Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed out...

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

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Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I never thought my love life would make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face....

Thought of this while doing school

Q: What do you call the place where the thief falls out of the getaway van?

A: Where the robber meets the road.

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

I asked a friend of mine what he thought was the hardest college major

To which he replied:"Geology, because rocks are hard!"

When I was younger, I thought I was clever by coming up with a joke: What is a British person's favourite cereal?

Cheerios!

I told this to joke to a British person.

They were a little tea'd off.

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

“This takes me back.”

I caught my wife cheating. This isn’t the first time. I have asked her to leave the family home. I have filled for divorce and will ask for full custody of the kids and the dog. I thought 2020 couldn’t get much worse.

Hopefully this is the last time she steals monopoly money, when playing as the banker.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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I was watching my girlfriend have a shit and I thought to myself,

'This really is the last time we do a 69.'

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

I had a random thought right now: cheese really isn't that great.

It's just a curd to me.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I thought this French guy was calling my cow stupid...

... but he only wanted mustard.

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

Shower thought

I'm naked.

Food for Thought:

Apple Pie is 3.14 times better than apples by themselves.

This is terrible but I just thought of it and I wanna share it

“I’m gonna say the n word”
“Don’t you dare”
“Nickleback!”

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

I thought I'd found a perfect way to get to the top of r/Jokes.

Unfortunately the mods won't let me post a picture of you.

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can not believe they’re still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

Since it’s my cake day, I thought I’d do an appropriate joke. Why did the coffee cake kill himself?

Because his life was so crumby!

I've worked with that dude for six weeks, but saw him with his mask off and thought he was a stranger!

It was a simple case of mask-staken identity.

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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane?

Turned out to be the 'swine flew'

As a nurse, my wife contracted Covid and I thought it was a joke.

But her boss said it is a serious staff infection . . .

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Saw my dwarf neighbor this morning standing at the bus stop.. So I stopped and said "jump in I will give you a lift". "Fuck off!!" he screamed at me. I thought to myself "what an ungrateful person "

So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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I thought about asking my girlfriend why she wears a bunch of wristwatches on her belt...

But I decided it was a waist of time.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

I just thought up what is probably the worst pickup line ever...

Are you a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in you.

People thought Trump getting infected would change his views on Covid...

...I guess he is asympathetic.

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

I had always thought becoming sterile through testicular trauma was the same as having a vasectomy

Turns out, there's a vas deferens

Nobody I talked to thought it was a good idea to rob a bakery

But it was a whisk I was willing to take

I can control your thoughts

You are now thinking of a red hammer

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Today I saw a guy with bicycle, I thought that was mine

But mine was chained up in basement asking for food

If I had a dollar for every girl that thought I looked too fat,

By now, they’d think I looked pretty good.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

At first I thought I was only attracted to dad bods...

But then I realized I just wanted a father figure.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

I started babysitting to make some extra cash and it’s a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be...

I’ve been sitting on this baby for the last hour and a half and it hasn’t made a sound.

I thought you knew the common term for an ancestal entanglement...

A parently knot.

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

I kinda thought about skipping NNN, but you know...

... why nut.

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I thought my wife was cheating on me but it turns out she's just fucking crazy.

Yeah, apparently I have multiple personality disorder

Waiting shower thought

It feels a bit odd to be Biden our time waiting to see who Trumped this election...

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

It’s often thought that 13 is an unlucky number.

However, to many Americans, the unluckiest number is 45.

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We thought jerry was a good uncle...

Till he fucked his niece, He’s a great uncle now

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

God thought long and hard what to name the period of time when the sun was not visible...

Finally, after many hours of trying different sounds and variations he named it night.

But when naming the opposite, he was exhaust and called it a day.

Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....

Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?

It hurts to bite their tongue.

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I was having a shit earlier when I had a thought:

I should probably change my pants.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units.

I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you.

I thought I missed my cake day

batter late than never!

Just as I thought all the trick or treaters were gone for the night, a 12 year old boy came to my door dressed in all red....

Instead of saying trick or treat he told me “I’m your period, sorry I’m late”

A while ago, I thought I was going insane...

...until the the unicorn and the gummy bear told me I was just fine.

I feel much better now.

I was having an argument with the wife and she said " When i married you, i thought ypu where brave".....

And i said "So did i all my friends"...

I always thought a brain transplant was far too risky.

Then I changed my mind...

What are your thoughts about the COVID pandemic?

I’m positive it’s going well.

I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct.

Turns out it was a piece of cake.

I never thought I'd get the hang of incest

But I really feel like I've come into my own lately

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y’all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: “Mom, why am I called Violet?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head”

Then Rose comes and asks: “Mom, why am I called Rose?”

And Ma...

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

back in the days I've never thought I would hate a bunch as much as I hated emo kids, but then I met the covid-spreading tiktokers

at least the emo kids only hurt themselves

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

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Turns out using ad block pisses off more people than I originally thought.

None of the hot singles in my area wanted to have sex with me after I installed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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My dad never thought I could speak Japanese, so one time I was at a restaurant.

While at the restaurant, my dad said:
“If you can, speak to that waitress and order some dumplings in Japanese.”

I said: “Ok.”

The waitress came and I said: “Kon’nichiwa.”
They then looked me dead in the eyes and said: “Get the fuck out.”

As we were walking t...

According to Seal Team 6, Bin Laden wasn’t as bad as everyone thought

They said he became “open-minded”once they got involved

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

I just had the most sobering thought...

We are out of wine.

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My gf thought I had a big cock

It was actually a ostrich.

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I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

Me and a friend were eating Shrek's baby for dinner. My friend thought the meal was great.

Myself, I thought it was a little meaty ogre.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

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