UPJOKE
athevowelinofthatwhichonehisforheonanyfromit

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

An original joke from my 6 year old son

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out "Drinks for the House, On Me!"

The newspaper next morning reads 'Irish Ventriloquist Found beaten to Death behind Pub'

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My wife is such an idiot

My wife is such an idiot.She went on a business trip yesterday and took a whole pack of condoms with her.

She doesn't even have a penis.

My Roman doctor said I needed an IV.

I asked: “For what?”

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

What do you call an American in the world cup final.

Ref

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

How does an American cop like their coffee

Black with a couple of shots in it

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A racist, an anti-semite and a black man walk into a bar

“Hey Kanye!”

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva Españ...

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

Whats the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?

Not too sure. I just fly the drone.

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

This is an actual medieval joke from 14th century Florence:

A Florentine had in his home a young man who instructed his children in the elements of knowledge. After a long stay, the young tutor felt himself so much at home that he had in turn the housemaid, the nurse, and finally the mistress herself.

When the master of the house, who was a jovial fel...

What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd?

Shout "is anyone here Irish?"

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.

...The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, "Pretty slick aye, bro? The owner didn't even see me."

Unimpressed, the Maori replies, "Typical dishonest Aussie, bro. I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result."

T...

My girlfriend apologised for not giving me an erection

I told her there were no hard feelings

An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...

An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.

He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."


He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."


He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern dis...

What's the difference between an Irish Wedding & an Irish Funeral?

The funeral has one less drunk.

My boyfriend didn’t believe me when I told him ‘very’ is an adjective

“It’s an adverb!”

Those were his very words.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

An easy way to make money is to take photos of salmon dressed in formal human clothes.

It’s like… shooting fish in apparel.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.



A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

An MI6 agent, a CIA agent, and a KGB agent walk into a bar

[REDACTED]

I think John is having an affair with my wife

Kevin: “I think John is having an affair with my wife.”

Jim: “What makes you think that?”

Kevin: “He is so miserable lately..”

A man approaches an ancient temple seeking enlightenment

He hails the monk guarding the gate, "I have come to seek enlightenment for I know nothing"

The monk perks up, "Greetings, what is your name traveler?"

The man smiles, "I am Steve"

The monk laughs, "Lying so soon?"

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

Two people go into an empty bus...

three go out.

The biologist says: "They reproduced"

The physicist says: "There was a measuring error"

The mathematician says: "Now one has to go in so there\`s noone in the bus"

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A story about a pessimist, an optimist and a realist..

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the tracks.

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere

The genie also magics up a slide, and says to them, "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you."

The Englishman goes first. "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold....

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

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They say a sneeze is equal to 1/16th of an orgasm

If that’s true, it horrifies me to imagine the sound my father makes when he nuts

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students

A pdfile

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

Idk if this joke works. I’m workshopping it

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

“Art of choke me”

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

Did you hear about the guy who traded his car for an old cellphone?

Now he’s got Nokia

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An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily

‌‌

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌...

My girlfriend was telling me about an innuendo contest.

So I entered her.

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

I tried to enter an ugly competition..

and was told sorry no professionals!

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar....



I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.

I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum

She hasn't spoken to me since

An Apple fan walks into a bar....

Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

Henry Winkler sits down on an airplane. The flight attendant comes over and ask him if he would like free head phones.

He responds “Sounds great. But it’s pronounced Fonz.”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

WW1: Because someone shot an Austrian

WW2: Because someone didn’t shoot an Austrian

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A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar...

The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"

The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."

After a few minutes and another...

A man walked into a pet store looking to adopt an animal.

He came upon a parrot that caught his interest. The bird's nametag read "Chet". The shop owner showed him a cool trick the bird was able to do.

"If you take a lighter to his left foot, he will sing a Christmas carol," he said handing him a lighter.

So the man lit a flame under his left...

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

I bought a chicken and an egg off Amazon

I'll let you know.

What happened when the square had an accident?

It became a wrecked angle.

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

Why did the farmer win an award for best actor?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

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Did you know that an American president gave the order to drop two atomic bobs on Japan?

It's Truman

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A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on

The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.

But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Towed

Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They’ve begun using a lettered grading scale:

As are the most rare of purebred koi’s

Bs are the more common variety purebred koi’s

Cs are mix/hybrid koi’s

Everything else are D koi’s

I have the memory of an elephant

When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

A woman in her Kia did not wear a seatbelt and got into an accident

Her body left her Soul.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

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I’m back with another shitty joke for y’all. So an armed man runs into a real estate agency and screams…

NOBODY MOVE!!!

what do you call an orchestra made up of guys who pay for onlyfans?

A Simphony

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-nose?

Depth perception.

An American tourist in Paris is standing near the Eiffel tower, scratching his head.

He says to his wife, “I don’t get it. This is the third time in our lives that we’ve visited Paris and they still haven’t found any oil here.”

What do they call an orgy in Alabama?

A family gathering.

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”

Policeman: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.

A Russia official visits an American official

“Wow, nice car. Where did you the money for this?” Asks the Russian official

“You see that bridge over there?” The American official says and points toward a bridge in the distant

“Yeah, I see it”

“I embezzled some of the fund for that bridge” the American official whispers.
...

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An old man spoke to his wife

He said "Edna, I've witnessed a miracle! Last night when I got up to go to the bathroom, GOD turned the light on for me! And when I was finished, He turned the light off!"

And his wife said, "Harry, you're pissing in the fridge again!"

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

AITA: I went to an orgy last night as a dominatrix and accidentally hooked up with someone else's submissive.

Oops wrong sub

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What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

Answer: The taste.

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Three couples on vacation die together in an accident

They ascend to heaven and fly up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter is waiting for them. The first couple floats up to St. Pete and the husband asks, “St. Peter, do we get into heaven?” St. Peter responds, “Unfortunately, sir, you spent your entire life in the pursuit of money, so much so, that yo...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

Can you take an atheist to church?

You can if they're amenable.

What does the pink panther say when he steps on an ant?

Dead ant
Dead ant
Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

Wanna hear an old British joke?

King Charles III

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them how they pronounce unionized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are captured on an island of cannibals

One of the menasks “what do you plan on doing to us”

The cannibal Chief says “we have a tradition, we’re gonna kill you, eat you, then use your skin for our canoes. But myself and the elders have decided to give you some grace; you can do yourselves in, and you can choose how”

Man #1 s...

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Ah gee. Thanks."

I said "Don't mention it."

I’m in an army of even numbers

It’s a battle against the odds

Twelve signs that you're an idiot:

1. Aries,
2. Taurus,
3. Gemini,
4. Cancer,
5. Leo,
6. Virgo,
7. Libra,
8. Scorpio,
9. Sagittarius,
10. Capricorn,
11. Aquarius, and
12. Pisces

An emoloyee was asked a question by the boss…

“What do you think is the biggest problem in our company? Is it the lack of knowledge or the lack of interest?”

To which he replied: “I don’t know and to be honest, I don’t care.”

an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, trois had a race across the English channel. which cat won?

The English cat, because the Un, Deux, trois cat sank.

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An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

An Italian father wants to give his son a gun for his 18th birthday

"As is tradition in Italy, I'm going to give you a gun for your 18th birthday." The father says.

"But I don't want a gun. What about a nice watch? I would really like a watch, like a Rolex or something." The son replies.

"Son..." The father sighs, "This is an Italian tradition. You're ...

An excited kid rushes home to tell his dad the good news.

He tells his dad he got a part in the school play. The dad congratulates the son and asks what part he got. Son says I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married to the same woman for 25 years. Dad says nice son, just keep at it, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

An 89 year old man goes to the urologist

"Doc," he says, "I need a vasectomy."

"A vasectomy? Why in the world would you need a vasectomy at your age?"

"Well doc, I just married a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and last night she told me she was pregnant! I can't have more kids at my age!"

The doc thought for a second an...

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

An old man cheats on his wife.

His wife catches him at the park with the other women who was also elderly.
She asks him, "What does she have that I don't?"
He answers, "Parkinson's."

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Sometime in the middle ages, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of...

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar

Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts

Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics

Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics

"hearty laughter"

Philosopher: But alas my goo...

AN old man asks to borrow his son's newspaper

The son points out that this is the 21st century, and nobody wastes money on newspapers anymore. He lends his dad his iPad instead.

That spider never knew what hit him.

An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up.

I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.

I walked into the psychiatrist office the other day with a penguin and an ice bear

Got diagnosed with being bipolar :(

An Arabic family moves to Ireland.

This joke is nsfw, it’s very much a joke an older person would tell. it was told to me awhile back so I might have skimmed past a few details.

On their child’s first day in his new school the teachers asks him his name.

“Mohammed, miss” the boy answered.

The teacher being very ...

what’s the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

one’s a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

An interesting fact about karl marx and Olympics

Karl Marx had a sister named Onya that was an Olympic athlete. She is still honored today, her name is invoked at the start of every foot race.

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A boring 747.

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

An Elderly Couple Make an Appointment with a Divorce Attorney

The attorney is perplexed:

“You’re over 90 years old, and you’ve been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?”

The couple look at each other:

“We wanted to wait until the kids died.”

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

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A young tourist sees an old Jewish person praying in Western Wall

They approach him and ask "how long have you been praying here?"
the old man folds his Talit and answer "every day since my Bar Mitzvah so about 40 years".
"so what do you pray for?" they asked.
"for solidarity between jews around the world" he continues " for peace between muslims and jews...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"


The old timer nods knowingly a...

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

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What is the difference between an egg & a wank?

You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a wank.

Al, Ben, and Carl were stranded on a deserted island. One day Al found an old jar in the sand.

When the jar was opened, a genie came out and said to them, "You have freed me from my jar. For the rest of your time on this island, I am obligated to grant each of you one wish per year. But no wishing anyone, including yourself, off the island."

"In that case," said Al, "I wish for 365 boo...

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.

How can you tell an engineer is extroverted?

When speaking to them they look at your shoes.

I read an article about a half-goat, half-man.

But when I saw it was from The Onion I realized that it was satyrical.

An Irish Priest

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in ...

I saw an ad yesterday that said “Radio for sale $1, volume is stuck on full blast.

I said to myself “well, I can’t turn that down.”

So an IT guy is really bad at his job and decides to quit and start a Nu Metal band.

It was named: System Always Down

I want to open an all-you-can-eat Italian restaurant…

I’d call it “Endless Pastabilities.”

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

I'm an armchair psychologist

Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy, a doctor, and an old man were on an airplane with Putin.

Suddenly, the pilot runs in and cries, "The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people," as he runs to the back. The pilot then takes a parachute and jumps out of the aircraft.

Immediately, Putin grabs the nearest parachute, says, "I have a war I must win," and hops off t...

The worst part about an apple addiction…

Is that you can’t go and see a doctor about it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

3 jokes told to me by an older gentleman at the grocery store

Have you heard the one about the jump rope? That’s OK we’ll skip it.

Have you heard the one about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Do you know why blind people don’t skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.

Backstory: I have pretty severe PTSD and things like running t...

An entomologist walks into a bar and orders a grasshopper.

An entomologist walks into a bar and orders a grasshopper. "We haven't seen you in a while. How is your research going?" the bartender asks. "Great. I've actually had quite a breakthrough. I've discovered that praying mantises don't all follow the same religion," the entolomolgist says. "They're in ...

An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.

Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: "Hello coastguard, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!"

There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, "OK ... Vat are you sinking about?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise

when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, what do you have there?”

“Chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says...

Three soviet factory workers were recently arrested...

1 came into work too early and was tried for espionage.

1 came into work too late and was tried for sabotage.

And 1 came in on time, meaning he had an illegally imported western watch.

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