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My penis is quite small

Luckily my girlfriend is an optimist, so her pussy is always half full.

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

A knight Became quite lacking in energy after they shut down the Jousting Arena...

In fact he was quite listless.

This wind is really picking up and it's quite chilly

Yeah, I'm not a fan

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby.

But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.

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A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'aM, iF youR hearT iS sofT aS youR breasT ,I knoW you'lL forgivE mE." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

A woman whose husband was a photographer was quite used to him returning home late almost every day.

On asked why, he'd reply, "I had to shoot a car crash" or "I had to shoot a football game" or something similar. A friend decided to pay her a visit once. On asking how late her husband would be, she replied, not intending to shock her, "I don't know... He's gone to shoot the President."

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

I'm quite a normal person, I'm very good friends with twenty five letters of the alphabet..

I don't know why...

Vegans are actually quite good people

Expecially when you use the right spices.
- notes from a cannibal

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one though was dead Sirius.

I've heard of lot of anti-semetic jokes recently and I'm quite tired of them, especially as my Grandad died in Auschwitz...

If anyone wants to know how, he fell off the guard tower.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

Did you know Argentina can get quite cold?

It can even border on Chile!

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.

I was involved in quite a bad explosion the other day.

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme

But it was multi level carpeting.

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

A gorgeous blonde woman steps out of a taxi, banging her head quite hard against the door frame.

As she stands holding her hand to her scalp, a gentleman, who'd seen it happen, approaches and asks, "Excuse me Miss, is your head okay?!"

The blonde replies, "Well, I haven't had any recent complaints."

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Two friends Jack and John, both having piles since quite a time, met for a regular evening walk..

Two friends Jack and John, both having piles (haemorrhoids) since a considerable time, met for a regular evening walk and sat down. Jack said, "Today I met an amazing doctor, he really treated me well and my ass is really soothing today.". John said, " Same here friend, I too met a kind and nice doc...

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

It's quite difficult to say what my wife does...

She sells seashells on the seashore.

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

A guy goes into a restaurant. It is quite full, so he goes and sits down at a table vis-à-vis a man reading a newspaper.

He waits and waits a long time without being served and he starts to glance over to the bowl of soup, which is seemingly untouched by the guy with the newspaper.

After a while his hunger gets too bad, he grabs the bowl and the spoon and starts eating. It doesn't taste very good, it seems to ...

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

Me and my brother have quite the connection together

We're siamese twins



Note: I am actually not a siamese twin

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

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My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights

That's quite the crack shot

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

At first I wasn’t quite sure if my dog was pregnant, bloated, or just fat

But then it became apparent

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

Mount Rushmore was quite a sight before it was carved.

It is said that it was unpresidented.

People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

I was hooking up with a girl when I asked to do Disney themed role-play

She agreed, so I gave her a blue fairy costume and I got into my most comfortable lederhosen

After a bit of foreplay, I undressed and asked her to grant my wish of being a real man

Looking down at me she said “Your wish may be granted because I can see quite plainly that you’ve been te...

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just sh...

My 7 year old just came up with these Avatar: The Last Airbender jokes. We were quite surprised.

What kind of music does Toph like?

- Rock-and-Roll


What kind of instrument does Aang play?

- Air guitar


I know it’s not much, but I got a kick out of his reasoning and decided to share.

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man:

"Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that...

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts “Free shots for the bar! On that man over there!” And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can’t see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouri...

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The Motorcycle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it ...

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

A Pokemon trainer goes to see a doctor

She is worried about a substantial, painful growth on one of her fingers, but the doctor tells her it's not a big deal: "It's actually quite common for a Pokemon trainer to have a bulbous sore on their hands."

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old lamp.

He thinks he could sell it so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie.
The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."
The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it.
The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 ...

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

An unhappy couple are driving on a snowy night when they get into an accident.

Both of them are hospitalized soon but the wife doesn't survive. The husband is unconscious for quite some time after the accident.

When he wakes up, the doctor gently tells him the truth.

He says, "Sir, we have a bad news."

The man tenses up. He replies, "What? Is it my wife? W...

3 Docs needed…

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an 18 year old RAR...

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Women from Idaho are quite promiscuous [nsfw]

You ask her where she's from and she brings up her sex life!

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grand kids, so I made my own.

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