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Seems Jokes

nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore

Feeling desserted

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Even Lowe's seems to be participating in pride month.

Couldn't find a straight board there today.

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A man is visiting a prostitute when she is noticing he seems distraught.

She asks him what's bothering him.

He tells her, "I sell furniture and if the furniture business doesn't pick up soon, I'll lose my ass"

She replies, "That's a funny coincidence. If the ass business doesn't pick up soon, I'll lose my furniture!"

Everyone seems normal

until you get to know them.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

May cat seems to like stormy weather...

when it rains, it purrs.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

me: doctor, everything anyone says to me seems to be a palindrome!

doctor: lol

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

It seems SBF’s parents jumbled his name

It should have been Fried a Bank


Too soon?

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.

Everyone on the internet seems to hate vegans, but I don’t really get it.

Personally I’ve ….never had a beef with one.

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

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It seems like no matter how much mascara I put on my penis....

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

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It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

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Therapist : your problem seems to be over attachment, a tendency to fall in love very quickly without regards of other person's feeling.

Me : please don't talk like this, baby doll.

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

I've got a friend with ADHD and, interestingly, he seems to be sharper than most people.

I guess that he's got AD4K.

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Therapist: What seems to be the problem?

Me: I have an irrational fear of those gas station slushies, y'know the ones you get for a dollar?

Therapist: I see.

Me: *Screams.*

People always seem surprised by the way spicy chorizo affects their digestion. Seems like...

No-one expects the Spanish ring excretion!

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It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

What seem to be the trouble

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that

nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now

Doctor: Se...

My pet raven seems to have fallen ill.

I’m worried he caught CROVID-19.

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Juggling seems fun

But i just dont have the balls to do it

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR…

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock! Knock!

On a scale from 1-10 my pain seems to always be Pi

It may be a low level but it goes on forever

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...

...Argon.

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

The US mint seems to be broken

The penny marking machine at the US mint just stopped working for no reason.

It just doesn't make any cents!

Zack Snyder seems to be a good barber

Lots of people liked his cut

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

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"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doc.

"Well," I said, "the entrance to my arse is sore."

"That's probably because you call it the entrance," he replied.

What’s a fairly common work duty that everyone seems to hate, but a pimp might enjoy having?

Doing Inventory.

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

I don’t get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live

Whoops.

If everything seems to be coming your way,

you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

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Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

It seems to me that if we could all live together

we could save a lot of money on rent.

-Roy Clark

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

Dr. Watson: It seems like there are a lot of break ins lately.

Inspector: Any ideas what we should do?

Watson: Sure..Lock..Homes.

Seems like there is always more than one fruit fetishist...

They come in pears.

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Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..

he *did* kill Hitler.

Doctor “What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m not growing any taller” :(

Doctor “You just need to be a little patient”

It seems everyone either loves or hates the Parks & Rec show

I guess you could say it's poehlerizing

I don't know man, seems like you should just die

All my life: Be productive or die

Life right now: Be unproductive or die

Me: What to do?

Government: I don't know man, seems like you should just die

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

I feel bad for my neighbor the lawyer. She seems to be suffering from occupational burnout.

These days she just goes through the motions.

Everyone seems to be really good at spotting large Russian military helicopters....

I guess Hind-sight really is 20/20.

My irrational fear of moving stairs seems to be getting worse.

You might say it’s… escalating.

No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce

They keep telling me it's a lost cos.

Doctor : "It seems you have multiple personality disorder"

Me : " Who? Me or me?"

Nobody seems to talk about the Amazon Rainforest

I thought it'd be a hotter topic by now

Two cows are grazing on the meadow. One of them seems worried.

When the other one asks what's it about, the 1st cow asks : "Aren't you worried, with these stories about mad cow disease being back etc ?"

The second cow laughs and replies "Lol why would I care ? I'm a rabbit!"

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

Waved at my boss while leaving from office. Seems, he wasn't impressed.....

...Next time I think I should use all the fingers.

If there is Adam and Eve, or Adam and Steve. It only seems fair the Eve gets a turn with both...

...That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

My neighbour always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days.

One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I shoul...

They're seems to be a lot of people getting there words mixed up

Their, I said it...

It seems that my kids move at the speed of light

Because when they throw a '5 min' tantrum, it last forever

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

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Life seems to be like a pushy boyfriend

Because even when I'm not in the mood I still seem to get fucked by it

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Me: I can't seem to make full storylines

Then they all died

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

I was sad yesterday, and today seems like it's only going to get worse

It's Sadderday.

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

It seems Like Saudi Arabia

will surely beheading out of the World Cup

Man. I know my wife is athletic and seems pretty quick on her feet...

but why do all my friends keep calling her a cheetah? She ain't that fast.

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Chief SS Officer: "Sir, it seems we are mining too many minerals."

Hitler: "Then mine less minerals."

Grammar Nazi: "Mine **fewer**!"

Hitler: "Yes?"

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Seems the mailman was going to retire...

So, Mrs. Jones told her husband about it because she wanted to do something nice for the guy.

Mr. Jones said "Screw him! Give him five dollars."

So, later that week, Mrs. Jones prepared an elaborate meal and when the mailman came by, she invited him in. She sat him down and served him...

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