It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

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Probably bad but why not. Al Pacino and a dwarf walk into a bar

The bartender asks Pacino what he wants to drink, but ignores the dwarf. This goes on for some time, until the dwarf gets pissed and tells Pacino. Pacino then pulls out a gun and points it at the bartender, and shouts "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

Probably a repost, but I haven't seen it here...

A Jewish man dies and goes to Heaven.

When he gets there, he meets God, who tells him that he has to tell a good joke to be admitted.

The Jewish man tells him a joke about the Holocaust.

God looks puzzled, scratches his head, and says, "I don't get it."

The Jewish ...

Probably unoriginal, thought of this over dinner

What do you call a hypothetical situation where two men in wheelchairs, wielding guns face each other, ready to fire?

Well you can't call it a stand-off, that's for sure.

Overthinking is probably better than underthinking

idk I haven't really thought about it

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

As an ancient Egyptian my biggest worry would probably be...

That the people burying me would forget the toothbrush.

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

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I picked up a girl at the bar the other day.

She took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit, it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I pro...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can’t get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

The shave is going well and the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. As the barber finished the man goes to spit the ball out but ...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.

You could even say they were like fish out of water.

You’ve probably heard this one before...

You’re such a disappointment

Why did the chicken cross the road?

For some fowl reason, probably.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about my wife

I would probably think about her a lot more

What's one thing you almost never need but if you need it once and don't have it, you probably won't need it ever again?

Parachute.

PS: Just as I was typing this out I realized a seatbelt would fit the category too.

I watched a documentary on Marijuana last night…

…that’s probably how I’ll watch all documentaries from now on.

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Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit responded, “I’m probably a type O.”

What's a Maths student's favorite drink?

Probably tea.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

A waiter walks up to a man and asks..

Waiter: "Sir, are you ready to order?"

Man: "I am, but my wife is in the bathroom."

Waiter: "Well do you know what she's having?"

Man: "It's been 10 minutes so probably a number 2."

This is probably the only funny joke I know.

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having hearing problems.

He told me to describe my symptoms.

I told him, "Sure. They're yellow. Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

Hell is probably full of Christians.

Just like American prisons.

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his dat...

Arugula is probably my favorite.

of all the field greens named for the sound of an old-timey car horn.

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My boss hates it when i shorten his name to Dick

Probably since his name is Michael.

If life gives you melons…..

You’re probably dyslexic.

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

Cloning ethics question.

Cloning yourself and pushing your clone off a cliff to its death is probably a crime, but what crime is it?

Is it murder?

Suicide?

Or making an obscene clone fall?

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

You probably already know the one about pterodactyls not making noise going to the bathroom, cause the p is silent....

That just means urine on the joke.

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If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand.....

I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

Last month, I gave half of my salary to charity.

That's probably why my wife found out about her.

A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel.

A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track

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jokes are like farts.

if you force them, it's probably shit.

Did you hear about the dog that writes books?

Probably not, he’s never been published.

He only does ruff drafts.

My dad's probably proud of me

Now if only he comes home with the milk

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down

[remooooooved]

Horologists probably never get tired of hearing the same repeated jokes when they mention their profession.

They deeply appreciate things that happen like clockwork.

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

Don't look out these blonds at the supermarket

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!



You may find superhot blonds on Walmart. They used to hang out around the big 24 hr Supermarket car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds. They are very convincing and very hot!

Once in your car the Blonde o...

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

haha Belgians dumb

The King of Belgian visits the King of the Netherlands and laments that the Dutch people always make fun of the Belgian people. "Can't you just do something rediculously stupid? That way we have something to make fun of you. Just make a bridge in the middle of the desert, that would be so dumb"
<...

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

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A businessman's talking parrot orders 5,000 barrels of crude oil

A businessman with a talking parrot goes to work. He leaves the parrot behind at home, and the intelligent bird decides to fuck around with his old man.

As soon as the man leaves through the door, the parrot picks up the phone and says, "Hello, I'd like to order 5000 barrels of crude oil."...

My roommate is incredibly superstitious..

When he made breakfast, he yelled "Look at this! My Alpha-Bits are HAUNTED! I took a spoonful and it says 'OOOOOO'!" and I was like, "Dude, those are Cheerios.."

When he made lunch, he yelled "Dude, check this out! My alphabet soup is HAUNTED! I took a spoonful and it says 'OOOOOO'!" and I wa...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

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A date in the 1950's

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” say...

Dick is short for Richard

But that's probably just genetics

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped b...

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In the summer, I was watching a baseball game that was getting a bit boring

The broadcast had a main "play by play" commentator and also a "color" commentator (to talk about stats, player's backgrounds, and random stuff the viewers would find interesting).

At one particularly dead point, the color commentator said "I've got three trivia questions here. First one - f...

So you've probably heard

So you've probably heard the Brazilian variant of COVID is a bit more infectious than what we have here up north.

Don't worry, I hear things are going to clear up a lot down south when they get a Brazilian Vax.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Two men are in a rowboat…

…After being shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific. The first man looks over to the second and says: “We should paddle to the west. It is the way the ship was going. They’ll probably look for us first over there.”

The second man nods and says: “We could do that, or…”

The first man i...

I just thought up what is probably the worst pickup line ever...

Are you a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in you.

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An Irish daughter (Probably been posted before but still a favorite)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

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Real or Fake???

### Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.


I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to th...

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

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Harold and Phil are out golfing

Phil craves a smoke, so he pulls out a cigarette and asks Harold if he has a light.

"Sure", says Harold. He reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a massive foot-long gas lighter.

"Wow, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks Phil.

"My genie", says Harold.

"Your... ge...

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

Reddit should rename 'karma' to 'creddit', 'share' to 'spreddit' and 'delete' to 'shreddit'. If they do, they won't regreddit.

They probably won't, and i don't geddit.

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

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When all is said and done it'll probably be safe to trust the coronavirus vaccine made by Pfizer...

Pfizer makes Viagra. If they can raise the dead, they can certainly take care of the living!

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A man walks to his neighbour's house to complain about the noise

He knocks and a kid comes out



The man asks the kid where his dad is the kid tells him "In the shower"




The man then asks where his mom is to which he replies "In the shower"




Then man then says "When the fuck are they coming out then it's been all...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer"

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What's common between me, good quality olive oil, and probably you?

They're all extra virgin.

A wife asked her husband...

"Why did the vacuum cleaner stop sucking?"
"I don't know it probably got married..."

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

My friends & I just started a band called Missing Cat.

You’ve probably seen our posters around town.

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

My biggest weakness is probably indecisiveness

I think...

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny t...

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Another dumb joke my dad told me, it's probably old af but I find it funny so here it is

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, Saint Peter is waiting for him. The man is shocked, as he had never believed in God.
He says to Saint Peter "Listen dude, I've made a terrible mistake by not believing in God. But ya see, I've been a real good person and have supported many r...

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

There really should be a subgenre of hip-hop called Bubble Rap

It would probably sound a lot like pop.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

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One Day

Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."

If I had a DeLorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time.

My boss called me. He was very angry.

"You're late!" he shrieked. "We've got a big meeting in five minutes!"

"I'm on my way to my car as we speak," I replied.

"Do you think you'll make it?" he asked desperately.

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.

Little known fact: Jesus was most probably a student.

* He still lived with his parents
* Long, uncut hair
* And if he did something for once, it was a miracle.

my friend told me that im probably going to have a gambling addiction

i told him:
"how much are you willing to bet on that"

After years of dating. John and Gail decided to go ahead and get married.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you...

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Hitler, Stalin, and Napolean are complaining in the afterlife...

Hitler whines "if I had Russian oil, I would have flattened Moscow."

Stalin replies "if I had the German Lufftwaffe, I would have taken over all of Europe."

Then Napolean says "if I had Russian and German propaganda nobody would know I had lost."

Not a knee-slapper, but it's pro...

Tell a woman she is beautiful every day and she probably won't remember you having said anything

Call a woman fat once and she will remember that for as long as you live.

Because elephants never forget.

Five Things

Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You pr...

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

At least two, but they probably won't fit in the lightbulb

how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

i dont have the exact number, but its probably moderna few.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theme parks are like losing your virginity.

You wait ages for a ride, and it’s over in 30 seconds. And you’re probably not the first one on the ride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

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My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops shit themselves in WWII.

He was probably the worst cook the Reich had.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

Scientists have declared that ants are immune to COVID-19....

They think its probably because they have.... anty bodies

I'm probably gonna date myself by saying this, but...

Will I go out with me?

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

A new air filtration system has probably been the biggest waste of money I've had.

It just sits there and collects dust.

I can't see the end, I've lost control, I've no home, and I don't think there's an escape.

It's probably about time I bought a new keyboard.

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Two economists are walking in the woods...

Two economists are walking in the woods when they encounter a rotting deer carcass.


One economist turns to the other and says, "I bet you $4000 you won't sniff that carcass."

The other economist isn't going to turn down $4000 so he leans over and sniffs it. Then he turns to the fi...

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

The smuggling priest (probably repost)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; a...

My German grandfather was probably the first moderator on Reddit.

At least he was dying for his sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: I'm sorry but your heart is going to fail... probably within next month.

Patient: oh!! Is there anything I can do?

Doc: well you have to quit smoking, no alcohol, only eat vegan food, absolutely no exercise at all, do not take any exciting activity, also try not to meet your friends, no internet, no computer games, and obviously no sex.

Pat: would I live lo...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

Being taken to heaven

Sunday school teacher asks her class "when a person dies, what part of you does God take to heaven? " hands go up and she calls on a young girl in the front.



The girl says "I think God takes your hands first because when we pray we put our hands together."



"What a good ...

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

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Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

Two Iranian soldiers find a couple of American rockets while on patrol

One says: "they probably fell without blowing up, lets load them up and take them back to base"

The other says: "But what if one of them blows up on the way back?"

He replies: "We will tell them we only found one"

Cats are a lot like guns

Regardless of whether you love them or you think that nobody should own them, you've probably thought about shooting one before.

Okay, my humor is a bit dry, but enjoy? I guess? You probably won’t but eh, I don’t care.

So the president asked one of his advisers if there were any Walmart’s in Iran, but his advisor replies:

“Mr. President, there are no Walmart’s in Iran, only targets.”

What do you get if you eat 3.14 desserts?

You probably get Fat.

What? were you expecting a pi joke?

Not on my cake day!

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

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