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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy...

I told her I was more into anal and feet. Now I’m banned from KFC.

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

“Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

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Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating

Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there’s only two of y...

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A genie once told me I could get an amazing memory and a small dick, or a huge dick and awful memory.

And I remember exactly what I chose.

Once, a prince..

..decided to disguise himself and mingle with people to see their hardships by himself. There, he encountered a farmer who looked exactly like him. Curious, the prince approached the farmer and asked him "By any chance, did your mother work in the palace?"


The farmer replied, "No, bu...

I once met a girl with twelve nipples

Sounds strange dozen tit

Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember

Because elephants never forget

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

If you buy a man a plane ticket he will fly once

But if you kick him out of the plane he will fly for the rest of his life.

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I once masturbated in class

Lost my teaching certificate after that

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas

How it got in my pyjamas? I dont know...

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

There was once an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children for a meeting.

He said, "My hair used to be so magnificent, but it's gone now. My hair can't be saved, but look at the forest. It's so full of trees...

There was once a dyslexic who decided to become a pimp

but ended up buying a warehouse

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

I had breast cancer once...

Those were some bad mammaries.

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

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I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life

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I once dated this girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her, you know, "other hole".

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

There was once a train driver

who loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this inci...

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

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I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

Once Putin threw a grenade and killed 5 people

Then it exploded

My great grandfather once destroyed 18 WW2 German aircrafts in one day.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Read carefully, because I am only going to write this once...

this

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

My friend once told me

You can’t enchant a hoe with loyalty!

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I tried to fuck a horse once...

But she said no, and neigh means neigh.

Once a monk told me the best way to receive from life

but i dont remember it clearly, it had something to do with a cake and karma

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I was once getting a hand job from a blind woman

She said "this is the biggest dick I've ever held!"

I said "no you're just pulling my leg"

I debated a flat earthier once

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually

Confucius once said...

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."

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I met an old hunter once...

He told me the story of how he was gazelle hunting alone in Africa, when all of a sudden a lion appeared whilst he was taking a piss.

“I confronted the beast” he said “and just when I knew the time was right, I pulled up my pants, turned around and ran to my truck. As the lion started chasing...

I once had a psychic girlfriend,

she left me before we met.

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).

2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).

Karen : I think.. (died)

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After 10 years, my book about the sexual encounter I once had with a clock is finally completed.

It's about fucking time.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted...

Why does Santa only come once a year?

Mrs. Clause is really into edging.

I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator...

...I sort of phoned in the interview though and the HR department didn’t think it was my true calling so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.

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I once got the word jacuzzi and yakuza mixed up

Now im in hot water with the Japanese mafia

My teacher once asked me a question

Teacher: Do you have a girl friend?

Me: Yeah, but she’s from another nation.

Teacher: Sounds cool! Which nation?

Me: Imagination.

I bought Earth once

It was dirt cheap.

A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once

The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.

The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something

Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."

Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you ha...

Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”

\- I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and ag...

Once a guy asked me a grammar question

He said,"In the sentence , " The mother beat her daughter after she was drunk",who was drunk? You boast a lot about your grammar, prove me you're an expert at it"
I said, giving him a deathly stare in his eye," SHE "

I once heard that JFK was the most arrogant President:

It’s always in one ear and out the other with that man.

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So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

Once upon a time...

My friends asked me, "what happens if you don't finish a joke?"





"Well," I told him

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Once me and my boyfriend had a fight

Later that day I promised to give him a blowjob to settle the dust and get back to our normal lives.

What he didn’t know was that I was hiding wasabi under my tongue. Long story short, we haven’t fought since then.

i banged a midwife once..

and i must say she delivered ...ba dum tisss

A kid once asked his mother why his father was bald.

His mother replied, “Well, that’s cause your Dad thinks a lot!”

She smiled, pleased with the answer she had come up with.

The kid pondered this for a moment, then inquired, “Then why do you have so many hairs on your head?”

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There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

I once made a post about un vaccinated children

*It died in new*

I was hiking once with my girlfriend

Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.
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One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort...

There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters.

One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.

“Hi!” said the young man standing there. “My name’s Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. we’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” “Yes, I’ll go and get her” said the farmer....

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

I once knew a vampire named Backspace.

I asked him why he was named Backspace and he said, "It's because I'm really good at removing type-O's."

Albert Einstein once famously said...

"Every great quote will eventually be misattributed to Albert Einstein"

I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens. The fellow planted eggs and watered them day after day but all to no avail. So the farmer went to the government office to complain. After meeting with one Indian bureaucrat and telling his story he was advised that not...

I went to a Coldplay concert once.

It was paradise.

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

An old couple decides to play the devil's tango once more, like during their golden years.

The woman asks in a shaky voice : "Talk dirty to me !"

And the old man to go :

"I shat myself !"

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My friend once shat himself in the elevator...

Same shit, different story

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There was once a man who LOVED golf

There once was a man who loved golf. Once each year he would save up for an all expenses paid golf vacation on a resort Island.

This year he met a beautiful woman. and they hit it off immediately, playing golf all day, and wonderful sex all night.

At the end of the 2 weeks at the resor...

I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue

I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors.

He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel h...

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

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Once, Hitler's dinner was 20 minutes late, and he was starving.

Boy, was he fuhrious.

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There was once a rabbi who loved to play golf.

He loved it so much he could not bear not to play for more than a few days and was beggining to get addicted.

One year, on Yom Kippur - the day of atonement and the holiest of all high Jewish holidays, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and ...

I went out with a girl once called 'Owl'

Seriously, that was her name, Owl.

She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.

She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.

She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and Moishe. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate...

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Why can you only get castrated once ?

Because you don’t have the balls to do it a second time.

What's the difference between me and the guy that comes by to pick up your trash once a week?

He's a garbage man, and I'm just a garbage person.

I knew this guy once, I didn't know why but he just didn't look right

One day he got hit by a bus and was taken to hospital and died later that day and the doctor said this would never have happened if he just looked both ways

I had a girl once ask me what the difference is between a come on and come in....

She said it was a wedding ring.

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.

He lives next to a brothel

I remember once at a party

I’ll never forget the time, I was at a party, we were playing truth and dere, and someone dared me to go home

I went out with an English teacher once

But she dumped me for improper use of the colon...

I once dumped a cross-eyed chick.

Thought she was seeing someone else.

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There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

I once dated an English teacher

But when she saw my dangling participle, she was afraid I would split her infinitive.

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I met a girl in a bar once...

I asked her if she had ever had sex with a guy for drugs.

“Once every Blue Moon”, she replied.

I’ve never been one to judge, so I offered to buy her a drink.

“I’ll have another Blue Moon”, she said.

I once dated a girl and she threw up a bunch of red flags.

It turned out that she was an avid communist.

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There were once three brothers...

They loved to go hunting together. All season long they would get up at the crack of dawn to hunt deer in the woods. However, the youngest brother had chronic bowel issues. He would try to get his “business” done before they started their hunting, but sometimes he would have to take some time in the...

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

A friend once asked me, “How are your legs not sweating?”

I said, “It’s all in the jeans.”

I once had a job at a burlesque club helping the girls in and out of their costumes for $100 a week.

I know it's not much but it's all I could afford.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Bap...

I just went on a once in a lifetime vacation.

Never again.

I went to Soviet Russia once

I knew I made a mistake, Because I saw all the Red flags

There once was a sailor from Brighton

Who said to his gal, "You're a tight 'un."

She said, "Upon my soul!

You're in the wrong hole!

There's plenty of room in the right 'un"

I was freezed to absolute zero once,

And it was 0k.

A great man once said

"Stop writing down everything I say!

Who are you anyway?
#Get out of my house!"

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(Subject matter: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough) There once was a lady named Jill

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

I tried deep diving without equipments once ...

It was breathtaking.

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I had sex with Paris Hilton once. I came after just thirteen seconds.

But to be fair, she did ask me to fuck her brains out.

Kelloggs once had a cereal called 'Snatch'

You open it up, dump out the cereal and eat the box.

A vegan once said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

So I replied: the people who sell vegetables are grocer

What do you call a transphobe that can turn on 50 lights at once?

A Jenner-hater

I once saw my grandma get mugged

And $20 is all she gave me

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train

When the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger.

When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it.

Then h...

A friend once asked me "You've never said no to a beer have you?!"

So I told him
"By the time I start talking to my drinks I lose the ability to recall it the next day!"

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers. They can only attack once.

*Hindu* suicide bombers on the other hand...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

A girl once said about me "He's the one!"

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner. One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the so...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

Got stoned once when I had a sudden realization:

I shouldn't have broken the law in Saudi Arabia!

I tried eating the whole Taco Bell menu once..

They kindly asked me to get off the counter

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

"Once you go black, you never go back"...

To cream with your coffee.

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No. It wooden start.

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I once had sex in an apple orchard.

I came in cider.

I told a joke about a fat man and a little boy once

Didn’t really expect it to blow up like it did

(Sorry if someone’s made this joke before)

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

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I once pushed a stripper down a hill.

And that's how the cinnamon roll was born.

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once upon a time there was a village where everyone was named after letters of the Alphabet.

Also everyone referred to one another as "person".

"Hello person"
"How are you person"
Greetings, fellow person!"

and so on.


Anyways one day an outsider wanders into the village and he is being introduced to everyone by the village guide.

"This, is person A. Tha...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Once upon a time there was a teacher in a small village

This teacher is known to have screwed many girls in the village. After a few months, he decides to move out from the village. Before he leaves, a villager asks him the secret of how he has slept with this many girls. He answers "Silently enter the room, walk near her and blow in her neck".
The v...

There was once a kind old bus driver who always tried to help out his community

A few days before he retired the bus driver saw a suicidal man who had jumped out into the middle of traffic.
Being the kind man he was he ran over to help, then backed up and ran over the guy again.

My dad once passed gas in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.

He couldn't stand a chance.

I once had a one night stand...

But then I bought another.

Once upon a time, there were two guys called Lala and Tata.

They both were seeing a girl named Eli. (Eli was double dating). Eli truly loved Lala, but Tata was better in bed, and she loved his touch on her body.
One day, they both found out that Eli was cheating on them. The three of them met together, and got into a heated argument with Eli. After a whi...

Once upon a time, there was a country called Garbanzonia.

The country's entire economy revolved around chickpeas. One day, the United States declared war and invaded the country for oil. At the Battle of Bengal, the Garbanzonian troops were grossly outnumbered and outmatched. All hope seemed lost, but a man known as Yanni Siderás single-handedly fought ...

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

An old ukranian man once told me

“I can count the number of times i’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand son”

“How many times?” I asked

“14 , it’s 14”

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

There was once a man who had 100 kids.

There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. “Dad...

There was once a little boy...

... he was riding home from a fishing trip with his grandpa when he shouted “Gramps! I gotta pee!” His grandfather replied “Timmy, we are out in the middle of nowhere you will have to hold it”. So, along they drive. After a while the grandpa hears a sobbing from the backseat. “Timmy, what’s wrong...

Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on.

There were reaper cushions.

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once.

Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.

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