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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

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So I said to my wife when we went to bed. “If you want to have sex in the night pull my willy once and if you don’t want to have sex...

...pull it 100 times”

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I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life.

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy...

I told her I was more into anal and feet. Now I’m banned from KFC.

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

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Once all the females of the jungle went to the Lion, king of the Jungle.

They complained that the males always keep having sex with them and wouldn't let them take rest.

The Lion told them he would do something. He called for all the males of the jungle and told them to deposit their dicks with him and told them they could only have them after 4 weeks. He gave the...

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I once found a beautiful woman lying on the railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had tremendous sex.

No head, though

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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Once there was a Man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the...

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

I once told a bad joke about ghosts

It still haunts me to this day.

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

I dated a girl that has the same birthday as my mother once...

Let me tell you, you do not want to get those gifts mixed up! I got them both a pearl necklace.

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My girlfriend will only have sex with me once a month.

And let me tell you, it’s a bloody good time.

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

I once had a conversation with a dolphin

We just clicked....

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Good joke I was once told

3 men are captured by a tribe in the jungle the leader of the tribe tells them that they have trespassed on sacred land and they must die. Once they are dead the tribe leader says that he will use their skin to make canoes. They are told however that they can choose how they die. The first man asks ...

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I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

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In mediaeval England a man was once executed because his penis was too big.

He was hung

A girl once told me she was LGBTQ

I said, “I asked for the homework, not the among us code.”

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I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly ...

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

I once tried speed dating...

Turns out she wasn’t as into stimulants as I was...

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

“Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.

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My grandparents used to have sex once a week, on a Sunday, in time to the nearby church bells

My grandad would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream van

I dated a teacher once

At first there was chemistry between us.

When we broke up it was history between us.

Now that she's moved away there is geography between us.

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I made a scat album once

It was a load of crap

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

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Once I met a guy with a micropenis

He was really nice.
I guess you could say he wasn’t a big dick

I got dragged off to Stockholm once and I hated it.

As time went by, though, I really grew fond of the place.

I once knew this guy who hated all high-range intruments.

He was a huge bassist.

There once was a kingdom in a far off land.

The kingdom was called Tridd, and the king had a troll problem. On a nearby mountain, there was a troll that would hurl rocks at the kingdom. So he sent an army of his best soldiers to kill it. However, the troll simply kicked them all down the mountain.

So, the king tried to negotiate with t...

I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company

I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election

The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

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A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...

I said "holy shit, you guys lost him again?"

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

I once thought it was funny to take a math test in an elevator

I was wrong on so many levels

I was kidnapped by mimes once.

They did unspeakable things to me.

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

I once did a practical joke on a leprosy patient

He told me to stop pulling his leg

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

My father once told me...

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

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I’ve had makeup sex only once in my life.

It took forever to get the waterproof mascara off my penis.

Once there was a king only 12” tall.

He was a lousy king, but made a great ruler.

Once upon a time...

There was an old lady who found a genie lamp. The genie appeared and said "I will grant you 3 wishes"

For her 1st wish the old lady wished for 10 million dollars and ***poof*** 10 million dollars appeared in cash.

For her 2nd wish the old lady wished to be young again and ***poof*** s...

I once seduced a woman by telling her I'd sequence her DNA

but I stopped at first base when she told me what I'd find in her genes

I once stayed over at a hotel. The place is nice, but the room I stayed in is just terrible.

.....You could say that room was not their strongest suite.

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A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"

The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."

(I'm Muslim).

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A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends.....

was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home ‪around 11:30‬.....One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading."Damn it woman!" he exclaimed. ...

I once made my morning coffee with redbull instead of water.

Was halfway to work before I noticed I forgot my car.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

I heard this great joke in Nevada once... what did the dog say to the duck

I’ll let you know next week

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

I made a joke about disabled people in my friend circle once.

My blind friend just sighed and told me it wasn't funny.

I guess she couldn't see the humor in it.

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Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist

You know... one crazy ass doctor

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson had once gone on a camping and hiking trip.

As they lay on their beds staring at the night sky Holmes said, " Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I imagine it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"T...

I fell for clickbait once

You won't believe what happened next...

I once met a T-rex who was working at a casino.

He said he was hiding out from the cops.

I think he was a small arms dealer.

A wise old man said to me once, "The things you fear are the things you will one day encounter in life."

Never have I been so afraid of a million dollars.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have a point.

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

There was once a partly deaf man.

He couldn't hear low noises and could only hear loud ones.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Doctor, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can ...

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Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

I once told a guy from upper Canada that he wasn't really from Canada since he was from a territory, not a province

He was having Nunavut.

A joke my late great uncle told me once

(Info for the joke: Lula, who was a president of Brazil dont have the little finger)

He said: Do you know why Lula doesn't have this finger? (Points to his little finger)

And I: No, why?

He: Because this one is mine

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

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Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

I had an axe that once belonged to Abraham Lincoln...

The head was replaced once and the handle twice but I got documented proof it belong to Abraham Lincoln.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too...

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

Sammy Sosa once got caught with a corked bat and was suspended 8 games...

...at least he didn’t eat it.

I once was dared to eat a clock

I would not recommend doing it, as it was really time consuming.

Was not that bad though, i even had seconds...

My dad once told me a joke about unstamped letters

I never got it though.

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

My friend once said to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

I said back to him, “No it doesn’t.”

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

Two facts interesting facts about me: 1) I once knocked out a champion boxer with a single punch

2) I'm now banned from Crufts.

There was once a flight full of librarians.

It was booked.

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs.

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs. Every day he went walking with the dogs. Once day, he met a woman with 5 cats. They got talking and soon they were meeting everyday. They walked from the local supermarket, past the bar and down to the church. They got married and all five dogs married a cat e...

Once again, a unit of Spartans was about to be annihilated in glorious battle, and the iconic "Tonight, we dine in Hell" line was uttered.

There was much rejoicing at this promise of improvement.

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I tried phone sex once

But the holes were too small

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I once asked my cousin why he was gay

I couldn't get a straight answer

Once upon a time there was a boy with 1 left arm

Because the other arm was the right one

I threw a tantric party once...

Nobody came

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

There was once a woman called Patricia Whack

She worked in a bank and generally dealt with secured loans. One day she calls for her next appointment when a frog hops into the room and sits on the chair opposite her. Confused, she asks "Can I help you?"
"Yes," says the frog "Kermit Jagger, I'm here for a loan, uh 100k please"
Patty is ta...

a wise man once said

"you wouldn't have clicked if it wasn't for the NSFW tag."

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there’s only two of y...

Someone once told me they wanted to kill themselves...

I told them to go out to walmart without a mask.

I once was asked what drove me to become an accountant

I replied, Lyft.

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A genie once told me I could get an amazing memory and a small dick, or a huge dick and awful memory.

And I remember exactly what I chose.

I ate a ghost once. I wouldn't recommended it.

Tasted like sheet.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

I fell in love with a pirate once

But in the end it just turned out to be a hook-up.

I debated a flat earthier once

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

My mind has never been changed by anyone, not even once.

It's been naked its whole life

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

Once upon a time, a man appear...

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers...

Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember

Because elephants never forget

A doctor once told me laughter was the best medicine

I wish he knew i was still suffering from a stomach operation that just happened 2 days ago

Once, a prince..

..decided to disguise himself and mingle with people to see their hardships by himself. There, he encountered a farmer who looked exactly like him. Curious, the prince approached the farmer and asked him "By any chance, did your mother work in the palace?"


The farmer replied, "No, bu...

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

There was once a very lazy man

This man was so lazy eventually his father has enough. He put him in a sack and dragged him down to the river and was about to throw him in when a passerby noticed. "What're you doing with this man?" He asked. "He's very lazy he doesn't do anything I've had it with taking care of him and feeding him...

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(Nsfw) I once got a blind girlfriend

I showed her my dick and she said “Sorry, I don’t smoke.”

When I was a preteen, I watched a lot of anime, and really really wanted a katana, so when I finally got one for my birthday, I was so elated, but I only played with it once.

And then all I wanted was grandma back.

There was once an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children for a meeting.

He said, "My hair used to be so magnificent, but it's gone now. My hair can't be saved, but look at the forest. It's so full of trees...

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I had sex with Joseph Stalin once it was quite exciting. When I said: "Im coming" He said: "No"

"WE are coming"

I had dinner once with a Chess Grand Master in a restaurant with checked tablecloths..

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

I once met a pig that made horse noises.

It was my neighbor.

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I once dated this girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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My Mom congratulated me once for cracking open a pickle jar..

Told me to get a job with that grip, stop jackin off, lot of fish in the sea but not one's that seein yo ass.

I learned a lot that day.. I don't like pickles

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

There was once a dyslexic who decided to become a pimp

but ended up buying a warehouse

‪I once ate a Danish pastry.

She’s an air hostess..‬

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

If you buy a man a plane ticket he will fly once

But if you kick him out of the plane he will fly for the rest of his life.

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

Machiavelli once said, "It is better to be feared than loved"

And that, your honor, is why I killed our dog in front of my children.

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There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”

\- I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and ag...

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

Once my friend asked me..

"Should I tell my parents that I am adopted?"

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas

How it got in my pyjamas? I dont know...

I once wrote a very creative and detailed suicide note....

Now I've got a #1 country music song in the U.S.

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I once masturbated in class

Lost my teaching certificate after that

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

Once a man a was shouting at Times square " The president is an Idiot"

"The president is an Idiot" he yelled

You can't defame the president, a cop arrested him
"Hey I didn't say 'our' president, I was talking about China"

Cop replied "Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot"

Just once I would like to go to a acupuncturist, lay down on his couch and when he says "how can I help you?"

I'll say "Well I keep getting pins and needles in my leg"

I had breast cancer once...

Those were some bad mammaries.

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