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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

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I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.


But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic?

He was fired for Glacial Profiling.

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When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

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I thought “oh shit” as I realized I hadn’t been paying attention and was only doodling for the past hour.

My mom was right, I really am a shitty tattoo artist.

I thought my jokes about fat people would be great for this sub

but none of them worked out.

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I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts

He now makes me pay in advance

I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard.

But, honestly, it's growing on me.

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Thought you'd like to know.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog o...

My parents thought I was joking when I came out to them.

I could not say it with a straight face.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

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I thought I wouldn’t like masturbating while spinning in my desk chair.

But I’m coming around to it.

I can never come up with shower thoughts....

As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

I always thought people wore contacts because it doesn't change your appearance...

... but when I look in the mirror and put on my contacts I always get uglier.

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I was building an impenetrable fortress and as I laid the last brick I thought to myself,

"oh shit, how am I supposed to get inside"

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

Just a thought that sinks can’t open doors.

Let that sink in.

I thought the wind settled down a bit so I could go for a walk. Then a crow flew past my window.

Backwards.

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I thought about dating a Nazi once

but the swastika was a huge red flag.

I thought my new job in journalism would be very stressful but it's actually remarkably easy-going.

I am a content editor.

A joke I just thought of

What do you call a prosthetic dog foot?


A faux pas.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

Reminds me of the time I was down in Mexico. I saw what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me. "Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "...Eetsa Hambush."

I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor

I’ll post it soon

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

I thought I had Covid 19 so I decided to give it a go and I injected myself with bleach...

Surprisingly I’m all white now.

My grandpa told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

What do you call a cow with a burka?
A mooslim

When my wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer”, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

I thought about going on an all almond diet.

But thats just nuts!

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she had an abduction fetish.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

Thought of this earlier

About an hour after the news years party we were congregated into groups talking and one guy in our little circle goes “I haven’t showered since last year!” It was too funny not to share with other people.

So when I got the opportunity I walked over to a group of people and said “I haven’t s...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I thought I was going to sleep with an Eskimo-girl

But, she wasn’t Inuit.

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

Thought of this one on my own when I was a youngster.

Why did the artist lose the gun fight?

He didn't draw his gun fast enough!

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You thought the Toilet Roll Rampage was bad......

Just wait until 26 million women all try to book a hairdressers appointment at the same fucking time

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

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When I was in 4th grade, one of the boys in my class called me "a homo" in front of the class and I thought it meant "homeless".

And I was confused, so I said, "But Jeremy, you've been to my house!"

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got...

You all thought it too...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," ...

I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious.

Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself

This is the last thing I need.

What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

3. OK, first shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

I thought this year was going to be a good one

I guess I don't have 2020 vision

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

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A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned p...

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We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece.

Now, he’s a great uncle

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A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:

“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed”

The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner.
...

A company i thought of making

I thought of doing a company called Procrastination Incorporated, and every shop i make, ill just put coming soon on the entrance

A lot of people thought bio-warfare was overpowered.

That's why it was banned from competitive use.

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

I thought I could use a massage in these stressful times...

So I found a spa that was open last night.

Receptionist: “Good evening and welcome sir! Would you like to try our Aromatherapy massage with lavender and chamomile?”

Me: “How much does it cost?”

Receptionist: “That would be $150”

Me: “Thats very expensive for me. Do you h...

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I thought I lost my virginity the other day

But don't worry, I found it when I woke up.

A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself, what Jesus would do?

So, I turned it in to wine.

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I thought I had covid-19 because I lost my sense of taste.

Turns out I'm just a crappy cook.

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

I haven't had a new thought in a month

It's all reposts

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

Never thought I'd see a day where technology is so advanced you can watch a movie at home with the same experience,

But here VR

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant...

...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Food for thought

I’m a supporter of the #metoo movement. No one deserves to be harassed. But do you remember what # meant before digital phones- pound

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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