I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a brick,

cuz I'm always hard and only been laid once.

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

I was once taught that stealing will result in karma

I was skeptical until I discovered r/jokes.

I once heard a Russian roulette joke.

It unexpectedly blew away my mind.

I once got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I'll use 1 ply toilet paper

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

I dated a ghost once.

But she was kinda possessive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man who had just recently lost his arm.

He hated having lost an arm and was struggling with depression from it,

one day he was out walking when he saw a man who had lost both arms,

the man was dancing, swinging his body around, so he asks the man,

"I recently lost my arm and I'm so sad because of it, how come that you...

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

A ghost threw a ball at me once

At first i was confused......





and then it hit me...

I once got in a photo with R.E.M

Yeah, that's me in the corner

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

Why can’t you have more than 99 people listen to toto’s Africa at once?

Its something that 100 men or more could never do

I was once a man trapped in the body of a woman

Then I was born

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”

“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 time...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.

How dairy.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"

Neighbor: ...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

A boiled a funny bone once.

It turned into a laughing stock. It was humorous.

I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sales man once went to Japan for business

A sales man once wemt to japan for business. He decided to visit a bordello because he got word of the japanese special capabilities in the love making area. So he went into a room with a lady and they got into the stuff, and in the heat of the moment the lady kept shouting
Machigatta ana,
M...

I lost my balance once and fell down an up escalator.

It was the most embarrassing two hours of my life.

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once part of a 10v1. It was a hard-fought battle

We eventually managed to beat down that fucker.

Someone once challenged me to tell a joke about beavers

I told them: Dam, I can’t .

I once tried to teach cooking at a homeless shelter,

But it was difficult to get the attention of the entire state of California.

I once tripped on a pickle.

I'm over it now but it was a big dill at the time.

I once knew a homeless man named Cuatro Cinco. He would stand on the corner all day yelling, "Count 1,2,3... Count 1,2,3!!!"

One day I asked him,"Why should I count 1,2,3?"

He replied, "Because, Cuatro Cinco says!"

A native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

I once impersonated a drunk driver...

...the cops, DA and the judge all totally fell for it.

I dated a magnet once

she was very attractive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a Hooker once as to how much she gets paid for an Anal.

She said $1000.


I felt bad for my Wife. She doesn't even get a warning.

I once dated a girl who had a pink seashell tattoo on her inner thigh.

It was pretty, when you put your ear on it you could smell the ocean.

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life.

I once auditioned as a playbunny.

Now I can’t come near the petting zoo anymore.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden

Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.

One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained. Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While playing in my local basketball rec league, I once thought that my next game would be against the Boston Celtics.

I was proven wrong once the game started and I got a good look at the opponents. They wore grey instead of green. Likewise, Kemba Walker, Jayson Tatum, Gordon Hayward, and Jaylen Brown were nowhere to be found.

Instead, I found myself face-to-face with a bunch of stinky, over-weight neckbea...

A car hit me once

but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

what do you call a movie set that was only used once?

Seldom Scene

I once finished 2 marathons in 2 minutes.

then they changed the name to Snickers..

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

A bird shat on me once

I dumped her immediately

There was once a cyclops living in a cave on an island ...

The cyclops loved himself a good meal of human meat. He ate many a people.

Once, a young man came to the island to kill the cyclops. The cyclops had, to say the least, a lot of trouble killing the young fellow.

At one point the cyclops asked, in his rage: Who are you?

The man re...

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Once, two kids (a boy and a girl) of grade 2 went to the staffroom.

The boy curiously asks his teacher, “Sir, is it possible for kids to have children???”

The teacher smiles and says, “No, my dear...!”

The boy then turns towards the girl and says:

“See, I told you not to worry...!!”

Teacher faints.

I once put ketchup up my nose to emulate a bad nose bleed.

It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

Beethoven and Bach were once composers.

Now they are decomposers.

Dated a blind girl once..

It didnt work out, we didnt see eye to eye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put glitter and sparkles on a turd once

It was pretty shit

Once in a small town, a man got a paralysis attack.

The doctor said he could possibly be bedridden for a long time. The expenses of the hospitalization put him and his wife in a bit of tension. Their son still had his entire life left in front of him. The son also looked very sad and scared.

The doctor, sympathized, and gave the son a lotto ti...

I once dated a Chinese vexillologist, but I had to break it off.

Too many red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit

They were out in the forest when the bear attacked the rabbit. All of a sudden the spirit of the forest appeared and said, “STOP! I will grant you both three wishes.”
The bear said, “my first wish is that I’d like to be the only male bear in the forest so i could have all the females.”
The rab...

There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."

Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidently sent a dick pic to my boss once.

Imagine my embarrassment having to explain that I actually meant to send it to his wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This weekend I'm curing my masturbation addiction once and for all...

Either I'm going to beat it, or I'm going to beat it.

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

My mother once called me a son of B**ch

So I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, and then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then she hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

I got in trouble on a date once, I didn’t open the car door...

...and instead I just swam to the surface

I once new a guy who loved tractors, but one day he sadly fell off his tractor and broke his arm and vowed to never go near a tractor again.

A few months later after coming home from a night out with his friends and with his buddy in tow, he arrived home to find his house on fire.

He immediately rushed inside took the deepest breath he could and inhaled all of the smoke, and all of the flames.

His now bewildered friend aske...

Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

A patient once told me that he had imposter syndrome.

I told him he was just faking it.

There once was a man in New York

He decided one day to go out in his yard and start digging hoping he’d find something, he dug about 10 feet down and found some copper wiring. So he concluded that 100 years ago New York had the worlds first telephone system. He then decided to post about it on the internet. A man in California saw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a 6ft tall cockroach

This cockroach goes to some lady’s house and rings her doorbell. When she answers, the cockroach kicks her in the shin. The news of this is put in the newspapers. The next night, the same cockroach goes to another house and knocks on the door. This time, when a guy answers the door, the cockroach pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had sex with a blind girl. She said I had the biggest penis she had ever layed her hands on.

She must have been pulling my leg.

I once fell in love with and encyclopedia.

I was completely in-fact-uated.

I tried oscillating once

But I’m not a fan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The do...

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dated a German girl once

but it's really unnerving when I tried to have sex she kept shouting her age.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened th...

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

My waiter once brought me the wrong order

I guess that was a server error

I was addicted to the hokey pokey once...

but then I turned myself around.

I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

I heard a great joke on the Sims once.

Ba shlurgch humar?

DORCH!

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

I had a favorite fish once.

She would come and visit me in the same spot each day when I was diving until suddenly she disappeared. I was devastated! I lobster! But luckily I flounder.

I quit smoking once for six years after buying a forty two cent box of toothpicks...

...after six years they were pretty gross so I started smoking again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once met a guy with a cashew fetish.

He was fucking nuts.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I once visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

I asked him, "Are you the friar?"

He said, "No, I'm the chip monk.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a king who had a very promiscuous wife.

Having severe doubts on her, he decided to confirm his doubts by performing a test. He hid a tiny blade in his wife's vagina. A few days later, he inspected the penis of everyone inside the palace. And sure enough, there was a cut on everyone's penis, except for the king's minister. The king was dee...

My physics teacher once told me that I've lot of potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said,...

I once dated a baker...

but found her too kneady.

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...

There once was a man who drove a train for a living...

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he w...

Yesterday I ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

A wise man once gave 2 secrets to a happy life...

A wise man once gave 2 secrets to a happy life...

1. Never give out the full information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a scientist who found he could raise his IQ by masterbaiting

It was a stroke of genius

A wise old man once told me something very important about paying attention to what people are saying.

No idea what it was he said, but I found a funny meme on Reddit so I have no regrets.

I started a revolution once.

But I got dizzy, so i stopped.

There once was a very honest man...

He was the most honest man around.

Or so he thought.

One day, he was seduced. It was the most beautiful woman ever.

But there's a problem:

He was married.

Being so honest, and to save face, he decided to tell his wife the truth.

So he waited in his home for ...

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

A book once fell on my head...

I only have my shelf to blame.

There once was a girl from Kent...

...whose nose was slightly bent. One day we suppose...she followed her nose...

...cuz nobody knows where she went.

I once worked at a slaughterhouse and saw a pig get killed

I never sausage a thing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a cannibalistic Japanese serial killer who killed and ate my mother. I asked why he would do such a thing.

He said, I just love the taste of Umami.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

**She didn’t know I existed.**

I attended a comedy seminar once... It was horrible, they needed more trees.

Because comedy comes in trees.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.