I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking...

But then I saw her face

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

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Stupid pun i just thought of

A boy comes home to his dog after being a weekend away at the beach as he plops onto his bed he takes a big sniff and asks himself:
“did the dog crap or am i just imagining shit?”

I thought it was romantic to secretly swap my girlfriend's backpack for a bag of roses.

Her skydiving instructor didn't.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes...

Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

My wife and I were chatting the other day and she said to me, “Honey, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to be cremated.”

So I said to her, “Alright, go get your coat.”

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:

"This really takes me back".

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard.

My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener.

Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents, if you think about it.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself...

Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.

I thought I knew the origins of the word "moron"

But I couldn't be more wrong

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A man thought he was a worm.

A man thought he was a worm. And thus he was afraid of chickens, because, well, chickens eat worms. Obviously.

So he went into therapy. After 6 months the therapist managed to convince him that he no longer was a worm.

And as a final test, he needed to face chickens. Upon seeing the ch...

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

a joke that i thought of 2 mins ago.

kid: mom, can I get $20?”
mom: does it look like I’m made of money?
kid: well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?

I thought about posting a joke about salt

but then I thought, Na, this is r/jokes, and these guys are sodium, they just won't get it.

Came up with a Joke, thought I'd share

As the title says, here's a Joke I came up with, it works better when talking then in text form, but I still say it's alright.
So, in 1832, an American who had moved to Ontario had been hunting wild game.

Now, he hadn't bothered with the paper work for a license, as he thought it was rem...

"Dj Khaled, what are your thoughts on Palestinian rocket attacks?"

"ANOTHER ONE!!'

Running a chicken farm is more complicated than I thought

There are so many layers...

I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor...

... too bad I suck at telling jokes.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly

They would find me atractive

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops.

I told her she's deluginal.

I thought I would try

online dating so I went to eHarmony.

They matched me with a 25 year old Single Malt..

When I first got a haircut, I thought it was way too short,

But it's really growing on me.

For my cake day, I thought I’d share my favourite joke...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so". Fine, then the wife as...

My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen

I heard she was a massive DMX fan

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

I thought chiropractors were a big hoax

But I stand corrected.

I thought pull ups are hard

But pull ups are easy once you get the *hang* of it.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

I thought of a new name for communion wafers:

Christ krispies.

My wife is rather annoyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just thought of one but maybe borrowed.

Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit.

Randomly thought of this one

What is a pilot's favorite flavored chip?

Plain...



Ok I'll leave now.

I had a thought in the shower today...

She gave me a handjob.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

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The wife asked me if I thought she could be a model..

"There's no fucking chance you fat bastard." I laughed.

"Fuck off." She sobbed. "I'll have you know I've got a try-out for a modelling job this afternoon." She then grabbed her coat and stormed out.

A few hours later, she came home. "Well fuck you." She said proudly. "You're now lookin...

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.

Turns out it was a cagey bee.

Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars

but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.

I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf.

I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.

I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry

It has its prose and its Khans

I heard of the infantry and thought it sounded great!

I just sent my toddler there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this one was funny (from r/dankmemes)

A rich man named Charles Lostin was bored on his business trip, so he decided to call his wife
*ring ring*
‘Hello! How is it back at home?’ Asked Charles
“It’s all going very well sir” the voice does not belong to his wife
‘Wait a second.. who are you?’
“I’m the maid. I was hired t...

My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

I thought I'd make a joke about fencing

but then I saw the rule about "no ripostes"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama need...

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke...

but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

Stoner thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts

He now makes me pay in advance

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

I thought my mouse was dead.

But it's alive and clicking.

A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him.

It was the incel's Excel.

Flat Earther goes to Heaven

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ...

I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad

Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire

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