixed, her hair trans...
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How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

A picture of Dave Chappelle's character Tyrone Biggums from the TV show 'Chappelle's Show' asking for more of something.
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Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.
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A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.
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Our friend just admitted to us that he’s a masochist;

The confession was painful, but..he seemed to enjoy it.
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Time to finally admit that I am a pushover…

At least that’s what my wife’s boyfriend keeps telling me.
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John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?
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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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An American, a Chinese and a Dane is bragging

The American starts: “We have the biggest Air force in the world. When all our planes takes off, there’s so many planes that not even a single sunbeam reaches the ground.”

The Chinese replies: “Well, but China has SO many ships! If all of our fleet sets sails at once, the ships would fill so ...

Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?”

“A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.”
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I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials
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A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...
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My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp,

I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever again.
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They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in *da nile.*
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An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough
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A man is about to walk into a bar, when a num holding a sign that reads "alcohol is evil" stops him.

The nun tells him about the evils of alcohol, "alcohol is evil! Alcohol is the devils tool!

Then, the nun says something that really effected the man. "What would your parents think!" The man explains how both his parents have passed away, and how he's not sure what they would think.

T...

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...
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We cannot allow this year to end

That would be admitting that 2021
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Ok, I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.

I’ve got nothing to hide.
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It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
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My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.
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Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.
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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love...

They all live in de-Nile
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.
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I'll admit it, I'm a white Redditor who has no black friends.

Come to think of it, I don't have any friends.
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what do you call it when a woman finally admits she was wrong?

Men applause
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I'll be the first to admit I don't eat enough vegetables.

I just can't be arsed getting rid of the wheelchairs.

Which vegetable does everyone hate whether they admit it or not?

Kim Jong-un
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How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...
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A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.
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A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...
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Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...
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After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.
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I have trouble admitting my mistakes

It's not my fault.
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A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."

"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"

With his last breath the husband replies "I do"
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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

What do you call it when you are clearly in the right, but have to admit you were wrong?

A man in a relationship.
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Cleopatra fell out of her boat but wouldn’t admit she was wet.

She was in denial.
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Who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?

Darth Vader
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So there was a stork carrying an old man..

..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
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For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.
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Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions.

If you don't get it and wonder where the punchline is, it's you.
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I finally admit that I have a problem and I decide to see a therapist

Therapist: what brings you in today?

Me: I find myself very anxious in social situations

Therapist: please explain

Me: right now all my friends are obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and they always play “I want it that way”

Therapist: and this bothers you?

Me: I ha...

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

What happens when North becomes an adult and Kim finally admits to Kanye that North was never really his ?

“18 years, 18 years!”
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I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.
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A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...
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I must admit, my arch-nemesis did a good job impersonating me...

...Indeed, he was a worthy faux.
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Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke

How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?

Chimney Height * Strength of wind
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My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers.

I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope.
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What happened to the porn star who was admitted into the emergency room?

He went into stepsis.

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She won't admit it, but I'm sure my wife's favorite sex position is "trick-dog style."

It's where I sit up and beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.

People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions
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I absolutely hate to admit this, but I actually agree with Kavanaugh on this.

“I drank beer with my friends. Almost everyone did. Sometimes I had too many beers. Sometimes others did. I liked beer. I still like beer.”
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A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.
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A little joke from my family's dinner table.

My family was talking a few weeks ago, and somehow I brought up the fact that every state in New England has a town or city in it called "Warren". I said that there's a Warren, Vermont, a Warren, Maine, a Warren, Rhode Island.

And my brother chimed in "There's also a Warren Ukraine!"

...
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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian.

So I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine
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I'll admit I didn't appreciate the direction NFS 2015 was heading towards.

when they headed to the city there was a lot of traffic
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The egyptian man wouldnt admit he'd fallen in a river

I guess he was in de Nile
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One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**
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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...
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I do have to admit that r/jokes is an incredible ecological feat.

Because of the recycling we are never going to run out of anything
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Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong?

They're always in de Nile.
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People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time...

but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking.
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I will admit that I was confused and a little troubled when that they changed the name for "Anime"...

But I must say that dispite the name change "Hentai" sure does get the job done.
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“Yes, I admit it, I wore blackface a few times. But cut me some slack.”

“I was going through a dark period in my life”
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My friend admitted to steroid use.

It takes a big man to do that.
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BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake.

After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.
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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...
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Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

John Cena is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after losing consciousness

After waking up, he asks the doctor "Where am I?"

The doctor responds "The ICU"

John says "No you can't"
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A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...
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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
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I'll admit it... I'm a horny TV

And i'm turned on by remotes...

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...
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