My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

Why was 6 afraid of 41?

41 said "Age is just a number".

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature

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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

I just got robbed by 6 dwarfs..

Not Happy

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

Sometimes i like to tuck my knees under my arms and lean backwards

Cuz thats just how i roll

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My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

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Just Realized , Vaseline is the best lubricant for having sex ,

Just apply some on the door knob. Makes it very difficult for her to escape.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

I just heard a joke about waterfalls

It was a pour joke

My boyfriend just told me he has an STD...

Looks like I'm *gonorrhea*valuate this relationship.

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

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My girlfriend just left me because I am always giving weird nicknames to my penis.

I guess I have to take Matters in my own hands.

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

Guys i just recently bought a 512Gb iPhone 11 Pro Max, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 9 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

Just married!!

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your pants,"...

"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime"

"Was it something I said?"

"Yes"

I just put my root beer in a square cup.

Now it is just a beer

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.

She: How?

Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

WTH???!!!! I was in Walmart using the damn restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”

Embarrassed... I said, “I’m aight!!"

The voice said, "So what are you up to?”

I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”

Then I hear, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed... I said “Excuse me?!?!."

Then the voice said, “Listen, I will hav...

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

I just realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

Girl, we’re just like Romeo and Juliet

Cuz my family hates you and I want to kill myself.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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One day, little Johnny passes by his older brother’s room, where he overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone...

The only phrase Johnny caught was “Purple flowers.” The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions. Johnny raises his hand and asks, “What are purple flowers?” The teacher goes, “Johnny, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom. Go sit...

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless.

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

Just a thought

If your son became a priest, would you call him son or father?

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

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There once was a man who had just recently lost his arm.

He hated having lost an arm and was struggling with depression from it,

one day he was out walking when he saw a man who had lost both arms,

the man was dancing, swinging his body around, so he asks the man,

"I recently lost my arm and I'm so sad because of it, how come that you...

Just got the job at the old McDonald farm...

I'm now the CIEIO

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed.

Turns out my property line is nowhere near where I thought it was.

If you're cold, just go stand in the corner.

It's 90 degrees there.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time...

I was shocked

Blizzard just released a new dating sim

Core gameplay is getting in bed with the Chinese :>

I just invented a new word

I call it "Plagarism"

I just flipped a coin.

On one side, it landed.
On the other.. it did not.

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter,

How dairy.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.

Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

I just found out I've been dating a communist....

I should have seen the red flags sooner

I just recieved the worst gift of all time...

.. A Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps on telling me to “turn around”

And every now and then it falls apart.

Still, not as bad as the U2 one, where the streets have no names, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

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I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman!

It's very rewarding but quite challenging...

It took me a while to get her husbands voice right!

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking?" the trooper asks. "Just water!", the priest replies. "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Praise the Lord, He's done it again!"

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway...

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place just been to pick it up and as i was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forwa...

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Some asshole on the bus just sneezed in my face

I'm now feeling kinda ill

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They're normally around 90 degrees.

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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I just got out of an abusive relationship of 8 years

Soon as the bitch turned 18, she decided to leave.



Dunno why being a father has to be such a thankless job.

me: you just did

you: i'm not going to do that

me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

I just gave away all my dead batteries

Free of charge

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

he's just going through a rough patch!

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i just helped my uncle jack off a horse.

I just helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

Capitalisation matters.

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

I just bought a 2 million dollar house and a 500,000 dollar sports car with my beautiful new wife and fantastic job.

Yes, my life has certainly gotten better since I took up lying.

My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing.

I told her it was just staggering.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

I can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

My wife just said "are you even listening to me?"

What an odd way to start a conversation.

Mountain ranges aren't just funny

They're hill areas

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

Bob Ross said "We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents."

So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident.

Crooks just seem to be phoning it in these days

That’s at least how our president likes to do it.

I just made this up and I'm drunk, so by all means, make it better.

A new moon walks into a bar. Says "Bartender, whatever. It's all futile."
Bartender says, "Why the dark mood?"
Moon says, "It's probably just a phase."

I just found out about electricity...

It gave me a real shock!

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

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I want to lose my virginity just like my mom did

On prom night, to my dad.

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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange ...

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I like sex just like school trips.

With consent.

I just saw this great movie about a complete sentence...

It was a period piece.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet...

...in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

You can't just take anyone's cremated remains.

You have to urn them.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

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It just struck me that in British slang the US President's surname means "Fart" and in US slang the British prime minister's surname means "Penis"



I can't wait to tell the wife. She'll laugh her Merkel off.

Just look very closely into the darkness of your screen

Do you see the joke? (Dark mode users only)

I just saw a play about a man with a broken leg...

the cast was terrible.

They used to say that even bad advertising is good, Blizzard just discovered that is no longer true...

When everyone has phones

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

Why is it that kids love bubble wrap, while adults just find it annoying?

Nobody really knows, it's just one of the hallmarks of pop culture.

I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.

She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I just discovered I have a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions

The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.

Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?

wife: No who?

Cashier: Reese...um...

Wife: Witherspoon?

Cashier: No, with her knife!

I was just proposed to with a Magnesium Oxide crystal.

... OMgOMgOMgOMgOMgOMg...

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Mickey has sued Minnie for divorce. Judge: "Mickey, I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie is acting silly."

Mickey: "Your honor, I did not say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

My wife just yelled at me because she says I never buy her flowers

I'm really confused because I didn't even know she **sold** flowers

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I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard.

I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

I just had an idea for an app that can connect people with tourettes and similar conditions, so they can have conversations together about their experiences, it's called:

Tic Talk

(I feel comfortable making this joke. I have a tic disorder)

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

My girlfriend just walked in on me blow drying my crotch.

She asked what I was doing.
Apparently, saying “Warming up your dinner!”
Wasn’t the right answer.

Some people just aren’t nutritious

Zombie: “Brains...brains...”

Flat Earther: “Hi!”

Zombie: (Hesitates. Moves on.)

“Brains...”

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I’ve been searching tirelessly for just ONE reason to prove that Bono isn’t a complete cunt.

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Orion’s Belt is just a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

Just got back from the tanning bed

Guess that’s not what my wife meant by get some Sunny D.

What do you call a cat that is just a cat?

A Meerkat

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

The creator of homeopathy has just died.

Massive underdose, apparently.

I just got a pair of the worlds smallest handcuffs!

Wedding rings sure are expensive.

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