UPJOKE
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Just Jokes

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit.

I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese.

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy

I've just purchased a house in Liverpool.

It's a 2 up, 5 down.

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.

Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.

Chuck Norris killed 100 men with just one bullet

There was no gun

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy...

Thank God it came back negative!

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I just listened to a Michael Jackson album

It was Bad to be honest

my mum just started a dating site for chickens

She'd do anything to make hens meet

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

I just found out that my Grief Counselor died

Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss

President Joe Biden just had a meeting with the Cabinet.

Now he’s talking with the couch

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

I can cut through a piece of wood just by looking at it...

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes!

I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

I've just started dating an anaesthesiologist

She's a real knockout

My wife just confessed that she broke my favourite lamp.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again,

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

Husband: Do you really enjoy making love, or do you just simulate ?

Wife: I do enjoy it, really. Why ?

Husband: Next time you enjoy it I want you to let me know, Ok ?

Wife: I can't. You asked me to never call you when you're in the office.

My music snob friend told me that The Doors had a lacklustre rhythm section. I asked him why he would say that, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I told him I’m sick of hearing these bassless accusations.

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My wife just walked in on me bleaching my asshole and screamed “what the hell are you doing?!!”

I mean, she’s the one that told me I needed to change my ringtone.

Motivation is just like my wife.

It comes for everyone but me

I just found out vegan ribs are delicious.

It must be their vegetarian diet.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

I’ve just found out there’s an actual clinical name for the condition where you can’t sleep and just eat instead

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

Told my friend that the wife and I have just come back from a trip in the West Indies.

He said "Jamaica"? I said "Nah, she went of her own accord"

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

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I just found out my best friend is gay…

his dick tastes like shit.

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

Just saw two birds stuck together in a tree

I think they're velcrows.

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The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published

The study noted that loss of habitat in the north pole has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviors towards other bears of both sex...

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.

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Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

I've just checked my home insurance policy

and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.

My English teacher girlfriend just broke up with me.

She wasn’t happy with my improper use of the colon.

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

My obese parrot just died.

I’m very sad but it is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I just got a Harley for my wife.

I’d say I got the better end of that trade.

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and ...

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...

My dating life is just like these UFOs

Always getting shot down!

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I just saw a guy masturbating into an ATM.

Looks like he came into some money.

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

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Congratulations to me! Just made my last mortgage payment. I'm having a huge party. Come on over.

BTW, I still owe them like $80 thousand, but fuck 'em.

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

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What did the boy who just lost his virginity tell him mom

Look ma no hands

I just bought my local MP a get better soon card.

He's not sick. I just think he can do better.

I have just found out that my boss has been telling people that I hallucinate

He didn't have the guts to say anything to me, directly.

A little bird told me

Just found out that the boss of IKEA is the new Prime Minister of Sweden

He's still assembling his new cabinet

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A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo.

He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed.

He spent a long time sanding and coating it, because, well… splinters.

After several days of tedious work on this...

Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory

You gotta have a can dew attitude.

Just heard my son speak his first words

where were you the last 14 years

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

My grandfather just died recently.

He needed a blood transfusion quickly but he was so incoherent near the end that he couldn't tell us what his type was. He never lost his optimism though, he kept telling us all "be positive!" He truly was an inspiration.

I've just started a new business selling trampolines in Prague

Getting a lot of orders, but the Czechs keep bouncing.

I just had a shocking realization

I’m a terrible electrician.

My go-to pickup move when I'd just walk next to a girl in the bar and whisper in her ear "If I get excited,I can touch the bottom of the Pringles can" and see how their eyes light up excitement

I love these new snack size ones.

Tom Brady just announced that he was retiring from football for good.

That's a relief because if he was retiring for evil, then evil would probably win.

Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

It is cloudy and snowing outside, and I just realized I ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge.

Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

I've just found out what happens when you pull on the red cord in the disabled toilet.

It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick."

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They were a newlywed couple, just arriving from their honeymoon...

And the husband explained:

"These are the rules for our marriage. Mondays and Wednesdays are sports nights, we gather at a friend's house to watch TV. Tuesdays and Fridays are poker nights, where my friends since college usually play and relax a little.

Every Thursday, I go to my paren...

I was just about to go on a blind date with a female roofer

But her fascia turned me off

I just found out I'm colour blind...

Totally came out of the purple.

Just been to the doctors and she diagnosed me as paranoid…

We’ll, she didn’t say that but I know that’s what she was thinking.

My friend just rented a limo for $2,500, but it didn't come with a driver.

Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

My wife just asked me what I ordered from the Indian curry shop.

It was naan of her business.

I just won $10 in the lottery

The lottery boy came and wanted to sell me a $10 lottery ticket.

I said no.

What do you call someone who thinks they're right just because they make decisions?

An Ergomaniac.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

My wife just shoved a key lime pie in my face and stormed out of the house!

I've been desserted!

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Just made this up!

My wife works as a rep for a breakfast food company. Last week she went away to a work weekend convention. I could tell something was different when she came home so I checked her phone when she showered.

I found photos of her having sex with the mascots for Coco Pops, Lucky Charms and Frost...

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.

Ugh, don’t you just hate matryoshkas?

They’re so full of themselves.

Bill Cosby just moved in next door

He’s been on top of the house replacing broken shingles, and fixing leaks. Turns out he’s a very experienced roofer

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

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Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

I just broke up with my moonshiner girfriend

But I love her still

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.

They put me in the ICU.

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

I just lost a boxing match in Transylvania

I was working for Dracula part time and had to run an errand half way through. Referee said I was apparently out for the Count.

Don't you just hate it when people come knocking on your door, telling you that you need to be saved or else you're gonna burn?

Stupid firefighters.

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

Made love to the wife last night, just like they do in the movies.

I was fast, she was furious.

I discovered one day that my dad drives just like his uncle taught him.

He is driving and we get to a red light and he goes right through it.

I said "didn't you see that red light?"

He said "yes I seen the red light, don't worry about them red lights. My uncle never stopped for red lights in his whole life. My uncle is the best driver in the world."
...

Just found out that I can't use a calculator for my exam

I was really counting on that

I just bought a new pair of shoes.

I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day!

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor replied “Don’t worry, Those are just contractions.”

I ordered a balloon on aliexpress

Tracking showed it was on the way and then it just disappeared. Has anyone seen it?

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

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Cost of mis-communication

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for ...

My son was just born.

Another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... he said maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

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My therapist just told me I’m bipolar and indecisive.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

Where do horse go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.

>! Just kidding, they get shot. !<

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

I struggle with Roman numerals...

Until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

Someone just robbed the local wig store...

Police are combing the area.

I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

I just finished a book in braille that said communism was the best political system

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.

I just slept with a celebrity!

I'm infamous now

I just bought a gym with my son

It’s ok



He did the heavy lifting

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

There is a French kid at school that just cannot sit still....

he's Oliver DuPlace

A chef I know just boiled up a chicken carcass with seasoning, vegetables and nitrous oxide.

I told him he's made himself a laughing stock.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

[OC] I went shopping with my wife yesterday....

She looked at lipsticks for over 30 minutes but she didn't buy any

She tried 20 kinds of perfumes but none of them were good enough

She tested 10 different kinds of mascaras but she didn't like any of them

She read the labels of all the blushes just to finally walk out empty han...

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I'm really excited about the new autopsy club I just joined.

Tuesday is Open Mike night.

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

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Why is viagra just like Disneyland?

It's a 1 hour wait for a 5 minute ride.

I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum

She hasn't spoken to me since

The blind salesman a woman in the shower

A woman was taking a shower when she heard a knock on the door. She called out, “who is it? I can’t come to the door right now, I just stepped out of the shower” The man at the door answered “Don’t worry lady, I’m a blind salesman”…so the woman says “ok you can come in”. He gets inside and asks: “wh...

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

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What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

I just see my friend sprinting down the road…

I stopped him and asked “Jim, what’s the matter?!?”.

He told me he was on a date with a beautiful women he met at work and she told him she wants to have his children.

I said “so why are you running?”

“I’m going home to get them for her”.

I heard The Joker just accidentally killed someone...

He was convicted of involuntary man's laughter.

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

Whilst in the pub my friend asked me to name just 3 Qatar players?

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

Whenever I get sad I just put vodka in an elevator.

It really lifts my spirits.

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but how did they get in there?

A man walks into a fish & chip shop to order the evening meal.

He asks for two cod & chips.

Owner: Apologies, we don’t have any cod.

Man: Ok… I’ll have two cod & chips then.

Owner (slightly irritated): Sorry, we haven’t got any cod, like I said.

Man: Sorry, sorry!… I’ll just have two cod & chips then.

Owner (now ir...

The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."

Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."

The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.

So O'Brien explain...

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

A boy asks god,

“Is it true that a billion years is a second to you?”

God says yes

“Is it true a billion dollars is worth a penny to you?”

God says yes

“Can I have a penny right now?”

God replies, “Sure, just one second.”

A Farmer and His Daughters' First Dates

An aging, old school farmer has triplet daughters who are all set to go on their first ever dates on the same evening. The boys are coming to pick them up, so he decides to answer the door with his shotgun visible to send a message.

The first boy knocks on the door. The farmer opens it with ...

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