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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

I just got robbed by 6 dwarfs..

Not Happy

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

Why was 6 afraid of 41?

41 said "Age is just a number".

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

I just heard a joke about waterfalls

It was a pour joke

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

Sometimes i like to tuck my knees under my arms and lean backwards

Cuz thats just how i roll

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet...

...in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

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One day, little Johnny passes by his older brother’s room, where he overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone...

The only phrase Johnny caught was “Purple flowers.” The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions. Johnny raises his hand and asks, “What are purple flowers?” The teacher goes, “Johnny, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom. Go sit...

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.

"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

So, I was in my room and saw a group of ten ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so i made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes mw their landlord and they are my..........

Tenants

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

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I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feel...

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

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My wife just asked me if she looked fat..

This literally just happened...

My wife asked me if she looked fat after eating the biggest meal of our lives.

I said "no honey, you look great".

She said "Well you have to say that. If you didn't, I would have to kill you"

Apparently "I'd like to see your fat ass try" wa...

True house cleaners aren't just born

They're maid.

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me.

How dairy

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

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I just heard that two of my friends got hurt while trying anal sex for the first time.

I guess it really rectum.

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

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I just had a near sex experience.

I saw my wife flash before my eyes.

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."

I just watched a documentary on drugs

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

My wife just left me because I'm too insecure...

Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.

I just caught my pecker in my zipper and man it hurts.

No more zip up boots for me.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

I just found out i’m colourblind

The diagnosis came out of the purple

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

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Just a little fire truck

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her...

My dad just bought a new washing machine

What should we call her?

My friend just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.

He's slowly coming round.

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing.

I told her it was just staggering.

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

Just threw a rock 5280 feet.

That’s a real milestone.

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My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

I just watched a movie about graphs, and I was really disappointed.

The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible.

I just bought my wife a get better soon card...

She’s not sick, I just think she can do better.

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

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Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

An insane Harvard research study just proved that when ants are tripping on LSD, they can't get heartburn.

Apparently it works as an antacid.

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

Whenever it rains, my wife just sits at the window looking all sad

Maybe I should let her inside

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Me: Hey I just won the lottery pack your bags. My wife: OMG we’re going on vacation????

Me: No I’m divorcing you.

My girlfriend just told me that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I have some breaking news for her.

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

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My penis is just like Windows

microsoft

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Just a Cop and a Boy

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Whst do you call a steak that you just dropped on the floor?

Ground beef

I just tried out a more durable type of paper.

It wasn't tearable.

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

A man says he can detect HIV just by listening To it

He calls the Programm "Hearing Aids"

5 years ago, having just got my license, I went on a roadtrip,

I was tired of driving so I pulled into this place in Alaska, next to a river, you could pay 10$ to rent a gold pan, and you got to keep any gold you managed to pick up. I stayed there for hours on end without getting anything. I walked back to the front desk with my head down and returned the gold ...

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

I just started dating a half Asian girl

Her Mom's Korean, her Dad's Korean, and she lost her legs in a horrible car accident.

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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly.

I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was......

I was home schooled :(

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.

Me: No, you're not.

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I just found out my girlfriend is a Grammar Nazi.

She's going crazy because she missed her period.

To all the people out there suffering from paranoia, keep strong and just remember

you're not alone.

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So I just got home after a date and the girl wanted to join me for some coffee.

I said no.

Who the fuck drinks coffee at 10PM?

I’ve just been fired from my job as a zoo keeper at my local zoo....

....all the signs said “Do Not Feed The Animals”

Just purchased a hazmat suite.

Now I’m ready for that next toxic relationship.

My wife challenged me to strip poker, but I soon realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

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Just heard my neighbour telling her friend that I'm a "f*cking creepy weirdo" on the phone.

It's really pissed me off..

I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her over it but her boyfriend got home from work early.

My girlfriend just left me because I'm too insecure.

No, wait, she's back - she was just making lunch.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

I just invented the reusable condom .

Friend: Come again?

Me: Exactly

I just read about the dangers of alcohol, and it really scared me.

I'm never reading again!

I often wish I could just kill my boss

I'm self-employed

Just ordered Hong Kong style sweet and sour chicken from my local takeaway

4 police officers delivered it and fired tear gas through my front door.

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in t...

I just found out that Aaarghhh is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am.

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

Was just about to tell my friends and family the Epstein news....

But then I thought naw, lets let this hang a little while longer.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

My girlfriend just told me she has a schoolgirl fantasy.

But honestly, I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.

The British just aren't good at menstruation jokes.

Full stop.

My wife just rolled her eyes at me

I knew she would see things my way!

I want my coffee just like my wife

Cold and bitter

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

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A chicken and an Egg are laying in bed after just having sex......

The Chicken turns to the Egg and says "Well.... that answered that old question!"

What did the ocean say to the land? Nothing, it just waved.

Did you SEA what i did there?

Dolly Parton just announced she's buying Big Lots, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter.

She's combining them to open a superstore called Big Wiggly Teeters.

It just occurred to me why the Grim Reaper is so popular in myths and cultures throughout the world

People are always dying to meet him

What do you call a dinosaur that just got done with a light workout?

A Kindasaur

My FBI agent just left me.

Apparently I'm too clingy.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a t...

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs

You're locked in a room with no doors and no windows, just a table and a mirror. How do you escape?

You look in the mirror. See what you saw. Use the saw to cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole.

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My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.

But I better get this shit off my chest.

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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Just bought one of those Eco friendly cars, it runs on raccoon piss.

My wife borrowed it,

stupid Woman filled it with Weasel.

My friend just had a convo with "Microsoft support"

I was just about to hang up when they called me, but my friend had a brilliant way of handling them.

Totally legit Microsoft support: “Hi. This is John Alex from Microsoft Support. We have detected a virus on your computer. Don't mind the fact that I can't pronounce 'Microsoft' properly," in ...

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

If I had a parrot, I’d teach him two or three pirate jokes and he would just repeat them over and over again, week after week the same jokes. Every time people would be mesmerized.

I’d name my parrot arrrrr/Jokes

So I just destroyed an ant's next outside my apartment.

All of the ants scattered in fear, homeless. 10 of them managed to find their way into the apartment, I felt so sorry for them that I made a little house out of match boxes. They all live in there now, which technically makes me their landlord, and they are my... tenants

My 12 year old just told me this one: What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

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