This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my parents having sex once.

Most awkward 30 minutes of my life.

Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill, "If I was your wife, sir, I would poison your coffee."

To which Churchill replied, "If I was your husband, I would drink it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was once in the Guiness Book of World Records

But the librarian made me take it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

I was kidnapped by Mimes once

They did unspeakable things to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once saw a pirate woman with an amazing butt.

I'd say she was thicc with 7 C's.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…

I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

Chuck Norris and Superman once had an arm wrestling contest

Loser has to wear his underwear above his pants.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

I once had a dog with no legs. His name was Cigarette.

Every morning I'd take him out for a drag.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

I was once accused of having a Foot fetish…

…but that’s a lie. I much prefer the Metric system.

An American radio station once rang the British Embassy, and asked the ambassador what would be his ideal Christmas present.

He thought: ”I’d better not say anything extravagant or expensive, like a Rolls-Royce, because if they gave me something like that it would cause a scandal.” So he said: “A box of crystallised fruits.”

A couple of days later, in a holiday special, the station announced: “We asked amba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fortune teller once told Hitler he would die on a Jewish festival.

"How do you know" asked Hitler.

The fortune teller replied "Any day you die will be a Jewish festival."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…

….and Michael had a penis.

I once had a relationship with a blind woman

It was very rewarding but also quite challenging.

It took me *ages* to get her husband's voice right.

Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger.

When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it.

The conductor said, “Dr. Ein...

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement



Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk

He was Sidewalking along the pavement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give a man a fish, and he will eat once.

Teach a man to fish and you can fuck his wife while he’s fishing.

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ive bought a really shitty thesaurus once.

not only was it terrible, it was terrible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that shit again!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!”
The teacher e...

i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.

still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.

COVID-19 has been around for 2 years now and I haven't even caught it once!

Even a global pandemic doesn't want me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

I was once in a band called "1023MB”,

I thought we had potential, but we just couldn't get a gig.

Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

I once walked by a poster that said "Say no to drugs!"

I'm pretty sure if you're talking to drugs you already said yes, but that's not really my problem

I Once met a old man who said he took down 23 planes on WWII

he was the worse mechanic i've ever seen

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once made love to a woman with twelve breasts...

Sounds nice, *doesn't it*?

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once got fired from a clock factory.

and after all those extra hours I put in...

And then I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

And then I got fired from the calendar company. I put in 8 days a week and they were PISSED!!!

I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia.

Eventually, she came to her senses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

Once as I was a child my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

I almost had a threesome with a mom and a daughter once

Too bad my sister decided to back out.

I saw a crippled man in a wheelchair at a gas station once.

He bought a couple of scratch off lottery tickets, scratched the surface with his coin, and shouted with glee, “I won ten thousand dollars!”. Well I was broke, and I needed gas money to get to my shift at work. I asked the crippled man, “excuse me sir? Is there any possible way I could have ten doll...

I once overheard two physicists debating over the mass of subatomic particles..

They were mass-debating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon the time in a kingdom

Once upon the time in a kingdom far far away, lived a king and his beautiful but unfaithful hot queen.
For unknown reason, the barbarian invaded. Before the king rush to the border with the army, he puts a specially designed chastity belt on his wife and took the key with him.
This chastity be...

My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens."

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

I once met an Olympian athlete.

I asked him - Are you a pole vaulter? He replied - No, I'm German but how did you know my name is Walter?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

Once you have seen.....

Once you have seen one shopping centre

you have seen the mall

My buddy Mark stole my dictionary once

As he was running away I yelled “Mark my words!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip

The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"

I tried to wear skinny jeans once

I couldn't pull 'em off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried Phone sex once.....

but the holes were too small...

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

I once had a girlfriend who was crossed-eyed…

…We broke up cause she was seeing someone else.

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights

That's quite the crack shot

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I was dating an older woman once

I told her to act her age and she died.

I once worked as a horse trainer.

It was a stable job.

I once took a test on waving signal flags.

They told me I passed with flying colors.

I once tried dating in China and Turkey

It didn't work out, there were a lot of red flags everywhere

There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.

The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!

then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!

Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

I saw a kid crying in the corner once. I asked it where are your parents, it cried even more.

Man I love working at an orphanage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Once Descartes went to a coffee shop

Waitress: Sir, Do you want one more coffee?
Descartes: Umm..I think not.
-----He suddenly disappears-----

I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ...

a security guard wandered over to me and said “sir you can’t wear that in here”

You can tell a girl she's pretty 1000 times & she'll never remember it, but if you call her fat just once she'll always remember it.

Elephants never forget.

There was once a boy

Forgive me for my bad english, its my second language. Feel free to give corrections if there are any

There was once a boy who treats everyone garbage, making fun of someone by who they are in the outside. His mother didn’t approve this behavior and told to his son that it was not right to ri...

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

Once upon a time, I picked up some walnuts and a nutcracker at Walmart

But enough about where I met my wife

What does Poseidon get when he swims too far at once?

Ocean splints!

Once in ancient Athens a man walked into a tailor’s shop

“Eumenides?” The man asked the tailor
“Euripides?” The tailor asked the man

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

A drunk guy once ran out of wine and saw a church

So he decided he would ask a priest for some, but to appear less suspicious that he was drunk, he stood up straight and walked in. He saw a priest reading a bible, approached him and politely said, "Hello Father, may I please have some wine? I will surely pay you back tomorrow." And the priest looke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

I once tried to eat a clock.

it was pretty time consuming

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish...

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

My grandpa was the wisest and once told me that when you do what you love you never work a day in your life and he is so right!!!

I love drugs!

My friend told me he once got stoned and licked a million guys nuts.

He was very high per ball lick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public

That will be his last resort

I once dated a girl who was a fitness freak

It didn't last long, our relationship didn't work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

I got pulled over once and the cop asked me if I knew what the speed limit was...

... Apparently, "I'm not sure, officer. I only tested it up to 115 mph so far, but then you pulled me over" was not the correct response.

I once got into a fist fight with a pirate...

He had mean right hook.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

I once asked a Magic 8 Ball why I couldn't get my email

It responded "Outlook not so good."

A woman once asked me about golden showers.

“Urine over your head,” I replied.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

My dietitian once told me "You are what you eat."

That was his last words though, I am a dietitian now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch.

Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."

Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

Mongols once launched a naval invasion on Java but failed....

They sucked at C

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me masturbating would make you go blind.

I had to contain my laughter as he was facing the wall saying it.

Once a man met the great chessmaster Gary Kasparov on a plane seat beside him

The grandmaster says "would u like to play a game of chess for a $100 per game?" The man replies "I know who you are mate I would never be able to beat you". Gary thinks a bit and says "I will play with my left hand" the man accepts.


Afterwards when he recites his story to his wife he sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(caution, horrible joke) I once asked an employee of a Pepto factory if they had a secret ingredient.

He told me it was none of my bismuth.

A backpacker finds a small village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny bar

He walks into the bar and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 7!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

I once had a dream where I was in an ocean full of orange soda.

Actually no, it’s not a dream.

It’s more of a fantasy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once I got so sunburned

Once I got so sunburned I went to the ER and they gave me aspirin and Viagra. The aspirin to reduce my fever and the Viagra to help keep the sheets off my legs.

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

Mahatma Gandhi was once thrown out of an Indian bakery. Not surprising really . . .

He was widely known for being naan-violent.

What did Sherlock Holmes say to his sidekick once they had found the stolen Sandstone statue?

It's sedimentary my dear Watson!

I once met a girl who had confused Krazy Glue for KY Jelly.

I asked her how she did it, but sadly, her lips were sealed.

Once there was a young boy, around 8 years old, who lived in a village at the bottom of a hill. On top of the hill was a temple where monks lived.

One day, he heard a strange sound coming from the top of the hill. Curious, he walks up the hill and knocks on the giant doors at the front of the temple. The head monk answers the door and asks what he can do for the kid. However, when the kid asks what the sound was, he simply replies, “I can’t te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy...

I told her I was more into anal and feet. Now I’m banned from KFC.

I once had a date with a girl.

In retrospect, it wasn't enough food for two people.

I went to a neurosurgeon who was once a demolitions expert

He blew my mind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog ate all my scrabble tiles once.

His next shit spelt disaster.

Once, there was a man

Once there was a man, this man had a problem. Because of this problem, he decided to go to a psychologist. He got in the car and went to the psychologist. She went inside and sat.

Psychologist: "tell me. What kind of trouble are you having?“he said. He said, " Every time I try to sleep, I ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

I once hired a limo

*I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off!*

*I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?"*

*The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver…*

*… so I'd spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs. I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

Twenty years ago...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my wife cut down our sexy time to once a month!

but i guess i should feel lucky

some guys i know she cut off completely!

I went out with a girl who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around.

I told her, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time a turtle went on its way to school, but when it got there, they already had gone out on vacation.

NOTE: I’m not native English speaker. Sorry about the posible mistakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

Once a woman from a big city...

Once a woman from big city got married to a man who used to live in the forest with his tribe. That man was illiterate and have never been to a city before and the same goes for his tribe and his family.
After the marriage, the woman moved to his husband house in the village.
On her first mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper..

But it wouldn't take shit from anybody

There once was a boy named Anonymous...

People always asked him if he wanted to change the name his parents gave him, to which he would always smile and reply,
"No, I wish to remain Anonymous."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once shared a bed with a narcoleptic that had IBS.

She was a shit sleeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.