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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , ...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

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As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter

As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"

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What do you call a morgue that doubles as a porn set?

A creamatorium.

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

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A duck had sex with a chicken as the rooster watched with great excitement.

This somehow managed to created a new species, which was named after the rooster. Scientist called this species the “Cuck”.

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

This went on but eventually I folded.

What do computers identify as?

Binary

I used "MyDick" as a password and got this error:

"Try something longer"

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I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....

I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes

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Did you hear that Viagra can be used as a sleep aid?

I took one before bed last night and slept hard.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

One time as a kid, I took my Dad’s voltmeter without his permission…

I got grounded

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show...

Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

The CEO of IKEA was elected as president of Sweden

I hear he's still assembling his cabinet

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

My pot smoking college roommate decided to choose Theology as his major.

He’s now a high priest.

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do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

Viruses mutate over time, take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic, and now it's become an IQ test.

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and...

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

As soon as I entered the classroom I knew I was going to fail my maths test.

So I did a 360 and left.

As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call.

She said, “you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.”

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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I'm a bit concerned as I think my wife might actually be dead.

I mean, the sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. "

That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!

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The mourners looked on aghast as the coffin toppled out of the car.

"We'll have to rehearse that", said the undertaker.

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

You’re not allowed to use ‘beef-stew’ as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

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I'm thinking of leaving the wife as she hasn't been interested in sex since our daughter died, but I can't do it just yet.

The ambulance is blocking my car in.

My parents raised me as an only child,

Which really annoyed my younger brother!

Three autopsy techs are cutting the corpse at the end of a very long day, as tired and underpaid as usual...

Two of them have cut into stomach, the other one is reading the report about the death of the person.

One of them exclaims: 'Oh, meatloaf! And potatoes!' - He grabs a spoon and starts eating straight from the stomach. The other one follows. - 'Daniel, would you?' - 'No, guys, thank you, I...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

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An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

I just made money for the first time as a programmer

I sold my laptop

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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A nice visit to America as German guy

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by..
She saw my penis and shouted 'GROSS!'
I shouted back 'DANKE!'

The journalist asked, "Excuse me, is it true that quantum computing could spell the end of civilization as we know it?"

The scientist replied:

"Yes ... and no. It's a bit uncertain."

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

*Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."*

*"Yes," answered the Rabbi.*

*"Well, Rabbi,...

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I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She reasoned...

"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

Gonna dress up as a vaccine this Halloween

since everyone is afraid of them.

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and b...

Everybody’s so up in arms about Covid, but I see it as progress.

Nothing else made in China has ever lasted this long.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

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What can you say as a teacher, but also during sex?

I'd better wrap this up or you'll miss your next period.

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

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Take these antidepressants, they’ll make everything give you as much pleasure as sex does

And it’s true!

I still don’t get pleasure from anything but now I don’t from sex as well

Superman would have hated Elon Musk as much as Lex Luthor..

because Elon loves his Crypto.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

then Soviet.

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

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As a racist, sexist, homophobe I can safely say...

Nothing.

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist.

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

I just bought a racehorse.

I called it My Face and now I'm watching all the women in the crowd, who had a bet on it, as they scream "Come on my face".

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

A man with really bad eyesight was going for a job as a pilot.

It was his dream job, so he asked a friend how he might get passed the interview, what with his terrible eyesight and all.

His friend said "stick a pin in a tree on the other side of the field from the office. When they ask you about your eyesight say that you're able to see a pin stuck in t...

I get a lot of questions about my job as a cameraman for Naked and Afraid.

“Is it hard?” Yes, always.

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

Irate woman to bus driver as she enters. 'what bus is this' driver 'its number 15 just like it says on the front'. irate woman 'but on the front it says 15, on the side 15a, and on the back 155' . Bus driver

'well I'm not driving backwards or sideways am i?'

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

His boss tells him, "You're needed at 69th Street, Avenue D to repair a man's fence."

Joe goes and repairs the fence.

Joe gets paid and goes back to the company building.

His boss tells him, "I've got a job for you at 69th Street, Avenue...

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

Why is Alberta known as the Texas of Canada?

Because Canadians don't know about Arkansas.

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Two rival pirate captains agreed to blind each other as a sign of peace between their parties

It was an “Aye” for an “Aye”

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

There was a brothel and the workers were all dwarfs. It was losing business though, as the main gigolo had an issue with premature ejactulation

I guess it was just a shortcoming

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

What did the mama Llama say to the baby llama as they prepared for a picnic?

Alpaca lunch

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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

As I thought, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens....

Have you ever realised that when you are listening to music, somewhere in the world there is someone who is listening the same song, the same lyrics, the same syllable as you are.

Then you are aware of FM radio

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My attention span is as long as my dick.

What was I talking about?

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

I have a theory as to why the Cybertruck is taking so long to get in production:

They are experiencing an Elon-gated Delay!

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

I had a prior career as a night time sniper

Every mission was a shot in the dark.

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.


Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

As a joke, I tied my friend up, took him to the middle of the woods, and stuffed his mouth with a cloth so nobody could hear him scream.

I'd say it was a pretty good gag.

Blood is thicker than water, as everyone knows. But some people have started saying water is thicker than blood.

Don't worry though, it's just a viscous rumor.

Why shouldn't you eat mushrooms as an appetiser?

Because it leaves not-mushroom for the rest of your food.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

One of my friend recently started working as a postman

I asked him why are you working for such underpaying job?

He said, "it's not about money it's about sending message"

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

Why did Anakin Skywalker fail as a lawyer?

His arguments didn't have a leg to stand on.

One of the Three Stooges was reincarnated as a popular rapper, but he couldn't hear very well.

Moe's deaf

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wa...

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

As a child, I was afraid of the dark.

Now, when I see the electricity bill, I'm afraid of the light.

What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye?

An Invest-igator

Did you hear about the lawyer who moonlights as a U2 impersonator?

He calls himself Pro Bono.

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

I Identify as Italy in the 1600’s

Baroque

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

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Rapper 50 cent just came out as bisexual…

He’s now called 50/50.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Two men are robbing a liquor store…

One says, ‘Is this whisky?’

‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’

I had a friend who worked as a trampoline salesman for several years. I once asked him how that line of work was…

To which he replied “It has its ups and downs”.

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