This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, ...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

I once told a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice.

Looking back...

It was a bad idea.

A woman once hears a voice in her head.

One day a woman was walking on the street when she heard a voice in her head say,"You have only 5 years left to live.

The woman believes that she just heard the voice of God,warning her and decides to live the rest of her life as luxurious as she could. So she goes to the mall and buys the cl...

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

Once, i throwed a boomerang really fast

I’ve been living in fear since that day

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Once I told a joke to my wife as she was in labor.

I thought I did a good job telling the joke but she told me to focus on the delivery.

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

There once was a man in prison

Who performed his own circumcision

With cigarettes he paid

And got his own blade

What he shoulda bought was better precision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "1 will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answere...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again

This once

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest...

She had a cracking pair of tits.

I once made a car from wood.

The chassis was made from wood.
I made the wheels from wood.
The doors and hinges, all wooden.
The engine was tricky to make, but all made from wood, right down to the ebony piston rings.

It's was beautiful price of craftsmanship, the only problem with it was that...

It woode...

There was once a man from Nantucket.

He was a very nice man, well loved by all. I think he moved up to Chatham a couple years ago. Really nice guy.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

I fell off a 40 ft ladder once....

Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.

Even a broken bomb timer is right once

Then never again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy...

I told her I was more into anal and feet. Now I’m banned from KFC.

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to commit suicide once...

not doing that shit again, I nearly died.

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank once. Give a man a bank...

... and he’ll rob everyone for the rest of their lives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Almost got on a television show once....

So pissed they cancelled COPS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW There once lived a man from Nantucket

Who decided one day to say "Fuck it."

He climbed up to the top,

Fell down with a hop,

And that's how he kicked the bucket.

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

When I was a wee child, I once found a lamp on the beach

I rubbed it, and out popped a gigantic blue man, who said I had three wishes.



I looked at him and said, "three wishes you say?"



He said yes.



"I wish I knew what to ask for."



"Your wish is granted!"



Poof! I had an idea, but th...

A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age

Especially while driving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Henry Kissinger was once asked to explain what shuttle diplomacy was.

– Oh! It is a never-failing old Jewish method. Let me give you an example. Suppose you want to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a lad from a Siberian village.
– How would you do that?
– Easy. I go to a Siberian village, find there a young man and ask him, “Would you like to marry an American Je...

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

I once dated an Italian woman, who haunts me in my dreams to this day...

...she’s a real gaba-ghoul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a red Indian with one testicle

whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called him th...

I got turned into an egg once. You know what the hardest part was?

The shell

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried phone sex once.

But the holes were too small.

I had a talking parrot once.

But it didn’t tell me it was hungry and it died.

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

I’m glad the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is only administered once...

...I don’t think I want two shots to the Johnson.

I too once dated a twin

The best part was my girlfriends twin was down to have threesomes every now and than.

It really didn't hurt that her twin was much better looking than her, had a much nicer body than her too, was really nice all the time to me, just an all-around really great guy.

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star.

But I was adamant.

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she...

After I got COVID I threw out all my soap and deodorants and I only shower once a week.

That's because my doctor said I wouldn't smell anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I said to my wife when we went to bed. “If you want to have sex in the night pull my willy once and if you don’t want to have sex...

...pull it 100 times”

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

I once drew a fish but...

...it wasn’t to scale.

Once upon....

....always a pawn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once Abdul's wife had a severe stomach ache..

He tried Google, asked his friends and relatives, but no respite from the pain for his wife. Finally, someone suggested to him a reputed Gastroenterologist, and he called him.

Abdul: "Doctor! Please help my wife. She has a severe stomach ache, and I tried everywhere, and nothing is helping. W...

I once considered going vegetarian

But then I realized it would be a huge missed steak

There once was a little red man

Who lived in a little red house. One day the little red man was driving to his little red house in his little red car.

He opened his little red door and went into his little red room, took off his little red clothes and suddenly heard his little red doorbell ring.

So the little red man...

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

A wise man once said

A man is like a spider when he gets on the web his hands get sticky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wise man once told me, “Martinis are like boobs...”

One is not enough, but three are WAY too many.

I once debated with a flat earther, he got so mad he vowed to walk to the edge of the to prove it.

He'll come round eventually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life.

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I Once Shot a Moose in My Pajamas

How it got into them, I'll never know.

I once was in a pretty serious relationship with a cake

Our chemistry was intense. After a while of dating, on a special night, I whispered, "I love you" into his ear.

The cake burst into tiers

I was once in a pretty serious relationship with a cake

We went on several dates over the course of a few weeks. The chemistry was great and I thought we really had a connection. One special night I leaned in close to my cake and whispered, “I love you."



The cake burst into tiers.

There was once a brilliant gastroenterologist.

There was once a brilliant **gastroenterologist** whose fame spread far and wide. He had the reputation of treating the worst of cases with best results. If nothing worked, his magical hand would.

But, this brilliant guy had a deep burning passion of his own. He had always wanted to be an aut...

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris once visited Virginia

Now it's called just "ia"

A kid once asked me "How do Stars die?"

I told him "Usually of an Overdose."

There once was a kitten that had 16 lives...

And then it got run over by a 4x4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later, I saw some guy stepping on it whilst he was sexually harrasing this young woman at that party. Infuriated and discombobulated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. Nobody does that to a woman; not on my watch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy once asked a man...

“Where is the library at?” The man said, “Around here we don’t use prepositions at the ends on sentences.” The boy then said, “Ok, where is the library at, shithead?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once got the opportunity to choose between a big dick and a better memory

Of course i chose better memory, why would I need another son?

I told some jokes to Satan once.

It was hell, but I was on fire.

I was trying to milk a goat once...

One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to t...

Simon Lizotte once threw a vinyl disc straight into a brick wall at 90 mph

Sounds like a broken record

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who decided to shit in a bucket

There was no reason why

It was all by the by

He just saw an opportunity and took it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once all the females of the jungle went to the Lion, king of the Jungle.

They complained that the males always keep having sex with them and wouldn't let them take rest.

The Lion told them he would do something. He called for all the males of the jungle and told them to deposit their dicks with him and told them they could only have them after 4 weeks. He gave the...

Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife

They were his Catlery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

Once I won.....

Once I won the game, I threw the ball into the crowd, but apparently that's frowned upon when playing bowling.

A couple of outdoorsmen were on a lake in their kayak when they started getting cold. But when they lit a fire in their craft it immediately began to sink, proving once and for all that...

...you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Once a man in the mafia, was tasked with killing another man.

He ended up killing him with a porcelain doll in a rice paddy.

It was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person

Stay lazy, my friends

Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”...

...he was an actor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

Once deep in the jungle

The only white man was called in front of the Tribe leader
"My daughter just delivered a white baby , you are the only white man here , how do you defend yourself ??"
The white man tried to save his life , " see this goats all white except this one black , what do you think about that "
T...

Rumor has it Bruce Lee once owned a pet bear

Its name was Grizz Lee!

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said

Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' ......

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a pound of cherries stuck in my ass once.

It really was the pits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been told my jokes are too subtle. I once told a rapist a joke about consent.

But he didn't get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once found a beautiful woman lying on the railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had tremendous sex.

No head, though

Once I finished a video game about a man and a kid with a flying house without even playing it

I ended up doing nothing

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a little boy asked to his father how he was born

Dad says:
\- Well, I got a stick and your mom have a hole, once I put my stick in it and you have born!
The next day, the boy catches a little stick while playing and found a hole in the wall, once he poked a cockroach appeared, he says:

\- Eeeeeeeeeew! I just don't kill you because...

Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.
One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”
“I would...

A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month!

It left a negative impression.

I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was....

I tried sniffing Coke once...

But the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A joke my granddad once told me as a kid:

At a mental hospital there is a man and a doctor assessing his sanity.

The doctor takes out a 100 dollar bill and an apple and sets it on the table

"Mister, I want to give you something. Which of these do you want?"

The man looks at the 2 objects hard, and eventually takes the a...

There once was a starving artist

Wherever someone offered to buy his work, he thought they were being patronizing.

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

There were once three square kingdoms on different sides of a triangular river.

One night, the king of the first kingdom invited all the people of all three kingdoms over to the castle to celebrate his daughter’s 18th birthday. All the people of the kingdoms were enjoying themselves, until an argument between the three kings broke out between whose daughter was the most beautif...

Chuck Norris once performed a table flip.

Ever since Atlantis is considered a myth.

I once had an offer to join a secret club, where anyone who asked questions would be permanently banned.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

I once did a theater performance about writing puns....

It was a play on words

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

My mother owned a massage company, and I took her place once she retired.

I guess it rubbed off on me.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

I once told a bad joke about ghosts

It still haunts me to this day.

My friend once told me, "I think you have a gambling problem."

$50 says he has no idea what he's talking about.

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

“Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

I once asked my catalan friend why he wanted independence for his region...

And he really took the time to exspain everything to me

I once had an uncle who fell off the roof of a castle.

He didn’t die, though. He got de-moat-ed.

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time in a kingdom

Once upon a time in a kingdom, there lived a queen who was a tramp(had multiple sexual partners all the time). The king was frustrated by this but couldn't do anything because she was extremely beautiful. One day the king had to leave for war but he knew that his wife would have sex with a lot of me...

I once met a man who’s name was Professor Palindrome

It wasn’t until he told me his real name that I understood the meaning. His real name was Professor Ross Eforp.

Once upon a time, there was a train driver.

He liked to drive his train very fast. One day, he got into a train crash, killing one person.

He goes to death row, and for his final meal he eats one banana.

They strap him up to the electric chair, smoke fills the room as he's zapped... but he's completely fine. The executioners dec...

A doctor once got rich when he realized he could run a lucrative circumcising clinic by

keeping all the tips

So I dated a furry once

I didnt know he was a furry at the time.

After a while, he showed me his true collars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once mixed up the words Yakuza and Jacuzzi.

Now I'm in hot water with the japanese mafia.

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

Did you guys hear that Bob Ross once has a demon possessed paint brush?

It was a really hard time for him until he beat the Devil out of it.

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that sting!

There once was a woman that was married to a man who would make extremely foul and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up.

Every time he did, the woman got angry and told him, “One of these days, Walter, you’re going to fart your guts out!”

One morning, the woman woke up early to cook a turkey for a dinner they were hosting that evening. As she removed the turkey’s entrails, she had an idea to teach her husband a...

Stalin once said dark humor is like food

Not everyone gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

I dated a girl that has the same birthday as my mother once...

Let me tell you, you do not want to get those gifts mixed up! I got them both a pearl necklace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife once said, “Sex is better during vacation”.

That was not a nice postcard to receive.

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good joke I was once told

3 men are captured by a tribe in the jungle the leader of the tribe tells them that they have trespassed on sacred land and they must die. Once they are dead the tribe leader says that he will use their skin to make canoes. They are told however that they can choose how they die. The first man asks ...

I once knew a Hippie who had a dog named "Nama"

He trained the dog to sit. He would say: "Nama, sit."

He also trained the dog to Stay.



...



...



He would look at the dog and say:

"Nama..."

"Stay."

I once asked a scientist "how do you make a hormone?" He took a moment to think, and then replied "that's easy...

... Don't pay her."

I made a belt out of watches once..

It was a waist of time XD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.