Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."
...

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...

That's me in the corner.

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

## Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie?

“Gladiator?”

“No, I really miss her.”

I once had a boyfriend in kindergarten

Then he got fired.

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I was once getting a hand job from a blind girl

She said "this is the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on"
I said "no, you're just pulling my leg!"

Normally I go out on a Tuesday evening, but for once I was at home and the phone went at about 7pm

I picked it up, listened for a few moments, then said "Why are you asking me? You can get the weather off the Internet easily enough!" and I put the phone down kinda crossly.

"What was that?" my wife asked.

I shrugged. "No idea. Just some dumbass wanting to know if the coast was clear....

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

I stole a boardgame once

It was a Risk I was willing to take

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

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Yes, I cried during sex once.

But my girlfriend and the man she was having sex with eventually noticed me outside the window.

I once farted in an apple store.

They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.

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I tried out for a porno once, but I didn’t get the part...

A lot of stiff competition

Once I was a male trapped in a female body..

Then I was born.

A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks ..

... it's undercooked"

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Once when I was younger, my sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

A couple of days later, I walked in on her while she was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

There once was a wise old man...

There once was a wise old man in a village. Old beyond memory, he channeled the knowledge of nature and the divine for his fellow townsfolk.


Many came to him with questions, until one day he took a vow of silence, shuttering his open door. Instead, he turned to his untended field. He wou...

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I once fucked a blind woman

She never saw me coming.

My mom once told me, “Giving birth to you was the best day of my life...

...once the Epidural kicked in.”

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

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“There once was a priest from Illinois,

Who liked to touch all the boys.

He ran from the co..”

“God damnit Bob the ‘s’ in Illinois is silent, so your fuckin joke doesn’t rhyme and the shit ain’t funny”.

TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a topless women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

I tried telling a chemistry joke once

But i got no reaction

I worked at a deodorant factory once

Until they canned my job

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I once had sex with a girl who performed a brain transplant

She really knows how to give head

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A Philosopher once said...

Condoms are for fucking pussies.

I fell through a window once...

It was quite the pane-ful experience

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!

Once, a lawyer dies and goes to hell.

As usual.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian.

So I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine

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[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They had to use his foreskin to make new ones...

You could say he was a little cockeyed!

I once knew a very humourless kleptomaniac.

He always took things literally.

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Every once in a while something comes along which causes some people to rethink their sexuality.

Like prison.

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...



As they were busy looking around,

doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...



As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :

"Man! I'm the best thief ever,

I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. Yo...

I once dated a clairvoyant.

But it ended when she said she was seeing my great Grandfather.

I once tried to write a paper with voice recognition software...

When I was in primary school, my IEP wanted me to start using voice recognition software to write my assignments (since I could not type with my hands). The first assignment that I used this software on was a paper on corn (the unit we were on at the time was farming and ag. and all that kind of stu...

Once you've seen one shopping plaza,

you've seen the mall.

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Every kid has done this at least once in their life

Billy: Mommy I don't feel good,I think I have measles, a fever, and the corona virus!

Mom: Oh honey-

Billy: Mom I think I am even going blind in my right eye! I have a headache, chicken pox to!

Mom: Ok should I-

Billy: Mom, I think I can't go to school today

Mom: I...

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The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

Once there was a foster kid named Jumprope

No one through YEARS of guessing and thinking could figure out why on earth his birth parents would give him such a dumb name. They finally figured out why when he took a DNA test to figure out his ancestry, both of his parents were from the Netherlands. He was double dutch.

I tried carpentry once. I started by trying to nailing some old, reclaimed wood together. I wasn't successful so instead I just though...

Screw it.

A Bus conductor once commited a very brutal crime and was sentenced to be electrocuted but he survived the electrocution even after multiple unsuccessful attempts

Because he was a bad conductor

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

Once there was a small town

Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the f...

My wife said we should have a cheat day once a month while we are dieting...

Apparently it only involved food

A cop tried arrest me for indecent exposure once.

He had to let me go due to lack of evidence.

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I once met a very horny judge

He tried really hard

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye

Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.

I once payed a weightlifter $150 to give me a handjob.

What a rip-off.

There once was an Irishman named Paddy who was a regular at his local pub

Every day he would come in and order himself 3 pints, “one of me brother Seamus in America, one for me brother Liam in Australia, and one for me.”

One day Paddy came into the pub and ordered two pints instead of the normal 3. The pub went quiet and everyone turned solemn. The bartender slow...

I made a belt out of watches once.

It was a waist of time.

I once had a dream that my parents didn’t love me

Then I fell asleep

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

Once you violin

You can't violout

I once had a pet fish that could breakdance on the carpet

He died doing what he loved

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I once had an unexpected run-in with a guy with a premature ejaculation problem.

He just came out of nowhere.

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

Once my dad kicked the bucket, our family wasn't able to financially support ourselves anymore.

Turns out treating a broken toe costs a lot of money.

My grandma once said to me...

"Come here Sonny"

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Just get over here."

"I went over to her and she said,"Here's $5 and don't tell your mother I gave it to you."

I told her,"Its going to cost you more than that."

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.

He was a real fun guy.

Once upon a time

there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The...

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

I went to a children's petting zoo once.

So many angry parents.

A vegan once told me.....

A vegan once told me that eating meat was gross..... I then replied a man who sells fruit and vegetables is grocer.

I once lived a stone's throw away from a family

who died of mysterious head injuries.

I once dated a masseuse...

On the first date she massaged my shoulders.

On the second date she massaged my feet.

On the third date she gave me a full body massage.

But, in the end it never worked out.

She kept giving me mixed massages

I ordered a drink once.

I was pretty sure it was alcohol free... I had no proof.

I once saw a man in a wheelchair throw his trash on the ground

I guess he wasn't a stand-up guy

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

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My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

I once accidentally offended a schizophreniac with split personality disorder.

He was beside himself.

There was once a man by the name of Austin Richard Post

He thoroughly enjoyed writing music, but could never quite find people who would want to make music with him; this often left him secluded in his life. Disappointed by his lack of fame and a band, he talked to a local bartender, surrounded by drinks, about his situation.

"I just don't unders...

I once opened a gift shop on an ice-burg..

It went into liquidation

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I once watched porn with no sound

After fifteen minutes, my dad returned my blue tooth speaker

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When I was an enthusiastic 25-year-old I was once chatting to an older woman in a bar...

...she must have been mid-40s if she was a day, but she had taken really good care of herself, she was dressed to kill, and she was confident, secure in herself, and knew what she wanted.

Anyway as the evening wore on it became clearer and clearer what was on both our minds, and towards closi...

I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

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I once had a girlfriend that was blind, during our first ever sexy times she told me l had the biggest penis that she had ever touched ...

I told her that she must be pulling my leg.

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her

...you know, "other hole".

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

Eddie Murphy once said a good joke needs two things; proper timing and good execution.

That must be why all the Jeffery Epstein jokes are only half funny.

I met a mushroom man once

He was a fun gi

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic kid once told me,

"I put the 'sexy' in dyslexia."

My dad works as a chiropractor and sees two patients at once.

Back to back.

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

I once lost my hands in an accident

The entire incident was horrendous. The mental trauma alone was incredibly difficult to battle through. It took me 8 months of therapy to get moving again. Once I was back home from all the therapy I noticed my computer at home was not working all that well. It was midly infuriating at first but the...

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There once was a man who played the piano in a restaurant every weekend.

There once was a man who played the piano in a restaurant every weekend. All his songs had no words but they all had names that were extremely rude. The restaurant manager found out their names but told him not to tell them to anyone because he was a very good piano player.

One night he was p...

I met this girl once who said she was like a microwave

She said if you put a baby in me ,I will kill it

Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right.

We do have food at home.

Once upon a time there was

a kingdom. And in that kingdom was an annoyed king. He was mad that every man in his kingdom was only listening to their wive's orders and didn't make any decisions themselves. So the king decided to call every man to his palace. he asked them: All of those who make their own decisions, please go to...

Which animal would make the most change once it flies?

Pigs.

I once owned an incredible painting of a tiny lake...

Until I pond it.

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There once was a girl named Virginia. They called her virgin for short...

But not for long!

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

A group of blonde women decide once and for all, they were going to end the stereotype that blondes are dumb.

They hired a professor from Harvard to do a group test. 100 blonde women entered into a room and one of them was picked at random. The professor explained that he was going to ask a series of questions.

He asked the woman... “What is 5 + 10?”

”oh that’s easy” the Woman replied. “That’s...

Ladies talk to me a lot more once my son was born.

I guess now, my appeal is apparent

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given th...

I once ate a very small wookiee

It was a little chewie

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once asked me why I like interracial porn

I said I love to see humanity come together like that

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There once was a man from Brazil

Who swallowed a dynamite pill

His tummy perspired

His butt backfired

And his balls flew over the hill

So, me and my girlfriend were walking to the store once, when she suddenly collapsed to the ground.

She said "It's a medical condition. I won't be able to walk for the next hour."

Well, I couldn't just leave her there. I loved her, we had been together for years.

So, I picked her up bridal style, and started walking. I knew that we had to cancel our date, but that's okay. I knew that...

There once was a family that had a dog...

Their dog didn’t have any legs. They named it cigarette. Everyday they took it out for a drag.

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An elephant in the forest once asked a rabbit...

'do you care about hygiene?' The rabbit said no. The elephant picked him up with his trunk and used him to wipe his ass.

The next day the elephant saw a squirrel. He asked the same question and the squirrel said no. He picked him up with his trunk and wanted to wipe his mouth but the squirre...

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

I once thought I spotted a Leopard

But It turns out they are born like that.

A German race car driver once told me why he never goes down on a woman.

Because the intake is too close to the exhaust.

Why don't Americans switch from pounds to killograms all at once?

Because it will cause mass confusion

[OC] I once came across a traveling impersonator...

I talked with him for a couple minutes, then he shook my hand and left. He said he had people to be and places to see.

A waitress once threw sodium chloride on me.

That’s assault.

Someone once gave away multiple computers

Sadly I wasn’t able to windows

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

I once reached an all time low in life, when my entire job was just to wake someone up in the morning.

It was alarming.

I tried to make an airplane joke once

I didn’t really takeoff

I tried to go to Target once.

I missed.

My teacher once told me

My teacher once told me I was a really smart student, but could also be an idiot at the same time.

I replied “does that make me an oxymoron?”

Once upon a time...

So there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power...

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

My friend once told me "Getting drunk's not too bad"...

I said "Tell that to a glass of water"

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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