What does the secret service say when President Trump almost gets shot?

Donald, duck!

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

he priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poo...

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday.....

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I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra. I quit almost immediately, though...

It was just one fucking ting after another.

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

r/Jokes is almost at 20 million subscribers!

It's amazing what you can accomplish with just ten jokes!

So this a joke I made up one day and my 8 yr old almost died laughing and went in to teach his 2 yr old sister to repeat it as well. It might have been made up before but I swear it came to me on it own. So here goes...

Knock knock


Who’s there?


Dr.


Dr. Who?


Exactly

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head

I nearly dyed

Almost all coins look the same

This must be what we call a coincidence

We almost lost momma!

Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd hav...

NNN is almost over....

A teenager, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

Did you know there were two brothers who almost made a working airplane a few years before the Wright brothers

Guess they were the wrong brothers

What word do people almost always pronounce incorrectly?

Incorrectly

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

I almost had a threesome last night!

I only needed 2 more people.

I *almost* got that...

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “Why are you standing naked in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!”

I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

If you are wondering how Trump got almost half the votes.

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”




Thank you George Carlin's for the punch line

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

It was almost dark, A man and a little girl were walking through woods,

Girl: I'm scared.

Man: Don't be scared, this ain't a dark joke.

I almost got mugged today

Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

Took a chance and it almost worked

Our science teacher loves creating multiple choice tests and odds are pretty good with the "just answer C" method.

We were discussing that amongst my friends when the popular girls a table over asked if it was true. We confirmed and showed our last graded tests where we "guessed" a few answe...

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I was almost late for work because I was masturbating

But I came on time

Almost done watching that Netflix special on Epstein.

I hope it doesn’t leave me hanging.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

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An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

Whoops, almost forgot to bring my llamas

Alpaca pair

I read an article about doctors taking almost a week to remove food lodged in a man’s throat.

“Dad chokes for days”

Why "almost milk" is called "almond milk"?..........

because nobody can keep a straight face while saying "nut juice".

I almost struck 'x=1' with my fist, but didn't.

Sorry, no punchline.

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[TIL] Almost 99% of the world do not have 20/20 vision.

Cause we obviously didnt see this fucking year coming.

Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"

Dad: "Keep mum."

Have you heard of the new 18 wheelers that can drive themselves for almost the whole trip?

They're semi-automatic!

I’ve been off my OCD meds for more almost a year now

(Or 11 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 7 minutes to be exact)

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Charles, the CEO of a large company, notices that one of his offices is staffed almost exclusively by women

Now Charles would like you know that he's not sexist; he loves women. Absolutely adores them. Respects the hell out of them too. However he is concerned that without a man to keep them focused the office's productivity will drop.

So he goes to the manager of this particular office, Jonas, who...

One of my friends who plays soccer almost had to play on some ground with mounds of dirt.

They had to level the playing field.

I do almost any kind of drug

But cocaine is where I draw the line

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

I almost never have a beer.

But I often have ten.

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The woman tells her husband: "the clock fell off the wall and almost hit my mother in the head".

The husband replies: "Shitty clock, always late!".

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on ...

Haven’t seen my Indian girlfriend in almost a month because her dad “forbids it”.

Screw you Soshul Distin Singh!

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

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"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt."

"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt." said my new girlfriend.

"Why's that, love. You afraid of a big cock?" I asked smiling as I took a drink.

"No, because it just took you 6 minutes to put the straw in the hole of your Capri-Sun juice pouch." she rep...

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Suzy came to the church in a see-through blouse leaving almost nothing to imagination

After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " you can't come to church dressed like that " pointing at her blouse.


"But I have a divine right" complained Suzy.


" And you have a divine left too " noted the priest " but still you can't come dressed like that " .

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?

A Water Lilly.

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

Doc said my eyesight is almost like 20/20

He gave a prescription for the thickest eye glasses in existence.

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

When I was a young man, I almost hooked up with an Eskimo girl once...

Turns out, she wasn’t really Inuit

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jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

I almost failed my breast exam...

but I got 2 D's.

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My local grocery store was robbed of almost $10,000

the thieves managed to get away with two containers of lysol wipes, four bottles of hand sanitizer and a package of chicken breasts.

My father almost joined the Berlin Wall Brigade but couldn't because he broke his arm

That was a lucky break

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

After experiencing Lethargy for almost 2 months now.........

I think I'm ready to audition for "American Idle "

Trump answers 'what is 2 + 2' ?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math y...

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A guy was born with three testicles..

and had the habit of always make the following statement to any other man he encountered: *"You know that if we sum your balls and my balls, the total would be five?"* Almost everyone was kind of intimidated by this. One day he was riding an elevator and a small, skinny guy entered it. Feeling the u...

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

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An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years

~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?

-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.

After wal...

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My friend tried to give himself a blowjob, but he missed and almost blinded himself.

It's ok, he's just a little cock-eyed now.

Bull auction.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ........

Before the quarantine I was going to strip clubs almost every day

But now they're all clothed until further notice.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

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A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men,

He asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.".
The doctor ...

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

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My wife and I have been married for 30 years and have almost had sex every night!

We almost had sex last month, we almost had sex last week, we almost had sex last night and tonight will probably be more of the same.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

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The Golf Pro

A golf pro is going over his morning instruction list and sees the usual: a lawyer, a CEO, etc… Looking down the list, he sees someone who listed prostitute. Finally, someone different!

He meets her out on the putting green and introduces himself. “I would like to start your lessons by seeing...

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

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Two boys were playing in the sandbox with a girl

**This is a joke my grandpa just told me (he was a Navy guy).**

Two boys were playing in the sandbox with a girl; the boys’ names were Tom and Dick and the girl’s name was Sally.

Tom decided to challenge Sally to a contest. The rules of the contest were as follows: each child had to bu...

I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish

Almost everyone eats corn

A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.

As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.

Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”

The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”

“Between the first and second holes”.

...

A guy almost lost all his money on Reddit.

To read the second part please input your credit card information bellow.

Thank goodness Reddit is back up

I was almost productive for a second there!

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed,he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man,‟Why are you eating grass?”

‟We do not have any money for food,” the poor man replied. ‟We have to eat grass.”

‟Well,then,you cn come with me to my house and I‘ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
...

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A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport

A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport late at night. Three men, heavily drunk, boarded the taxi.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"Airrrporrttt", one of then replied.

The taxi driver was confused, but decided to take advantage of the situation. He turned the key to start th...

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse...

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.” Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise the Lord!” Sure enough, the horse started t...

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.



Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

A group of three crows is called a murder. A group of almost 20 crows is called

CORVID-19

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.


The first twin is adopted by an Egyptian family and is then named "Amal."


The second twin is adopted by a Spanish family and is then named "Juan."


After 25 years, Juan sends a picture of himself to his biological moth...

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

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An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolv...

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

A magician worked on a cruise ship...

.....the audience was different each week so the
magician did the same tricks over and over again..

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot
saw the shows each week and began to understand
how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

...

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I almost lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day.

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

It's almost summer!

Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready

How do we know the corona virus wasn't made in China?

Because we've had it for almost a year now and it's still working

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.

The conductor almost panicked says, “there’s too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we’re going to crash!” The Welshman bravely steps up, “For the glory of wales!” And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, “okay, we’re close but there is still too much weight!” ...

Two elderly women were out driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have...

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...

It’s not a kosher place, but he thinks “what the hell, why not?” He asks for a seat outside.

He looks at the menu, and decides if he’s gonna eat non-Kosher food, he’s going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an appl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and
soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my
head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrote this in r/videos. It made me laugh. Who Want To Be A Millionaire America version.

WWTBAM person: "Oh, you won a million dollars? Let me just get that for you."

Winner: "Thanks."

WWTBAM person: "Ok. First we take a tax cut of 25%."

Winner: "Wait, what?"

WWTBAM person: "Next we're going to seperate it into 20."

Winner: "Hold on a second, what are ...

"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs hi...

There were 5 people on a plane

A doctor, a scientist, Donald trump, Hillary Clinton, and a 9 year old girl.

The planes engines busted and there was only 4 parachutes on flight.

The doctor said “I need a parachute because I can help people who have COVID.” He took a parachute and jumped out.

The scientist said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week,

I finally got to the
counter and the woman
looked at me and said,
"I'm really sorry about
your wait."

I replied,
"you're not so fucking
skinny yourself."

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window

"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger

"Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed?

People bought them all for shits and giggles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I almost came up with a fishing joke the other day

Then the bastard got away from me.

Angel: Hi God, what's up?

God: Angel, yeah, come in, come in...

Angel: What do you need?

God: Do you remember World War One?

Angel: Yeah

God: Well, it's been almost a hundred years, I think we're ready for World War Two

Angel: You mean World War Three???

God: World War Two.

A...

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