This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed and so did he.

There sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jokes and sex are almost the same

I don't get it

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have to brag, I have sex almost every day...

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

I almost got caught stealing a board game today...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

Two friends are drinking beers in a bar. One guy says to his friend,"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife,she hasn't spoken to me in almost two months."

His buddy replies, "Better not be to hasty, women like that are hard to find."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

I almost married the girl of my dreams.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold t...

It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

A recent study has shown that almost 92% of anti-vaxers are republican.

guess that problem solves itself.

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

Almost a Knock-Knock joke

In 1967, Joe Wallace, the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke, was awarded a ...No Bell prize.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!

Just needed two more people!

.

Good^day^for^#369?

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"   "Is this her first child?" asks the operator.   "No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!"

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When i get married,my wife will be almost like an farmer

Eggs for the morning,chicken for the dinner and cock all night

This NEW diet plan will make you almost NEVER hungry

Depression

Side effects: Depression

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When people go underwater in movies I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive that situation

Almost fucking died watching Finding Nemo

I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...

I almost got a tattoo of my life motto the other day.

"Never back out".

I almost never do 9/11 jokes...

Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn.

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

The one joke I avoid telling in a conversation almost always is ones about 9/11

They usually crash and burn

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Almost every hand you have ever shaken...

... has held a dick in it.

My wife and i were very happy for almost 30 years.

then we met.

Disclaimer: Original joke from an almost 5 year old.

What does a fat turkey say?

Wobble Wobble

I almost hit a rabbit...

I had to cross two lanes to get it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

“That’s what she said,” is a really versatile punchline to a joke because you can put it almost anywhere.

That’s what she said.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put ...

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

Almost got fired today for filling out a requisition form in Spanish.

No one expected it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I read a sign today that almost made me piss myself

It was a sign that said "Bathroom closed"

What is almost the coolest root vegetable of them all?

Radish

TIL that candlemakers are almost all the same religion.

Wickan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

Why did the almost blind man fall in the well

Because he couldn’t see that well

An alpaca is allergic to almost all foods...

One day, there was an alpaca who was severely allergic to almost all foods. His friend Koala always invites him out to a lunch at a restaurant after a long and arduous day at the zoo, but because he is allergic to most foods, he cannot eat anything and must watch Koala eat his own food jealously....

I visited the dwarf hospital near where I live today but the doctor got angry with me almost immediately.

I visited the dwarf hospital near where I live today but the doctor got angry with me almost immediately.

I think it's because he has little patients.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

It's so hot outside that I almost called my ex.

So I could be around something shady.

I've got an African American friend who almost always keeps to himself, and very rarely goes out. He's a little mad at me right now, though.

I guess he didn't like it when I greeted him by saying "What's up, my inward?"

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

I would not have believed that even after almost 15 years of the show ending, people would still make “Friends” references.

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

I almost made a new friend today,

Until I found out he only wanted to be my friend so he could bang my sister.

I said, I don't have a sister.

He told me to give it nine months.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I almost had sex with a Hawaiian...

But I ended up prematurely evacuating.

Almost got FIRED

I texted one of my ex-bosses once asking for a funny joke.

He texted back "I am very busy now."

I said "That's hilarious. Give me another one"

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd like to brag that after a full year of marriage I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday!

I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam

Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist

Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.

Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”

If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they were...

„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

You're almost playing with a full deck.

However you're one jack off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I almost got fired last night...

I was at my boss’s house for dinner and his wife asked “how many potatoes do you want?” I said “I’ll have 1 potato” and she said “it’s okay you don’t have to be polite”. I said “Okay, I’ll have 1 potato you stupid bitch”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I filled out an application to become a citizen of Finland and I must've been accepted almost instantly

The last button I had to click said Finish

I know a guy who has dates almost every day

He says they are part of his fruity diet.

I almost failed out of beauty school

But they let me take a make-up exam

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

I almost didn't steal the kitchen utensil

but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Bungalows are almost perfect.

They only have one floor...

In the news there was this young boy who almost drowned, but was dragged out of the water by the balls.

Both the boy and his parents thanked Mr and Mrs Ball very much.

Almost everybody I know, has a secured WiFi but a blank WiFi password.

whenever I click 'Show Password' nothing shows up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a pair of shoes which are almost exactly like anal sex

Painful at first but then pleasantly comfortable once you get into it

I almost walked out on my girlfriend after she called me a forgetful idiot.

It was a shame that I couldn't find my keys

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

This phone conversation with the Haematology lab almost gave me a heart attack.

Me: Hi, can you tell me what my blood report says?

Lab: Sure can, Sir.

"I need help with this crossword," yelled my girlfriend, almost in tears. "9 letters, another word for 'concentration'.

I think she's seeking attention.

I almost witnessed a murder

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

A little girl tells her father that she almost for 100% in her last test...

The father was really proud, and then asked what was the mark she got.

The little girl reply: There's only one Zero missing!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

God has almost finished creation...

GOD: So how many animals do I have left to make?

ANGEL: Two.

GOD: And how many legs do I have left?

ANGEL: One hundred.

CENTIPEDE: Dibs!

SNAKE: You asshole.

It’s almost Lent again

The time when 9 out of 10 Catholics go “Ok, it’s time to pretend I’m fully committed to this whole ‘being Catholic’ thing.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Almost...

The kindergarten teacher is warned about little Johnny’s vulgar mouth. He uses any excuse to say a bad word.

The teacher announces, “Class, today we are going to work on our alphabet. Who can spell a simple word that starts with ‘A’?”

Little Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Oh! Oh! Pick me...

I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse,

when will I get my adult supervision?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Almost got my first blowjob today.

Tomorrow,I'm going to stretch even farther while doing sit-ups.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A caretaker had been working at a church for almost 30 years

One day while the priest was doing confessions, he got a phonecall telling him that his father was dying and he needed to come to his bedside as soon as possible. Not wanting to let down the people needing confessions, he asked the caretaker to fill in. "You've been here long enough to know the dri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple of almost 20 years was lying in bed one evening

When the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just ...

I almost told myself I was going to stop drinking

But I'm not about to start listening to some damn alcoholic.

Almost there

The wife invited her family over for dinner, and about one hour before they are due to arrive she realises that she has forgotten to buy the snails she planned for the entree.

She asks her husband to quickly go to the store and buy some, but warned him to come back straight away.

The h...

It's almost 2018!

My New Year's revolution is to proofread more.

Almost all of my relationships are long distance relationships.

I'm a midget.

I wasn't paying attention and almost drove my car right into the front of a store.

Although it's hard not to when you're driving through a shopping mall.