My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units.

I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you.

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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

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My gf thought I had a big cock

It was actually a ostrich.

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y’all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: “Mom, why am I called Violet?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head”

Then Rose comes and asks: “Mom, why am I called Rose?”

And Ma...

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

Hello..! fairly new here to /r/Jokes. Thought I might drop you all a short note.

Staccato

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I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

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My buddy said he thought it was crazy how little people read these days.

I called him an asshole, and told him that they read just like we do.

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who’s fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective’s first day on the job and his boss tells him, “If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail yo...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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Shower thoughts are just toilet thoughts

butt cleaner

I always thought I had anger problems and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

I thought about telling you a Covid-19 joke.

But there's 99.62% chance you won't get it.

Thanks random person for the award.

Dam I wish I'd thought of it first

A rabbit and a beaver is sitting staring at the Hoover Dam.
The rabbit says, "Did you really build it?"
The beaver responds, "I didn't actually build it, but it is based on my design."

Yesterday i saw my neighbor talking with a cat and i thought that he was strange

After I came from work I told my dog about it
and we both laughed at it

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I was about to make a joke on Hydrides of Alkali metals but I thought...

NaH

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

All my life I thought air was free...

and then I bought a bag of chips

If I got a euro, for every time I thought about the wife.

I would probably think about her a bit more often.

I booked a trip to visit the Cherokee in Oklahoma this summer, but having second thoughts...

I'm having a reservation reservation reservation.

Never in my wildest dreams I thought that

I would wear a mask to bank and ask for money

Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

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I was at the dog park today and as I was bending over to pick up a huge pile of shit, I thought to myself

I should get a dog.

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He started slowly undoing his belt from under the table. She bit her lips. Was this really happening? Here? "Fuck it" she thought, and she started undoing her own belt from under the table.

He motioned to the waiter "another round of wings please"

They smiled at each other, knowing they both had room now.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

My dad told me this one so i thought i might share

In a zen monastery far inside China, a conflicted discipule has his mind shrouded by a doubt that he's sure his master, Zhi, knows the answer.

He finds him, and asks:

– "Master Zhi, why does everybody say that we, chinese people, all look alike?"

He pauses for a second, looks a...

I always thought sailing around under thunderclouds was not desirable

But apparently this weather is foreboating

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I thought my sexual fantasies were weird...

... untill I heard my neighbour say to his wife, "Climb up that bookshelf, and jump on my dick baby."

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

I thought I'd lost my boomerang the other day when I threw it too hard

And then it hit me

A popular army joke (I have no beef with the marines, I just thought this was funny)

After serving in the US army for about four years, two young men head to their home state of Florida. One of them decides they wanted to make a pair of alligator boots, so they head to a fishing hole in the swamp.

They ask the guy working there for the necessary equipment, some bait, a net,...

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,

"This will come back to bite me."

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

My teacher asked me if π was a rational number even though she hadn't thought us the concept of rational numbers...

I mean that's just not rational.

High Thoughts

Am I super high or is Sparkling Water just the vegan version of soda?

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

When I looked at my alphabet soup, I thought I was in the red light district.

Turns out I just saw a broth L

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought "Holy sh*t there's gonna be lightning"

Then I realised my phone was charging.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

I thought 'Chicken Run' was supposed to be a kids film.

But it's full of fowl language.

My Husband thought of a tea shop name “these tea’s are made of leaves.”

Honestly, who am I to disagree.

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...

He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

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My grandfather told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

Plane is about to take off, and the people are all taken their seats.The captain starts up the plane, and announces to the crew ,"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking. We will be flying at thirty-nine thousand feet on our flight from Atlanta to London. We are expecti...

If you thought 2020 was bad, wait for its sequel

2022.

I told my family I would cut my hair at the end of the pandemic, but I'm having second thoughts...

It's growing on me.

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

I always thought Doc in Back To The Future should have driven the Delorean a lot more

Instead of just from time to time

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Read this joke and thought it has potential. Apologies if it has been repeated.

There were four nuns driving in a van. It crashes and they all die. At the gates of heaven the angel says to them:

"If you want to enter there's one thing you must do. Have you ever touched a dick before?"

The first nun says,"Well you see, I was a nurse and once I had to bathe this old...

I thought that people getting mad over wearing a mask was not real, but today it happened to me as well. He told me Im an idiot for wearing a mask during a situation like this..

Like dude wtf, you're a dentist, aren't you like a doctor or something?

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

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I got a job offer as a cleaner at the cinema. Immediately, I thought of all the semen I'd be clearing up at the back of the theatre.

But hey, I'm sure there are downsides to the job, too.

I thought I was a funny guy until I met your parents..

I immediately realized I can't hold a candle to them, they made a joke years ago and everyone's still laughing..

A teacher was trying to find out where each of the kids thought they were at in their learning.

The teacher was standing at the front of the class and said “stand up if you think you are stupid.” There was a long gap and then Johnny stood up. The teacher the. asked “why do you feel stupid Johnny?” Johnny then replied “ I don’t I just felt bad that you were the only one standing up.”

I thought it would be difficult to talk to my doctor about my recent problems with impotence.

But It wasn't really that hard.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture, but when I got home...

...the tables were turned.

Can't wait to get to next year. Thought I could beat 2020.

2021.

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

Posted this on FB, People thought I was serious. When I thought of it I had a good laugh

Yo! I heard Coronavirus is now transmittable through the phone! Text too!
They say it’s piggybacking on the 5G!

Tried to post in Shower Thoughts

Imagine a dating app for fans of Mandalorian assassins and bdsm. Could call it BobaFet.

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Thought I spotted the first English superhero earlier.

I saw a Liverpool man running down the road wearing a cape.

Turned out the fucker hadn't paid for his haircut.

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

Did you hear about the crazy man who thought he was a barn?

He's stable now.

I thought my jokes about fat people would be great for this sub

but none of them worked out.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

My wife asked me, “If I die, will you re-marry?”

I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”

“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked

I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it!”

Then she asked “Would you let her wear my clothes?”

I replied “Nah she’s not your size”

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I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.


But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

Pinata joke, not mine but thought it was funny. Sorry if you have heard before

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,...

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