For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

First day as a vet

Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

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What's something a guy can say while having sex as well as while playing hide n seek?

Ready or not here I come.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y’know, one would have been enough.

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before it opens. It’s the only gorilla as they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

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What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster l...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

As a gamer I find it strange that Biden was declared the winner...

Trump had way more kills

I dated a girl that has the same birthday as my mother once...

Let me tell you, you do not want to get those gifts mixed up! I got them both a pearl necklace.

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

In America police dogs are known as K9...

In China they are E10.

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

When I die I want to reincarnate as a spider.

That way all the girls can say, "Oh my god, it's huge!"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

‌‌TIL i‌‌n 1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

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A guy goes to see his doctor because he's having an intense as pain in his asshole

The doctor tells him:

"Looks like you have hemorrhoids in your asshole, use this cream and it will help you."

Embarrassed, the guy says:

"Well that's a new experience for me, can you show me how to put the cream on?"

The doctor shows him how to apply the cream, and the gu...

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad

He didn’t show up

As a kid my dad used to always hit me with a camera

I still have flashbacks

Sure, I like to watch M*AS*H* episodes.

But not Alda time.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

"Relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder.

And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in School..?

..or am I just a dreadful Teacher ?

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

My favorite joke as a kid was:

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhinoceros?

Elifino
(Hell if I know)

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

...

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday.....

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What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I am abnned from Subway

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

My blow up doll is ugly as sin

But she always manages to take my breath away

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

As weird as it may sound, I think I’m addicted to religion

I’m a real Cathoholic

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

“This takes me back.”

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

As a young boy, my mother told me I could be anyone I want to be...

Turns out this is called identity theft.

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

They told me I would never make it as a comedian

Well, no one's laughing now

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

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As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

‌‌I w‌‌as f‌‌ucking m‌‌y s‌‌ecretary u‌‌p t‌‌he a‌‌rse w‌‌hen m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌alked i‌‌n

She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!"

I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now... t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn’t seem to scare anyone

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

My parents raised me as an only child...

...which really annoyed my younger brother.

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I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

What’d the doe say as she walked out of the forest?

“Last time I’m doing *that* for two bucks.”

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

I quit my job as an animator

without making a scene.

As a lad I never understood threesome.

Why would I want to disappoint 2 ladies at the same time.

So this a joke I made up one day and my 8 yr old almost died laughing and went in to teach his 2 yr old sister to repeat it as well. It might have been made up before but I swear it came to me on it own. So here goes...

Knock knock


Who’s there?


Dr.


Dr. Who?


Exactly

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January

He Putin his two month notice

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Husband whispers to wife as they're going to sleep

- "Good night, mother of six."
- "Good night, father of one" she replies.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

If I died, and came back as a cowboy, that could very well be considered.....

Reintarnation

Can some please explain to me what it means to identify as queer

Because looked it up and there were no straight answers

I just told my crush that I'm in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother...

I'm just lucky she is from Alabama.

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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

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Have you heard of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm?

He is Sir cum sized!

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Pick up lines change as you get older.

In your 20's - I have an original 1965 Ford Mustang.

In your 40's - I have an original Picasso.

In your 60's - I have my original hips

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

I'm not yet sure which one of these iceboxes to mark as defective.

But I'll cross that fridge when I come to it.

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What did the Japanese legume go as for Halloween?

An edamummy!

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

My family told me I should buy local products. As it's healthier and helps the economy.

I don't know how buying low calorie products helps our economy but okay.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

I've been on Reddit 10 years as of today...

Joke's on me!

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

P: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

As the Stewardess made her way down the aisle...

She looked at me, and asked "Would you like some headphones?"

I replied "Most definitely! And how did you know that my name was phones?"

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeh, I gave 'em my too weak notice

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Mathew McConaughey as a bailiff...

“All rise, all rise, all rise”

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

A stranger approached Nasruddin as he was standing at the crossroads

"Which way to town?" the stranger asked.
Nasruddin pointed to the right.
"And how long will it take to get there?"
Nasruddin stared at the stranger intently and shrugged.
"I know you can hear me!" the stranger shouted. "How long will it take me to get to town?"
Nasruddin shrugged agai...

Im thinking about getting a second career as a reverse truck driver.

You know as a backup job.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed up as an egg.

When I got there I saw this cute girl in a chicken costume!

So I said to her: "Are we going to find out, or what?"

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

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This is a joke from Norway that I've heard, as a Finn I absolutely love it.

A long time ago, there was a man named Toivonen, he had turned 18 and had to face a test about his manhood.

He got 3 challenges:
1. He must drink a bottle of hard booze in one sitting without cringing, flinching, or without a reaction in any way
2. He must shake hands with a live b...

As a nurse, my wife contracted Covid and I thought it was a joke.

But her boss said it is a serious staff infection . . .

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I sexually identify as a Lootbox

I won’t tell you what I’m hiding, it costs too much to open me up, and once you do it’s probably not going to be what you want

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

I live my life the same as someone riding a dolphin

On porpose

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Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

I bet the first thing you learn as a radio salesman is

stereotypes.

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

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If you don't come to my funeral, I'm not going to yours. Simple as that.

tit for tat.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

What is worse than the Incredible Hulk yelling "Hulk Smash!" As he's running at you?

He whispers it in you ear as he's standing behind you

What did the turkey dress up as for Halloween?

Goblin

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