The 108+ Best Admit Jokes

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

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In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive

It's like 300GB in size

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"

When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, de...

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

My boyfriend admitted to me that he's a dom

I always pegged him as a sub.

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

Justin Timberlake admitted to being dyslexic.

Take a moment to let that N'Sync

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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A beautiful woman sat next to a man on a plane. After some small talk, the woman admitted that she was getting treatment for sex addiction. "I am doing great, my only remaining issue is I can't resist cowboys and Italian men. By the way, I never caught your name."

"My name is Big Tex Marconi, great to meet you."

I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

A picture of Dave Chappelle's character Tyrone Biggums from the TV show 'Chappelle's Show' asking for more of something.

Our friend just admitted to us that he’s a masochist;

The confession was painful, but..he seemed to enjoy it.

Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?”

“A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.”

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.

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John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

A woman was admitted to the hospital.....

for heart surgery. At this time, the Grim Reaper came and stood beside her. The lady said, "Am I going to die today? " Reaper said, "No. You'll live for another 30 years. "

The lady thought, "If I only live another 30 years, I may as well live lavishly. She got her teeth fixed, her hair trans...

Even though I'm a nerd, I don't really embrace the notion of complete and perfect knowledge of canon, but I'll admit I was pretty embarrassed when I lost all credibility in a discussion on Chewbacca when I inadvertently spelled it with a K.

It was a Wookie mistake.

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

Time to finally admit that I am a pushover…

At least that’s what my wife’s boyfriend keeps telling me.

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

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Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

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I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

What do you call it when you are clearly in the right, but have to admit you were wrong?

A man in a relationship.

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

what do you call it when a woman finally admits she was wrong?

Men applause

What happens when North becomes an adult and Kim finally admits to Kanye that North was never really his ?

“18 years, 18 years!”

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp,

I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough

Ok, I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.

I’ve got nothing to hide.

I'll admit it, I'm a white Redditor who has no black friends.

Come to think of it, I don't have any friends.

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love...

They all live in de-Nile

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

Teacher: When George Washington was a child, we hear how honest he was, admitting he cut down the cherry tree. His father immediately forgave him. Do you know why?

Student: Yes, because Washington was still holding the axe.

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

I will admit that I was confused and a little troubled when that they changed the name for "Anime"...

But I must say that dispite the name change "Hentai" sure does get the job done.

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I'll be the first to admit I don't eat enough vegetables.

I just can't be arsed getting rid of the wheelchairs.

They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in *da nile.*

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

Which vegetable does everyone hate whether they admit it or not?

Kim Jong-un

I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

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She won't admit it, but I'm sure my wife's favorite sex position is "trick-dog style."

It's where I sit up and beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.

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I finally admit that I have a problem and I decide to see a therapist

Therapist: what brings you in today?

Me: I find myself very anxious in social situations

Therapist: please explain

Me: right now all my friends are obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and they always play “I want it that way”

Therapist: and this bothers you?

Me: I ha...

Cleopatra fell out of her boat but wouldn’t admit she was wet.

She was in denial.

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

Who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?

Darth Vader

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

I absolutely hate to admit this, but I actually agree with Kavanaugh on this.

“I drank beer with my friends. Almost everyone did. Sometimes I had too many beers. Sometimes others did. I liked beer. I still like beer.”

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

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What happened to the porn star who was admitted into the emergency room?

He went into stepsis.

“Yes, I admit it, I wore blackface a few times. But cut me some slack.”

“I was going through a dark period in my life”

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

My grandpa used to say that what women want is security, and I have to admit he was right.

That’s what they yell for when I start talking to them.

I must admit, my arch-nemesis did a good job impersonating me...

...Indeed, he was a worthy faux.

I do have to admit that r/jokes is an incredible ecological feat.

Because of the recycling we are never going to run out of anything

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions.

If you don't get it and wonder where the punchline is, it's you.

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

A kangaroo broke both of its legs and was admitted to the ICU

The doctors say it has no hop

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Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was admitted to hospital after jamming my cock up my nose? The nurse asked why I did it.

Fuck nose.

I'll admit I didn't appreciate the direction NFS 2015 was heading towards.

when they headed to the city there was a lot of traffic

People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions

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Ok, I admit it! I masturbate with soap...

That’s me coming clean.

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

I cornered my dad “You like dressing like woman, admit it!” He was ashamed and asked how I knew?

He’s too transparent

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke

How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?

Chimney Height * Strength of wind

A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."

"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"

With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

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The hospital report said that a man was admitted to the hospital last night with a Philips head in his rectum.

The tool resulted in internal bleeding and he had to be rushed to the ICU.

Doctors say he screwed himself, so he could screw himself, but he screwed himself.

Had to bury my mother-in-law today and I must admit, it was quite a shocking experience…

I didn’t expect her to scream for as long as she did…

I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive.

She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship.

What did Woody's girlfriend say to him when she admitted to an affair with Buzz?

"You've got a friend in me."

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

I have trouble admitting my mistakes

It's not my fault.

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian.

So I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

John Cena is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after losing consciousness

After waking up, he asks the doctor "Where am I?"

The doctor responds "The ICU"

John says "No you can't"

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An American, a Chinese and a Dane is bragging

The American starts: “We have the biggest Air force in the world. When all our planes takes off, there’s so many planes that not even a single sunbeam reaches the ground.”

The Chinese replies: “Well, but China has SO many ships! If all of our fleet sets sails at once, the ships would fill so ...

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