UPJOKE
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A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.

Then I saw her face.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

I thought up this fibonacci joke ..

But it's worse than my last two combined

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

I always thought "Don't mess with Texas" was a statement.

Turns out it's just a plea.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I thought breaking glass would be easy.

Turns out, it's a real pane.

My girlfriend just yelled at me: "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought,

"Wow. What a weird way to start a conversation."

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

I thought my new ADHD meds would help my drinking and it works.

Instead of a half dozen glasses of bourbon with only a sip or two drunk from them, I actually finish them all.

My thoughts on zodiac signs

Like I don’t mind them in general, but I hate it when people bring them up all the time.


So this one time I called my friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.


He said, “No dude, I can’t, I have cancer.”

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

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When I was a little boy, I accidentally walked in on my step dad as he was getting out of the shower and I saw his dick. Let me tell you, It. Was. Huge. Guy was swinging a hammer! And then I thought what every kid thinks when he sees something like that.

"I wish this guy was my real Dad..."

During the Pontius Pilate number in Jesus Christ Superstar, I thought the orchestra hit a wrong note, but they were actually changing key and it was Pilate who didn’t keep up.

So I thought it was caused faulty instrumentation but it was really due to Pilate error.

I thought I had a new joke about fencing

But it was a riposte

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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

Deep thoughts

I wonder what fish tasted like before women started swimming.

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

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Deep thoughts

Do cows know that we drink their milk or do they think we just like playing with their tits?

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Me and my girlfriend split up because she said I thought about video games too much.

It’s such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

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It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise and I thought to myself

Man! I should’ve made that sandwich first

I thought I saw an eye doctor in Alaska yesterday

But it was only an optical Aleutian

A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

My kiddo thought the equation for water was HIJKLMNO

They swore their teacher told them it was H to O

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

I thought we had something.

You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re "a waitress " who was "doing her job"

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A poem about positive thoughts

Little little bird in the sky

You look up it shits in your eye

You don’t weep you don’t cry

You thank god that cows don’t fly

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

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A crappy joke I thought up.

What do you get if you purchase a quad pack of traditional mature Japanese wine?

Four old times sake.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

When my wife threatened a divorce because of my obsession with the Shrek soundtrack, I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

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The thoughts of a constipated person

“Same shit, different day.”

I never thought orthopaedic shoes would really work for me...

But I stand corrected.

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Old army joke

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well...

Last night I thought I was being attacked by a shark

Don’t worry, it was only a bream

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I thought the area between the genitals and the butthole is called the "perineum". I was wrong...

It *taint*.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I had a stone that I thought was something else, but a geologist friend told me it was gneiss.

I'm afraid i took it for granite.

Asked my friend in Moscow what he thought of the situation over there

He said "I can't complain."

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My therapist thought I was a communist

There were red flags everywhere

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

Thought I saw my first super hero today....

He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape....

Turns out, he hadn't paid for his haircut.

I thought tonight was my chance to get it on with a couple of blonde twins

Turned out I was just with my girlfriend and I had one drink too many!

I was gonna post a Meatloaf joke but I thought better of it.

I would do anything for upvotes but I won't do that.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

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Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

My wife decided to try something kinky for my birthday. She thought pegging would just my day special she was wrong.

It made my hole weak.

Yesterday, I bought a bottle of Whiskey and was on my way home on my motorcycle

Suddenly a thought occured to me; What if my motorcycle crashes? What would I drink once I get home?
So I stoopped right then, and gulped the entire bottle down, sitting beside the road.

I'll tell you, that was one of my smartest moves. I crashed 4 times before I reached home yesterday.

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

Will’s apology was really well written and thoughtful..

The person who wrote it should get a raise.

I thought I was being helpful, opening the door for a woman.

She just screamed and fell out of the plane.

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

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A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

Nerdy physics and psychology joke thought I'd share.

I heard that there is a new novel out about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog going on an adventure but I couldn't remember the name. Sounded good so I decided to go down to the library to see if they've got it. Looked around and couldn't see it so I asked the librarian if they have it in, she repl...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

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