UPJOKE
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Thought Jokes

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.
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We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
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Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam
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Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
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As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man
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Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned
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I thought of a joke about capitalism.

But not all of you would get it.
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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...
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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.
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I thought about transitioning into a woman

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though
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Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
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Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.
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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

I thought up this fibonacci joke ..

But it's worse than my last two combined
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My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”
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Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.
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When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.
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I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.
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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.
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I thought Oppenheimer was a theoretical physicist.

Turns out he actually existed.
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I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”
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I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.
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First time I had sex I thought

'Mmm, this feels expensive'

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.
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I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...
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When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.
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When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
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I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.
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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.
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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
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A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.
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One day, a mother sees her daughter playing with Barbie and GI Joe. The mother, perplexed, says that she thought Barbie came with Ken.

The daughter says, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She only fakes it with Ken."
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I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
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I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees tribute concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face.

Now I'm in Geneva.
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Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...
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My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'
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I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
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Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.
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My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"what's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that yo...

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is...
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My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh,...

I thought I forgot how to use a boomerang

But it’s all coming back to me now.
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My brother compared religion to ghosts, which I thought was quite disrespectful.

Ghosts never started a war.
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I thought my friends would be mad that I had a secret second wife.

Instead, they all said that it was big of me to do that.

(Thanks, Groucho.)
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I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
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A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
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When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.
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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.
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A joke I made up as a child that I was very proud of and thought was the funniest thing in the world:

Q. What do you call a famous pebble?

A. A rock star.
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A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just be...
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Seafood for thought

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”
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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...
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I thought I was world's best lover

Until i found out my wife has asthma.
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As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
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If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'
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I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought.....

“I can’t turn that down.”
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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"Sam...I thought you were a little crazy when you said you invented Plexiglas underwear, but now that you're wearing them..."

"...I can clearly see your nuts..."
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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
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I thought of an inflation joke the other day

It's not as funny today
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My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
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My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.
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Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...
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I thought that my pet alligator was going to eat me!

Turns out he was just pulling my leg
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Thought For The Day....

**Are old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs simply retired mermaids?**
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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.
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What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates

1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.
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I thought people would flock to my bank if I offered 0% mortgages.

But there was literally no interest.
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A joke my little sister thought of today

A blue man lives in the blue house, a purple man lives in the purple house, a red man lives in the red house, who lives in the white house?

An orange man.
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On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.
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Thought

I think breast implants are a touchy subject
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Who would have thought

One day I would be smoking weed at a family gathering and the illegal part would be the family gathering.
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My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
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A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...
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My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her
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I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census
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I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
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My wife recently confessed that while she still loves me, she has fallen in love with someone else as well. I want what’s best for her, so after many long talks, I said I thought they should get married as well.

I thought that was mighty bigamy.
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My granpa shared this joke with me many moons ago in an email chain I just found in my inbox, I thought I’d share it with yous.

A new ArmyCaptain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
kno...

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.
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Everybody thought I wouldn't do a good job of being an usher at my brother's wedding.

I guess I put a lot of people in their place.
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Stallone thought of creating an action movie about composers.

Stallone: I'll play Beethoven

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart

Schwarzenegger: Shut up! I'll not say it.
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I thought digging tunnels would be exciting…

Turns out it’s boring
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Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase…

‘Constant super-vision.’
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A mathematician is asked, "Why did Romeo kill himself when he thought Juliet was dead?"

"Because without one the other is nought."
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I thought my date was joking when she told me she was obsessed with Monkees memorabilia.

Then I saw her place.
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I actually thought the Titan sub implosion was uplifting news [NSFW]

It was the first time in human history a billionaire had killed a teenager in international waters and the only reason they shared DNA was due to being related.
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Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.
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When I was a kid I thought that being empty inside was a bad thing.

But then I grew up and learned about constipation!
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My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!
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I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.
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A communist girl thought I was cute.

Next thing I know she seized my means of reproduction!
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I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.
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If I had a dollar for every time a woman thought I was unattractive...

I would start looking a lot more attractive
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I once thought about becoming a vegetarian

But I then realised how stupid of me as that would be a missed steak
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I thought about posting this joke about mirrors

but I just can't see myself telling it
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I always thought bonsai competitions were biased towards Japanese entrants, that's why I never won.



Until I saw my bigotry.

Lady: I thought you don't give tickets to pretty girls.

Cop: We don't. Sign here.
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I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."

He said, "Well you were mythtaken."
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Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y’all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: “Mom, why am I called Violet?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head”

Then Rose comes and asks: “Mom, why am I called Rose?”

And Ma...
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If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you
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I thought Republicans were the stupidest people in the world for calling Obama "Hussein"

Then I saw the Democrats call Trump "Drumpf"
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

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Saw a kid riding a bike today that I thought was mine

I checked my basement and sure enough he was still in there.

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I thought my dick was average size

until I realized my hands were really small

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I thought I'd make a really cool belt by stringing together all of my wristwatches...

But it was a waist of time.

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!
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I was having sex with my girlfriend, and thought I'd try something new

so I stopped and completely froze in motion. She asked me "What the hell are you doing?" I said " a move I saw on pornhub.. it's called buffering"

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...
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A thoughtful undertaker

A woman in her seventies was visiting an undertaker. She looked over her husband in his black suit and paused. She spoke directly with the undertaker gave him a check and asked if he might be able to find a blue suit for her husband. That was irregular, The undertaker said he would do his best.
J...
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So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.
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As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish
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I like my chemicals like I like my thoughts.

Compounding.
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Schrödinger's Russian soldier is a famous physics thought experiment,

which presents a paradox in which a Russian in Ukraine is somehow simultaneously both alive and dead.
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ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

As I rolled the bowling ball down the lane I thought to myself...

Please hit a few of those cyclists
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Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.
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a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!
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At first I thought one side chick was enough

But now I'm having second thots.
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I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.
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I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane
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