I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

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I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a believer” by The Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

This is my favourite joke I made, I hope no-one else has thought about it

Q. How do you get an old English woman to say "f**k"


A. Get someone else to shout "bingo!"


Some will get it, some will be offended. Most won't get it

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

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I was watching Jurrasic Park and thought...

Not only does my son have a stupid ass name, but he's a terrible driver as well

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.

Turns out it was just another dad choke.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about my wife.

I'd probably start thinking about her.

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I thought I’d found my dream job as a male prostitute

But it turned out to be a pain in the ass.

Hey guys. I am so happy and proud of myself and i thought i should share with you!! Today i saw myself on TV

When I turned it off!

Just a weird thought

"Stranger Things" should be named "Familiar Things" now. Come on those kids have been fighting strange things for 2 years now.

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

My friend asked me what I thought about the state North of Texas

I told him it's OK

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

The waiter asked for a tip, which I thought was...

...gratuitous

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

I thought starting a creative writing group for felons would be a great idea.

Turns out it has its prose and cons.

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

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I never thought I'd be in the competitive world of long-distance ejaculation

And now look how far I've come.

I thought my phone was broken as it keeps referring to me as Shirley.

Then I realised it was in Aeroplane mode

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.

That sentence was way too long.

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

What's the difference between Reddit and Instagram?

Reddit fills your mind with thoughts.

Instagram fills your mind with thots.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

The first time I got a universal remote. I thought...

This changes everything

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A joke I thought of today

If a guy goes to lunch with a girl, he’s a boyfriend


If a guy goes to lunch with two girls, he’s a stud.


If a guy goes to lunch with three girls, he’s gay.

I thought my new husband's surname was tobbogan.

But it turned out I was missled.

My friend thought he made a good construction joke.

Unfortunately there was absolutely no build up

My buddy asked if I ever thought about putting it in the other hole

"Hell no," I replied, "Why would I want to get her pregnant???"

A mathematician is asked, "Why did Romeo kill himself when he thought Juliet was dead?"

"Because without one the other is nought."

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

Random Thought

Are those who make upper extremity prosthetics known as "Arms Dealers"?

Someone Asked For My Thoughts on Euthanasia

Well i’m no expert, but with China easing up on the one child policy there sure will be more of them.

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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."

Thought I'd burn some calories today

So I set a fat kid on fire

Arranging a funeral for my boss is turning out to be more difficult than I thought.

He keeps asking what we are doing.

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend

but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.

What is 6's thoughts about 7?

6 finds 7 to be rather odd.

I thought I spotted a leopard once

But it turns out they're born that way.

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

Thought I saw the first ever super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.

Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut.

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something?

But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her closet.

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

I thought last Friday was a sad day.

Turns out that today is a sadder day.

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My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

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I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction.

But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by.

I used to be a beekeeper, but my wife demanded that I either leave her or the bees because she had so many stings. At first, I thought this couldn't be true.

Then I saw her face, ...

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