The 151+ Best Once Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

I Was Kidnapped By A Gang Of Mimes, Once

They did unspeakable things.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed twenty people.

Then it exploded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virgin Mary would like to return to earth once.

God allows it, but only on the condition that she calls heaven every evening. No sooner said than done.
On the first evening, Mary calls Heaven: "This is the Virgin Mary. I saw myself a beautiful skirt. May I buy it?" "Yes, you may. But call back tomorrow night."
The second night, "Here's ...

I once had a stroke

Thank god it was the onlajsbsiabhs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris Once Jizzed in the Ocean

That's why we have sperm whales.

I once stayed up all night wondering where The Sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there were three friends

Once upon a time there were three friends who had three addictions.

One was a smoker, one was an alcoholic, and the other, a sex addict.

Since their addictions were beginning to be detrimental to each other's health, they decided to see a doctor. Once in the doctor's office, the doctor...

Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return….

…..and returned.

I dated a lawyer once

Makes sense.
She had a reputation for settling

A man was once gifted a pet parrot.

The parrot was beautiful, and trained to talk by its previous owners. Unfortunately, it only swore loudly and angrily whenever it wanted attention.

To try to stop this, he put the parrot in a box. The man told the parrot, "I am putting you in this box because you wont stop swearing." For the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

I taught a class on invisibility once

Nobody showed up.

I read a book about anti-gravity once...

It was impossible to put down

I slept with a rich girl once.

Got lobsters.

I once told my dad

that I had an imaginary girlfriend.

My dad sighed and said, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said.

My dad shook his head and said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

There once lived a homeless man

The homeless man is wandering about a riverbank one day, when he spots a young woman whose tripped and fell into the river.

Being the kind soul he is, he doesn't hesitate to jump in and rescue her.

All is well, as he managed to save her from drowning.

Suddenly, the richest man ...

Me and my wife got into an argument once so she smashed a glass coke bottle over my head

Thank God it was a soft drink

I once saw Medusa on a cam girl site

I was rock hard the entire time

I went for a job as a History Teacher once.

I changed my mind though. I couldn't see any future in it.

I once dated a HTML student that liked foreplay.

She always put head first.

If ive told you once, ive told you a million times..

..stop exaggerating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow once.

The first question was, "What the fuck are *you* lookin' at?"

There once was a criminal that was so so fat...

That not even the police could surround him

There once was a man from Limerick

There once was a man from Limerick, who had no idea of the short, often humerus, jokes about his home town.

There once was a woman named "Ninety"...

her parents couldn't think of a name for her so they just named her "ninety". eventually, ninety had children of her own. the kids were cheerful and playful. one day they asked their mother for a dog, which ninety replied, "no dogs!". saddened, the children simply resumed playing.

then one da...

Once you go black, you never go back

I can't believe I used to add milk to coffee

The legend once said that...

Death had a near-Chuck Norris experience

Chuck Norris once skydived and the parachute failed to open while mid-air

The next day, he demanded a refund.

I once had an abusive girlfriend.

Her name was Lorraine. Whenever she didn’t agree with something I said or did, she would strike me all over the body, but punching me in the eye was most common. That left me with black eyes almost constantly. I had enough. I broke up with her after five months of abuse. I can see clearly now, Lorra...

“Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire”

“That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.”

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.

He said it sounded like a C flat.

I once had a brain eating amoeba

the poor fella died of starvation

Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean

He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks.

There once was a parade in honor of comrade Stalin's birthday

In the middle of the parade, Stalin had a great speech and everyone was saluting in silence.

While suddenly, Stalin heard a sneeze from the front rows. "Who was that?", he asks but there is no response.

"Confess or I execute everyone in the first row.", again no one spoke up. So Stalin...

I once dated a girl from Tunisia

Her dad was from Trinidad and Tobago and her mum was from Morocco. Broke up with her in the end though. Too many red flags

A farmer once hired a worker to help with his farm…

The first day, he assigned him to chop wood. By the end of the day, he had chopped more wood than 2 people. the farmer was amazed.
The second day, the farmer assigned him to mend fences. By the end of the day, he had fixed all of the broken fences on the farm. The farmer was astounded.
On th...

I dated a guy with crossed eyes once

We broke up cause we didnt see eye to eye and i was worried he was seeing someone on the side

Chuck Norris once stepped on a crack, it apologized and fixed his mom's back.

There was a posts I found last night where people shared Chuck Norris jokes and I wanted to share a (hopefully) original one.

What do you call it when everyone spins round once?

A communist revolution.

An archaeologist once dated a woman

She was 20,000 BC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once in college, I was seeing a girl who had a twin. When I went home for the break I told my mother I was seeing a girl with a twin, and she asked me “how do you tell them apart?”

I told her “Nancy paints her fingernails blue, and Nick has a penis.”

A computer once beat me at chess.

But it was no match for me at kickboxing.

-Credit to Emo Phillips

Chuck Norris once wrote a joke.

They say it was never reposted again.

The Kinsey Institute once conducted a study on men's preferences for women's physical attributes.

5% of men reported liking long legs. 5% of liked short legs. And the other 90% liked something in between.

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

Chuck Norris went to court once.

The judge turned to him and opened with, “Your Honor, may I speak freely?”

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

Chuck Norris once got pulled over by to cops.

They got away with a warning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got thrown out of a strip club once

Didn’t know I wasn’t supposed throw quarters at the strippers

A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"

When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a kid, i once swallowed two strings…

They both came out together, i shit you knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind guy once walked in on pennywise masturbating

he never saw it coming

I once dreamt of having a fight with chuck norris.

I woke up with a black eye and swollen face.

How does a human make all three states of matter at once?

Diarrhea.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving without a parachute...

The place where he collided with the earth is now known as the Marriana's trench.

I once caught the flu...

...at the Airport.

Think it was a Terminal Disease

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

Buy a man a flying ticket and he will fly once…

…push him out of an airplane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Me: A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie

Friend: Gladiator?

Me: No I really miss her.

I remember once before a big school exam, I wanted to get a good night's rest, so I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills.

She said "Sure! Knock yourself out!"

A girl broke up with me once over food

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian and Korean foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

Once I was almost in love with a psychic

She left me before we met.

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

Once i had a GF with braces..

now My kids are stuck behind bars

I tried dating a cougar once.

Turned out she was a cheetah.

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

Do all fairytales start with "once upon a time"?

No, some start with "if I'm elected, I promise..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

I tried to start a comedy club in outer space once.

But sadly there was no atmosphere on opening night.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

She said if you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend once caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I told her “it’s not what it looks like”.

I once saw my friend fighting a pregnant women

So I joined him to make it a two-on-two

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

I had a friend once who thought his local church priest was a reptilian in disguise

I hope he's moved on from that and onto greener pastors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

A wise Chinese man once told me...

I'm from Jakarta,stop calling me chinaman..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

Once a man was walking through the forest until...

A bear suddenly came out from the bushes. It started chasing the man. The man turned around and saw the bear chasing him, and he began to run. As they ran, the bear started getting closer and closer to him. It licked its lips as it saw its prey getting closer. All of a sudden, the man tripped and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records once…

But unfortunately the librarian told me to take it out and go home

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film.

It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

I once had a job drilling holes for water.

It was well boring.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

I once got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants.

I have to quit. There was no place to park.

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

I had a ford Fiesta once, then I left my prescription of Adderall in the glove box overnight,

when I came out in the morning, I had a Ford Focus.

My father once told me that the Bible said "spare the rod, spoil the child" as a justification for hitting me

The Bible also had a problem with Wrath, but I valued my life too much to point that out.

Chuck Norris once passed the point of no return...

Explorers are still looking for it today.

Once you’ve seen a thousand stores under one roof…

You’ve seen theMall

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

Opportunity only knocks once,

but temptation leans on the doorbell.

Chuck Norris has farted only once in his life.

It was during a vacation to the Sahara forest.

I was once in a relationship with Math

I had to leave it though, there were just too many problems

Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member...

The Sailor was just settling in when he noticed that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all women...

So the sailor went to the captain and asked him, "Captain, there are no women aboard, and i am a man who needs lots of wom...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

A blind man once walked into a bar.

And into a chair.
And into a table.
And into a person.

Patras Bukhari was a very well known Urdu humor writer. He was very witty. Once he was asked: "Have you ever been speechless?" He replied: "Yes. Once I went to the market to get my wrist-watch repaired.

I saw shop with a lot of clocks, so I asked the shopkeeper to repair my wrist-watch.

The shopkeeper said, "Sir, we do not repair watches".

I asked him, "What do you do then?"

Shopkeeper replied: "We do circumcisions".

I asked him: "Then why have you hung so many clocks in...

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once got caught having sex in the army

What followed was a dishonourable discharge.

There was once a bloke named Dave

On the way to work, Dave saw a homeless man. He felt bad and gave the homeless man $10. A friend he was walking with told him it was a bad idea because he would spend the $10 on drugs. Dave thought about this an went back to the homeless man and asked
“How can I get drugs for $10 too?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

I went to the liquor store on a bike once

I bought a bottle of an expensive scotch, but I was worried I would tip over on my bike on my way home, and break the bottle. So instead, I drank the entire bottle before I got on the bike. Turned out to be a very good decision, as I tipped over at least 10 times on my way home.

I tried to make a penguin fly once

Can’t say Delta was too happy about it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

A wife wants to try 69 with her husband

The husband says “what’s that”

“I’ll show you” the wife says

The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife

The wife straddles the husbands face and once again fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sat next to a woman on a rollercoaster once, she would not stop screaming

it's like she's never seen a penis before

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

Once apon a time, there was a family of skunks

(Good as a bedtime story for kids)

Once apon a time in a hole on the bank of a river near some woods, lived a family of skunks.

There was mummy skunk and her two babies. And the baby skunks were called In and Out.

One day Out said to Mummy skunk, "Mummy, can In and I go out int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

Once there was a young boy

around 8 years old, who lived in a village at the bottom of a hill. On top of the hill was a temple where monks lived. One day, he heard a strange sound coming from the top of the hill. Curious, he walks up the hill and knocks on the giant doors at the front of the temple. The head monk answers the ...

A Politician tries telling the truth for once

A crisis gripped the State.

"Mr. Politician! How do you intend to solve this crisis!"

"Honestly...? I don't know. This is a very complex situation, with so many moving parts that it's far beyond the understanding of any one person, or even a small group. I don't know what I'm going to ...

Someone once told me, "You have a tendency to twist people's meanings to suit yourself."

I replied, "I'll take that as a compliment."

Did you hear that Shirley MacLaine once let Robert Redford rip off all her clothes?

Well, it was unavoidable; try to put a left-handed nut together with a right-handed stud and at least one of them is going to end up stripped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dreamt that I was masturbating to pictures of my karate teachers.

Then I came to my senseis.

I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.

I debated a flat earther once

he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.

Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime l...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.