Quite A Jokes

The garbage company told her to take her cans out by the side of the road on Tuesday mornings.

Well, voyeur was the exact word she used.

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei... read more

I don't know why...

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi... read more

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

They are all mind blowin people.

It is said that it was unpresidented.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had tak... read more

It's like they've got weekend immune systems.

Idaho.

Damn, I spoke too soon.

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"... read more

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

But nothing is a really poor conductor of heat.

And its not by aliens.

Unlike some others that I know.

Although I can't seem to catch their ending no matter how I try.

Cuz he'd be Walken Finney.

I never thought i would hear myself say that

But then again, I am highly allergic

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expr... read more

It's called Verizon: Zero Bars.

She said, "I think you're fatist!"


I said, "No. I think you're fattest."

I didn’t expect her to scream for as long as she did…

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

But my aim is getting better.

The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements. Unfortunately, no one sig... read more

On the plus side I made a few bucks.

Two guys are out golfing, an out on the back 9 they see sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. One of the two says "Look, I haven't had a woman in quite a while and that sheep is looking pretty good right now. Just don't say anything about this"

So he heads over to the sheep, pulls down hi... read more