UPJOKE
fairexactlyrighteousbarelyonlyequitablesimplyuprightmerelypreciselybutgoodrightreallyactually

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women have just entered heaven

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there. He says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with on...

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…

misheard?

The CEO of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

BR EAK ING NE WS...Just been arguing with my wife and she just told me, "I was right."

Please HELP me....What do I do next?

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walk...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a Halloween party in just his jeans

No shoes or shirt nothing but jeans. He’s making his rounds and enjoying some drinks and the comes up to him and asks, “So what are you supposed to be?” The guys responds, “I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host pauses for a second really staring at this guy’s costume and finally says, “I don’t get ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.

Pretty nuts, right?

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener

Makes scents when you think about it.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

The queen has just come out on to the balcony for her jubilee

I turn to the wife and kids and say “who’s that woman up there with Dave”

Nothing… I’m bloody wasted on em I am. Weeks I’ve been waiting for that. Weeks!

My wife just shouted at me “YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ARE YOU!!???”

What a strange way to start a conversation.

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled her aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

She winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

I just got arrested for being too ugly. Can you bail me out?

Not you! Now we're both stuck in jail!

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

I've just joined a procrastinators support group.

Ìt is called Wait Watchers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw my next door neighbor with big boobs, laying topless by the pool

Just wish his wife would do the same

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "| can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his Confederate flag.

I just unsubscribed from Disney+

I feel marveless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend just told me that she was fingered both anally and vaginally by the gynaecologist

saying "awesome" was not the right reaction

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

Remember When ADHD Was Just ADD?

Me neither.

I just found out that my girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.

I just got pulled over by a dyslexic state trooper.

He gave me an IUD.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just finished listening to a country album backwards.

I got my dog, my truck, and my wife back.

there were no students or teachers in the room . just me

I was in a class of my own.

I just found out that my girlfriend is a mime.

I can’t believe that after all these years, she never told me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

I don't get why negative numbers are needed in math. It just doesn't add up.

It adds down.

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

I got a black eye from my wife just for explaining how much I love her…

I guess she just MissHeard me.

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket ...

Just ended a 5 year relashionship

Don't worry guys it was not my relationship

So my Doctor just said I have Alzheimer's

Yeah that's cool and all but I don't remember asking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family checks in to a hotel

The father walks up to the concierge and says “im checking in with my family, i hope the porn is disabled”
The concierge responds “its just regular porn you sick fuck”

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just had to pay to refill the air in my tyres. It used to be free!!

Fucking inflation

I just read harry potter for the first time and i think its a little unrealistic

I mean a ginger with 2 friends??

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as she likes to call it, a "restraining order"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex was addicted to dick. just not mine

I guess micro-dosing just wasn't doing it for her after a while

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is *un ouef*

Amber Heard just fired her interior decorator...

They disagreed about the color and placement of the stool in the bedroom.

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world...

But it's definitely up there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk

I call it an ejaculatte.

I just flew back from a ravioli convention

Boyardees arms tired

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of…cross referencing.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

Two flat tyres...

I forgot to zip up my trouser.

So a lady told me politely, "Sir, your garage is open".

I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, "Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?".

She smiled back and said, "No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We just found out grandpa is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandma.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

I was just on the phone with a company that said I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band...

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I just don’t understand women

I’m trying my best to acknowledge and befriend them but it’s always the same!

”Who are you”, ”What are you doing in my house”, ”I’m calling the Police”

Just seen Van Gogh in the pub. Asked him if he would like a beer.

He said no thanks, I've got one 'ere.

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a redditor who just had sex?

A Predditor

*Please have a seat over there*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Don’t you just hate when your halfway through your rectal exam and remember...

**You're at the dentist.**

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

My ex just sneezed,,,

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you".

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Your sister is just like a penny.

When i see her im hoping for head!

We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?

You can't spell homeowner without meow.

I just read that in New York someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds...

Poor guy

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just landed a job where I walk into a room and sew two peoples' anuses together, no questions asked.

It's not a dream job, but it makes ends meet.

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

What is the worst thing a woman can say to a man in just three two-letter words?

Is it in?

My dad was walking down the hall just in his underwear.

My mom said "Bill! Your fruit is coming out of the loom!"

I just gave my gf the best 1hr 30 secs of her life

Shoutout to daylight saving time

So my wife thinks it's kinky to answer the door wearing just my t shirt

But when i did the same wearing her dress, i now need to have a 'talk' with a psychologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got a message from a random guy asking me to meet him in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fuckin' weirdo...

He didn't even show up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People think working at a zoo is fun, but just like most jobs

You have a lot of shit to deal with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just started working in a record store.

A Shifty Looking Guy walks in and says.

"got anything by The Doors?"

I said "yes 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off"!

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

The only person to accept you just as you are.

Your arresting officer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

So I just started anger management

Apparently it's all the rage right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having sex is just like driving a car.

Everyone thinks they are good at it.

I hope to be a millionaire, just like my dad.

He hopes to be one too. What did you think?

It’s just cost me 1 whole pound to put air in my tires

5 years ago it used to cost me 20p. Suppose that’s inflation for you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

My best friend and I just started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s ..a small scale operation.

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a condom fly across the room

Seemed to be pissed off.

Did you hear they just passed a law that you aren’t aloud to laugh out loud in Hawaii?

They only allow A low ha

My wife just got a facelift

She can’t stop smiling about it

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it’s not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

A Farmer and the Interviewer

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 liters per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 liters per day.



Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
...

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

I’m just curious

How Johnny Depp reacts when he gets an Amber alert on his phone…🫣

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

My wife just lays in bed all day

She’s atrophy wife

So just some dating advice for y’all, never EVER date a demon!

They’re way too possessive!!

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

I just shot a Frenchman who trespassed my house

No more Mr Nice Guy

I can always tell a person if they are lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing or sitting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Just the setup. Do your own punchline

I don't do standup but thought of a hell of a setup with nowhere else to put it and no way to finish it. So here it is.



You ever order Chinese food for yourself and get insulted by the number of fortune cookies they give you?

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

So my brother just broke up with his game console….

She’s now his X-Box!

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.