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Almost Jokes

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

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I have sex almost every day of the week.

Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday. Almost on Thursday. Almost on Friday. Almost on Saturday. And almost on Sunday.

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station

I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I almost had a threesome the other day!

I just needed two more people!

An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.

After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.

Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.

On closer inspection, the ...

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almost forgot it was my cake day! here's my favorite joke. it's not about cake

On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse s...

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Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

I almost had a threesome with a brunette and a blonde

Too bad they weren't interested.

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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I almost played craps at the casino today...

... but the game looked a little dicey.

(Just made this up lol)

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

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So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

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Almost got my first blowjob today.

Tomorrow,I'm going to stretch even farther while doing sit-ups.

The cultivation of opium and domestication of the horse are almost synchronistic.

Meaning people have been on horse, in every modern sense of the term, for about 5000 years.

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The almost-deaf genie

A man enters a pub and goes to the bar, he orders a whiskey and, after drinking it he pays and when her turns around to leave he sees a humongous rooster, 6’ tall, roaming around the pub.
“What the….” The man says, turning back to the bartender:
“Ugh, don’t ask me, ask that genie over there”; ...

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

I almost told myself I was going to stop drinking

But I'm not about to start listening to some damn alcoholic.

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because...

... of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I wou...

Almost all coins look the same

This must be what we call a coincidence

It's almost Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You can tell its getting closer to Halloween," the guy tells the bartender. "Just today I saw a gal dressed up like Snow White working in the shoe store down in the local shopping center .... She was the fairest of the mall."

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

Once I was almost in love with a psychic

She left me before we met.

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

I almost got switched at birth in the hospital

But then my mother got caught by the nurse

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

“I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."

Almost every day I hear car alarms going off around the city...

But never in my life have I seen a car wake up

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Almost married...

A couple years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but le...

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Almost

A kid comes back to the trailer from school and tells his dad

\- Guess what, dad, we had an exam today.

\- So another D, as in Dumb piece of shit?

\- No, no, dad! I almost got an A!

\- What do you mean "almost"?

\- I sat next to a kid.. who got an A!

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I almost punched my doctor

When I told him I had abdominal pain he said I was full of shit.

Turns out I am badly constipated.

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Like father, almost like son.

Little 8-year-old Jimmy was getting ready for school in the morning, when he decided to go see what his dad was doing. He walked into his parents' room only to find that his dad wasn't quite dressed yet. He had his robe on, but it wasn't fastened and hung loose.


Little Jimmy glimpsed at h...

Getting divorced just because you don't love a woman is almost as silly

as getting married just because you do.

Canada was almost named "Cnd"...

But when the guy who decided it should be named "Cnd" publicly declared how to spell it, he said:

"C, eh?" "N, eh?" "D, eh?"

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.

I'm here all day..

I almost got run over by a giant bunny

I was really a hare away from death

As I sat anxiously in the waiting area, one of the surgeons opened the door, walked over and gave me the terrible news. I almost broke into tears immediately.

"It's time for your dentist appointment," she said.

First time horseback riding. I almost died!

I had a friend ask if I wanted to go horseback riding. I've never been so I said yes!

I got on the back of this horse and it turns out when you are on the back of a horse it feels like you are going faster than if you were in a car.

Me and this horse started going and It felt like I ...

A construction foreman hired a new guy and started getting complaints about him almost immediately...

He pulls the new hire into his office and asks him why he keeps trying to unzip everyone's pants. The new guys says "That's what you hired me for!" The forman says "I said I needed a jack "OF" all trades!"

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

I almost witnessed a murder

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

I *almost* got that...

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “Why are you standing naked in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!”

I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

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I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, a...

My friend decided to quit almost all social media, but suddenly got addicted to the latest one by Meta.

He is hanging on…by a Thread.

Almost Murderer

*In jail*

Guy: "So what are you in for?"

Me: *Thinking back on trying to collect and breed crows* "Attempted Murder."

Timmy had been dating Joyce for almost 2 months and decided to tell his parents on Thanksgiving break

When he tells his dad, he asks him “wait a moment, is this Joyce, Susan’s girl?

Timmy replied: “yes Susan Thompson, that’s her mom, do you know her”?

His dad said after a deep sigh: “well son, I’m Afraid you can’t date her, see when I was younger I got around if you know what I mean a...

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

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Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

Almost all Mazdas are hybrid cars

They burn both gas and engine oil

Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name.

It’s Top Secret.

What word do people almost always pronounce incorrectly?

Incorrectly

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

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India has a god for almost everything- except premature ejaculation

But it’s coming soon.

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

Almost done watching that Netflix special on Epstein.

I hope it doesn’t leave me hanging.

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

A father and his 6 year old son where walking through the woods together. It was almost dark...

The little boy says, "Daddy, the woods is scary at night."

The dad responds; "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone...."

I almost got mugged today

Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.

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A married couple of almost 20 years was lying in bed one evening

When the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just ...

My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

After almost hitting 2 cars, a man gets pulled over by a police car

The officer asked,"can I see your license, please". After rummaging through his stuff, he passes his license to the officer. "Sir, your license indicates that you must wear glasses to drive".

"Oh," the man said,
.
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.
.
.
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"I didn't see that".

We almost lost momma!

Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd hav...

NNN is almost over....

A teenager, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

The cleaning lady was almost finished cleaning a suite when she noticed her Hoover wasn't working.

Thinking quick, she threw it out the window, making the room a vacuum cleaner.

Its almost ten years since I stopped drinking in work.

I haven't touched a job since

I almost cut off my beard today.

That was a close shave.

I almost went crazy when I got Covid, but if I get the monkeypox

I will go bananas.

I bought a bag of bird seed almost 2 months ago.

Anyone know how long it takes for the bird to grow?

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

My physician told me I almost couldn’t hear anything

I had a near-deaf experience

Why did the almost blind man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well

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Almost got on a television show once....

So pissed they cancelled COPS

It's so hot outside that I almost called my ex.

So I could be around something shady.

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I almost got pussy.

I'm glad I survived by talking.

When god created the world, the prototype human was almost finished.

Then he said to the responsible construction angel: "Put little toes on them" "Why that?" "For the furniture, you'll see that it's going to be fun."

I almost never have a beer.

But I often have ten.

To think, Louis and Marie-Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.

They were neck and neck.

I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse,

when will I get my adult supervision?

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Almost every hand you have ever shaken...

... has held a dick in it.

I almost killed my whole family

I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.

It's almost summer!

Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready

I’ve been off my OCD meds for more almost a year now

(Or 11 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 7 minutes to be exact)

I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it

Talk about a paneer-death experience

Almost Screamed

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a...

Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

I'm almost a millionaire!

I have all the zeros, just looking for the one.

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

Why is it almost impossible to solve a murder in Alabama?

Because they all have the same DNA.

I almost failed my breast exam...

but I got 2 D's.

My mate's got a thing for thin women. Not just thin, but really thin, almost anorexic women.

For his birthday next week, I've bought him a blow-up doll.


And no pump.

Almost all the hotels I usually stay at are closed

I had to go with my last resort

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Last week I almost got robbed in the desert...

The robber shot my tires when I was driving and pulled me straight out of the car. He yelled "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW!"

I responded "Wait wait wait, before you do, can you shoot my hat? I wanna prove to my family at home I was robbed."

The robber shrugged as I took off my hat ...

Bungalows are almost perfect.

They only have one floor...

Susie went to the church wearing a see-through top leaving almost nothing to imagination..

After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " I don't want you to come to church wearing such a dress"

Susie cried " but I have a divine right"

Priest " you have a divine left too " looking at her dress " but still you can't come dressed like that " .

Almost there

The wife invited her family over for dinner, and about one hour before they are due to arrive she realises that she has forgotten to buy the snails she planned for the entree.

She asks her husband to quickly go to the store and buy some, but warned him to come back straight away.

The h...

It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

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I haven't jerked off in almost a month

I guess you can say I haven't been feeling myself lately

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