UPJOKE
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Probably Jokes

Titles of books you probably don't want your kid to read.

"You're Different and That's Bad."

"Why cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket be Friends?"

"Let's Find and Play With Mommy and Daddy's Toys."

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

The smuggling priest (probably repost)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; a...

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

I probably own the worst thesaurus in the world.

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""

The gir...

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

In online chatting,if a girl says she is 18,she is probably 16

If she tells she is 16,she is probably 14

If she tell she is 14, He is probably 52

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Aliens are probably monitoring our media.

98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

Probably the longest joke I know

So this man is driving in his car to work, and he hears this beautiful noise that he needs to immediately hear.

He drives to the noise and it brings him to a church where he encounters a priest, the noise is louder now, he asks the priest:

“What is that noise? It is so beautiful!”
<...

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NSFW She's Probably Right

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do y...

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

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The popularity of Lightning McQueen racecar beds probably means that Lightning McQueen has been peed on more then any other fictional character.

He really does deserve the "Pissed In" cup.

Probably, anyway.

A family was standing on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, looking out at the raging water.

"Look, daughter!" The Mom said. "Did you know on this side of the Falls is one country, and the other side of the Falls is a different country?"

"Really?" said the daughter, amazed.

"Y...

A lady goes into a store, and asks "You're probably out of eggs, right?"

The cashier says, "Sorry- we're the store that's out of bread. The store with no eggs is across the street..."

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She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

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Probably been here before, but I heard this one at summer camp

The old man who lives in the tall bell tower needed someone to help him with ringing the bell, as he was getting too old.

The first person who arrived was like the old man and was not strong enough to produce a loud sound with the bell.

The second person who showed up was a boy who had...

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies forever.

You know what they say about old habits.

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Best joke probably ever

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." P...

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected.

Not by choice either.

Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone

Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?



Me: Oh

The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.

You could even say they were like fish out of water.

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

Hell is probably full of Christians.

Just like American prisons.

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

Arugula is probably my favorite.

of all the field greens named for the sound of an old-timey car horn.

Probability theory

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I re...

Overthinking is probably better than underthinking

idk I haven't really thought about it

You’ve probably heard this one before...

You’re such a disappointment

Probably unoriginal, thought of this over dinner

What do you call a hypothetical situation where two men in wheelchairs, wielding guns face each other, ready to fire?

Well you can't call it a stand-off, that's for sure.

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Mark Watney and Mike Tyson would probably get along great.

Both agree that poop is growth.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”


"So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.


“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
<...

So you've probably heard

So you've probably heard the Brazilian variant of COVID is a bit more infectious than what we have here up north.

Don't worry, I hear things are going to clear up a lot down south when they get a Brazilian Vax.

Probably a repost, but I haven't seen it here...

A Jewish man dies and goes to Heaven.

When he gets there, he meets God, who tells him that he has to tell a good joke to be admitted.

The Jewish man tells him a joke about the Holocaust.

God looks puzzled, scratches his head, and says, "I don't get it."

The Jewish ...

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One of my favorites, probably a repost...

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school?

SON: At school *robot slaps son*

SON: Ok, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*...

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Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

My dad's probably proud of me

Now if only he comes home with the milk

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Probably a blonde!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

Little known fact: Jesus was most probably a student.

* He still lived with his parents
* Long, uncut hair
* And if he did something for once, it was a miracle.

My biggest weakness is probably indecisiveness

I think...

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Probably bad but why not. Al Pacino and a dwarf walk into a bar

The bartender asks Pacino what he wants to drink, but ignores the dwarf. This goes on for some time, until the dwarf gets pissed and tells Pacino. Pacino then pulls out a gun and points it at the bartender, and shouts "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"

You probably need glasses.

- What?
- I SAID, YOU PROBABLY NEED GLASSES!
- Ohh... Yeah.
- Also a hearing aid.
- What?

Just overheard this in a local McDonald's

This is probably the only funny joke I know.

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having hearing problems.

He told me to describe my symptoms.

I told him, "Sure. They're yellow. Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

On my mom's death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her

I told her ... put in a good word for me.

Allah is probably the true god

Because the universe started with an explosion...

I probably shouldn't be driving right now...

but bad brakes haven't stopped me before.

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

Probably one for British people

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.

"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will f...

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

I just thought up what is probably the worst pickup line ever...

Are you a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in you.

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You are the father, Probably the best joke ever

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the on...

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A guy told me I probably fight like a girl.

So I fucked his best friend

I'm probably gonna date myself by saying this, but...

Will I go out with me?

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

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Probably the shittiest dad joke I've ever heard

Mom: honey, the can opener is broken, can you help me?

Dad: guess you can call it a can't opener.

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

Y'all probably know this one

A skeleton walks into a bar, order a beer and a mop

This probably isn't the place to post this.

My heart breaks! VERY SAD DAY TODAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. Even worse, is the fact ...

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

You're probably wondering why I spent 9000 hours browsing wikipedia

I swear, I can explain everything.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

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Old one you might not have heard (but probably have)

A farmer would always wait until the last minute to go to the bathroom and his wife would holler at him that he was going to shit out his guts one of these days. One day while he was out on his tractor she was gutting a chicken and had the idea to put the guts into the toilet as a joke. Sure enough,...

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

my friend told me that im probably going to have a gambling addiction

i told him:
"how much are you willing to bet on that"

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[NSFW] First (And probably last) time I ever had sex.

The first time I ever had sex, I slipped it in started humping away. Bout a min goes by I notice she's shaking. Check to see if she's okay.

Shaking from laughter.

"What is it?" I say as my confidence is rapidly dropping.

"Ya-nununa Haha me"

"What!?"

"YOU'RE NOT IN ...

My kids would probably die if I vaccinated them.

That’s why I let the nurse do it.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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Probably has been said before but...

They say you can't polish a turd. That's false, its just really shitty work.

The frisbee industry will probably die one day...

...but boomerangs, those will always make a comeback.

Neo probably should have taken the blue pill

Ask Hugh Hefner.

probably won't get him laid

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.

"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.

"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love ...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

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Redditors probably will never have anal sex.

When they do get anal, it's about a post on r/Jokes

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Probably the filthiest joke out there

A guy was going down on a woman when he tastes horse semen. He turns to the woman and says "Damn Grandma, so that's how you died!"

A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel.

A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

I was told “it’ll probably take a while to get over your ex...”

Not at 60mph.

If Elon Musk released a line of fragrances they would probably call it..

Tesla for Men or something like that

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

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You probably already know this one

One man was in an airplane and when they started "flying" the pilot turned on the Mic to say the usual:"we are (some number) feet above the ground". But then he forgot to turn the Mic off and he says to the co-pilot while everyone is listening:"God! Right now, all I want is a coffee and a good blowj...

A new air filtration system has probably been the biggest waste of money I've had.

It just sits there and collects dust.

This is probably the worst joke that I -a dad - ever told. But it still made my daughter laugh.

My wife, teenage daughter and I are sitting in a restaurant discussing Italian cuisine.

Wife: There's nothing better than fresh gnocchi.

Me: There's nothing better than getting fresh and gnocching someone up.

I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down

[remooooooved]

You should probably not trust me if...

I'm in my bed, because I'm probably going to lie there

Y'all probably will hate me for this. Spoiler alert for Frozen II.

In the first movie Anna was Frozen

Now in the second movie Elsa is frozen too (Frozen 2)

I'm sorry I shall take my leave

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Doctor: I'm sorry but your heart is going to fail... probably within next month.

Patient: oh!! Is there anything I can do?

Doc: well you have to quit smoking, no alcohol, only eat vegan food, absolutely no exercise at all, do not take any exciting activity, also try not to meet your friends, no internet, no computer games, and obviously no sex.

Pat: would I live lo...

I probably should kill myself

Because I want to leave the same way I came. By my own hand.

Probably too soon

News is Robin Williams didn't commit suicide.

Apparently, he was Ru-Fi-O'd.

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

The first time Snoop Dogg bought a pot pie he was probably very disappointed.

I’m sorry but I thought of this and nearly peed myself

I would say my girlfriend is about the square root of -100 probably

10, but also imaginary

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If you've not been to the toilet since midnight, you probably should.

You really should let go of last year's shit.

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

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My first joke, probably sucks

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

Pearl Jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen.

Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.

Tell a woman she is beautiful every day and she probably won't remember you having said anything

Call a woman fat once and she will remember that for as long as you live.

Because elephants never forget.

People never talk about the 12th reindeer, probably because she's so rude to Rudolph

Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

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Just a short joke you are probably pretty familiar with

yep, it's your penis

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