Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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Probably a blonde!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

I was told “it’ll probably take a while to get over your ex...”

Not at 60mph.

If you have to clarify what something is in another sentence, it's probably not a good thing.

and that's a fact

What has a bunch of KKK’s and has been hated on for a long time, and will probably be hated until they’re all gone, unless they keep reproducing?

Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. Kris. Kanye. Kendall. Kylie.

Neo probably should have taken the blue pill

Ask Hugh Hefner.

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At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

The frisbee industry will probably die one day...

...but boomerangs, those will always make a comeback.

So I heard Katy Perry just lost a case for stealing a bass line, and will probably lose a bit of money?

I guess you can call that a *repercussion.*

Sureño gang members are probably the most literate of criminal gangs in the USA

They're always talking about essays

Girls are probably really interested and just are too intimidated and shy to talk to you

And other hilarious jokes you can read by yourself at 3am

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[NSFW] First (And probably last) time I ever had sex.

The first time I ever had sex, I slipped it in started humping away. Bout a min goes by I notice she's shaking. Check to see if she's okay.

Shaking from laughter.

"What is it?" I say as my confidence is rapidly dropping.

"Ya-nununa Haha me"

"What!?"

"YOU'RE NOT IN ...

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

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Guy: I buried my wife 2 days ago! Friend: Shit! I'm sorry, man. When did she die?

Guy:Probably sometime yesterday

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

Probably already been posted but my journalism teacher just recently told us this

What do you call someone that knows 3 languages?

Trilingual

What do you call someone that knows 2 languages?

Bilingual

What do you call someone that only knows 1 language?

American

I probably shouldn't be driving right now...

but bad brakes haven't stopped me before.

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

Allah is probably the true god

Because the universe started with an explosion...

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

If Elon Musk released a line of fragrances they would probably call it..

Tesla for Men or something like that

If I had a dollar for every corrupt politician...

I could probably buy one of them out in Congress.

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If my ancestors hadn't managed to escape from Nazi Germany, I probably wouldn't exist.

They went to Argentina in 1945.

Probably been posted before, but: So what if I can't spell armageddon....

Its not the end of the world.

Of all the things a man should never say while going down on a woman, the worst is probably:

"Tastes just like mom used to make it."

I ate a bottle of glue and they say I’ll probably die but I haven’t yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

Probably posted somewhere else, can't remember tho

So I walk into my house to my girlfriend holding a positive pregnancy test we exchanged the following conversation:

- (my name) i'm pregnant

Seeing the joke right before my eyes, I followed with:

- hi pregnant, i'm dad

- ummm about that..... you're uncle, is that ok?

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Best joke probably ever

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." P...

My kids would probably die if I vaccinated them.

That’s why I let the nurse do it.

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

If you think about it, Trump is probably one of the smartest people in the world

Even the President says so

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone

Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?



Me: Oh

The smuggling priest (probably repost)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; a...

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My dad told me this one so it should probably go on r/dadjokes but oh well.

Two men go hunting and hunter 1 tells the other he has to take a leak. So he goes behind some trees and starts pissing. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites his dick. He runs away to hunter 2 and says “oh my god man a snake just bit my dick please go get help!” So hunter 2 goes to find...

Probably a repost but here goes...

An elderly English gentleman is visiting France.

When he gets to the border, the officer asks him for his passport. Baffled, the Englishman replies that he didn't know he needed to show one to get into France, as he didn't have to show one to anyone the last time he visited.

"Impossibl...

I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

You probably know how most cheese is produced, and the steps taken to make the different varieties of cheese,

but did you know Edam is made backwards?

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

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So as some of you probably already heard Overwatch character Soldier 76 was confirmed to be a gay.

His voiceline *"Well, all that stuff they pumped into me has to be good for something."* did not age well though.

This probably isn't the place to post this.

My heart breaks! VERY SAD DAY TODAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. Even worse, is the fact ...

A (probably) already told joke

What do you call people in a earthquake?





***SHOOK***

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NSFW She's Probably Right

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do y...

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Redditors probably will never have anal sex.

When they do get anal, it's about a post on r/Jokes

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

I would say my girlfriend is about the square root of -100 probably

10, but also imaginary

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

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A guy told me I probably fight like a girl.

So I fucked his best friend

Probably too soon to update this, but here goes anyway. . .

Twenty years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. Now we have no jobs, no hope, no cash, and no soul.

Everyone makes the joke over here "everything in Australia can kill you". You know what probably won't kill you in Australia?

An assault rifle

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People often ask me what’s the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you’re a Jew, you’re born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you’re just religious, you’re only kind of a Jew

You’re Jew*ish*.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

Middle school dance parties probably look like a fortnite lobby now.

Lots of ridiculous dancing and and unnecessary shooting.

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She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

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This joke will probably bomb...

You know why it's so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?



You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets the message.

The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'

No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

Probably one for British people

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.

"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will f...

When the Titanic sank, many of those people that died in the freezing water probably went to Hell.

And for the first few minutes I bet it felt kind of nice.

The first time someone drastically changed the Bible people probably thought "Wow...

...loose canon."

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Probably has been said before but...

They say you can't polish a turd. That's false, its just really shitty work.

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

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Probably the shittiest dad joke I've ever heard

Mom: honey, the can opener is broken, can you help me?

Dad: guess you can call it a can't opener.

Cuddling with somebody is probably the most comforting thing in the world...

...unless you're in prison.

I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected.

Not by choice either.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

If I could have dinner with one person, alive or dead, I think I would probably choose...

alive.

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They say sex sells...

Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

Despite all the hate it gets, working at Buzzfeed is probably a very nice job.

After all, you're being paid to go on Reddit all day,=.

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Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?""
The girl, crying, replied, '...

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Given the chance, I would probably have sex with a clock.

But only if time permits...

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If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.

(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)

My least favorite number? Probably 288...

It's two gross.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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“I probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un”

Dementia is a bitch.

If Fred Durst opened a BBQ restaurant, he'd probably call it...

LIMP BRISKET

If George Washington was alive today, he’d probably say

“Why am I in a coffin?”

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You probably already know this one

One man was in an airplane and when they started "flying" the pilot turned on the Mic to say the usual:"we are (some number) feet above the ground". But then he forgot to turn the Mic off and he says to the co-pilot while everyone is listening:"God! Right now, all I want is a coffee and a good blowj...

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

What's gray, and if it gets in your eye, you'll probably die?

The Empire State Building

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You are the father, Probably the best joke ever

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the on...

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

You should probably not trust me if...

I'm in my bed, because I'm probably going to lie there

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

This is probably the worst joke that I -a dad - ever told. But it still made my daughter laugh.

My wife, teenage daughter and I are sitting in a restaurant discussing Italian cuisine.

Wife: There's nothing better than fresh gnocchi.

Me: There's nothing better than getting fresh and gnocching someone up.

A man walks into the store to buy condoms

Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?

Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.

Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!

A ghost could probably be both your mom and dad

It's so transparent!

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