When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

I thought chiropractors were a big hoax

But I stand corrected.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.

Turns out it was a cagey bee.

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

I thought my mouse was dead.

But it's alive and clicking.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Stoner thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

My wife said she thought Lance was a weird name

But I reassured her people used to be named Lance a lot

I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad

Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I thought I saw my ex today, but it was just a piece of feldspar.

Maybe she was right, maybe I did take her for granite.

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I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts

He now makes me pay in advance

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

I thought all the trees had broken when they lost their leaves last year. They're coming back now though.

What a re-leaf.

Most celebs have incoherent thoughts when elderly.

Rappers on the other hand have incoherent thots.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

I thought I was funny until I met your parents...

They got together and made a joke years ago yet people are still laughing.

Thought this up while driving behind a car with a Star Wars Rebel sticker on it.

What is the favorite type of weather of Stormtroopers?

Mist

I thought it was an oyster

But it's snot.

I thought you said we didn’t have any bread?

No, I said we had Naan.

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I was afraid I had Covid because I thought I lost my sense of taste.

Turns out I'm just a shitty cook.

You guys thought 2020 was bad?

Just wait for the sequel, 2022.

Some guy on a Minecraft server thought that I was a hermit

How dare he make such baseless accusations.

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.

And then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

I thought of sharing a joke with you all. But,

Someone already posted it. So I'll wait for a month...


Joke ended.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb

No one in Billy's math class thought he would master proofs

He proved them wrong

So I thought I'd start my own rock band

I wanted to call it The Rubber Band.

But I thought that was a bit of a stretch.

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

Thoughts...

Where do you stand on landmines?

Have you ever thought of putting money into textiles?

I'm a broker at the local clothing bank. I'm mostly a sock broker, but I handle all kinds of vestments. We do a lot of short sales.
(Please be kind, it's my first post!)

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.

I guess it just changes the color of the baby.

Arguing with my ultra conservative father always went the same way - Me: I thought ...

Him: That was your first problem.

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

I just thought of this and I can't get it out of my mind.

Teacher: What are the biggest causes of air pollution.

Student: Gases realeased from vehicles like trucks and cars.

Student: Factories that release gases like Co2 from burning fuels.

Student: There are 7 BILLION people living on earth, so there is more than a TRILLION farts rele...

Joke I just thought up: What did the orphan say to the Star Trek fan thinking of adopting?

Bring me up, Scotty!

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

I went to a fondue party last night and thought of a really great joke!

I was too embarrassed to say it though, it was really cheesy.

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

I thought I was losing my eyesight while scrolling Reddit in the middle of the night.

Apparently there are a lot of blurry images if you're sorted by New in All at 3 in the am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

I thought I knew everyone I needed to know to be successful at my new job...

...turns out, I didn't know Jack.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Random thought

Pregnant horses can run faster, coz they have two horse power.

A joke I thought of

So a student turns in a math test and the teacher looks at the questions and says “Why’d you put variables for all the answers?”

i always thought it'd be fun to be a Hare Krishna

it's so unfortunate I never got the chants

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

The little fighter plane thought he wouldn't be able to fly high enough

Not with that altitude you won't

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

What did the wind turbine say when asked what they thought about sustainable energy?

I'M A HUGE FAN!

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

“This takes me back.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?

Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.

(I thought that one up myself)

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I was watching my girlfriend have a shit and I thought to myself,

'This really is the last time we do a 69.'

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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