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Pretty Jokes

I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her...

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

A mobius strip walks into a bar looking pretty sad

Bartender asks what's wrong

Mobius strip: Where do I start?

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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Guy starts chatting to pretty woman at a party

Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men,...

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

The pub was pretty wild last night,

Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

Simba runs pretty slow

He needs to Mufasa

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

A pretty girl kissed me today

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

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American conservatives are pretty homophobic

for people so proud of their four fathers

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad.

And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.

My brother took going to jail pretty badly

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him...

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

This pretty much sums up the eighties

80 + 81 + 82 + 83 + 84 + 85 + 86 + 87 + 88 + 89 = 845

I like to think I’m a pretty good man. I give over 50% of my paycheck to Charity.

But when she’s not working I give it to Destiny.

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing:

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

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My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh,...

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

What do you call a pretty pig?

Hamsome!

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My neighbor is pretty mad at his wife for sunbathing completely nude

Personally, I'm on the fence

Living in China is pretty good!

I cant really complain.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

I have pretty bad eye floaters, but the doctor said they're innocuous.

Personally, I just don't think he sees the problem.

That pretty much sums up the 70s

70+71+72+73+74+75+76+77+78+79 = 745

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the paper bag. (old but pretty funny!).

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
 
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
 
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B....

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

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I’m pretty sure my neighbour doesn’t watch porn…

I’ve been over here 2 hours and am still doing dishes.

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.

She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
...

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

I'm pretty sad that my massively overweight pet parrot died today.

On the other hand, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I used to think orthotics were pretty dumb until I started using them

I stand corrected

Lady: I thought you don't give tickets to pretty girls.

Cop: We don't. Sign here.

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

It’s pretty easy to stop women from eating tide pods

But it’s a bit harder to deter gents

I was pretty surprised to learn Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language...

...entirely out of tattoos.

11-year old Johnny had a teacher who was very pretty and nice...

And he had a developed a big crush on her. One day the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in you schoolwork lately?"

"Because I'm in love." Johnny said, dreamily.

"Who are you in love with?" Teacher asked while she tried hard to hold back a smile.

"It's you." Jo...

I'm pretty lucky, so recently I came into a lot money

Which is weird cuz normally i use a sock

The word diputseromneve is pretty stupid

But backwards it's even more stupid.

I told my wife she was pretty and she just yawned.

I guess she was pretty tired.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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A guys sees a pretty girl sitting alone in a library...

He leans over and asks her "Do you mind if I sit with you?".

The girl answers loudly "Hell no I don't want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!"

Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly say...

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There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting...

30% of women think their ass is too fat,

10% of women think their ass is too skinny,

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

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I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

I’m doing pretty well financially these days.

My bank just said my debt is outstanding!

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My sex life and gaming life are pretty similar.

I play a lot of single player.

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I'm pretty sure my neighbor doesn't watch porn.

I've been at her house for two hours, and I'm still fixing the sink.

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.

Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."

"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down o...

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse,” said the farmer….

“You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

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A priest and a pretty nun ride the bus home….

The priest approaches the nun and says “excuse me sister of the cloth, I don’t suppose you would give me a blowjob?”

Shocked, the nun replies “father, I cannot, I am devoted to god and my body belongs to him and him alone”

She hurries off the bus in disgust.

The bus arrives at t...

I have a joke, pretty basic but here you go....

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

Doctor to patient: Don't worry, It's pretty common to get an erection during a rectal examination

Patient: I don't have an erection..
Doctor: But I do.

I'm pretty sure I'm a communist...

Because I want to share my cake day with you guys

When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

Today a pretty girl told me I was quite a looker!

Well, voyeur was the exact word she used.

My son came up with this joke, I'm pretty proud of him

What do you call a murderer who rides a pedal bike?

A cycle path!

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

I'm pretty sober.

But I'm prettier drunk.

A guy meets a pretty hot women in her 50s

She starts chatting him up and then she says you want to have sportsmen double

He asks what is a sportsmen double

She tells him oh its a mother a daughter 3some

He thinks oh well she is hot bet her daughter is super hot

So they go home to her house and she goes Mom you ...

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I have a pretty unique ability. I'm able to put a rope up my ass and tie it together before pooping it back out.

I shit you knot

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

I heard a joke about oxygen and potassium. I’d say it was pretty OK.

Yea, I also heard that sodium was under assault.

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.

Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

I met my girlfriend in 2020. She has pretty eyes.

I haven’t seen her mouth and nose yet, but her eyes are pretty.

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

Pretty dark you’ve been warned

Why does Obama give his speeches behind bullet proof glass? I know he’s black and all but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.

Russian Roulette is pretty easy

Just ask anyone who’s played, they all say they won

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

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Whales have pretty sexual names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...

Your mom

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I Won a pretty big lottery the other day....

I told my wife pack to pack her bags, I just won the lottery! She was so excited asking what to pack....I said I don't care, get the fuck out!

I'm pretty excited. My loan got approved.

I'll be closing on a full tank of gas this week.

my dog can play the piano, pretty limited repertoire though

focuses only on bach

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Life fucks you pretty hard

But atleast it won't ask for child support payments

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

this is pretty funny

Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "Okay where are you from, jackass?"

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

Coming up with a good Reddit post is usually pretty hard.

But today it’s a piece of cake!

Pretty sure my girlfriend has covid

A symptom is a lack of taste

It takes a pretty twisted person to mock an amputee.

Honestly, just try putting yourself in their shoe.

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

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I'm pretty careless about maintaining my sex toys

Although when it comes to cleaning butt plugs, I'm anal-retentive.

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I'm pretty sure Jesus was Italian

Because only an Italian mother could think her son was a god.
And only an Italian son could think his mother was a virgin.

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," s...

I’m pretty sure my local corner shop is a money laundering front.

I’ve been in there about 1000 times and not once have I seen a corner for sale.

I make a pretty good corn salad...

In fact it's amaizeing.

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

I got called pretty today...

well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

That "Born to Be Wild" song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

here's a pretty good joke

so, once there was a boy and he was born with no body, no arms, and no legs. One night, on his 18th birthday, his dad took him down to a bar and got him a drink. The boy took a sip and out popped his body. His dad was flabbergasted and urged him to take another sip. The boy took another sip and, sur...

I think you're pretty

Pretty pathetic

I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty"

Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights

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A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker

One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "...

Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?

I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder

Am I PRETTY or UGLY

Girl: (asking her boyfriend) Am I pretty or ugly.

Boy: you are both

Girl: What do you mean?

Boy: You are pretty ugly

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I’m pretty sure Achilles was gay

He couldn’t leave Patroclus’ behind

I just realized my apartment has a pretty good ceiling.

I mean...it’s not the best, but it’s up there.

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My son made me a shirt which spelled "Wrld's best dad!" which is a pretty cute mistake.

But he needs to get his shit together and understand that I have a sweatshop to run.

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

I got pretty sick after eating some raw salmon

It’s a bad case of chickenella.

Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.

IT: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster, and save the file.

Jellyfish and politicians are pretty similar.

They don't have hearts or brains only stomachs.

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

I’m a pretty Indecisive person

Wait, maybe. I think I am, actually maybe not I don’t know.

I think my ceiling looks pretty nice. It's certainly not the best, but

it's up there

Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick.

He sits down next to her and says "So, do I come here often?"

I pretty sure I just came up with this an original joke ...

A man venting to a couple who he is friends with at their local hangout about his wife, "She called me a misogynistic pig."
The couple who is listening, both look at each other before the female asks, "and how do you feel about what she said?"
He thinks about for a moment and says, "Ehh, she ...

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A pretty and sexy woman was eating ice cream

A man comes near her and says:
-Madam, may I ask you a favor, but I am pretty sure you'll misunderstand me. Woman responds:
-Oh sir, no problem just say it.

"Can I lick it for once?" the man says.
"Oh, of course, here you are" answers the woman and passes the ice cream to man.
...

A dude is in a pretty bad car crash...

He wakes up after a week-long coma. He screams for the doctor...

"Doctor..." says the man, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know." Replied the doctor, "That's because we cut both of your hands off, stumpy."

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