My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I’m a cop.

Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..."

"You'll need to have utensils taken out."

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

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So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

My favorite joke is on a fence that seems to always blow away

Dont worry, it gets reposted a lot.

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

10 years ago I went to the opticians for an eye test. He asked to look into this big machine & tell him what I could see. I said I can see a fella eating a bat, closed pubs & everyone seems to be wearing face masks!

The optician said I don't need glasses as I have 2020 vision!

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

Man. I know my wife is athletic and seems pretty quick on her feet...

but why do all my friends keep calling her a cheetah? She ain't that fast.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

So I went to see the Dr. he asks: “And what seems to be the problem?"

A little embarrassed, I replied “ Well I seem to have a small lettuce leaf growing out of my back passage Dr!"

At which point he instructed me to drop my trousers while he had a quick look.

“Mmmm . . . I’m afraid I’m going to have to call an ambulance and have you rushed into hospital...

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

My roommate seems to think that our house is haunted

I've been living here for the past 200 years and haven't noticed anything.

So it seems i lost the cut of beef i was preparing...

...it was a mistake.

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It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

I was sad yesterday, and today seems like it's only going to get worse

It's Sadderday.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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Living in the sewers seems fun

Apparently that's where shit goes down.

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[NSFW]A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

It seems that my kids move at the speed of light

Because when they throw a '5 min' tantrum, it last forever

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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey t...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again...

"Life finds a whey."

If everything seems to be coming your way,

you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Trump’s marriage isn’t as bad as it seems...

He just had a bit of a stormy patch.

A body has been found at Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane's house, in what seems to have been a brutal attack.

Police are saying it's murder on Zidane's floor

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

First day as a vet

Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

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Chief SS Officer: "Sir, it seems we are mining too many minerals."

Hitler: "Then mine less minerals."

Grammar Nazi: "Mine **fewer**!"

Hitler: "Yes?"

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

Darling, it seems I am ready to have children.

- Darling, it seems I am ready to have children.
- OK, honey, but I am still not ready.
- Look, we have to pick them up from grandma's sometime...

Trump seems to be having trouble finding backup music for his rallies lately :/

Poor guy should ask Green Day. Theyd probably let him use American Idiot.

On my street everything seems to be going right

It's a one way street

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to th...

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Two rocket scientists, Dave and Archie, are in the staff kitchen...

Dave is trying to get the toaster oven to work so he can toast their breakfast. Nothing seems to be working. He tried unplugging/replugging it. He tried cleaning it out.

After several minutes, a frustrated Archie finally speaks up.

"Figure it out, Dave!" he says. "It's not sex."

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

I don't know man, seems like you should just die

All my life: Be productive or die

Life right now: Be unproductive or die

Me: What to do?

Government: I don't know man, seems like you should just die

Becoming a dad is stressful.

One day a man walked into a bar;
Bartender: "hello mate, what can I get you? You look quite tense!"
Man: "beer please, my wife is giving birth, she's had one but the doctors say there's more on the way and to keep myself occupied!"

An hour passes so the man uses the public phone in the ...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

It seems everyone either loves or hates the Parks & Rec show

I guess you could say it's poehlerizing

It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground.

A daisy duke if you will.

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."


(Apols if its a repost, it is very old. I first heard it in my kennel)

A little old lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, rea...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

Doctor : "It seems you have multiple personality disorder"

Me : " Who? Me or me?"

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It seems like the world is ending these days

We’ve got all this awful shit just falling from the sky. Climate change, global pandemics, economic crashes, Australian wildfire, elections, Kobe Bryant,

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A couple has been dating for three months in the sex is getting dull

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it...

In our times, it seems very unlikely that Jesus would be nailed to a cross.

He'd rather be screwed.

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

# She slapped me and stormed off!

### Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

It seems I’ve joined a church run by the Thieves’ Guild.

We’ve been reading the Bribe-al.

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The Lady's Ass

A man sits next to a lady in the park, who seems to be a really educated sophisticated woman. The man notices a spider crawling on her ass, so he tells him "oh look a spider on your ass." the woman suddenly turns around and slaps him "You creep! It's not ass. It's 'buttocks'."

After 5 minute...

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Edgy people on reddit are always talking about how the got nothing to lose...

Seems like they forgot about their virginity

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he's temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him u...

My irrational fear of moving stairs seems to be getting worse.

You might say it’s… escalating.

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol ot of the high cshools.

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