UPJOKE
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Just Jokes

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

My paraplegic girlfriend just broke up with me.

She said all I do is push her around and talk about her behind her back.

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

They just discovered the cause of the implosion

OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".

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My wife just gave birth today

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Credits to r/dadjokes

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

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Your penis is just like your signature

You should be very careful where you put it

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

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'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.

I just flew in from a Transformers convention.

And boy my arms are tires.

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

I just found out I’m colour blind

News came out of the purple.

Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

Girls must buy $1000 purses just to impress other girls...

No guy has ever said " Bro, she was ugly...but that purse..."

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

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I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she's staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.

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I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

I just got circumcised

Got any tips?

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My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

My Dad just told me this:

Where do bad rainbows go?

(They go to Prism)

They get a light sentence though, it's only so they can have time to reflect. :D

I just learned what BBC stood for.

It was a lot to take in.

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…

misheard?

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

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Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.

He was watching pornography over my shoulder.

I just got robbed by 6 dwarfs..

Not Happy

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

So now, I'm, Just Fred



A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give t...

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

BR EAK ING NE WS...Just been arguing with my wife and she just told me, "I was right."

Please HELP me....What do I do next?

I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology.

So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

Just in time for Thanksgiving: Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.
"What did you do today?" I asked.
She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.
Looking int...

I just spent $600 on a limousine rental, and I just found out that doesn't include a driver.

Spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right,"...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

Just an innocent question

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Brad Pitt's is short, Madonna does not have one, and the Pope doesn't use it.

What is it?

>!A last name.!<

Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

Just another dad joke

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

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Just slept with a species from another genus.

No Homo.

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...


Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...


the Taliban

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested

I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

My wife just said to me, you're an eight on a scale of ten.

I'm confused why did she ask me to Urinate on a Skeleton?

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Just an Internet Explorer joke

loading...

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

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My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

I just realized my countertop is made of marble..

I have been taking it for granite all these years.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory

They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in

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I just found out my uncle is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than me

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I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

‘Horseback Riding’ should just be called ‘Horse Riding' because

where else would you sit?

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

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Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her h...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learnt next to nothing.

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

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Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I’m the CIEIO

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I just asked my husband

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

I just bought a dog from a blacksmith

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

I've just purchased a house in Liverpool.

It's a 2 up, 5 down.

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

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