As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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An old Soviet joke

Stalin invited General Zhukov into his office for a conference, and yells at him for 2 hours regarding the war's slow progress.



As Zhukov steps out of the office, he mutters under his breath, "that damn mustachioed son of bitch!"



Unfortunately, he is overheard by Stalin...

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

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Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.


The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do...

I remember as a child my parents filling my head with nonsense such as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy.

Now I dont believe in any of that made up rubbish, thank God.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

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Balls..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant
following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, but the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waite...

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

Jesus said, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”

But Moses came fifth and won a toaster

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Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

Frieza from Dragon Ball Z gets a job as a medical receptionist

After a long day of fighting Vegeta comes into the Dr’s office to get some wounds looked at. As a new patient, Frieza directs him to fill out a hefty stack of new patient paperwork.

After some time, Vegeta brings his finished paperwork to Frieza only to be handed another stack of paperwork. ...

Like my Grandad always said "As one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.

Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

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Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.

The second woman, not finding anything ...

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"

The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.

The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I got a job as a human cannonball.

I was immediately fired.

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

As a farmer, I started feeding my cows marijuana.

But, I had to sell them because the steaks were too high.

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

I used to work as a lifeguard

Until some blue kid got me fired.

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I have a friend who used a cucumber as a dildo but got it stuck for a long time...

Is she stuck in a pickle or is a pickle stuck in her?

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually.... I folded.

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid...

Man she really wanted a daughter.

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

My IT admin says I can't use "beef stew" as a password...

He says it isn't Stroganoff.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

If you go in the bathroom as an American, come out of the bathroom as an American, what are you inside?

European

I was fired from my job as a submarine helmsman today.

As to why? I just can't fathom.

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Why does the bride smile as she's walking down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blowjob.

As one door closes

And incognito window opens

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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."


Priest : "What have you done my child?"


Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."


Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"


Girl : "Because he touched my hand."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he t...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

Me in Heaven: Damn this place nice as hell

God: Nice as what?

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

My girlfriend just told me that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I have some breaking news for her.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

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My friend was grieving the loss of her pet cat so I decided to give her a cat exactly the same as hers

Instead of thanking me, she just screamed in my face “what the fuck am i supposed to do with 2 dead cats!?”

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town....

..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

As the old vegan proverb goes

“You can’t make an omelette”

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.

I’ve just been fired from my job as a zoo keeper at my local zoo....

....all the signs said “Do Not Feed The Animals”

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

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As a sex education teacher, I know that the semen in the average male ejaculation has about 20 calories.

But I tell my daughter that there are 350 calories in it.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

What do bees dress up as for Halloween?

Boo-bees

Don't think of this as the hottest summer of the last 125 years.

Think of it as the coolest summer of the next 125 years.

The local farmer was voted in as mayor of his town.

The community always found him out-standing in his field.

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

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You know you can build a thousand bridges and NEVER be known as a bridge builder...

But you fuck ONE goat...

I once connected all my watches together and used them as a belt...

It was a waist of time.

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.

I start my new job as a street cleaner today.

There's no training, you just pick it up as you go along.

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A Russian dictator is stuck for an excuse as to why he shouldn't resign...

"Hey! Quit Stalin!"

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

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After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day.

After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.<...

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM

...still nobody texts me

I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

What do you call a male pirate who identifies as a female pirate?

Transgendaarrrr!

Im fat but i identify as skinny

Im trans-slender

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

On his first day out in the country, Tim wandered into a fishing shop. The shop had a help wanted sign, so Tim asked the owner for a job.

“What do you know about fishing?” the owner asked him.

“Nothing,” Tim replied. “But I used to be a stock broker, so I am sure that I am smart enoug...

When Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian as a kid everyone laughed.

No one is laughing now

Imagine living as islamophobe in muslim country

You keep losing your head over something stupid.

I tried to get a job as a professional band aid remover.

But I couldn’t pull it off.

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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As my girlfriend unwrapped the condom, all eyes were on her.

She suddenly stopped and stared at me. "What the fuck?" she shouted. "You call this a birthday present?"

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

Little Johnny is sitting in class not paying attention as usual when the teacher calls on him

“Ok Johnny, if there are five birds sitting on the fence and the farmer shoots three how many are left?”

Johnny thinks about it and says “There will be zero left, because the gunshot would have scared them all away!”

“No Johnny there will be two left, but I like the way you think.”
...

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

This happened in my Debate class today as we were discussing politicians...

Student A: I hate politicians. Kill 99% of them and I wouldn’t care. Just don’t touch my man Bernie Sanders.

Student B, immediately, without skipping a BEAT: Oh so does this make Bernie part of the 1%?

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

My wife recently confessed that while she still loves me, she has fallen in love with someone else as well. I want what’s best for her, so after many long talks, I said I thought they should get married as well.

I thought that was mighty bigamy.

A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

A lot of psychics refer to themselves as mediums

You seen some of these gals? More like a large amirite

I always used to get free coke as a 7 year old.

But I ended up in jail while asking as a 21 year old.

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I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?

When it reigns it pours.

I added princess Diana as a profile on my Xbox

But unfortunately she's only on the dashboard

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

Dear God: As we approach 2020

Feel free to fulfill that 2012 Prophesy

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

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When you're having sex...just as you reach Nirvana, but before you have The Offspring, what do you make?

Pearl Jam

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

I did not last more than a day as a teacher in Spanish-American school for mentally challenged

Apparently” Buenos, tardes!” is not an appropriate greeting

What did one nut say as he was chasing another nut?

"I'm a cashew!"

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

I want to be as strong as Rocky Balboa

So i beat my meat every day

I wanted to put "calligraphy" as a skill on my resume.

I decided against it since it probably looks better on paper.

The management at my laundromat has been having some issues lately, and as a result, have been slow on getting items back

I need my suit on Sunday so I hope they've ironed things out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on his first day as a crewman of a pirate ship

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg,...

My 24 year old sister is worried about keeping a man around as a single mother of two

Recently she's been seeing this older gentleman that she's worried about scaring off because of her kids. I keep telling her there is nothing to worry about, he was really sweet to me when I was younger. He loves kids

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?

It’s butt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

„I would rather have 100 nazis as costumers than one foreigner.“

-James, 52, mortician

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

"I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you th...

As the doctor conducting your STD tests..

I want to congratulate you on your positive results!

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

My great-grandma told me this joke as a kid and it is by far my favorite kid-friendly joke of all time (I’m also aware of just how corny it is and I don’t care)

There was a country called Raberia, and all the people there were called Rabbis. There was this one Rabbi who wanted to go mountain climbing in this other country called Trideria, and all the people there were called Trids. So he hired two Trids to take him up the mountain and away they go. After a ...

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