My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

​

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

​

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jokes and sex are almost the same

I don't get it

It’s almost National Jamaican Hairstyle Day.

Everyone’s dreadin’ it.

Was almost in the club last night but got dragged out by the bouncer.

"Are u 18?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

"Can't let u in then," he replied.

As I walked out I thought to myself, "this is the 3rd club I've been at tonight. What does a 22 year old have to do to get inside?"

My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".

(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

I almost never watch movies my stoner friends tell me to watch

Even though they come highly recommended.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When people go underwater in movies I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive that situation

Almost fucking died watching Finding Nemo

I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

Almost witnessed a murder today!!!

But there was only one crow

I almost got caught stealing a board game today...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have to brag, I have sex almost every day...

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.

Almost got pink eye

Good thing im colorblind

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

Why are almost every joke on this sub eco-friendly?

Including this one, they are all recycled.

It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

I almost married the girl of my dreams.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold t...

A recent study has shown that almost 92% of anti-vaxers are republican.

guess that problem solves itself.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

Two friends are drinking beers in a bar. One guy says to his friend,"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife,she hasn't spoken to me in almost two months."

His buddy replies, "Better not be to hasty, women like that are hard to find."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

Almost a Knock-Knock joke

In 1967, Joe Wallace, the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke, was awarded a ...No Bell prize.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When i get married,my wife will be almost like an farmer

Eggs for the morning,chicken for the dinner and cock all night

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!

Just needed two more people!

.

Good^day^for^#369?

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"   "Is this her first child?" asks the operator.   "No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!"

I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...

This NEW diet plan will make you almost NEVER hungry

Depression

Side effects: Depression

Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

I almost never do 9/11 jokes...

Because when I do they have a tendency to crash and burn.

I almost got a tattoo of my life motto the other day.

"Never back out".

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

I almost hit a rabbit...

I had to cross two lanes to get it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Almost every hand you have ever shaken...

... has held a dick in it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

The one joke I avoid telling in a conversation almost always is ones about 9/11

They usually crash and burn

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

My wife and i were very happy for almost 30 years.

then we met.

Disclaimer: Original joke from an almost 5 year old.

What does a fat turkey say?

Wobble Wobble

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

“That’s what she said,” is a really versatile punchline to a joke because you can put it almost anywhere.

That’s what she said.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put ...

Anti Vaxxers almost give correct medical advice.

They just keep putting the word don't in front of things.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I read a sign today that almost made me piss myself

It was a sign that said "Bathroom closed"

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

Almost got fired today for filling out a requisition form in Spanish.

No one expected it.

What is almost the coolest root vegetable of them all?

Radish

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

Why did the almost blind man fall in the well

Because he couldn’t see that well

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

TIL that candlemakers are almost all the same religion.

Wickan.

My dad beats me almost every day

It's like he's addicted to Mario Kart

An alpaca is allergic to almost all foods...

One day, there was an alpaca who was severely allergic to almost all foods. His friend Koala always invites him out to a lunch at a restaurant after a long and arduous day at the zoo, but because he is allergic to most foods, he cannot eat anything and must watch Koala eat his own food jealously....

Back in school my friends almost convinced me to smoke poison ivy.

Luckily, I didn't do anything rash.

It's so hot outside that I almost called my ex.

So I could be around something shady.

Almost all scientists agree that people get their pants from monkeys and what's even worse

is that they also say that our jeans are responsible for the vast majority of our physical appearance!

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

I've got an African American friend who almost always keeps to himself, and very rarely goes out. He's a little mad at me right now, though.

I guess he didn't like it when I greeted him by saying "What's up, my inward?"

Meanwhile, sorting posts by 'hot' almost looks like sorting them by 'top posts of all time'.

Congrats! I'm sure this means the jokes are getting better and better.

Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

I would not have believed that even after almost 15 years of the show ending, people would still make “Friends” references.

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

Almost got FIRED

I texted one of my ex-bosses once asking for a funny joke.

He texted back "I am very busy now."

I said "That's hilarious. Give me another one"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I almost had sex with a Hawaiian...

But I ended up prematurely evacuating.

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

I visited the dwarf hospital near where I live today but the doctor got angry with me almost immediately.

I visited the dwarf hospital near where I live today but the doctor got angry with me almost immediately.

I think it's because he has little patients.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

I know a guy who has dates almost every day

He says they are part of his fruity diet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd like to brag that after a full year of marriage I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday!

„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I almost got fired last night...

I was at my boss’s house for dinner and his wife asked “how many potatoes do you want?” I said “I’ll have 1 potato” and she said “it’s okay you don’t have to be polite”. I said “Okay, I’ll have 1 potato you stupid bitch”.

Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.

Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”

If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they were...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

I almost fell for the Nigerian Prince Scam

Jokes on them I already know Nigeria doesn't exist

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

God has almost finished creation...

GOD: So how many animals do I have left to make?

ANGEL: Two.

GOD: And how many legs do I have left?

ANGEL: One hundred.

CENTIPEDE: Dibs!

SNAKE: You asshole.

I almost didn't steal the kitchen utensil

but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Bungalows are almost perfect.

They only have one floor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You're almost playing with a full deck.

However you're one jack off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I filled out an application to become a citizen of Finland and I must've been accepted almost instantly

The last button I had to click said Finish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a pair of shoes which are almost exactly like anal sex

Painful at first but then pleasantly comfortable once you get into it

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

I almost failed out of beauty school

But they let me take a make-up exam

In the news there was this young boy who almost drowned, but was dragged out of the water by the balls.

Both the boy and his parents thanked Mr and Mrs Ball very much.

Almost everybody I know, has a secured WiFi but a blank WiFi password.

whenever I click 'Show Password' nothing shows up.

"I need help with this crossword," yelled my girlfriend, almost in tears. "9 letters, another word for 'concentration'.

I think she's seeking attention.

This phone conversation with the Haematology lab almost gave me a heart attack.

Me: Hi, can you tell me what my blood report says?

Lab: Sure can, Sir.

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

I almost walked out on my girlfriend after she called me a forgetful idiot.

It was a shame that I couldn't find my keys

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Almost got my first blowjob today.

Tomorrow,I'm going to stretch even farther while doing sit-ups.

A little girl tells her father that she almost for 100% in her last test...

The father was really proud, and then asked what was the mark she got.

The little girl reply: There's only one Zero missing!

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