I know that alcohol probably won't solve any of my problems...

But it's worth a shot

Y'all probably will hate me for this. Spoiler alert for Frozen II.

In the first movie Anna was Frozen

Now in the second movie Elsa is frozen too (Frozen 2)

I'm sorry I shall take my leave

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Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr Baker was probably a baker. Mr Butcher was probably a butcher.

And then there was Mr Dickinson…

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

As a man I know I have something women will probably never have.

Pockets.

Sorry. On behalf of all of us.

It’s probably not safe for me to drive my car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnelvision? (OC... you can probably tell)

All ICY is you!

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies

Because you know what they say about old habits.

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

People who are cross eyed were probably never told "keep making that face and it will stay that way"

Double crossed imo

What can a female drift racer wear that male ones wouldn't probably wear?

A skrrt.

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I hope its not a repost(but probably is nothing is ever new anymore)- I recently joined so go easy on me: Man approaches Woman in a bar.

Man: How many people have you had sex with?

Woman: Hey! That's my personal business!

Man: Oh sorry, I didn't know you make a living out of it.- bye!

You probably think that Goofy is a nice guy, and he really is.

But just don't mess with his friends or he will hyuck you up.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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Probably a blonde!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

What has a bunch of KKK’s and has been hated on for a long time, and will probably be hated until they’re all gone, unless they keep reproducing?

Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. Kris. Kanye. Kendall. Kylie.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

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If a large black woman says something is the bomb you should probably eat it

But if a Muslim guy says something’s the bomb you should evacuate the building

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I was told “it’ll probably take a while to get over your ex...”

Not at 60mph.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his w...

If you have to clarify what something is in another sentence, it's probably not a good thing.

and that's a fact

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At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

Neo probably should have taken the blue pill

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Y'all probably know this one

A skeleton walks into a bar, order a beer and a mop

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off...

The frisbee industry will probably die one day...

...but boomerangs, those will always make a comeback.

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Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."

She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."

I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

So I heard Katy Perry just lost a case for stealing a bass line, and will probably lose a bit of money?

I guess you can call that a *repercussion.*

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

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[NSFW] First (And probably last) time I ever had sex.

The first time I ever had sex, I slipped it in started humping away. Bout a min goes by I notice she's shaking. Check to see if she's okay.

Shaking from laughter.

"What is it?" I say as my confidence is rapidly dropping.

"Ya-nununa Haha me"

"What!?"

"YOU'RE NOT IN ...

Girls are probably really interested and just are too intimidated and shy to talk to you

And other hilarious jokes you can read by yourself at 3am

Probably been posted before, but: So what if I can't spell armageddon....

Its not the end of the world.

Probably already been posted but my journalism teacher just recently told us this

What do you call someone that knows 3 languages?

Trilingual

What do you call someone that knows 2 languages?

Bilingual

What do you call someone that only knows 1 language?

American

Allah is probably the true god

Because the universe started with an explosion...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

An inspector is going around the village, reviewing all the arrow-makers and their products. When the inspector reaches John the arrow-maker John tells him: "You know, these arrows are probably the worst in town. I'm really bad at putting the feathers on the end. I'm decent at the rest though."

The inspector looks up and replies: "Weird fletch but ok"

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It took me a while to get this...funny when I did though

Cats probably wonder why soda cans/bottles yell "FUCK OFF" when they are opened...

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

If Elon Musk released a line of fragrances they would probably call it..

Tesla for Men or something like that

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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They say sex sells...

Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

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I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Of all the things a man should never say while going down on a woman, the worst is probably:

"Tastes just like mom used to make it."

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Good advice?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd st...

When I close my eyes, I always see the color green.

Probably just a pigment of my imagination.

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

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If my ancestors hadn't managed to escape from Nazi Germany, I probably wouldn't exist.

They went to Argentina in 1945.

I ate a bottle of glue and they say I’ll probably die but I haven’t yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

Have you ever heard about the movie Constipation?

You probably didn't,
Because it never Came Out.

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Best joke probably ever

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." P...

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

If you think about it, Trump is probably one of the smartest people in the world

Even the President says so

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

So two men walk into a tie shop

The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"


The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

Probably posted somewhere else, can't remember tho

So I walk into my house to my girlfriend holding a positive pregnancy test we exchanged the following conversation:

- (my name) i'm pregnant

Seeing the joke right before my eyes, I followed with:

- hi pregnant, i'm dad

- ummm about that..... you're uncle, is that ok?

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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it it’s probably shit.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho ho ho.


Probably been posted, but made me chuckle and is a goody

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

Job interview for a TV news anchor

At a job interview for a TV news anchor an applicant seems very qualified and well suited for the job. But the recruiters notice an uncontrolled wink in the man's right eye. They tell him that he'd be great for the job if it wasn't for the frequent winking, which probably won't go down well with the...

My kids would probably die if I vaccinated them.

That’s why I let the nurse do it.

I like to imagine that Little Debbie has been eating her cakes over the past several years...

She’s probably had to change her name to Debra by now

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

How come more people don't understand that: If you think everyone else is being an idiot, it's actually probably you.

They're all idiots.

Double trouble

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit… well, more than a bit… had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a “S...

My sister always said she’d go down in history. But I didn't believe her.

Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

You probably know how most cheese is produced, and the steps taken to make the different varieties of cheese,

but did you know Edam is made backwards?

230 - 220 x 0.5 = ?

You probably won’t believe it but the answer is 5!

A man walks into the store to buy condoms

Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?

Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.

Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!

Did you see the milk that went by here?

No?


It probably got pasteurized.

The smuggling priest (probably repost)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; a...

Three Friends Are Arguing

Three friends are arguing about who gets the most tips at work.

Guy 1, a waiter: "Oh I get a healthy tip from almost every table, I reckon I make about 200 dollars in tips on a busy night."

Guy 2, a valet: "Pshh, that's nothing; I get a healthy tip every time I park a car, I probably a...

Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone

Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?



Me: Oh

65% of women will be objectified at some point in their lives.

The other 35% are probably ugly.

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

So you know how people say "Say no to drugs"?

If I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids’ present in the piñata

The dog might get hit

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My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

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Do you want to hear the one about the prostitute?

Eh, probably not, it's whorible

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

Probably a repost but here goes...

An elderly English gentleman is visiting France.

When he gets to the border, the officer asks him for his passport. Baffled, the Englishman replies that he didn't know he needed to show one to get into France, as he didn't have to show one to anyone the last time he visited.

"Impossibl...

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My dad told me this one so it should probably go on r/dadjokes but oh well.

Two men go hunting and hunter 1 tells the other he has to take a leak. So he goes behind some trees and starts pissing. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites his dick. He runs away to hunter 2 and says “oh my god man a snake just bit my dick please go get help!” So hunter 2 goes to find...

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I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

My wife and I were at a show watching a beautiful dancer on stage...

Wife: Did you just wolf-whistle when she did the splits?

Me: Um no, it was probably just trapped air escaping.

If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

Changed my job

Recently changed from working at a restaurant to working in a hospital. Probably should try to stop saying "We hope to welcome you again soon"

Some guys wake up and pump iron...

I wake up and pump protein.

Told my wife that this afternoon after getting lucky this morning. I think her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

I'll probably be working out solo for a while.

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl...

My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist.

But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!

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A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand the...

"You won't believe who I ran into today!"

"Who?"

"I don't know but she's in the hospital and I will probably lose my driving license."

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Have u heard of the band 999mb?

No? Well it's probably cause they haven't had a gig yet.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Jack and Bobby are arguing in the playground.

"My dad's better than your dad," says Jack.

"Oh yeah," replies Bobby. "Well, my mom's better than your mom!"

"You're probably right," says Jack. "My dad says the same thing."

The guy who played Elliot in E.T. just got a DUI.

Probably wouldn't have gotten pulled over if he had taken the bicycle.

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A woman is having an interview for her dream job

Coming to the end of the interview the person interviewing her asks “so what would you say is your biggest weakness?”

The woman replies “probably my honesty.”

The interviewer says “well hang on that can often be seen as a really big positive!”

The woman says: “I don’t give a f...

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Probably the chicken as eggs cant

A decent girl is like a decent username

Probably taken already.

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A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

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A teacher was working with a group of children,

trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored ...

My ex-girlfriend speaks Xhosa and I don’t.

Probably why we didn’t click.

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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