UPJOKE
athevowelinofthatwhichonehisforheonanyfromit

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

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How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

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My girlfriend once caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I told her “it’s not what it looks like”.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

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Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

What starts with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter in it?

Envelope

Eric is stranded on an island...

Eric is stranded on an island. He starts hopelessly wandering around and hides behind the bushes when he comes upon a local tribe of cannibals and their cannibal king sitting on a golden throne.

"I'm screwed." Eric whispers to himself.

Then, out of nowhere, appears a wise old man. "No...

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly:"

what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk at the funeral.

( I love my Irish friends, don't kill me)

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.

"No," the Frenchman says, "they are naked and beautiful, they would be French."

"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being wat...

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

What starts with an A and makes up everything?

Amber Heard.

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

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Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?

Have you tried turning them off, then on again?

I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says "Grazie". What do you say to her after that?

Prego.

As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . .

. . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.

I have an IQ of 180

I took the test 3 times and added up my scores

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?

The Spaghetto

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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How to tell the sex of an Orange.

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a Male.


If it's bitter for no fucking reason it's a Female.

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years

I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus.

He approaches the bar tender and says "I bet you a drink that it can play any instrument."

The bartender agrees and walks behind the bar returning with a trumpet.

The octopus examines the instrument for a minute and suddenly begins playing the instrument as good or better than Miles Da...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

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an old man walks into a jewelry store with a young blonde lady

The clerk immediately thinks he is being taken advantage of due to the age difference.
She says to the clerk "Show me an expensive ring." The clerk looks over at the old man and he gives a head nod.
The clerk pulls out a ring and tells her "this one is $50,000 dollars." She says its nice but...

My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, what’s an acorn?" I smiled and explained...

"Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree!"

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

My girlfriend’s dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She appr...

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood donor center.

The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O."

Andrew Garfield, Tobey McGuire and Tom Holland got into an accident upon arriving at a party.

As it turns out, they're terrible parallel parkers.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my ri...

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An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.

The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.

"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."

The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it o...

There once was an engineer and a doctor, but they both loved the same woman.

The doctor would give the woman a rose every day to show his love.

The engineer would give her an apple every day.

This confused her, so she asked the engineer about it.

"The doctor gives me a rose because a rose signifies love, what is this apple supposed to mean?"

The ...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18...

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

An American man gets married to a British woman.

Before the big night, his father tells him "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation. Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation. And finally, I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a ...

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

how do you stop an elephant from charging?

take away its credit card

i tried using an ai to generate a joke with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar"

Two guys walk into a bar.

It's just one, and he's forty.

"what will it be, sir?"

"A water," the guy says.

He takes a sip.

He grimaces and makes a face.

"That's really watery."

"Yes," says the bartender.

I used to work in an art supply store.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

what do you call an invisible protocol droid?

C-through-PO

What do you give an Alien

Some Space

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How do you titillate an Ocelot?

Oscillate it's tits a lot.

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One day an old man is sitting in his porch when a young boy walks by holding some chicken wire

He tells out “What’re you gonna do with that?” The boy replies “Ima catch me some chicken” The man thinks to himself “That can’t be right”. Well about 2 hours later though, the boy comes back with a bunch of chickens tangled in the wire. The next day the man is on his porch and he sees the boy with ...

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

If wanting to be alone makes you an introvert, and wanting to be with people makes you an extrovert,

wanting to be with cats must make you a purrvert.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant
Dead ant
Dead ant dead ant dead ant
Dead ant dead annnnnnt
Dead ant

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator"

I guess we're just raised differently

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

An old man thanks Stalin

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for giving me a wonderful childhood!"

One of Stalin's aides interrupts: "What are you talking about? When you were a child, comrade Stalin wasn't even born yet!"

The old man replies: "and that's why I'm thanking him!"

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".

Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does Abo...

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or l...

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

People tell me I have an alcochol problem.

But I don't, I just go to the store, buy it and be done with it.

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.

He did a number on me.

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage

The fossils are already dead

What do you call an incompetent lawyer?

Senator

I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...

They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

A man walks into his kitchen and sees an Old Priest

The man greeted the priest and said "Good morning, Father. May I know what you are doing in my kitchen?"

The priest replied "Good morning, child. Forgive me for not asking first, but I need to use your stove in order to quickly make holy water for this morning's baptism."

Intrigued by ...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old

Until she checked the freezer

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

what do you call a marine with an IQ of 70?

General!

What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?

Post office

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

What is the difference between an argument with your wife and a knife?

A knife has a point

I get an hour lunch

I live 35 minutes away. Theoretically that gives me just enough time to go home and shower before they realize I’m not coming back.

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

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Paddy’s wife has never had an

orgasm so they go to the doctors.
After tests the doctor suggested Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minutes of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.
I'll...

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

What's the opposite of an Aphrodisiac?

Wedding cake

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

What do you call an Italian cook who steals from his restaurant?

a penne pincher

An electric confession!

A woman is on trial for beating her abusive husband to death with his guitar collection.


The judge asks her "First offender?"


She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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An American politician and a Russian politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house in suburban Virginia. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Russian politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that...

I lost an argument about my posture

I stand corrected

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Finding half a worm

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

Hey kid, you're an orphan right?

Yes sir, what gave me away?

Your parents.

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

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My girlfriend and I have sex an average of twice a week

I have sex zero times a week

she has sex four times a week.

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I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

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Sara goes to the gynecologist for an examination.

She gets up on the examining table with her feet in the stirrups, and the doctor, with his head now between her legs, whispers to himself "My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina.”

“I heard you the first time! How many times must you...

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

Why did the cat have to go to an accountant?

They got caught up in a purramid scheme.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

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A random girl asked me to explain to her what an NFT is

I replied that an NFT is like everyone fucking your wife and using her, but you don't have to worry because you have the paperwork which says you are married to her.

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

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A party of adventurers walks into an inn.

They start ordering rounds of ales one after another, and quickly end up very drunk.

Soon the fighter gets a bit rowdy, spills a guy's drink, and the two get into a drunken brawl. The landlord comes over and separates them, then throws the fighter out of the inn.

Not long after that, t...

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

doctor help, I have an irrational fear of Vietnamese soup.

"OK, that's a Pho-bia."

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

"I'll do ANYTHING for an "A" in this class!"

"ANYTHING?!?" the professor asked.

"Yes," she said, "ANYTHING!"

"Will you . . . . study?"

I heard dogs can't operate an MRI

But catscan

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

Sherlock Holmes constructs an entire door out of lemons

Watson approaches him and asks why he did that

Sherlock replied “ Lemon entry dear Watson”

What do you get when you cross an American with a Russian?

An investigation.

If I could be an animal for one day

I think I'd choose a Thursday.

What do you call an encyclopedia in the fridge?

Cold, hard facts

An old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter…

That if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, an...

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.

The American says, "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!"

The...

An old Harry Potter joke

Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.

“Who is it?”

Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”

Snape: “Sauron?”

Voldemort: “No no, the other one”

Snape: “Vader?”

Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”

Snape, confused: “Hermione??”

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

I got a job at an Indian supermarket.

Finally got me a naan to five.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

An Engineer in Heaven

An engineer up in Heaven was bored because there was nothing to do. But he heard that lots of things were in disrepair in Hell, so he went down there to see if he could help. Sure enough, everything was broken down, and he started tinkering with things. He started fixing one system after another and...

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

An inmate appeals for parole

Judge: Why should you be granted parole?

Inmate: Within the several years that I've served, I have...

Judge: What have you learned thus far during your incarceration?

Inmate: Well I've had plenty of time to reflect which has really taught me that...

Judge: What will happe...

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

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If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.

If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.

an old man and a young women in an elevator

The young woman says, "TGIF"
The old man says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "TGIF" again
The old man lowers his head and says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "Thank God it's friday"
The old man "Sorry honey it's Thursday"

Did you hear what the dyslexic man said when the police shot an unarmed programmer?

"They should have just compiled!!!"

"What did you mean by telling everyone I'm an idiot?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret."

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