My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born the day before. He told me: "Maybe they'll marry each other."

As if my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

A Redditor asks another Redditor what the best way to get karma is...

The experienced Redditor says: "It's a piece of cake."

I'm not saying I'm racist, I'm just saying one race is better than another

The 100m dash is a lot better than the 400m. The 110m hurdles are also good

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

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Another man accepts a job in a village with no women...

He asked his foreman "what do you do without any women here?"

The foreman replies "there's a barrel with a knothole in the side. Stick your dick in it and you'll be able to get off".

The new recruit is surprised but eventually gets horny enough to give it a try. He is amazed: it feels ...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Another funny joke from my daughter!

Why did the phone need glasses?

Because it lost all of its contacts!

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

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A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

Let's hold on for another 130 days.

If we give up now and skip this year, it's admitting our loss and saying 2021.

A blonde is driving down the road when she spots another blonde in a row boat in the middle of a dirt field.

She pulls over, jumps out of her car and screams “You’re the reason us blondes get a bad name! I should swim out there and kick your ass!!”

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

Two farmers are in a field trying to figure out which sheep belongs to one another.

"Stop me if you herd this one."

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

My girlfriend said that if i got her another useless gift she would burn it...

That’s why I got her a candle

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

My GF asked me if I could ever love another girl. I told her actually I would, and she looks just like her but younger... She smiled and said "Will she call me mommy??"

"Well, I don't know Kate, does your sister call you Mommy?"

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

What's another name for a vegetable that makes you turn and scratch

Spin itch

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My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Wonderful saying, horrible way of finding out you’re an orphan

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife

Happy Mother’s Day!

After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years

But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.

The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.

The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The third nun says, "this one does...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

One tramp says to another tramp "I think you have done a poo in your pants"

"no I haven't!" he replies "that was already there when I found them"

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

So I was playing poker with my friends, and I was dominating. One of them asks, “How are you so good at this?” And another answered, “He’s got aces up his sleeves! Pat him down!” Which they did.

You wouldn’t believe how long it took for them to realize I was wearing a tank top.

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A farmer buys a young cock (another version)

He puts him out in the yard with the rest of the chickens and the old rooster he's supposed to replace. The older rooster starts to bargain with the younger one: "How 'bout we split the harem 50/50," he says. The younger rooster isn't having any of it.

"OK, then let's have a race around the h...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. The first bull growled, "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows!" The second bull snorted, "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows!"

The third grunted in agreement, "I've only been here a year and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows!"

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.

At 4,70...

A hotel business owner tried to buy a building from another company.

But they wouldn't give inn.

Four women were talking to one another about their sons, whom all were men of the cloth

The first woman said, "I'm so proud of my son. He's a monsignor, and when he enters the room, everyone calls him 'His Holiness.'" The second woman said, "My son is a Cardinal, and everyone calls him 'His Excellence' when he enters a room." The third woman said, "My son is a bishop, and when he enter...

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

One way or another,

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

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Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

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A blonde comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Shocked and furious, she pulls out a gun from her purse and points it at the couple on the bed. They recoil in fear.

But after a few seconds, the expression on the blondes face shifts from rage to one of sadness and despair.

She turns the gun away from the couple and points it at her o...

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

You know I heard that the Catholic Church was going to start letting priests and nuns marry one another

Though it may be hard for nuns to get out of the habit

A man who is already drunk from a bar is about to enter another bar...

...while still drunk he struggles to find the entrance to the bar. He is only able to notice a big sign reading "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE." The shocking warning sign instantly makes him snap out of drunkenness and quickly look down to see his shoes and shirt have been lost from his last drunk ...

My cat always sits in his box. I told him to be more creative and find himself another place.

He just can't think out of the box.

What is another name for an Eggplant?

A chicken. It plants eggs

So deep a friendship hath one man for another, that no female caress shall ever tear it asunder...

Boy, the guy that wrote that must have been some kind of a nut!

Apples have been cultivated by taking off branches of one tree and splicing them into another trees.

Luckily, animal breeders took another approach.

What is DJ Khalids favorite number?

11 because it has another one

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Another Parrot

A society woman is given a parrot as a gift. She quickly teaches the parrot to announce the various guests who arrive at her many parties. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." As Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrived, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and M...

Since other people liked the Turkish joke I translated, here’s another one

Nasreddin Hodja was on his deathbed. He called her wife and told her to dress up nicely and wear makeup. She was confused about why he wanted that, so she asked him why.

“Well, when the reaper comes he might like you more and take you with him instead of me.”

What do you get when you multiply a clock by another clock?

Times square

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Another dumb joke my dad told me, it's probably old af but I find it funny so here it is

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, Saint Peter is waiting for him. The man is shocked, as he had never believed in God.
He says to Saint Peter "Listen dude, I've made a terrible mistake by not believing in God. But ya see, I've been a real good person and have supported many r...

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An Irish man is walking home late one night when another man puts a gun to the back of his head...

The other man asks: “Are you Catholic, or Protestant?”

The Irish man thinks to himself. ‘If I say I am a Catholic and he is a Protestant, I’m dead. If I say I’m Protestant and he is a Catholic, I’m dead. What am I to say? Ah! I got it!’

“I am a Muslim.”

“I am the luckiest Jew on...

The American Military will never win another conflict.

Our enemies can just ask us to quarantine and we'll immediately refuse to hide.

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One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

A farmer needs another workhorse for his farm, so he looks in the classifieds and finds a horse for sale.

He calls the number, and an old Italian man answers. He says, "yes the horse is for sale but he no look-a too good." The farmer says, "I don't care what he looks like, he's just gonna help me out around here. I'll be there at 5 to get him."

The farmer pulls up with the trailer, pays the old I...

What's another reason why ants don't get coronavirus

Because they are good at keeping six feet apart

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

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A man catches his wife in bed with another man. He pulls out a gun...

...and holds it to his head, saying "I'm going to kill myself!"

His wife turns to her lover and says "See? I told you he was an idiot."

The man turns red-faced with anger and shouts "Oh, don't you worry, you heartless bitch. You're next!"

One casket said to another

"Is that you coughing?"

“If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

“One quarter." answered little Johnny.

“You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

Another crudely translated Persian joke

A Persian man asks a Turkish man "who do you like more, your mom or your dad?" to which the Turkish man replies "your mom!"

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

Another deserted island joke...

A chemist, a physicist, and an economist are shipwrecked on a deserted island, with only a book of waterproof matches, a set of flares, and a case of canned soup.

“All we have to eat is this soup,” said the chemist as he set of the first flare. “Let’s set the cans here, near the water, so th...

Husband calls his wife at home and finds out she's in bed with another man

Husband (H) calls home and the cleaning lady (CL) answers the phone:

CL: Hello?

H: Can I speak to the missus please

CL: She's a bit busy now, she can't come to the phone right now

H: Why? What is she doing?

CL: She's in the bedroom with her friend

H: What fr...

A man was walking down the streets when another man approached him.

"WOW IS THAT YOU JOE YOU CHANGED A LOT, YOUR HAIR CHANGED A LOT JOE YOUR EYES CHANGED A LOT JOE EVEN YOUR FACE CHANGED A LOT JOE ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW MUCH PEOPLE CAN CHANGE IN THE COURSE OF A YEAR JOE?" The approaching man shouted. The other man replied with "My name isn't Joe..." So the other guy ...

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

I just got reminded of my ex-wife who is deaf, she left me for another deaf person.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

From one kind to another

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"We don't serve STRINGS here," the bartender sneers. "Get out!"

Dejected, the string leaves and walks to the corner. Then - he gets an idea! He twists around, fluffs his hair, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks up, na...

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What does one potato say to another when he’s horny?

Wanna hash?

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

Two crows were fighting and another crow came and broke it up.

"Stop carrion on like that," the third crow said.

Another joke translated from my native language

There's recently been many jokes in languages from people around the world. I though I'd give it a go.


Johnny got a brand new bike and was proudly riding it around his house.
He rode past the kitchen window and yelled to his mom: "hey mom, look! I am riding without my legs". A while la...

I've got one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other.

This is one unhappy Leprechaun.

Another joke translated from Arabic

A man was walking home from work when he got in a car accident

His wife comes in a hurry to the hospital and asks the Doctor how he’s doing the Doctor says

“We got him out of intensive care but he died”

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A son calls his parents in another state, to say something about school.

Parents: "How are things going?"

Son: "Well, I got 95 on one of my exams..."

Parents: "Why son, good for you!"

Son: "Yeah but... it was the SAT's"

What is another name for an employee at Weight Watchers

A mass murderer

What did ocean say to another ocean?

w-water you doing step-bro?

Another one translated to English, this time from Czech :)

A farmer went to the mall to do some shopping. He bought an anvil and a bucket in the hardware store.
In the animal store he bought a pair of chickens and a goose. But how to carry it all now?
The shopkeeper advised him: "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry that in one hand, put the goos...

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

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Emma was not like the other girls. She didn't know why all the others were crazy about Derek. She felt more intimate with Jessie and the cheerleaders than with another guys. She was reaching a moment in her life when she had to ask herself the question.

Emma gay

My wife drives a big Ford F-150 extended cab/extended bed. She said she saw another one just like it today and decided to ram into it.

I asked her why the hell she would do that and she said she was trying to make a Ford Fusion.

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

A guys in a bar turns to another

A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.

He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".

The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".

The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I ...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

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What did one body of water say to another?

Nothing, they can't fucking speak.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Three people are stranded in the desert. One has a canteen, another has a flare gun, and the last one has a car door.

They ask the first person, "Why did you bring a canteen?"

The first person responds, "So we can fill it up with water and use it to drink."

They ask the second person, "Why did you bring a flare gun?"

The second person responds, "So I can send a distress signal and someone can f...

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were “Alright, let’s split up gang.”

I hope we don't get another animal to human epidemic

All the crow people have been eating lately.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

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After My wife passed away it took a long time for me to be able to have sex with another woman.

I guess I had mourning wood.

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A man walks into a bar. Orders a drink. Spits it out. "This is only aged two years!". So the tender gives him another. He spits again. "This is only aged four years!". The tender gives him one more. The man spits it out. "The hell is this? It tastes like piss!"

The tender says, "It is. How old am I?"

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"

and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)

A man wakes up with another man in his bed

His wife walks in and asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

He replies, “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight”

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

How does a nut say good bye to another nut?

I'll Cashew later bro.

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

Another Parrot Joke

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in...

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it was during my naval career, I walked into another seedy bar

In another seedy port. I ordered a drink. A prostitute sidles up to me and says " Hey sailor, do you want to try something new". I replied, "how, do you have leprosy?"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he i...

A woman came home to find her husband sleeping with another woman.

Distraught, the wife leave the house and decides to go and seek the advice of a wise monk who lives on a mountain.

The wife travels up the mountain to the monk and asks him for advice. The monk thinks for a minute and then offers the wife a cookie, she accepts and eats it, he then offers her ...

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A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

There's a flood. A guy has retreated all the way up to his roof. Another guy, in a boat, comes along.

"Hop in, I'll take you to safety." Says the guy in the boat.

"Nonsense! I have faith in God. He will bring me salvation." replies the guy on the roof.

A few hours later, the same guy returns, this time in a police speedboat

"Get in! The water's rising!" He yells to the guy on hi...

Another blonde joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead die and since they were bad people they go to hell.

However, God says "since you weren't terrible people people I'd like to give you a second chance, if you can climb up all 100 steps of this ladder without laughing at my jokes I'll give you a second chance....

Pandemic has led to another type of shortage:

Social skills

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

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A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him

Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this ...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

A newly released document from the CIA reveals that except his sister - Maja Einstein, Albert Einstein had a younger brother from another father.

His name was revealed to be Barrett Zweistein.

Trump walks into an electronics store...

He says to the salesman "I'd like to buy that little TV and install it in my limo".

"Sorry, I don't want to sell you anything."

Angered, Trump takes the limo home and decides to give it another go. To cleverly fool the salesman, he dyes his hair black, puts on an Elvis costume and goe...

A man was relaxing on a beach shore.

Here’s a Punjabi joke my grandma likes to tell to everyone she meets, hope it translates well

An Indian man was relaxing on a beach shore in America, when someone walked by and asked “Hey, you relaxing?” The man, not knowing what relaxing meant, replied “No, I am Jagdeep Singh.” After an hour...

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A young man who barely looks of age walks into a bar...

...and orders a shot of whiskey. After checking his ID, the bartender pours him one. The young man grabs the shot glass and throws it back, slams it down on the counter and orders another.

The bartender pours it and again the young man slams it back and demands one more.
The bartender rel...

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A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.

When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it pres...

What happens when one plate goes on top of another?

You get an earthquake

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

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Another 'Walk into the Bar' joke.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine." The bartender asks about his wooden leg. "You didn't have that before?" The pirate says, "Well, we were in a battle and I go...

An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

A bus carrying many ugly people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.

The next person can’...

Some people have said that next year should be a re-do of 2020, but I think we should wait another year

So it would be 2022.

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

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