This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

‌‌I w‌‌as f‌‌ucking m‌‌y s‌‌ecretary u‌‌p t‌‌he a‌‌rse w‌‌hen m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌alked i‌‌n

She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!"

I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now... t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

My wife treats me as if I'm a god.

She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said...

“You know, one would’ve been enough!”

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod.
2. I am allowed to make dad jokes.
3. I am a certified mother fucker.

I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow

But he's outstanding in his field!

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...


“What did you just call it?” I asked.


“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are He/Hee

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Now ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex

To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

Click here to get rickrolled

>!You!< >!probably!< >!expected!< >!a!< >!rickroll,!< >!but!< >!NOBODY!< >!EXPECTS!< >!THE!< >!SPANISH!< >!INQUISITION!<

Thanks for all the upvotes! As long as the majority of you liked this i can ignore any critic in the comme...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.

Luckily my older brother told me about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.

I don’t know what to make of it.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought “oh shit” as I realized I hadn’t been paying attention and was only doodling for the past hour.

My mom was right, I really am a shitty tattoo artist.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

As of today, I've been 50 days free from cigarettes. A friend offered me a pack.

I burned them.

Why is great to have garbage men as my video game teammates?

They are used to carrying trash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you’re watching porn, and you finish right as it shows the guy’s dick?

Dishonorable discharge

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my sex as i like my steak

Rare

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

My wife and I had an argument as to which is the most important vowel.

I won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day...

But luckily, my boss told me that I could wipe the slate clean.

I've just been diagnosed as color blind

It really came out of the purple

I get to open the time capsule I buried as a child tomorrow!

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

I walk to the sperm bank reception and say: "here it is" as I hand the sample to the receptionist

She responds with "thank you for coming"

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

My Mother informed me today that she now identifies as my father.

I thanked her for being transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

What did sideshow Bob work as after he got fired from being a clown?

A bartender

What do you call a snowman dressed up as a cop?

Just-ice.

What is Peter Pan known as in Asia?

Peter Wok

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

What's it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

reintarnation.

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

My gf broke up with be because I came out as a furry

Big woof

I enjoy playing outside as a kid. My brother would roll me down the hill in an old tire.

Those were Goodyears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy...

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

One of my earliest memories as a child was getting to meet the pope,

It was a touching experience.

What was Beethoven's favorite game as a child?

Hayden seek.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

A lizard and a monkey sit on a branch,looking at the river as the smoke pot

After smoking so much pot,the lizard tells the monkey“oi,I’m gettin pretty thirsty,all this pot is getting the better of me,ill go down to the river for a drink!”The monkey nods as the lizard goes to the river.
When at the river,he spotted a crocodile as he drank.“Hi lizard,how you doin?”The croc...

Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals.

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

Burglers broke into my home and I helplessly watched as they went through my belongings

Both of us were afraid to call the cops

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was building an impenetrable fortress and as I laid the last brick I thought to myself,

"oh shit, how am I supposed to get inside"

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Humour as dark as a black man

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?


None he fell

I've started disguising landmines as temple doormats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out sex life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.

And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope

for a smoking hot body.

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

My girlfriend and I were arguing as usual. She said "It's either me or your obsession with pointing out doors?"

I said "Well if you don't like it; the door is there".

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Van Gogh wasn’t known as a modest man

Or did the compliments just go in one ear.......

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a couple months back, I was invited to a costume party. I decided to go dressed as a pile of human excrement.

Needless to say, I was the shit that night

Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks

and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want

Which is why I only open factories in China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

What did the Rabbi say as he was finishing up a circumcision?

It won't be long now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila.

"You're coming home now!" She screamed

"No, I'm not," I laughed

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

My friend said he’s going to a fancy dress party as a small island off the coast of Italy

I said “don’t be Sicily”

A committee was deciding to honor either Mendel, Linnaeus, or Darwin as the most important biologist of all time.

They naturally selected Darwin.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

What did Zeus pick as Mount Olympus’ national anthem?

Greeced Lightning.

Any out-of-work wilderness guides out there with cringeworthy jokes? As a river guide, I always liked:

“This is the only place you can find these particular rocks in the whole world!” and “Look, you can see a planet, right now!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a true God fearing Catholic man, there are only two things I hate in this world....

Homosexuals and super hot attractive young men.

I got diagnosed as colorblind

Now i'm feeling purple

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents raised me as an only child ...

which really pissed off my brother

The l‌‌ocal c‌‌harity r‌‌ealized t‌‌hat i‌‌t h‌‌ad n‌‌ever r‌‌eceived a‌‌ d‌‌onation f‌‌rom t‌‌he c‌‌ity's m‌‌ost s‌‌uccessful l‌‌awyer.

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harit...

Why should we have a DeLorean as a second car

We could drive it from time to time!

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

School.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

I love using my wall clock as a frisbee...

Time really flies by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a knight who's working as a porn actor?

Sir Camelot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I identify as a large land mass.

Does this make me transcontinental?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of fighters from the Roman Colosseum were hired out to rich Romans as prostitutes. One so impressed an influential Roman noble with his oral skills that she began to work on getting him freed.

In the end he was gladiator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I masturbate loud as hell.

If you don’t like it you can go to another Wal-Mart.

As told by my son. The student has become the dad joke master.

While eating porkchops out back.

Me: Hey, you want a bone to chew on?
Son: Gnaw bro.

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck

My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

Because he had a vowel movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?

WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.