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Quite Jokes

It's quite ironic that "strap on"…

…backwards, spells 'no parts'…

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The train was quite crowded.

A US marine walked the entire length of the train, looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle, owned by a well dressed, middle-aged, French Woman.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may i have that seat ?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in parti...

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

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There's nothing quite like waking up to sex in the morning...

There's nothing quite like waking up to sex in the morning...

... unless you're in prison!

People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

I recently received quite a nasty ear injury in a food fight at a cake shop.

So you'll have to forgive me since I'm a trifle deaf.

My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

You know I actually quite like the Burj Khalifa

Despite its many floors.

I don’t quite understand this hate against vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with them.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that...

A quite mean joke

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
Th...

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

I never quite understood why the shortened version of ‘Charles’ is ‘Chuck’.

What the farles is that about?

Today a pretty girl told me I was quite a looker!

Well, voyeur was the exact word she used.

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

I quite enjoy blowing air around a room.

In fact, I'm a big fan.

[OC] What do you call a moron who’s actually quite smart?

An oxymoron.

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

I don't think that I quite understood 'Show and Tell' when I was at school.

Every time I 'showed' , the girls told.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Our infant son is quite disturbed

He keeps crying "OH WAH AH AH AH"

I used to work in a circus for a few years. I was quite handy.

I was the only person who could get the tent back in the bag.

There's a topless blonde giving quite a show to cars driving by in my neighborhood...

The garbage company told her to take her cans out by the side of the road on Tuesday mornings.

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How do you get to own a company worth a Billion? It's actually quite easy. Just...

...spend 44 Billions to buy one, and then piss off your customers and fire half the staff. That should do it.

Moving to Louisiana after living in California has been quite difficult

New Orleans is fine, but it's NOLA

My girlfriend and i are quite similar

They're both imaginary

Vegans are actually quite good people

Expecially when you use the right spices.
- notes from a cannibal

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

With the current international situation, you'd think that the Russian Tea Rooms in New York would be experiencing a downturn in business. Quite the contrary, business is so good, they've expanded...

...into the Ukrainian Village Restaurant on 2nd Ave.

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is quite unrealistic but at least they got one thing right

The moment Charlie found that ticket all the scalpers started coming out.

March hasn't quite destroyed the world.

No, but April May.

I know quite a few terrorist.....

They are all mind blowin people.

I’m feeling quite lightheaded...

I haven’t had head since yesterday

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Women from Idaho are quite promiscuous [nsfw]

You ask her where she's from and she brings up her sex life!

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

I'm quite worried about the corona virus...

It's got potential tequila lot of people.

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

Me and my brother have quite the connection together

We're siamese twins



Note: I am actually not a siamese twin

A man is out drinking with his friend and he gets quite drunk and vomits down the front of his shirt

He exclaims, "oh no, my wife will divorce me for sure!" His friend asks why. He says, "she's been on at me for my drinking and she told me if I come home drunk once more she would divorce me."

His friend thinks for a moment and then says, "I have an idea. Put $20 in your breast pocket and if ...

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