UPJOKE
quiteverythisyetbutkindsothoughsameoneitratherlittleanotherperhaps

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

There's a topless blonde giving quite a show to cars driving by in my neighborhood...

The garbage company told her to take her cans out by the side of the road on Tuesday mornings.

Today a pretty girl told me I was quite a looker!

Well, voyeur was the exact word she used.

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

I'm quite a normal person, I'm very good friends with twenty five letters of the alphabet..

I don't know why...

I was involved in quite a bad explosion the other day.

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

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Two friends Jack and John, both having piles since quite a time, met for a regular evening walk..

Two friends Jack and John, both having piles (haemorrhoids) since a considerable time, met for a regular evening walk and sat down. Jack said, "Today I met an amazing doctor, he really treated me well and my ass is really soothing today.". John said, " Same here friend, I too met a kind and nice doc...

I recently came into quite a bit of money.

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

I know quite a few terrorist.....

They are all mind blowin people.

Mount Rushmore was quite a sight before it was carved.

It is said that it was unpresidented.

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had tak...

[OC] My kids seem to magically only get sick on school days...and quite a lot of them.

It's like they've got weekend immune systems.

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

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Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women.

he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.


Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day ...

As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process.

Damn, I spoke too soon.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

During my life, I've seen quite a lot of ducks.

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

Air is quite a poor conductor of heat...

But nothing is a really poor conductor of heat.

I have a feeling that quite a few people are getting "probed" over at Area 51 this weekend.

And its not by aliens.

I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

I can see quite a number of these Pi jokes coming from a mile away.

Although I can't seem to catch their ending no matter how I try.

If Albert Finney and Christopher Walken had a kid, he'd have quite a strut.

Cuz he'd be Walken Finney.

Deafness is becoming quite a problem for me

I never thought i would hear myself say that

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Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

This joke has been in my family for quite a while. Translated to the best of my abilities.

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expr...

I've been playing this new game on my phone quite a bit lately

It's called Verizon: Zero Bars.

I made an obesity joke the other day and this woman came up to me afterwards, quite a big boned girl.

She said, "I think you're fatist!"


I said, "No. I think you're fattest."

Had to bury my mother-in-law today and I must admit, it was quite a shocking experience…

I didn’t expect her to scream for as long as she did…

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget

I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

I sometimes miss people I love quite a bit...

But my aim is getting better.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

After the invention of digital watches, the Swiss were in quite a bind...

Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements. Unfortunately, no one sig...

I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day.

On the plus side I made a few bucks.

Two guys are out golfing, an out on the back 9 they see sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. One of the two says "Look, I haven't had a woman in quite a while and that sheep is looking pretty good right now. Just don't say anything about this"

Two guys are out golfing, an out on the back 9 they see sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. One of the two says "Look, I haven't had a woman in quite a while and that sheep is looking pretty good right now. Just don't say anything about this"

So he heads over to the sheep, pulls down hi...

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Our Great Dane has been causing quite a smell around my house.

Whenever he barks I shit myself.

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